Californication s03e08 Episode Script

- previously on californication This is not a good idea.
you're my student.
- i really thought you were gonna kiss me just then.
- i've never stepped outside of my marriage before.
- i am flattered, but i--i'm - what? were you just gonna leave me behind? - the gods have seen fit To give me another shot at the soul mate.
I gotta be ready for her.
- maybe it's time to stop bangin' The entire college campus.
- right you are [high pitch.]
motherfucker! - you wanted to see me, professor moody? - look, here's the thing-- - oh, my god.
You're trying to end this thing.
- i've been doing some thinking.
- yeah.
me, too.
- so look, here's the thing.
- you're quitting.
i know.
[doorbell rings.]
David.
- hey.
- you're doing it, aren't you? cashing in your freebie.
- i beg your pardon? - fine, i'll do it.
You want to throw your life away? use me.
- please! go! Oh! - come on, show me something.
The hint of a nipple, the suggestion of an areola.
We'll start small, we'll take it from there.
See how you feel.
no pressure Unless you want to see my ? schween ? Because i will totally unfurl for you.
I'm not shy.
- stop it.
your daughter could walk in any second.
- oh, that's impossible.
- it's unlikely, but it's not impossible, And i'm convinced she does not want to see your ? schween ? - oh, why you gotta talk to me like that? Besides, there's like She's not even on the premises.
- where is she? - huh? - where is she? - oh.
she went down to the liquor store for me.
Uh, what? oh, i hear the front door.
We're gonna have to skype you later.
- do not hang up.
hey! - honey, you're pixelating.
- listen, she's with them, right? - what? - she's with them.
- them? They're not an alien race Bent on intergalactic domination.
- well, how do you know that? do you have proof? - no, but you're right.
Maybe i should check the grounds.
Perhaps there's some sort of portal Somewhere in the topiary.
- okay, i'm gonna sign off.
- no, no, no, come on.
no virtual sexy time? Look, i'll start, And you can join in whenever you want.
- no, you know what? you kind of broke the spell.
You know, you blew it.
- you were agin it when you thought she was in her bedroom, And you're agin it now you think She's spending the night with the tudors.
I can't win with you, woman.
Oh, yeah.
Yes.
Yes.
That's it.
oh.
There you go.
oh, yeah, come on.
Whoa, oh! god damn you, that's unfair, To say nothing of bad for my prostate.
Skypus interruptus.
[knock at door.]
[knock at door.]
- want to party? - hi.
[upbeat music.]
? ? [phone ringing and vibrating.]
- [groans.]
[phone ringing and vibrating.]
Hello.
Hello.
Wake up, sleepy head.
You don't want to be late for class.
- [moans.]
- i remember killing that bottle of jack, But i do not recall you making the sex With betty and veronica here.
- oh, no, they, uh They pretty much just amuse themselves.
Could you blame a girl though? It's not like you wanted to have anything to do with us.
- want has nothing to do with it.
I'm trying to be a good boy, you know? - mm, i don't see what's so good about it.
It's a waste of perfectly lovely Private parts if you ask me.
- you never told me What you were celebrating last night anyway.
- oh, yeah, that.
my last dance.
I'm done.
- with what? - the stripping.
- oh, wow, you don't say.
Really? - yep.
i'm out.
No more grinding up on middle-aged hard-ons for me, Except for yours, of course.
- who you calling middle aged? - you, my old dude boyfriend.
- oh, stop it.
you're gonna make me blush.
So what is next for you? - writing.
I'm gonna give it a shot.
I mean, fuck, it's what makes me the happiest, right? Who cares if i die poor, drunk, and alone? - well, who's to say That you're not gonna end up like that anyway? - mm.
well, thank you for showing me the light, teach.
- well, it's been my pleasure and an honor.
Just happy that my half-baked wisdom Could assist you in any way - oh, no.
Don't tell me you're trying to break up with me again.
- well, to be fair and balanced The term "breaking up" implies That once upon a time, we were together.
- okay, so then, just to be clear, The sheer amount of no-holds-barred sex That we've been having recently does not indicate A certain level of intimacy.
- sure.
sure, it does.
what's your point? - god, for someone who loves women so much, You sure don't understand them very well.
- i know this seems all bridges of madison county Right now, but - oh.
[laughs.]
- it's really just more Of a rite of passage for you.
Every comely college-age undergrad has an affair With her favorite middle-aged professor.
- oh.
- even my old lady had one, And it used to bum me out, but now i get it.
It's like she was fucking me before she met me.
[telephone rings.]
Her ass is ringing.
Here, will you hold this? [telephone rings.]
[telephone rings.]
Oh, i should take this somewhere else.
Santa monica perhaps.
- tell her i said hi.
- i will not.
City morgue.
you kill 'em, we chill 'em.
- hey, did she get off to school okay? - one would hope.
jesus.
- well, that's not very comforting.
- oh, well, you know, the peoples of the dean, They are many things, But not punctual is not one of them.
Don't worry so much.
- i tried to check in with her.
I texted, i checked her twitter page.
I got nothing.
i mean, no response.
- duh, we're ruining her life, remember? Or maybe it's game day for the crimson tide.
You know how edgy you get when aunt flo's in town.
- hank, are you trying to piss me off? - you see? is it arts and crafts week At panty camp for you, too? - hank! - what was that? - [mouthing words.]
- uh, what was what? - someone just said "hank.
" - no, that was, uh, the cleaning lady.
The cleaning lady, that was.
- oh, so since when did we have a cleaning lady? - uh, soon.
recently.
She doesn't appear to be dusting.
The place is a mess.
You saw that shit.
it's fucked up.
I gotta go.
- what the fuck is this? - she won't wake up.
- shitness.
is she dead? - i don't know.
- ooh, that's some intense morning breath.
Cheese doodles and beer-- Midnight snack of champions.
She's breathing.
- what'd she take? - i have no idea.
She's like a walking pharmacy, this one.
- she took some ex.
we both did.
[knock at door.]
[knock at door.]
[knock at door.]
- top of the morning, chumly.
- ho, what the fuck do you want? - this guy know who i am? - course he knows who you are.
You met at my place, shared a meal, in fact.
Broke some bread.
- where's the respect? why's he being such a douche? Hey, watch it, rick springfield.
i'm in no mood.
- yo! hey, studs, step back.
no need for a cockfight.
We're here to see about the porsche, okay? You're selling, rick's looking to buy.
We set this up last night, remember? - yes, i remember now, but can we reschedule? I've got a comatose stripper in my bed.
- ha! i been there.
can i help? [thud.]
- oh, ooh! ooh! - man, you hear that? Nothing like the sound of a stripper's head On a hardwood floor.
- what the fuck is wrong with you? - what? oh, you don't rough 'em up? Oh, excuse me, george bailey.
Get a load of this guy.
Last fuckin' boy scout over here.
? jessie is a friend ? ? yeah, i know he's been a good friend of mine ? - charlie, you gotta get this ass clown out of here Before i start swinging.
- oh, yeah? You want to throw down, bad boy, huh? You think you can take this? Guess what? I shit a pint of blood this morning.
- why? Charlie, could you get this girl out of here for me? - i don't know, hank.
this is kind of dirty business.
You know, it's a little shady for me.
- when was the last time i asked you to do something for me? - what are you talking about? i got you those reservations You wanted that time at mr.
chow's.
- yes, you did, spring of 2003.
I remember.
i was still with karen back then.
- you think that shit is easy, hank? You try it sometime.
Restaurant people can be very dismissive.
- okay, all right, all right.
here's how it's gonna go.
Me and rick, we're gonna take her to the e.
r.
, See what's what.
we'll leave your name our of it.
And while we're there, we should really look into Why you're shitting so much blood.
Let's go.
Easy does it, easy does it.
- [grunting.]
- narrow doorway.
Safety first.
- hey, you're rick springfield, aren't you? - that's right, tiny dancer.
Hey, you look kind of familiar.
You ever shake your ass for me? - no, but my mom did, back in the day.
I think you guys boned.
- right on.
she say good things about my big ten-inch? - she said you refused to put a rubber on it.
- that's right, baby.
skin on skin, Let the love begin.
[thud.]
- oh, hey, watch what the fuck you're doing, rick springfield.
- you know what? i've just about had it with this guy And his snotty fucking comments.
I will fuck you till your ass bleeds, cowboy.
- thank god, 'cause i don't think That's gonna take very long.
[knock at door.]
Fuck! Really? Shit.
- i know you're in there, hank moody.
I heard the footsteps.
open up.
- get in the bedroom.
back in the bedroom.
Jilly! - [laughs.]
good morning.
- good mor--just stopping by, huh? look at you.
- yeah, i figured i'd catch you before you left for work.
- caught me you did.
- uh-huh.
- you caught me.
- yeah.
It's a pretty safe bet, Considering you're almost always late.
- [laughing.]
- you gonna invite me in, or what? - [laughs.]
I have something i want to tell you.
I have news, really big news.
- okay, all right, But can it wait? I was just about to jump in the shower.
- oh, perfect.
i'll join you, And tell you in there.
- no, no, no.
I thought we agreed to stop those kind of shenanigans For now.
- yeah, but that's what i want to talk to you about.
- okay.
well, i'm gonna grab some coffee.
Would you like some coffee? 'cause i'm gonna grab-- - ah, not so much.
I just brushed and had a couple of altoids.
- oh, nice, but i'd like a cup.
- all right.
go on, go on, And then just meet me in the boudoir when you get it.
- no, no! don't go in there.
- why? - just please don't.
- oh, my god, do you have a fucking girl in there? - give a guy some credit.
Maybe he just laid down some serious wolf bait.
I just took my morning dump.
It reeks to high heaven in there.
- lovely.
- yeah, it was.
An almost perfect bowel movement, Clean as a whistle, barely had to wipe.
- but you did, right? - i'm not a fucking animal.
of course i did.
What was it that you wanted to talk about, doll? - okay, i've been doing some thinking.
- oh, you mean some over-thinking.
- [laughs.]
shut up, you.
- you! - yes? - i accept you.
- what? - [laughs.]
no, i accept you for who you are.
- oh, you accept me.
thanks, i guess.
- you're not listening, stupid.
- i'm listening.
- i accept you for who you are.
I don't want to change you.
[coffee maker beeps.]
I think we work well together, you know? Kid or no kid, Snip or no snip, i want to be with you.
I think i spent years idolizing-- - sure you don't want some coffee? - no.
i think i was in love with the idea of love.
- tea? - no, thanks.
I like what we have.
- are you hungry? - no, but now i know that i'm in love with you.
I'm in love with you, hank moody.
- [laughs.]
oh, jill.
[jill laughing.]
- this--it's wo--but-- - no, don't "but" me.
don't "but" me now.
- ho! - yeah, or i just might butt you back.
[knock at door.]
- fuck! okay, you hold that very naked thought.
- yeah.
? who is it? ? - it's felicia.
- felicia? fuck.
- fuck, yeah.
you'll be cool? - okay.
- all right.
Stay in there.
- oh! Whoo! - good morning.
- good morning to you.
- [sighs.]
i can't stop thinking about it.
- what? Oh.
oh, that.
Mm, you liked that, did you? - i did.
That was some very intense and powerful love-making, hank.
- mmm.
- what's wrong? - not a big fan of that term-- Love-making, making love.
I prefer boning, stuffing, schtupping, banging, Porking, boffing.
[smacking lips.]
Anything, take your pick, just not love-making.
- so much for the afterglow.
- all right, so what can i do for you this a.
m.
? - i told him.
- him? Fuck.
please tell me that by "him" You mean your therapist? - no such luck, i'm afraid.
- felicia, why on earth would you do something like that? - he knew, hank.
He saw it in my face-- the pure joy, the glow Of a freshly fucked and properly tended-to woman.
So i told him.
i came clean.
It felt so good.
It was the right thing to do.
- jesus fuck.
- jesus fuck is right.
guess what? - what? - i'm leaving him.
- oh, no! oh, no, you're not! - yes, i am.
stacy and i don't make sense anymore.
We haven't for quite some time now.
And i was thinking, life is short.
Fuck it.
i want to spend the rest of my days With someone i feel passionate about, Someone who gives me butterflies, And for better or for worse, hank, that someone is you.
- whoa, whoa, whoa, just slow the fuck down, felicia.
One session of love-making, Now matter how inspired or transcendent, Does not a relationship make.
what about the chelsea? - what about her? - i don't care how bratty or snotty That little shit is.
She doesn't deserve a broken home.
- oh, she'll get over it.
Becca's clearly weathered the storm.
- no, she hasn't.
she's totally fucked up, that kid.
Karen and i made a huge mistake.
We should have stayed together at all costs for her.
But we were stubborn, and we were foolish, And retarded, we were young.
- why don't you just shut up And make love to me already? Or you can fuck me, bang me, stuff me.
take your pick.
Who's that? - that'd be my agent, my representation.
Charlie runkle, felicia koons.
- oh, hey, hey, hey, the dean's wife.
- mm-hmm.
- oh, shit.
Nice to meet you, missus.
- lovely to meet you.
- so where were we? - i was leaving my husband for you.
- hold on a second.
- whoo-hoo! - [laughing.]
Hey, come on, man, you want to get in on this? - you guys are fucking foul.
- you sure? we got an open hole.
- sweetheart, you okay? - don't worry.
they're paying for it Handsomely.
- well, i'm paying for it very handsomely.
- hey, i left my wallet at home.
Don't be such a fucking schnorr, runkle.
Jesus.
i'm losing my wood.
Come on, say it, baby, say it.
- i'm getting fucked by rick springfield.
[springfield laughing.]
? you better love somebody ? whoo! ? oh, i think you better love somebody ? - you okay out here? what are you doing? - what does it look like? - oh, that? i got an apartment full of classics, And you gotta go with that one? - what's the big deal? i've heard good things.
- yeah? well, what do you think? thoughts, criticisms? What do you got? - i like it a lot.
she's a good writer.
My kind of girl obviously.
So, uh, can we leave yet? - uh, no, i still got some fires to put out.
- okay.
are you proud of me for quitting? - absolutely.
You done good, kiddo.
- thanks.
Hey, don't think we're done With the boyfriend/girlfriend conversation just yet.
- hello, hank.
- morning, stacy.
- the front door was open.
- oh, i can be very neighborly that way.
- you never called me stacy before.
Wonder why.
- i don't know.
just kind of rolled Trippingly off the tongue this morning.
- oh, something must be different.
Oh, that's right.
you fucked my wife.
- okay.
well, there's that.
- what could you say? What could you possibly say, hank, To take away the hurt and the pain of being cuckolded? - i got nothin'.
i got nothin' at all.
Uh, i'm sorry.
the well is dry.
I think you should hit me.
you want to hit me? Head, gut--it doesn't matter.
it's only fair.
- no, i don't want to hit you, hank.
I just want to try to understand, how do you do it? - do what? - well, you obviously have this--this-- This thing with women, some very strong connection, That no matter what you do, No matter how big of an ass you are, They seem to respond.
you're a goddamn girl whisperer.
- okay.
Have you listened to your wife lately? - have you? because she gives every indication Of being a woman scorned.
Now, far be it from me To poke my nose into the dean's business, But it seems to me like you hurt her first.
- you're right, i did.
I was weak.
i cheated.
- well - stepped outside my marriage.
Humiliated my better half.
- it happens.
- but she was so hot, hank, this student of mine.
You should have seen her.
- dean-o.
- a priest would have defiled this girl.
- wow.
well, you might want to keep Those kind of details to yourself.
- oh, felicia is wonderful.
A beautiful wife, a beautiful mother.
I was in love with her The first moment i set eyes on her.
I knew she was the one.
She was always a little reserved in the sack.
The british, you know.
- yeah.
- there was never a surplus of oral, And whatever there was dried up right after the wedding.
- okay.
- i never understood that.
- yeah.
here you go.
- a man likes to get his dick sucked.
Well, you know.
- maybe if you took a goddamn shower once in a while.
Do you really think a woman wants to go down on a man Who just walked in off the tennis court? Or just came in from a ride, huh? You think i want to peel off those sweaty bike shorts And go to town? disgusting! - i'm sorry, felicia, but that just so happens to be When this man is at his horniest.
You know that.
- have you heard of compromise, stacy? - compromise--i like where this is going.
- divorce court-- that's where this is going.
- hey, what are you doing here anyway? A free pass means once-- no repeat business.
And we're gonna be discussing this in therapy.
Just you watch.
- that's an excellent idea.
Therapize the fuck out of this shit.
- and you're coming with us, hank.
- oh, that's an awful idea.
- it is awful.
Do you know how much of my life I've wasted on that couch pretending We can just jabber through our issues? No more, stacy.
no more.
I'm in love with someone else.
- yee - are you in love with my wife, hank? - that's a ridiculous question.
- well, she seems to be in love with you.
Do you feel the same? - feel the same? - do you love her? [door thuds.]
- [laughs.]
What do we have here? - what are you doing home? - uh, school closed? what is it, a snow day? - what are you guys doing here? - i believe that question Should be directed at you, young lady.
- copy that, motherfucker.
- i left one of my books here.
i needed it.
- well, you could have called me.
I would have brought it to you.
You know what? i'm gonna take you right back to school Right now, you little guttersnipe.
No more of your double-talk.
I'm taking your lying, no-account ass Back to school, pronto.
come on.
- excellent idea, what he said.
let's go, chelsea.
- no, wait a second.
why are you guys here? - actually, we were chatting about you.
- that's right, we were talking about your offensive behaviors, Which apparently seem now To be not so unjustified, do they? Hey, becca.
becca? - dad? - yes, daughter? - why is there a naked lady in my bedroom? Is that my kimono? [chelsea laughs.]
- yeah.
- way to go, hank.
- oh, my god.
Were you sleeping with your t.
a.
The whole time you were sleeping with me? - what? mom! - well, to be fair, it was only the once.
- bullshit.
- no, i was referring to flea and i.
- i counted three times.
- all in one night doesn't count.
- your dad's fucking my mom.
Dad, anything to say about this? - i think this calls for a family meeting.
- good thinking.
- oh, anyway? [smoke alarm beeping.]
- what is it? - oh, whoa! oh! - oh, boy.
- oh, my god! - [muttering.]
- what the fuck? is that rick springfield? - you bet your khaki-clad ass, white man.
- oh, holy shit.
- you a fan? - where the fuck's that fire extinguisher, runkle? - hey, what's up, sweetheart? - sorry.
- oh, you have got to be shitting me.
Please tell me you have not been fucking her this entire time.
- hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, not in front of the children.
And not last night, i didn't.
i was being good.
I was an officer and a gentleman.
you tell her.
- are these my pants? - wait, who else has he been fucking? You? Oh, gross.
- sorry, man, i just - so you, too, then? - god, no.
thanks.
he's just fucking my mom.
- chelsea, watch your mouth.
- dad, seriously, man up and grow a pair already.
You're gonna let this asshole steal your wife? - hey! that's my father you're talking about.
- thank you, becca.
- i really can't believe i quit stripping for you.
- i still think it's a solid move.
Now, if you'll all excuse me, I appear to have an actual fire to put out.
- sorry about that, dude.
- that's rick springfield.
[fire alarm beeping.]
- okay.
- [moaning.]
- come on, honey, we should really get you to school.
- i can't believe you slept with all of them.
- it's not that simple, sweetheart.
- all of them.
- yes, i suppose i did.
yeah.
- why? - i don't know.
i don't know.
- that's not good enough.
i want to know why.
There has to be a reason.
Make me understand.
- it just sort of happened.
- why do you do things like that? - because i'm an idiot, obviously.
- no, you're not allowed to feel sorry for yourself, Not right now.
You need to talk to me.
You need to tell me why you do the things you do When you know that people can get seriously hurt, Myself included.
- god damn it, i hate it when you're mad at me.
- i'm not mad at you.
You wouldn't get mad at a big, dumb dog For shitting on the rug, would you? - i would, but i'm a harsh taskmaster.
That's just me.
- what do you want me to take away from this, From how you treat women? - oh, jesus.
- is that all they are to you, walking vaginas? - there's no excuse for my behavior.
There's no defense if somebody got hurt, especially you.
But i need you to know that i started out With the best of intentions.
I guess i just wanted them all to see it, The thing that makes them special.
I guess that's all anybody wants is to be seen, To be recognized.
Then the lines get blurry, And the fact that your mom and i are in such a weird place.
Yeah.
hence, the big stinking mess.
But i'm sorry if i let you down, sweetie, And i don't know how much more I'm gonna be able to say i'm sorry Before it doesn't mean anything anymore.
- i don't know, either.
But i have this funny feeling we're gonna find out.
[telephone ringing.]
- hey, honey.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's, uh, at school Receiving her education.
Mm-hmm.
yeah, i'm gonna pick her up And take her to get some ice cream, Shoot the shit, bridge the gap, Just like old times.
mm-hmm.
yeah.
Well, i love you, too.
Skype you later? all right.
- ? oh, soul, all i want ? - where are my fucking clothes? - ? is freedom ?