Futurama s03e08 Episode Script

That's Lobstertainment So I says, "Super Collider?|I just met her.
" And then they built the Super Collider.
|Thank you.
You've been great.
Humorbot 5.
0, ladies and gentlemen.
Our next standup's a veteran|of four comedy traffic schools.
Give it way up for Bobcat Zoidberg! All right! - Yeah!|- All right! Earth.
What a planet.
On Earth,|you enjoy eating a tasty clam.
On my planet,|clams enjoy eating a tasty you! Maybe I'm not loud enough.
On Earth,|everybody is looking for a squid! On my planet- Reload.
So these three parasitic worms|bore into a human's head.
And they walk up to the bar|and then- Uh-oh.
Wait! Stop! I've got more! Aw.
My whole life I worked on that act.
- And they hated it.
|- You're a crazy lobster doctor! - You shouldn't be a comedian!|- But comedy is in my valves.
My Uncle Harold was a big star|back in the era of silent holograms.
- Your uncle was Harold Zoid?|- This I cannot deny.
Why, I've been a fan since back when|my hips were made of bone! As it happens,|I still have some of my original 78s.
He's a lot funnier|than you could ever be.
Maybe, but perhaps if I wrote him|and asked for a few hundred pointers This letter has to be very personal,|so I'm writing it in my own ink.
"Dear Uncle Zoid,|Greetings from your nepheW.
Norm and Sam and Sadie's boy?|Remember? NoW I'm the most important doctor|at the company Where I Work.
But my life is bereft of laughter.
" "I beg of you, Mr.
Funny Uncle.
Teach me the comedy business.
|Sincerely, Zoidberg.
" Isn't that nice? - What's that scribble-di-gook?|- It's a letter from my rich nephew who just might be my ticket out|of this flophouse, he might.
Yeah, you'd better run! "Dear Rich Doctor Nephew,|I can help you be funny.
The first funny thing|you must do is put your money in check form|and come to Hollywood.
" "Sincerely, Harold Zoid.
|cashier's check.
" Did you hear that?|I'm going to Hollywood! Welcome to Hollywood! I must warn you there's no refund if you get|discovered and leave the tour.
I'm kidding.
That never happens.
Now, to your right, you'll see|30th Century Fox Studios.
Fox uses searchlights|to blind pilots then film|the resulting plane crashes.
- Neat!|- Ahead you'll see the home of Mel Gibson,|star of the hit film Bravehead.
Do we have any fans of Calculon star of the robot soap|All My Circuits? I am! Me! Bender is! Then you'll want to get a close look|at his Bel Air home.
Yes, I will.
- Are you my hot-water heater?|- No.
- We met once.
Remember?|- Absolutely not.
Remember I was bugging you a lot? - You remember, right?|- Look, I'm programmed to be very busy.
Unless you can heat water|to 212 degrees, I'm not interested.
Have you got an extra GOTO 10 line?|I don't need a Bender.
That was the other guy.
|My name's Boiler.
- Nice work, Boiler.
|- Thanks.
And call me Bender.
That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid|to discuss my dreams.
Next time you see me,|don't be surprised if I've eaten.
Uncle Zoid! You look young enough|to be thrown back.
Rich nephew! Come over here|and give your uncle a nice, big meal.
So, here we are.
A still-famous film comedian And a rich, respected doctor|with surviving patients.
Eating in a restaurant,|as we both often do.
- So, you want to be a comedian, is it?|- It's my lifelong dream.
That dream dies now!|You're unfunny and untalented! - That's why you're perfect for drama!|- Hm.
Serious drama? Perhaps it is time to give up comedy.
I'm putting together|a big drama picture as we speak.
The script is dynamite!|I know because I wrote it myself.
By directing and starring I'll be back on top|after 50 miserable years - of fame.
|- Ah, fame.
- Where do I come in?|- This film has a juicy part for you if you completely finance it|with your money.
So, are you in? Uh, okay.
How much|do I have to invest? Not much.
Not much.
|A million dollars.
Then it's settled.
|Another big Hollywood deal! - What can I get you?|- Is bread free? - Yeah.
|- We'll split an order.
- What's with Monstro?|- He promised his uncle a million bucks.
I've been here a day,|and already I'm a Hollywood phony.
Perhaps I could call on|TV's Calculon to help now that I'm in show biz.
- Since when have you been in the biz?|- Long enough, little man.
Long enough.
I would be remiss|if I didn't bring you scripts that can make you|an international film star.
Tell me about the project.
- It's a movie.
|- Interesting.
Tell me more.
Get this.
For a scant|$1 million investment you can be the star.
And? - And it'll win you an Oscar.
|An Oscar, you say? That would get me out|of television once and for all.
Let me see the script.
Wait! Harold Zoid? - Was this written by the Harold Zoid?|- Written and xeroxed.
Good heavens.
A chance to work|with the legendary Harold Zoid! He's one of my idols! - You can guarantee me the Oscar?|- I can guarantee anything.
- Then I'll do it!|- Hooray! Here's your checkbook! Ladies and gentlemen,|our director the legendary Harold Zoid! Thank you.
|A more classic movie plot there isn't.
A son doesn't want to follow|in his father's business.
And that business is being|president of Earth.
The son is vice president.
That makes sense.
Wink, wink.
- You said, "Wink, wink.
"|- No, I didn't.
Raise middle finger.
Now, remember, I can't stress|this enough, this is a talkie.
So I want the full gamut of emotions|from every actor in every scene.
The Magnificent Three.
|Scene one, take one.
And action! Take back your gilded pen, Father.
Signing bills into law was|always your dream, not mine.
Cut! Cut it! I said this is a talkie!|You've got to emote more! And you extras? Wave your arms!|What is this, a morgue? The Magnificent Three.
|Scene 10, take 95.
Action!|And I mean circus-grade action.
Sir? I call upon you,|not as a president but as a father! Cut! Cut it!|Would you show a little emotion? People, please.
|Just because it's a dramatic scene doesn't mean you can't|do a little comedy.
Throw a pie, for God's sake! No! Cut! Cut it! Look, it's all right, kid.
|We'll get it in editing.
That's a wrap! I'm gonna see you at the premiere!|Which is? Editing is a long|and expensive process.
We spent all the money on pies,|so it'll be ready Friday.
Nice turnout.
That Oscar's|practically on your mantel.
I just pray they like me|half as much as I do.
I agreed to be your vice president! But I never agreed to be your son! - Thank you, Lieutenant Smith.
|- Good morning, Mr.
Vice President.
We're missing it! My life's goal|is to attend a Hollywood shindig.
- Pay the valet the 2 bucks.
|- No! It's the principle of the thing.
|I see a parking lot ahead.
I have asked you to join me|on the White House roof so we could have|a heart-to-heart talk.
I'll never follow in your footsteps! Here is my resignation|as vice president! No! My son will not shame me|like this! I would sooner die, I would! Father! The ledge! Oh The president is dead.
Congratulations, Mr.
President! No! He's a visionary!|- Everyone walked out.
They hated it.
Plagues have had better|opening nights.
You said the Oscar|was practically mine! That's why I used the qualifier|"practically.
" You listen to me.
|I'm out a million bucks! Get me that Oscar,|or you're dead! You and these sniveling lobsters!|Dead, you hear me? Dead! Oy! Now he emotes.
Four hundred categories|and not a single nomination for me.
- But you won this Golden Globe!|- That's the Emmy of movie awards! - I want an Oscar!|- Then maybe you should act better.
It's not about acting it's about earning the respect|of the creative community! - We could rig the awards.
|- That's fine! It's no use.
The tar is too thick.
|Plus, I think I flooded it.
Well, we're gonna die.
|We might as well enjoy the sights.
Oh, my God! Sylvester Stallone! This is where you live?|I thought you were a movie star.
No, I'm not.
|I'm an even bigger liar than you! My career went down|the day they invented Smell-A-Vision.
Calculon's gonna kill us.
|It's all everybody else's fault! All I wanted was for people to think|of me one last time before I die.
What are you talking about?|Everybody remembers Harold Zoid.
As a pathetic has-been|and forgotten relic, they remember me! It's better to die now.
No! This is one death|I won't be responsible for.
Zoidberg away! Hi.
I'm Joan Rivers' head.
I've had so many face-lifts, they|finally lifted it right off my body! It's true! It's true! Oh, oh, oh.
Here comes Jack Nicholson's DNA,|reconstituted in a gorilla body! Catering.
Oh, oh.
Ugh.
Here's washed-up actor|what's-his-name, Harold Zoid.
Are you presenting one of the awards|or getting one? I'm a seat filler.
My only marketable skill|is to occupy space.
The second I don't win that award,|you're cat food.
Right, Boxy? And noW, the host|of the 1074th Academy AWards Billy Crystal! Now I know how a Pez dispenser feels.
Oh, you like that one, Jack?|Ooh, ooh, ooh.
All right.
|We're already one hour behind.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Our first award tonight,|Best Cinematography.
You want to play tic-tac-toe|before we eat our shoes? Oh, I knew I'd die|at the bottom of a pit.
But a pit full of tar? What was that? A tar dolphin?|Or a tar shark? It's some kind of hollow tube|devoid of human life.
The L.
A.
subway!|We can blast our way in and escape! All right,|but I still feel like having a shoe.
- What category is it?|- They're giving out minor awards.
- They're up to writing.
|- That leaves Best Product Placement and Best Actor.
|There's no time.
And the nominees for|Best Product Placement are: Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation.
They Call Me Mr.
Pibb.
And SnoW White and the 7 Ups.
And now to present the award|for Best Actor a bit player in the flop movie|The Magnificent Three Dr.
Zoidberg.
Okay, Boxy.
|Keep your prong on the trigger.
And the nominees|for Best Actor are: Sir Lawrence Ooooo|in The Merchant of Venus.
Hive Mind Gamma Seven X|in Bikini Party Summer.
The Soda Machine Robot|in Bikini Party Summer.
Mark Jones|in HoW Beige Was My Jacket.
And, instead of the fifth guy,|Calculon for his powerhouse performance|in The Magnificent Three.
- He read the wrong name.
|- Play along, like with Marisa Tomei.
Hooray! I won't be murdered!|I'll live another day! Another day of pathetic, forgotten misery.
And the winner is And the winner,|instead of any of the nominees is the legendary Harold Zoid! What? Thank you! Thank you so much! Through my ups and downs I thought the most important|thing in life was to win an Oscar.
But tonight I realize what's|really important is to win two Oscars! Ha! Ha! I'm kidding.
What matters in life|is that people care about you whether it's a whole crowd or just one die-hard fan.
Aw.
Thank you, nephew.
Now I can die happy 10 seconds from now,|when Calculon kills us.
- Harold Zoid!|- Hit the deck! - Where's that Oscar?|- Here.
Enjoy.
Why are you upset? It's less|fraudulent for you to have it.
Yes.
Yes, it's a real beauty.
Someday I hope to win one of my own.
Then you're not gonna kill us? I respect and admire Harold Zoid|too much to beat him to death.
Yeah! Earthquake! Hit the deck! Let the earth quake! I've got somebody's Oscar! - We made it! I'm at a Hollywood party!|- I'm sorry.
This is a private- Oh, pardon me.
|I see you're with Mr.
Stallone.