Duck Dynasty (2012) s03e08 Episode Script

1 - Korie: Sadie, you almost ready? - Sadie: Yes, ma'am.
Don't rip the tag off.
Let me cut it off.
I don't want it to rip like the other one.
- Sadie: I know.
- The other one? Yeah, she has to have, like, two formals.
And a suit for the football game.
For what? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Willie: Sadie got nominated for the Homecoming Court and I couldn't be prouder.
She's really following in the old man's footsteps.
Except I never had to buy three dresses for the Homecoming Dance.
Well, they have to have this thing that they do during the thing to-- with two dresses that they need.
- Well-spoken, son.
- ( laughs ) Okay.
What do y'all think? Korie: I love it.
- It's perfect.
- John Luke: Pretty good.
- Korie: Doesn't she look pretty? - Dad? Did Sadie look nice in her dress? Yes.
- That's - But it's the kind of nice that the boys at school are gonna think is really nice and that's gonna make me really uncomfortable Is that all of it? because she's really young and she's really my daughter It just looks a little short to me.
and I'm really accurate with a crossbow.
- You think it's too sexy? - Pfft.
- Good Lord, of course.
- She's sexy and she knows it.
Look, if you're not happy with it, then you can take her back shopping to find another one - because-- - Nah.
Nah, wear it.
Willie, no.
You're her daddy.
Never mind that we spent a week finding that one.
Korie, if I can run a company, I can go buy a dress.
Your daddy obviously hasn't shopped with Sadie lately.
No.
Willie: Korie thinks that the mere thought of dress shopping is gonna send me running for the hills.
Well, the joke's on her.
Hey, I can find something that looks - more conservative than that.
- Willie.
Willie: Because I have my fingers on the pulse of the fashion industry.
It's kinda hard with a beard, but I know about fashion.
Godwin's got these shorts and you can unzip them and-- - Oh, no.
- --they go from pants to shorts.
- Dad.
- Just don't embarrass your daughter.
- ( chuckles ) I won't embarrass her.
- ( spoon screeching ) Willie.
John Luke.
- You need some more ice cream, son? - No, this is good.
John Luke, when I said it, that means stop.
- Willie: Quit scraping the bowl, son.
- Sorry.
- Korie: Look, you can take her back tomorrow.
- Wait, we need to change that.
- I'm supposed to go fishing.
- Uh, no.
Change of plans.
Good luck, Dad.
You're gonna need it.
Willie: What about denim? Like a dress denim.
Korie: Willie, that's just weird.
( theme music playing ) Silk suit, black tie I don't need a reason why They come running just as fast as they can 'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.
@Cwluc == S03E08 Duck Be a Lady == ( blows call ) Jase: I don't wanna cause a stampede or revolt, but we don't have any coffee.
- Well, go make some more.
- No, we're out.
The coffeepot is busted.
- Well, we gotta have some coffee.
- Yeah, we gotta have coffee.
I've been drinking coffee every morning since I can remember.
I have luxuries I can do without.
Electricity.
Air conditioning.
Toilet paper.
There's not a lot of things I do habitually, but one of them is I drink coffee in the morning.
The luxuries I don't do without - are my black coffee - You can't take a man's coffee.
and that's it.
No, you don't need no coffee.
Yore going through caffeine withdrawal.
What are you talking about? Hey, just go get a shot of B12 in your behind - and you'll be fine.
- What? Si: Hey, look here, boys.
In Nam, when we got down a little bit, hey, the doc would give us a shot of B12.
- Hey, next thing you know-- - You'll be going, going, going, and gone.
I'm fired up, Jack.
I need to work off some energy here.
You know, that thing will crank a diesel engine-- I'm talking about.
( humming ) Si, I do not do needles.
B12 will fix that right up with ya.
You wouldn't even jump.
Rock on.
- I'm out.
- So it's ( growls ) Jase: Willie needs to send one of his little minions out to go get a coffeemaker immediately.
I said little minion.
You're not a little minion.
- Godwin.
- I want some coffee.
I do, too, but that should be something that they should do for us.
I mean, what do we ask for around here? We don't ask for much here.
Hey, I asked Willie for an indoor-heated pool.
- Depth finder.
- Basketball.
- Tennis court.
- Sandwich.
Correction.
I don't ask for a lot here.
Besides all that, not a whole lot.
One thing we expect is a complimentary two-cent cup of energy mud.
We've always had coffee.
Hey, that's why I bring mine with me.
That way I don't depend on nobody to bring me my tea.
Si: Hey, look here.
You boys make me sick.
Hey, I get up every morning, brew my own tea, hey, fix my own breakfast.
Hey, go in there and brush my own teeth and then, hey, then I take my own naps.
- Si, that's not coffee.
- What? You boys done got that silver-spoon mentality.
Next thing you know, you'll be eating brunch and sipping on "somosas.
" I can't work in these conditions.
- Gentlemen.
- What's up, boss? How we doing? Well, we've gotta have a serious discussion here.
Jase, I know.
The coffeemaker's broken.
You have told me.
You told me when it broke.
You told me when you walked out the door.
You've texted me enough times.
- Nothing's changed.
- It's coming.
- I'll get one.
- Willie: If there's one thing Jase hates worse than work, it's no coffee, which I'm not sure why because it's not like he needs a ton of energy to sit around and talk and do nothing.
It's been like an hour since it happened.
Willie: Look, we'll get the coffee.
Got it.
Two things.
All those boxes out there in the aisles, they gotta be moved.
Take you 15-20 minutes.
- Pfft.
- No problemo.
15-20 minutes.
That's a Phil Robertson 15 or 20 minutes.
Translation, I'd say about six hours.
You'll gotta get that.
Secondly, Si, we can't go straight from here fishing.
- I got something to do.
- Why not? I gotta go to-- I gotta go dress shopping at the mall.
- Oh, good grief.
- You gotta go what? I gotta go dress shopping with Sadie at the mall.
You're dropping me for the mall? The mall echoes.
Hey, look here.
I need to go with y'all.
- Si-- - This way we can just drop Sadie off once you get the dress-- head to the lake.
Hey, look here.
I will take retail therapy over moving boxes any day.
Hey, I'm ready to rip some lips.
How long is it gonna take? Si: Let's head to the mall, okay? Sam Goody's and then we'll get the new "Cyrus Miley" CD.
Si may want him a new dress.
Hey, Goody's got it.
Si, it's weird enough I'm going with her, I dang sure ain't taking you with me.
Hey, no.
If I go with you, hey, we can get on the lake in 30 minutes.
The man's got a point.
Fine.
Just don't be weird, you hear me? - Hey, never.
- Si, weird? I'll be in the truck.
- ( laughs ) - All right, we're going to the mall.
The rest of y'all, cleanup on aisle seven.
Which one's aisle seven? It's in between six and eight.
Hey, if you find one of them coffeemakers, get it.
Jep: Why don't we just go get some coffee? Jase: Why didn't I think of that? All right, we're dress shopping.
All right, let's get this show on the road.
This shouldn't take three or four minutes.
- Si.
- What? This is gonna take longer than that.
It's her big day.
- Thanks, Dad.
- 30 minutes tops.
We'll be in and out.
- Oh, please.
- Hello.
How are you? - Hi.
I'm doing good.
How are y'all today? - Good.
- We're here to return a dress.
- Is there something wrong with it? Uh, yeah.
There's not enough material.
Willie: All right, let's get this crap over with.
This is gonna be some quick and painless dress shopping.
Are y'all wanting to look for something totally different? - Yes.
- No.
This is gonna be some painless dress shopping.
- What do we want? - Short.
- Long.
- This is gonna be some dress shopping.
And also, sir, we don't allow drinks in the store, so - Hey, that's probably a good idea.
- If you could leave it on-- Hey, you want this tea jug? You're gonna have to pry it from my cold, dead fingers.
Hey, this thing goes where I go.
He's an old man.
He's not right.
- It's okay.
- Si: Hey, look here.
What are you gonna do? Put me in dress jail? Hey, go right ahead.
- All righty.
- All right, let's go shopping.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Good deal.
We'll be done in 30 minutes.
- Dad, I really like this one.
- No.
No way.
It doesn't have a top.
Look, it's halfway done.
Dad.
I don't think Sadie understands what clothing is.
We wear clothes to cover our things.
- Well, I guess I'll just have to wear a strapless-- - Eh, eh, eh.
- Whatever you're fixed to say, no.
- All our things.
We need full coverage.
Dad.
Hey, your dance card full, darling? You wanna trip the light fantastic with me? Whoa, hey.
All right, look here.
When I was young, I used to practice talking to girls by talking to mannequins.
Here you go, darling.
Don't lose your head.
Um, Dad.
Uncle Si's talking to the mannequin.
I know.
I'm totally aware, but that's the least I gotta worry about.
Here, darling.
You need this.
You gonna be a ladies' man, hey, you've got to know about the stuff - that girls think is nifty.
- You need fall colors and then if you accessorize it, you know, it may work.
But most importantly, hey, you need to know how they like to be handled.
Grab your partner by the arm.
Dance her around.
You've got to have the right touch.
- Si! - What? - That's enough with the mannequin.
- Hey, look.
- They don't make 'em like they used to.
- Dad, do you like this one? No.
Sadie, if we're not gonna cover the top - ( choking ) - this whole thing is use-- - Si! - What? - Get outta here! Get outta here.
- Hey, you grump.
- Get outta this section.
- You're a grump.
- How's it going back here, guys? - Hi.
- Do you have anything in denim? - Dad.
Willie: Do you know what a burka is? Jase: Really, Jep? Coffee in a strip mall? - Best coffee in town.
- Oh, good grief.
Godwin: If you say so.
- Okay.
- Hi.
How are y'all doing? - Hey.
- Doing good.
- Is this where we go? - Yeah.
- What can I get for you? - I'd like to get a raspberry mocha frozen decaf - with soy and extra whip.
- All right.
- Now that's a drink order.
- What was it? - I don't know.
- Jase: This place just feels bizarre.
The guy in front of me is ordering things that I've never heard of.
- What exactly did you order there? - Uh, it's a frozen raspberry mocha-- it's got raspberry, chocolate, decaf espresso, and soy milk.
What, is he constructing a bomb? - Here you go.
- Thanks.
- What can I get for you? - Well after seeing that, I'm not real sure.
Jase: When Jep came up with the idea of going to a coffee shop, I figured there would be coffee available.
Are you looking for, like, a latte, cappuccino - breve - Where's the coffee? You only have one thing that actually says coffee.
Gourmet Coffee.
In the white letters.
Do you want just, like, regular black coffee? We want the strongest thing you got.
- Four double shots of espresso.
- That's what we want.
Is this guaranteed to put hair on my chest? Guaranteed.
- That's it? - That's it.
( clears throat ) - Whoo.
- Whoo.
Despite the weirdness of my surroundings, this espresso This stuff tastes like motor oil, man.
- it's pretty good.
- It tastes like my dad's.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Jase: Of course, you're looking at the effects of long-term use of these products.
These people-- they look like they've been here a while.
I mean, perhaps all day.
I don't think these people are going back to work.
I don't even know if these people do work.
Hello, hello, everyone.
Hi.
Welcome to "Afternoon Floetry.
" We need to get outta here.
This coffee is amazing.
This place weird.
Si: Suits, suits, and more suits.
Let's see what we got here, boys.
Si: I think I'm gonna be stuck here for a while, so, hey, I might as well find me something and get my swag on.
Pretty snazzy-looking.
Hey, look here.
My style is so fresh and clean, you don't even need to wash it before eating it.
Not bad.
I like the look.
An elderly gentleman of leisure.
Hey, I'm so dope that I'm iegal in 55 states.
They've got every color, don't they? Hey, look here.
Don't you wish your boyfriend was hot like I am? Fred Astaire.
That's Fred Astaire's dance suit right there.
( vocalizing ) Bam.
- Sly.
- Yup.
Not bad.
- How's it going in there, Sadie? - Pretty good.
Heck, no.
That's too short.
I know Sadie's tall for her age, but these dresses are too short for her age.
I like what you're doing with the sleeve, but, no.
No.
Is this an appropriate dress for my little girl? No.
- Am I having fun? - Heck, no.
- Is anyone having fun around here? - Uh-uh.
- What's wrong with this one? - Think defense.
- Full coverage.
- Dad.
That's spread offense.
Sadie, turn around and go back in there and we're gonna act like that never happened.
- I'm calling Mom.
- Could things get any worse? - Sadie? - Hello, honey, hello, baby.
Yes.
- Is that a cane? - Yeah.
- Yes, they can.
- Get outta here and get that cane outta my face.
Well, good day to you, sir.
Hey, good day also, madam.
- Willie: Go take that off.
I'm not paying for it.
- Si: No.
Jase: Good call on the coffee, little brother.
- No-look pass.
- I told ya.
Come on.
We almost done.
I feel a million times better.
About an hour ago, we were in pursuit of coffee.
- Chunk it.
- Headache.
Jase: So we go and we ingest the sweetest fuel known to mankind.
- Espresso.
- Throw.
And ever since then, everything has been moving in fast-forward.
We done made up for the time we took to go get the coffee.
Oh, hey.
Bad toss.
We're skipping all the boring stuff.
It's just ( vocalizing ) Jep: Press, Godwin, press.
- Come on! - ( laughs ) Hey! Get off me! Boop, boop.
Boop, boop.
Jep: His belly's hitting before he gets down.
Look, his knees are on the ground.
This stuff is awesome.
Look at you go! My heart is beating really fast.
I feel like I can hear it in my ears.
It's like, "Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
" Jase: Run, Jep, run! - Lay your hand-- - That's all-- - Whoa! - It kinda hurts a little bit, actually.
- Oh, I just pulled something.
- Martin: Uh-oh.
I'm-- I'm not feeling real good.
I'm a little bit queasy.
I have got a headache the size of Texas, man.
- I hit a wall.
- Oh, I'm exhausted, too.
I'm telling ya.
- No, I-- - You ran into a wall? Yeah.
Jase: They'll probably turn espresso into a banned substance.
Let me give you coffee drinkers a bit of a warning.
If you're contemplating going down this long, dark road of espresso That needs to be regulated.
I'm gonna tell you something.
That packed a punch.
proceed with extreme caution.
It's a nice climb, but it's a horrendous fall.
I'm just gonna go buy me a $12 coffeemaker and call it a tax write-off.
Jase: Tell you what.
If you ever see me wandering around the mall muttering bad poetry just go ahead and shoot me on the spot.
Martin: Deal.
Sadie: Dad, I've tried on, like, 40 dresses.
That's it.
That's what it needs to look like.
- Dad.
- Find that dress and you got it.
Dad, you're taking all the fun out of it.
Willie: This whole day's been a disaster.
The fishing trip-- that ain't happening.
Sadie-- she is hating me right now.
All I wanted to do was buy my daughter a dress and it's turned into a fiasco.
- Sadie.
- Just give me a minute.
Fine.
Si, not now.
Sadie's mad at me.
This whole thing's been a disaster.
Well, hey, that's because you're overbearing.
- Overbearing? - Yeah.
Hey, I remember it.
I went through it, son.
I done raised a daughter.
Maybe it's this getup, but I'm fixing to break it down for Willie.
Hey, what you fail to realize right here is, hey, your little girl has bloomed into a full-grown woman and you are handling it poorly.
Willie: This just ain't right.
Si's using the word woman and trying to console me? This is getting really weird.
- How old is Sadie now? - She's like 13.
No, she's 16 and, hey, your mama, she was married at 16.
She's no longer your little girl.
But what's weirder is that the "Monopoly Man" is actually making sense.
We don't have to show the world that she's a fully grown woman.
Hey, you can't do nothing about it, Will.
Si: Hey, look here.
You can't be worried about an inch of fabric.
Hey, there's way more important things to worry about.
Hey, Y2K, shark attacks, lead paint, Dakota Fanning, smallpox, Woodstock, "Moonshot", Watergate, punk rock, rock 'n' rollers, cola wars, hey, I can't take this anymore.
You've raised her right.
Hey, give her a little trust and respect.
She'll turn out all right.
- I ain't through raising her.
- Gotta learn to let go, Will.
Ha.
What are you doing here? - Sadie texted me.
- It's been a disaster.
Where is she? Oh, she's back there sitting in the dressing room pouting.
- Oh, my goodness.
- Mad.
Come on.
Come apologize.
Willie: Apparently, I messed up, but I don't think anyone could've seen this coming.
I had a feeling it was gonna go like this.
- Did ya? - Well, maybe Korie.
And John Luke, too.
- Willie.
- But besides them, nobody would've seen this coming.
- Sadie? - Mom? - Hey, baby.
- Hey.
You look beautiful.
Willie, you got something to say? I apologize.
I may have been stupid in some ways.
- Yeah.
- That's a good dress.
That's the one.
I never saw that one.
This has always been the one, Dad.
Willie, that's the one we had bought in the first place.
- I had this at the house.
- It looks fine.
All right.
Group hug.
We're all good.
Willie: I guess they have to grow up sometime, but I still think the full-length denim dress should make a comeback.
- Si, get outta here.
This is my family.
- What? No hug for Uncle Si after I got all dressed up? - We don't need Cajun pimps in here.
- Hey, I'll tell you what.
- Korie: Was it bad? - Sadie: Horrible.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Homecoming 2012.
That pass is complete to Reed Robertson.
All right! - Our first freshman maid is Sadie Robertson.
- ( cheering ) Willie: Raising a daughter sometimes feels like being hopped up on espresso.
Everything goes in fast motion.
Then there's the crash when you realize your precious daughter has blossomed into a woman overnight.
Life's all about finding the happy medium 'cause too much of a good thing can ruin you, but too little a dress will make Daddy lose his mind.
As hard as it is, you have to compromise 'cause it could always be worse.