Happy Endings s03e08 Episode Script

- Hey, guys.
- Hi.
You remember my super racist parrot Tyler.
- Hi, Tyler! - What's up? Best entrance ever, girl.
I realized that Tyler was just racist 'cause he didn't have any other interests other than racism.
- So I got him into baseball.
- I hate the Indians.
Yeah, he's a big white Sox fan.
I hate Native Americans, too.
On behalf of all Navajo Cubs fans, I say not cool, bird.
Now why would you bring your bird into a diner? Wait.
I don't know why I'm surprised.
I once saw you put sunscreen on a grape 'cause you didn't want it to become a raisin.
I'm taking Tyler home from my store because I'm going to the Rom-Com con.
This weekend, I am gonna be rubbing elbows with the who's who of romantic comedy.
Ooh! On Saturday, there's a special appearance - by Julia Roberts - Oh.
Impersonator, former Kentucky derby winner, Pretty Woman.
Still a big get.
It's gonna be awesome, all right? Are you sure you don't want to go, Brad? It's in Detroit.
Ooh! Detroit! Sorry.
Money's tight.
Had to cut back on all my cons.
Rom-Com con, Chaka Khan con, Bond con James Bond con.
I wish they had conventions for stuff I like, like "Miss Saigon" con or butter pecan con.
or breaking into song con that didn't exactly work con Oh, how about a con for the drunk guy that's about to get into a fight? "Oh, it's on" con.
Oh! What about a con for the guy that's about to get into a fight with that drunk guy? "Oh, it's on" con? "Oh, it's on con like 'Donkey Kong'" con.
" What about one for the girl who's throwing the party, doesn't want those guys to mess up her parents' house, so "damn it, Ron, why can't you and Jon fight out on the lawn-con?" Ohh! Whoa! Oh, you know, I've got one, too.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, please.
Get in on this.
Shut the (Bleep) up.
- Huh? - Huh.
Uh oh.
- Ah.
- Con? - That's good, man.
- Yeah.
- That's good.
That's really good.
- That's good.
- A little hostile.
It's a little hostile, but it's good.
- Yeah.
Guys, I wrote a song for Alex because I'm gonna miss her so much this weekend, so let me know what you think.
Oh, you're just gonna you're just gonna play it - right here in the middle of - Right right here in the bar.
Al, I miss you, you're the only one Sorry.
I wish I knew how to make you come home to me home to me come, come That is an odd way to phrase that.
I thought so, too.
"Back to me" instead of "home to me"? I gotta tell you, bro, writing some lame song for a skeeze skank - That's my girlfriend.
- That's weak sauce.
You gotta be like me.
Fly solo.
Love is an illusion.
It's like my friend prison Johnny always says to me through the glass "Don't get attached to anything that you can't walk away from in 30 seconds if the heat starts a-coming.
" Isn't that last part just a quote from the movie "Heat"? Actually, no, David.
It's a direct quote from my original screenplay "Heat 2: It's getting hot up in hurr.
" And, yes, I wrote an original screenplay because I have all the alone time in the world.
Thank you for rubbing it in.
Max.
Max! Excuse me, people enjoying each other.
Wow.
That is what 275 pounds of lonely looks like.
Yeah.
He's not having much luck in the dude department lately.
We need to set him up with someone.
Yes.
Oh! I got the perfect guy.
Please.
You don't know how to set anyone up.
I am a master matchmaker.
I have brokered three marriages one against their will but you know what? Sanjay is gonna learn to love Padma eventually.
Well, your guy, my guy doesn't really matter.
All that matters is that Max is happy.
Of course.
Let's let him decide to probably choose my guy.
- My guy.
- My guy.
- My guy.
My guy.
My guy.
My guy.
- My guy.
My guy.
My guy.
My guy.
I'm not gonna do this with you.
This is childish.
And unlike you, I don't have to be the one who gets in the last word.
your guy will suck greatly Yeah! Aah! My guy.
Al, Dave just texted.
He's picking you up in ten minutes to go to the airport.
He says, "get ready to come downstairs because there's no parking.
" - That's an odd way to phrase that.
- Isn't it? - Tell him Annie Hall will be right down.
- Oh.
- Check it! - Oh! I'm totally gonna win the costume contest this year.
- You look great.
- And I can do the impression.
Oh, boy.
La-dee-da.
La-dee-da.
Oh, jeez.
Woody Allen.
You look great.
Al, here are a couple of dozen things I need you to get signed and authenticated, you know, if you have time.
Whoa.
That is a lot of stuff.
I'm gonna go get my camping duffel.
Sweet.
Brad, you have an alarming amount of memorabilia.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- This is just Overboard.
It's not just "Overboard.
" It's the unseen director's cut of "Overboard" - Ooh.
- Where Goldie Hawn doesn't learn her lesson in the end and decides to be rich and alone.
It's priceless.
- Is it? - Yeah.
- Yeah? Priceless? - Give me the tape.
Um, no.
No.
No.
Give me my VHS! Oh, no! - My tape.
- Oh.
This is the plate that Alex made of her hand when we were little.
- Oh, no.
- She loves this plate.
She still eats birthday cake off it every night.
What are we gonna wait.
She eats birthday cake every night? Just blow past that.
Okay, look, let's hide it, - and then we'll fix it after she's gone.
- Right.
And don't worry.
No one will even know that you broke it.
E-squeeze? You broke it, Penny.
Uh, counter-squeeze.
You broke it, Brad.
What?! You broke it, Brad.
You broke it, Penny.
A witness.
Sorry, guys.
This is all I could find.
You broke it, Brad.
You broke it, Penny.
Wait.
What did he say? He said I broke, uh, the glass ceiling.
That's right.
I'll climb that corporate ladder in a skirt.
And I don't even care who looks up it, 'cause I keep my yard tidy.
And those are my choices.
You know, equality.
Yeah, and, uh, I I broke the record For, um, having the shortest temper.
Now you better go on that damn trip! Get out of here, you.
- Okay, bye! - Pissing me off.
Better go have some fun right now! Have fun.
Bye.
You guys.
- Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
- Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
What do you idiots want? How did you know we were here? I smell testosterone.
And, Dave, you smell like peppers, bud.
Oh.
- Max - Mm.
Dave and I couldn't help but notice that you were acting like a lonely little bitch the other night.
I am not lonely.
I was just venting.
I say a lot of things I don't mean, like "I'll pay you back" or "I'm good to drive.
" Come on, Max.
We want to set you up.
I got a great guy Ben.
He's in my drum and my jerk circle.
- What now? - It's my amateur jerky-making group.
So it's when you and a bunch of your chef friends bring your meat down to a circle and just jerk together? That's it, exactly.
Anyway, my guy is the ta-tas.
He's in my spin class, he's an I-banker, and he drives a crossover vehicle, so yeah, he's white.
Okay.
My guy, Jane's guy It doesn't matter.
We just want you to be happy.
But my guy is better.
Exactly.
Let us make you happy with my guy.
My guy.
I am so happy.
I am quite fulfilled.
In fact, I actually have a very busy weekend ahead of me.
Oh, no.
Uh, what are you what are you doing this weekend? Well, if you must know, I'm about to mount an all-dead-fly-from my-windowsill production of "pippin," so Yeah.
I'm into whatever you guys got cooking.
Yes! - Yay.
- No.
You broke it, Brad.
You broke it, Penny.
- Come on! - Brad, don't worry about Tyler.
We glue this baby back together, and it won't matter what that damn bird says.
Ugh.
Where'd you get this stuff? These glue fumes are making me feel all gooey.
It's from my super.
It's industrial strength.
He said he only says he uses it to forget the past Three school buses he crashed.
- What? - It's perfect.
Wait.
Alex did this when she was 5? Her hands were gigantic.
Okay, Alex, give me your hand.
Et voilà.
You can barely tell it was broken.
- Right? - We did it! Yeah! Ha! Ha! Suck it, Tyler.
suck it forever, Tyler suck it, suck it, Tyler squawk about us now squawk about us now, mm, mm squawk about us now, baby, squawk about us now squawk about us, now, baby, squawk about us Oh! Taking a nap, buddy? Tuckered out from all that racism? Someone's pooped.
Someone's pooped.
Ty-Ty's a little ti-ti, aren't you? Looks like our little baby-waby goo-goo goo Ty-Ty bobo He's dead.
- Oh, my God! - Aah! Come on.
Clear.
Huh.
Clear! Oh! You can't just poke him with a pencil and say "clear.
" We need defibrillators.
Well, I don't have bird defibrillators, now do I, Penny? I saw 'em in the Skymall catalog, but no, I just had to get my marshmallow gun.
Damn you, Brad! Damn you to hell! Face it, Brad.
Tyler's dead.
Yeah, 'cause your stupid glue killed him.
And now Alex is gonna totally know it's our fault when she reads the bird autopsy.
Ow! That's not a real thing! - Fudge.
- Now I need you to shush so I can think.
Okay.
We need to cover this up.
We need to cover this up.
What would Kerry Washington do in "Scandal"? Demand to see the president, then almost make out with him.
Exactly.
I know.
We make it seem like he flew out of the window.
That's brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? Oh, right, because his wings are clipped, you dunce! Ow! But if his wings are clipped, we can make it look like he fell out of the window.
Now that's brilliant.
You know, the first two slaps I get no notes on those But the third? Like, our ideas were pretty similar.
If anything, I got us in the area.
Congratulations, Brad.
You pitched an area.
Hey, dum dums.
So you remember how you two dum dums pitched me the idea of setting me up, and at first, I was like, "what a couple of dum dums"? But I think I might've found a guy I really like.
Really? Oh, hell, yeah! Which is why I came over here to give you each A choice bottle of wine to say thank you.
Then I remembered those choice bottles of wine I speak of I stole them from that wine rack.
So mentioning wine at all would just raise more questions than the gesture was worth.
Uh, I'm over here biting my nails.
Who'd you choose? Did you choose Ben or Jamie? Can I get a drumroll, please? Neither of 'em.
Did not care for either of 'em.
But during the second disaster of a date, I did meet a supercute bartender named Marcus.
We have all the same interests.
Love Ryan Reynolds, hate Ryan Reynolds' movies.
So I'm seeing him tonight.
- Yay! - Yay! That is awesome.
Thanks, guys.
Thank you.
Thrilled for you, Max.
But can we just put it in reverse for a sec and just go back to that little thing about you not really caring for either of our guys? Uh, specifically, my guy Ben.
Hmm.
Ben.
Yeah.
You know, Ben just wasn't my type.
He also weirdly reminded me of someone.
You get John Mayer's latest? That guy starts at love and just floors it.
- Wow.
- I love the shape of your face.
Whoa.
I mean, that line is a boxer-dropper if ever I heard one.
But who is it who is it that that he reminds you of? Well, it seems like Dave's guy has deuced the futon.
- Oh.
- But what could possibly be wrong with my guy? Jamie? He just wasn't my type either, to tell you the truth.
- He also reminded me of someone.
- Really? I've taken the liberty of writing up our date itinerary.
It's laminated, so no worries if you spill salsa on it.
But don't.
Seriously, don't.
- A laminated itinerary is just good planning.
- Is it? - Huh.
- But that is not what matters.
What matters is that you and your new friend Marcus are happy.
So jazzed for you.
So jazzed for you, Max.
Great.
Well, I got to skedaddle.
Meeting Marcus later.
And let me tell you, I plan on wining, dining, and 79ing him.
And, yes, if you're wondering, that is ten better.
Oh.
Ooh.
All right, Brad, let's get our stories straight.
Tired of Alex's diverse group of friends, Tyler finally decided to make a break for it.
- Okay.
- Leaving behind this trail of feathers, he made his way to the window, pausing only to poo on this "Newsweek" with Obama on the cover.
Butt full of bigotry.
Then he pecked through the screen, leaving behind this cartoonish, parrot-shaped hole? Brad, you had one job.
Maybe I made enough room for my conscience to fit through.
Ugh.
Okay, whatever.
He pecked through the screen, tried to fly, but couldn't, and then fell to his death.
It's the perfect crime.
Wow.
Now the only thing left is one of us needs to toss this guy into the dumpster.
Nice and easy.
Yep, just, uh, take that nasty, dead bird and throw him in the trash.
Easy-peasy.
Ew! Ew! Ew! Oh.
To Max and his new guy Marcus.
So, so, so, so happy for Max.
You know what thought I just cannot shake, though, is how did Max and Jamie not hit it off? Delete Jamie and replace him with Ben, and you've got what's going on inside my noodle.
I mean, tether me back to earth here, but Jamie is a catch.
Great legs, awesome take charge personality.
Max needs that.
And call me crazy, but Ben is a dream, right? I mean, describeme loco, but what is Max thinking? I mean, up is down, acoustic guitars are lame, Mayer is bad? I mean, when did we all turn on Mayer? Well pretty much right off the bat.
But you know, the more we talk about Ben and Jamie, the more I see that you and I, without realizing it, set Max up with two guys that are exactly like two of the best dudes in town.
Thank you.
And who is this Marcus guy? I mean, that name Oh.
God, it sounds black.
Which is the only thing I like about it.
Otherwise, I hate that guy.
But we are missing the point.
Max is happy.
Yes.
That is all that matters.
Max is happy.
To Max.
Still Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
How can you eat bird right now? I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
All I hear is Tyler.
You killed me but a white guy would've killed me better.
Maybe we should just confess to Alex.
Hey, lady, the only way we get caught is if you blow this for us, so just keep it together.
Fine.
I won't sing.
But there's no way anyone in the world is stupid enough to believe that bird fell out the window.
Guys, my bird fell out the window! Tyler's dead.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
What a terrible accident, I'm assuming.
I have no idea what happened.
The screen was popped open, there was feathers everywhere.
He dropped some farewell heat on my Obama "Newsweek.
" Wow.
Not the "Newsweek.
" Dark days.
Dark days.
But you need to move on.
My advice would be to not ask anyone any questions about anything at all ever again.
It's called closure.
You know what? You're right.
Yes, you're right.
Sweet, sweet closure.
These are dang good.
Mmm.
Of course, the real closure will come when I get the autopsy report back.
Lord have mercy.
I don't like talking about my sex dreams that much, but it was me, Jeff Van Gundy, and Stan Van Gundy.
- No.
- I had Jeff coaching me on defense, and Stan coaching me on offense.
Max, I didn't know you come here.
We spend half our lives here, Jane.
Me? Just hanging out with Jamie.
Great guy, by the way.
He said he is dying to go on another date with you, and then boom, fate takes the wheel and parallel parks us next to you and your doughy friend.
- Whoa.
- Actually, Jane, you said it was Max who was dying to go out with me.
Did she now? Max, are you dating this guy? Who? Neil Patrick Niles? No.
Max, I did not know that you come here.
You mind if me and Mr.
Wonderful circle up? Yeah, I mind.
I mind a lot.
Great.
We doing single sangrias or should I order El carafe? Ah, señor.
Dos carafes, por favor.
- No carafes.
- None for me.
I don't put Spanish beverages in French containers because I'm not as you would probably say muy gauche.
Plus fruit garnishes carry more diseases than Kevin Smith's refrigerator handle.
Okay, what's going on here? - I can explain, Marcus.
- Allow me.
Our buddy Max here makes terrible decisions, but luckily, we know what's best for him.
Well, when you guys decide who you want Max to date just let me know.
No.
Come on, Marcus.
Marcus, this is a bit of an overreaction.
I mean, this happens to everybody.
Well I hope you two idiots are happy.
I told you, I never wanted to date Jamie or Ben ever.
Harsh barley, bro.
Is it? Is it harsh barley? What is wrong with Ben and Jamie? They're you.
- What? - What? Are you kidding? Look at yourselves.
I think you got all the germs, guys.
And I got Jack Johnson one and Jack Johnson two over here.
- Thank you.
- Appreciate it.
I don't know how to make this any clearer to you guys, but I would never date anyone even remotely like you two.
You wanted me to be happy? I almost was, and then you ruined it.
So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home, hard-boil an egg, and eat it on the toilet.
L'Chaim.
Oops.
Yeah.
Thank you guys so much for paying your respects.
Tyler would be so touched that you're here.
Well, not you, Brad.
Of course.
So, uh Did you get the autopsy report or Brad, she doesn't want to talk about that now.
Yeah, but I haven't read it yet.
Just too sad.
Mm.
Mm.
Oh.
Tyler's friends are here.
White power.
I should go and say hello.
Excuse me.
- Be strong, girl.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God.
We gotta come clean now.
Please, can we come clean? - I am so scared.
- Shush! She will never know anything if she never reads the autopsy report.
That's why you are gonna find it and destroy it.
What if it was e-mailed to her as a P.
D.
F.
? How do you destroy a P.
D.
F.
? It's in the clouds.
I don't control the clouds.
I'm not Thor! Shush mouth.
Go.
Be a man.
I'll go find it.
Uhh! Well, matchmaker, matchmaker.
You know, I'd storm out right now if my love for funeral food wasn't greater than my hatred for two selfish jerks.
Max, we're sorry that we screwed things up.
I mean, we really do want you to be happy.
Which is why we tracked Marcus down, explained to him what happened, and told him he'd be lucky to date a guy like you.
Wow.
You guys, thank you.
That's awesome.
What, should I call him or Oh no.
- Absolutely not.
- No.
No.
No.
No.
No.
No, no, no.
He was pretty upset.
It actually escalated into a pretty tense situation.
Dave here threw what he maintains is a punch, but it looked more like a figure-skating twirl, like a Well, it's called a haymaker, which Marcus promptly turned into a devastating arm bar, but the good news is I finally get to get that Tommy John surgery I've always wanted, so win-win.
Look, we're sorry that we tried to set you up with a couple of lame-os like us.
Guys, you're not lame.
I mean, you are lame, but it's cool.
And the reason I don't want to date anyone like the two of you is because my pantry's already stocked with an awesome Dave and a kick-ass Jane and a rat that can eat through aluminum cans that I will kill with these hands.
Hey, bring it in, guys.
Mm.
Mm.
Tommy John.
Yes! - Brad.
- Aah! Could you please join us? I'd like to say a few words about Tyler.
Uh-huh.
Everybody, please, join me.
We are all here to remember Tyler, a huge racist and an even huger-er friend.
He will be missed.
This is so hard.
His death is particularly troubling to me because I don't think it was an accident.
I know that there was a human hand at work in his death.
And that human hand was Me! Us.
Me and Brad we did it.
We're so sorry.
Tyler was killed from the glue fumes used to fix your hand plate.
Also, we broke your hand plate.
- What? - Also you had huge hands as a kid.
And I'm sorry about that, too.
- Yeah, I know that.
- We're so sorry.
- So big.
- So sorry.
Wait.
You guys killed Tyler? Wait.
I thought that's what you were gonna say.
Who did you think it was? Me.
Before I went to the Rom-Com con, Tyler and I got into a big argument about what constitutes a "celebrity apprentice" all-star.
I said Melissa Rivers.
He said Joseph Goebbels.
I I don't know.
I just thought he was so upset that he decided to commit suicide.
I see how you got there.
I can't believe you two.
You killed my parrot with glue fumes? I said I'm sorry.
Look at this "Cause of death liver damage.
" Real nice, guys.
"Systemic organ failure"? Oh.
Lovely.
"Due to excessive alcohol consumption"? What? Who gave him alcohol? Huh? Look at the TV.
You gotta look at that TV, girl.
What? Look at the TV.
Ohh.
That.
I had to give Tyler 'ritas.
It was taco Tuesday.
He hated Mexicans, but he loved their food.
- Heard that before.
- These hands are clean.
Welp, to Tyler.
- To Tyler.
- Yes.
Hell, no! I will not toast to that bird.
He is racist! You know, one time he saw me get out of a town car and asked me what team I played for? Sounds like him.
Tyler, I miss you, you're the only one I wish I knew how to make you come home to me why don't you come, come, come, come come, come, come, come come, come, come, come, come, come home to me Tyler, come home