Duckman (1994) s03e08 Episode Script

( whistles ) MAN (over speaker): McJagger's.
Can I help you? Yeah.
Give me a Beggar's Banquet Burger, a Goat's Head scoop of Going-to-a-Cocoa yogurt and a Beast McBurden Value Meal with Paint It Black coffee.
And don't skimp on the game pieces! ( quiet scraping ) I only need the Jann Wenner to win.
Damn! I wonder what closet they hid that one in? Oh, well, time for Plan B.
and since my mother was eaten by opossums, finding this was a tad bit traumatic.
Of course, I'm open to a settlement.
If I had a nickel for every bloke with an opossum I'd buy out my contract so Mick couldn't keep involving me in all these merchandising schemes.
And I'm the lucky one.
Woody silk-screens t-shirts and Keith does customer service for the Stones credit card.
Rolling Stones card.
Account number, please? ( coughing and hacking ) Oops! Bad lid.
Now I'll have to sue you for, say, $5 million or the winning game piece-- whichever would cause you the least hardship.
A tropical vacation! And after only three months of intensive care.
Just shows you what hard work and self-immolation will get you.
Stow it in the overhead, scabbo! This third world "paradise" you're taking us to is a squalid armpit full of dirt-poor, mud-dumb squatters oppressed by a cruel dictatorship.
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Try seeing it the way I do-- as a magical getaway with no smog, no boom boxes, no traffic, and best of all, no clothing required on the beaches.
( chuckling ) i didn't hear you.
I was enjoying the in-flight audio entertainment.
I'm a sucker for Allen and Rossi.
Of course I agree with whatever you said, seeing as you invited me along for free when you made other travel arrangements for Grandma-Ma.
I do what I can-- and I wish I could do something about this cabin temperature.
It's too hot.
I'm sweating like a like a lot.
Perhaps you're perspiring like a hygienically impaired individual because there's a fireball on the wing.
( passengers screaming ) ( alarm blaring ) ( laughing ) ( crashing ) MAN: Flight 107 has arrived to Puerto Guano international airport.
Please prepare to deplane.
If you're continuing on to Havana, please remain seated while the aircraft is serviced.
( flies buzzing ) Dad, this doesn't look anything like Dad? Shouldn't we be getting the bags to the room? Nah, Bernice and Grandma-Ma can get themselves there.
( laughing ): Bags! Bernice.
Grandma-Ma.
Once again, it sails over his head.
Well, I, for one, can't wait another minute to experience vacation paradise-- d'ah! Hey-ya! Chiquita.
How's about a banana? My polo es muchacho daiquiri.
She digs me.
You know, it wouldn't hurt if you'd get in the spirit and out of those threads yourself.
You're scaring the locals.
Oh, I get it-- little worried people will, uh, chuckle-wuckle at your piggly-wiggly? Look, I know a doctor whose specialty is stretching the old meat budget, if you know what I mean.
Believe me, the woman who catches my bouquet will be in hog heaven.
I just have a tattoo i'm embarrassed about.
What can I say? He was one mesmerizing Minnesotan.
Hm.
( lecherous yell ) Hola, senorita! Care for a Duckman burrito with extra hot sauce? ( both yelling ) ( still yelling ) ( panting ) Whew! Hey, cantina boy, give me a tall glass of water.
My sister-in-law in her birthday suit just gave me a libidoectomy.
( eerie screeching ) ( gulps ) Aah! Uh-oh.
Time for Innard Skinnard to cut a new track.
Some vacation.
Next thing you know, I'll find out they have That's it! Exotic Third World paradise, schmexmotic schmird schworld schmarasch schmamma.
Ah, you know what I mean.
Worlds one, two and three, suck eggs! We need a Fourth World-- where they do things the right way.
My way.
Where they don't have any pay toilets.
There are no more telemarketers.
There are no more valets changing your seat and your radio dials.
And no more people who write "wash me" in the dust of your car every year, even though last year's is still completely legible! I can't take it anymore! Convenience stores with six-year-old milk, shut down for 22 hours.
Blah-blah-blah-blah.
I wish we understood English.
Blah-blah-blah! Well, I could rant forever, but I still need to send a dump-o-gram to Commander Septic.
Yeah.
Maybe that swanky casino has a free can.
( crowd complaining ) Yo, Paco, I'm an American and, uh Guess the word "American" still makes them quake in their boots.
( groaning ) ( gunfire outside ) ( humming ) ( gunfire continues ) Whoo! Whoo, baby! ( Duckman whistling like a falling missile ) Pah! Got 'em.
( chuckling ) ( crowd roaring ) Oh, no.
Not another intervention.
Well, Duckman, you've done it now.
Oh.
Right.
Sorry.
A little Airwick, you'll never know I was The government's been overthrown and guess who's responsible?! Wait.
I know this.
Uh Eli Whitney? Harriet Beecher Stowe? Aaron Burr? No, Ajax.
Unless it's someone named isosceles triangle, i've wasted a whole year of school.
I'm guessing you mean me.
But what did I have to do with it? Senor, the Great Toilet Rebellion was inspired by your passion.
We would be honored if you would be the new el presidente.
You want me to be a cigar? No, you spastic ooze monkey.
They want you to be the dictator! They do? Does that mean I could make whatever laws I want? Run things my way? Of course.
Your word would be law.
( groaning ) Duckman, part of me believes you're judicious and mature enough to handle unlimited power.
Of course, that same part of me believes that JFK shares a townhouse with Elvis and Jim Morrison on a small Mediterranean island.
Esta usted une snobbo? If I thought, as you do, that government should be run only by competent and experienced and smart and reasonable people, I would never have voted for term limits.
Besides, me having unlimited power the blind adoration of millions total control over the fate of an entire people-- what could possibly go wrong? For a complete list, send $12 to Journal Graphics, Washington, DC, 20300.
( crowd cheering ) Too military.
Too spiky.
Too fruity.
Too phallic.
Too heavy.
Not phallic enough.
That's the one! Listen, Muammar Khadoofus, we want you to give us cabinet positions so when this already godforsaken stinkhole turns into the festering sulphur pit it'll inevitably become after a few hours with you at the helm, we can impeach you.
You? You actually think I'd put you in charge of something? ( groaning ) "First Lady" have a nice ring to it? Perfect.
( grunts ) I'll devote myself to starting new programs dedicated to improving education, health care and housing for the poor.
Excellent! I need useless social programs to cut when I'm pretending to be fiscally responsible.
As for us, Dad, we'd be happy to bring Puerto Guano's arts and humanities up to their proper level of esteem.
Not to worry.
Taking my inspiration from current American attitudes, I just ordered a new artists' and poets' wing for the prison.
What about the environment? And employment? Like those are things people worry about.
Okay, Charles, La Bamba Mambo.
Whatever.
You're Minister of Industry.
You're Minister of the Environment.
Spotted owls.
More jobs.
Spotted owls! More jobs! Ajax, you can have a position I believe you're uniquely qualified for.
El vice presidente and your duties are to, eh guard that ashtray.
Wow! By myself? Use the army, if you want.
Thanks, Dad.
And Corny, you'll be my Secretary of State, so get me a cup of coffee and then take a letter.
Wait.
Never mind.
Time for my first balcony harangue.
( rifles cocking ) Borrow your ashtray? Uh, sure.
Damn.
( fanfare plays ) Today, I come to you with a vision-- a vision not only of exploiting my high office for personal gain but of a shining island country where the common man is king.
where people will no longer live under the jackboot of a dictatorial madman who makes you adhere to his every whim.
I think I'll call it "Duckmania.
" And whoever doesn't like it will die an ugly and painful death! ( cheering ) In my first hundred days, I pledge to wipe out the annoyances that blight your pitiful existence, and so I present to you my "contract with Duckmania"-- an end to car alarms that talk, to supermarket carts with jiggly wheels and to people who put cute messages on their answering machines.
( cheering ) An end to music videos which feature the band instead of sweaty, half-naked girls to really hairy guys in public swimming pools.
Furthermore, Duckman outlaws all babies in movie theaters, and Duckman outlaws all people who refer to themselves in the third person.
( cheering ) Possession of a leaf blower-- unconstitutional.
Fat women wearing spandex-- five to ten, no parole; and public exhibition of an Adam Sandler movie-- lethal injection! ( cheering ) Duckman, we need to talk.
( clearing throat ) Aren't we forgetting something? Hail, Duckman.
Soldier, you have a button loose.
Remember: three buttons loose at all times.
Duckman, can't you see that you're trying to pay rent at the Fool's Paradise motel with expired American Express reality checks? Huh? You're taking a ride on the roller coaster of power without being as tall as Mr.
Maturity's hand.
Heh? If you lose touch with ordinary people's lives, you'll travel the same route as those before you, and I don't want to be here when they realize you're not God.
But I am God.
It says so in the constitution.
So you see, Corny, everything is taken care of.
With Duckman at the wheel, there's no way anything bad can ever happen.
That address again: Journal Graphics, Washington, DC, 20300.
Kids, about your father You're worried about his refusal to share his power with the people.
It bothered us too-- a little lower-- till we realized that free elections would lead to corrupt special interest groups keeping a permanent government from sharing their power with the people.
Dad's just cut out the middleman.
( rhythmic marching ) Bernice, I'm afraid your entire family has gone off the deep Love to chat, but I'm in the middle of a cabinet debriefing! ( lascivious laugh ) Senor Duckman, I have terrible news.
The treasury, she is almost empty.
Nonsense! Where can all the money have gone? Last one in the caviar is a rotten egg! Senator Stark! One of the U.
S.
Senate's most distinguished moral degenerates.
I thought you were at the performance of my boys choir.
They sing too? Mr.
Presidente, there's something terribly wrong about using these people's money for your own personal pleasure.
Well, I, uh You should be using ours! The U.
S.
taxpayer needs to see a few patently propped-up puppet governments that do whatever we say under the threat of violence, in order to reaffirm the supremacy of American values and ethics.
A noble standard to uphold, Senator.
Hey, I could burn down an unsightly rain forest and put in a new army base with missiles and a-- Oh, I don't know-- whoever you want.
And that's just the beginning, Senator.
True, there are those who think me mad but I ask you: would a madman plan to have the island dynamited into the shape of his own glorious head? Would a madman publicly announce a master plan for U.
S.
-funded total global domination? Would a madman come up with a different victory dance for every country he conquers? Canada! ( rhythmic humming ) Swaziland! ( rhythmic humming ) Boise! ( rhythmic humming ) CORNFED: Duckman, despite a weak spot for the Canada dance, I hereby resign as Secretary of State.
No decent person can stand by while you trample the people and principles of an entire nation.
Also, they ran out of those little miniature hot dogs.
This pig displeases me.
Seize him! Fine! Go! I don't need you, you hear me? I don't need you! I can always get another secretary.
I'll call Kelly's.
Or better yet-- Here, Gecko.
You pledge to uphold the office of secretary of state? ( whimpers ) I'll take that as a "yes.
" If we're to be effective as a band of rebels trying to bring down the Duckman regime, we must be in top fighting condition.
Come at me.
I'll show you.
( yelling ) Oh, hi.
Cornfed, as members of the first family, we've grown disillusioned with our lives of decadence and hubris.
And we want to save Dad from his raging Eggo.
Ajax, you mean "ego.
" Oh.
Once again, I've confused Dad's psyche with a toasted breakfast food, although the image of fighting off a bloodthirsty waffle will forever remain a favorite in the playground of my mind.
I can't let you join us, boys.
Regardless of the circumstances, the notion of teaching you to betray your own father paralyzes me with guilt.
He called you a whiny, little, trough-licking turncoat, who talks in a deep voice to overcompensate for his inadequacies with women.
We'll start with "12 Ways to Impale a Man on a Palm Frond.
" ( screaming ) ( crashing ) AJAX: Eww! ( mob chanting angrily ) Cornfed Cornfed I want him executed! But he's not here.
Then have this magazine executed! Senor Presidente, we have scoured the countryside.
Cornfed and his band of marauders are nowhere to be found.
All right.
Time for my secret weapon.
Uncage the invisible psychic flying monkeys.
Such a thing does not exist.
Small-minded fool.
Just because you're not invisible and psychic like me and my monkeys, must you criticize everyone that is? Charles and Mambo, you infiltrate the palace via hand-dug tunnels.
Ajax, you blow open the gates with a crude bomb made from papayas and fried plantains.
We'll all rendezvous in the palace gardens at 10:00 Eastern, Any questions? What's all this about? Once again, the U.
S.
is spending millions to oust a puppet they spent millions to get into office.
They'll spend more millions on the cover-up to hide having spent those millions and even more millions to discredit members of the media who report otherwise.
It's a good thing they print their own money.
Dad's a puppet? That would explain his eerie silence every time Shari Lewis drinks a glass of water.
BERNICE: * Stop crying over me * * Puerto Guano.
* Listen to them.
How dare the poop-ulace accuse me of squandering this country's savings.
Duckman, something's missing.
Aah! You're right! Where's my collection of early colonial wooden butt plugs? No, it's the boys.
I haven't seen them for hours-- several hundred hours.
Ouch! Duckman, they've left to join Cornfed's band of rebels.
Everyone's deserting us.
I'm getting out of here while I still can.
Traitor! Have her shot.
But she's already gone.
Then have her statue shot.
Cover me.
Gadzooks.
Some hooligan left the gate ajar.
Whoa! ( yells ) CROWD ( chanting ): Work it out with us! Work it out with us! Stop, you fools.
Look upon my chest of medals in fear.
Okay, okay.
Like any great political figure, I'll buy your love.
As a reward to all who support my administration, I will give each of you ten centavos.
Of course, to finance such a generous gift, I have to raise your taxes by 11 centavos.
CROWD: Work it out with us! Work it out with us! ( panting ) ( farting ) Et tu, Grandma-Ma? Well, take that.
( farting ) ( crowd yelling ) General, my faithful right-hand man.
And with me, that term has a lot of extra meaning.
( whimpers ) El Duckman, since you've plundered our economy, we've decided to make up for it by turning your execution into a pay-per-view spectacular.
Will it be this lovely guillotine Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! This brand-new electric chair Ahh! Ahh! Ahh! Or a conversation with Kathie Lee? Cody said the cutest thing today.
Have you no mercy? ( gasping ) Good people, Duckman has crippled your economy, ravaged your natural resources, shattered your spirit.
Still, his name is on all my stationery.
( whistles ) ( rumbling ) ( all gasp ) ( grunts ) ( whinnies ) ( crowd yelling ) That's the second dream vacation slash near-death experience you've put us through, Duckman.
I'm starting to rethink our Christmas getaway to Iraq.
Ingrates.
Next time I become dictator of a small Latin American country, the first thing I'll do is kill everyone before they can turn on me.
No lesson is ever lost on you, Duckman.
Fascinating, isn't it? History shows us that however well-intentioned a revolt may be, people are still imperfect as rulers.
No matter who you elect, eventually, they grow corrupt.
Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
Even in a society with an informed electorate, ( snoring ) one that is willing to examine all aspects do things in but not without going ( snoring ) Shoes Cheese Never mind.
( snoring ) ( Duckman whistling like a falling missile ) Pah! Got 'em! ( chuckling )