Dog with a Blog (2012) s03e08 Episode Script

Welcome to the first meeting of Stan's Book Club.
Today's book is Moby Dick.
I had a whale of a time reading it.
That's what you do in book clubs, right? Make terrible puns about the book? I can't wait till next week when we'd read The Wizard of Paws.
Ah? Ah? Stan, you didn't tell me Karl would be here.
I thought it would just be the two of us.
Likewise.
And I also didn't think we'd actually be discussing the book.
Book clubs are just for gossip.
Guess which neighborhood teen has been consuming his mother's strength-training shakes and can now bench press his own weight, from when he was seven? I know I didn't tell you each the other would be here.
But I want you guys to get along because you're two of the only people who know I can talk.
And you have so much in common.
You're smart, you love literature, and you both fart a little when you're tickled.
Come here.
BOTH: No! Oh, wait.
I'm the tickle farter.
Tickle me! BOTH: No! Stan, this whole thing is misguided.
We have nothing in common.
Karl is a pompous buffoon who names his sweater vests after Greek gods.
Demigods.
Only full sweaters are named after gods.
She's insufferable, isn't she, Perseus? We have nothing in common.
Nothing in common? How can you say that? You're in the same book club! As much as I like you, Stan, this book club is officially a bust.
I'm going to go withdraw to my sanctuary.
I'm sorry, Stan, but I'm leaving, too.
Oh, and, Karl, here's a tip.
If your "sanctuary" has mulch and shovels, it's probably more of a shed.
You say "potato," I say "pommes aligot.
" Because you're common and I enjoy French cuisine.
Well, I guess it's just you and me, Robert.
So what did you think of the book? You did read it, didn't you? What?! The audiobook? Robert, that's abridged! STAN: So we never did get to discuss Moby Dick.
Is it weird that the character in the book that I most related to was the whale? Tyler, don't snack.
You'll ruin your appetite for dinner.
Bennett, back me up here.
Listen to your mother.
I want to quit dance.
What do you mean? Your big recital's coming up in a few days.
You mean, I'm not gonna get to sit through three hours of other kids dancing just to see your two minute routine? Well, you gave it your best shot.
No, no, Bennett.
Chloe can't quit dance now.
I don't like dance anymore.
I want to quit and learn to do some awesome BMX bike tricks like Tyler.
Chloe, all right.
You're gonna look so cool all scarred up.
Tyler, don't encourage her.
Fine, I'll never encourage my little sister again.
I was hoping we'd be close.
But that's on you.
Chloe, you can't quit dance three days before the big recital.
Back me up here, Bennett.
Well (Seeds clatter in bowl) Sweetie, come here.
Listen, we've already paid for the classes, the costumes, the recital tickets, pre-ordered the DVD.
You got to finish what you start.
Mommy quit that cooking class.
And if you start a grease fire while dancing, you can quit, too.
You never let me do anything.
You said I can't do BMX, you said I can't be a lion tamer at the circus when I grow up.
Lion tamer is even more dangerous than BMX.
I've thought it all out, Mommy.
If things go bad with the lion, I'll just push a clown in front of me and run.
You can't outrun a lion.
I don't have to outrun a lion, I just have to outrun the clown.
Go and get it.
(Laughs) Knockedy-knockedy.
What do you want, Karl? I came to apologize for being so irascible at the book club.
The truth is, I respect you a great deal.
I don't know why we so often butt heads.
I respect you, too.
Mainly because we're the only two kids I know who wouldn't make some juvenile joke off the fact that you just said "butt heads.
" And yet you've managed to make a joke in the very process of denying that you were doing so.
Well played.
Thank you, Karl.
I knew you two would come together.
Well, maybe I should get going.
Or you can stay.
(Romantic music playing) Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh The music is nice.
Yes, it is.
Ahh! Ahh! I just had the most horrible nightmare.
I was about to kiss Karl Fink.
This is your fault for trying to push us together, Stan.
Hey, I just wanted you two to be friends.
You're the one who's getting all freaky with it.
Hey, Tyler.
I want to practice some BMX tricks after my dance class.
Will you help me? Chloe, you heard what Mom and Dad said.
If I help you, I'll get in trouble.
When did we switch places and you became the cute little girl? Chloe, I'm old enough now that I'm not gonna give in to peer pressure and be made to do something I know is wrong.
I'm not in your peer group.
Good point.
Let's do it.
But we're gonna have to keep this a secret from Mom and Dad.
I'm good at keeping secrets.
I kept the secret that I have mice in my sock drawer.
(Ellen screaming) Sometimes they get out.
Dad, I didn't sleep well last night.
Were you up again writing presidential fan fiction? I just think James Buchanan and Edgar Allan Poe could've solved a lot of crimes together.
But this is different.
I didn't sleep well last night because I had a very disturbing dream.
As a psychologist, you know about dream interpretation, right? I know a thing or two about it.
A thing or two, or are you an expert? Sorry, I'm tired.
I didn't mean to sound like Count Dracula.
You'll get that when you read my latest installment.
Buchanan and Poe have their hands full.
Yes, I am an expert.
In fact, maybe I'll write some psychology fan fiction featuring me and Sigmund Freud solving crimes of the mind.
Fun.
Don't.
So tell me about this dream.
Well, without going into the specifics, it was a dream in which I started to do something that I would never in a million years really want to do.
Like swimming the butterfly through an open sewer or talking to my dad about something personal.
So what does that mean? It may very well be your subconscious telling you that you do want to do this thing.
Really? I see.
(Silent scream) Or it could be the exact opposite.
Dreams are weird that way.
Like when I dreamed I was an Olympic gymnast and I finished third on the pommel horse and my Bulgarian shot-putting girlfriend breaks up with me for a guy who didn't even medal.
Didn't even medal! Avery? Avery! I know it was just a dream, but I wonder Go for the gold, Bennett! Go for the gold! Huh! Oh Oh oh oh! I got it! I did it! I did it! No, I didn't.
No wonder Svetlana broke up with you.
I'm ready for my first BMX lesson, Tyler.
What are you wearing? My dance recital costume.
I'm a BMX princess.
Sure, why not.
They should make an animated movie about me.
I'll sing this song.
Ride the bike Ride the bike There'll be no stopping me Ride the bike Ride the bike While my princess dress flows free Probably win an Oscar.
Sure, why not.
Now let's get you up to the top of the ramp.
Wow, you put that together all by yourself? Are we even allowed to do this here? Sure, why not.
Safety is very important, Chloe.
So before you do any riding, we are going to discuss exactly what's gonna happen, and then we're gonna walk through it a few times slowly so you can get the feel of what it's like Y.
O.
L.
O.
!!! (Crashing) That was awesome! Chloe, your dress! Tyler, why didn't we walk through it a few times slowly so I could get the feel of it? Hey, Karl.
What's up? Plotting world domination? Oh, please.
Dominating Pasadena will more than suffice.
There are whole swaths of the world that are just nothing but headaches.
Hello, Stan.
Hey Karl.
Did you see my plans for a cat teleportation device? It's just an X with a large rock hanging over it.
Shh.
The cats don't know that.
So anyway, here's the thing.
I had this weird dream, and I was thinking that we should talk about it.
But now that I'm here, I realize it's just one dream, no big deal.
Right? Quite possibly.
It could mean nothing.
Or it could mean this (Romantic music playing) Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ahh! Ahh! Karl, stop licking my hand! Ahh! Stan! You can't eat ribs for dinner and expect this not to happen.
No, I had the nightmare again.
Having the dream once could've been a fluke.
But this is a pattern.
What if my dad's right? What if it does represent a subconscious desire? I had a dream once that I ate a giant marshmallow, and when I woke up Don't tell me.
The pillow was gone.
No.
Chloe was gone.
Then she came back in.
With marshmallows.
But they were just regular size.
Look, I know you're trying to cheer me up, but I'm freaking out.
Maybe you should talk to Karl and see if it's really what you want.
At least you'll know.
No! I can't do that.
I can never say anything to him about this.
And you have to promise not to say anything to him either.
Is it possible that I like Karl Fink? (Retches) Avery, either throw up or don't, but don't tease me like that.
Hey, Karl.
What's up? Not that something has to be up.
Nothing's up.
Stop grilling me! You're acting weird.
Well, I mean, weirder than normal for a talking dog.
Well, if anyone knows "weird," it's you, right? I love the way you say "It's not weird.
" Do that.
Do that for me now.
Say "It's not weird.
" I suppose I may say that on occasion, but it's a perfectly acceptable turn of phrase.
It's not weird.
Ah, you said it! I love when you say that! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Is it hot in here? Stop grilling me!!! Stan, you're obviously uncomfortable about something, and I'm assuming there's a reason you came over here, so what is it? Not a secret I promised to keep that Avery dreamed about kissing you, that's for sure.
Dang it! How do you successfully keep the secret that you can talk? I have no idea.
Chloe, your recital is tomorrow.
Why didn't you ask Avery to fix the costume like we talked about? I did.
She said she can't fix it.
I can't fix it.
What do you mean, she can't fix it? She's a whiz with sewing.
She's doing this whole fashion thing.
I may be a whiz with sewing and doing this whole fashion thing, but the fabric is ruined.
Can't she get more fabric? No.
But there has to be something that she can do.
There's nothing Avery can do, Chloe.
And it's late.
She's already asleep.
Now if you'll excuse me, Avery had ribs for dinner and there's something very important I have to do.
Go to bed and wait.
I'll get to you later, Chicken Fingers.
We are gonna be in such huge trouble when Mom and Dad see this.
Well, the recital's not until tomorrow.
Maybe something magical will happen to get us out of this.
Chloe, be realistic.
Nothing magical ever happens to us.
Hey, guys.
What's up? Stan, we're busy.
We don't have time for our talking dog right now.
BENNETT: Chloe? Chloe, go put on your recital costume.
We're going to take some pictures.
Now? The recital's not until tomorrow.
Yeah, but the pictures never turn out at the recital because they won't let you use the flash.
What do you mean? I look so cute in this photo from last year.
Chloe, put on your costume.
Where is the good camera? I think it's in your office.
Remember, we set it up on the timer to take that picture of me using the Force on you? (Beeping) Now! We'll go get the camera.
Chloe, get your costume on.
Whew, that was close.
They almost caught me and Robert having a little fun with their camera.
Knockedy Please don't say "knockedy" again.
All right, I won't.
All right, I can't say just one and leave it hanging.
"Knockedy.
" Ha.
There.
Isn't that better? Karl, you are the last person I want to see right now.
Avery, Stan told me.
He told you? And if this is something that's haunting your dreams, perhaps it's something that we should explore.
Perhaps it is.
(Romantic music playing) Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ahh! It is weird! I don't know how glue is gonna fix the dress.
Do you have a better idea? If I just pat it down here, we can Okay, don't freak out, but I think my hand is glued to your shoulder.
Tyler! I said don't freak out.
I can get some leverage if I push my hand off.
You just glued your other hand to my head, didn't you? Yes.
Yes, I did.
I can push off my with my Stop! Everything you do makes it worse.
Well, you called that one.
Our sides are glued together.
Okay, time for pictures.
Tyler, move out of the way.
No, no.
I want to be in these pictures with Chloe.
My little dancing sis who I love so much.
I'm so proud of you.
So proud.
That is so sweet.
Okay, now, Tyler, get out of the way.
I want to get some of her dancing.
Or some of us dancing together.
Yeah.
Whoo.
Ow! I mean, yay! Kids, what is going on here? You know how you always say that brothers and sisters should stick together? Okay, here's your punishment.
We called the dance studio and there are no more costumes for the princess number.
But they do have extras for the tin soldier dance.
With the kindergarteners.
(Gasps) Take it from me, kids.
You don't want to go behind your parents' back.
I've been down that road.
And the choreography doesn't work with an odd number of girls.
So your punishment, Tyler, is (Gasps) Mom, I need some advice.
Of course.
Sit.
We'll have cheesecake as I share my experiences, my wisdom, my love.
I live for these moments when you come to me like this.
And I might do it more if you didn't make such a big deal out of it.
So what's happenin'? Let's chat.
Break it down.
When you were younger, was there ever a boy you thought you didn't like, but maybe you really did, but you just didn't know it? What is some boy telling you? No, no, no, no one's telling me anything.
I just might be confused.
When you met Dad, how did you know you liked him? Well, I didn't know at first.
Not until the night of our first kiss.
He put his hand on my cheek.
I put my hand on his shoulder.
And as I closed my eyes, even before we kissed, I knew.
Wow.
That's really romantic.
Thanks, Mom.
Any time.
No big.
It's all good.
I did not just advise you to kiss a boy.
I knew before the kiss! No kiss! No kiss! Thanks for coming.
I got your text that you needed to see me.
I think I know why.
Stan told me about your dream.
He told you about the kissing and the hand licking? What hand licking? Hand licking? I never said hand licking.
I wasn't getting all freaky with it.
Ohh, this is so humiliating.
For both of us.
After Stan planted the idea in my head, I had the same dream.
Only without your freaky hand licking.
Wait.
How do we know this isn't a dream? There's only one way to find out.
Aaah! Aaah! It's not a dream.
Your fingers are like little vices! You know, we'll never get past this if we don't explore whether or not there's any real feelings here.
(Both shudder) Stan.
(Romantic music playing) Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ELLEN: He put his hand on my cheek.
I put my hand on his shoulder.
And as I closed my eyes, even before we kissed, I knew.
I know.
Just like with my mom, I know.
I could not be more repulsed right now if I were sucking the sweat out of an old gym sock.
Oh, Avery.
I feel the exact same way.
Only I had licking the sludge from the hair trap in my sink.
So I'm gonna leave quickly now.
The quicker the better.
Goodbye.
Well, I bet you feel better now, don't you? Good for you, Avery.
Yeah.
But we still have the little matter to discuss of you telling Karl about my dream.
But I didn't.
This is all a dream.
I'm not really a talking dog.
How crazy would that be? It's all a dream, dream, dream, a dream, dream, dream But the part where you feed me table scraps is real, real, real So keep doing that.
STAN: Well, Avery and Karl never did kiss.
But I hope the whole thing brings them closer together.
Speaking of getting closer together Kinda lonely in the house tonight, isn't it, Stan? Just you and me.
(Romantic music playing) Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Ahh!!! (Boing)