Deadbeat (2014) s03e08 Episode Script

1 Oh, man, I'm fucking starving.
Ugh, I know, man.
Orgies always make me ravenous.
Oh, shit, that's right.
How'd that go? It was, uh - it would've been good.
- Oh.
- No, no, no! - What the fuck? Take care with that, you peons! That's a priceless family heirloom! [chuckles.]
You there.
You can see me, can't you? - Hey, what's up? - Huh? Sir? Sir! If you have to take a shit so bad, why didn't you just use the Starbucks back there? Ah, they got cold seats.
I don't like it.
You could've used the Sbarro, but they have that weird token system, right? Please, sir, I demand that you halt! Let's just hurry up.
Come on.
- The lines are always long.
- I have a meaty proposition for you.
Oh, man! This burger is so fucking delicious.
My mouth is watering while I'm eating it.
I didn't know that was possible.
- Why aren't you eating?! - I don't know.
I want to so bad.
[chuckles.]
I know why.
Because you're in the presence of Beatrix II, Duchess of Stoubridge.
So the only thing you're hungry for - No.
- are my sweet juices.
Oh, God.
Okay, Clyde, a ghost followed us home.
I'm sorry.
I've been hiding it from you.
I had been trying to ignore her like Danny Poker would, but she's fully naked and it is very, very hard to look away.
There's a naked ghost in this apartment right now? Yeah.
- How naked is she? - She's the kind of naked that leaves absolutely nothing to the imagination, but you kind of wish that some parts were covered so you could imagine them instead.
That's so fucking hot.
Mm, you're so round and pale.
That's very nice.
Um, would you mind getting up because, uh, you're smothering my fries - with your royal buttress.
- Oh! No! - Uh, please stay there! - Don't.
Clyde.
- No, Clyde, don't! Ugh.
- [giggling.]
No, Clyde! Oh, don't did you just rub it in her puss? It definitely adds something - different.
- Oh, my God, Clyde.
You're making this so much harder than it has to be.
Okay, you know what? Why don't you just tell me - what it is you want? - Mm, I like a lord - who really gets down to it.
- Great.
Well, you see, I was having my portrait done by a very fine painter.
But when he showed it to me, it was so dreadful! - It looked nothing like me! - Mm-hmm.
I was so taken aback that I choked on the handful of figs I was eating.
- Did you? - I need someone to fix this monstrosity before anyone else lays eyes on it.
Mm-hmm, okay, great.
Do you have any idea where this painting is? Smotherbee's.
It's being auctioned off today.
55 and 60.
Anyone, 60? I have 60.
And sold to the gentleman with the off-putting facial hair.
[clears throat.]
Next up, the Duchess of Stoubridge, a 16th-century portrait Wait till you see this monstrosity.
It's appalling.
No resemblance whatsoever.
With this portrait that upon her first viewing she choked to death on a handful of figs.
Are you serious? You must be jesting.
It's a nightmare! Look under my face! I gotta say, it's, uh it's pretty spot-on.
- One chin? - Yeah.
One chin? What am I, a fucking peasant?! Okay.
All right, shut up.
I'll fix it.
- Is that her? - Yeah.
Now can you see why I have a hard time eating around her? Yeah.
It's hard to eat with a diamond-hard boner.
And we'll start the bidding at 50,000.
I have 50,000.
- Do I hear 60? - Fuck me.
- 65? - As you wish, my lord.
- No.
- Ride me hard and put me away wet.
You're such a pervert! No! I meant how the fuck am I gonna pay for that? Are you not royalty? Well, I have the bank account of a somebody from your time who ate garbage probably.
I have 75.
Do I hear 80? I have 80 from one foot in the grave.
Do I hear 90? I have 90 from the gentleman Uh fashionably late to the argyle party.
100 from one foot in the grave.
- Do I hear 110? - What I don't Going once, going twice, - and sold for 100,000 - Shit! To a man who will barely enjoy it before he dies.
Great, what the fuck am I gonna do now? Here.
Let me get your creative juices flowing.
No.
Ugh.
- Mm.
- Oh, shit, stop.
Does that give you any big ideas? No, just nausea.
- Really? - Yeah.
That's odd.
In my experience, there's nothing a face full of fruit can't solve.
[knocking on door.]
Hey, how you doing, sir? I'm Jack Slenderson with Smotherbee's.
We just want to congratulate you on your winning bid this afternoon, and as a token of our appreciation, wanted you to have this extremely large edible arrangement.
- Well, thank you.
- Does the foyer work? Yeah.
[exhales.]
Ah.
[inhales.]
Mm.
[door closes.]
What the fuck? Holy shit, a cat burglar.
Oh, fuck this shit.
Damn it! It's the fruit.
It was the fruit! I was aiming at your face.
What is that? What are you Whoa, what's that? All right, you done? Listen to me, buddy.
Hey! There's only one exit out of here and it's behind me.
So I'm gonna give you to the count of three to give me that fucking painting back, you piece of shit.
One, two I can't tell your ethnicity.
Maybe you need me to count in Spanish.
Uno, dos [coughing.]
Whoa.
Disappear without a tres.
- Mm! - Hey, how'd it go? Really bad.
I got into a dogfight with a cat burglar.
And, what, he ate all the fruit off your body? No, Clyde, I'm telling you I got robbed.
You just let a guy steal the painting like a bitch? Like, there was no scuffle or anything? Did you just call me a bitch? I didn't fucking hand it over like a bitch.
There was a big scuffle.
I threw some shit at him really hard.
- Nice.
- Yeah! Dirtied up his shoe real good.
- Oh.
- Yeah, he was pretty pissed while he was wiping off his shoe with that stupid gargoyle hanky.
- What's a gargoyle hanky? - It's a gargoyle a hanky.
You know, you pull it out of your pocket, blow your nose in it, fold over a corner, - put it back in.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it had a winged demon on it or? No, it's got what's that pattern called where it makes me horny and dizzy? - Argyle.
- Gargyle, Gargyle! - Gargyle.
- No, no, an argyle handkerchief is what you're talking about.
Oh! Like the guy - from the auction.
- You're talking about - the hat tipper? - Yeah.
Holy shit, do you think he was mad 'cause he didn't win the auction? - Maybe.
- Fuck.
Or maybe he never wanted to win.
What are we having for dinner? Fuck.
Maybe he was bumping up the bid to increase the market value of the painting - before he stole it.
- Shit.
That sounds pretty smart.
It also explains why he felt so confident doing that gay hat tip.
Okay, so how do we catch an art thief? We just need the right kind of bait.
- [clears throat.]
- And sold the couple who have not gone down on each other in a decade Beg pardon.
Beg pardon.
Beg pardon.
Beg pardon.
[clears throat.]
- Oh, what a magnificent jacket.
- Good day, ma'am.
Wow, is that retriever? May I caress it again? Again.
Remember, we don't bid until he does.
- Okay? - Yeah.
And we'll open the bidding at 150,000.
I have 150.
Do I hear 200? I have 200.
Can I get 225? Present! Ahem, present! I have 225 for the penguin brothers.
Can I get 250? 250! 300? 350? 450.
500.
500 to you, sir.
No? Sir, you're bidding against yourself.
Going once, going twice, and sold to the gentlemen who appear to be in disguise.
- Oh.
- Who? [guffawing.]
So with tax, your total comes to $670,000.
Cash or credit? [clears throat.]
Well, the dilemma I'm coming up against is, uh, I only seem to have a couple hundred thousand on me in my wallet.
- Do you take credit? - Of course.
- If I could just get that card.
- Indubitably.
- No! - [machine beeps.]
- [beeps.]
- Our system seems to be down at the moment.
Well, if that's not a kick in the undercarriage, - I don't know what is.
- Do you take checks? Oh, we're not supposed to take checks.
Oh, biscuits! We're supposed to be on the yacht by 4:00! Yeah, yeah, you see, we're vacationing somewhere very, very wealthy, very exotic over the next few days.
Oh, sounds lovely.
- Where? - Uh, the Chiquita Islands.
[gasps.]
Mm! - Beautiful.
- All right.
I'll tell you what.
I'm going to make an exception for you guys because you're clearly the real deal.
- Clearly.
- Wonderful.
- Thank you.
- Thank you very much, very much.
- Check, one, two.
- [walkie-talkie beeps.]
Check, check.
That is affirmative.
Go for Pac.
- [walkie-talkie beeps.]
- Copy that.
Should we double-check? I think we should double-check.
All right.
All set for the double check.
Check, check, check.
Check one.
Check two.
Check, check one.
- Check Pac, can you hear - [overlapping dialogue.]
Take your finger off the button, 'cause if you've got your finger on the button, I can't hear you.
Here he comes.
We got you now, dipshit! Oh, do you? Don't let him get away! - Don't let him get away! - [grunts, coughing.]
Wait, wait! Damn it! I've been fighting you the whole time? Oh, shit! How the fuck did he get away? - Can't breathe! - Holy shit, we got him.
[groans.]
Mm, well [chuckles.]
Why don't we pull back the layers here and see what we're dealing with? Pac, it's the hat tip guy.
What the Clyde, what the fuck are you doing? Why why did you you ruined the reveal.
We're pretty sure we know who it is.
It doesn't matter! It was gonna be cool, man.
I was gonna rip the thing.
We were gonna both be like, "It's the hat tipper.
" - Go ahead.
- Oh, you want me to do it now? If it means that much to you, go ahead! - Here we go, look.
- [grunting.]
Oh, it's the hat tipper guy.
Big anticlimactic moment now.
Thank you very much, Clyde.
We literally had one suspect.
It doesn't matter! It was gonna be like a big, you know! - It was! - I don't wanna I don't wanna do this right now, not in front of him.
- Fine.
- You're embarrassing me in front of the burglar.
Let's just figure out who he is.
Who the fuck are you, fuck face? The name is Janus.
Hugh Janus.
[snickering.]
What's so funny? Your name is Huge Anus? Huge Anus? It's a very popular name in England.
There's practically a Hugh Janus on every block.
I've been in positions worse than this a thousand times over and I've always lived to tell the tale.
Oh, have you, Huge Anus? [laughs.]
- Oh! - Listen, you need to tell us exactly where the painting of that duchess is - or else - Or else what? - Huh? - Did you hear how he asked me, - "Or else what?" - Yeah, I did.
So how should I respond? What were you gonna say before he cut you off? I actually had no plan.
I don't know.
You didn't go with another plan? It was a threat.
Yeah, but you can't make an empty threat - to a burglar.
- It's something people say.
I didn't expect that I was actually gonna I understand, but this is a dangerous man - Oh! - Oh, shit, Clyde! Oh! Fucking nice try, buddy.
You're gonna kick someone in the nuts, you better make sure it f oh, there it is.
- [grunting.]
- Oh, it was on a delay! [groaning.]
Oh, God.
[canvas rips.]
Ah, bollocks! [whimpers.]
Ah! Oh, it's okay.
I can fix this.
All I need is some some glue and a new painting.
Canvas King? I can't believe it.
Yeah, the deals at Framing Captain - are way better.
- No, you moron! - It's a fake! - No, it's not.
- I can see it right here.
- It's a beautiful piece.
- I think it - Yeah, it's nice.
Another fake.
Fake, fake, fake.
They're all fakes! [panting.]
I'm gonna hyperventilate.
- I'm hyperventilating.
- No, no, no, wait.
Here, here, here, breathe through this.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Take it slow and deep.
Huh.
Oh, sorry.
That must've been a huffer's bag.
Holy shit.
That means we have no idea where the real painting is.
Oh, my God.
My blood sugar is dangerously low.
- They're gonna kill me.
- The huffers? No, no, no, they left the bag.
- That's on them.
- The sheik.
Are are you saying sheet? - Sheik! - Sheet? The Saudi sheik! I've already sold him all these paintings.
He's sending his henchman tomorrow to pick them up.
I'm gonna get killed because the auction house is selling fake art.
No.
No, the art at Smotherbee's is real.
The ghost wouldn't haunt a fake painting.
Which one of us just huffed paint? Oh, no, no, no.
He can talk to ghosts.
- Did we not cover that? Yeah.
- We have a whole business and a website and everything.
You should check it out.
- We got some deals.
- Daily specials.
There must be a swap happening at the auction house.
Listen up, - we'll need to - Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What do you mean "we'll"? - Yeah.
You just Beckhamed my balls in there, man.
Yeah, why would we work with you? Look, trust me, I don't wanna work with you inbreds either.
- Pfft.
- Unfortunately, this is a job that requires more than one set of eyes.
Ugh, fuck it, man.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I make bad decisions on an empty stomach.
- Is that a granola bar? - Yeah.
Can I have this? Ha! Save some hunger to munch the royal box, my savior.
Yeah, I'm all in.
Let me walk you through this nice and slow.
I'll be surveying the auction from the back row, waiting for something valuable to go up for bid.
Now lot number 195.
And we'll start the bidding at 400,000.
$400.
I have 400.
- 425? - You two will be stationed outside, posing as illiterate plumbers.
If the art goes out the back, you guys tail it.
And sold to the woman with the real fur and the fake cheekbones.
Normally, I follow the buyer, but this time, I'll follow the art.
If we can keep an eye on the original artwork, it should lead us directly to where the other originals are being stored.
[walkie-talkie feedback.]
Check, check, check.
I wanna do a double check on the walkies.
- Go.
- Stop doing walkie checks.
The walkies work fucking fine.
Uh, that's because we do walkie checks, Hugh.
Ooh, walkie burn.
Gents, there are now two pieces of artwork coming your way.
Well, which one's real? I don't know.
Wow, you really shit the bed on that one, huh, Huge Anus? [laughing.]
Just shut the fuck up and follow them both.
It doesn't get old.
Oh.
Shit! They're getting in two separate vans.
You thinking what I'm thinking? A, B, C A, B, C - Yeah - A, B, C - [singing in Chinese.]
- A, B, C - [singing in Chinese.]
- A, B, C Oh, shit! No, that's not what I was thinking at all.
All right.
Fuck it, let's go.
Ha! A, B, C - [singing in Chinese.]
- A, B, C - [singing in Chinese.]
- A, B.
Are you chaps following those vans? Oh, shit.
I think mine's going to JFK.
You're headed for the airport? That must be the one.
Overseas black market, I imagine.
Be careful.
Your life depends on your stealth.
You're dealing with people who might just rip off your penis - to prove a point.
- Nope, scratch that.
Pulling into an Olive Patches.
What is that? It's a delicious Italian experience for the whole family.
Oh, good news.
Your dick is probably fine.
Clyde, your dick is now the one that needs to be worried about.
Whatever you do, don't let them out of your sight.
My dick is magnificent.
I got this.
- You never showed up for drop.
- Clyde? Clyde, come in.
Are you there? - Yeah, Pac, what is it? - Hey! Hey, do I like pesto? No.
You're more of a red sauce kind of guy.
I thought so.
Thank you.
Oh, shit! I think I've been spotted! - He's starting to speed up.
- Shit.
What should I do? Hugh, are you there? Give me a second, Clyde.
- Fucking Hugh.
- Fuck, dude! He definitely spotted me.
He's starting to drive really close to the guardrail.
Fuck.
- Pac, are you hearing me? - Hey, man.
Would you like to hear our specials? I I would fucking love to hear the specials.
Perfect.
We have a delicious ham ravioli in cheese sauce.
Our soup of the day is bacon fat and onion.
- That sounds good.
- Oh, good.
And then we have this incredible deep-fried noodle dipped in sugar for dessert.
Oh, what? Oh.
Fuck this.
I have no choice.
I'm gonna go under the van.
Okay, I think I've found the fuel line.
I'm starting to think I should put the walkie down.
Whoa! Holy shit, he's really trying to shake me! - [tires screech.]
- All right, I got my knife out.
All right, I'm slicing through the fuel line.
Oh, shit! That looks like a pretty sharp turn ahead! - [tires screech.]
- [screams.]
[static crackles.]
[buttons beeping.]
I'm, uh I'm sure he's fine.
He's probably just out of walkie-talkie range.
So what did you say the cheese-to-noodle ratio was on the lasagna? - Or did you not say? - [steam hisses.]
Holy shit! Hey, Pac.
My van has the fake painting.
- [munching.]
- Are you there? All right, let me know when you turn your walkie back on.
The fuck? Beautiful, aren't they? You.
- Why? - People who attend auctions are assholes hoarding beauty.
I can't think of anything more gluttonous.
This is where true art belongs.
Hanging above the velveteen baguettes? - With the masses.
- Oh.
Art is not a privilege.
It is a God-given right.
Just like endless soup and bottomless breadsticks.
- Well, sort of.
- No, I think that's bang-on.
Oh, what a wondrous place this is, filled with so many wealthy and attractive people.
I can think of no better venue for my likeness to hang for all eternity.
[clears throat.]
Okay, dude, your little secret will stay safe with me, but you need to do me one favor in return.
Nothing sex-related.
I I just What what? No! I don't no, I just I need to make one teeny, tiny alteration to that painting right there.
- Sold.
- To that man there.
Okay.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
That's the jam.
Oh! I'm gorgeous.
You sure are.
One last treat for you.
Huh? No.
Ah That not necessary.
Thank you.
[clears throat.]
Farewell.
One more celebratory plate of lasagna, methinks.
[snaps fingers.]
Yoo-hoo, Huge Anus.
Check, check, check.
- This is Pac.
- And Clyde.
And Clyde, obviously.
Hugh, you there? You okay, bud? Ask him if he smokes weed.
Hugh, do you smoke weed? Hugh, do you smoke-a the weed? - You think he's okay? - Yeah, totally.
Maybe he's dead.
- [groans.]
- Hugh, are you dead? [laughing.]
Are you laying in a pool of your own blood right now? [laughing.]
Hugh! Huuugh! Hope he's okay.
Oh, yeah, I'm sure he's fine.
Probably just got his finger on the button.
Rookie.
[chuckles.]