Fresh Off The Boat (2015) s03e08 Episode Script

1 You're too generous, Lianne, thank you for the gift.
Lianne: Of course.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you, too.
God, I am so good at realty.
They came.
[Laughs.]
They're more gorgeous than I could have imagined.
They're for me and Marvin.
On Christmas day, we're gonna cook goose chili in the driveway while drinking holiday ale and wearing matching custom PJs.
Smart.
Personalizing it with embroidery so I can't return it.
Okay, boys, Grandma, get in here.
My satisfied client just gave me six free movie passes as a Christmas gift, so I'm taking us all to see "Jingle All the Way.
" - Schwarzenegger! - Sinbad! I heard it's the best Christmas movie since "Home Alone.
" I think you forgot about "The Santa Clause.
" Did I? [Scoffs.]
What are you even debating? All Christmas movies are great, just like all Denzel movies.
Mom, what if Denzel did a Christmas movie? It's like you can see into my soul.
Okay.
Well, the passes are for the Regal.
The next showing is at 7:00.
What time is it? Uh, 4:15.
[Sighs.]
So we're already late.
We have to move if we want to get the best middle-row seats.
Okay, Evan, go put on some cargo pants and make some popcorn and stuff it in the pockets.
Louis, go take the pajamas to Marvin next door.
Everybody else, get changed.
Let's go.
Let's go.
I hope you don't mind, but I pre-buttered the Mommy? Aaaaaaah! These are still hot.
S03E08 Where are the Giggles Fresh off the boat I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go If you don't know, homey, now you know Fresh off the boat Homey, you don't know where I come from But I know where I'm goin' I'm fresh off the boat Jessica, you look so Christmasy.
When did you buy that sweater? Oh, I borrowed it from Honey.
Can I jingle a bell? Of course.
[Laughs.]
I'm so excited everything is done on my to-do list, except prepping my Lao Ban Santa outfit.
Evan loved it so much last year.
Santa is Chinese.
Yes.
The mole application alone takes 45 minutes, but it's necessary to hide my beauty.
Well, the effort you put into those presents shows.
The boys love their gifts Eddie's Glo Worm, Emery's yo-yo, Evan's Power Ranger.
- Power Ranger Megazord.
- Oh.
The key is to buy the hottest toys the day after Christmas when they go on sale, and then give them to the boys the following year.
It's so special to give a gift that makes our children happy at a price that makes me happy.
Christmas is a tool of the white capitalist establishment.
What? That's why this year, I'm celebrating Kwanzaa.
Nas talked about it in The Source magazine.
He also talked about his favorite pickle stores in the Bronx.
It was a great read.
Wait, what's Kwanzaa? You don't know what Kwanzaa is? You don't know what Kwanzaa is.
Oh, Jessica, hey.
Could you guys scooch over to open up a couple of middle seats for me and Richard? Do not make eye contact.
My husband has acute-angle glaucoma, so he has to sit dead center.
It acts up when I stare at anything from a side angle.
Um, I don't believe you, but even if I did, we got here two hours early for a reason, so Sorry.
[Movie fanfare playing.]
Evan, popcorn.
Evan! [Window rattles.]
[Wind howling.]
Don't be scared.
I'll protect you.
[Telephone rings.]
Ahoy? - Marvin, it's - Hey, Chili Boy Lou! I would normally respond with a "Chili Boy Marv," but we have a bit of an emergency.
We're at the movies and accidentally left Evan at home.
Could you check on him? Yeah.
Yeah, I can see him from here.
[Giggles.]
He looks like he's talking to a small pig.
[Exhales.]
He's talking to Oinker.
He's okay.
Yeah, he's fine.
Just like these PJs.
Ha-ha, have you tried the spice pocket? Marvin, we're heading home, but can you go over and double check that Evan is okay? Oh, a mother's love is a beautiful thing.
Yeah, I'll grab my spare key and head right over.
Oh, just curious.
What movie were you guys seeing? "Jingle All the Way.
" Hold on.
Do not blow a chance to see this movie.
I've seen it three times.
- It's a riot.
- But Evan I can watch Evan for a few hours.
Trust me.
Did you see the movie "Twins"? This is almost as good.
Santa: Put them up.
Howard: No thanks, buddy.
I'm not about to hit a Santa Claus.
[Laughter.]
Chick, chick, chick, chick.
Chick, chick, chick! Evan? Ah! Oof.
[Screams.]
Uncle Marvin? How long have you had a key? I don't have a key.
Mm.
Ohhh.
"And now you see," said the turtle, "why it is useless to cry.
" Amy Tan has lived life.
What? Marvin, are you okay? [Groaning.]
Yeah.
Ah, ow.
Oh.
It's just the old L5 vertebrae acting up on me.
I said I would get Honey to help, but he refused.
No one can tell her.
She can never know I'm old.
All right.
Sorry about that, Marvin.
Ah, don't worry about it.
I got scared, and I was trying to protect the house.
So I set a trap.
Oh, my poor baby.
I never want you to be scared.
Come here.
Sorry, hugs are for Mommies who remember their babies.
Whoa.
Well, if you knew how worried we were about you, you wouldn't be mad.
Sure, when I'm worried, I sit down and watch a 90-minute light comedy, too.
Not.
Evan, Mommy made a mistake.
But she's gonna make it up to you.
How about an extra toy for Christmas this year? That's okay, Mom, I know you didn't mean to forget me.
I'm mad, but I'll cool off in the tub.
No, I insist.
You know how I always get you last year's best toy? What if I get you this year's best toy this year? Any toy you want.
Name it.
- Tickle Me Elmo.
- Done.
[Laughs.]
Lady, Tickle Me Elmos have been sold out everywhere for weeks.
They're impossible to find.
You white people love throwing around that word "impossible.
" "Oh, Jennifer, my bangs are impossible.
" Okay.
Fine.
Um, they're not impossible, but it's very difficult.
You can try checking this rare-toy website.
I'll write down the address.
Hey, I couldn't help but overhear, you're looking for a Tickle Me Elmo? Yes.
Do you have one? I do.
It's yours.
You've been served.
Marvin is suing us? [Clears throat.]
Since you asked, Kwanzaa is a week-long celebration of the West African Diaspora in the Americas.
So what day does Kwanzaa fall on? I have to go to the bathroom.
[Groans.]
What's wrong? Marvin is suing us for his back injury.
I don't know what I'm going to say to your mother.
I don't think you should tell her.
It's gonna ruin her Christmas.
I know, but [Doorbell rings.]
Hey, Chili Boy Lou.
Hey, you mind if I store my ham hocks over here? Why are you acting so casual like nothing happened? Oh, oh, don't worry, I'm fine.
Honey gave me a muscle relaxer.
My spine's all loosey-goosey.
No, I'm talking about you suing me.
I'm not suing you.
I'm suing your insurance.
I get paid out for my injury, everything's fine.
It's not fine.
Drop the lawsuit.
Ah, don't be a ninny.
You know what, I don't want to be around anyone who would do this, especially on Christmas.
I can't believe I was gonna wear matching pajamas with you.
And I can't believe you're in the pocket of big insurance.
So, this is our latest desktop computer with DSL connection.
It has a Pentium processor and Ma'am? This isn't the public library.
If you're not serious about buying a computer This is my son.
Oh, my gosh.
Is he missing? Yes a Tickle Me Elmo.
It is his Christmas wish, and I'm not going to disappoint him.
Oh, yes! There's someone selling one in Orlando.
[Gasps.]
Oh, how cute.
Looks like the Elmos are tickling her.
Okay, Smushy, time for another muscle relaxer for your back pain.
And I'm just gonna say this one last time.
Please don't sue our neighbors and best friends, the Huangs.
Sorry, babe, where I come from, if someone has insurance, you sue it.
[Sighs.]
Maybe with age, I'd let something like this slide.
But right now, I'm virile and angry.
[Chuckles.]
Fine.
If you need me, I'm gonna be in our bedroom trying to figure out where I put my bell sweater.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
Emery: Wake up, Uncle Marvin.
Emery? You look like you've seen a ghost.
I am a ghost.
I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past.
And I'm here to show you something.
Hey, I-I know this place.
- This is your house.
- Not yet.
Ooh.
H-Honey.
Sweetie, what are you doing over here? She can't hear you.
We're in the past.
[Latin music playing.]
[Laughs.]
Hey, hey.
All right.
Oh, no.
Ronaldo.
He lived here before we moved in, didn't he? Yeah, and he was always offering Honey free dance lessons that she innocently took him up on.
Yes.
Get your hands off her, you scoundrel.
More hips, more hips.
No hips, no hips.
I was so thankful when he moved out and you family moved in.
So thankful you're now suing us? Does nobody understand how insurance works? You've seen what I came here to show you.
But, before Christmas, you'll be visited by two more spirits.
Ahh! [Breathing heavily.]
Why can't my Barbra Streisand dreams be that vivid? [Doorbell rings.]
Hi, Deirdre.
So, Richard's blind.
Ever since your little power play the other day at "Jingle All the Way," my husband's had blurry vision.
From sitting on the side? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I had to spend the whole day teaching him how many steps things are from other things.
He has a wider gait than I do, so I have to take longer steps.
It's been really challenging.
Okay, fine.
You're angry.
But I'm not here for me.
I'm here to buy a gift for Evan.
- No way.
- I'll pay top dollar.
Fine, come in.
So, this is my toy room, where I keep all the merchandise I sell online.
How come you have so many of the same doll? Those are Legal Rachels.
I bet wrong she was gonna be the hot item last Christmas.
Why is she holding a knife? Because she was supposed to take the law in her own hands.
So, what do you need? Tickle Me Elmo.
Oh.
Unfortch, those are both taken.
See, one goes into my vault where I keep rare toys to re-sell in the future, and the other is a Christmas present for my goddaughter Janice.
[Scoffs.]
She is so hard to please.
[Mockingly.]
"I only want a Tickle Me Elmo handed to me by Santa Claus.
" I was supposed to have a Christmas party for Janice and her kindergarten friends tomorrow, but Richard, who was going to be my Santa, is now blind.
I can get you a Santa.
No, you can't.
I already called, and everyone's booked on such short notice.
I can get one.
And when I do, will you sell me your vault Elmo? Yes.
Eddie: Yo, Uncle Marvin! Rise up.
Ah! Eddie.
Yeah, yeah, yeah Are you the Ghost of Christmas Present? No, pops, I'm the Ghost of Kwanzaa Present.
Well, I already spoke to your ghost brother.
I'm not dropping the suit.
Come with me.
[Indistinct conversation.]
[Laughter.]
I hope your tickling fingers are ready for Elmo's red body.
[Laughs.]
So ready.
Louis, what's wrong? I should have told you sooner, but Marvin is suing us for his injury.
It's okay.
Christmas is a season for forgiveness.
Besides, our insurance will cover it.
Really? It doesn't bother you? Well, I'm not thrilled our premium will go up an extra $4 a month.
It's not about the money.
I thought we were friends.
Where I come from, friends don't casually sue each other for insurance money.
I didn't realize their premium would go up.
Well, whatever.
It's only $4 a month.
What's only $4? Huh? I can't let you take your pills with beer anymore, sweetie.
You're sleepwalking.
Huh? Let's get you back home and put some pants on you.
Deidre: All right, come on, everybody.
Santa's gonna be here any minute.
Janice, come here.
You're in the front.
Hey, you, move.
That's Janice's spot.
All right, everybody ready? Okay.
I am Lao Ban Santa, the boss of all the Santas.
[Sobbing.]
Yes, I am excited to see you, too.
Are you kidding me? I needed Santa, not what, what What are you? I am a Chinese female Santa and a role model.
You scared the children.
Well, it's not my fault these kids are racist and sexist.
I guess Santa can only be white and male as far as the Rooneys are concerned.
- Who are the Rooneys? - You! Our last name is Sanderson, Jessica.
[Scoffs.]
Okay, well, I'm sorry you didn't have a good time, but a deal's a deal.
I need my Elmo.
You don't need an Elmo.
You don't get an Elmo.
Elmo is not for you! Ugh! I cannot believe her! She is crazy! Out of her mind! [Whispers.]
Come with me.
[Whispers.]
Where are we going? And three, and four.
There we go.
Isn't Deidre gonna be mad? Furious, but toys are meant to be played with by children, not stashed away in some vault.
Thank you.
Deidre might divorce you for this.
Oh, I refused to sign a pre-nup.
I think I'll be all right either way.
[Exhales roughly.]
Must stay awake.
Oh.
I made you a late-night snack.
Huh? Your favorite cubed Swiss cheese.
- Ah.
- Mmm.
Mmm.
Tastes a little funny.
I hid a muscle relaxer in it.
That's right, I used your favorite cheese against you.
Well, why would you go and do a thing like [Thunder cracking.]
Mm.
Grandma Huang.
You can walk? The Ghost of Christmas Future has functional feet.
Wait, you speak English? You don't dream in Mandarin, do you? I'm gonna miss you, Mark.
Cattleman's is closing? Losing your friendship sent Louis into a deep depression.
Without his charisma, the customers stopped coming in.
And the restaurant was forced to close.
A funeral? What a lousy turnout.
What is this? Hitler's funeral? Ha.
This is your funeral.
Where is everybody? You sued them all.
That's right, you sued all your friends away.
What about Honey? She's got to be here.
[Somber Latin music playing.]
They reconnected? Big time.
I can't believe he's gone.
Don't cry with your eyes.
Cry with your legs.
No! Wha? [Sighs.]
Tickle Me Elmo! You got one! [Laughs.]
"Do not open until Kwanzaa"? As you know, Kwanzaa doesn't start until the 26th.
Totally.
I'll open it tomorrow.
Unfortunately, Zawadi, the Swahili word for gifts, aren't opened until the seventh day.
You know, Christmas ain't that bad.
I can celebrate Kwanzaa next year.
Enjoy.
That's where I learned all of those facts.
[Pounding at door.]
Marvin: Louis! Marvin, what are you doing here? I came to tell you I'm dropping the lawsuit.
I've been a damn fool.
[Laughs.]
Well, what changed your mind? Well, let's just say a wise man once said, "Friends don't casually sue each other for insurance money.
" [Laughs.]
- Here.
- Oh.
Well, I wish I hadn't thrown away my PJs.
We can share mine.
Here, take the bottoms.
Uh, no, ah, we're I'm good.
[Both chuckle.]
Evan, why aren't you playing with your Elmo? Just getting a head start on my thank-you notes.
After everything I went through to get that toy, I should come in here to a giggling, tickling party.
I should be yelling at you to cut it out with the giggles.
I should be saying, "Stop tickling Elmo.
" Okay, sure.
I'll play with him.
[Elmo giggles.]
That tickles.
That was enough fun for one day.
[Sighs.]
Is that the Megazord I got you last Christmas? And the Karate Tortoise from two years ago? All still in boxes.
Evan, why aren't you playing with my presents? I don't really love toys.
I see you playing with your little stuffed animals all the time.
My Beanie Babies aren't toys, they're friends.
Mom, there's no vacancy in my heart for new friends.
The inn is full.
Well, then, why did you ask me for an Elmo? You really wanted me to pick a toy, so I picked the hardest one to get since I know you like a challenge.
Giving me Christmas presents is what you like to do.
It makes me happy that it makes you happy.
Well, now it's my turn to make you happy.
Come on, tell Mommy what you really want for Christmas.
I just want to spend time with you.
I know you're not supposed to have favorites, but then you say things like that and what am I supposed to do? You're my favorite.
I know.
Mom! It's Christmas day.
Why do we have to see "Jingle All the Way" again? Because Evan missed it.
I remember where you all laughed the first time.
If I don't hear the same laughs at the same moments, I'll know.
Except for the Sinbad lines, I laughed all the way through.
Evan, popcorn.
Chili cups? - Yes, please.
- [Laughs.]
Merry Christmas, Chili Boy Marv.
Merry Christmas, Chili Boy Lou.
This is the fourth time we have seen this movie.
It has to be the last.
No way.