Coming of Age (2007) s03e08 Episode Script
Fear Itself
You've been expelled! I'm calling the police.
POLICE! POLICE! Bloody lovely.
Oh, there's a sheep on it! You have to see this break up as a fresh start, so you don't end up a sad, tragic self-loathing drunk like Ollie.
OLLIE BURPS All we want to do is All we want to do is All we want to do is, oh Love me, love me All we want to do is All we want to is All we want to do is, oh.
All we want to do is Now listen, everyone.
I've got some very big news.
It's Ollie.
He's decided to give up the What? Sucking cocks? I never thought I'd see the day.
No.
Drinking.
Now what he's is very brave and courageous, so we must support him through it.
But be prepared, he's going to be in a worse mood than a vegan at a hog roast.
Hi, guys! Hi, Ollie! What a wonderful day! The world is still, it's almost primordial.
I've quit the drink and I'm sticking to cordial.
I knew it! Pissed as usual! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you ginger pipsqueak.
It's herbal tea - raspberry and lemongrass.
It's jolly refreshing.
So this is it then? You've given up for good? Sure have.
I was frightened about doing it at first, but since conquering my fears it's given me a new lease of life.
Well, I think this is wonderful news, Ollie.
And I'd really like to support you.
Andnot like I used to, holding you over the toilet, after a pint of whisky.
Then we should all conquer a fear too.
Conkers are great.
I bake them.
To make them hard? No.
To make them tasty.
DK, you may be wondering why I asked you here.
I've just had a very long conversation with your custody officer.
Now, I didn't mean to show her my knob.
My trousers just fell down and I accidentally started wanking.
What else is there to do in a police station? We have decided, given your personal circumstances, it would be appropriate for me to reinstate you at this college.
Really, biatch? Are you wiki-wiki-wa-wa serious? Yes, at least until the police have completed their investigation.
It'll look good if your case goes to court and it'll stop me worrying about you.
Come here.
Thank you.
Now, I'll have to keep you on a tight leash.
Will it be leather? No.
The first thing I want you to deal with is your attitude towards Mr De Wilde.
DK, I need you to befriend him.
Oh, now, but he's a hairy chump.
He's got mummy issues.
He lives in his car.
With his pet rat.
That's dead.
Well, I think you can grow to respect and, in a way, love him.
Love him? You mean as in Hey, you sexy boy.
Wilberforce.
You thirsty? It's OK, Daddy's brought milk.
But he terrifies me.
I imagine his breast milk tastes of cheese string.
We all have to overcome our fears.
All right.
What about you, biatch? You must be scared of something? The Principal fears nothing.
The Principal has nerves of steel and an ass of raw sex.
Oh, come on, sexy tits.
Everybody's got a little fear.
What aboutthe dentist? Aagh! Toots? OK, OK, DK, you're right.
I haven't been to see one in 15 years.
I may have a smile that's stiffened a thousand loins, but I spat out a bit of rib last night and a tooth came with it.
Yeah, you want to see someone about that.
So you all need to ask yourselves the question, what scares you? My fear is words.
Words? Yes.
They leave me quaking like a Quaker in an earthquake.
That's shit himself.
That's easy.
You just need to beef up your vocabulary.
Will that involve weights and things? Cos I have problems with muscle wastage.
He's so thin, when he wanks he catches fire.
Look, just learn a word an hour, do you think you can do that? Probably not.
But I'll try.
Excellent.
Chloe, what are you scared of? Ghosts obviously.
Oh, well, then you just need to spend time in a place that's haunted.
My shed's haunted.
Really? I think so.
Sometimes, after an especially heavy night, I'd wake up with my trousers off and Jezza would be covered in ectoplasm.
Then I shall resolve to spend the night in Ollie's shed.
And I shall also resolve to wear rubber gloves.
Great! So, what's your fear, Robyn Crisp? Well, to be honest, I'm scared I'm scared of dying a virgin.
SHE LAUGHS Chloe, please.
Why are you laughing? Well, because lesbians can't lose their virginity! What? It's a well-known fact.
You can't make a pie with just pastry.
You need meat! Sausage meat! And pork balls! Andergravy! Where do you get these ideas from? Mummy says I'm very imaginative.
So does Dr Fitzgerald and his team of psychiatric experts.
How scary.
Robyn, there must be someone here you've got a crush on? Well, there is Alice the captain of the netball team.
I wouldn't mind slipping around her left wing defence and slam dunking one into her basket.
So why don't you ask her out on a date? OK.
I will.
All right, mate.
Get away from my choccy nut crunch! I just want to talk to you.
Can I have a word in private? A word in private? Oh, my God, this is some sort of trap, isn't it? No, I just You're going to kill me, aren't you? Get away from me! HE SCREAMS HE SCREAMS AGAIN HE STOPS SCREAMING My spoon.
HE SCREAMS Come on, Jas, this was your idea.
What fear are you trying to overcome? Is it the fear of living without me, eh, eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh, eh? Eh? I'll stop doing that now.
Yeah, good plan.
Now I, Jasmine Brown, she with the vocal range of Charlotte Church only not dumpy, will re-audition for the National Youth Theatre.
Jas, are you sure that's a good idea? Last time, when you did that excerpt from Equus in the style of the Cheeky Girls, that didn't go down so well.
I want to be taken seriously as an actooooooooor.
As an actor? No, no, as an actooooooooor.
Oh, an actooooooooor.
Well, you'll have to be incredibly self obsessed.
I can do that.
Why don't you learn a piece of old Billy Shakespeare? Oh, William Shakespeare! I could be like Dame Judi Dench or Barry Chuckle.
Yeah, and I promise, Jas, I'll help you in any way I can.
Just remember there's nothing to fear except fear itself.
And turning 21.
I never want to be that old.
Get away from me, Darren Karrimor! I don't want your gift.
But mate, you'll like it.
I won't like it.
I bet it's a snake, or an eyeball or a bomb.
I don't want it.
I don't, I don't, I don't! Promise, sweetheart, you do.
Really? Really.
OK.
If this is not something totally wizard of fabulous, I swear to God I shall sit on you.
It's fine.
Right.
It'sit's your homework! Yeah.
Oh, DK, this is fabulous! This is wonderful! The prodigal son has returned! Come to Wilberforce! No, no, that's fine OK, you can stop that, mate What's that smell? I'm a big man.
We seep.
Oh, my Go! Here I am, Princess Chloe, in the shed waiting for ghosts to arrive.
Mmm, well nothing scary here, erm SHE SCREAMS Oh, God! I-I-It's OK.
It's OK.
It's just Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Deep breaths.
SHE SCREAMS Oh, God! It's that stupid Welsh freak's sex toy! SHE SCREAMS AGAIN Oh, God! Where's the light? Where's the light? CRASH Oh, bumholes.
It's no good.
As soon as something new goes into my brain, something else plops out the other side.
It's like when I learnt the pin for my debit card and I forgot how to put my trousers on.
I give up.
I'm having just as much trouble getting to grips with this passage.
HE CHUCKLES Passage.
I just don't relate to Shakespeare.
What is a dog of war? I don't know why you're bothering with all this Shakespeare stuff.
Why don't you do something interesting for your audition, like magic? Ooh.
Yeah, great, DK(!) All right then.
Why don't you do it in the style of someone? Like Arnold Schwarznegger.
"Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of waaar!" No.
All right.
Well, just do a tap dance then.
Can you tap dance? Yes.
Ooh, tap dancing, are we? I can do that.
He just won't leave me alone! And guess what else? I've learnt to rap.
Oh, no.
RAPS: # Yo, yo, yo, peeps Wilberforce D-W is in the house Wacky, wacky, woo, woo Oh, God, stop! Stop now, please! Peeps, I've got to go and see the principal, so I'll see you later.
Or as Arnie would say, "Arghh, now, grout!" Wait for me! GROANS SHEEPISHLY Aww, sweet.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Ollie.
What have you got there? More delicious herbal tea.
Oh, I love this stuff, it's like drinking a hedgerow.
How are you guys getting on? Well, actually, mate You know, it's really amazing what you guys are doing.
I walked past the pub earlier and I was really tempted.
But just the thought of you guys it's keeping me on the straight and narrow, whereas, when I drank, I'd walk in zig-zags.
Really? That's a shame because We're all making really excellent progress! Really? Oh, yes! I learnt some acting about dogs and shit, and Matt learnt the word dog shit.
Oh, damn! What? I've forgotten my double dandelion and elderflower.
I need my double dandelion and elderflower.
Bugger! Bugger! Damn! Bye! Bye, Ollie.
Oh, God, Matt.
What's up, Jas? You look sad and not in a good way.
You heard Ollie.
He's relying on us.
If he thought we were going to give up trying to conquer our fears, he might fall off the wagon.
What wagon? Look, if you're finding it too hard learning long words from the dictionary, just make them up.
I don't think I'll be good at that.
You'll have to try, Matt.
And as I can't get this Shakespeare passage, I'll have to find something else.
Can you think of any Greek tragedies? Taramasalata.
It's bloody disgusting.
Hello.
I'm Robyn.
Care to come for a drink? Hi, I'm Robbie Robster, fancy a shag? Hey, slut, get your coat, I've got a knife.
What are you doing? Erpsyching myself up to ask Ace Arse Alice out.
Bleurgh! Well, you wanted to know.
Have you got a Ouija board on you? Sorry, left it at home.
Along with my divining sticks and crystal ball(!) Typical lesbian.
There she is! Wish me luck! Certainly not.
It's heathen.
It's against God.
Oh, look there's a ghost.
Aaagh! SHE LAUGHS SHE WHIMPERS Hi.
Hi.
You're Robyn, aren't you? Alice.
No, I'm Alice.
Oh, yes! SHE GIGGLES AND SNORTS Oh, God! Oh, no, snorting.
Not attractive, no.
Eryeah.
So, I was wondering what are you doing tonight? Kim's having a hot tub.
Me and some of the girl's are going to go round and frolic about in our swimwear.
Why, do you want to come? Want to? I think I just have.
What? Wait Are you a lezza? Umm Now, by lezza, do you mean lesbian or do you mean a fan of Les Dennis, the popular Liverpudlian cuckold? Oh, my God, you is a lezza! Well yes, I am.
I'm gay.
I've just been asked out by a lezza! Actually I'm sorry, lezza, but you wish, freak! Chloe, why did you do that? I don't know Maybe I like you - bollocks! No, no, no, no! DK, keeping out of trouble I hope? You've got to help me, biatch.
What's the matter? It's Mr De Wilde, he's following me everywhere.
Do you mind if I just butt in? Butt out! You mean NO! Well, it's funny when you do it.
Get out! All right, check you later, friend-potater.
What am I going to do? You're going to have to talk to him.
Oh, no.
Really? Well, don't look so sad.
Everything's going to be fine.
How did things go at the dentist? Better than expected.
He had very gentle hands.
Very gentle hands indeed.
Oh, my God.
You didn't? Let's just sayhe filled a cavity.
I'm going back this afternoon to get them whitened.
With come? SHE LAUGHS Yes! "Like smoke blown to heaven on the wings of the wind, "our country, our conquered country, perishes.
"It's palaces are overrun "by the fierce flames and the murderous spear" Oooh, what a palaver! What part's that? Some bloke called Chorus.
Do you think the National Youth Theatre would mind if I brought it up to date a bit? Oh, Jas, once they witness the quality of your work, it won't matter one way or the other.
Aw, thanks, Chlo.
So I'm thinking disco lights, roller skates I'm thinking hot-pink Lycra and nipple clamps.
The Trojan Women, but for the 21st century.
Now with added legwarmers.
All this conquering of fears stuff makes me think that maybe it was fear that split me and Matt up.
Maybe I was scared of the depth of my feelings for him and so I pushed him away.
Good afternoon.
And may I say how Freddie-Flintoff-ographical you both look today.
And maybe not.
How's the word-learning going Matt? Most Cilla-Black-er-mosly thank you.
Oooo! You sound like you've swallowed a dictionary.
I tried that and it didn't work.
Or should I say, it wasn't Myleene-Klass-rectical.
I'm just making up words now.
From random celebrities and a bunch of suffixes? That's hardly going to help you conquer your fear, is it? I think it'll do the job quite Eamon-Holmes-er-ifically.
Not if nobody understands you.
You'll just alienate people.
Alienate? Ha! You're just making words up too! No, Matt - alienate.
It means excluding people.
Ex exwhat? Showing hostility.
Horses what? Big bad words make people go sad.
Ohh.
But that's how I feel most of the time in lessons.
As soon as a word has over two cymbals my bowel starts spasming and I know it'll soon be time for a Matthew Movement.
Conquering my fear of words was a bad idea.
I can't even understand myself any more it really is Michael-McIntyre-ous.
HIS STOMACH RUMBLES Err, bye.
What have you got there, Chlo? I'm making a Ouija board.
If the spirits won't come to me, I'll go to them.
All right, specs-on-the-beach? Hi, DK, are you all right? No.
I'm trying to avoid Mr De Wilde.
He won't leave me alone.
The Principal asked me to talk to him, but I can't pluck up the courage.
Well, Mr De Wilde likes me, even more than music of Michael Bublee-doo.
Maybe we could go and see him together? Actually, that'd be great.
Thanks, specs-on-legs.
Hey, how did things go with Alice? Did you, eh No.
Actually, she blew me off.
Really? Hot! No, I mean she rejected me.
It's not fair, DK, I don't want to be a virgin forever.
Oh, I've got an idea.
What? How about that? Pretty tempting, isn't it? Yeah? No.
Lesbian.
Well, this is embarrassing.
And then, a massive high-heeled shoe comes down behind Clytemnestra's head, crushing Agamemnon and Cassandra.
And that point we go into a dance routine, "Troy might be burning but it ain't as hot as me.
" And then What? What's the problem, why are you laughing? It's nothing, nothing at all.
Is it stupid? It's stupid, isn't it? Well It looks like you're taking the piss out of the ancient Greeks.
But I'm not.
I just want to be taken seriously as an actor.
Jas, your strength as an actor doesn't lie in all this pretentious stuff.
You don't have to audition with Chekhov or Kafka.
Who? You just have to find something you're comfortable with, just something that relates to you.
Hmmm OK, I trust you.
Actually, there has been a part I've been looking at for quite a while and I think I'd be really good at it, becauseI've played her before.
Well, that's brilliant.
What is it? Well Little donkey, little donkey On the dusty road Got to keep on Moving on now With your precious load.
No.
No.
Hey, dead guys Hello? Come and have a chat, yeah? We can talk recipes - soul food.
Ha! Come on, justanyone.
Anything at all? Chloe? SHE SCREAMS That girl needs to chillax.
Ooh! A Ouija board.
Do my new teeth make me even hotter? I thought so.
Now, DK, someone promised me we'd be renting mini-bikes and heading to the country this weekend, yeah? Mr De Wilde we've got to stop this.
It's pretty frightening, Sir.
What are you talking about? Well, you've always had such an antagonistic relationship.
But we're over that now.
We're besties.
But, Mr De Wilde the way it was before, the banter, the arguments I really miss that.
O-M-F-G! I miss it so much too.
What? You know when you were doing all your tricks and basically being an all-round prick? Yeah? I got more attention.
The Principal would listen to my woes, the kids would be kinder to me because they couldn't top you.
Now we've become friends, people have started tripping me up in the corridor and stealing my pickled egg collection.
Oh, no! I can't imagine a worse crime(!) Tell me about it.
I've only got Clive left! Maybe we could go back to the old way? Do you mean it? Well, we are supposed to be getting on, the Principal said, cos I'm out on bail.
OK, it'll be our little secret.
I won't tell Mummy - I mean, the Principal.
It's not fair, Jas.
I'm probably never going to get a girlfriend.
I'm probably never even going to get a kiss.
I don't think that's true.
Why not? Because Come here! I think my knickers just exploded! This is brilliant.
What? You mean you enjoyed it too? But you're way fitter than Alice.
No.
I've just done my first gay part.
Only great actresses do gay parts! I must be a great actress.
Great.
You were wonderful! Although, really good thespians do the odd sex scene now and then if it has artistic merit.
Robyn, darling, popsicle, lovey.
Yes.
Straight.
Hi, Jas.
Hey, Chlo.
Are you still scared of ghosts? Yep.
Bloody terrified.
Luckily, I've got the Dark Lord to protect me.
Bring him in, Ollie! Isn't he kindly? I conquered my fear.
You've learnt a new word, Matt? No.
But I've realised the most important word on this lonely old planet - friendship.
Oh, my God, that's SO cheesy.
I thought he was going to say wanking.
What about you, DK? Mr De Wilde and me have decided friendship doesn't work for us.
I've just put a French banger in his clarinet.
CLARINET TOOTING FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION Darren Karrimor, is this your work?! Sure is, giant gay-stacks.
It's good to have you back, ballbag.
Takes one to know one, sexy tits.
Piss off and die.
Thanks, lover-boy.
Well, this is pretty bloody spiffing, isn't it? It's been a hard term, though.
Robyn arriving, DK's dad, Matt and Chloe splitting up, but we've got through it.
We have.
Yeah.
As friends.
That's right.
Lovely lesbian friends.
Speak for yourself, Velma.
Well, I dunno about you, peeps, but I feel a song coming on.
DK, I'm not dressed appropriately for a musical finale.
You are forgetting, sweetheart I'm a magician.
SPOOKY MUSIC Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be La-la-la-la Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be La-la-la-la Ah-ah-ah Lots of things Can give you a fright From DK's face To turning out the light But the thing to remember As you start shiver Only vibrators Should make you quiver Only vibrators Should make you quiver Because there's nothing to fear Except fear itself And zombies, demons Witches and elves There's nothing to fear Except the fear inside And of course that man With a scythe Hello, darlings! HE CACKLES .
.
Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be Aaa-aah Everybody has Issues in life Like problems with parents Or telling the wife But the thing to remember As you face life's toil Only Ollie's breath Should make you recoil Only Ollie's breath Should make you recoil Because there's nothing to fear Except fear itself Zombies, demons Witches and elves There's nothing to fear So just have a stab Oh, my God What's that on the slab? It's only me! Standing up for yourself Might not seem easy Licking chuffs Might make you feel queasy But the thing to remember is Take the chance Now clear the decks Cos I wanna break-dance! Clear the decks Cos he wants to break-dance Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be La-la-la-la Ah, brain! .
.
Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be La-la-la-la Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be La-la-la-la Delicious! So there's nothing to fear Except fear itself And zombies, demons Witches and elves There's nothing to fear Now we have to go See you soon, peeps We hope you have enjoyed the show Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be La-la-la-la.
ALL: Balamory!
POLICE! POLICE! Bloody lovely.
Oh, there's a sheep on it! You have to see this break up as a fresh start, so you don't end up a sad, tragic self-loathing drunk like Ollie.
OLLIE BURPS All we want to do is All we want to do is All we want to do is, oh Love me, love me All we want to do is All we want to is All we want to do is, oh.
All we want to do is Now listen, everyone.
I've got some very big news.
It's Ollie.
He's decided to give up the What? Sucking cocks? I never thought I'd see the day.
No.
Drinking.
Now what he's is very brave and courageous, so we must support him through it.
But be prepared, he's going to be in a worse mood than a vegan at a hog roast.
Hi, guys! Hi, Ollie! What a wonderful day! The world is still, it's almost primordial.
I've quit the drink and I'm sticking to cordial.
I knew it! Pissed as usual! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, you ginger pipsqueak.
It's herbal tea - raspberry and lemongrass.
It's jolly refreshing.
So this is it then? You've given up for good? Sure have.
I was frightened about doing it at first, but since conquering my fears it's given me a new lease of life.
Well, I think this is wonderful news, Ollie.
And I'd really like to support you.
Andnot like I used to, holding you over the toilet, after a pint of whisky.
Then we should all conquer a fear too.
Conkers are great.
I bake them.
To make them hard? No.
To make them tasty.
DK, you may be wondering why I asked you here.
I've just had a very long conversation with your custody officer.
Now, I didn't mean to show her my knob.
My trousers just fell down and I accidentally started wanking.
What else is there to do in a police station? We have decided, given your personal circumstances, it would be appropriate for me to reinstate you at this college.
Really, biatch? Are you wiki-wiki-wa-wa serious? Yes, at least until the police have completed their investigation.
It'll look good if your case goes to court and it'll stop me worrying about you.
Come here.
Thank you.
Now, I'll have to keep you on a tight leash.
Will it be leather? No.
The first thing I want you to deal with is your attitude towards Mr De Wilde.
DK, I need you to befriend him.
Oh, now, but he's a hairy chump.
He's got mummy issues.
He lives in his car.
With his pet rat.
That's dead.
Well, I think you can grow to respect and, in a way, love him.
Love him? You mean as in Hey, you sexy boy.
Wilberforce.
You thirsty? It's OK, Daddy's brought milk.
But he terrifies me.
I imagine his breast milk tastes of cheese string.
We all have to overcome our fears.
All right.
What about you, biatch? You must be scared of something? The Principal fears nothing.
The Principal has nerves of steel and an ass of raw sex.
Oh, come on, sexy tits.
Everybody's got a little fear.
What aboutthe dentist? Aagh! Toots? OK, OK, DK, you're right.
I haven't been to see one in 15 years.
I may have a smile that's stiffened a thousand loins, but I spat out a bit of rib last night and a tooth came with it.
Yeah, you want to see someone about that.
So you all need to ask yourselves the question, what scares you? My fear is words.
Words? Yes.
They leave me quaking like a Quaker in an earthquake.
That's shit himself.
That's easy.
You just need to beef up your vocabulary.
Will that involve weights and things? Cos I have problems with muscle wastage.
He's so thin, when he wanks he catches fire.
Look, just learn a word an hour, do you think you can do that? Probably not.
But I'll try.
Excellent.
Chloe, what are you scared of? Ghosts obviously.
Oh, well, then you just need to spend time in a place that's haunted.
My shed's haunted.
Really? I think so.
Sometimes, after an especially heavy night, I'd wake up with my trousers off and Jezza would be covered in ectoplasm.
Then I shall resolve to spend the night in Ollie's shed.
And I shall also resolve to wear rubber gloves.
Great! So, what's your fear, Robyn Crisp? Well, to be honest, I'm scared I'm scared of dying a virgin.
SHE LAUGHS Chloe, please.
Why are you laughing? Well, because lesbians can't lose their virginity! What? It's a well-known fact.
You can't make a pie with just pastry.
You need meat! Sausage meat! And pork balls! Andergravy! Where do you get these ideas from? Mummy says I'm very imaginative.
So does Dr Fitzgerald and his team of psychiatric experts.
How scary.
Robyn, there must be someone here you've got a crush on? Well, there is Alice the captain of the netball team.
I wouldn't mind slipping around her left wing defence and slam dunking one into her basket.
So why don't you ask her out on a date? OK.
I will.
All right, mate.
Get away from my choccy nut crunch! I just want to talk to you.
Can I have a word in private? A word in private? Oh, my God, this is some sort of trap, isn't it? No, I just You're going to kill me, aren't you? Get away from me! HE SCREAMS HE SCREAMS AGAIN HE STOPS SCREAMING My spoon.
HE SCREAMS Come on, Jas, this was your idea.
What fear are you trying to overcome? Is it the fear of living without me, eh, eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh? Eh, eh? Eh? I'll stop doing that now.
Yeah, good plan.
Now I, Jasmine Brown, she with the vocal range of Charlotte Church only not dumpy, will re-audition for the National Youth Theatre.
Jas, are you sure that's a good idea? Last time, when you did that excerpt from Equus in the style of the Cheeky Girls, that didn't go down so well.
I want to be taken seriously as an actooooooooor.
As an actor? No, no, as an actooooooooor.
Oh, an actooooooooor.
Well, you'll have to be incredibly self obsessed.
I can do that.
Why don't you learn a piece of old Billy Shakespeare? Oh, William Shakespeare! I could be like Dame Judi Dench or Barry Chuckle.
Yeah, and I promise, Jas, I'll help you in any way I can.
Just remember there's nothing to fear except fear itself.
And turning 21.
I never want to be that old.
Get away from me, Darren Karrimor! I don't want your gift.
But mate, you'll like it.
I won't like it.
I bet it's a snake, or an eyeball or a bomb.
I don't want it.
I don't, I don't, I don't! Promise, sweetheart, you do.
Really? Really.
OK.
If this is not something totally wizard of fabulous, I swear to God I shall sit on you.
It's fine.
Right.
It'sit's your homework! Yeah.
Oh, DK, this is fabulous! This is wonderful! The prodigal son has returned! Come to Wilberforce! No, no, that's fine OK, you can stop that, mate What's that smell? I'm a big man.
We seep.
Oh, my Go! Here I am, Princess Chloe, in the shed waiting for ghosts to arrive.
Mmm, well nothing scary here, erm SHE SCREAMS Oh, God! I-I-It's OK.
It's OK.
It's just Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Deep breaths.
SHE SCREAMS Oh, God! It's that stupid Welsh freak's sex toy! SHE SCREAMS AGAIN Oh, God! Where's the light? Where's the light? CRASH Oh, bumholes.
It's no good.
As soon as something new goes into my brain, something else plops out the other side.
It's like when I learnt the pin for my debit card and I forgot how to put my trousers on.
I give up.
I'm having just as much trouble getting to grips with this passage.
HE CHUCKLES Passage.
I just don't relate to Shakespeare.
What is a dog of war? I don't know why you're bothering with all this Shakespeare stuff.
Why don't you do something interesting for your audition, like magic? Ooh.
Yeah, great, DK(!) All right then.
Why don't you do it in the style of someone? Like Arnold Schwarznegger.
"Cry havoc and let slip the dogs of waaar!" No.
All right.
Well, just do a tap dance then.
Can you tap dance? Yes.
Ooh, tap dancing, are we? I can do that.
He just won't leave me alone! And guess what else? I've learnt to rap.
Oh, no.
RAPS: # Yo, yo, yo, peeps Wilberforce D-W is in the house Wacky, wacky, woo, woo Oh, God, stop! Stop now, please! Peeps, I've got to go and see the principal, so I'll see you later.
Or as Arnie would say, "Arghh, now, grout!" Wait for me! GROANS SHEEPISHLY Aww, sweet.
Hi, guys.
Hey, Ollie.
What have you got there? More delicious herbal tea.
Oh, I love this stuff, it's like drinking a hedgerow.
How are you guys getting on? Well, actually, mate You know, it's really amazing what you guys are doing.
I walked past the pub earlier and I was really tempted.
But just the thought of you guys it's keeping me on the straight and narrow, whereas, when I drank, I'd walk in zig-zags.
Really? That's a shame because We're all making really excellent progress! Really? Oh, yes! I learnt some acting about dogs and shit, and Matt learnt the word dog shit.
Oh, damn! What? I've forgotten my double dandelion and elderflower.
I need my double dandelion and elderflower.
Bugger! Bugger! Damn! Bye! Bye, Ollie.
Oh, God, Matt.
What's up, Jas? You look sad and not in a good way.
You heard Ollie.
He's relying on us.
If he thought we were going to give up trying to conquer our fears, he might fall off the wagon.
What wagon? Look, if you're finding it too hard learning long words from the dictionary, just make them up.
I don't think I'll be good at that.
You'll have to try, Matt.
And as I can't get this Shakespeare passage, I'll have to find something else.
Can you think of any Greek tragedies? Taramasalata.
It's bloody disgusting.
Hello.
I'm Robyn.
Care to come for a drink? Hi, I'm Robbie Robster, fancy a shag? Hey, slut, get your coat, I've got a knife.
What are you doing? Erpsyching myself up to ask Ace Arse Alice out.
Bleurgh! Well, you wanted to know.
Have you got a Ouija board on you? Sorry, left it at home.
Along with my divining sticks and crystal ball(!) Typical lesbian.
There she is! Wish me luck! Certainly not.
It's heathen.
It's against God.
Oh, look there's a ghost.
Aaagh! SHE LAUGHS SHE WHIMPERS Hi.
Hi.
You're Robyn, aren't you? Alice.
No, I'm Alice.
Oh, yes! SHE GIGGLES AND SNORTS Oh, God! Oh, no, snorting.
Not attractive, no.
Eryeah.
So, I was wondering what are you doing tonight? Kim's having a hot tub.
Me and some of the girl's are going to go round and frolic about in our swimwear.
Why, do you want to come? Want to? I think I just have.
What? Wait Are you a lezza? Umm Now, by lezza, do you mean lesbian or do you mean a fan of Les Dennis, the popular Liverpudlian cuckold? Oh, my God, you is a lezza! Well yes, I am.
I'm gay.
I've just been asked out by a lezza! Actually I'm sorry, lezza, but you wish, freak! Chloe, why did you do that? I don't know Maybe I like you - bollocks! No, no, no, no! DK, keeping out of trouble I hope? You've got to help me, biatch.
What's the matter? It's Mr De Wilde, he's following me everywhere.
Do you mind if I just butt in? Butt out! You mean NO! Well, it's funny when you do it.
Get out! All right, check you later, friend-potater.
What am I going to do? You're going to have to talk to him.
Oh, no.
Really? Well, don't look so sad.
Everything's going to be fine.
How did things go at the dentist? Better than expected.
He had very gentle hands.
Very gentle hands indeed.
Oh, my God.
You didn't? Let's just sayhe filled a cavity.
I'm going back this afternoon to get them whitened.
With come? SHE LAUGHS Yes! "Like smoke blown to heaven on the wings of the wind, "our country, our conquered country, perishes.
"It's palaces are overrun "by the fierce flames and the murderous spear" Oooh, what a palaver! What part's that? Some bloke called Chorus.
Do you think the National Youth Theatre would mind if I brought it up to date a bit? Oh, Jas, once they witness the quality of your work, it won't matter one way or the other.
Aw, thanks, Chlo.
So I'm thinking disco lights, roller skates I'm thinking hot-pink Lycra and nipple clamps.
The Trojan Women, but for the 21st century.
Now with added legwarmers.
All this conquering of fears stuff makes me think that maybe it was fear that split me and Matt up.
Maybe I was scared of the depth of my feelings for him and so I pushed him away.
Good afternoon.
And may I say how Freddie-Flintoff-ographical you both look today.
And maybe not.
How's the word-learning going Matt? Most Cilla-Black-er-mosly thank you.
Oooo! You sound like you've swallowed a dictionary.
I tried that and it didn't work.
Or should I say, it wasn't Myleene-Klass-rectical.
I'm just making up words now.
From random celebrities and a bunch of suffixes? That's hardly going to help you conquer your fear, is it? I think it'll do the job quite Eamon-Holmes-er-ifically.
Not if nobody understands you.
You'll just alienate people.
Alienate? Ha! You're just making words up too! No, Matt - alienate.
It means excluding people.
Ex exwhat? Showing hostility.
Horses what? Big bad words make people go sad.
Ohh.
But that's how I feel most of the time in lessons.
As soon as a word has over two cymbals my bowel starts spasming and I know it'll soon be time for a Matthew Movement.
Conquering my fear of words was a bad idea.
I can't even understand myself any more it really is Michael-McIntyre-ous.
HIS STOMACH RUMBLES Err, bye.
What have you got there, Chlo? I'm making a Ouija board.
If the spirits won't come to me, I'll go to them.
All right, specs-on-the-beach? Hi, DK, are you all right? No.
I'm trying to avoid Mr De Wilde.
He won't leave me alone.
The Principal asked me to talk to him, but I can't pluck up the courage.
Well, Mr De Wilde likes me, even more than music of Michael Bublee-doo.
Maybe we could go and see him together? Actually, that'd be great.
Thanks, specs-on-legs.
Hey, how did things go with Alice? Did you, eh No.
Actually, she blew me off.
Really? Hot! No, I mean she rejected me.
It's not fair, DK, I don't want to be a virgin forever.
Oh, I've got an idea.
What? How about that? Pretty tempting, isn't it? Yeah? No.
Lesbian.
Well, this is embarrassing.
And then, a massive high-heeled shoe comes down behind Clytemnestra's head, crushing Agamemnon and Cassandra.
And that point we go into a dance routine, "Troy might be burning but it ain't as hot as me.
" And then What? What's the problem, why are you laughing? It's nothing, nothing at all.
Is it stupid? It's stupid, isn't it? Well It looks like you're taking the piss out of the ancient Greeks.
But I'm not.
I just want to be taken seriously as an actor.
Jas, your strength as an actor doesn't lie in all this pretentious stuff.
You don't have to audition with Chekhov or Kafka.
Who? You just have to find something you're comfortable with, just something that relates to you.
Hmmm OK, I trust you.
Actually, there has been a part I've been looking at for quite a while and I think I'd be really good at it, becauseI've played her before.
Well, that's brilliant.
What is it? Well Little donkey, little donkey On the dusty road Got to keep on Moving on now With your precious load.
No.
No.
Hey, dead guys Hello? Come and have a chat, yeah? We can talk recipes - soul food.
Ha! Come on, justanyone.
Anything at all? Chloe? SHE SCREAMS That girl needs to chillax.
Ooh! A Ouija board.
Do my new teeth make me even hotter? I thought so.
Now, DK, someone promised me we'd be renting mini-bikes and heading to the country this weekend, yeah? Mr De Wilde we've got to stop this.
It's pretty frightening, Sir.
What are you talking about? Well, you've always had such an antagonistic relationship.
But we're over that now.
We're besties.
But, Mr De Wilde the way it was before, the banter, the arguments I really miss that.
O-M-F-G! I miss it so much too.
What? You know when you were doing all your tricks and basically being an all-round prick? Yeah? I got more attention.
The Principal would listen to my woes, the kids would be kinder to me because they couldn't top you.
Now we've become friends, people have started tripping me up in the corridor and stealing my pickled egg collection.
Oh, no! I can't imagine a worse crime(!) Tell me about it.
I've only got Clive left! Maybe we could go back to the old way? Do you mean it? Well, we are supposed to be getting on, the Principal said, cos I'm out on bail.
OK, it'll be our little secret.
I won't tell Mummy - I mean, the Principal.
It's not fair, Jas.
I'm probably never going to get a girlfriend.
I'm probably never even going to get a kiss.
I don't think that's true.
Why not? Because Come here! I think my knickers just exploded! This is brilliant.
What? You mean you enjoyed it too? But you're way fitter than Alice.
No.
I've just done my first gay part.
Only great actresses do gay parts! I must be a great actress.
Great.
You were wonderful! Although, really good thespians do the odd sex scene now and then if it has artistic merit.
Robyn, darling, popsicle, lovey.
Yes.
Straight.
Hi, Jas.
Hey, Chlo.
Are you still scared of ghosts? Yep.
Bloody terrified.
Luckily, I've got the Dark Lord to protect me.
Bring him in, Ollie! Isn't he kindly? I conquered my fear.
You've learnt a new word, Matt? No.
But I've realised the most important word on this lonely old planet - friendship.
Oh, my God, that's SO cheesy.
I thought he was going to say wanking.
What about you, DK? Mr De Wilde and me have decided friendship doesn't work for us.
I've just put a French banger in his clarinet.
CLARINET TOOTING FOLLOWED BY EXPLOSION Darren Karrimor, is this your work?! Sure is, giant gay-stacks.
It's good to have you back, ballbag.
Takes one to know one, sexy tits.
Piss off and die.
Thanks, lover-boy.
Well, this is pretty bloody spiffing, isn't it? It's been a hard term, though.
Robyn arriving, DK's dad, Matt and Chloe splitting up, but we've got through it.
We have.
Yeah.
As friends.
That's right.
Lovely lesbian friends.
Speak for yourself, Velma.
Well, I dunno about you, peeps, but I feel a song coming on.
DK, I'm not dressed appropriately for a musical finale.
You are forgetting, sweetheart I'm a magician.
SPOOKY MUSIC Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be La-la-la-la Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be La-la-la-la Ah-ah-ah Lots of things Can give you a fright From DK's face To turning out the light But the thing to remember As you start shiver Only vibrators Should make you quiver Only vibrators Should make you quiver Because there's nothing to fear Except fear itself And zombies, demons Witches and elves There's nothing to fear Except the fear inside And of course that man With a scythe Hello, darlings! HE CACKLES .
.
Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be Aaa-aah Everybody has Issues in life Like problems with parents Or telling the wife But the thing to remember As you face life's toil Only Ollie's breath Should make you recoil Only Ollie's breath Should make you recoil Because there's nothing to fear Except fear itself Zombies, demons Witches and elves There's nothing to fear So just have a stab Oh, my God What's that on the slab? It's only me! Standing up for yourself Might not seem easy Licking chuffs Might make you feel queasy But the thing to remember is Take the chance Now clear the decks Cos I wanna break-dance! Clear the decks Cos he wants to break-dance Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be La-la-la-la Ah, brain! .
.
Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be La-la-la-la Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be La-la-la-la Delicious! So there's nothing to fear Except fear itself And zombies, demons Witches and elves There's nothing to fear Now we have to go See you soon, peeps We hope you have enjoyed the show Shoo-be-doo-be-doo-be La-la-la-la.
ALL: Balamory!