Dad's Army (1968) s03e08 Episode Script

Listen, Jonesy, I'll bring the van round to the back of your shop after dark.
Load the meat onto the van.
We'll take it to this mate of mine.
- Don't look like that.
He'll see you all right.
- I've told you.
I'm having nothing to do with the black market.
Oi! What black market? He owns a Chinese restaurant.
Yellow market.
I want nothing to do with it.
Sergeant, why aren't the men fallen in? - Possibly because I haven't told them to, sir.
- Well, tell them.
All right, pay attention, chaps.
Would you mind falling in in three ranks? Quick as you can.
No time to lose.
Come on.
Right, now.
Platoon! Platoon'shun! That wasn't awfully good, was it? Platoon, stand at ease! Jonesy, could you manage to do it at the same time as the others? - I'm sorry, Sergeant.
- It looks so slovenly.
- I'm sorry, Sergeant.
I'm sorry.
- Is it the way I give the word of command? No, Mr Wilson.
You give a lovely word of command.
If I may say so, a little bit refined.
The sergeants I'm used to drilling under barked it out, them being of a savage nature.
Bark it out and you will not find me lacking.
You don't want a sergeant.
You want an Alsatian.
- Stop bickering.
Perhaps if I shout louder - Oh, just get on with it! Pay attention, now.
Platoon! Platoon'shun! - Remarkable.
Don't you think so, sir? - Yes.
I've only one slight criticism to make.
The rest of the platoon is standing to attention and Jones is standing at ease.
So he is.
Jonesy, do you think you could possibly manage to get your legs together? ''Get your legs together''? You're a sergeant, not a headmistress of a girls' school.
Platoon, 'shun! Marvellous, sir.
The only slight criticism that I have is that the rest of the squad appears to me to be kind of All right, all right, all right.
Stand to attention, the rest of you.
- Very smart, Jones.
- Sir.
I've got some kidneys for Mrs Mainwaring.
Don't talk on parade, Corporal.
Just put them in the office after the inspection.
What's? What's in your pockets, Walker? A pound of granulated and a pound of sultanas.
You really must check this sort of thing.
Disgraceful, Walker.
If you do that again, you'll have to throw it in the bin.
Makes no odds to me.
You've paid for 'em.
Well, it wasn't for me, sir.
It was for Mrs Pike.
- Godfrey.
- Can I be of assistance, sir? Look to your front.
And don't wear your hat straight on your head like that.
You look like George Formby.
I'm sorry, sir.
Oh, would you mind holding that, sir? - Is that better, sir? - What's this? I get a twinge of gout during the damp spells.
Fortunately only in one foot.
You can't come on parade looking like that! All right, stand at ease, everybody.
Pay attention.
It's clear that this platoon is getting very lax in the matter of appearance and discipline.
This is borne out by a signal from the CO.
He came here yesterday and did not receive one single salute.
Furthermore, a certain lance corporal had his hands deep in his trouser pockets.
Permission to confess, sir? - Yes? - I was that certain lance corporal.
I'm surprised.
I find you most punctilious about saluting.
Sir, it was just forgetfulness.
Forgetfulness? You forgot what an officer looks like? No, I'd forgotten my braces, sir.
I kept my hands in my pockets because if I raised them to salute, the result might seem unseemly.
I see.
For five minutes, we're going to do some saluting.
You can give the orders, Jones.
And remember, it's the longest way up.
One.
Shortest way down.
Two.
Pay particular attention to this point.
Palm to the front.
Index finger in line with the right eyebrow.
Thus.
Right? Carry on.
Squad, 'shun! Move to the left.
Left face! - Squad, hup! - Longest way up.
One.
- Squad, hoop! - Shortest way down.
Two.
- Squad, hup! - Longest way up.
One.
I say! Well, erbless you.
That's rather taken the wind out of my sails.
I came in here to be very cross with you.
Someone has written something very rude on the back of my spare harmonium.
Really? How does that concern my platoon? It's in the tower room.
They sleep in there when on watch.
Oh, no, no, no.
My men wouldn't do a thing like that.
Well, they have.
Come and see for yourself.
Come with me, Wilson.
Carry on saluting, Corporal.
- Very good, sir.
Squad, hoop! - Shortest way down.
Two.
- Squad, hup! - Longest way up.
One.
- Squad, hoop! - Shortest way down.
Two.
- Hurry up, Wilson! - Coming, sir! Not in very good condition, areare you? What have you got to say to that? Oh.
Well, my men don't do that sort of thing, and I'm jolly well going to prove it.
- Wilson! - Just with you, sir.
(COUGH) Oh, God.
My goodness, sir, it's an awfully long way up.
Yes.
Run down again and get Jones's section up here.
- Not all the way down there again, sir? - Yes, quickly, please.
- Can I go home then? - No.
I want you up here as a witness.
You can dismiss the rest of the men.
- Now, where's the instrument? - I beg your pardon? - Where's the instrument that the culprit used? - Oh, here.
It's a wax crayon.
It won't rub out.
We'd better try again.
Squad, hup! - Longest way up.
One.
- Wait a minute, lads.
As you were.
When you stick it up in line with the eyebrows, give it a little wiggle at the top, like this.
Wiggle, wiggle.
There you go.
Right.
Squad, hup! Longest way up.
One.
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.
All right, Jonesy, all right.
Jonesy, that's enough of that.
Just get yoursection Get your section together.
Single file.
At the double, up to the top of the tower.
The rest of them, send home.
You heard what the officer said.
My section, at the double! Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right Come along! I want to dispose of this matter.
Mainwaring, I don't see the point in having the whole platoon come pounding in here.
Look, I'm not having a slur like that hanging over my troops.
My men will copy that.
Compare the handwriting.
I am here to look after the spiritual needs of my parish, not to play Inspector Hornleigh.
- Where's the Sergeant? - Down the bottom.
He's breathless.
I see.
Well, now, I've brought you men up here because you were the last on duty up here.
Now, Corporal Jones, you see that word? - Yes, sir.
- Have you done that? Do you mean recently, sir? Did you write that? Mr Mainwaring, I never thought you could think I was capable of such improper conduct.
Now, there's nothing personal about this.
Take that crayon and copy those letters underneath.
- What, now? - Now.
- In front of the public? - In front of the public.
- In front of the padre? - Oh, get on with it! - It's no good, sir.
I can't.
- It's an order.
Perhaps he'd rather do one of his limericks.
- There was a young lady called Vickers - Here, shut up! I told you that in confidence.
- All right! Go on.
- All right, sir.
- Ah.
That clears you, Jones.
- I want you to know I did not enjoy that.
- Neither did I.
- You're next, Walker.
- My mum wouldn't like that, Mr Mainwaring.
- Come on, come on! Shall I sign it? - I don't see any similarity.
Vicar? - Don't drag me into it.
Pike, you're next.
- What does it mean, Mr Mainwaring? - All in good time, boy.
- Permission to speak, sir? - Not now, Jones.
Carry on.
Has it occurred to you that somebody has got to remove all this? - Permission to interrupt, sir? - Not at the moment, Jones.
Frazer next.
I'm refusing tae obey.
- Did I hear you right? - Ye did, sir.
He that toucheth pitch shall be defiled.
- Permission to report the verger is outside? - Five minutes late.
No, he's outside the window.
He's going side to side and up and down.
- Verger! - My sainted aunt! - What's he doing outside the window? - I told him to clean the window.
- Good heavens! It's a barrage balloon.
- A what? He's caught on the cable of a barrage balloon.
- Captain Mainwaring, I'm back.
- Follow me down! - Oh, my God! - Don't panic, Mr Wilson! Don't panic! Help! Excuse me, Mr Yeatman.
If you could manage to hang on, I'll try and summon assistance.
Mr Mainwaring! Oh, Mr Mainwaring, the verger has been taken from us.
Don't worry.
We'll soon have him under control.
I'm very glad you're here.
sir.
Something rather odd has happened to the Verger.
- Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring! - I'm not panicking.
I'm working out what to do.
- Vicar, I heard a voice from above.
- Yes, very distressing, Miss Godfrey.
- I thought it was an angel from on high.
- Well, you would.
And then he cried out unto me, ''Help.
I'm caught in this ruddy string.
'' Come on, all of you.
Grab this cable and heave.
Come on, Godfrey.
- Would you hold this? - Throw it away! - Don't panic, anyone.
- (VERGER) You'd better panic.
It's killing me.
Hold on, Verger! Help is at hand.
- Right, heave.
- Oi! Hey, hey, hey! Hang on.
- It's twisted around that weathercock thing.
- So it is.
- Sergeant Wilson! - Coming, sir! - Run up the tower and climb up the steeple.
- Oh, my God! There's no time for all that palaver.
One good heave will bring it away.
Come on.
Heave! - Oh, that's done it.
- Look out, Vicar! - Oh, Vicar, is this a judgement on us? - Speak for yourself! I haven't done anything.
Right, here he comes.
Steady does it.
Grab him.
- That's it.
- There you are, Verger.
Undo him, Walker.
Hang on, the rest of you.
- You're all flushed.
- There we are.
- How did it happen? - I saw this cable wrapped round a lamp post.
Let that be a lesson to you not to touch things that don't concern you.
You're a troublemaker.
- Jones! - What are we gonna do? - Hang on while we think what to do.
- Perhaps if we all let go, it might float away.
No! If this cable touches high-tension wires, it could black out a whole county.
We cannae hang on for the rest of our lives.
If we brought it down, we could grab the ropes attached to the balloon.
- Ah, that's a good idea.
Heave.
- I've got a good idea.
If we brought it down, we could grab hold of the things attached to the balloon itself.
Thank you, Corporal.
Right, one, two, three - Heave! - One more.
Heave! Heave! Heave Right, grab a rope, Pike! - Walker! - Right, sir! Jones.
- I'm going to grab one of these.
- Well done.
- Who's in charge? - Who are you knocking about? - Where's Mainwaring? - He's piggy in the middle.
- What sort of game are you playing? - I'll have you suspended.
Don't mutter threats.
Get that thing shifted.
You should never have brought it here.
Look, this is a runaway barrage balloon.
We're trying to prevent further damage.
Well, get on the phone to the RAF, then, instead of hanging on like Winnie-the-Pooh.
- That's what I aim to do.
- Hurry up.
- Come along, Wilson.
- Hey! Hey! Vicar, grab a rope while we phone for help.
- Come along, Mr Yeatman.
- No, Vicar.
I'm not going up again.
Don't worry.
Lightning never strikes twice.
It does in our family.
I was one of twins.
Hold steady.
We'll go and phone for help.
Excuse me, sir.
Before you go, do you think I might be excused? - Don't be ridiculous.
Come on, Wilson.
- Hey! If you think I'm hanging on here, you're mistaken.
Just pretend you're the Statue of Liberty.
It's a military matter.
My duty is to see that he phones properly.
Miss Godfrey, hold this.
- Get hold of it.
- That's no good.
There's not much meat on her.
- Don't worry.
She's got big bones.
- Be brave.
Remember Joan of Arc.
- Wilson! - Sir? - Double round and get the platoon.
Hurry! - Oh, my God! Hello? (BUZZ) - Hello? - Operations.
Captain Mainwaring, Walmington-on-Sea Home Guard.
We've captured a runaway balloon.
Just a moment.
Anyone lost a balloon? There's one adrift from E Sector, Balloon Amy.
- Will you speak? - Not now.
There are bandits coming in.
- Take the details, notify Barrage Commander.
- Very good, sir.
Address, please? - Church Hall, Walmington-on-Sea.
- Is the balloon attached to anything? Not now, it isn't.
It was wrapped round a verger.
- On her way to choir practice, was she? - We can't have all this rubbish.
Give me that.
- The point is, is it dangerous? - Not unless it catches fire.
Catches fire? It can catch fire! Don't let anyone smoke near it.
We'll be round before nightfall.
- Before nightfall?! - Give it to me.
My men can't hold on that long.
- Tie it to something.
- What to? Give me that! They're not tying it to anything.
It must be shifted, and that's final.
- Perhaps the ARP people could help you.
- That's a good idea.
Get the ARP people.
I am the ARP people! - Bandits 18.
Scramble 7! - Sorry, I have to go now.
We'll send help soon.
She's rung off.
You're in charge and this is your responsibility.
- That thing must be shifted, and sharp.
- Oh, I'm quite capable of dealing with this.
- I don't know how we can hang on any longer.
- Pay attention! I've got a few words to say.
Surely tae God he's not gonnae make a speech.
- The RAF is coming to our assistance.
- He is.
But, naturally, they're very busy.
Hitler is still poised across the Channel.
Not one of our chaps can relax his vigilance.
Oi, oi, oi! I'm not listening to you making a speech.
Get it shifted.
Oi, hang on.
Listen, why don't we walk this into Pinner Fields and tie it to a tree? The first sensible thing anybody's said.
- Why didn't YOU think of that? - I was just about to suggest it.
I've got a good idea.
Why don't I fetch my lorry? And then we can tie the balloon to it, and that will prevent it being wafted away by an unpleasant breeze.
Here's another idea, sir.
We could walk it into Pinner Woods and tie it to a tree.
I'll take your place.
You go and get the van.
Very good, sir.
I shall return here at six o'clock hours.
Vicar, I think, if I were you, I should cancel the confirmation class today.
Amy, wonderful Amy How can you blame me for loving you? Since you've won the praise of every nation Amy, wonderful Amy Mark time! Platoonhalt! Excellent mooring place, men.
Hold it down your end, men! I'll secure the cable.
Let go your end, Jones! All clear this end, sir.
Right, gather round the tree and raise it.
- I'll turn it round the trunk for safety.
- Right, sir.
Jump to it! Hup! Don't panic, Mr Mainwaring! Don't panic! A fine mess you've made of this, haven't you? Don't just stand there gawping! Do something! - You've got a van.
- Yes.
- Come on.
- Lads, into the van.
Come on! The van don't fly.
Quick, Jonesy! Follow that balloon! Ruddy 'ooligans! Help! Useless thing! Hey! Hey! Wait for me! Here, you! Come on, get off that.
I'm commandeering it.
Come on, off! - Can you see it, Mr Wilson? - Seems to be getting higher.
- He'll go up each time he encounters hot air.
- Huh! He's never been short o' that.
Right, I've got that.
Unidentified object in C Sector, sir.
- Where did that come from? - Perhaps it sneaked in at wave level.
Scramble 7 Squadron.
Help! Get me down! Ohhhhhhh The wind's got him! Mr Mainwaring! Mr Mainwaring! Too late! He's above the cabin.
I can't see him.
- Use the observation drill, Joe.
- Right-oh.
Come on, Taffy.
Ready, two, three.
Open, two, three.
Up, two, three.
Get me down! Blimey! You'd better turn around, Jonesy.
The wind's changing.
This is ridiculous! We cannae go back and forward like this all our lives.
I know, Mr Wilson.
We must shoot holes in it, and that will evacuate its gases.
- Do you think that's wise? - We've got to do something.
All right.
Well, do try and take aim carefully.
- Even your lot couldn't miss a barrage balloon.
- But can they miss Captain Mainwaring? Keep her steady, Jonesy! Have a go, Pike.
- (GUNSHOT) - What are you doing, you idiots?! Must be all right.
He's still kicking.
Give him three rounds each.
- I won't, if you don't mind.
- You fix your bayonet in case he comes in low.
Ruddy 'ooligans! What do you think you're playing at? Cowboys and Indians? Whatever it is, it's moved to 8 now.
Charlie leader here.
I've spotted it.
It's a ruddy balloon.
Wait a minute.
There's a little fat round thing on the other end.
Tally-hoI - He's coming lower.
- He'd better come down fast.
In this wind, he'll finish up in Belgium.
Oi! You! Off! I'm commandeering this.
Go on! Right, drive off.
- He's getting lower.
- Try and catch him before he gets to the bend.
It's no good, Wilsy.
He's gone across the field now.
Oh, no! Ohhhhhhhhhh Oh, Fred! Oh, that was wonderful! It was like the whole world shook! He's going towards Exmouth.
Take the first on the right.
It's a short cut and it's a such a pretty walk in summer.
Look out! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh - 'Ere, can't you go any faster, Jonesy? - What do you mean? We're doing 20 now.
Come on! You'd go quicker than that if you had a big ugly Nazi behind you.
Well, you're not exactly Ronald Colman, you know.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! There's the balloon, on the bridge.
Get me out of here! - (WHISTLE) - Blimey! A train! Mr Mainwaring, spread your legs! - Give him some air.
- Burn a feather under his nose.
All right.
I'm all right.
- Only a few scratches.
Where's the balloon? - Everything's under control.
- Well done, you chaps.
- Platoonhup! You ruddy 'ooligans! You've done it again! Quick! Get into the van! Follow that balloon!