Buffy the Vampire Slayer s03e08 Episode Script

This is a nightmare.
My world is spinning.
- It's not that bad, Willow.
Really.
|- 140, verbal? I'm pathetic.
Illiterate.
I'm Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel.
And the fact that your 140, verbal,|resembles my combined score in no way compromises|your position as the village idiot.
I just Where did I go wrong? You did amazing, Willow.
As usual.
- You guys get your scores?|- Cordelia! Willow was very sad about her|academic failure.
How did you do? - This is not good.
|- What's not good? It may hurt my standing as campus stud|when people find out I'm dating a brain.
Please.
I have some experience|in covering these things up.
I can see why you'd be upset.
That was my sarcastic voice.
- It sounds like your regular voice.
|- I've been told that.
- We should celebrate.
|- Like, the four of us? A double date.
It could have potential.
Buffy, hey! Did you get your SAT scores? By the look on your face, I guess we'll be|manning the drive-thru window side by side.
They're just test scores, right?|What do they really mean, anyway? OK, so academic achievement|gets me a little excited.
- Buff, that's amazing.
|- Let me see that.
With those scores you can apply anywhere.
Buffy, this could change your whole future.
- The thought had occurred to me.
|- Then why the sour puss? I don't know.
I guess my future I never thought about it.
|I wasn't even sure I'd have one.
I think this is great.
Now you can|leave and never come back.
I mean it in a positive way.
Get out|of Sunnydale.
It's a good thing.
What kind of moron would|want to come back here? Home sweet home.
# And more, much more than this # I did it my way Drusilla! I'm home! Why did you do it, baby?|Why did you leave me? We were happy here.
You stupid, worthless bitch! Look what you've done to me.
Come on.
It'll be fun.
I don't know.
I thought we were gonna|do something, you know classy? What's classier than bowling? Apart from everything ever? Let's see.
Oz and Willow are down.
|You're the swing vote.
I guarantee fun.
- Hey, those are from the pier.
|- Yeah.
I just got 'em developed.
There's pictures.
Of me.
In your locker.
I never knew I was locker-door material.
Well, just barely.
Besides, I look|really cute in those pictures.
Hey, so what's the verdict? Do we bowl? - We bowl.
|- Great.
Bowling date.
I'm on Oz's team.
Yeah? Well, prepare to be crushed.
Maybe we should practise.
They don't stand a chance.
I'm really good.
Or I used to be, when they had|the inflatable things in the gutters.
- What's this?|- It's a gift.
- What's the occasion?|- Pretty much you are.
- It's a little Pez witch!|- It's kind of a theme present.
- Do you like it?|- I like I more than like.
Oz, this is probably the sweetest We have to find a little Pez werewolf,|so little Pez witch can have a boyfriend.
I don't think they make a werewolf Pez.
We|might have to settle for a wacky cartoon dog.
This is just so thoughtful.
Well, I think about you.
Oh, I don't have anything to give you.
Yeah, you do.
Buffy, this is remarkable.
So is this.
Where is this|retreat thingy? The Yukon? It's quite nearby.
It's a clearing|at the top of Breakers Woods.
It's the site of some|fascinating druidic rituals.
But you're just going for a few days, right? You're not gonna settle there|and grow crops or anything? What? Oh, my gear? No, no, no,|this is basic necessities.
Giles.
You pack like me.
Here.
I suspect your mother will|want to put it on the refrigerator.
Yeah.
She saw these scores and|her head spun around and exploded.
I've been on the Hellmouth too long.
- That was metaphorical, yes?|- Yes.
She was happy.
She started with all this crazy talk|about me going to college.
Maybe someplace else.
I know.
I said you were gonna have a goat.
|Responsibilities.
I know the drill.
- She may be right.
|- Yeah, no, I figured you OK.
Be kind.
Rewind.
With scores like these, Buffy,|you could have a first-rate education.
I'm not suggesting that|you ignore your calling, but you need to look to your future.
And with Faith here,|it may be that you can move on.
For a time, at least.
Wow.
Well, let's discuss it when I get back.
In the meantime, I'd like you|to continue training.
And please don't do anything rash.
"Anything rash" meaning? Are you planning on seeing Angel? Yes, actually.
I am.
Look, but there's not|gonna be any rash.
Anywhere.
OK, we're friends.
|That's all either of us wants.
Nothing's gonna happen.
- Something's gonna happen.
|- Like what? It's a mistake.
It's a terrible, fatal mistake.
- I see that now.
|- It's just bowling.
It's bad bowling.
It's a double date.
|With all of us.
They're gonna know.
- How are they gonna know?|- It's a very intimate situation.
It's all sexy with the smoke|and sweating and shoe rental.
- You're turned on by rented shoes?|- That's not the issue.
Let me ask you this.
What are they|gonna know? That we're friends.
Old friends.
Maybe we've had|one or two indiscretions, but that's past.
Look, we're just very good friends who like|to hang out.
And can I kiss your ear lobe? No.
Well, OK.
No.
Pez.
Maybe bowling might be|too much to handle.
Man! I wish I wasn't so attracted to you.
|I wish we could make it all stop.
Any suggestions? Carnegie Mellon has|a wonderful design curriculum.
And Brown University's history programme|is You like history, right? Could we talk about this another time?|All day it's been "Congratulations! Go away.
" That's not it.
It's just You belong at a good old-fashioned college|with keg parties and boys.
Not here with hellmouths and vampires.
Not really seeing the distinction.
You always talk about how you wish you|could lead a normal life.
This is your chance.
Yeah, it's just not that simple.
|I have responsibilities.
I know, but I spoke with|Mr Giles and he said That Faith can be Miss Sunnydale|in the Slayer Pageant.
I know.
It's time to think about your future,|Buffy.
About your whole life.
I mean, is there anything keeping you here? Yeah, you.
You think I'm afraid of you? We were happy.
You brainwashed her.
I could just Yeah, I'll show you who's a cool guy.
You're goin' down.
This is just too much.
Did you come in through the back? Yeah.
I need a curse.
A what? A curse.
You know, something nasty.
Boils.
I want to give him boils.
All over his face.
You know, dripping|pustules.
Really go for the gusto here.
I'm hearing a lot of negative energy, and Leprosy.
I want a spell|that makes his parts fall off.
We don't carry leprosy.
Would you excuse me a moment? Blessed be.
Anything|in particular I can help you find? Yeah.
It's all here on the list:|essence of rose thorn, canary feathers A love spell.
Want that old lover|to come back to you? - Are you sure you know what you're doing?|- No.
I mean, yes.
I know how to do a love spell,|but this is more of an anti-love spell.
Yeah.
Kind of a de-lusting.
The supplies are basically the same, right? Basically.
Although raven feathers tend to|breed a little more discontent than canary.
Let me just get some things.
That'll be $15.
80 for the lot.
Thanks.
So, did you find a spell book? Forget the book.
I just got a better idea.
Oh, look at that.
Every time.
Cuts to the left.
And it's not the carpet.
It's me.
I swear, I would sell my soul|for a decent short game.
Of course, it's a little late for that.
I don't suppose I could offer your soul?|It would really help me on the green.
I'm just funnin'.
So, we have|a Spike problem, do we? He's been spotted back in town and there was|an incident at a magic shop in broad daylight.
- The police had a helluva time covering it up.
|- Well, yes.
He was up to all sorts|of shenanigans last year.
We had a world of fun|trying to guess what he'd do next.
I remember.
But I guess we're past that now.
This year is too important to let|a loose cannon rock the boat.
Should I have Mr Trick send a|committee to deal with this? "Loose cannon rock the boat.
"|Is that a mixed metaphor? Boats did have cannons.
|And a loose one would cause it to rock.
Honestly.
I don't know where|my mind goes these days.
Why don't you take care of that Spike|problem? A committee, like you said.
- As good as done.
|- That's swell.
Fore! - College, huh?|- Higher education.
Kind of an intense proposition.
Where do you wanna go? I have no idea.
My mom|is the one that got all these.
She's so excited, she|can't stop talking about it.
I had a really hard time coming up|with an alibi so I could come over here.
- She doesn't know about me?|- Big "no".
She's having enough trouble|with the slayer issue.
I don't think she's ready to|process the information that you and I are friends again.
Anyway, I think this college jones|is just a reaction to the slayer thing.
- She wants you to get out.
|- Someplace a little less hellmouthy.
She has a point.
You know?|But there are reasons to stay too.
What are they? Oh, and there's my slayer duties, obviously.
What do you think I should do? As a friend? I think that you should leave.
And this is a good opportunity for you.
Yeah.
It's not like there's|any great thing keeping me here.
Thanks for the advice.
It's|another perspective to consider.
Where are you goin'?|You just got here.
It's early.
Yeah, well, my mom starts worrying|a lot earlier these days.
I'll stop by soon.
Whoa! It smells like church in here.
No, wait.
Evil church.
It's just chemistry stuff.
An experiment.
So you said when you called.
|Why do I have to be here? It'll help you on the exam.
|You're way behind.
But that's why you love me, right?|Academically dangerous.
Here, hold this.
A feather? And who will I be tickling? OK.
Bring mixture to a boil.
I assume this won't make us late|for our evening of bowling magic? There's no magic! I mean bowling, yeah.
Cordelia and Oz are gonna meet us here later.
Can we turn these lights on? - Is that a spell book?|- No, no, no.
Chemistry book.
Wait a minute.
This is love-spell stuff.
|You're doin' a love spell? No, of course not! This is a purely scientific de-lusting spell.
For us.
I thought it would|go better if you didn't know.
Are you nuts? Have you forgotten that|I tend to have bad luck with these spells? But you said you wished|these feelings could go away.
I wished I was a fireman when we were kids,|but you didn't follow through on that.
I can't do this any more, Xander.
|This whole "us" thing is Do you need to resort to the black arts|to keep our hormones in check? At this point, I'm thinking no.
I'll get the lights.
Clean this place up before|they get here and start asking questions.
Xander! I need to borrow the little girl.
You don't mind, do you? Threatening me? That's not nice.
We're all gonna be very best friends.
Xander! A spell.
For me.
- You're gonna do a spell for me.
|- What kind of spell? A love spell.
Are you brain dead? I'm gonna get what's mine.
What's mine.
I'll teach her to walk out on me.
- What are you starin' at?|- Nothin'.
You can do it, right? You can make Dru love me|again.
Make her crawl.
- I can try.
|- What are you talking about, trying? - You'll do it.
|- Yes, I'll do it.
You lie to me and I'll shove this through|your face.
Right through to your brain! No, please, no.
She wouldn't even kill me.
She just left.
She didn't even care enough to|cut off my head, or set me on fire.
Is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared? It was that truce with Buffy that did it.
Dru said I'd gone soft.
Wasn't "demon" enough for the likes of her.
I told her it didn't mean anything.
I was|thinkin' of her the whole time.
She didn't care.
So, we got to Brazil and she was she was just different.
I gave her everything.
Beautiful jewels,|beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them.
But nothin' made her happy.
And she would flirt.
I caught her on a bench,|makin' outwith the chaos demon.
Have you ever seen a chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers.
|They're disgusting.
She only did it to hurt me.
So I said "I am not|putting up with this any more.
" And she said "Fine.
" And I said "I've got an un-life, you know?"|And she said she said we could still be friends.
God, I'm so unhappy.
- There, there.
|- I mean, friends.
How could she be so cruel? That smell.
Your neck.
I haven't had a woman in weeks.
No! No! Hold it.
- Well, unless you count that shopkeeper.
|- No.
No, hold on.
I'll do your spell for you|and I'll get you Drusilla back, but there will be no "bottle in face" and|there will be no "having" of any kind with me.
All right? All right.
Get started.
Now, I'm not a real witch, you know.
I don't know if this is gonna work right away.
Well, if at first you don't succeed, I'll kill him and you try again.
This isn't enough.
- What?|- Well, there are other ingredients.
And a book.
I need a spell book.
This isn't it.
You've got it, though.
At home? Not at home.
I left it somewhere.
Where? - Thank God.
You are here.
|- Not all of us have dates tonight.
Something's up.
We were supposed to meet in here.
|I don't know what could have happened.
What is all this stuff?|I'm thinking Weird Science, Was Willow messing with her magic|again? Maybe they disappeared.
Maybe she turned Xander|into something ishy.
- There was obviously a fight.
|- I don't see any blood.
Yeah, either they were taken or they ran or - You're having too many "or"s.
Pick one.
|- I don't know.
I need you to find Giles.
I'm gonna look for them.
- Where is Giles?|- He's at a retreat in Breakers Woods.
- I know the spot.
But it's a 45-minute drive.
|- So motor.
- Giles?|- Are you still working out? No, Mom.
Actually I was hoping that we could schedule|a college talk later tonight, I admit I overreacted before.
You don't have to go across the county.
|I picked up brochures from nearby schools.
- That's great, Mom, but now's really not|- Hello, Joyce.
So I'm strolling through the park looking|for a meal, and I happen to walk by, and she's making out with the chaos demon.
So I said "You know, I don't|have to put up with this.
" And she said "Fine.
" So I said|"Fine, do whatever you like.
" I mean, I thought we were gonna make up.
Well, she sounds very unreasonable.
She is.
She's out of her mind.
That's what I miss most about her.
Sometimes, even when two people|seem right for each other, their lives take different paths.
|Like when Buffy's father and I This is different.
Our love|was eternal - literally.
You got any of those little marshmallows? Let me look.
- Spike.
|- Oh, my God.
Get out of here.
Yeah.
You're not invited.
- He'll kill us.
|- Not while I breathe.
Actually, I don't.
- Joyce, listen to me.
|- Get out of this house or I will stake you.
You're a very bad man.
Joyce, you can't trust him.
Invite me in.
- I'll cut your head off.
|- You and what army? That would be me.
Angel, why don't you come on in? Oh, no.
- You shouldn't have come back.
|- I do what I please.
OK, I'm confused again.
Willow! - You took Willow.
|- You do me now, you'll never find the witch.
- Willow's a witch?|- And Xander? - Him too.
|- Xander's a witch? Where are they? It doesn't work like that, peaches.
When did you become soul-having?|I thought you outgrew that.
Your friend will work magic for me.
|When she does my spell, I'll let them go.
- You're not famous for keeping promises.
|- You and your poof want to tag along, fine.
But you get in my way,|and you kill your friends.
What if they were kidnapped by drug lords?|They could be cutting off Xander's ear now.
Or other parts.
Hello? It's Willow.
She's nearby.
What? You can smell her?|She doesn't even wear perfume.
She's afraid.
Oh, my God.
Is this some sort of residual|werewolf thing? This is very disturbing.
I really agree.
I just need a few supplies|and then I'll take you to - What's wrong? Not that I care.
|- My head.
I think I'm soberin' up.
It's horrible.
Oh, God.
I wish I was dead.
If you close your eyes and wish hard Buffy, we still need him to find the others.
Need him? He's probably just|got 'em locked up in the factory.
Hey, how thick do you think I am? Fine.
Could we just get this over with? - Oh, God.
|- Now what? We killed a homeless man on this bench.
Me and Dru.
Those were good times.
You know, he begged for mercy|and that only made her bite harder.
I guess you had to be there.
Your work? Here's a list.
Essence of violet, cloves.
Angel? Right.
A set of runic tablets.
Spike can get the rat's eyes.
I used to bring her rats.
- With the morning paper.
|- More moping.
That's gonna get her back.
The spell's gonna get her back.
- Lotta trouble for someone who doesn't care.
|- Shut your gob.
- She really is just kind of fickle.
|- Shut up! What do you know?|It's your fault, the both of you! She belongs with me.
I'm nothing without her.
That I'll have to agree with.
You're pathetic.
You're not even a loser.
|You're a shell of a loser.
Yeah? You're one to talk.
Meaning? The last time I looked in on you two,|you were fightin' to the death.
Now you're back making eyes|at each other like nothin' happened.
- Makes me want to heave.
|- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Oh, yeah.
You're just "friends".
|- That's right.
You're not friends.
You'll never be friends.
You'll be in love till it kills you both.
You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll|hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends.
Love isn't brains, children.
It's blood.
|Blood screamin' inside you to work its will.
I may be love's bitch, but at least|I'm man enough to admit it.
Eye of rat.
Xander? Are you OK? Dizzy.
Kinda nauseous too.
- Do I remember having a fight with Spike?|- You do.
I won, right? - Kicked his ass?|- You were real brave.
- Do you need to barf?|- No, I'll be OK.
- Where are we?|- The factory.
We're locked in the basement.
That burnt-out place|in the middle of nowhere? - So we're in a scream-all-you-want scenario?|- Pretty much.
- Why didn't he just kill us?|- He wants me to do a love spell.
- What?|- Drusilla broke up with him.
Gee, and we'd all hoped those|crazy kids would make it work.
He's out of control.
I mean, not that|he was Joe Restraint in the old days.
So what are our options? Well, I figure either I refuse|to do the spell and he kills us, or I do the spell and he kills us.
Give me a third option.
He's so drunk he forgets about us and we|starve to death.
That's sort of the best one.
Will, we're not gonna die.
If he's so drunk, he'll get sloppy,|and then I'll make my move.
As long as my move doesn't involve|standing up or using my limbs, we'll be OK.
We're not supposed to.
Exemption for impending-death situation.
Oh, God.
- Oh, God.
|- Oh, God.
Oz.
We have to get outta here.
Cordy, I Cordelia! I fell.
- OK, we got the stuff.
Where are they?|- What's your hurry? My hurry is my intense desire to get you|out of my life.
You cause trouble.
I'll be out of your life|in a few hours.
No trouble at all.
Hello, Spike.
No trouble at all.
Lenny.
How have you been? Better, since you left.
|You should've stayed gone.
- Is that right?|- He was just leaving.
- Don't you start anything.
|- This pissant used to work for me.
- We can't risk this.
|- We don't have a choice.
You other two can walk away from this.
I die, your chums die.
Sorry, we're staying.
Not for long.
Go! This should be a kick.
I violently dislike you.
- Be careful.
|- Yeah.
Don't move, Cordy.
Oz went to get help.
- We need to get outta here.
|- Can we get to the roof? Yeah, I heard you'd gone soft.
|Sad to see it, man.
- Soft?|- Yeah, like baby food.
Well, then.
Let's give baby a taste.
- I'm all right.
|- You're not up to your full strength.
That window's about to go.
Buffy.
Baby like his supper?|Baby like his supper? Why doesn't baby have a nap? Spike, get down! Now, that was fun.
Don't tell me that wasn't fun? Oh, God.
It's been so long since|I had a decent spot of violence.
It really puts things in perspective.
Oh, yeah.
You two.
|Just friends.
No danger there.
- Could we just do the damn spell now?|- Sod that.
Your friends are at the factory.
I'm really glad I came here, you know? I've been all wrong-headed about this.
|Weepin', crawlin', blamin' everybody else.
I want Dru back, I've just got to be|the man I was.
The man she loved.
I'll do what I should have done in|the first place.
Find her, wherever she is, tie her up, torture her, till she likes me again.
Love's a funny thing.
Cordy? Please hold on.
Xander? I can't see you.
Cordy? He created all things|in order that they might exist.
The generative forces|of this world are wholesome.
And there is no destructive poison in them.
|For the dominion of Hades is not on earth.
For righteousness is immortal.
So, Cordelia's gonna be OK? She lost a lot of blood.
|None of her vitals were punctured.
Has she talked to Xander yet? She wasn't allowed to have visitors|at first.
He's going to see her today.
And Oz? I never knew there was anything|inside me that could feel this bad.
For the longest time,|I didn't know what I wanted.
I wanted everything.
And now I just I just want him to talk to me again.
Just give it some time.
And be prepared for some grovelling.
Oh, I'm ready.
I'm all over grovelling.
Good.
See, now, I hear sometimes it works.
Can I come in? They wouldn't let me see you until now.
Those are flowers.
- Look, Cordy, I want you to know that|- Xander? Yeah.
Stay away from me.
I was wonderin' when you were comin'.
I'm not coming back.
We're not friends.
We never were.
And I can fool Giles.
And I can fool my friends.
But I can't fool myself.
Or Spike, for some reason.
What I want from you, I can never have.
You don't need me|to take care of you any more.
- So I'm gonna go.
|- I don't accept that.
- You have to.
|- Look.
There's gotta be some way|we can still see each other.
There is.
Tell me that you don't love me.
# Each careful step # Along the highway # And more, much more than this # I did it my way!