Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (2015) s03e08 Episode Script
Nathaniel Needs My Help!
1 Crazy is when I go off the rails This is what you've done to me Crazy is how your loving makes me feel This is what I always want to be I like it when a girl gets crazy in bed Don't mess with the bitch who's crazy in the head - You do - You don't Want to be crazy - And you don't - You do Want to be crazy To clarify, yes, no, on the crazy We hope this helps.
What? Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Mr.
Plimpton Sr.
, how wonderful to see you! - Pop, you're here.
- Were you asleep? - Were you feeling ti-ti? - No, I was, um, I was sick? AUDRA: Hello, Bert.
How long have you been a diagnosed schizophrenic? 16 years.
DARRYL: Maybe having a baby started out as a whim, but it's what I want for my life now.
You don't want a baby, maybe not ever.
This is not Josh's fault.
It's not even about Josh.
Maybe it never was.
JOSH: I'm spiraling.
I feel like there's no ground under me, you know? I'm here for you.
(Rebecca moaning) (moans softly) - Whoa.
Good morning.
- (giggles): Hi.
Hi, how are you? I am so great.
(chuckles) Hey.
I have an idea.
Why don't you take the day off today and let's do something fun like go to Raging Waters.
Oh, I'd love to if water parks weren't disgusting.
Oh And I have a deposition today.
But, then tonight, I'm taking you to a fancy dinner in Beverly Hills.
(squeals): What? Yeah, I made reservations.
It's a bit of schlep, but (laughs) Wait, since when do you use the word schlep? Oh, well, I've been watching a lot of Seinfeld.
I have a Jewish girlfriend, after all.
(squeals): Girlfriend?! Wow, you are squealing a lot today.
(squeals): Only 'cause you're such a mensch.
- Oh, oh, this again, okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, all right.
(both moaning) (shower running) How's your shower? He can't hear me, it's fine.
(sighs contently) (birds chirping) (chuckles) (sniffs) Oh, Nathan-ay-el.
I scooped up his shirt and I smelled it.
But I didn't just smell it, I-I buried my whole face in it.
And it smelled so good.
It smelled like the yummiest parts of his armpit.
- I wanted to live in it.
- Don't panic.
Okay? You felt intimacy and affection, that's okay.
But is it, though? For me, first it starts out as intimacy and affection and then I get one little love kernel That's what I call them And the next thing you know, you know, I'm buying a shrub costume and hanging someone's teddy bear from a closet rod by a karate belt.
- What? - We'll talk about that later.
The point is, I am worried how much I'm into this guy.
Is it bad? Is-is-is it bad? Please tell me it's not bad.
It feels so good, but is it bad? Rebecca, you're here.
You're in therapy, working hard, addressing your issues.
Okay, all you have to do is slow down a bit.
Just be mindful as you get to know Nathaniel better.
Okay, be mindful as I get to know him better.
I can do that.
Just one more thing.
Oh, lord.
Is it bad that I'm wearing this? It's not great.
PAULA: Hey, Darryl.
You ready? We got some things to go over before the deposition.
What is that? Is that a hooker catalog? It's not safe for work, buddy.
Hey, while I'm busting your balls, I got to say, it stinks in here.
The taxidermy, the hides, the feathers.
There's so much dead Southwestern stuff here, it's like CSI: New Mexico.
This is my heritage.
Honey, if you bought it at a gas station, it ain't heritage.
So, can you put away the hooker book and let's go.
This is not a hooker book.
In and amongst these pages is the potential mother of my child.
You mean, a surrogate? No, the surrogate is a nice lady from Chino Hills whose already done this for a few other families.
These are the egg donors.
These are the women whose DNA I'm gonna be commingling with.
Wow, Darryl.
I got to say, I am proud of you.
I thought after your breakup, you would just dissolve into a puddle, but you are forging ahead all alone.
That's exactly the problem.
I feel like I'm picking a future for this baby and it's all on me.
What if I pick the wrong person? - What if I mess this up? - (sighs) I am trying not to meddle in people's lives so much, but I can see you need help.
Also, catalog shopping and judging people are two of my best events, so (laughs) why don't I just pull up a tom-tom and take a look.
(clears throat) That's a priceless antique.
Oh, please, I know off-price retail when I see it.
Oh, this is easy.
Here we go.
Okay, rapid-fire: Crooked nose, snaggletooth, from Nevada, weird mole, dumb scarf, likes cats, dimple on one side, clearly drunk, no chin, sloping chin, three chins, vegetarian.
Oh, my God, I didn't notice all these bad things.
I don't want my child to go through life with something like just one dimple.
It's already gonna have just one parent.
Aw, Darryl.
Darryl, don't worry about that.
I mean, yeah, okay, they'll only have one parent, but it's a good one.
You think I'm a good parent? I do.
You know, the first time I saw you with Madison, you know what I thought? âOh, this is what he's good atâ" Hey, when do we get to go through the guy catalog? What do you mean? I'm providing all the guy stuff.
Really? So all your stuff still works? It's not expired? Well, I don't know.
I mean they haven't tested it yet.
Oh, my God, what if my guy stuff is bad? I didn't even think of that.
Tell you what.
You go to the doctor right now, get your mayonnaise tested.
While you are doing that, I will find us the right girl.
Don't we have to go to the deposition? Oh.
(groans) You go.
That is boring compared to this.
This is a chance to create the ultimate human.
(laughs diabolically) Get out.
Go.
Oh Mmm That was really good Italian food tonight.
Ooh.
You know what was even better? I'm gonna say the sex we just had.
- Yep.
- Mmm.
Hey, I was thinking about it and I want to get to know each other better.
Outside of the, the sex.
Okay, yeah, let's do it.
Yeah.
Uh, all right.
Let me think of a question for you.
Um Ooh! Okay, here's one.
- Tell me about your childhood.
- Well, I don't know, I don't think we need to talk about that.
Oh, no, no, please, tell me.
I want to know, what was little Nathaniel's life like? Hmm? Well, um, okay, my parents are not super warm.
Um, I was kind of a lonely kid.
I didn't have any siblings.
I was good friends with the gardener, which is why I hablo español.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I'm just picturing, like, little Nathaniel wandering around, little-little bow tie and knee socks like Prince George.
(chuckles) Okay, well, it wasn't so bad.
My mom and I, uh, we actually have a pretty good relationship.
Um my dad and I not so much.
Our relationship consists mainly of him glowering and me cowering.
Sometimes I wish we were closer.
You know? Or close at all.
Or like, knew each other.
Wow, I've, uh, I've never said that to anyone.
Really? I mean, I've talked to Esteban about it, but I've never had a girlfriend who, you know, wants to get to know me like you do.
Well, have you talked to your father about this? Have you told him you wish you were closer? You should tell him.
No, God, I could never.
He should know how sweet you are.
- Am I? - Yes.
Wow, it's crazy that you think that.
I just (sighs) I just wish there was some way for your father to know how wonderful you are.
PAULA: She's perfect.
Look.
Number 456H76.
I have been through this entire book and she is the only acceptable one.
College educated, doesn't smoke, left-handed That means creative.
When asked for their pastimes, she's the only one who did not mention the beach or her dog or going to the beach with her dog.
Also, no duck lips, no contouring, no fake eyelashes, no posing on a flamingo float.
She is the one.
I don't even have a second choice.
Oh, yeah, she looks nice.
She's got kind eyes.
Your welcome.
Yeah! Hello.
I would like to place an order for Mr.
Whitefeather.
We would like one egg from number 456H76, please.
What do you mean it's not available? So, you have it, but I can't have it? Do you have the egg or not? (yells): It's in the It's in the catalog.
(groans) It's unbelievable.
Apparently these women can just opt out of being donors whenever they want, even though their eggs are still in the vault.
Oh, it's so unfair, frustrating.
Coffee time George Time for George's coffee A little time just for George? He's gonna make himself a cup - He's gonna drink it up, he's - REBECCA: Psst.
Oh, hey, Rebecca.
How are you? It's good to see you.
Shut up.
Just meet me in the bathroom now.
Ladies', mens', what's happening? - (Rebecca sighs) - What are you doing? I mean, why are we sneaking around? Okay, listen.
Cool.
No one's here.
I don't work here anymore and I just can't deal with people right now, being like, âOh, how are you? Are you feeling better?â And, âI'm glad you're not deadâ" and, âIf you were so depressed, why didn't you lose weight?â (gasps) I don't think anybody would say that.
I like your very normal body.
I think it's brave.
Blech.
Okay.
Point is, I just can't deal with people right now.
But, I need you to do something for me.
I don't have access to the company database anymore and I need you to forward me Nathaniel Sr.
's calendar.
I'll tell you why.
I'm gonna accidentally on purpose Run into Nathaniel Sr.
So I can repair his relationship with Nathaniel.
He needs to know how wonderful and sweet and thoughtful Nathaniel is.
- My Nathaniel? - Yes, our Nathaniel! For instance, he always makes sure that I am taken care of first, if you get my drift, and his dad needs to know things like that.
Okay.
Yeah, no, I don't think this is a good idea.
Shut up! I'm sorry.
That was mean.
Shut up.
Just get me Nathaniel Sr.
's calendar.
I don't think that's a good idea.
It is an invasion of privacy, and I don't work for you.
Okay, you know what? I respect that.
It's just, if you don't do this, I will try to kill myself again, and this time, I'll succeed, and the note will blame you.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Okay, so, come on, scurry and get it.
(snaps fingers) Otherwise, uh, uh (imitates rope pull, gunshot) Oh, my God.
I'm just (sighs) Joshua, darling, this is not great.
You haven't packed at all.
You're moving out, and this closet is still full of junk.
(sighs): Oh.
You know I need this whole room for my in-home daycare business.
This is the toddler room.
The muralist is coming on Monday.
(sighs) She's painting a wonderful dolphin scene.
Dolphins? Are you kidding?! You never let me have a dolphin mural, and I love dolphins.
They're the princes of the sea.
When I was a toddler, I just had walls.
Why are you making me move? I don't want to move.
But I need this room, sweetheart.
You know that.
And it will be so fun living with Hector and his mother.
She lives near Souplantation.
You love Souplantation.
I'm just going through a tough time.
Too much change.
I'm still on probation with Aloha, I had to quit Home Base after my zit explosion.
And I went through this really intense thing with Rebecca, who, come to find out, never really cared about me.
I'm in a lot of flux.
(whining): Flux! Josh, please.
Just pack the closet, my sweetheart.
(sighs) REBECCA: I think I can really bring Nathaniel and his dad closer together.
You know, bridge the gap between them, and I have such a great plan for doing that.
- Hmm.
I wonder about that.
- What? It feels like you're putting yourself out there again.
No, I'm being very mindful, like we talked about.
And I'm using the exact tools that we have all learned here in group therapy with my friends, Lana and Clarice and Bert - and Jo illson.
- Rick.
My name is Rick.
I tell you every week.
You full-on forgot his name.
Yes, I did, but Rick, I mean, doesn't even know my name, and he barely shows an interest in me.
If you ask me, your over-involvement in your dude's life is very problematic, Rebecca Nora Bunch.
- Oh - (laughs) - BERT: Snap.
- Didn't you tell us other stories about you trying to run into people? If you ask me, the whole thing sounds very âOâ" âOâ? Oh.
No, Lana, it's not O-bsessive.
I agree with L.
Seems âO.
â B-T O.
Can we just use real words? Is that so much to ask? BERT: Listen, Rebecca, I know how easy it is to get obsessed.
I also get intense about stuff.
I get very maniacally fixated on things, and that's why they thought that I was a paranoid schizophrenic, but they were obviously wrong.
I am borderline, and that's why I can't trust them or anyone else, because they're all out to get me! Bert, hey, hi.
Look at me.
Let's take a breath.
Were you saying that to him or me? 'Cause you were looking right at me.
I don't need to take a breath.
Bert does, - and Rebecca definitely does.
- How dare you.
I think we all need to take a deep breath.
(all inhaling deeply) (all exhaling) SHIN: That feels better.
- Lana didn't breathe.
- You can't make me.
Okay, everyone, I hear you.
I appreciate everyone's advice, and I am being present and taking it in.
And Lana, it's true, okay? I did spy on people in the past, and it was unhealthy, but this time, it's not that.
I'm doing something nice for someone that I care about.
Which is okay, right, Dr.
Shin? Doing nice things is fine.
Overextending yourself because you're idealizing someone is what I want you to keep an eye on.
Okay.
Okay, my eyes are on that.
My eyes are on me.
Ah.
Well, hello, number 456H76.
(Paula laughs) Oh, it's too easy.
Hi.
I'm Paula.
Do you have a second? - Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, excuse me, Miss, do you have any magazines with men in them? Sure.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
I I'd like to hang onto 'em both.
Oh, of course.
Whatever brings all your boys to the yard.
Oh, thank you.
That is really professional of you to say.
(laughs) GEORGE: What am I doing here? I got you his schedule.
I want out of this scam.
Well, sorry, but you're my driver and my wingman and co-conspirator and my suicide prevention buddy.
What don't you understand about this relationship? Put on these pants.
Just do it here right now.
Well, I can go to the bathroom.
There's no time, and don't worry.
I know what you got down there.
I've seen plenty of them in my day.
Well, I'm-I'm wearing underwear, so you wouldn't - Just put on the damn pants! - Okay.
Oh, well, no! What are we doing? Where are we even going? I'm so sad I don't have the ability to fire you right now.
Tell me, or I'm out.
Oh, really? 'Cause boop, boop, glug, glug, glug.
- âIt was George.
George made me do itâ - Then I'll do it, I'll do it.
REBECCA: Okay.
So, Nathaniel Sr.
Will be here any second, and when he gets here, I am going to walk over and just casually strike up a conversation about golf.
I stayed up all night watching old Masters Tournaments, yeah, memorizing stats.
Oh, here's one.
For instance, did you know that Arnold Palmer won 92 tournaments, and is not just a beverage? - (car door opens) - Oh, there he is.
There he is.
Okay.
Enjoy.
REBECCA: Okay, he's not really dressed for golf, but All right, so we're just gonna walk up to him and be like, âOh, I think âyou're Nathaniel Plimpton, Sr.
I'm kind of dating your son.
â All right.
Come on.
Oh.
Oh.
Wait.
He's walking the wrong way.
What? Where is he going? Ooh.
Hmm? - Who the hell is that? -(car door closes) Where is Nathaniel Sr.
going? I don't know.
It could be a drug deal or an affair.
Probably ride-sharing app.
All right, well, come on.
Let's follow him.
What now? Well, if something weird is going on, I have to get to the bottom of it.
I owe it to Nathaniel, so, let's go.
(sighing): Oh.
(sucks in through teeth) (sighs) Good-bye, baseball I caught at Dodger Stadium.
Good-bye, volleyball I caught at Redondo Beach.
(sniffs) Oh.
Good-bye, tissue from the cold I caught from the hot girl in algebra class.
(laughing) Oh, man! Oh! (laughs) Oh! I can't throw this out.
This has all my favorite karaoke tracks on it.
What? The batteries still work.
(laughs) (whirring) - (chiming) - âFirst Love!â Love this song.
(echoes): Hello.
Check, one, two, three.
- Oh.
- (upbeat melody plays) MAN: Tonight I'm looking back (laughs) I'm watching the pains flick across the flames Of a million memories You don't know me, but I have a confession to make.
Does it have anything to do with the fact - that you've been stalking me? - What? I've seen you skulking around the park for the past hour.
I'm flattered, but I'm into men.
Sorry.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no.
I I have to talk to you urgently.
So what is up with you taking your eggs off the donor site? I have a dear friend who really, really, really wants to make a baby with those eggs.
Okay, so this is not appropriate or legal.
So I'm just gonna reach for my phone and call the police.
Oh, no, no, no! What do you want? What do you want? Ooh! How about store credit at an off-price retailer? I just returned a tom-tom thingie that you can kind of sit on.
Okay, look, this is none of your business, and I'm sorry for your friend, but I'm not donating anymore.
I graduated, and I'm getting married, and I'm moving on.
But your picture is still there, and we fell in love with you.
And-and you already donated the egg! I mean, it's just sitting there on ice.
All-all you have to do is sign a release.
Please, please, please let us have the last one.
He needs it.
Oh! (groans) Mm! Oh, my God, I am so nervous.
What if my swimmers are no good? What if I can never again climb the sacred mountain of fatherhood? Are you, like, even listening? I got the yank bank on the horn.
- Oh, God.
- They're on line four.
Give 'em your cell, would ya? I don't like to vomit at work.
Thanks for the update.
This is Mr.
Whitefeather.
What? Yes? Oh, is it bad? Are they slow? Are they dead? Were there any? Uh-huh.
(upbeat rhythm plays) Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Oh, God, this is gonna be gross.
My sperm is nice and healthy In terms of sperm, I'm wealthy I'm like Warren Buffett, I got so much of it That's what the doctors tell me My point is in a nutshell Each time I bust, I bust well I got the quantity and the quality No IUD is stopping me 'Cause my semen's steaming like a demon And all the surrogates be screaming Just give me some of that premium grade baby batter I never splatter My sperm, my sperm is no cause for concern My sperm is healthy, my sperm is healthy Aw, shucks, gee whiz I got the best sperm in the biz My sperm is healthy, my sperm is healthy My sperm is healthy.
Brad, you, too? Even though I'm no teenager My boys still throw a rager They get bottle service in every cervix Blowin' eggs up like a pager Every lady's gettin' fertilized Got a diaphragm? It's gettin' pulverized My sperm shines brighter than the sun So wear special glasses or avert your eyes Give thanks, my tank's not shooting blanks I'm in a league of my own just like Tom Hanks Not a castaway but I blast away That thing I do is inseminate you With my sperm, my sperm The tests have all confirmed His sperm is healthy His sperm is healthy Aw, shucks, gee whiz My sperm just aced the quiz My sperm is healthy My sperm is healthy My sperm is healthy.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
REBECCA: Well, they look very cozy.
Think we can rule out ride-share.
Not necessarily.
You know, I've actually had some of my best dates when I was paying by the mile.
Ugh, geez, I need a new sidekick.
You make me so sad.
(quietly): Okay.
Okay, who is that? Wow, that girl looks young enough to be his daughter.
Hey, old man.
She is his daughter.
That's his mistress and that's his daughter.
Oh, my God.
I mean, this is I just uncovered years of-of-of family secrets and pent-up anger and-and-and secrets.
Did I say secrets? I think I said secrets.
I mean, this is way better than the little bits of love I was gonna have to try to wring out of his dried-up old dad.
This is something so much better.
I-I-I got him a nice, juicy, wonderful, little sister.
Ah, I'm amazing.
I no, I don't think you're seeing this the way people are gonna see it.
MRS.
HERNANDEZ: You have to tell Darryl the donor said no.
I will get to it.
Will you ease up already, Fonzie? Topical reference.
Good one.
PAULA: Good night.
- MRS.
HERNANDEZ: Later.
- PAULA: See you.
Number 456H76.
What are you doing here? I thought about it.
- I'll do it.
- (gasps) I'll call the bank - and tell them to release my last egg.
- Oh, thank God! There's just one thing I want - which is to - Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
We can talk about details later, but right now, I am gonna run upstairs and tell Darryl it is on.
Thank you! Thank you so much! Mmm.
Mmm.
It is so cute how you do that.
- Eat food? - Yes.
Mm.
You know, I keep thinking about the sad thing that we were talking about the other day, about how you were lonely as a kid.
I just keep picturing you in footie pajamas, - sitting on Santa's lap - (chuckles) being all sad and lonely.
But when you were sitting on Santa's lap, like, what did you wish for? - Did you ask for a puppy or a kitty - Hmm.
Or a little brother or sister? - That's what you asked for, right? - Uh, no.
I mostly asked for treasury bonds.
Okay.
But, but if you had had a little brother or sister, that would've made you so happy, right? Yeah, I guess.
- Hmm, might've been fun.
- Yeah? - Let me get these out of the way.
- Okay.
(clears throat) (sighs) Now that you're mine I will take good care of you, ooh, ooh Baby Life wouldn't be worth Living As I do here Every day I love you in a precious way Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, no.
You're still doing karaoke videos? You've been up all night, sweetie.
You haven't even packed your closet.
I know, I'm just, I'm getting nostalgic.
The times in my life when I sang along to these songs I mean those moments are all gone.
(sighs) Okay, Josh.
I understand what you're going through.
Really, I do.
But it's time to have a little conversation.
JOSH: Oh.
(mic feedback whines) My son, my beautiful child You brought me joy You've made me smile But now that you're grown And you're a man Why are you still here? I don't understand It's time to get your ass out of my house I don't care where you go I just want you to know You've got to get your ass out of my house Seriously Why do you still live with me? Year after year You're always here So let me be clear I want you to disappear Just in case you had any doubt It's time to get your ass out Okay, I get it.
I should've packed up the closet.
You're right.
You're totally right.
I'm you don't have to keep singing.
My son, perhaps that was mean But I think you should know How frustrated I've been That Dad and I can't have sex Ew.
- As loud as we want - Uh So follow along with this highlighted font And please just Get your ass out of my house (mouths) - 'Cause I'm not in the mood - to keep on buying your food Good God, just get your ass out of my house My church friends think it's a shame They say my son is so lame What's up with the random rowboats? You can sleep in the park You can sleep on a bus You can live anywhere As long as it's not with us Thanks to your feet, this house smells like sauerkraut So, my dear child Get your ass out.
(mic feedback whines) Everyone, get used to speaking softly, hand-sanitizing constantly and never bringing uncut grapes to the office again.
There's gonna be a baby in here.
(giggles) My God, tell me everything.
Oh, Paula, I am so excited.
They're putting my hot sauce on the eggs this morning, and the surrogate is on call and as soon as the embryo starts to divide, they can implant it.
(laughs): Oh, that's so great.
(phone chimes) Would you excuse me for a minute? - Sure.
- Okay.
Hi.
What's this text about money? He already paid you.
Yeah, but not enough.
You left before I could finish the other day.
Yes, I gave you my egg, but I had terms.
You see, the way you approached me was a bit unorthodox and I would hate for the police to find out that you violated my anonymity and stalked me.
That would be a bummer.
- What? - So, I'd like to be paid in monthly installments for the rest of the baby's life.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
(laughs): Wait.
You're blackmailing me?! And you're a smoker.
Yeah.
But you checked âno smoking.
â Yeah.
Oh, my God, you're a horrible person.
I can't believe I picked you out of a catalog.
If you were a sweater, I would send you back, or at least put you in the front hall closet for six months while I intend to send you back.
Whatever.
You're stuck with me.
Your friend's making a baby with me right now.
No.
Not on my watch.
I am, I am stopping this right now.
WOMAN: Thank you for calling the San Fernando Egg Donor Center.
Hi.
Stop.
Hold the baby presses.
Just-just don't fertilize.
Don't do it.
Just keep - the huevos out of the rancheros.
- We're closed for the day.
Hello? Hello? Please leave your name and number after the beep and we will get back to you Wait.
H no.
During our normal business hours.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
So what are we doing here? Why are we meeting a client in his dump? I am so sorry.
I lied to you.
There is no client.
She made me do it.
I tried to stop her, but I-I couldn't.
It's Rebecca.
She is a train and you can't get off.
And you're trying to pull the brake, but the next thing you know, you're shoveling more coal into the engine.
I don't know how trains work.
I am so sorry that I hit your car.
Uh, but a dozen donuts is the least that I can do.
Ugh, I don't want a dozen donuts.
I want your insurance information.
I've been asking you for that for half an hour.
Rebecca.
What's-what's happening here? A surprise.
An impish ruse, but for the best of reasons.
Wait, what's going on here? Did you hit my car on purpose? NATHANIEL: Hold on.
Y-You hit her car? Yes, yes, yes, but for all the right reasons.
Nathaniel (sighs) meet your sister.
That's right, Nathaniel.
This is your sister, sired by your father and his secret whore.
I know this would be a shock at first.
WOMAN: Whoa, whoa.
Whore? And sister? What's happening? And Nathaniel, what are you even doing here? You don't eat donuts.
Uh (stammers) Sorry, you know him? - You know your secret sibling? - Okay, so, I'm gonna run away.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Yeah.
But how do you two know each other? Her mom was my dad's secretary for years, Janice.
Okay, right, and they're having an affair.
WOMAN (laughs): No.
My mom worked for Mr.
P.
Sr.
for 30 years, so he pays for my tuition and once in a while, we invite him over to lunch.
Wait (stammers) why all the secrecy? Why does he pretend to play golf? He has 150 employees.
You think he wants to pay hundreds of tuitions? Wait a minute.
How do you know he pretends to play golf? Um, uh Okay, I think we need to have a talk.
(sighs) Oh you did it, honey.
Don't you feel so much better? No, I feel terrible.
And you're being so mean lately.
Joshy, what's really going on with you? I don't know.
My whole life, I-I knew what I was gonna do, who I was gonna be.
Get a comfortable job, marry Valencia, see you guys every weekend, coach Little League, go to church, hang out with my friends, own a shave ice machine (sighs) But none of it makes sense anymore.
I don't want those things now.
I know, growing up is hard.
I've been trying to remember when it stopped making sense.
I I moved back from New York, I tried to settle back in, but things were not right between me and Valencia because I started spending time with Rebecca.
And that job at Aloha, Rebecca also got for me because she believed in me.
And then V and I split up, also because of Rebecca.
When you think about it, Rebecca's everywhere.
She changed me.
Made me think my life could be different.
I could be special.
My God, she ruined me.
I spent my whole life in flip-flops and she made me want closed-toed shoes.
I can't go back to my old life.
I-I got to find a new life! (snoring) - Hey, Mom! - (snorts) Oh.
Sorry.
Those are not real problems.
(scoffs) God, I hope it's a girl.
I want to name her Daphnila or Sefarine.
Yeah, not names.
What's the matter with you? Why aren't you more excited? This baby was Frankensteined by you.
Yeah, no, it is.
I-I-I know.
(scoffs) What? What's wrong? There are a couple of little details that I neglected to tell you.
- (phone rings) - Oh.
Oh.
Yes? Hello, Dr.
Ellerbe.
Yes? Yes! I'm gonna be a daddy?! Oh, God, no.
Oh, the fertilization didn't take.
Thank God! What? It didn't work? But Oh, no, no, no.
Darryl, number 456H76 was a blackmailing, secret smoking bitch.
And I know that because I tracked her down and I gave her all this blackmail leverage.
And I can't believe I did that.
Oh, God, I'm so out of practice.
So sloppy.
So nothing happened? There's no baby? Oh, no, honey.
Not this time.
But this is a good thing.
I promise.
And next time, we're gonna get somebody so much better.
Yeah.
Okay, in another year.
A year? Paula, it is really expensive to buy those huevos.
I can only do it, like, once a year.
Oh, my God.
(softly): I'm so sorry.
(sighs) Oh (sighs) I have to stop interfering in people's lives.
I do it when I'm unhappy, I do it when I'm happy, and either way, it never works out.
Uh, doy.
I deserve that.
So you said you wanted to talk, but you haven't said anything.
(clears throat) - I'm still processing.
- Okay.
Okay, that's healthy.
Um I will just, uh, I'll wait here and eat until you're ready.
- Thank you.
- Great.
(huffs under breath) Oh, God, just tell me.
Do you forgive me? Are you gonna forgive me? Please don't break up with me.
Just tell me, okay? Just rip the Band-Aid off.
Are you gonna break up with me? You're breaking up with me.
But are you? Are you gonna break up with me? Rebecca, what you did was absolutely It was over the top.
Inexcusable.
I-I know.
But you were trying to help.
Yes.
Yes, I was, I really was.
The thing is, you and I are really different.
But that's part of what I like about you.
And I feel closer to you than I have to basically anyone.
You make me feel like I could be a different kind of person, a person who expresses their feelings and-and cries at movies and makes eye contact with homeless people.
So you're gonna forgive me? Yeah, I think I will.
- (exhales) - But you have to promise never to do anything like that ever again.
I promise.
I swear.
Come here.
This table's really long.
I'm just gonna Very long.
I'm just gonna come over there.
Come on over.
I'm just gonna I'm just gonna scoot over here.
Oh, hi.
REBECCA: Whew! So whew! I got away with it.
(laughs) - Mm-hmm.
- That was the wrong choice of words.
I mean, we worked it out.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, I hear you.
And what I did was not the best idea.
Mm-hmm.
But it came from caring and affection.
It wasn't about obsession.
No, what I did was selfless and kind.
It was too kind.
- Rebecca - I like this guy, okay? I like him a lot.
I like him so much and I want to be with him.
So, what, I can never have a great relationship because I have borderline personality disorder, is that what you're saying? Not at all.
But doesn't it feel like you're repeating some old patterns? Your patterns with Josh, perhaps? Uh, J-J-Josh? No, no, no.
No, no, no.
The way I am with Nathaniel is nothing like the way I was with Josh.
I just want to make Nathaniel a better person, and I want to make him happy all the time and I want to get to know everything about him and I want to get to know everyone in his life and I want to have that feeling that you get when you really get to know someone and it feels like glitter is exploding inside of you.
Ah Oh Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I've been thinking about ways to raise money.
Here they are, rapid-fire: Bake sale, car wash, lap dances in the office Here me out.
Not a lot of people know this, but Mrs.
Hernandez has a rack on her What the hell happened in here? I sold it.
I sold all of it.
(gasps) Jackalope I know.
I know.
People wanted to buy that junk? Most of it, no.
I mean, I did have one piece of turquoise that turned out to be real.
(gasps) And then the rest I just sold to stupid hipsters at the Melrose flea market.
I want to try again right away; I don't want to wait.
I am ready for this baby.
Well, that's great, Darryl.
And I promise, this time I will stay out of it.
Oh, no, please don't.
Me and Tasmyline we need you, Auntie Paula.
Auntie Paula? Oh (laughs) - Oh, I like the way that sounds.
- I know.
Me, too.
But I don't like the way Tasmyline sounds, so that is a hard, hard no on that.
What about Shatonka? Uh It means âlady truck.
â (birds singing) REBECCA: I ran into Josh.
He made me feel warm inside, like glitter was exploding inside me.
(knocking at door) Hey.
Hey Can I talk to you for a second? (exhales) Okay.
Sure, come on in.
I, um (clears throat) uh, came over to see you because there's something I never said.
Oh, God, Josh Look, if you're here to say sorry, there's really no need.
Like it's fine, stuff happens.
No, not sorry.
Thank you.
Wh What? Before I met you, I set the bar so low for myself.
But you freed me from that.
Whatever my future holds, it's different from what I planned and (sighs) that's because of you.
Wow.
Now I'm, uh, learning to break out of my patterns.
Well, Josh, thank you for coming here and saying all these things.
This must have been hard.
It was.
And, um, you know, the truth is, I'm a bit of a coward.
And I'm not great at doing the hard thing, even when I know it's right.
God, doing the right thing, is there anything worse? But (exhales loudly) there comes a time when (clicks tongue) it's what you have to.
Hey, Josh, not to be rude, but there's something I need to do, so can you get your ass out of my house? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
(sighs) (knocking at door) - Hi.
- Hi.
Rebecca, what's wrong? Nathaniel, I, uh I have to do something I've never done before.
What? (clears throat, exhales)
What? Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Mr.
Plimpton Sr.
, how wonderful to see you! - Pop, you're here.
- Were you asleep? - Were you feeling ti-ti? - No, I was, um, I was sick? AUDRA: Hello, Bert.
How long have you been a diagnosed schizophrenic? 16 years.
DARRYL: Maybe having a baby started out as a whim, but it's what I want for my life now.
You don't want a baby, maybe not ever.
This is not Josh's fault.
It's not even about Josh.
Maybe it never was.
JOSH: I'm spiraling.
I feel like there's no ground under me, you know? I'm here for you.
(Rebecca moaning) (moans softly) - Whoa.
Good morning.
- (giggles): Hi.
Hi, how are you? I am so great.
(chuckles) Hey.
I have an idea.
Why don't you take the day off today and let's do something fun like go to Raging Waters.
Oh, I'd love to if water parks weren't disgusting.
Oh And I have a deposition today.
But, then tonight, I'm taking you to a fancy dinner in Beverly Hills.
(squeals): What? Yeah, I made reservations.
It's a bit of schlep, but (laughs) Wait, since when do you use the word schlep? Oh, well, I've been watching a lot of Seinfeld.
I have a Jewish girlfriend, after all.
(squeals): Girlfriend?! Wow, you are squealing a lot today.
(squeals): Only 'cause you're such a mensch.
- Oh, oh, this again, okay.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, all right.
(both moaning) (shower running) How's your shower? He can't hear me, it's fine.
(sighs contently) (birds chirping) (chuckles) (sniffs) Oh, Nathan-ay-el.
I scooped up his shirt and I smelled it.
But I didn't just smell it, I-I buried my whole face in it.
And it smelled so good.
It smelled like the yummiest parts of his armpit.
- I wanted to live in it.
- Don't panic.
Okay? You felt intimacy and affection, that's okay.
But is it, though? For me, first it starts out as intimacy and affection and then I get one little love kernel That's what I call them And the next thing you know, you know, I'm buying a shrub costume and hanging someone's teddy bear from a closet rod by a karate belt.
- What? - We'll talk about that later.
The point is, I am worried how much I'm into this guy.
Is it bad? Is-is-is it bad? Please tell me it's not bad.
It feels so good, but is it bad? Rebecca, you're here.
You're in therapy, working hard, addressing your issues.
Okay, all you have to do is slow down a bit.
Just be mindful as you get to know Nathaniel better.
Okay, be mindful as I get to know him better.
I can do that.
Just one more thing.
Oh, lord.
Is it bad that I'm wearing this? It's not great.
PAULA: Hey, Darryl.
You ready? We got some things to go over before the deposition.
What is that? Is that a hooker catalog? It's not safe for work, buddy.
Hey, while I'm busting your balls, I got to say, it stinks in here.
The taxidermy, the hides, the feathers.
There's so much dead Southwestern stuff here, it's like CSI: New Mexico.
This is my heritage.
Honey, if you bought it at a gas station, it ain't heritage.
So, can you put away the hooker book and let's go.
This is not a hooker book.
In and amongst these pages is the potential mother of my child.
You mean, a surrogate? No, the surrogate is a nice lady from Chino Hills whose already done this for a few other families.
These are the egg donors.
These are the women whose DNA I'm gonna be commingling with.
Wow, Darryl.
I got to say, I am proud of you.
I thought after your breakup, you would just dissolve into a puddle, but you are forging ahead all alone.
That's exactly the problem.
I feel like I'm picking a future for this baby and it's all on me.
What if I pick the wrong person? - What if I mess this up? - (sighs) I am trying not to meddle in people's lives so much, but I can see you need help.
Also, catalog shopping and judging people are two of my best events, so (laughs) why don't I just pull up a tom-tom and take a look.
(clears throat) That's a priceless antique.
Oh, please, I know off-price retail when I see it.
Oh, this is easy.
Here we go.
Okay, rapid-fire: Crooked nose, snaggletooth, from Nevada, weird mole, dumb scarf, likes cats, dimple on one side, clearly drunk, no chin, sloping chin, three chins, vegetarian.
Oh, my God, I didn't notice all these bad things.
I don't want my child to go through life with something like just one dimple.
It's already gonna have just one parent.
Aw, Darryl.
Darryl, don't worry about that.
I mean, yeah, okay, they'll only have one parent, but it's a good one.
You think I'm a good parent? I do.
You know, the first time I saw you with Madison, you know what I thought? âOh, this is what he's good atâ" Hey, when do we get to go through the guy catalog? What do you mean? I'm providing all the guy stuff.
Really? So all your stuff still works? It's not expired? Well, I don't know.
I mean they haven't tested it yet.
Oh, my God, what if my guy stuff is bad? I didn't even think of that.
Tell you what.
You go to the doctor right now, get your mayonnaise tested.
While you are doing that, I will find us the right girl.
Don't we have to go to the deposition? Oh.
(groans) You go.
That is boring compared to this.
This is a chance to create the ultimate human.
(laughs diabolically) Get out.
Go.
Oh Mmm That was really good Italian food tonight.
Ooh.
You know what was even better? I'm gonna say the sex we just had.
- Yep.
- Mmm.
Hey, I was thinking about it and I want to get to know each other better.
Outside of the, the sex.
Okay, yeah, let's do it.
Yeah.
Uh, all right.
Let me think of a question for you.
Um Ooh! Okay, here's one.
- Tell me about your childhood.
- Well, I don't know, I don't think we need to talk about that.
Oh, no, no, please, tell me.
I want to know, what was little Nathaniel's life like? Hmm? Well, um, okay, my parents are not super warm.
Um, I was kind of a lonely kid.
I didn't have any siblings.
I was good friends with the gardener, which is why I hablo español.
Oh, my God, I'm sorry.
I'm just picturing, like, little Nathaniel wandering around, little-little bow tie and knee socks like Prince George.
(chuckles) Okay, well, it wasn't so bad.
My mom and I, uh, we actually have a pretty good relationship.
Um my dad and I not so much.
Our relationship consists mainly of him glowering and me cowering.
Sometimes I wish we were closer.
You know? Or close at all.
Or like, knew each other.
Wow, I've, uh, I've never said that to anyone.
Really? I mean, I've talked to Esteban about it, but I've never had a girlfriend who, you know, wants to get to know me like you do.
Well, have you talked to your father about this? Have you told him you wish you were closer? You should tell him.
No, God, I could never.
He should know how sweet you are.
- Am I? - Yes.
Wow, it's crazy that you think that.
I just (sighs) I just wish there was some way for your father to know how wonderful you are.
PAULA: She's perfect.
Look.
Number 456H76.
I have been through this entire book and she is the only acceptable one.
College educated, doesn't smoke, left-handed That means creative.
When asked for their pastimes, she's the only one who did not mention the beach or her dog or going to the beach with her dog.
Also, no duck lips, no contouring, no fake eyelashes, no posing on a flamingo float.
She is the one.
I don't even have a second choice.
Oh, yeah, she looks nice.
She's got kind eyes.
Your welcome.
Yeah! Hello.
I would like to place an order for Mr.
Whitefeather.
We would like one egg from number 456H76, please.
What do you mean it's not available? So, you have it, but I can't have it? Do you have the egg or not? (yells): It's in the It's in the catalog.
(groans) It's unbelievable.
Apparently these women can just opt out of being donors whenever they want, even though their eggs are still in the vault.
Oh, it's so unfair, frustrating.
Coffee time George Time for George's coffee A little time just for George? He's gonna make himself a cup - He's gonna drink it up, he's - REBECCA: Psst.
Oh, hey, Rebecca.
How are you? It's good to see you.
Shut up.
Just meet me in the bathroom now.
Ladies', mens', what's happening? - (Rebecca sighs) - What are you doing? I mean, why are we sneaking around? Okay, listen.
Cool.
No one's here.
I don't work here anymore and I just can't deal with people right now, being like, âOh, how are you? Are you feeling better?â And, âI'm glad you're not deadâ" and, âIf you were so depressed, why didn't you lose weight?â (gasps) I don't think anybody would say that.
I like your very normal body.
I think it's brave.
Blech.
Okay.
Point is, I just can't deal with people right now.
But, I need you to do something for me.
I don't have access to the company database anymore and I need you to forward me Nathaniel Sr.
's calendar.
I'll tell you why.
I'm gonna accidentally on purpose Run into Nathaniel Sr.
So I can repair his relationship with Nathaniel.
He needs to know how wonderful and sweet and thoughtful Nathaniel is.
- My Nathaniel? - Yes, our Nathaniel! For instance, he always makes sure that I am taken care of first, if you get my drift, and his dad needs to know things like that.
Okay.
Yeah, no, I don't think this is a good idea.
Shut up! I'm sorry.
That was mean.
Shut up.
Just get me Nathaniel Sr.
's calendar.
I don't think that's a good idea.
It is an invasion of privacy, and I don't work for you.
Okay, you know what? I respect that.
It's just, if you don't do this, I will try to kill myself again, and this time, I'll succeed, and the note will blame you.
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Okay, so, come on, scurry and get it.
(snaps fingers) Otherwise, uh, uh (imitates rope pull, gunshot) Oh, my God.
I'm just (sighs) Joshua, darling, this is not great.
You haven't packed at all.
You're moving out, and this closet is still full of junk.
(sighs): Oh.
You know I need this whole room for my in-home daycare business.
This is the toddler room.
The muralist is coming on Monday.
(sighs) She's painting a wonderful dolphin scene.
Dolphins? Are you kidding?! You never let me have a dolphin mural, and I love dolphins.
They're the princes of the sea.
When I was a toddler, I just had walls.
Why are you making me move? I don't want to move.
But I need this room, sweetheart.
You know that.
And it will be so fun living with Hector and his mother.
She lives near Souplantation.
You love Souplantation.
I'm just going through a tough time.
Too much change.
I'm still on probation with Aloha, I had to quit Home Base after my zit explosion.
And I went through this really intense thing with Rebecca, who, come to find out, never really cared about me.
I'm in a lot of flux.
(whining): Flux! Josh, please.
Just pack the closet, my sweetheart.
(sighs) REBECCA: I think I can really bring Nathaniel and his dad closer together.
You know, bridge the gap between them, and I have such a great plan for doing that.
- Hmm.
I wonder about that.
- What? It feels like you're putting yourself out there again.
No, I'm being very mindful, like we talked about.
And I'm using the exact tools that we have all learned here in group therapy with my friends, Lana and Clarice and Bert - and Jo illson.
- Rick.
My name is Rick.
I tell you every week.
You full-on forgot his name.
Yes, I did, but Rick, I mean, doesn't even know my name, and he barely shows an interest in me.
If you ask me, your over-involvement in your dude's life is very problematic, Rebecca Nora Bunch.
- Oh - (laughs) - BERT: Snap.
- Didn't you tell us other stories about you trying to run into people? If you ask me, the whole thing sounds very âOâ" âOâ? Oh.
No, Lana, it's not O-bsessive.
I agree with L.
Seems âO.
â B-T O.
Can we just use real words? Is that so much to ask? BERT: Listen, Rebecca, I know how easy it is to get obsessed.
I also get intense about stuff.
I get very maniacally fixated on things, and that's why they thought that I was a paranoid schizophrenic, but they were obviously wrong.
I am borderline, and that's why I can't trust them or anyone else, because they're all out to get me! Bert, hey, hi.
Look at me.
Let's take a breath.
Were you saying that to him or me? 'Cause you were looking right at me.
I don't need to take a breath.
Bert does, - and Rebecca definitely does.
- How dare you.
I think we all need to take a deep breath.
(all inhaling deeply) (all exhaling) SHIN: That feels better.
- Lana didn't breathe.
- You can't make me.
Okay, everyone, I hear you.
I appreciate everyone's advice, and I am being present and taking it in.
And Lana, it's true, okay? I did spy on people in the past, and it was unhealthy, but this time, it's not that.
I'm doing something nice for someone that I care about.
Which is okay, right, Dr.
Shin? Doing nice things is fine.
Overextending yourself because you're idealizing someone is what I want you to keep an eye on.
Okay.
Okay, my eyes are on that.
My eyes are on me.
Ah.
Well, hello, number 456H76.
(Paula laughs) Oh, it's too easy.
Hi.
I'm Paula.
Do you have a second? - Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, excuse me, Miss, do you have any magazines with men in them? Sure.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
I I'd like to hang onto 'em both.
Oh, of course.
Whatever brings all your boys to the yard.
Oh, thank you.
That is really professional of you to say.
(laughs) GEORGE: What am I doing here? I got you his schedule.
I want out of this scam.
Well, sorry, but you're my driver and my wingman and co-conspirator and my suicide prevention buddy.
What don't you understand about this relationship? Put on these pants.
Just do it here right now.
Well, I can go to the bathroom.
There's no time, and don't worry.
I know what you got down there.
I've seen plenty of them in my day.
Well, I'm-I'm wearing underwear, so you wouldn't - Just put on the damn pants! - Okay.
Oh, well, no! What are we doing? Where are we even going? I'm so sad I don't have the ability to fire you right now.
Tell me, or I'm out.
Oh, really? 'Cause boop, boop, glug, glug, glug.
- âIt was George.
George made me do itâ - Then I'll do it, I'll do it.
REBECCA: Okay.
So, Nathaniel Sr.
Will be here any second, and when he gets here, I am going to walk over and just casually strike up a conversation about golf.
I stayed up all night watching old Masters Tournaments, yeah, memorizing stats.
Oh, here's one.
For instance, did you know that Arnold Palmer won 92 tournaments, and is not just a beverage? - (car door opens) - Oh, there he is.
There he is.
Okay.
Enjoy.
REBECCA: Okay, he's not really dressed for golf, but All right, so we're just gonna walk up to him and be like, âOh, I think âyou're Nathaniel Plimpton, Sr.
I'm kind of dating your son.
â All right.
Come on.
Oh.
Oh.
Wait.
He's walking the wrong way.
What? Where is he going? Ooh.
Hmm? - Who the hell is that? -(car door closes) Where is Nathaniel Sr.
going? I don't know.
It could be a drug deal or an affair.
Probably ride-sharing app.
All right, well, come on.
Let's follow him.
What now? Well, if something weird is going on, I have to get to the bottom of it.
I owe it to Nathaniel, so, let's go.
(sighing): Oh.
(sucks in through teeth) (sighs) Good-bye, baseball I caught at Dodger Stadium.
Good-bye, volleyball I caught at Redondo Beach.
(sniffs) Oh.
Good-bye, tissue from the cold I caught from the hot girl in algebra class.
(laughing) Oh, man! Oh! (laughs) Oh! I can't throw this out.
This has all my favorite karaoke tracks on it.
What? The batteries still work.
(laughs) (whirring) - (chiming) - âFirst Love!â Love this song.
(echoes): Hello.
Check, one, two, three.
- Oh.
- (upbeat melody plays) MAN: Tonight I'm looking back (laughs) I'm watching the pains flick across the flames Of a million memories You don't know me, but I have a confession to make.
Does it have anything to do with the fact - that you've been stalking me? - What? I've seen you skulking around the park for the past hour.
I'm flattered, but I'm into men.
Sorry.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no.
I I have to talk to you urgently.
So what is up with you taking your eggs off the donor site? I have a dear friend who really, really, really wants to make a baby with those eggs.
Okay, so this is not appropriate or legal.
So I'm just gonna reach for my phone and call the police.
Oh, no, no, no! What do you want? What do you want? Ooh! How about store credit at an off-price retailer? I just returned a tom-tom thingie that you can kind of sit on.
Okay, look, this is none of your business, and I'm sorry for your friend, but I'm not donating anymore.
I graduated, and I'm getting married, and I'm moving on.
But your picture is still there, and we fell in love with you.
And-and you already donated the egg! I mean, it's just sitting there on ice.
All-all you have to do is sign a release.
Please, please, please let us have the last one.
He needs it.
Oh! (groans) Mm! Oh, my God, I am so nervous.
What if my swimmers are no good? What if I can never again climb the sacred mountain of fatherhood? Are you, like, even listening? I got the yank bank on the horn.
- Oh, God.
- They're on line four.
Give 'em your cell, would ya? I don't like to vomit at work.
Thanks for the update.
This is Mr.
Whitefeather.
What? Yes? Oh, is it bad? Are they slow? Are they dead? Were there any? Uh-huh.
(upbeat rhythm plays) Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh Oh, God, this is gonna be gross.
My sperm is nice and healthy In terms of sperm, I'm wealthy I'm like Warren Buffett, I got so much of it That's what the doctors tell me My point is in a nutshell Each time I bust, I bust well I got the quantity and the quality No IUD is stopping me 'Cause my semen's steaming like a demon And all the surrogates be screaming Just give me some of that premium grade baby batter I never splatter My sperm, my sperm is no cause for concern My sperm is healthy, my sperm is healthy Aw, shucks, gee whiz I got the best sperm in the biz My sperm is healthy, my sperm is healthy My sperm is healthy.
Brad, you, too? Even though I'm no teenager My boys still throw a rager They get bottle service in every cervix Blowin' eggs up like a pager Every lady's gettin' fertilized Got a diaphragm? It's gettin' pulverized My sperm shines brighter than the sun So wear special glasses or avert your eyes Give thanks, my tank's not shooting blanks I'm in a league of my own just like Tom Hanks Not a castaway but I blast away That thing I do is inseminate you With my sperm, my sperm The tests have all confirmed His sperm is healthy His sperm is healthy Aw, shucks, gee whiz My sperm just aced the quiz My sperm is healthy My sperm is healthy My sperm is healthy.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
REBECCA: Well, they look very cozy.
Think we can rule out ride-share.
Not necessarily.
You know, I've actually had some of my best dates when I was paying by the mile.
Ugh, geez, I need a new sidekick.
You make me so sad.
(quietly): Okay.
Okay, who is that? Wow, that girl looks young enough to be his daughter.
Hey, old man.
She is his daughter.
That's his mistress and that's his daughter.
Oh, my God.
I mean, this is I just uncovered years of-of-of family secrets and pent-up anger and-and-and secrets.
Did I say secrets? I think I said secrets.
I mean, this is way better than the little bits of love I was gonna have to try to wring out of his dried-up old dad.
This is something so much better.
I-I-I got him a nice, juicy, wonderful, little sister.
Ah, I'm amazing.
I no, I don't think you're seeing this the way people are gonna see it.
MRS.
HERNANDEZ: You have to tell Darryl the donor said no.
I will get to it.
Will you ease up already, Fonzie? Topical reference.
Good one.
PAULA: Good night.
- MRS.
HERNANDEZ: Later.
- PAULA: See you.
Number 456H76.
What are you doing here? I thought about it.
- I'll do it.
- (gasps) I'll call the bank - and tell them to release my last egg.
- Oh, thank God! There's just one thing I want - which is to - Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
We can talk about details later, but right now, I am gonna run upstairs and tell Darryl it is on.
Thank you! Thank you so much! Mmm.
Mmm.
It is so cute how you do that.
- Eat food? - Yes.
Mm.
You know, I keep thinking about the sad thing that we were talking about the other day, about how you were lonely as a kid.
I just keep picturing you in footie pajamas, - sitting on Santa's lap - (chuckles) being all sad and lonely.
But when you were sitting on Santa's lap, like, what did you wish for? - Did you ask for a puppy or a kitty - Hmm.
Or a little brother or sister? - That's what you asked for, right? - Uh, no.
I mostly asked for treasury bonds.
Okay.
But, but if you had had a little brother or sister, that would've made you so happy, right? Yeah, I guess.
- Hmm, might've been fun.
- Yeah? - Let me get these out of the way.
- Okay.
(clears throat) (sighs) Now that you're mine I will take good care of you, ooh, ooh Baby Life wouldn't be worth Living As I do here Every day I love you in a precious way Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh Oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, no.
You're still doing karaoke videos? You've been up all night, sweetie.
You haven't even packed your closet.
I know, I'm just, I'm getting nostalgic.
The times in my life when I sang along to these songs I mean those moments are all gone.
(sighs) Okay, Josh.
I understand what you're going through.
Really, I do.
But it's time to have a little conversation.
JOSH: Oh.
(mic feedback whines) My son, my beautiful child You brought me joy You've made me smile But now that you're grown And you're a man Why are you still here? I don't understand It's time to get your ass out of my house I don't care where you go I just want you to know You've got to get your ass out of my house Seriously Why do you still live with me? Year after year You're always here So let me be clear I want you to disappear Just in case you had any doubt It's time to get your ass out Okay, I get it.
I should've packed up the closet.
You're right.
You're totally right.
I'm you don't have to keep singing.
My son, perhaps that was mean But I think you should know How frustrated I've been That Dad and I can't have sex Ew.
- As loud as we want - Uh So follow along with this highlighted font And please just Get your ass out of my house (mouths) - 'Cause I'm not in the mood - to keep on buying your food Good God, just get your ass out of my house My church friends think it's a shame They say my son is so lame What's up with the random rowboats? You can sleep in the park You can sleep on a bus You can live anywhere As long as it's not with us Thanks to your feet, this house smells like sauerkraut So, my dear child Get your ass out.
(mic feedback whines) Everyone, get used to speaking softly, hand-sanitizing constantly and never bringing uncut grapes to the office again.
There's gonna be a baby in here.
(giggles) My God, tell me everything.
Oh, Paula, I am so excited.
They're putting my hot sauce on the eggs this morning, and the surrogate is on call and as soon as the embryo starts to divide, they can implant it.
(laughs): Oh, that's so great.
(phone chimes) Would you excuse me for a minute? - Sure.
- Okay.
Hi.
What's this text about money? He already paid you.
Yeah, but not enough.
You left before I could finish the other day.
Yes, I gave you my egg, but I had terms.
You see, the way you approached me was a bit unorthodox and I would hate for the police to find out that you violated my anonymity and stalked me.
That would be a bummer.
- What? - So, I'd like to be paid in monthly installments for the rest of the baby's life.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
(laughs): Wait.
You're blackmailing me?! And you're a smoker.
Yeah.
But you checked âno smoking.
â Yeah.
Oh, my God, you're a horrible person.
I can't believe I picked you out of a catalog.
If you were a sweater, I would send you back, or at least put you in the front hall closet for six months while I intend to send you back.
Whatever.
You're stuck with me.
Your friend's making a baby with me right now.
No.
Not on my watch.
I am, I am stopping this right now.
WOMAN: Thank you for calling the San Fernando Egg Donor Center.
Hi.
Stop.
Hold the baby presses.
Just-just don't fertilize.
Don't do it.
Just keep - the huevos out of the rancheros.
- We're closed for the day.
Hello? Hello? Please leave your name and number after the beep and we will get back to you Wait.
H no.
During our normal business hours.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
So what are we doing here? Why are we meeting a client in his dump? I am so sorry.
I lied to you.
There is no client.
She made me do it.
I tried to stop her, but I-I couldn't.
It's Rebecca.
She is a train and you can't get off.
And you're trying to pull the brake, but the next thing you know, you're shoveling more coal into the engine.
I don't know how trains work.
I am so sorry that I hit your car.
Uh, but a dozen donuts is the least that I can do.
Ugh, I don't want a dozen donuts.
I want your insurance information.
I've been asking you for that for half an hour.
Rebecca.
What's-what's happening here? A surprise.
An impish ruse, but for the best of reasons.
Wait, what's going on here? Did you hit my car on purpose? NATHANIEL: Hold on.
Y-You hit her car? Yes, yes, yes, but for all the right reasons.
Nathaniel (sighs) meet your sister.
That's right, Nathaniel.
This is your sister, sired by your father and his secret whore.
I know this would be a shock at first.
WOMAN: Whoa, whoa.
Whore? And sister? What's happening? And Nathaniel, what are you even doing here? You don't eat donuts.
Uh (stammers) Sorry, you know him? - You know your secret sibling? - Okay, so, I'm gonna run away.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Yeah.
But how do you two know each other? Her mom was my dad's secretary for years, Janice.
Okay, right, and they're having an affair.
WOMAN (laughs): No.
My mom worked for Mr.
P.
Sr.
for 30 years, so he pays for my tuition and once in a while, we invite him over to lunch.
Wait (stammers) why all the secrecy? Why does he pretend to play golf? He has 150 employees.
You think he wants to pay hundreds of tuitions? Wait a minute.
How do you know he pretends to play golf? Um, uh Okay, I think we need to have a talk.
(sighs) Oh you did it, honey.
Don't you feel so much better? No, I feel terrible.
And you're being so mean lately.
Joshy, what's really going on with you? I don't know.
My whole life, I-I knew what I was gonna do, who I was gonna be.
Get a comfortable job, marry Valencia, see you guys every weekend, coach Little League, go to church, hang out with my friends, own a shave ice machine (sighs) But none of it makes sense anymore.
I don't want those things now.
I know, growing up is hard.
I've been trying to remember when it stopped making sense.
I I moved back from New York, I tried to settle back in, but things were not right between me and Valencia because I started spending time with Rebecca.
And that job at Aloha, Rebecca also got for me because she believed in me.
And then V and I split up, also because of Rebecca.
When you think about it, Rebecca's everywhere.
She changed me.
Made me think my life could be different.
I could be special.
My God, she ruined me.
I spent my whole life in flip-flops and she made me want closed-toed shoes.
I can't go back to my old life.
I-I got to find a new life! (snoring) - Hey, Mom! - (snorts) Oh.
Sorry.
Those are not real problems.
(scoffs) God, I hope it's a girl.
I want to name her Daphnila or Sefarine.
Yeah, not names.
What's the matter with you? Why aren't you more excited? This baby was Frankensteined by you.
Yeah, no, it is.
I-I-I know.
(scoffs) What? What's wrong? There are a couple of little details that I neglected to tell you.
- (phone rings) - Oh.
Oh.
Yes? Hello, Dr.
Ellerbe.
Yes? Yes! I'm gonna be a daddy?! Oh, God, no.
Oh, the fertilization didn't take.
Thank God! What? It didn't work? But Oh, no, no, no.
Darryl, number 456H76 was a blackmailing, secret smoking bitch.
And I know that because I tracked her down and I gave her all this blackmail leverage.
And I can't believe I did that.
Oh, God, I'm so out of practice.
So sloppy.
So nothing happened? There's no baby? Oh, no, honey.
Not this time.
But this is a good thing.
I promise.
And next time, we're gonna get somebody so much better.
Yeah.
Okay, in another year.
A year? Paula, it is really expensive to buy those huevos.
I can only do it, like, once a year.
Oh, my God.
(softly): I'm so sorry.
(sighs) Oh (sighs) I have to stop interfering in people's lives.
I do it when I'm unhappy, I do it when I'm happy, and either way, it never works out.
Uh, doy.
I deserve that.
So you said you wanted to talk, but you haven't said anything.
(clears throat) - I'm still processing.
- Okay.
Okay, that's healthy.
Um I will just, uh, I'll wait here and eat until you're ready.
- Thank you.
- Great.
(huffs under breath) Oh, God, just tell me.
Do you forgive me? Are you gonna forgive me? Please don't break up with me.
Just tell me, okay? Just rip the Band-Aid off.
Are you gonna break up with me? You're breaking up with me.
But are you? Are you gonna break up with me? Rebecca, what you did was absolutely It was over the top.
Inexcusable.
I-I know.
But you were trying to help.
Yes.
Yes, I was, I really was.
The thing is, you and I are really different.
But that's part of what I like about you.
And I feel closer to you than I have to basically anyone.
You make me feel like I could be a different kind of person, a person who expresses their feelings and-and cries at movies and makes eye contact with homeless people.
So you're gonna forgive me? Yeah, I think I will.
- (exhales) - But you have to promise never to do anything like that ever again.
I promise.
I swear.
Come here.
This table's really long.
I'm just gonna Very long.
I'm just gonna come over there.
Come on over.
I'm just gonna I'm just gonna scoot over here.
Oh, hi.
REBECCA: Whew! So whew! I got away with it.
(laughs) - Mm-hmm.
- That was the wrong choice of words.
I mean, we worked it out.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, I hear you.
And what I did was not the best idea.
Mm-hmm.
But it came from caring and affection.
It wasn't about obsession.
No, what I did was selfless and kind.
It was too kind.
- Rebecca - I like this guy, okay? I like him a lot.
I like him so much and I want to be with him.
So, what, I can never have a great relationship because I have borderline personality disorder, is that what you're saying? Not at all.
But doesn't it feel like you're repeating some old patterns? Your patterns with Josh, perhaps? Uh, J-J-Josh? No, no, no.
No, no, no.
The way I am with Nathaniel is nothing like the way I was with Josh.
I just want to make Nathaniel a better person, and I want to make him happy all the time and I want to get to know everything about him and I want to get to know everyone in his life and I want to have that feeling that you get when you really get to know someone and it feels like glitter is exploding inside of you.
Ah Oh Mm-hmm.
Okay.
I've been thinking about ways to raise money.
Here they are, rapid-fire: Bake sale, car wash, lap dances in the office Here me out.
Not a lot of people know this, but Mrs.
Hernandez has a rack on her What the hell happened in here? I sold it.
I sold all of it.
(gasps) Jackalope I know.
I know.
People wanted to buy that junk? Most of it, no.
I mean, I did have one piece of turquoise that turned out to be real.
(gasps) And then the rest I just sold to stupid hipsters at the Melrose flea market.
I want to try again right away; I don't want to wait.
I am ready for this baby.
Well, that's great, Darryl.
And I promise, this time I will stay out of it.
Oh, no, please don't.
Me and Tasmyline we need you, Auntie Paula.
Auntie Paula? Oh (laughs) - Oh, I like the way that sounds.
- I know.
Me, too.
But I don't like the way Tasmyline sounds, so that is a hard, hard no on that.
What about Shatonka? Uh It means âlady truck.
â (birds singing) REBECCA: I ran into Josh.
He made me feel warm inside, like glitter was exploding inside me.
(knocking at door) Hey.
Hey Can I talk to you for a second? (exhales) Okay.
Sure, come on in.
I, um (clears throat) uh, came over to see you because there's something I never said.
Oh, God, Josh Look, if you're here to say sorry, there's really no need.
Like it's fine, stuff happens.
No, not sorry.
Thank you.
Wh What? Before I met you, I set the bar so low for myself.
But you freed me from that.
Whatever my future holds, it's different from what I planned and (sighs) that's because of you.
Wow.
Now I'm, uh, learning to break out of my patterns.
Well, Josh, thank you for coming here and saying all these things.
This must have been hard.
It was.
And, um, you know, the truth is, I'm a bit of a coward.
And I'm not great at doing the hard thing, even when I know it's right.
God, doing the right thing, is there anything worse? But (exhales loudly) there comes a time when (clicks tongue) it's what you have to.
Hey, Josh, not to be rude, but there's something I need to do, so can you get your ass out of my house? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Thanks.
(sighs) (knocking at door) - Hi.
- Hi.
Rebecca, what's wrong? Nathaniel, I, uh I have to do something I've never done before.
What? (clears throat, exhales)