Eastbound & Down s03e08 Episode Script

Whoo! (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (SCREAMING) (CHEERING) (LAUGHING) (CHATTERING) Hey, beautiful! Are you talking to me? No, I'm talking to your friend, uh, Jon Lovitz over here.
Fuck, yes, I'm talking to you.
What's happening? Asshole.
Oh, come on, don't call me an asshole.
They sell sunscreen to everybody.
I got a question for you.
And that is Why am I so damn hot in here? Yeah, what you know about money, girl? What you know about money, girl? We should go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay, ladies, let me just break it down for you, okay? Before you make yourselves look any stupider.
I'm a closing pitcher for Texas, girl.
And I close in more ways, than just on the mound.
Well, that's good news, cause I don't date athletes.
Oh, not yet you don't.
Right? First time for everything, huh? Go on.
Go, go.
Hey, hey, slow down.
Wait up.
Look, hey, uh I'm drunk, okay, and I'm, uh I was, I was acting like a jerk, and that's, that's not me.
I mean I mean, it is me, I'm a baseball player, but I'm not a dumb jock, and I (STAMMERING) Look, I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that stuff.
I was rely nervous, and (SIGHS) It's because I like you.
Okay? (HORN BLARING) (SCREAMING) (SCREAMING) Oh my God! Shit.
(GURGLING) Aw, aw Oh, shit, no, no.
Somebody call an ambulance.
What are we gonna do? We got playoffs, B.
Playoffs! I'm fine (CHOKING) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) (HEARTFELT MUSIC PLAYS) Hey, you.
It's kinda quiet without, uh, little dude here.
Huh? It's fucking awesome.
Finally shit's back to normal.
I'm once again a single thick-dick swinging bachelor, no dumb baggage to fucking carry me down.
(LAUGHS) Thank you, Christ, for allowing all this awesome stuff to happen.
Hey, Kenny, you know, I was thinking If you want, Maria and I could do some redecorating.
Maybe swap out some of these hot babes for some new hot babes.
That way when Toby comes back to visit, he's got some new shit to get baby hard to.
I wouldn't hold your breath on that.
The kid's gone.
The sooner we accept that, the better we'll be.
As soon as we get this nursery changed back into my dojo, I can get my shit fucking ripped again.
Okay, aye, aye, Captain.
What the fuck is that? (MARIA SPEAKS IN SPANISH) STEVIE: Fuck.
Holy shit.
It's Spurgen, the hermit crab.
He lives in a fucking bowl? He must be getting high as fuck! Goddamnit.
Now I gotta figure out what to do with this dumb thing.
If I were you, I would smash the fuck out of that crab with a hammer.
MARIA: No.
No, no.
We This is Toby's favorite pet.
He probably misses him.
Maria, feed this fucking crab.
Okay.
Love you! MARIA: Love you, too.
Seems like you guys are happy again.
Mmm-hmm, this is awesome! Awesome.
(KNOCK ON DOOR) Peek-a-boo.
Just kidding.
Psyche your mind, it's me.
You wanted to see me? KENNY: What do you want to do? Offer your franchise star player a blowjob, slash, hand job For saving your stinky ass.
Star player That's exactly what I wanted talk to you about.
(SIGHS) You are no longer the star player of the Mermen.
Come on, man.
What the fuck are you talking about, dude? After I just saved your asses at the game You don't even play for the team anymore.
What the fuck are you talking about? Because you're playing for Texas.
What? You're getting called up, Kenny.
You gotta be shitting me.
I mean, finally, motherfuckers.
I knew this was gonna happen.
I just can't believe it took these dudes this long to figure it out.
Jesus Christ.
Their closer got hit by a truck.
Now that Ivan fucking sucks, I'm the logical choice.
Ha.
I've been wanting to kick your old, worthless ass off my team for such a long time.
Well, I look forward to never seeing your wrinkly fucking face again, either.
Fuck you, you fat, fucking honky.
And fuck you too, you black dick licker.
(BOTH LAUGHING) You shit's licker! Fuck you! Oh, fuck you and your Mama too! (LAUGHING) I hope you get AIDS.
Bye, bye, motherfucker! PROFESSOR: These vessels follow the same course as your harmonious arteries.
But they return the blood into two different systems Everybody be cool, this isn't a school shooting! It's something far more fantastic.
Sir? Sir, yourself.
Where's Andrea? You can't keep storming into my classrooms.
We're broken up.
What? No, no, no, no.
That breakup wasn't real.
Sure, You betrayed me and my party, but that breakup was spoken in anger.
And, I'm sorry for that.
It didn't count.
It didn't? No, this is the breakup that counts.
(MURMURING) You're an asshole.
Easy, let's not get bitter, okay? I know a lot of you guys are looking at me and saying, "Hey, there's a dude who is exactly my same age.
" Well, truth be told.
I'm a grown-up, real person.
Sure your bodies might be tight.
You might like to have sex in amazing, cool, intricate positions.
But besides that shit all don't have a fucking clue.
The shit y'all are doing.
The fucking Facebook shit, the Internets, the fucking DVDS.
That's all bullshit.
Your shit isn't real.
But from where I'm standing, a full grown man, who has achieved his dreams.
Yeah, that's right.
I'm going back to the majors.
KENNY: My shit is about as real as it gets.
And besides, I can out-party, out-drink, and out-fuck, each of you.
Youth can suck my dick.
So unless you have anything to add.
Then consider this relationship over.
Have a nice life.
I'll never forget you.
And I know you won't forget me.
Cause I popped that cherry.
That's right, I tore it out for all you young guys.
(JOYFUL MUSIC) (LAUGHING) Saying good-bye to you, is gonna hurt.
I ripped up a lot of fucking awesome waves on this boogie board.
KENNY: Basically owned this goddamn beach.
Adios, friend.
We had a good time here in Myrtle.
But, now it is time to say goodbye to your glorious shores.
So crazy that this is the end.
It's not a bad thing, though, Stevie.
Don't be all sad and fucking melancholy.
It's Maria, you must be pretty happy though, huh? Texas has a fucking weather climate very similar to Mexico Except it doesn't stink like fucking buttholes and donkeys.
(LAUGHING) Hey, don't think I just didn't catch that fucking non-verbal loaded exchange, there.
Permission to speak freely, Kenny? Permission granted.
You know how you always say we're like Astronauts, or lead guitarists, and we're not cut out for family.
I said that about myself, but continue.
Okay, well.
I'm just starting to think like Maybe I am one of those pussies that does like family.
What the hell are you saying, Stevie? Kenny, Maria is pregnant.
How can you tell, man? I mean, she always looks like she's pregnant.
She pissed on one of those sticks.
I held it under her pussy myself.
It's legit, man.
Well, what the fuck, dude? We're gonna have to go and investigate some options, now.
Maybe an abortion clinic, dude.
The last thing we need in Texas, is another goddamn baby dragging us down.
Did you not learn anything from our time from Toby? Kenny.
That's what I wanted to talk to you about We're not going to Texas with you.
We're going to stay here and we're gonna build a life together, in Myrtle.
Stevie, have you thought this through? I mean, you're really willing to forgo All the status that'll come with being my associate? Give up your possible fucking co-starring role, in the reality series I'm developing? Huh? Yes.
What? You're, you're thinking about it? I've thought about it.
Kenny, we're staying in Myrtle.
(SCOFFS) (SIGHS) Well, I suppose if you're gonna do that, you're gonna need this.
What is this? It's the keys to the Panty Dropper.
If you're gonna stay in Myrtle, and become a man, then you're sure as hell, gonna need a man's water recreational vehicle.
(SOBBING) I don't know what to say.
I do.
Steven Bernard Janowski.
You are hereby relieved of your duties as my assistant.
You have served me well, hombre.
And I give you the right to name your child after me.
Regardless of gender.
Gracias.
For real? For reals, dog.
Come here, you two.
Come here.
Come here.
(LAUGHING) (MOANING) It's a special moment, guys.
(MOANING CONTINUES) (KNOCK ON DOOR) Kenny.
I wasn't expecting to see you again.
Yeah, well, surprise, surprise.
How's it feel to have your mind blown? I'm moving to Texas.
Got called up to the Majors, so Gonna go live a life of being much richer and famouser.
So you really got called up? Yup.
I put in the hard work, and did all the shit, and I beat this Russian.
And I earned my spot.
Congratulations.
I just stopped by actually because I found something that I think Toby's probably gonna want.
A marijuana pipe? Well, technically I use this pipe to smoke DMT.
But, now it's the home to Spurgen.
His hermit crab.
It's a pet.
Is it cool if I enter your domicile to return to him his property? Come on in.
Hey What's up, you little jerk? l got something for ya.
It's Spurgen.
It's your pet hermit crab.
You remember him? Also wanted to have a man-to-man talk with you, if that was cool.
Due to some recent events I don't think I'm going to be able to be around you, as As much as I have been in the past few weeks.
I've got an incredible job opportunity.
That is going to force me to relocate to a much dryer, more arid climate.
But I hope that you know that, while I'm gone All the wealth that I will acquire.
All the fame, and fortunes And all the women that I will bed.
I will be doing all that stuff, so that you'll be proud of me.
So that you can be proud of your dad.
APRIL: Kenny Just wanna thank you for coming by.
When you left me When we were gonna go to Tampa.
It hurt a lot.
And I know when I left you, it hurt you too.
And I just wanna say, I'm sorry.
I didn't just come back for Toby.
I mean, I did, but I also came back for you, too.
Well, your timing kinda sucks.
I'm getting ready to move to Texas and shit.
Right.
Not gonna really Not gonna be around.
I'm gonna go.
See ya, Toby.
Adios, April.
(DOOR CLOSES) (FOLK MUSIC PLAYING) (BREATHING DEEPLY) How you doing, Kenny? Yeah, I'm doing good.
Well, there's no time for a pep talk.
But, I would like to take a knee here with you and, say a prayer.
Will you pray with me? To, to Jesus? Yes, sir.
Okay, yeah.
Dear Jesus, we come to you with gratitude On this evening, with thanks for shepherding this man, Kenny Powers, to a personal victory.
The fact that we sit here, now, with you Lord, in this clubhouse.
Is proof that Kenneth Powers has successfully Sucked his dream's dick, Lord.
Thank you, Jesus.
Thank you, Jesus, for that.
Kenny sucked, and he stroked.
Kenny learned how to breathe through his nose while doin' it.
Kenny found a free finger to touch ass along the way.
And that took commitment, Lord.
But, you, and I, and Kenneth know that there is much more to come.
ROY: The finish line, Jesus.
Hallelujah! Give him strength of fist to stay among the stroke.
That you relax his throat, to, to embrace this bulging opportunity.
Give me strength, fucking Jesus.
Give him his strength, Lord Jesus.
Endless strength, fucking Jesus.
He's gonna bring the fortified ejaculation.
Mmm! Tonight, for the first time, in his own public demonstration in front of you! And the world, Jesus.
Super chill, Jesus Christ.
It's cum time.
And it's up to you, Kenny.
Spit or swallow? You know the answer Thank you, Jesus.
Amen.
Fuck yeah, Jesus.
Amen.
Take it down.
(EXHALES) (BREATHING DEEPLY) (CROWD CHANTING) CROWD: (CHANTING REPEATEDLY) Kenny! Kenny! All right, baby, one's the fucking fastball, two's the curve ball.
You got it.
Let's do it.
Let's go.
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC) (CHEERING CONTINUES) Strike! (CHEERING) KENNY: (ON AUDIO BOOK) That was the moment I realized I had finally achieved Everything I worked so hard for.
Despite the countless obstacles and adversities I faced along the way.
It was that exact moment, when I looked into that batter's eyes And I saw stone cold, child-like fear.
For the first time in so many moons, I felt I was in total control.
I held my own destiny in my hands, as sure as I held that baseball.
My future, everything, comes down to one final pitch.
(BOOING) (MURMURING) What the fuck? What the fuck, Kenny? (BOOING CONTINUES) Where the fuck are you going? Home, motherfucker.
(FOLK MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO) KENNY: I'm in a fucking Cameron Crowe movie! Whoo! (LAUGHING) Holy shit! Holy shit! KENNY: Whoo! Fuck me! (MUSIC BLARING FROM VAN) Whoo, they gonna be pissed.
(ENGINE ACCELERATING) (TIRES SCREECHING) (PHONE RINGING) One of baseball's greats, Kenny Powers, has perished in a horrific car accident.
ANCHOR ON TV: A pitching phenomenon and a controversial figure KENNY: (ON AUDIO TAPE) The moments directly following a comeback, are hands fucking down the sweetest part.
When everybody you've ever known, the whole world in fact, celebrates your success.
Everyone gets some.
The little people who acted as stepping stones on your path to success They can brag to their children about how they aided you.
Even if it was only in some stupid, insignificant way.
Even the enemies you've made along the way They have to begrudge the fact that you've shoved their jealousness, lack of faith, and spite Right back in their fucking hater faces.
But I imagine it's probably sweetest for those that truly believed in you.
Those that stood by you through the good times And the not so good times.
Standing by a champion is a feat unto itself.
I mean, it's not as much work as actually doing the comeback, but it still should count for something.
I hope this inspirational novel story helps to give you inspiration, in your attempts to stop being a regular, normal person.
And to start being a champion instead.
Dreams and riches do come true for some people.
Take it from me, Kenny Powers.
I'm out.
The endof the book.
I cannot find my phone.
I think I left in my purse.
(DOOR BELL RINGS CONTINUOUSLY) KENNY: Big Cannons.
What in the fuck? I'm alive.
I I can see that.
The news said I know what the news said.
I'm sorry.
I would've been here sooner, but I had to get my truck back.
Kenny, what is going on? Your hair is bleached.
I know, it's to conceal me.
Now, just calm down.
Hear what I have to say.
When I came back from Mexico I made you a promise That I would do whatever it takes, to make this thing work.
And I failed you on that promise.
I was hypnotized by my vast fame and my immense power.
My incredible ego had gotten the better of me.
I used to think that the only way to live was by winning And now I realize that, sometimes, losing is cool too.
How do you mean? Well, like, having a family.
I mean, not that having a family is losing.
I mean, it's winning, kind of, but you know what The bottom line, I want to be there for you, April.
I want to be there for Toby.
I want to be there for our fucking family.
Kenny, everybody thinks you're dead.
I know.
This was the only way.
The press would have never left us alone.
Really? Mmm-hmm.
You couldn't have just stayed in the majors and me and Toby could have come with you? Uh-uh.
Just No, I don't think that I don't think that would've worked.
I'm pretty sure this is the right choice for our family.
Come inside, you son of a bitch.
(TRUCK LOCKING DEVICE BEEPS) (PIANO SONG PLAYS)