Hacks (2021) s03e08 Episode Script
Yes, And
1
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Ahh, smokinghot.com/deborah.
Gorgeous! Gorgeous!
Someone get me a bloody spoon,
'cause I'm eating up
what you're serving.
Look at that. Yummy.
- That's fucking tasty.
- [CHUCKLES]
Just give us five minutes, OK?
We're just gonna adjust
for the next setup.
- Whoo!
- Thank you.
OK, fierce.
You gotta teach me how
to take a photo like that.
Chin down, ears forward, eyes up.
And hum the national anthem.
It keeps the jowls tight.
OK, think I'm just gonna stick with,
"Here, let me take it."
OK. I got great news.
We are officially on the
books for your test show
- two weeks from Friday.
- Great.
We shouldn't even
have to do a test show.
I mean, I say we force
the network's hand.
What if I tweeted something
like "Deborah got the job"?
I mean, the network's
never gonna backtrack
if it's already out there.
OK, that's genius.
[CHUCKLES]
Kayla, do not tweet anything, OK?
We are so close to the finish line here.
It's down to Deborah
and the X Games guy.
- You know that.
- OK, calm your nuts.
Anyway, it's perfect
timing for the test show
because it's exactly when the
Meena Elahi piece will run.
- That's right.
- Wait.
Meena Elahi's the journalist
you've been talking to?
She's amazing.
She's taken so many people down.
But you, you, she will lift up.
She she's going to Berkeley, right?
Yep. She's gonna meet you Friday.
She's gonna be with
you the whole weekend.
Hold on.
This weekend is Palm Springs.
No, this weekend, Deborah's getting
her honorary doctorate from Berkeley.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Am I double booked?
It it was not in the
shared Google Cal, see?
It was not in the shared Google Cal!
I texted you about it, dork.
- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.
It's right OK, shit. All right.
I texted Damien Plumber,
who I think is a plumber I used,
because I'm scrolling up,
and I'm seeing a clogged toilet.
- There it is.
- I I was sick, but you know.
Deborah, you headline Palm
Springs Pride every year.
And this year, we have the
House of Vance activation.
Yeah, but she can't miss Berkeley.
It's a huge deal.
And "The New Yorker's" gonna be there.
You're gonna handle the activation.
I will go to Berkeley.
I'll fly back in time for the show.
And we'll do both.
- It'll be great.
- OK.
OK, that can work.
Works for us too, as well.
It'll be fun.
You can bring a friend.
OK, Deb. Ready for you, mama.
OK.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
All right, let's do it.
Sensational.
Oh.
Boom.
[HUMMING "STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"]
♪
It was just a really
exciting and stimulating place
to go to school, you know,
especially at that time with
all the anti-war protests
and that sort of thing.
Oh, that building there,
that is the first place
I was ever on stage.
At that Jamba Juice?
Well, it was a blackbox theater then.
But there were a lot of fruits!
[CHUCKLES]
Oops.
Uh, oh, Meena, I meant to
ask you, with this profile,
are you including one of your famous
caricature illustrations?
I love those.
I always wanted a giant
head and a tiny body.
- Ha!
- Well, that's art department.
It's not my purview.
Ah.
Uh, Meena, I just want to say,
I loved your piece
about how white people
have gentrified jokes
about white people.
So 2012 me.
[LAUGHS]
I found that fabulous as well.
Oh, thank you.
A lot of white people liked
it, which is interesting.
BOTH: Mm. Mm-hmm.
Yo, are you are you Deborah Vance?
Why, yes I am.
No cap?
None at all.
Dude, I told you.
You're, like, mad cute.
Like, you should come to
Chi Phi Beta's party tonight.
We got a keg and, like,
six couches in one room.
Uh, I think my Jell-O shot days
are behind me, boys sorry.
Well, let me know if
you change your mind.
My name's Chris,
and I'm trying to show you a good time.
Oh, Chris. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
I could be their age, right?
Well, you do own the same shorts.
I'm just playing with you!
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Love this girl.
- [LAUGHS]
- [ALARM BEEPING]
- Yeah, we're kidding.
Oh, that's me.
Yeah, I gotta go do that interview
at the college radio station.
Meena, I'd ask you to tag along,
but I don't want you to get jealous,
me talking to another reporter.
Would you say jealousy plays
a big role in your life?
No.
Um, OK, I'll see you guys.
I'm gonna hit the dining hall.
Hey, do you mind if I tag along?
Maybe we could talk?
Oh, um, yeah, sure.
Great.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
So yeah, after the special came out,
I left and went to LA.
Oh, so you left and then you came back?
Well, I'm just here temporarily.
Deborah freed me to pursue other work.
Freed you?
Sounds like you were her prisoner.
Oh, no. No.
It was actually really
cool and selfless of her.
I mean, she pushed me,
and that led to me getting
a job at "On The Contrary."
I'm co-producer now.
Oh, but if I get a title bump
before this goes to print,
how would I get in touch?
Shoot you an email or
Can we get off the record here a sec?
Sure.
Look, Ava, I don't have an agenda here.
I don't go into a piece with an angle,
and I want to portray Deborah
as the complicated person she is.
But a lot of what I've
found out about her
does indicate she is not the
easiest person to work for.
Did you talk to the elves?
- What?
- What?
No, I don't I don't know.
Uh, I talked to a hairdresser
who requested time off for his wedding,
but Deborah couldn't guarantee his job
because she "couldn't
predict the market."
Yeah, um look.
Deborah can be tough, for sure.
But that's 'cause she
has really high standards
for herself and everyone else.
But if you can meet those standards,
she'll take care of you.
OK.
Do you think Naomi Fry would like me?
It's "Nomi," so
"Nomi."
"Nomi," get to know me. OK.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
But all sales are electronic,
and so we cannot accept quarters.
Thank you, king.
OK, that clip-on bidet in
the bathroom turned me out,
- so I will be needing one.
- Got it.
Listen, you don't have to
stay here while I'm working.
I can meet you afterward.
It's actually kind of fun.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Would Deborah sign
my bottle of Fen-Phen?
I've had it since the '90s
from when she used to sell it.
To the best of my recollection,
Deborah never sold
Fen-Phen and is therefore
not liable for any
cardiovascular complications
or issues you may or
may not have experienced.
And unfortunately, she's not here today.
- What?
- Oh, no.
I thought the whole fucking
point was that this was
a shoppable house and
she was gonna be here
to sign anything that we purchased.
I know. It was my idea.
And again, my apologies.
But if you come to the show tomorrow,
I'm making sure she does a
signing session afterward.
I'm gonna be on G then,
and I don't want to meet her like that.
Can't you just not do G?
No.
Happy Pride.
Yeah, sorry about him.
But I think we're gonna go to the Ace
if you want to come.
Oh.
I'm I'm actually here
for work, but thank you.
Yeah, OK.
Maybe next time.
- Have fun.
- Yeah, you too.
Watch out.
If you need me to run the iPad
so you can go catch a dick,
- please let me know.
- No. No. No.
- Ooh.
- I can't go there.
I do not hook up with Deborah fans.
It's it's too weird.
Mm, right. Don't shit where you eat ass.
[LAUGHS] Exactly.
Forgot the beauty of unlimited refills.
Love a freeze-dried fruit,
you know what I mean?
I have a boyfriend.
OK.
What?
If we're gonna leave water at the border
for these people, we might as well
leave Spanish-to-English
dictionaries too.
Hey, hey, my peers. What you watching?
Uh, this stand-up.
- Deborah Vance.
- Love her.
I guess someone made a supercut
of all her shitty, racist jokes.
What?
Hey, Berkeley, is this your girl?
A majority of cars sold in
America are made in Asia.
Asians making cars?
That's like Polish people
making light bulbs.
- Shit.
- Oh, my God, she sucks.
So fucked up they're giving
her an honorary degree.
Right?
Mm, nasty, nasty stuff.
I heard the new stuff is
good, though, randomly.
Where did I yeah.
There was any of
the, like, progressive,
feminist stuff in there, or no?
- No.
- No, no.
I think they have that coming.
She's doing that.
That's but would you guys excuse me?
Oh, well, I certainly
wasn't conservative,
but I didn't love living with hippies.
However, I do love a
good alfalfa sprout.
Hey, Deborah!
Sorry, can I just grab you for a second?
Just want to ask you
something about your speech.
Sorry. Work thing.
Please excuse us for for a minute.
What is the matter with you?
Hello? Hello? Hello?
- OK, come on.
- What are you doing?
- Let go of me.
- Hey, listen to me.
So little problem.
Someone made a supercut of some of your
more problematic older material,
and it's gaining
traction, and apparently,
some students are planning
to protest your ceremony.
[GROANS]
OK, which minority group is upset?
OK, not great that you have to ask that.
And also, I don't think "minority"
is the proper term anymore.
- What are they called?
- No, don't say "they."
Oh, I thought everybody was "they" now!
No, that's a different thing.
[GROANS] OK, just
oh, God, this is just
the worst possible timing.
For you to be held
accountable for your actions?
Yes!
I am inches away from
my fucking dream job.
Hey, I think you're
getting off pretty easy, OK?
You're lucky that Zsa Zsa Gabor
shit is only available on VHS.
I mean, it was textbook slut-shaming.
Well, she was a slut.
Oh, my well, and
that's but that's fine.
Oh, God. OK, look.
Just we gotta squash this.
I guess.
Or you could just apologize.
Uh, no.
Deborah, the jokes weren't great.
You wouldn't do them today.
No. You never apologize for a joke.
I'm a comedian.
I was just doing my job.
OK, OK.
Look, it's just some
of the students, right?
Yeah.
OK, OK.
Then all I have to do is, you know,
curry favor on campus
with the other students.
You know, drown out the dissenters.
Make the minority voices a minority.
That could go right in the supercut.
I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We will go to that
fraternity party tonight.
I'll buy them supplies.
And I will do that student improv show
that I was invited to do.
It's the perfect opportunity
to make myself look good.
[LAUGHS] OK.
Deborah, improv has never
made anyone look good, OK?
Write that down.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC]
♪
Top down with the wind blowing ♪
Pop on the wave motion ♪
[PHONE RINGING]
Jimmy.
Hey, sorry I have to
be a little bit quiet.
I'm in a cancer center.
I'm about to run lines with
a client who's getting chemo.
He booked a role, which is cool.
It's on the CW show.
We hope it's gonna recur.
The role, not the cancer.
OK.
So first, I just wanted to call
and apologize again about Kayla.
I gave her a stern talking to.
She was wearing earbuds
the whole time, but I tried.
You know, what else can I do?
I also wanted to let
you know about something
the network flagged about
Deborah's merchandising deals.
What do you mean?
Obviously, they're extremely protective
of their advertisers,
and they're concerned that if
Deborah were to become host,
she might be the face
of a competing product,
whether that be through a one-off deal
or anything on QVC.
Wow.
OK.
And obviously, that might
not even be an issue,
but I just wanted to give
you the heads-up in case.
And I appreciate that, Jimmy.
I actually have my hands full over here,
so I'm gonna have to jet.
OK. Cool.
Well, have a fun, safe,
and very queer weekend.
Thank you.
All right, everyone, may I
have your attention, please?
We will be ending the
activation a little bit early.
This is now the official afterparty.
Tell all your friends.
Turn up the music.
A drink. A drink.
Thank you.
Got you.
Oh.
- All right.
- I need eight more.
Don't throw things on the floor.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hello?
Ms. Vance, it is such an honor.
- I'm Zed.
- Hi, Zed.
And this is Marvelous
Maddie, Gregarious Greg,
Jolly John, Coolio Caroline,
- Raunchy Rain, and Sacrilegious Sarah.
- OK. [LAUGHS]
You done improv before?
- No.
- Totally fine.
So how this is gonna work is basically,
we're gonna get a
suggestion from the audience,
and then you're gonna tell a story
based on that suggestion,
and then we're gonna improvise
scenes based on that story.
And feel free to jump in
and join the fun at any time.
Fun.
So whenever you're ready, we'll warm up.
OK. Great, great.
I'll just be right there.
OK.
When they ask for audience suggestions,
I want you to say "pediatric AIDS."
What?
I want you to yell "pediatric AIDS."
See, this way I can talk
about my charity work
in front of Meena without
sounding self-aggrandizing.
You just gotta set me up.
OK, here. Take my purse.
And do not use my lipstick.
I know you're using reverse psychology
to get me to wear lipstick.
Well, it was worth a shot.
Oh, have you played Big Booty before?
- Can't say as I have.
- Totally fine.
Uh, we'll just do a little Zip Zap Zop.
- Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
- Zip.
Zap.
The answer is no.
OK, so the thing with improv
is we try not to say no.
Instead we say "yes and"
'cause improv's all about
listening and respecting
your fellow improvisers, so
Well, are there any other
warm-ups maybe we could try?
[CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah.
ALL: Eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two, one.
Six, five, four, three, two, one.
Three, two, one, three,
two, one, three, two, one.
Farm!
[ALL IMITATING ANIMAL NOISES]
Take your hands off my princess!
- Arr, shiver me timbers.
- Wild Wild West.
OK. OK. OK! OK!
High. [ALL SNAPPING]
Camp.
[TOGETHER] High camp Ba Da Da!
Deborah, is it worth it?
ALL: Is it worth it?
Is it worth it? Is it worth it?
Is it worth it? Is it worth it?
[CHANTING] Is it worth it? Is
it worth it? Is it worth it?
[ALL VOCALIZING WILDLY]
Who let the dogs out ♪
Who, who, who, who ♪
Who let the dogs out ♪
Who, who, who, who ♪
Who let the dogs out, who ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
OK, everybody. We are Bearprov.
- How you feeling tonight?
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OK, make some noise
for our guest monologist
and comedy legend, Deborah Vance!
[APPLAUSE AND BOOS]
Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
Yeah! [CHUCKLES]
OK, I just need a suggestion.
- Problematic comedian.
- Pineapple.
Oh, AIDS.
I heard pineapple.
Pineapple.
Pineapple reminds me of
another prickly subject
pediatric AIDS.
[COUGHS]
[JESSIE WARE'S "FREAK ME NOW"]
♪
Baby, keep heating me up ♪
Oh, no, don't you go cool me down ♪
Baby, keep heating me up ♪
Oh, no, don't you go cool me down ♪
Baby, keep heating me up ♪
Oh, no, don't you go cool me down ♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh-uh, freak me now ♪
Baby, keep heating me up ♪
Oh, no, don't you go cool me down ♪
Baby, keep heating me up ♪
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
This is already better than improv.
Ooh, uh, 5 bucks each.
OK, this is for me, her,
and everybody in line behind us!
[ALL CHEERING]
Deborah Vance loves to party.
Thank you. Oh, and they're with us too.
Come on, fellas.
Hi. Hi. Oh, watch out.
Your mother's here. Ha.
Look who fucking came.
- Deborah fucking Vance.
- Ooh, hi.
You look amazing.
This is my friend Ava.
Oh, hey, cool. What's up?
What are you drinking tonight, huh?
Come on.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Yuh, errybody win the lottery ♪
If it's glitter and it's gold ♪
Then it's something that I gotta see ♪
- Go, Deborah!
- Yeah!
Go, go, go, go, go.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Who wants to order pizza? On me!
Or should we just say fuck
it and order Chez Panisse?
No, no, no. Pizza, pizza.
I hope to see you at
my ceremony tomorrow.
It's true when I say it ♪
I'ma win 'cause I know who I am ♪
How old do you think I am?
I have a boyfriend.
Got the whole city swaying, yeah ♪
Love it.
I love it.
Hold my wig.
All right.
Gonna win 'cause I know who I am ♪
ALL: Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
[CHEERING]
Yeah, 'cause girls is players too ♪
Uh, yeah, yeah ♪
'Cause girls is players too ♪
Keep it player, baby ♪
'Cause girls is players too ♪
Bitches getting' money
all around the world ♪
'Cause girls is players too, yeah ♪
'Bout to catch another flight, yeah ♪
The apple bottom make
'em wanna bite, yeah ♪
I just wanna have a good night ♪
I just wanna have a good night ♪
I know all four of you are graduating,
so you need to learn about wines.
There's Brunello.
There's Barbaresco.
And then there's the king
of Italian reds, Barolo.
Huh? Nice mouthfeel, right?
You know, Chris knows a little something
about mouthfeel, huh?
Oh, oh! Yes! Yes!
See? We all make jokes, right?
[LAUGHS]
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Ooh! Oh.
It's Jimmy on the phone. Jimmy Junior.
He used to be with Latitude.
He's very good.
Hey, it's our manager!
[GASPS] Jimmy!
Oh, gosh.
There's nobody in there. OK, Jimmy.
I'm sorry for the late-night call,
but something's going on at the network,
and they canceled your test show.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Fuck.
- No. No. Why?
- Did they say why?
- I don't know.
It could be because of this supercut
a bunch of people have sent to me.
But I'm trying to get
to the bottom of it,
and I'll call you as soon as I do.
OK, call call me as soon as you know.
Yeah, I just said I would.
And then get me the info
for that crisis PR woman
I used when I groped Elmo.
OK, to the best of my knowledge,
you did not grope any
"Sesame Street" characters.
But yeah, I'll send you Jana's info, OK?
Call me!
OK. I'll call you. Bye.
Can't believe this is happening now!
I know. It's really bad timing.
I finally get an ounce of relevance.
I'm this close.
And they just want to
take it away from me again.
I'm I'm sorry to say this,
but, I mean, you're not
the only victim here.
Oh? Oh, really?
Who's the other victim?
Someone who was offended by a joke?
- Many jokes.
- I'm sorry.
People are too easily offended now.
If you don't like a joke, don't laugh!
They're not.
This is insane.
Me! I'm being taken
down by a liberal mob.
Me, who was the first
person to be fined by the FCC
for saying the word "abortion" on TV!
- Why come after me?
- Hey, hey.
This is not a value judgment
on your entire being.
Oh, really?
They're they're just upset
about some mistakes you made.
Jokes I made.
Jokes that everybody
was doing at the time.
Yes, and the jokes
were hurtful and shitty.
Both things can be true.
You get to be rich and
famous for making jokes,
and people are allowed to
have their reactions to them.
I mean, why not use your comedian brain
to fight through your defensiveness
and think outside of yourself?
Isn't that what good comics do?
Why don't you just apologize?
No.
Never apologize for a joke.
Yeah, you keep saying that, but why not?
Because
you just don't, OK?
Good one.
Besides, if I apologize,
it'll just add fuel to the fire.
Deborah
I can't be woke.
- I'm exhausted!
- OK.
I know this feels like
the end of the world,
but it really isn't.
No one's actually canceled.
Don't you lecture me.
I was canceled before there
was even a name for it.
They only gave it a name after
it started happening to powerful men.
Problem is, I don't have the time
to go to Europe and wait it out.
I don't have any time!
And I certainly don't
have the time to stand here
debating it with you.
I have a Barolo decanting downstairs.
Deborah, I just think apologizing
is the right thing to do.
- [BANGING ON DOOR]
- Hello?
It's so easy for you to
say what's right or wrong.
It's never that simple.
One day, you'll understand that.
Can someone open the door?
[DOOR RATTLING]
Nice.
- [ALARM BUZZES]
- Up, up, up, up!
Time to get up. The day looks fabulous!
Up, up, up, up
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
[QUIETLY] Contacts
D, D, D, D, D.
[GASPS SOFTLY] Deborah.
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
[GASPS SOFTLY] Deborah, yes.
- What are you doing?
- [GASPS]
Are you going through my phone?
Nope.
725840392
Oh, my God, are you trying
to memorize Deborah's number?
3972584
- 22, 19, 500.
- Stop. Stop it.
- 25,600
- No, 725
8, 6, 7, 5, 3, 0, 99.
- Stop! Please, just stop.
- Seven, purple
Why are you ruining this for me?
This is why I don't hook
up with Little Debbies.
[LAUGHS] Oh.
You're a monster.
And there is no way that these
are 800 thread count sheets.
- Goodbye.
- Oh, you little bitch.
Oh, my God!
I'm never drinking again.
Ms. Vance.
Hi. Gloria from the dean's office.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Um, I am so sorry,
but we are going to have
to cancel the ceremony.
What? Why?
There are a number of groups
that are planning on protesting
due to a video of your material
that's been circulating.
Well, this is the first
I'm hearing of this.
After the Condoleezza Rice incident,
we realized it was better to cancel
to avoid any potential violence.
Smart. She might kill someone.
We do still plan to
offer you the degree,
just in a closed-door ceremony.
At some point.
Fantastic.
Also, you have been
invited to a town hall
being hosted by a coalition
of students tomorrow.
You can go if you like.
Could be a good opportunity
to hear their grievances.
Again, I'm so sorry.
I don't know, town hall
could be a good idea.
Absolutely not.
I spoke to my crisis
PR woman this morning.
She said do not engage at all.
OK, OK. Please, stop yelling at me.
I'm too hungover to argue.
[PHONE RINGING]
Deborah.
I'm not gonna make it to Pride.
- What?
- No, no, there's just too much going on.
And you know, apparently,
I need to lay low.
All right, I told, like,
200 gay men you were coming.
It's fine. They'll get over it.
No, they won't, actually.
I told you this was important.
Marcus, I do not need this right now.
This weekend has been a
I don't want to hear it.
OK, I want you to hear me,
but of course you don't,
because you don't fucking listen.
[SIGHS]
You know what? Forget it.
I'll cancel. Bye.
[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- Can I grab a lemon?
- Go for it.
♪
Oh, hey.
Deborah's not gonna be
able to sign anything.
She's not coming at all.
Really?
She never misses Pride.
[SIGHS] Well, can't blame her.
She's had a hell of a year.
Cheers to that.
You can kind of blame her.
You OK?
I mean, I don't know you.
This could be your personality.
I'm just pissed off.
She owes us so much,
and she's letting everyone down, again.
Well, this is what happens.
You can't stop being a fan now
that she's got more of them.
We loved her before anybody else did,
and she loved us
before anybody else did.
That's not nothing.
We we just have to share her now.
But doesn't that make you mad?
No.
It just means we were right all along.
But nobody's ever gonna
know Deborah like we do.
She's a survivor, like us.
Well, she's always looking
out for herself, so yeah.
You know, first time I saw her,
she was performing at a bowling alley.
It was right after the divorce,
but she was so funny about it.
And I I was howling.
She was at rock bottom,
but somehow, it felt like
she was on top of the world.
She made me feel like I
could be on top, like
like I could laugh at all the
sad things that were
happening to me too.
Yeah, when I first saw her,
my dad had just died.
I'm sorry.
Well, I'm glad you
don't feel left behind.
Sometimes, left behind is good.
Cher wrote the "Believe" album at 55.
Did she show up at Pride that year?
[SCOFFS] No.
But we got the "Believe" album.
Sometimes good things
come from letting go.
[GASPS] And letting go is actually
the theme of "Strong Enough"
from the "Believe" album.
[CHUCKLING]
Snap out of it!
[LAUGHING]
At the tone, please record your message.
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Roy, it's Marcus.
Give me a call when you get this.
I'll be coming to QVC next week,
and I'd like to talk.
[LAUGHTER]
If we're gonna leave water
at the border for these people,
we might as well leave
Spanish-to-English dictionaries too.
[LAUGHTER]
Clarence Thomas put a pubic hair
on Anita Hill's can of Coca-Cola,
which I find disgusting.
She should be drinking Diet Coke.
[LAUGHTER]
An NBA player had sex with 6,000
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
[BELL TOLLING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
All right, let's all begin.
Thank you for joining us.
Sharing this marketplace
of ideas, right.
Hey, are you in my
foreign policy section?
No, but oh, my God,
I cannot tell you how
much that means to me.
I have a girlfriend.
What?
Damn. Y'all are wifed up.
Uh, ma'am, please.
- Let's get started.
- Sorry.
Now, this isn't a public flogging.
This is a dialogue
for acknowledging harm
and fostering empathy.
But first, Deborah, would
you like to start us off?
Sure.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Thank you for coming.
I I had a speech prepared,
but I think I owe you
more than my explanations.
I am sorry.
I looked back at those
jokes, and I'm embarrassed.
I wish I could donate a library
or buy you all ice cream or something.
Make it all go away.
But I can't.
Right?
OK, um
I think I'll just listen.
Because I've said enough.
And to be totally honest,
I'm really afraid of
saying the wrong thing.
- Good.
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
OK, then.
Let's open up the floor.
Would anyone like to share?
You in the striped sweater.
What's up, Deborah?
You don't know me, but we actually
have some stuff in common.
We're both obsessed with 9/11.
[LAUGHTER] Yeah.
You got about 20 minutes' worth
of raghead and terrorist
jokes out of it,
and what my family got was harassed.
9/11's the reason my elbow's ashy.
'Cause TSA still confiscates my lotion.
[LAUGHTER]
Here's the thing. I'm not even Arab.
My family's Punjabi.
So on the one hand, it
does take the edge off
when you realize how
dumb racists really are.
But on the other,
it's like, damn, dudes,
buy a shower curtain with the
world map on it or something.
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway, just thought you should know.
Thank you.
Anyone else?
Uh, you in the grey shirt.
Hi. Uh, yeah.
I just wondered if you could address
some of your ableist material.
I I'm sorry.
What is ableist?
Why do I write the emails
if she doesn't read 'em?
[SHUSHES]
Your jokes that made fun
of people with disabilities.
Oh, right, yes.
As someone that has dyslexia,
or as you called it, "lysdexia,"
yeah, I just thought maybe
you'd like to speak on that.
Oh, to be honest, I didn't
realize dyslexia was a disability.
"Deborah Vance is by no means
the obvious choice for late night.
Her missteps are numerous
and not entirely forgivable.
No doubt there will be more.
But for all Vance's typical boomer-ness,
there's a curiosity that goes beyond age
and taps into something more human:
our desire to understand each other.
Or as her writer Ava Daniels put it,
'A hack is someone who does
the same thing over and over.
Deborah is the opposite.
She keeps evolving and getting better.'
Watching Vance say the wrong thing
makes for entertaining TV,
but watching her engage is even better.
It's hard to say if she
would be the perfect host.
But what she may offer us is
something more interesting,
someone trying to connect with humanity
in her attempt to connect with her own.
And that's worth watching."
I mean, for a Meena Elahi article,
that's like a rave.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Um, what what are people saying?
Let's see.
This one guy wants you to
talk to his parents for him.
[LAUGHS]
Ooh. OK.
This one woman is saying
you're a nasty, racist bitch.
Couple of those.
Lot of engagement, though.
That's good. That's really wait.
Shit.
What?
Looks like Kayla
did actually tweet
that you got late night.
No. No
It's really blowing up.
Jimmy, what the hell happened?
I fucking told her not to do that!
She's not gonna force their hand!
This is just gonna backfire!
I'm actually pulling up
to your house right now.
- You're here?
- Yes.
[DOGS BARKING]
Is she insane?
I know. I'm so sorry.
If I wasn't fucked before, I am now.
She shouldn't have tweeted that.
The hell was she thinking?
I'm gonna kill her!
Listen.
The network canceled your test show
because they realized the
guest spot was the test.
[SOFT MUSIC]
It's you, Deborah.
You got late night.
♪
What's going on?
You're scaring the dogs.
♪
I got it.
I got I got late night.
- What?
- What?
- Oh, my fucking God!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
[LAUGHS]
♪
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Ahh, smokinghot.com/deborah.
Gorgeous! Gorgeous!
Someone get me a bloody spoon,
'cause I'm eating up
what you're serving.
Look at that. Yummy.
- That's fucking tasty.
- [CHUCKLES]
Just give us five minutes, OK?
We're just gonna adjust
for the next setup.
- Whoo!
- Thank you.
OK, fierce.
You gotta teach me how
to take a photo like that.
Chin down, ears forward, eyes up.
And hum the national anthem.
It keeps the jowls tight.
OK, think I'm just gonna stick with,
"Here, let me take it."
OK. I got great news.
We are officially on the
books for your test show
- two weeks from Friday.
- Great.
We shouldn't even
have to do a test show.
I mean, I say we force
the network's hand.
What if I tweeted something
like "Deborah got the job"?
I mean, the network's
never gonna backtrack
if it's already out there.
OK, that's genius.
[CHUCKLES]
Kayla, do not tweet anything, OK?
We are so close to the finish line here.
It's down to Deborah
and the X Games guy.
- You know that.
- OK, calm your nuts.
Anyway, it's perfect
timing for the test show
because it's exactly when the
Meena Elahi piece will run.
- That's right.
- Wait.
Meena Elahi's the journalist
you've been talking to?
She's amazing.
She's taken so many people down.
But you, you, she will lift up.
She she's going to Berkeley, right?
Yep. She's gonna meet you Friday.
She's gonna be with
you the whole weekend.
Hold on.
This weekend is Palm Springs.
No, this weekend, Deborah's getting
her honorary doctorate from Berkeley.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Am I double booked?
It it was not in the
shared Google Cal, see?
It was not in the shared Google Cal!
I texted you about it, dork.
- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.
It's right OK, shit. All right.
I texted Damien Plumber,
who I think is a plumber I used,
because I'm scrolling up,
and I'm seeing a clogged toilet.
- There it is.
- I I was sick, but you know.
Deborah, you headline Palm
Springs Pride every year.
And this year, we have the
House of Vance activation.
Yeah, but she can't miss Berkeley.
It's a huge deal.
And "The New Yorker's" gonna be there.
You're gonna handle the activation.
I will go to Berkeley.
I'll fly back in time for the show.
And we'll do both.
- It'll be great.
- OK.
OK, that can work.
Works for us too, as well.
It'll be fun.
You can bring a friend.
OK, Deb. Ready for you, mama.
OK.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
All right, let's do it.
Sensational.
Oh.
Boom.
[HUMMING "STAR-SPANGLED BANNER"]
♪
It was just a really
exciting and stimulating place
to go to school, you know,
especially at that time with
all the anti-war protests
and that sort of thing.
Oh, that building there,
that is the first place
I was ever on stage.
At that Jamba Juice?
Well, it was a blackbox theater then.
But there were a lot of fruits!
[CHUCKLES]
Oops.
Uh, oh, Meena, I meant to
ask you, with this profile,
are you including one of your famous
caricature illustrations?
I love those.
I always wanted a giant
head and a tiny body.
- Ha!
- Well, that's art department.
It's not my purview.
Ah.
Uh, Meena, I just want to say,
I loved your piece
about how white people
have gentrified jokes
about white people.
So 2012 me.
[LAUGHS]
I found that fabulous as well.
Oh, thank you.
A lot of white people liked
it, which is interesting.
BOTH: Mm. Mm-hmm.
Yo, are you are you Deborah Vance?
Why, yes I am.
No cap?
None at all.
Dude, I told you.
You're, like, mad cute.
Like, you should come to
Chi Phi Beta's party tonight.
We got a keg and, like,
six couches in one room.
Uh, I think my Jell-O shot days
are behind me, boys sorry.
Well, let me know if
you change your mind.
My name's Chris,
and I'm trying to show you a good time.
Oh, Chris. [CHUCKLES]
[LAUGHS]
I could be their age, right?
Well, you do own the same shorts.
I'm just playing with you!
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Love this girl.
- [LAUGHS]
- [ALARM BEEPING]
- Yeah, we're kidding.
Oh, that's me.
Yeah, I gotta go do that interview
at the college radio station.
Meena, I'd ask you to tag along,
but I don't want you to get jealous,
me talking to another reporter.
Would you say jealousy plays
a big role in your life?
No.
Um, OK, I'll see you guys.
I'm gonna hit the dining hall.
Hey, do you mind if I tag along?
Maybe we could talk?
Oh, um, yeah, sure.
Great.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
So yeah, after the special came out,
I left and went to LA.
Oh, so you left and then you came back?
Well, I'm just here temporarily.
Deborah freed me to pursue other work.
Freed you?
Sounds like you were her prisoner.
Oh, no. No.
It was actually really
cool and selfless of her.
I mean, she pushed me,
and that led to me getting
a job at "On The Contrary."
I'm co-producer now.
Oh, but if I get a title bump
before this goes to print,
how would I get in touch?
Shoot you an email or
Can we get off the record here a sec?
Sure.
Look, Ava, I don't have an agenda here.
I don't go into a piece with an angle,
and I want to portray Deborah
as the complicated person she is.
But a lot of what I've
found out about her
does indicate she is not the
easiest person to work for.
Did you talk to the elves?
- What?
- What?
No, I don't I don't know.
Uh, I talked to a hairdresser
who requested time off for his wedding,
but Deborah couldn't guarantee his job
because she "couldn't
predict the market."
Yeah, um look.
Deborah can be tough, for sure.
But that's 'cause she
has really high standards
for herself and everyone else.
But if you can meet those standards,
she'll take care of you.
OK.
Do you think Naomi Fry would like me?
It's "Nomi," so
"Nomi."
"Nomi," get to know me. OK.
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
But all sales are electronic,
and so we cannot accept quarters.
Thank you, king.
OK, that clip-on bidet in
the bathroom turned me out,
- so I will be needing one.
- Got it.
Listen, you don't have to
stay here while I'm working.
I can meet you afterward.
It's actually kind of fun.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Would Deborah sign
my bottle of Fen-Phen?
I've had it since the '90s
from when she used to sell it.
To the best of my recollection,
Deborah never sold
Fen-Phen and is therefore
not liable for any
cardiovascular complications
or issues you may or
may not have experienced.
And unfortunately, she's not here today.
- What?
- Oh, no.
I thought the whole fucking
point was that this was
a shoppable house and
she was gonna be here
to sign anything that we purchased.
I know. It was my idea.
And again, my apologies.
But if you come to the show tomorrow,
I'm making sure she does a
signing session afterward.
I'm gonna be on G then,
and I don't want to meet her like that.
Can't you just not do G?
No.
Happy Pride.
Yeah, sorry about him.
But I think we're gonna go to the Ace
if you want to come.
Oh.
I'm I'm actually here
for work, but thank you.
Yeah, OK.
Maybe next time.
- Have fun.
- Yeah, you too.
Watch out.
If you need me to run the iPad
so you can go catch a dick,
- please let me know.
- No. No. No.
- Ooh.
- I can't go there.
I do not hook up with Deborah fans.
It's it's too weird.
Mm, right. Don't shit where you eat ass.
[LAUGHS] Exactly.
Forgot the beauty of unlimited refills.
Love a freeze-dried fruit,
you know what I mean?
I have a boyfriend.
OK.
What?
If we're gonna leave water at the border
for these people, we might as well
leave Spanish-to-English
dictionaries too.
Hey, hey, my peers. What you watching?
Uh, this stand-up.
- Deborah Vance.
- Love her.
I guess someone made a supercut
of all her shitty, racist jokes.
What?
Hey, Berkeley, is this your girl?
A majority of cars sold in
America are made in Asia.
Asians making cars?
That's like Polish people
making light bulbs.
- Shit.
- Oh, my God, she sucks.
So fucked up they're giving
her an honorary degree.
Right?
Mm, nasty, nasty stuff.
I heard the new stuff is
good, though, randomly.
Where did I yeah.
There was any of
the, like, progressive,
feminist stuff in there, or no?
- No.
- No, no.
I think they have that coming.
She's doing that.
That's but would you guys excuse me?
Oh, well, I certainly
wasn't conservative,
but I didn't love living with hippies.
However, I do love a
good alfalfa sprout.
Hey, Deborah!
Sorry, can I just grab you for a second?
Just want to ask you
something about your speech.
Sorry. Work thing.
Please excuse us for for a minute.
What is the matter with you?
Hello? Hello? Hello?
- OK, come on.
- What are you doing?
- Let go of me.
- Hey, listen to me.
So little problem.
Someone made a supercut of some of your
more problematic older material,
and it's gaining
traction, and apparently,
some students are planning
to protest your ceremony.
[GROANS]
OK, which minority group is upset?
OK, not great that you have to ask that.
And also, I don't think "minority"
is the proper term anymore.
- What are they called?
- No, don't say "they."
Oh, I thought everybody was "they" now!
No, that's a different thing.
[GROANS] OK, just
oh, God, this is just
the worst possible timing.
For you to be held
accountable for your actions?
Yes!
I am inches away from
my fucking dream job.
Hey, I think you're
getting off pretty easy, OK?
You're lucky that Zsa Zsa Gabor
shit is only available on VHS.
I mean, it was textbook slut-shaming.
Well, she was a slut.
Oh, my well, and
that's but that's fine.
Oh, God. OK, look.
Just we gotta squash this.
I guess.
Or you could just apologize.
Uh, no.
Deborah, the jokes weren't great.
You wouldn't do them today.
No. You never apologize for a joke.
I'm a comedian.
I was just doing my job.
OK, OK.
Look, it's just some
of the students, right?
Yeah.
OK, OK.
Then all I have to do is, you know,
curry favor on campus
with the other students.
You know, drown out the dissenters.
Make the minority voices a minority.
That could go right in the supercut.
I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We will go to that
fraternity party tonight.
I'll buy them supplies.
And I will do that student improv show
that I was invited to do.
It's the perfect opportunity
to make myself look good.
[LAUGHS] OK.
Deborah, improv has never
made anyone look good, OK?
Write that down.
[UPBEAT POP MUSIC]
♪
Top down with the wind blowing ♪
Pop on the wave motion ♪
[PHONE RINGING]
Jimmy.
Hey, sorry I have to
be a little bit quiet.
I'm in a cancer center.
I'm about to run lines with
a client who's getting chemo.
He booked a role, which is cool.
It's on the CW show.
We hope it's gonna recur.
The role, not the cancer.
OK.
So first, I just wanted to call
and apologize again about Kayla.
I gave her a stern talking to.
She was wearing earbuds
the whole time, but I tried.
You know, what else can I do?
I also wanted to let
you know about something
the network flagged about
Deborah's merchandising deals.
What do you mean?
Obviously, they're extremely protective
of their advertisers,
and they're concerned that if
Deborah were to become host,
she might be the face
of a competing product,
whether that be through a one-off deal
or anything on QVC.
Wow.
OK.
And obviously, that might
not even be an issue,
but I just wanted to give
you the heads-up in case.
And I appreciate that, Jimmy.
I actually have my hands full over here,
so I'm gonna have to jet.
OK. Cool.
Well, have a fun, safe,
and very queer weekend.
Thank you.
All right, everyone, may I
have your attention, please?
We will be ending the
activation a little bit early.
This is now the official afterparty.
Tell all your friends.
Turn up the music.
A drink. A drink.
Thank you.
Got you.
Oh.
- All right.
- I need eight more.
Don't throw things on the floor.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hello?
Ms. Vance, it is such an honor.
- I'm Zed.
- Hi, Zed.
And this is Marvelous
Maddie, Gregarious Greg,
Jolly John, Coolio Caroline,
- Raunchy Rain, and Sacrilegious Sarah.
- OK. [LAUGHS]
You done improv before?
- No.
- Totally fine.
So how this is gonna work is basically,
we're gonna get a
suggestion from the audience,
and then you're gonna tell a story
based on that suggestion,
and then we're gonna improvise
scenes based on that story.
And feel free to jump in
and join the fun at any time.
Fun.
So whenever you're ready, we'll warm up.
OK. Great, great.
I'll just be right there.
OK.
When they ask for audience suggestions,
I want you to say "pediatric AIDS."
What?
I want you to yell "pediatric AIDS."
See, this way I can talk
about my charity work
in front of Meena without
sounding self-aggrandizing.
You just gotta set me up.
OK, here. Take my purse.
And do not use my lipstick.
I know you're using reverse psychology
to get me to wear lipstick.
Well, it was worth a shot.
Oh, have you played Big Booty before?
- Can't say as I have.
- Totally fine.
Uh, we'll just do a little Zip Zap Zop.
- Zip.
- Zap.
- Zop.
- Zip.
Zap.
The answer is no.
OK, so the thing with improv
is we try not to say no.
Instead we say "yes and"
'cause improv's all about
listening and respecting
your fellow improvisers, so
Well, are there any other
warm-ups maybe we could try?
[CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah.
ALL: Eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two, one.
Six, five, four, three, two, one.
Three, two, one, three,
two, one, three, two, one.
Farm!
[ALL IMITATING ANIMAL NOISES]
Take your hands off my princess!
- Arr, shiver me timbers.
- Wild Wild West.
OK. OK. OK! OK!
High. [ALL SNAPPING]
Camp.
[TOGETHER] High camp Ba Da Da!
Deborah, is it worth it?
ALL: Is it worth it?
Is it worth it? Is it worth it?
Is it worth it? Is it worth it?
[CHANTING] Is it worth it? Is
it worth it? Is it worth it?
[ALL VOCALIZING WILDLY]
Who let the dogs out ♪
Who, who, who, who ♪
Who let the dogs out ♪
Who, who, who, who ♪
Who let the dogs out, who ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
OK, everybody. We are Bearprov.
- How you feeling tonight?
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OK, make some noise
for our guest monologist
and comedy legend, Deborah Vance!
[APPLAUSE AND BOOS]
Whoo-hoo! Whoo!
Yeah! [CHUCKLES]
OK, I just need a suggestion.
- Problematic comedian.
- Pineapple.
Oh, AIDS.
I heard pineapple.
Pineapple.
Pineapple reminds me of
another prickly subject
pediatric AIDS.
[COUGHS]
[JESSIE WARE'S "FREAK ME NOW"]
♪
Baby, keep heating me up ♪
Oh, no, don't you go cool me down ♪
Baby, keep heating me up ♪
Oh, no, don't you go cool me down ♪
Baby, keep heating me up ♪
Oh, no, don't you go cool me down ♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh-uh, freak me now ♪
Baby, keep heating me up ♪
Oh, no, don't you go cool me down ♪
Baby, keep heating me up ♪
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
This is already better than improv.
Ooh, uh, 5 bucks each.
OK, this is for me, her,
and everybody in line behind us!
[ALL CHEERING]
Deborah Vance loves to party.
Thank you. Oh, and they're with us too.
Come on, fellas.
Hi. Hi. Oh, watch out.
Your mother's here. Ha.
Look who fucking came.
- Deborah fucking Vance.
- Ooh, hi.
You look amazing.
This is my friend Ava.
Oh, hey, cool. What's up?
What are you drinking tonight, huh?
Come on.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.
Yuh, errybody win the lottery ♪
If it's glitter and it's gold ♪
Then it's something that I gotta see ♪
- Go, Deborah!
- Yeah!
Go, go, go, go, go.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Who wants to order pizza? On me!
Or should we just say fuck
it and order Chez Panisse?
No, no, no. Pizza, pizza.
I hope to see you at
my ceremony tomorrow.
It's true when I say it ♪
I'ma win 'cause I know who I am ♪
How old do you think I am?
I have a boyfriend.
Got the whole city swaying, yeah ♪
Love it.
I love it.
Hold my wig.
All right.
Gonna win 'cause I know who I am ♪
ALL: Chug, chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!
[CHEERING]
Yeah, 'cause girls is players too ♪
Uh, yeah, yeah ♪
'Cause girls is players too ♪
Keep it player, baby ♪
'Cause girls is players too ♪
Bitches getting' money
all around the world ♪
'Cause girls is players too, yeah ♪
'Bout to catch another flight, yeah ♪
The apple bottom make
'em wanna bite, yeah ♪
I just wanna have a good night ♪
I just wanna have a good night ♪
I know all four of you are graduating,
so you need to learn about wines.
There's Brunello.
There's Barbaresco.
And then there's the king
of Italian reds, Barolo.
Huh? Nice mouthfeel, right?
You know, Chris knows a little something
about mouthfeel, huh?
Oh, oh! Yes! Yes!
See? We all make jokes, right?
[LAUGHS]
- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Ooh! Oh.
It's Jimmy on the phone. Jimmy Junior.
He used to be with Latitude.
He's very good.
Hey, it's our manager!
[GASPS] Jimmy!
Oh, gosh.
There's nobody in there. OK, Jimmy.
I'm sorry for the late-night call,
but something's going on at the network,
and they canceled your test show.
- What?
- Yeah.
- Fuck.
- No. No. Why?
- Did they say why?
- I don't know.
It could be because of this supercut
a bunch of people have sent to me.
But I'm trying to get
to the bottom of it,
and I'll call you as soon as I do.
OK, call call me as soon as you know.
Yeah, I just said I would.
And then get me the info
for that crisis PR woman
I used when I groped Elmo.
OK, to the best of my knowledge,
you did not grope any
"Sesame Street" characters.
But yeah, I'll send you Jana's info, OK?
Call me!
OK. I'll call you. Bye.
Can't believe this is happening now!
I know. It's really bad timing.
I finally get an ounce of relevance.
I'm this close.
And they just want to
take it away from me again.
I'm I'm sorry to say this,
but, I mean, you're not
the only victim here.
Oh? Oh, really?
Who's the other victim?
Someone who was offended by a joke?
- Many jokes.
- I'm sorry.
People are too easily offended now.
If you don't like a joke, don't laugh!
They're not.
This is insane.
Me! I'm being taken
down by a liberal mob.
Me, who was the first
person to be fined by the FCC
for saying the word "abortion" on TV!
- Why come after me?
- Hey, hey.
This is not a value judgment
on your entire being.
Oh, really?
They're they're just upset
about some mistakes you made.
Jokes I made.
Jokes that everybody
was doing at the time.
Yes, and the jokes
were hurtful and shitty.
Both things can be true.
You get to be rich and
famous for making jokes,
and people are allowed to
have their reactions to them.
I mean, why not use your comedian brain
to fight through your defensiveness
and think outside of yourself?
Isn't that what good comics do?
Why don't you just apologize?
No.
Never apologize for a joke.
Yeah, you keep saying that, but why not?
Because
you just don't, OK?
Good one.
Besides, if I apologize,
it'll just add fuel to the fire.
Deborah
I can't be woke.
- I'm exhausted!
- OK.
I know this feels like
the end of the world,
but it really isn't.
No one's actually canceled.
Don't you lecture me.
I was canceled before there
was even a name for it.
They only gave it a name after
it started happening to powerful men.
Problem is, I don't have the time
to go to Europe and wait it out.
I don't have any time!
And I certainly don't
have the time to stand here
debating it with you.
I have a Barolo decanting downstairs.
Deborah, I just think apologizing
is the right thing to do.
- [BANGING ON DOOR]
- Hello?
It's so easy for you to
say what's right or wrong.
It's never that simple.
One day, you'll understand that.
Can someone open the door?
[DOOR RATTLING]
Nice.
- [ALARM BUZZES]
- Up, up, up, up!
Time to get up. The day looks fabulous!
Up, up, up, up
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
[QUIETLY] Contacts
D, D, D, D, D.
[GASPS SOFTLY] Deborah.
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
[GASPS SOFTLY] Deborah, yes.
- What are you doing?
- [GASPS]
Are you going through my phone?
Nope.
725840392
Oh, my God, are you trying
to memorize Deborah's number?
3972584
- 22, 19, 500.
- Stop. Stop it.
- 25,600
- No, 725
8, 6, 7, 5, 3, 0, 99.
- Stop! Please, just stop.
- Seven, purple
Why are you ruining this for me?
This is why I don't hook
up with Little Debbies.
[LAUGHS] Oh.
You're a monster.
And there is no way that these
are 800 thread count sheets.
- Goodbye.
- Oh, you little bitch.
Oh, my God!
I'm never drinking again.
Ms. Vance.
Hi. Gloria from the dean's office.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Um, I am so sorry,
but we are going to have
to cancel the ceremony.
What? Why?
There are a number of groups
that are planning on protesting
due to a video of your material
that's been circulating.
Well, this is the first
I'm hearing of this.
After the Condoleezza Rice incident,
we realized it was better to cancel
to avoid any potential violence.
Smart. She might kill someone.
We do still plan to
offer you the degree,
just in a closed-door ceremony.
At some point.
Fantastic.
Also, you have been
invited to a town hall
being hosted by a coalition
of students tomorrow.
You can go if you like.
Could be a good opportunity
to hear their grievances.
Again, I'm so sorry.
I don't know, town hall
could be a good idea.
Absolutely not.
I spoke to my crisis
PR woman this morning.
She said do not engage at all.
OK, OK. Please, stop yelling at me.
I'm too hungover to argue.
[PHONE RINGING]
Deborah.
I'm not gonna make it to Pride.
- What?
- No, no, there's just too much going on.
And you know, apparently,
I need to lay low.
All right, I told, like,
200 gay men you were coming.
It's fine. They'll get over it.
No, they won't, actually.
I told you this was important.
Marcus, I do not need this right now.
This weekend has been a
I don't want to hear it.
OK, I want you to hear me,
but of course you don't,
because you don't fucking listen.
[SIGHS]
You know what? Forget it.
I'll cancel. Bye.
[BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING]
♪
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
- Can I grab a lemon?
- Go for it.
♪
Oh, hey.
Deborah's not gonna be
able to sign anything.
She's not coming at all.
Really?
She never misses Pride.
[SIGHS] Well, can't blame her.
She's had a hell of a year.
Cheers to that.
You can kind of blame her.
You OK?
I mean, I don't know you.
This could be your personality.
I'm just pissed off.
She owes us so much,
and she's letting everyone down, again.
Well, this is what happens.
You can't stop being a fan now
that she's got more of them.
We loved her before anybody else did,
and she loved us
before anybody else did.
That's not nothing.
We we just have to share her now.
But doesn't that make you mad?
No.
It just means we were right all along.
But nobody's ever gonna
know Deborah like we do.
She's a survivor, like us.
Well, she's always looking
out for herself, so yeah.
You know, first time I saw her,
she was performing at a bowling alley.
It was right after the divorce,
but she was so funny about it.
And I I was howling.
She was at rock bottom,
but somehow, it felt like
she was on top of the world.
She made me feel like I
could be on top, like
like I could laugh at all the
sad things that were
happening to me too.
Yeah, when I first saw her,
my dad had just died.
I'm sorry.
Well, I'm glad you
don't feel left behind.
Sometimes, left behind is good.
Cher wrote the "Believe" album at 55.
Did she show up at Pride that year?
[SCOFFS] No.
But we got the "Believe" album.
Sometimes good things
come from letting go.
[GASPS] And letting go is actually
the theme of "Strong Enough"
from the "Believe" album.
[CHUCKLING]
Snap out of it!
[LAUGHING]
At the tone, please record your message.
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Roy, it's Marcus.
Give me a call when you get this.
I'll be coming to QVC next week,
and I'd like to talk.
[LAUGHTER]
If we're gonna leave water
at the border for these people,
we might as well leave
Spanish-to-English dictionaries too.
[LAUGHTER]
Clarence Thomas put a pubic hair
on Anita Hill's can of Coca-Cola,
which I find disgusting.
She should be drinking Diet Coke.
[LAUGHTER]
An NBA player had sex with 6,000
[PENSIVE MUSIC]
[BELL TOLLING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
All right, let's all begin.
Thank you for joining us.
Sharing this marketplace
of ideas, right.
Hey, are you in my
foreign policy section?
No, but oh, my God,
I cannot tell you how
much that means to me.
I have a girlfriend.
What?
Damn. Y'all are wifed up.
Uh, ma'am, please.
- Let's get started.
- Sorry.
Now, this isn't a public flogging.
This is a dialogue
for acknowledging harm
and fostering empathy.
But first, Deborah, would
you like to start us off?
Sure.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Thank you for coming.
I I had a speech prepared,
but I think I owe you
more than my explanations.
I am sorry.
I looked back at those
jokes, and I'm embarrassed.
I wish I could donate a library
or buy you all ice cream or something.
Make it all go away.
But I can't.
Right?
OK, um
I think I'll just listen.
Because I've said enough.
And to be totally honest,
I'm really afraid of
saying the wrong thing.
- Good.
- [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]
OK, then.
Let's open up the floor.
Would anyone like to share?
You in the striped sweater.
What's up, Deborah?
You don't know me, but we actually
have some stuff in common.
We're both obsessed with 9/11.
[LAUGHTER] Yeah.
You got about 20 minutes' worth
of raghead and terrorist
jokes out of it,
and what my family got was harassed.
9/11's the reason my elbow's ashy.
'Cause TSA still confiscates my lotion.
[LAUGHTER]
Here's the thing. I'm not even Arab.
My family's Punjabi.
So on the one hand, it
does take the edge off
when you realize how
dumb racists really are.
But on the other,
it's like, damn, dudes,
buy a shower curtain with the
world map on it or something.
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway, just thought you should know.
Thank you.
Anyone else?
Uh, you in the grey shirt.
Hi. Uh, yeah.
I just wondered if you could address
some of your ableist material.
I I'm sorry.
What is ableist?
Why do I write the emails
if she doesn't read 'em?
[SHUSHES]
Your jokes that made fun
of people with disabilities.
Oh, right, yes.
As someone that has dyslexia,
or as you called it, "lysdexia,"
yeah, I just thought maybe
you'd like to speak on that.
Oh, to be honest, I didn't
realize dyslexia was a disability.
"Deborah Vance is by no means
the obvious choice for late night.
Her missteps are numerous
and not entirely forgivable.
No doubt there will be more.
But for all Vance's typical boomer-ness,
there's a curiosity that goes beyond age
and taps into something more human:
our desire to understand each other.
Or as her writer Ava Daniels put it,
'A hack is someone who does
the same thing over and over.
Deborah is the opposite.
She keeps evolving and getting better.'
Watching Vance say the wrong thing
makes for entertaining TV,
but watching her engage is even better.
It's hard to say if she
would be the perfect host.
But what she may offer us is
something more interesting,
someone trying to connect with humanity
in her attempt to connect with her own.
And that's worth watching."
I mean, for a Meena Elahi article,
that's like a rave.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
Um, what what are people saying?
Let's see.
This one guy wants you to
talk to his parents for him.
[LAUGHS]
Ooh. OK.
This one woman is saying
you're a nasty, racist bitch.
Couple of those.
Lot of engagement, though.
That's good. That's really wait.
Shit.
What?
Looks like Kayla
did actually tweet
that you got late night.
No. No
It's really blowing up.
Jimmy, what the hell happened?
I fucking told her not to do that!
She's not gonna force their hand!
This is just gonna backfire!
I'm actually pulling up
to your house right now.
- You're here?
- Yes.
[DOGS BARKING]
Is she insane?
I know. I'm so sorry.
If I wasn't fucked before, I am now.
She shouldn't have tweeted that.
The hell was she thinking?
I'm gonna kill her!
Listen.
The network canceled your test show
because they realized the
guest spot was the test.
[SOFT MUSIC]
It's you, Deborah.
You got late night.
♪
What's going on?
You're scaring the dogs.
♪
I got it.
I got I got late night.
- What?
- What?
- Oh, my fucking God!
- Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
[LAUGHS]
♪