Footballers' Wives (2002) s03e08 Episode Script

Looks like someone's got a crush.
He's a sweet kid.
Just a bit full on.
- I need a game, something private.
- Something discrete? Exactly.
And how about something illegal? (Shouting) What? You're not allergic to oysters, by any chance? (Mobile) Hope you had a lovely time with my husband.
Oh, erm, maybe I should have warned you.
I don't think he goes for the Freddy Krueger look.
(Screams) Please put your arms around me.
Sorry, babe.
Didn't mean to wake you up.
I thought I was supposed to go off in a huff, not you.
Well, I did call, didn't I? A drink with some of the lads, you said.
I didn't think that meant an all-nighter.
Yeah, well, I didn't reckon on that either.
Look all that stuff about Chardonnay's bloody dress, I'm over it, OK? I just want us to move on.
- (Groans) - What? Elaine, don't panic or anything.
- Jesus, Kyle! - It's not as bad as it looks.
I'll get the first-aid kid.
Elaine.
- Jackie.
- Elaine.
Jackie, wake up.
It's Kyle.
Please let me get you a scan.
It looks worse than it is.
I'm fine.
- Did you see their faces? - No.
Look, it was my fault.
- I shouldn't have gone to a back street.
- How was it your fault? Playing for a rival gives them the right to kick the living daylights out of you? No, I don't think so and neither will the police.
- Eh? - Well, you might remember something.
I don't know.
A tattoo, whatever.
They've got some of these thugs on file.
- No.
I don't want to involve the police.
- Of course you do.
- I said no police.
- They're on their way.
I just called them.
Well, you better call them back and tell them it was a false alarm.
- What are you on about? - I mean it, Mum.
- What's going on, Kyle? - Look, it was my fault.
I started it.
- What? - Brilliant.
It's my first day back at Sparks Monday.
I can't cock it up.
Will you make the call? So someone has a go at Sparks and you pick a fight.
- Not exactly, no.
- So what, then? - You don't want to know.
- You'd better believe I do.
It wasn't Sparks they started on.
It it was you.
They erm They said to me that I must be desperate for shagging Well, I can't repeat what they said.
They deserved it.
Bloody hell.
(Phone) Hello? (Tanya) 'Amber, I just thought I'd call to say thank you.
' - 'Thank me for what? ' - The facial peel.
Careful what you say, Tanya.
Surely you're not suggesting I had anything 'Shut up, you nut job.
You've done me a favour.
' My beautician says it's the perfect anti-ageing treatment.
You should try it.
Takes five years off me, Dawn says.
I am going to look so fantastic for the team party.
Do you know what? You're going to have to check me out in the official photos, cos, funnily enough, you're not invited.
Ta-ta.
This had better work or you are so sacked.
Bleedin' hell, Shannon.
- The swelling goes down.
- It's like a clog's in your mouth.
- I'm going to look like Angelina Jolie.
- I hope so.
Mick Jagger's not my type.
Relax, love.
You went all mental before I got my tits done.
Now you can't keep your hands off them.
Yeah, well, I suppose that's fair enough.
Ow! No snogging.
- Well, what's the point, then? - Just a couple of days.
Then they're all yours.
You know what I mean? (Buzzer) Thanks for letting me come round.
I'm just happy you called.
I've missed you, Con.
- I've been so lonely for you.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
I'll make it all up to you.
I promise.
I'm sorry you've been lonely, but we need to get this sorted out.
It's what I think you'll need financially, what you're due.
- Take it to your lawyers.
It's fair.
- No.
- Then I'll be petitioning you for divorce.
- What? So that Tanya Quasimodo Turner can marry you! I don't think so.
Forget it! Don't fight me.
I've been more than generous.
You were with that dirty slag last night.
How can you ditch me for that? - How do you know about that? - It's in all the papers.
I just wish the stuff had burned her bloody eyes out! What do you mean "the stuff"? Whatever it was she put on her face.
- Jesus.
- Why can't you see her for what she is? I thought it was an allergy or something.
- Somehow it was you.
- Conrad, she's a liar.
Just look at the way you're playing into her hands.
- It's what she's always wanted.
- Amber, it's over.
It's got nothing to do with Tanya Turner and everything to do with you.
The way you lie.
The way you use people.
The way you're acting now.
I don't want to be with you! So just take it to your lawyers and let's get on with it! You'll be sorry.
Keep 'em closed.
No peeping.
There you go.
You said you were too scared to drive my car, so there you go.
It's all yours.
Oh, Kyle! You've given me so much already.
I don't need any more presents.
You got the bad side of being with a footballer.
- Might as well have the good bits, too.
- I've already got the best bit.
Oh.
Thank you.
Yeah, take it as an apology.
All the shit with the dress and well, you know.
I just can't stand that you got hurt trying to protect me.
I'd do anything for you.
Then get yourself to training and do me proud.
Yes, boss.
Oh, and, Kyle.
If anyone gives you any crap about me, just ignore them, OK? What do you reckon? It's a good thing he don't play with his face, cos that's a mess.
- But so far, so good.
- Elaine's done a good job.
Oi, Lawson! On the overlap! Muppet.
Well, let's pray he stays out of trouble, eh? I don't believe in God, Webbsy.
I'd rather he had a talking-to from his manager.
What do you think I've been doing all morning, kissing his arse? I don't care if you have to shag him, so long as he's on form for the match.
Oi, Gates! - Nice one, Noah.
- Cheers.
Good to see you smiling again.
New boyfriend? No, just playing the field a bit.
But I don't have to advertise it down here and I don't see why I can't have some fun if I'm careful.
- Good man.
- It just feels good not to feel like a freak.
It's all up there, mate.
Your choice.
- Cheers.
- (Whistle) (Roger) All right, lads, in the showers! Graham, you shouldn't come here.
If you answered your phone, I wouldn't have to.
Yeah, yeah, it's erm been playing up.
Clear your slate, Kyle.
You owe me 900K and I don't like IOUs.
- I'm sorting it.
- Are you just? There's a fight next week.
You want me to get you in? They're counting heads.
I don't know, mate, after the earful I got over this.
You don't have to get in the ring.
It's up to you.
Let me know by tomorrow.
Kyle I don't want a cheque this time.
All right? (Doorbell) Conrad, I'm not really up for visitors at the moment.
I was worried.
I'm fine.
I'm just you know.
Can I come in for a minute? OK, then, but just give me a minute so I can put a bag over my head.
(Sighs) You don't deserve this.
(Sobs) Oh, God.
Just leave me alone.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's only me.
Oh, God.
I look like a bloody car crash.
It was her, Conrad.
I know you don't believe me, but it was.
Yeah, you're right.
I don't know how she did it.
I'm so sorry.
Look, you didn't have to come round.
It's not your fault, is it? I care about you, Tanya.
How can you? Look at me.
You're beautiful.
Don't make fun.
I mean it.
I don't want to cause any more trouble.
- Amber will go mad.
- It's not about Amber.
I don't want to see you go through any more shit and Well, I suppose we're not doing anything wrong.
I don't want to take advantage.
Screw it up.
- So there is an "it", then? - Always has been, hasn't there? Good.
Let's take things slowly.
Yeah, I'd like that.
Just see how it goes.
Thanks for caring.
I reckon sometimes we just need each other, you know.
Yeah, well, don't worry.
I'm not going to start stalking you or faking my own kidnap or anything.
Appreciated.
(Gasps) OK, that's brilliant.
Really lovely.
Right, Dan, set up for by the pool.
I'll get me bikini on.
I thought we might do the interview now, since we've got Harley here, too.
Yeah.
Listen, you haven't spoken to me agent, though.
Besides, Shannon said you just wanted a couple of pictures of t'new house.
Yeah.
At home with the Lawsons.
That's me and you, baby.
Dead shy, you know.
All right.
Just keep it to t'house.
Anything you need to know about my modelling, I am fine about that.
Of course.
So, Harley, it must seem like a bit of a dream to you, signing with Sparks, getting married and moving into this fantastic new house and you're still 17.
Well, Shannon really liked the place and I'm earning pretty well now, so And we need it now we're married, for the kiddies, right, Har? Once we're ready, of course.
But it wasn't really right staying in that poxy club flat.
Harley's been here months and scores more goals than some I could mention.
- Shannon.
- I'm just dead proud of you, babe.
Harley's proud of me an' all.
Paid for this lot so I can further me own career.
I don't want to sponge off me husband just cos he's minted.
- I am different from them trophy wives.
- I was going to say you're looking great.
It's erm really changed your image.
Oh, ta very much.
Did I say I was getting an agent? (Letter box rattles) Shannon, what are you doing, slagging t'club off to t'press? - Are you trying to get me sacked? - It's OK, they're not gonna stitch us up.
I have just made us a fortune.
How about a thanks? Yeah, behind me back you made it.
And what's this about you getting an agent? I was blagging, wasn't I? But I am gonna get one.
What for? You're not even a model.
Look, I have been advised, yeah? I'm in the public eye now.
And OK, it's because of you, but I'm getting loads of interest.
I need someone I can rely on to help with my PR.
Look, we are celebrities now.
Stars.
Don't you want me to shine? Come here.
Cheers, H.
I know if I speak to her, it will be the same thing all over.
I seem to add fuel to the fire.
Can't her flipping parents sort her out? They're not in the picture.
They never approved of what she does for a living.
- I'll give her a call.
- What about the graffiti? Tanya's getting it painted.
Car's insured.
Your wife wants locking up, Gates.
(Hazel) Christ, let's be realistic, shall we? You've got a pissed-off ex.
We don't need the publicity.
So we'll deal with it privately, got it? I've got a team to train.
I'll see you out on the pitch.
- Police we don't need.
- No shit.
So stop provoking her.
Stay away from Tanya.
- It's my life, Hazel.
- Yeah? Well, if Amber starts blabbing to the cops, you ain't got one, mate.
Hey, how'd it go? I'll have to get it painted again but at least you can't see the writing.
I spoke to Hazel.
She's going to have a word.
Good.
I've got to sort out this bloody team party with Roger and Hazel.
I mean, I know it's what Frank would have wanted, but to be honest I'm sorry.
I guess I'm still a bit shaken.
What about getting away for a few days? Let Hazel speak to Amber.
Take your mind off the whole thing.
- What, you and me? - Well, no, er I don't know.
With friends or something.
I've got training, haven't I? I thought we were taking it slowly.
That's what I thought.
I was wondering what you meant.
Are you coming, mate? What's with him? Can't he see we're talking? He's giving me a lift home.
Shit, Tanya, you're beginning to sound like Amber.
No.
Sorry, I think I just need a bit of space.
That's all.
- I'll see you some time.
- Look after yourself, OK? (Hazel) Just lay off him till Amber settles down, will you? He's doing all the running.
It's not my fault she's a fruit loop.
You've got shares in this club, babe.
Try to think of your wallet for a second, instead of your knickers.
Fine.
Just get the crazy bitch put down or something, cos she's getting on my wick.
You and me both.
Right.
Is this the guest list? Yeah.
Frank had it half done before he died.
I've tried me best but I need your Roger to look at it.
Noah Alexander.
Is it just me or is he one of yours? - What, a lesbian? - Gay, I mean.
He's never with a girl.
He's too bloody young to know what he is.
Why, are you interested? Good-looking kid.
I'd have a bash myself if I was that way inclined.
Anyway, seen him with a couple of groupies.
Flirting his bollocks off, he was.
(Door opens) Roger, good.
Tanya's brought the guest list for the team party.
I'll leave you to it.
See if I can't straighten out our little Bollywood psycho.
Laters.
Bye.
All right, Tanya, let's do this quickly.
I've had a hell of a day.
Lads playing up? You of all people should know, love.
It ain't the lads that's the problem.
Never was.
- Keep the change.
It's my birthday.
- Thanks.
(Excited chatter) I don't need a bloody psychiatrist.
I just need my husband back.
Dr Russell's top banana.
She'll help you.
Sparks'll pick up the tab, so don't worry about that.
Don't act like the club's helping me out.
You all turned your backs on me when it counted.
Wives should be able to let their husbands go to work without sluts like Tanya frigging Turner pouncing on 'em.
And you should have stopped her.
You're having some sort of breakdown, Amber.
You've got to face it.
Well, we'll see just how nutty the press think I am when I give them a tell-all tale about Conrad and his match-fixing in Italy.
If you do that, it's the end of Conrad's career and your financial security.
And God knows, you'd never get him back.
And if it did come out, so would your false kidnap story, darling.
You'd be looking at a nice stretch for wasting police time.
Listen to me, sweetheart.
Listen to me.
It's no bloody wonder you're in a state.
Your marriage has broken down.
- It's a tough time.
- How would you know? I've had relationships.
Not in front of the whole bloody world you haven't.
You try being married to a footballer.
Always worried about being past your sell-by date, when he's surrounded by bimbos who'd give their right tit to spend an hour with him.
You find a way of dealing with that.
You try and make it part of the fun and games when all the time you just want him to want you.
And just when you're at your lowest and it's all gone to shit, you're plastered all over the papers for the bastards out there to laugh at.
You're right, Amber.
It sucks.
And I'll tell you what, I wouldn't want it.
So now you're on your own, you don't have to dance that dance any more.
I don't know how to be on my own.
Oh, come on, darling.
Come on.
OK, I'll sort out your invite.
I'll say you're with one of the sponsors.
Then a quick shag and you go quietly.
How much? A grand, but you tell nobody.
I'm talking total discretion.
Do you understand? You've got yourself a deal.
Are you sure you don't want me to stay with you? No, don't be silly.
You go and have fun.
Stop fussing, Elaine.
He's doing the right thing for once.
Putting his football before getting lashed.
I just feel a bit shitty.
I don't want to risk things.
- Yeah.
- Don't be nervous.
Everyone loves you.
Of course they do.
Come on.
I'll look after you.
OK, well, look after yourself while I'm away, OK? Bye, babe.
Noah, darling, I thought I told you to bring a girlfriend.
- I'm single at the moment.
- Shame.
Still, maybe you'll get lucky today, hm? Oh, you look fantastic.
Thank you.
Well, I've been looking after myself, like you said.
- It's been really healing.
- I've missed you.
Conrad, you know Elaine.
This is Kyle's physio and live-in partner now.
Yeah, you did a great job.
Thanks.
What a romantic story.
Nursing him through his injury, then falling in love.
Yeah.
Listen, I know it must be really difficult for you.
I mean, Chardonnay was one of your best friends She'd be happy Kyle wasn't on his own.
You're one of the gang.
We should do lunch.
I'll introduce you to the girls.
- I'd like that.
Thanks.
- Oh, and you, too, Jackie.
So er is it true, then, about you and Conrad? We're friends.
Tanya Turner back on the captain's arm.
You don't waste much time, do you? Nor do you.
It's just nice to see you with someone your own age finally.
Anyway, help yourself to some food and enjoy.
- Noah, isn't it? - Yeah.
I recognise you from the team.
I'm a fan.
I've even got a poster of you in my bedroom.
- Shut up.
- No, I swear.
You know the one where your flies undone just a little bit.
(Shouting) Put me down for a mil on the next one.
I'm going in.
- You're out of your depth, mate.
- I watch my face.
I can take it.
Sod your face.
I'm talking about what you already owe me.
You want paying or what? Gentlemen, please, give it up for Mickey Vincent! (Cheering) (# Upbeat '70s funk) Notice anything different about me, Darius? Don't know.
New make-up? - Contacts? - New lips, Darius.
- What do you reckon? - Yeah, nice one.
You don't have to keep banging on about it.
Why not? People don't know I used to be a flat-chested tub of lard There's no point in pretending I was born this way.
You should give it a go yourself, Darius.
Get summat sorted about them wing mirrors you call ears.
- Cheers.
- I'm not being mean.
But when your hair's wet, you look like you're going to take off.
My surgeon could well sort you out.
Enjoying yourself? I'd enjoy myself a lot more if you weren't so busy mingling.
- How have you been? - OK.
I've been doing a lot of thinking.
Mainly about you.
Hey, Tanya, shall we get on with this? Sure.
Could we bring that screen in now, darling? I'll see you later.
Firstly, I'd like to thank Tanya for going ahead with the annual team bash.
You know, Frank was piss proud of this team and he'd be pleased to hear that Kyle Pascoe will be in the starting line-up for the biggest game in this club's history.
(Cheering) Like a good boy, he's at home nursing a cold, so he is fully prepared for the match.
Oh! That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
You win.
Oi, you ain't finished yet.
I ain't breaking my leg again.
I got a big game coming up.
- You owe me a packet.
- I'll pay you.
Don't piss me about.
I don't want to get dark with you.
- I said I'll pay you.
- How? Cos you just run out of credits.
So, listen up, as far as we're concerned, Saturday may as well be cup final day.
It's winner takes all.
We get placed, maybe even she'll start smiling.
(Laughter) - And you lot, you get a holiday.
- (All cheer) To get you in the mood, not only have we gone '70s to remind you of the glory years, but the girls in the office have made up a tape of this season's highlights.
What you're capable of when you keep your eyes open and do everything I say.
So look and learn.
- (Gasping) - (Woman) Oh, my God.
Couldn't find the loo.
Haven't waited for me, have they? (Mumbling, then silence) How? (Crowd) Woo! You stupid, little poof! I told you to keep your dick in your shorts.
Some bloke wiggles his arse at you and you shag him in front of the entire team! - How was I supposed to know? - Oh! Shit, what am I gonna do? I've a good mind to let you bloody rot! - I'm so sorry, boss.
- You're sorry? Holy mother of God, have you got any idea what's going to happen? Every frigging team's going to be having a go! - So I'm gay! So what? - Listen, shit for brains.
- Gays don't make footballers.
- That's out of order.
That's the bloody truth, like it or not.
Christ! What are the United fans gonna be like if they find out? Of course they'll find out.
There's God knows how many guests and half a dozen journalists.
It was a spur of the moment thing.
I didn't think.
That's all it ever is with your bloody lot! A spur of the moment thing! Where are you going, eh? (Door slams) Playing the Nazi ain't gonna help, Roger! Oh, please, don't give me any of your right-on crap.
That little queer just gave it up the shitter in front of our sponsors, not to mention a bunch of hairy-arsed footballers.
All my work over the last few months, that's right down the shitter, ain't it? (Door opens and slams) Oh! (Phone) (Answering machine bleeps) 'Hi, it's Amber, sorry I can't take your call, 'but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you.
' 'Hello, Amber, it's Dr Russell here.
'We had a session booked for two o'clock this afternoon.
'Give me a call and let me know if you've forgotten, 'or if there's some other reason why you haven't turned up.
'I'd really like us to reschedule, Amber.
It's important.
Do let me know.
' (Answering machine bleeps) Just think, though.
We've been in t'showers with him.
I bet you he were eyeing us all up.
Just don't drop the soap, Darius.
Oh.
I tell you what.
I feel a bit queasy now.
Imagine sticking your dick up someone's bum.
Eugh.
Gross me out.
If you ever try and do that to me, I'd run a friggin' mile.
Come on, though.
It's not normal, is it? Not where I come from.
Where's that, the Virgin Islands? I'm out of here.
- Are you all right, mate? - What do you think? Head up, kid.
No going back now.
(Tanya) I'm so sorry, Noah.
I don't know how you got on the security system.
Someone's head's gonna roll.
I'm telling you.
It's them that's wrong, Noah, not you.
Yeah.
Poor baby.
Hey.
I'm sorry, mate.
You're going to get some serious shit from the papers for this.
No, it's my fault.
I didn't know this was going to happen.
And you're such a sweet guy.
Here's my number.
That's if you still want to call me.
Yeah.
I'd like that.
(Man) Never knew he was a poofter.
I'm going.
I'll end up belting someone if I have to listen to any more of that shit.
I'm really proud of you, the way you stood up for him.
You're special, Conrad.
Come back to mine, will you, after you've got rid of this lot.
- Oh, I don't know.
- Please.
I've been cool for a while now and, like I said, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
(Hazel) 'Amber, pick up.
'Dr Russell called today.
Said you were a no-show.
What's going on? 'Amber? ' Oh, God.
I feel guilty.
About Amber? Forget it.
- She's got no right to tell me.
- No, it's Noah.
God, poor kid must be so cut up.
I know he's got a thing about you.
He probably needs you.
Maybe you should go to him.
Noah's a sweet bloke, but he's not my problem.
I've needs of my own.
You're so lovely.
Always putting everyone else first.
Understanding me.
Then try and understand me, Conrad.
Maybe I shouldn't say it but you make my heart beat like it should.
Don't use me.
I'm too vulnerable right now.
Then move in.
I mean it.
- What about taking things slowly? - You're in that mausoleum of Frank's.
I'm bouncing off the walls here.
Life's too short.
Shit, Tanya.
I want you.
Oh, my God! Tanya, get the ladder.
Get the ladder.
Get a knife from the kitchen.
Get a knife from the kitchen! (Conrad) Don't worry, Amber.
I've got you.
It's all right.
It's going to be all right.
I'm here.
Just stay breathing.
Amber, look at me.
Amber? Will you hurry up with that knife? Hurry up, Tanya, will you? I'll get her inside.
Call a doctor.
(Echo of men shouting) Jesus.
Morning, babe.
You're up early.
Yeah, I've just been making some plans.
- Bit of a surprise, actually.
- What are you up to? Well, seeing how great you and Mum have been, helping me through my injury and putting up with my bad temper - Yeah, cos we love you.
- Yeah, and I love you both, too.
That's why I've booked you a couple of days in Milan.
Kyle! Thank you.
Oh, you're the best.
(Roger) That's it.
We've got to get rid.
This team will not work with a bum boy in its midst.
I've had enough of your homophobic shit, Rog.
We've got to firefight it, that's all, and protect Noah.
- Yeah, sack him.
- Oh, please.
You can't sack him cos he's gay.
This is the 21 st century.
We'll find another reason to sack him.
I can think of plenty.
You wanna protect him, you get him away from a game that don't want him.
You watch your gob, matey.
I ain't having it! It was me who told the kid to keep quiet.
Maybe it would have been better out in the open.
- Are you telling me you knew? - I've known for a while.
And he confided in me cos, strangely enough, he was worried about what you lot would think! How the hell am I supposed to manage this team if you go behind my back? - It was a private conversation! - Private, my arse! Look at this mess he's got us into.
I'm telling you, Hazel, he's gotta go.
Cos if he doesn't go, then I will.
Go home and get some sleep.
When the doctor's gone, I'll get some of her stuff.
- What do you mean? - It's better she's here.
I can't have her going back to that flat in this state.
What about the hospital? You said that being round you just sets her off again.
She needs some stability until we get her the right help.
I don't know.
Let's just see what the doctor says.
I knew it.
She's finally broken you, hasn't she? All that stuff about me moving in.
She tried to top herself, Tanya.
I don't want to be with her but I've got a responsibility.
It's just till she gets back on her feet again.
Right, I'll leave you to it, then.
- How is she? - Well, she's had some sleep, at least and the burns on her neck are just superficial.
I'm sure you'll be relieved to know that everything is still all intact.
Right.
We'll have to find another way to treat her psychological problems, though.
But, in the meantime, I'd suggest you keep a close eye on her.
I've told her to stop taking the antidepressants.
Doesn't she need them? Yes, but er they're not appropriate in her condition.
They could result in foetal abnormalities.
What? I just assumed.
Sorry.
Didn't you know she was pregnant? We were called to investigate a case of motor vehicle theft from your property.
The thing is, sir, we've recovered the vehicles, and they weren't stolen, they were sold.
Do you know anything about this, sir? Oi! Oi! I told you I'd sort it, didn't I? You had to poke your nose in, didn't you? - Kyle, what the hell - And you're just as bad.
- Mr Pascoe, I'm arresting you - Get off me! I have got a life, too, you know.
Yeah, if that's what you want to call lying in a bog pissed out your skull, then fine.
Harley? Harley, come back here now!