How Not to Live Your Life (2008) s03e08 Episode Script
Christmas Special
No way, you and Mark finally broke up? Yeah, last week.
Well, now you're single, you can have some fun.
I've already started! You little minx! Come on who was it? Was he fit? Kind of, yeah.
He's about five-eleven, good teeth, slightly wonky eyes, thin hair.
He sounds vile.
How drunk were you? I was pretty pissed, actually.
I just recall waking up in his weird house and meeting his freaky friends.
This programme contains adult behaviour and some strong language Morning.
Can I get you some breakfast? Argh! No, I won't suck you off, Louis Walsh! What's going on? There's a strange man in your room.
No, he's all right.
He's just here to take our breakfast order, eh, Eddie? That's right, Don.
Plus, I just gave him a quick bed bath.
He does tend to get a bit pongy after intercourse.
Argh! Argh! 'And if that wasn't bad enough, 'I was getting out of his shower when suddenly' Argh! All right? The toilet's blocked.
Dickhead won't pay to get it fixed.
Oh, get me out of here.
'And then the strangest thing' Oh.
Ah, let me guess, you slept with Don, woke up to find an overgrown baby sat on the edge of the bed offering you some breakfast and then met an old lady who looks surprisingly similar to Gollum, probably doing something incredibly vile? Urgh.
SHE GIGGLES No doubt she'll be ringing me up soon, requesting another session with the quim ninja.
Erm, she didn't look like a returner, to me.
Wait Has there ever been a returner? Oh, you're so evil, Samantha.
Oh, poor Donald.
If it's any consolation, I think I'm just as bad with relationships as you are.
Right, I'm going to go for a bath, before uni.
Is the hot water back on, Eddie? Oh, you betsy.
Fixed the boiler last night.
Must tackle the loo next.
Exactly.
There is a massive shit in the bathtub! Gollum went poo-poo! Ah, Christmas.
The time for the sharing and giving.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
Families together.
And, of course, Santa.
Well, two Santas .
.
beating the crap out of each other.
Yep, that's me.
You probably want to know what's going on.
Let me take you back a few weeks, to the beginning of December.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas.
Guess what I've just got a job as? Erm Elvis impersonator? No.
A lap dancer? God, no.
Roller skating waitress in a 1950s themed restaurant? That's a good one! No! I'm the local community centre's new Santa Claus.
No, I don't see it.
What happened to Greg Pitcher? He's been doing Santa for years.
Oh no, poor Mr Pitcher can't do it this year.
How come? I can't remember.
I think he's got a cold or something.
Oh no, that's it! He was caught having sexual intercourse with a child.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Hang on, what about Gollum? I thought you were meant to be looking after her.
Oh no, that's the great thing, I get to bring her along.
All right? The kids adore her! Argh! It's a massive rat! They give her all kind of pet names.
Eddie I'm hungry, make me dinner.
Now, Dot, that's not really the way to ask, now is it? Oh, BLEEP off, you BLEEPing BLEEPing BLEEP.
I'm telling you, she is getting worse.
I have never met an old person like her.
You know, the other day she asked me if I used a vibrator.
Eugh! Do you? That is not the point.
What is the point? She asked if she could borrow it.
Oh! And did she? Oh you! 'I'm still crazy about Sam.
'I'm starting to think I've missed my opportunity.
' I don't know what's wrong with me.
I use to be so confident.
But with Sam, I'm just nervous she's going to knock me back.
What do you think? I think they're too small, can I try the size 9s? Certainly, sir.
'I started working in a shoe shop about a month ago.
'The art galley closed down, so I had to get a proper job.
And it sucks.
' Urgh! You couldn't just have worn some socks? But I hate wearing foot shoes.
I like to let my toes breathe.
'I hate everything about this job, especially my boss.
' Don.
Can I have a word, please? 'Oh no, Jason's not my boss, not any more, anyway.
' Do you want to grab some lunch? Oh, yes, please.
Hello, where do you think you're going, Pops? 'This is my boss.
' Oh, lunch.
It's 12.
59.
Yeah, lunch is at one.
It's not one, though, is it? It's 12.
59.
I think someone's overdue to know the difference.
Right.
Off you scoot.
And I'd try avoiding the carbs.
I know what people your age are like for napping in the afternoon.
Why do you keep calling me old? We're practically the same age.
I don't think so, Gramps.
I'm 24, what are you, 40? I'm 29! Ha! All right I'm 30something.
Yeah.
'Jason also got a job in the shopping centre.
He is the manager of a posh supermarket.
' I miss the art gallery.
We used to have such a laugh, didn't we? Don, you were the bane of my life.
Oh, thanks, Jace! 'I never would have predicted it, but we've become good friends.
' Where are you going to be this Christmas? Just at home on my own, I guess.
That's depressing.
Yeah.
Do you always spend it alone? No, not always.
Merry Christmas, Mr Homeless Man.
Merry Christmas, Don.
Ooh, somebody's had too much! No, no turkey this year, but I've got a lovely big ham.
I'm afraid you are just for Christmas.
So you still not made a move on Sam yet? No.
Why? Her and Brian broke up ages ago.
Oh, we're getting on really well at the moment.
I don't want to balls it upagain.
I'm waiting for the right moment.
A little advice - don't dilly-dally too long.
Sam's a beautiful woman.
Someone else will get in there if you don't hurry up.
'So, life was pretty shit - 30-something, single, terrible job and I live with this.
' This cup of tea tastes of BLEEPing BLEEP! Dorothy Treacher, if you continue acting like a child, I shall put you across my knee.
Oh BLEEP this BLEEP, I'm going for a bath.
What the hell? Eddie, don't you think it's time we put Treacher in a home? No, you can't do that, they're awful.
Hey, you're insulting one of the places Eddie works, Missy.
Sorry, Eddie.
No, that's all right, I agree with you.
That's why I mainly do home visits.
It upsets me to see the elderly being thrown out by their families, like they're being tossed in a bin.
Come on, Eddie, she's getting out of hand.
Try and get her in an old people's bin.
Don! Sorry.
Try and get her in an old people's bin, please.
That's better.
There's no hot water.
Oh, not again.
I've only just fixed the boiler.
How am I meant to have a bath? I'm sorry, Dot, you will have to Oh, dear God! Dorothy, put some clothes on immediately.
Why? Too arousing for you? BLEEP.
I can't believe I just saw Gollum's ning-ning.
I can't believe she's got a Brazilian! I think it might be time to get rid of the old boiler.
That's what I have been saying, she's nuts in the mind.
What? No, I'm talking about the boiler - the pressure vessel for heating water.
Oh, right.
Yeah, come on, landlord, step up to your responsibilities.
Excuse me, but do you know how much a boiler costs these days? No, how much? No I'm asking, do you know how much? Because I've already got to fork out for the toilet, the roof's leaking, the whole place is falling apart and I'm skint.
I'm telling you, I'm going to need a miracle.
What's that? This morning's post.
Oh, will you please put some clothes on? It's like a large pale raisin's walking about the place.
Oh God.
I think it's from my solicitors, Smith and Bitchman.
How can you tell? Well, it says it's from my solicitors, Smith and Bitchman.
Oh.
Great just what I need.
More bad news about the house.
John Bon Jesus! What is it? Is it bad? It says I'm up-to-date on all payments and if I so wish, I can sell the house.
Woo-hoo! I'm rich! I'm stinking filthy rich.
Woo-hoo-hoo! Ha-ha! See you later, you rotting, falling apart, pathetic excuse of a house.
I'm off.
I'm out of here.
Woo-hoo! Baby, you're a rich man Baby you're a rich man Baby, you're a rich man, too! Be a rich man, baby You're a rich man, baby What? Enjoying yourself? You're not really going to sell, are you, Don? No, you're right, Eddie, what was I thinking? Why would I want to make thousands of pounds, when I could just stay here and live in this shithole? Congratulations, Don, I'm really happy for you.
This is it, Eddie.
Next year's going to be my year, I can feel it.
Getting rid of the dead wood - the house, Treacher This bit of dead wood.
Right, remember to speak to the old people's home, yeah? Baby, you're a rich man Baby, you're a rich man.
We are pretty full now, but there is a space coming up on Christmas Eve for Dorothy.
Not normally a great time for people.
No.
No, that's great.
Thank you, Belinda.
Hey, don't be so down, she'll be fine here.
Oh no, I'm fine, honestly.
'But I wasn't fine, I felt like I was losing everyone.
'Darn it, Eddie, you forgot the first rule of caring - 'never get too close to them - and, boy, did I get too close.
' SILENCE What are you doing? SILENCE Oh, am I doing the mouth thing again? Sorry, that's just a bad habit I picked up from my friend, Don.
'While Eddie was sorting out Treacher's new home, I went to see a property developer.
'My solicitors told me it would be more profitable 'than if I just sold it through an estate agent.
' SILENCE Eh, you do realise you're just mouthing words, right? Oh, sorry, yeah I do that sometimes.
I find it hard to think and speak at the same time.
Right.
So let me tell you exactly what we do here, Don.
'Eddie wasn't too happy about this, though.
'He's worried about what they might do to the house.
' He told me to be easily won over by whatever they are going to offer you.
Find out what they are going to do with it, first.
It's a beautiful building.
Please don't forget that.
Let me cut to the chase, Don.
We're willing to pay twice what you'd get.
I'm in, where do I sign? What? Really? God, I'm good.
That was easy.
I mean, normally people get a bit put off when they hear we're knocking down their beautiful home and replacing it with an ugly-looking block of ugly-looking flats.
You are doing what now? Nothing.
So let's wrap this deal up ASAP and then we can get you that lovely large sum of money.
How does that sound, Don? Oh, yes, please.
SILENCE You know you're doing it now? Am I? Shit.
Right, do you want the good news or the bad news first? Always best to end on a positive.
Let's have the bad news first.
The good news is, on January 2, I'm going to have lots of gorgeous money entering my bank account.
Oh! And the bad news? Well, the bad news is, they're grrldddtt the house.
Sorry? What? They're going to ock down the house.
No, didn't catch that.
They're going to ock down the house.
Don, for some reason I can't seem to understand what you're saying.
They're going to knock down the house! Oh, Don.
It turns out Costner was wrong all along.
It is, "If you knock it down, they will come.
" You BLEEPing idiot.
Look, it's my house, OK? She's talking to the telly, Don, not you.
It's Deal Or No Deal, it always gets her in a tizzle.
Oh, yeah, look, he's saying no to a seven grand offer.
Idiot! Not him.
The other one.
There! That's Noel Edmonds, the presenter.
I know, look at him.
BLEEPing idiot! Don, seeing as Dorothy's going to be leaving us on Christmas Eve, what do you about us all going out for a farewell dinner tonight? I've heard about this fantastic new steak house, called Meat Freaks.
You know, for people who are freaks for meat.
OK.
'I could tell Sam was annoyed with me.
'I thought I'd better smooth things over.
' Do you hate me? Of course I don't.
I just think you could have looked at other options first, but it's your house.
They've offered me a lot of money.
I know and I am happy for you.
I guess I'm just sad to see the old place go.
I'm going to miss it.
Hey, Zeus! I never thought I'd say that! You could move in with me to my next place.
What? Yeah, why not, until you finish your last term? We wouldn't have to put up with the Krankies any more.
Oh, I'm going to be miss being part of the Addams Family.
Do you think that we'd get on, though? I mean, just the two of us? Get IT on, more like.
Don! What? I thought you were being serious, then.
I was.
I am.
I'm sorry! Oh.
'Smooth, eh?' Oh, that's won-tabulous! We'll see you at 2000 hours, then.
Toodle-pip! That's great.
Table for five booked at Meat Freaks.
I'd better get you into some gladrags, Dorothy - excited? Good.
Thought you'd appreciate that.
'That night, we all went out for Treacher's farewell dinner.
' Hi, we have a reservation? Name? Edward Janet Singh.
Ah, yes, follow me, sir.
Was she just wearing stockings? This is a strange restaurant.
Hi, guys, what can I get you? Erm Steaks all round? I'm afraid we don't do food.
This is Meat Freaks, isn't it? Certainly is! What is it, are we not all freaky enough for you? Hang on, do you mean meat freaks, as in, let's go and meet some freaks? You've got it.
We're the number one nightspot for celebrating the weird and wonderful.
You thought this was a steakhouse! I'll let you decide on your ord- Oh! Where did you get the massive rat? Freaky! (I like it!) I should have known, he's done this sort of thing before.
The other week, it was Chicks With Dicks.
Surely that was obvious? Turns out it was a nightclub where women are only allowed in with someone called Richard.
Hang on, you actually wanted it to be chicks with dicks? Right, so I'm assuming we all want to go somewhere else, right? Hang on a minute.
I didn't say I wanted to go, did I? It is Dorothy's farewell.
OK.
Hey, what's the worst that could happen? UPBEAT TRUMPET WITH MUTE PLAYS It's weird, being in a club and not being hit on by any dickheads.
It's a compliment.
People come here to meet someone strange.
Exhibit A.
You didn't come out hoping to meet someone, did you? Of course not.
But it's Christmas! It's a bit shit being single this time of year.
Anyway, I'm going to go for a Francis of Apee-pee.
Oh, and yes, Don, I would love another drink, thank you(!) Well? Surely now's your moment? Really? She's practically begging for a boyfriend.
I didn't get that.
Are you an idiot? No, Jason, and it hurts my feelings you even asking.
That's it, I give up.
Clearly you don't like her as much as you say.
You not pulled yet, Gollum? I would have thought they'd love you! You may be surprised, but I prefer the conventional type.
You know - handsome, debonaire.
That IS surprising.
And a massive cock.
Right, great.
Hey.
Hey.
You all right? Yeah, great.
Well, maybe not great.
I'm dreading tomorrow, to be honest.
Why? It's Christmas Eve! Yeah, and I'm spending it with my mum this year.
I feel bad, but we just argue all the time, so I think, what's the point in going? And she always gives me such a hard time about men.
I'm only 26 and she says I'm wasting my life by being single.
That's ridiculous.
Isn't it?! Having said that, I do wish that I had someone to take with me, just to shut her up.
I think I know someone who might do that for you.
Really? Who? Hey, what's everyone drinking? Wow, you've perked up.
Yeah.
I don't feel so bad about going down to my mum's now.
Cool.
Yeah, Jason said he'd come with me.
It's really sweet of him, isn't it? Yeah.
What?! I can't believe you're trying to steal Sam from me.
She's not yours to steal.
How could you be so evule and hurtfule and spitefule? I warned you it would happen? When? I told you time and time again - if you don't do it soon, someone else will.
You never said it would be you! You should have read between the lines.
Don.
I'm not clever enough to do that, Jason.
Look, I like Sam.
A lot.
I always have.
So why have you never said anything, then? Because I was being a friend to you.
A friend? A friend?! A friend? A friend, a friend.
A friend? It sounds weird now, doesn't it? A friend.
Look, I backed off for ages.
I kept it to myself and it's been killing me.
How long was I meant to wait? You're clearly never going to do anything.
TOILET FLUSHES Oh, sorry, I thought this was the men's.
Yes, it is the men's.
'So I spent the rest of the night drowning my sorrows.
'I woke up feeling pretty rotten.
' No.
No, I can't have.
Oh fuck! All right? Listen, whatever happened last night stays between us.
Jon Bon Jesus, how drunk did you get me, woman? What you talking about? This! Us! God, I can't even believe I'm saying "us".
I've lowered my standards before, but this is off the scale.
Eurgh! Don't be disgusting.
As if I'd ever have you as a sex opponent.
You mean, we didn't Course not.
Eddie put me in here a couple of hours ago, cos Gollum did poo-poo in bed.
Then who was I? Thank God.
It was just a male midget.
'I wasn't prepared to lose Sam.
'I decided I needed to do something - and quickly.
' Do you not want to say toodle-pip to Jason and Samantha? They just left.
Why would I want to say goodbye to Jason? He stabbed me in the back.
What do you mean? He's trying to steal Sam from me.
I don't understand how he could be so evule.
He's the first proper, normal friend I've ever had.
What about me? I said normal.
Sometimes I just get the feeling people don't care about me, Eddie.
Maybe it's something to do with the way you behave.
Go on.
I know that deep down you're a good person, but maybe if you were a bit nicer to people - a bit more likeable - then you'd be more popular.
APPLAUSE Morning, Don! How was your date last night? Not great.
I was sat there for almost an hour, thinking she must have gotten cold feet.
ALL: Aah.
Turns out I was at the wrong place! LAUGHTER You see, we were meant to meet at Ricky's Diner, but I went to Mickey's Diner! Donald, you are sweet.
CHEERING Morning, Dorothy.
Good morning, lovely boy.
Did you sleep well? Actually, no.
I was up all night tossing and turning.
Same here.
Well, more tossing than turning, if you know what I mean! SILENCE I am trying to be a better person, Eddie.
Look, I'm writing a song for Samantha, for her Christmas present.
Lovely! I want to seduce her with my melodies.
I figure it's the only way I can genuinely express myself without messing it up.
Lovely! Then, when she realises she should be with me, Jason can go fuck himself, deep in his own asshole.
Oh, lovely(!) Could you drive me down to her mum's tonight, to drop it off? I can't, Don.
I'm meant to be dropping Dot off at the elderly centre later.
Please, Eddie.
We'll just drive down, drop off the present and drive back before the old fogey home closes.
Please? Come on, when do I ever ask for anything from you? All right, silly question.
All right, Don.
If it helps you get the girl, then you can count on me.
Why do you keep? I don't know.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas Everywhere you go.
Merry Chrimble, Samantha! Hello.
You back home for the holly-bubs, are you? Yeah.
Jason, these are our neighbours - Anne and Derek Yeaman.
Hi.
Yes, we are.
High on life.
Poppets, come and say greetings.
Hello, do you remember me? What's your name, little fella? Billy.
My name's Samantha.
Jason.
No, Samantha.
She is a beacon of light in a world of darkness.
They chose her name because of me.
And I pray every night that she grows up to look just like you.
Oh, thanks.
Now, now, poppet, behave, otherwise Santa won't visit us tonight.
(Highly unlikely.
) Yes, Dalek has hired a Santa Claus to visit this evening.
Can't wait to see the little mites' faces.
Dalek? It's just a silly nickname for Derek.
Exterminate! Exterminate! Hello! Mum? THEY WHISPER Yes, can I help? Merry Christmas.
I'm sorry, you are? I mean, you resemble my daughter, but it's been so long since she visited, I barely remember what she looks like.
Mother, let's not cause a scene.
We have company, see? You didn't tell me you were bringing a boy.
Yes, this is Jason.
Jeanette Parker, nee Whittle.
Nice to meet you.
What do you do for a living? Mum! What? I'm getting to know the man.
I'm a manager of a shop.
Oh, so, what is it? Is he great in the bedroom? Mum! Drink, Jason? It's two o'clock.
No, it's Christmas.
Yeah, why not? I'll have a You'll have what you're given.
I warned you she can be a total nightmare.
No, she seems fine.
Jason? I'm assuming you'll probably want Malibu.
Am I right? It stinks in here.
Sorry.
That was you? Don't know.
Happens without me knowing these days.
Smells like one of mine, though.
What are we doing? We need to get some snacks.
Dorothy, would you like a refrigerated scotch egg from the petrol shop? Yeah, all right.
You're getting out? You actually want people to know you're the driver of this thing? Why? What's wrong with it? Away in a manger Ah.
Oh, the tree is beautiful, isn't she? Look at me, I'm weeping like a small girl's blouse.
I just love Christmas so much.
Oh, darling.
Listen, why don't you pop yourself upstairs and have a nice, hot, creamy, bubble bath, before (you-know-who arrives)? Good idea, Booby.
I'm a bit of a Sweaty Betty, aren't I? Which one is it? Not sure.
It's one of these.
OK, well, good luck.
Hmmm.
What's up? It seems a shame to come all this way just to drop off a present.
Don, I told you, I have to get back to drop Dorothy off.
No, no, no, it's fine.
We won't stay.
I just want to make a big entrance, win Sam's affections, emotionally seduce her.
So when I leave, she's all like, "Oh, I miss Don, I wish he was still here.
" And then Jason can go fuck himself deep in his own asshole! I saw a man do that once on the internet.
Not as arousing as it sounds.
Yeah, I'm really going to miss you, Dobbo(!) Ooh, why don't you wear my Santa suit? No-one can resist Father Christmas.
Works every time.
Bon Jovi, Eddie, you might be on to something there.
Clever balls.
Oh, come all ye faithful Mummy, look! Oh! Dalek! Dalek! Our guest has arrived.
To Be-ethlehem Come and behold him Born the King of Angels.
I can't wait to see their faces when I bowl in dressed like this.
What an entrance.
Jesus, Eddie, these are massive.
What size are you, you fatty, bum-bum? I like to be very method when I'm playing Santa, Don.
I want it to be authentic.
I suppose you could call my approach "Santaslavski"! HE CHUCKLES Psst! Over here.
That must be Sam's mum.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
Hey.
Hi? Are you Sam's mum? Indeed, I am.
She is going to be so excited to see you.
Really? She mentions me? She talks about nothing else.
Oh, wow.
I have to say, you're much younger than I imagined.
Stop that immediately, St Nicholas.
Come on.
Ding-dong merrily on high.
.
Look who I've just found.
Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas Everybody.
Santa! Oh, erhello, children, have you been good this year? I have, I have.
Yes, yes, yes.
FARTING Did I do it again? SINGS HYMN LUSTILY He's here.
Who's here? The Santa you booked.
He said he wouldn't be here until 8.
30? Is it? Is that your beard? All right, chill your boots.
I love you, Santa.
That's a bit gay.
Where are our presents, Santa? Yeah, we want our presents.
I don't have any presents.
Maybe she's upstairs.
CHANTING: Presents, presents, presents, presents, presents All right, shush your mouths.
I'll give you a present.
There you go.
Now, shut up.
What? Screwdriver.
Anyway, you're throwing me in the old biddies' bin on Monday.
My windy backside will be someone else's problem.
Strange.
Nights, holy night Merry Christmas.
Who's? Keep quiet about this, yeah? Who are you? And what are you doing here? I thought you knew.
I'm here for Samantha.
Oh, Jesus, our Lord and saviour.
What do you want with her? Well I'll be honest, I'm here to seduce her.
Why would you do that? Well, cos she's sexy.
God, you are sick.
I think you should leave, before we call the policeman.
Whoa, no, wait, wait.
I think you've got the wrong end of the stick.
You see I'm fairly certain she feels the same way about me.
We almost made love once.
Oh! Please, come on.
Oh.
Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus Which one's Dickhead? I can't tell.
Stop! I'm not sure, but I think he's the one being hit.
Please.
I'm sorry.
Maybe they didn't like his present.
What's going on? Is everything all right? A paedophile has intruded our home.
Hey, Sam.
Merry Christmas! Don? Well, that went well.
Right, I've calmed the Yeamans' down, they're not going to call the police now.
I should be the one calls them, after what that Santa did to me.
That's what Greg Pitcher's victim said.
You completely ruined their Christmas.
You're such a fuckwit.
I'm sorry.
I was trying to do something nice for you.
Look, I've brought you your present, see? You could have just given this when I got back.
But I wanted you to open it on Christmas Day.
It's avery personal present.
Right.
Well, thanks.
Merry Christmas? Don, are you all right? It's probably time to hit the hay.
Big day tomorrow.
Oh, you're probably right.
Jamal, will you help me up? It's Jason.
It's what? Ooh, haven't you got lovely, long fingers! I wonder what you get up to with those? Right, here you go.
Oh, I thoughtyou know, we We might be sharing.
Oh! Um, Jason, I Look, I really appreciate you coming here with me, but it was never like that.
I thought you knew.
Sorry! No, it's fine.
I didn't have any plans this year, anyway, so, eh Cool.
Yeah.
OK All right.
I'll see you in the morning.
OK.
Not so fast, young man.
If she's not interested, I certainly want to see what you can do with those fingers.
MUSIC: "Mrs Robinson" by Simon and Garfunkel Well, it's too late to drop Dot off now.
I just hope they don't mind us arriving on Christmas morning.
Ah, Dot, are you sure you should be drinking that now? Don't be such a poof! Eddie, I've been thinking.
After she's moved out, there's no real reason for you to be here? I'd still like to come over and help out around the house.
Nothing's changed there.
But I'm moving out soon.
It's time I got used to doing things on my own - without you and Treacher.
AndSam.
But I I' ve already thought about this.
What if Sorry.
But I No.
Maybe I can't.
Don No.
What if I'm sorry.
Don Please.
Don't.
Please .
No.
I can't Stop this madness! Look, it's been great having you around, but I just think we all have to accept it's the end of an era.
OK? Absolutely.
What are you doing? Come on.
No, no, no.
Come on.
Ow.
What have I told you about hugging me? If I ever do it again, you'll kick me the penis? Yes.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm feeling depressed and horny, so I'm going to go upstairs and masturcry.
Goodnight.
Masturcry? Mastur Oh! Oh.
'So on Christmas Day 2011, Eddie took Dorothy Treacher to her new home.
' So, welcome to your new home, Dorothy.
Not very attractive, are they? Oh, it's a companion you're after, is it? Companion, fuck-buddy, sex opponent - whatever you want to call it.
Could we just have a moment, please? Of course.
Dot.
What? What did I tell you about how to behave in this place? Behave as badly as possible? 'Meanwhile, I was spending Christmas Day all on my lonesome.
'At least next year, I'll have loads of money and a new bachelor pad.
'# Tra la la la la, la la la la.
#' So, hello, Samantha.
Welcome to your Christmas present.
I've never been very good at expressing myself, always seem to say the wrong thing, so I've decided to write you a song.
I hope you like it.
Christmas time is for giving And for living out your fantasies So I would like to get naked And by naked, I mean, emotionally I want to tell you what's on my mind I think about you every day and night I just wish you'd spend Christmas time with me That's my fantasy I know I've done some things that are stupid But I hope that one day you will forgive me I want to tell you what's on my mind I think about you every day and night I just wish you'd spend Christmas time with me That's my fantasy You and me That's my fantasy Let's make this a bit more Christmassy, come on Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time.
What are you doing? I want to spend Christmas with Don.
Christmas time.
And mum? Please try and stop hating everyone all the time.
Christmas time I don't hate everyone, do I? Christmas time Christmas time With you, me and you.
Is there any pudding, Eddie? Christmas isn't Christmas without Christmas pudding.
I don't care, I want it now.
You want Christmas pudding, don't you, Samantha? What's that, Gollum? You want to pull a cracker? Yeah, sure, OK.
Grab hold of it.
I win.
You're all right, aren't you? You haven't had a heart attack.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, I suppose I've got to get that, have I? DOORBELL RINGS Is the doorbell actually ringing or is that part of this strangely vivid hallucination I'm having? DOORBELL RINGS All right, I'll get it.
Hey.
What are you doing back? Surprise! 'I couldn't believe it.
Abby Jones, the girl I used to have 'a big thing for, sitting in my living room again.
'I hadn't seen her in over two years.
We spent ages catching up.
' Let me get this straight, you flew to New Zealand, met a guy, you came back, got married, flew back to New Zealand, got divorced and now you're back again.
You make it sound like we were barely married.
How long were you together for? Six months.
Yeah.
All right.
Sorry.
So, I was hoping that there might be room at the inn.
Which inn? Can I crash here for a few days? Oh, right, yes.
Of course you can.
It's just until I get the courage to go home and face the music.
You can stay as long as you like.
You can have my bed if you want.
Don't be daft, I'm fine on the sofa.
Are you insane in the mind? It's freezing down here and we've only got one heater.
I don't mind sharing, that will keep us warm.
Head to toe, like a sleepover? Hmm, sleepover.
Don Danbury, you have not changed.
You mean I haven't aged? Thank you very much.
I wasn't saying that.
Oi! I'm just going to go and check to see what state my room's in.
Don! Oh.
Sorry, I didn't know that Don had company.
I'm Abby.
Abby.
Yeah, right, Don's mentioned you.
Sorry, you are? Sam, Don'sflatmate.
He didn't mention he had a flatmate.
He didn't? No, of course he didn't.
I mean, why would he? Abigail, are you coming up or what? It was really lovely to meet you, Sam.
No, no, they're a bit tight.
They're pinching me.
Can I have a word? You can have two if you like.
One of them's "off".
Don, I've come to apologise.
It's a bit late, innit? Please, can we talk in private? Lover's tiff? Look, Don, I'm sorry, OK? Are you? Are you sorry? Are you actually sorry? You know, I have feelings too.
I've been besotted with Sam for ages.
I've had to sit here and listen to you go on and on about it.
How about you listen to how I feel? I listen.
I'm a great listener.
People call me "The Listener".
Look, I thought about what I did to you and, yeah, I could have handled it better.
I'm sorry.
I'm actually quite ashamed.
Look, if I'm being honest, I'm just a bit lonely, Don, and I just want to be You think we could complete in two days? Don! I'll call you back.
Sorry, what? Never mind.
So, anyway, I hear Abby's back in town, right? How did you hear about that? Well, Sam told me.
You've seen Sam? Where is she? She hasn't been to the house.
Well, you're shacked up with Abby, aren't you? I'm not shacked up with Abby! That's what Sam seems to think.
What? No! No! I don't get it.
Why does she think you are, then? Oi, Abigail, are you coming up or what? It was really lovely to meet you, Sam.
Hey.
Hey.
You didn't tell me you had a gorgeous new flatmate! Oh, what, Sam? Yeah.
She's been here a while now.
She seems really nice.
How would you know? I just met her.
Downstairs.
Sam! Sam? Are you sure it was her? No, you're right, I must have imagined talking to her.
I don't get it.
Don, what is going on? This may be the most grown-up thing I've ever said, but I don't think I can sleep with you tonight.
We were only sharing a bed.
Yeah, but it might have led to something.
It wouldn't.
It might, you know what it's like.
It wouldn't have.
Cuddling, spooning.
It really wouldn't have.
Don't get me wrong, I used to have a crush on you.
I can't believe I finally admitted that! See? I can express myself.
I'm growing up.
But I love Sam.
She's the first person I've ever developed a proper connection with.
'I waited up all night for Sam to return.
'But she never did.
' So now, she won't even return my calls.
SOBBING Dude, are you crying? You really love her, don't you? And she doesn't even know it.
Hey.
Hey, there, there.
I'm sorry.
I'm just an old romantic at heart.
You're telling me! Hey, listen, if the Bridges of Madison County ever comes on your telly, switch it over.
That would floor you! Yeah! People can see us! Come on, Jase, tell me where Sam is, please.
She's staying at mine.
What are you doing? I'm going to see her.
She's out.
She knew you'd be out, so she went to get her stuff from your place.
Donald! We need to have words.
Look, I'm sorry, but I've got to go.
I don't think so, Mister, come here, immediately.
I'll deal with this.
Go! Get out of the way.
Get out! I will step over you.
Sam! Sam? Has Sam been back here? Yes, she left about 20 minutes ago.
She was in a bit of a panic.
What do you mean? She mentioned a message on the answer machine.
She was a bit frosty with me, to be honest, so I just kept out of her way.
'Hi, there, this is Belinda Myers from the Elderly Centre.
'We're having a bit of an emergency with Dorothy Treacher and wondered 'if you could pop down as soon as possible.
' I didn't know people still had an answering machines! I didn't know WE had one.
Listen, Abby, I need your help.
I've got to try and win Sam back.
I'm all yours.
What do you need? KNOCK AT DOOR Please open the door, Dorothy.
Treach, it's me, Sam.
I just swung by for a visit.
Hey, is everything OK? Thanks for coming.
It's all right, I'm here for her.
Right, she's locked herself in her room No, no, no, I'm here for HER.
We need to talk.
Don, we're worried about Treacher.
She's been in there for ages.
I'm not with Abby.
I never was.
Well, what's she doing here, then? She just gave me a lift.
I wanted to help him get to you.
What's going on? I'm trying to win Sam back.
Actually, we're trying to help Dorothy.
We're trying to help Dorothy, but while they're doing that, I'm trying to win Sam back.
I'll go for the door.
I saw her go up to you.
Then I came back down, but you were gone.
Sam, you have always been the one for me.
We're the same.
Do you really think this can work? I mean, we are both terrible at relationships.
Exactly, we're the same.
Please open the door, Dorothy.
I listened to that song you wrote.
And? I loved it.
Holy Costner.
For BLEEP sake, Henry, will you just get it in me.
It's no use, Dorothy.
Too many creases and wrinkles and I can't tell which one's your muffin.
I'm sorry, but in all the time I've worked here, I've never seen such disgusting things.
And I've worked here for three weeks.
She's a bad influence.
She's been here for six days and she's created chaos.
She steals medication, she crushes her pills and snorts them, uses profanities at the top of her voice, she walks around in the nude, she sexually dominates the weaker gentleman.
ALL: Aw! Classic Treacher.
It pains me to say this, but we're going to have to let her go, I'm sorry.
No! What? You can't do that.
She's got nowhere else to go.
I got here as quick as I could.
Why? I don't know.
Eddie, can you look after her for a while, just till we find another place to go? I'd love to, but I'm sleeping in the Santa van at the moment.
Living the American dream.
Stop it.
Sorry.
Could you do it? Me? No, I can't.
I don't know where I'm going to be.
I'll take her.
What? No, she'll just have to find another place again when you move out.
Not if I don't sell.
Guys, I spent one day in that house on my own and I almost went insane.
All right, I went insane.
Look, you're my family and I missed you.
Yes, even Gollum, believe it or not.
That will be a lot of money you are turning down.
I don't care.
I'm willing to make that sacrifice.
You see, I'm growing up and taking some responsibility.
And now that I've grown up and become a man, there's just one last thing I need to say to you.
What's that? Will you come out with me? SHE LAUGHS Oh Yes! Oh, why did you wait that long?! That was like an X Factor result pause! That was horrible! Come here.
I told you it would work, didn't I? Dot? What? What did I tell you about how to behave in this place? Behave as badly as possible? Exactly.
Hey, you're not going to grow up too much, are you? Because I quite like the fact that you're a bit of a fuckwit.
Hmm.
"Cool-smart".
Come on, everybody! Ten ALL: Nineeight Wait, is it the time already? ALL: .
.
six No, it's just gone six.
They need to be in bed, so we're pretending it's 12 already.
ALL: .
.
twoone ALL: Happy New Year! CHEERING Should auld acquaintance be forgot And never brought to mind Walking through the doors to somewhere else Turning the handle I watched it melt - all over me Picking up the ways I couldn't be Picking up the things I never see In front of my eyes Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Took a little time but now he's changed Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Took a little time but now he's changed Whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa Took a little time but now he's changed Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Is it going to be all right now? Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Is it going to be? Is it going to be? Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Yeah, it's going to be all right Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right It's not going to be all right Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? THEY CHEER
Well, now you're single, you can have some fun.
I've already started! You little minx! Come on who was it? Was he fit? Kind of, yeah.
He's about five-eleven, good teeth, slightly wonky eyes, thin hair.
He sounds vile.
How drunk were you? I was pretty pissed, actually.
I just recall waking up in his weird house and meeting his freaky friends.
This programme contains adult behaviour and some strong language Morning.
Can I get you some breakfast? Argh! No, I won't suck you off, Louis Walsh! What's going on? There's a strange man in your room.
No, he's all right.
He's just here to take our breakfast order, eh, Eddie? That's right, Don.
Plus, I just gave him a quick bed bath.
He does tend to get a bit pongy after intercourse.
Argh! Argh! 'And if that wasn't bad enough, 'I was getting out of his shower when suddenly' Argh! All right? The toilet's blocked.
Dickhead won't pay to get it fixed.
Oh, get me out of here.
'And then the strangest thing' Oh.
Ah, let me guess, you slept with Don, woke up to find an overgrown baby sat on the edge of the bed offering you some breakfast and then met an old lady who looks surprisingly similar to Gollum, probably doing something incredibly vile? Urgh.
SHE GIGGLES No doubt she'll be ringing me up soon, requesting another session with the quim ninja.
Erm, she didn't look like a returner, to me.
Wait Has there ever been a returner? Oh, you're so evil, Samantha.
Oh, poor Donald.
If it's any consolation, I think I'm just as bad with relationships as you are.
Right, I'm going to go for a bath, before uni.
Is the hot water back on, Eddie? Oh, you betsy.
Fixed the boiler last night.
Must tackle the loo next.
Exactly.
There is a massive shit in the bathtub! Gollum went poo-poo! Ah, Christmas.
The time for the sharing and giving.
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
Families together.
And, of course, Santa.
Well, two Santas .
.
beating the crap out of each other.
Yep, that's me.
You probably want to know what's going on.
Let me take you back a few weeks, to the beginning of December.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas.
Guess what I've just got a job as? Erm Elvis impersonator? No.
A lap dancer? God, no.
Roller skating waitress in a 1950s themed restaurant? That's a good one! No! I'm the local community centre's new Santa Claus.
No, I don't see it.
What happened to Greg Pitcher? He's been doing Santa for years.
Oh no, poor Mr Pitcher can't do it this year.
How come? I can't remember.
I think he's got a cold or something.
Oh no, that's it! He was caught having sexual intercourse with a child.
Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas! Hang on, what about Gollum? I thought you were meant to be looking after her.
Oh no, that's the great thing, I get to bring her along.
All right? The kids adore her! Argh! It's a massive rat! They give her all kind of pet names.
Eddie I'm hungry, make me dinner.
Now, Dot, that's not really the way to ask, now is it? Oh, BLEEP off, you BLEEPing BLEEPing BLEEP.
I'm telling you, she is getting worse.
I have never met an old person like her.
You know, the other day she asked me if I used a vibrator.
Eugh! Do you? That is not the point.
What is the point? She asked if she could borrow it.
Oh! And did she? Oh you! 'I'm still crazy about Sam.
'I'm starting to think I've missed my opportunity.
' I don't know what's wrong with me.
I use to be so confident.
But with Sam, I'm just nervous she's going to knock me back.
What do you think? I think they're too small, can I try the size 9s? Certainly, sir.
'I started working in a shoe shop about a month ago.
'The art galley closed down, so I had to get a proper job.
And it sucks.
' Urgh! You couldn't just have worn some socks? But I hate wearing foot shoes.
I like to let my toes breathe.
'I hate everything about this job, especially my boss.
' Don.
Can I have a word, please? 'Oh no, Jason's not my boss, not any more, anyway.
' Do you want to grab some lunch? Oh, yes, please.
Hello, where do you think you're going, Pops? 'This is my boss.
' Oh, lunch.
It's 12.
59.
Yeah, lunch is at one.
It's not one, though, is it? It's 12.
59.
I think someone's overdue to know the difference.
Right.
Off you scoot.
And I'd try avoiding the carbs.
I know what people your age are like for napping in the afternoon.
Why do you keep calling me old? We're practically the same age.
I don't think so, Gramps.
I'm 24, what are you, 40? I'm 29! Ha! All right I'm 30something.
Yeah.
'Jason also got a job in the shopping centre.
He is the manager of a posh supermarket.
' I miss the art gallery.
We used to have such a laugh, didn't we? Don, you were the bane of my life.
Oh, thanks, Jace! 'I never would have predicted it, but we've become good friends.
' Where are you going to be this Christmas? Just at home on my own, I guess.
That's depressing.
Yeah.
Do you always spend it alone? No, not always.
Merry Christmas, Mr Homeless Man.
Merry Christmas, Don.
Ooh, somebody's had too much! No, no turkey this year, but I've got a lovely big ham.
I'm afraid you are just for Christmas.
So you still not made a move on Sam yet? No.
Why? Her and Brian broke up ages ago.
Oh, we're getting on really well at the moment.
I don't want to balls it upagain.
I'm waiting for the right moment.
A little advice - don't dilly-dally too long.
Sam's a beautiful woman.
Someone else will get in there if you don't hurry up.
'So, life was pretty shit - 30-something, single, terrible job and I live with this.
' This cup of tea tastes of BLEEPing BLEEP! Dorothy Treacher, if you continue acting like a child, I shall put you across my knee.
Oh BLEEP this BLEEP, I'm going for a bath.
What the hell? Eddie, don't you think it's time we put Treacher in a home? No, you can't do that, they're awful.
Hey, you're insulting one of the places Eddie works, Missy.
Sorry, Eddie.
No, that's all right, I agree with you.
That's why I mainly do home visits.
It upsets me to see the elderly being thrown out by their families, like they're being tossed in a bin.
Come on, Eddie, she's getting out of hand.
Try and get her in an old people's bin.
Don! Sorry.
Try and get her in an old people's bin, please.
That's better.
There's no hot water.
Oh, not again.
I've only just fixed the boiler.
How am I meant to have a bath? I'm sorry, Dot, you will have to Oh, dear God! Dorothy, put some clothes on immediately.
Why? Too arousing for you? BLEEP.
I can't believe I just saw Gollum's ning-ning.
I can't believe she's got a Brazilian! I think it might be time to get rid of the old boiler.
That's what I have been saying, she's nuts in the mind.
What? No, I'm talking about the boiler - the pressure vessel for heating water.
Oh, right.
Yeah, come on, landlord, step up to your responsibilities.
Excuse me, but do you know how much a boiler costs these days? No, how much? No I'm asking, do you know how much? Because I've already got to fork out for the toilet, the roof's leaking, the whole place is falling apart and I'm skint.
I'm telling you, I'm going to need a miracle.
What's that? This morning's post.
Oh, will you please put some clothes on? It's like a large pale raisin's walking about the place.
Oh God.
I think it's from my solicitors, Smith and Bitchman.
How can you tell? Well, it says it's from my solicitors, Smith and Bitchman.
Oh.
Great just what I need.
More bad news about the house.
John Bon Jesus! What is it? Is it bad? It says I'm up-to-date on all payments and if I so wish, I can sell the house.
Woo-hoo! I'm rich! I'm stinking filthy rich.
Woo-hoo-hoo! Ha-ha! See you later, you rotting, falling apart, pathetic excuse of a house.
I'm off.
I'm out of here.
Woo-hoo! Baby, you're a rich man Baby you're a rich man Baby, you're a rich man, too! Be a rich man, baby You're a rich man, baby What? Enjoying yourself? You're not really going to sell, are you, Don? No, you're right, Eddie, what was I thinking? Why would I want to make thousands of pounds, when I could just stay here and live in this shithole? Congratulations, Don, I'm really happy for you.
This is it, Eddie.
Next year's going to be my year, I can feel it.
Getting rid of the dead wood - the house, Treacher This bit of dead wood.
Right, remember to speak to the old people's home, yeah? Baby, you're a rich man Baby, you're a rich man.
We are pretty full now, but there is a space coming up on Christmas Eve for Dorothy.
Not normally a great time for people.
No.
No, that's great.
Thank you, Belinda.
Hey, don't be so down, she'll be fine here.
Oh no, I'm fine, honestly.
'But I wasn't fine, I felt like I was losing everyone.
'Darn it, Eddie, you forgot the first rule of caring - 'never get too close to them - and, boy, did I get too close.
' SILENCE What are you doing? SILENCE Oh, am I doing the mouth thing again? Sorry, that's just a bad habit I picked up from my friend, Don.
'While Eddie was sorting out Treacher's new home, I went to see a property developer.
'My solicitors told me it would be more profitable 'than if I just sold it through an estate agent.
' SILENCE Eh, you do realise you're just mouthing words, right? Oh, sorry, yeah I do that sometimes.
I find it hard to think and speak at the same time.
Right.
So let me tell you exactly what we do here, Don.
'Eddie wasn't too happy about this, though.
'He's worried about what they might do to the house.
' He told me to be easily won over by whatever they are going to offer you.
Find out what they are going to do with it, first.
It's a beautiful building.
Please don't forget that.
Let me cut to the chase, Don.
We're willing to pay twice what you'd get.
I'm in, where do I sign? What? Really? God, I'm good.
That was easy.
I mean, normally people get a bit put off when they hear we're knocking down their beautiful home and replacing it with an ugly-looking block of ugly-looking flats.
You are doing what now? Nothing.
So let's wrap this deal up ASAP and then we can get you that lovely large sum of money.
How does that sound, Don? Oh, yes, please.
SILENCE You know you're doing it now? Am I? Shit.
Right, do you want the good news or the bad news first? Always best to end on a positive.
Let's have the bad news first.
The good news is, on January 2, I'm going to have lots of gorgeous money entering my bank account.
Oh! And the bad news? Well, the bad news is, they're grrldddtt the house.
Sorry? What? They're going to ock down the house.
No, didn't catch that.
They're going to ock down the house.
Don, for some reason I can't seem to understand what you're saying.
They're going to knock down the house! Oh, Don.
It turns out Costner was wrong all along.
It is, "If you knock it down, they will come.
" You BLEEPing idiot.
Look, it's my house, OK? She's talking to the telly, Don, not you.
It's Deal Or No Deal, it always gets her in a tizzle.
Oh, yeah, look, he's saying no to a seven grand offer.
Idiot! Not him.
The other one.
There! That's Noel Edmonds, the presenter.
I know, look at him.
BLEEPing idiot! Don, seeing as Dorothy's going to be leaving us on Christmas Eve, what do you about us all going out for a farewell dinner tonight? I've heard about this fantastic new steak house, called Meat Freaks.
You know, for people who are freaks for meat.
OK.
'I could tell Sam was annoyed with me.
'I thought I'd better smooth things over.
' Do you hate me? Of course I don't.
I just think you could have looked at other options first, but it's your house.
They've offered me a lot of money.
I know and I am happy for you.
I guess I'm just sad to see the old place go.
I'm going to miss it.
Hey, Zeus! I never thought I'd say that! You could move in with me to my next place.
What? Yeah, why not, until you finish your last term? We wouldn't have to put up with the Krankies any more.
Oh, I'm going to be miss being part of the Addams Family.
Do you think that we'd get on, though? I mean, just the two of us? Get IT on, more like.
Don! What? I thought you were being serious, then.
I was.
I am.
I'm sorry! Oh.
'Smooth, eh?' Oh, that's won-tabulous! We'll see you at 2000 hours, then.
Toodle-pip! That's great.
Table for five booked at Meat Freaks.
I'd better get you into some gladrags, Dorothy - excited? Good.
Thought you'd appreciate that.
'That night, we all went out for Treacher's farewell dinner.
' Hi, we have a reservation? Name? Edward Janet Singh.
Ah, yes, follow me, sir.
Was she just wearing stockings? This is a strange restaurant.
Hi, guys, what can I get you? Erm Steaks all round? I'm afraid we don't do food.
This is Meat Freaks, isn't it? Certainly is! What is it, are we not all freaky enough for you? Hang on, do you mean meat freaks, as in, let's go and meet some freaks? You've got it.
We're the number one nightspot for celebrating the weird and wonderful.
You thought this was a steakhouse! I'll let you decide on your ord- Oh! Where did you get the massive rat? Freaky! (I like it!) I should have known, he's done this sort of thing before.
The other week, it was Chicks With Dicks.
Surely that was obvious? Turns out it was a nightclub where women are only allowed in with someone called Richard.
Hang on, you actually wanted it to be chicks with dicks? Right, so I'm assuming we all want to go somewhere else, right? Hang on a minute.
I didn't say I wanted to go, did I? It is Dorothy's farewell.
OK.
Hey, what's the worst that could happen? UPBEAT TRUMPET WITH MUTE PLAYS It's weird, being in a club and not being hit on by any dickheads.
It's a compliment.
People come here to meet someone strange.
Exhibit A.
You didn't come out hoping to meet someone, did you? Of course not.
But it's Christmas! It's a bit shit being single this time of year.
Anyway, I'm going to go for a Francis of Apee-pee.
Oh, and yes, Don, I would love another drink, thank you(!) Well? Surely now's your moment? Really? She's practically begging for a boyfriend.
I didn't get that.
Are you an idiot? No, Jason, and it hurts my feelings you even asking.
That's it, I give up.
Clearly you don't like her as much as you say.
You not pulled yet, Gollum? I would have thought they'd love you! You may be surprised, but I prefer the conventional type.
You know - handsome, debonaire.
That IS surprising.
And a massive cock.
Right, great.
Hey.
Hey.
You all right? Yeah, great.
Well, maybe not great.
I'm dreading tomorrow, to be honest.
Why? It's Christmas Eve! Yeah, and I'm spending it with my mum this year.
I feel bad, but we just argue all the time, so I think, what's the point in going? And she always gives me such a hard time about men.
I'm only 26 and she says I'm wasting my life by being single.
That's ridiculous.
Isn't it?! Having said that, I do wish that I had someone to take with me, just to shut her up.
I think I know someone who might do that for you.
Really? Who? Hey, what's everyone drinking? Wow, you've perked up.
Yeah.
I don't feel so bad about going down to my mum's now.
Cool.
Yeah, Jason said he'd come with me.
It's really sweet of him, isn't it? Yeah.
What?! I can't believe you're trying to steal Sam from me.
She's not yours to steal.
How could you be so evule and hurtfule and spitefule? I warned you it would happen? When? I told you time and time again - if you don't do it soon, someone else will.
You never said it would be you! You should have read between the lines.
Don.
I'm not clever enough to do that, Jason.
Look, I like Sam.
A lot.
I always have.
So why have you never said anything, then? Because I was being a friend to you.
A friend? A friend?! A friend? A friend, a friend.
A friend? It sounds weird now, doesn't it? A friend.
Look, I backed off for ages.
I kept it to myself and it's been killing me.
How long was I meant to wait? You're clearly never going to do anything.
TOILET FLUSHES Oh, sorry, I thought this was the men's.
Yes, it is the men's.
'So I spent the rest of the night drowning my sorrows.
'I woke up feeling pretty rotten.
' No.
No, I can't have.
Oh fuck! All right? Listen, whatever happened last night stays between us.
Jon Bon Jesus, how drunk did you get me, woman? What you talking about? This! Us! God, I can't even believe I'm saying "us".
I've lowered my standards before, but this is off the scale.
Eurgh! Don't be disgusting.
As if I'd ever have you as a sex opponent.
You mean, we didn't Course not.
Eddie put me in here a couple of hours ago, cos Gollum did poo-poo in bed.
Then who was I? Thank God.
It was just a male midget.
'I wasn't prepared to lose Sam.
'I decided I needed to do something - and quickly.
' Do you not want to say toodle-pip to Jason and Samantha? They just left.
Why would I want to say goodbye to Jason? He stabbed me in the back.
What do you mean? He's trying to steal Sam from me.
I don't understand how he could be so evule.
He's the first proper, normal friend I've ever had.
What about me? I said normal.
Sometimes I just get the feeling people don't care about me, Eddie.
Maybe it's something to do with the way you behave.
Go on.
I know that deep down you're a good person, but maybe if you were a bit nicer to people - a bit more likeable - then you'd be more popular.
APPLAUSE Morning, Don! How was your date last night? Not great.
I was sat there for almost an hour, thinking she must have gotten cold feet.
ALL: Aah.
Turns out I was at the wrong place! LAUGHTER You see, we were meant to meet at Ricky's Diner, but I went to Mickey's Diner! Donald, you are sweet.
CHEERING Morning, Dorothy.
Good morning, lovely boy.
Did you sleep well? Actually, no.
I was up all night tossing and turning.
Same here.
Well, more tossing than turning, if you know what I mean! SILENCE I am trying to be a better person, Eddie.
Look, I'm writing a song for Samantha, for her Christmas present.
Lovely! I want to seduce her with my melodies.
I figure it's the only way I can genuinely express myself without messing it up.
Lovely! Then, when she realises she should be with me, Jason can go fuck himself, deep in his own asshole.
Oh, lovely(!) Could you drive me down to her mum's tonight, to drop it off? I can't, Don.
I'm meant to be dropping Dot off at the elderly centre later.
Please, Eddie.
We'll just drive down, drop off the present and drive back before the old fogey home closes.
Please? Come on, when do I ever ask for anything from you? All right, silly question.
All right, Don.
If it helps you get the girl, then you can count on me.
Why do you keep? I don't know.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas Everywhere you go.
Merry Chrimble, Samantha! Hello.
You back home for the holly-bubs, are you? Yeah.
Jason, these are our neighbours - Anne and Derek Yeaman.
Hi.
Yes, we are.
High on life.
Poppets, come and say greetings.
Hello, do you remember me? What's your name, little fella? Billy.
My name's Samantha.
Jason.
No, Samantha.
She is a beacon of light in a world of darkness.
They chose her name because of me.
And I pray every night that she grows up to look just like you.
Oh, thanks.
Now, now, poppet, behave, otherwise Santa won't visit us tonight.
(Highly unlikely.
) Yes, Dalek has hired a Santa Claus to visit this evening.
Can't wait to see the little mites' faces.
Dalek? It's just a silly nickname for Derek.
Exterminate! Exterminate! Hello! Mum? THEY WHISPER Yes, can I help? Merry Christmas.
I'm sorry, you are? I mean, you resemble my daughter, but it's been so long since she visited, I barely remember what she looks like.
Mother, let's not cause a scene.
We have company, see? You didn't tell me you were bringing a boy.
Yes, this is Jason.
Jeanette Parker, nee Whittle.
Nice to meet you.
What do you do for a living? Mum! What? I'm getting to know the man.
I'm a manager of a shop.
Oh, so, what is it? Is he great in the bedroom? Mum! Drink, Jason? It's two o'clock.
No, it's Christmas.
Yeah, why not? I'll have a You'll have what you're given.
I warned you she can be a total nightmare.
No, she seems fine.
Jason? I'm assuming you'll probably want Malibu.
Am I right? It stinks in here.
Sorry.
That was you? Don't know.
Happens without me knowing these days.
Smells like one of mine, though.
What are we doing? We need to get some snacks.
Dorothy, would you like a refrigerated scotch egg from the petrol shop? Yeah, all right.
You're getting out? You actually want people to know you're the driver of this thing? Why? What's wrong with it? Away in a manger Ah.
Oh, the tree is beautiful, isn't she? Look at me, I'm weeping like a small girl's blouse.
I just love Christmas so much.
Oh, darling.
Listen, why don't you pop yourself upstairs and have a nice, hot, creamy, bubble bath, before (you-know-who arrives)? Good idea, Booby.
I'm a bit of a Sweaty Betty, aren't I? Which one is it? Not sure.
It's one of these.
OK, well, good luck.
Hmmm.
What's up? It seems a shame to come all this way just to drop off a present.
Don, I told you, I have to get back to drop Dorothy off.
No, no, no, it's fine.
We won't stay.
I just want to make a big entrance, win Sam's affections, emotionally seduce her.
So when I leave, she's all like, "Oh, I miss Don, I wish he was still here.
" And then Jason can go fuck himself deep in his own asshole! I saw a man do that once on the internet.
Not as arousing as it sounds.
Yeah, I'm really going to miss you, Dobbo(!) Ooh, why don't you wear my Santa suit? No-one can resist Father Christmas.
Works every time.
Bon Jovi, Eddie, you might be on to something there.
Clever balls.
Oh, come all ye faithful Mummy, look! Oh! Dalek! Dalek! Our guest has arrived.
To Be-ethlehem Come and behold him Born the King of Angels.
I can't wait to see their faces when I bowl in dressed like this.
What an entrance.
Jesus, Eddie, these are massive.
What size are you, you fatty, bum-bum? I like to be very method when I'm playing Santa, Don.
I want it to be authentic.
I suppose you could call my approach "Santaslavski"! HE CHUCKLES Psst! Over here.
That must be Sam's mum.
Wish me luck.
Good luck.
Hey.
Hi? Are you Sam's mum? Indeed, I am.
She is going to be so excited to see you.
Really? She mentions me? She talks about nothing else.
Oh, wow.
I have to say, you're much younger than I imagined.
Stop that immediately, St Nicholas.
Come on.
Ding-dong merrily on high.
.
Look who I've just found.
Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas Everybody.
Santa! Oh, erhello, children, have you been good this year? I have, I have.
Yes, yes, yes.
FARTING Did I do it again? SINGS HYMN LUSTILY He's here.
Who's here? The Santa you booked.
He said he wouldn't be here until 8.
30? Is it? Is that your beard? All right, chill your boots.
I love you, Santa.
That's a bit gay.
Where are our presents, Santa? Yeah, we want our presents.
I don't have any presents.
Maybe she's upstairs.
CHANTING: Presents, presents, presents, presents, presents All right, shush your mouths.
I'll give you a present.
There you go.
Now, shut up.
What? Screwdriver.
Anyway, you're throwing me in the old biddies' bin on Monday.
My windy backside will be someone else's problem.
Strange.
Nights, holy night Merry Christmas.
Who's? Keep quiet about this, yeah? Who are you? And what are you doing here? I thought you knew.
I'm here for Samantha.
Oh, Jesus, our Lord and saviour.
What do you want with her? Well I'll be honest, I'm here to seduce her.
Why would you do that? Well, cos she's sexy.
God, you are sick.
I think you should leave, before we call the policeman.
Whoa, no, wait, wait.
I think you've got the wrong end of the stick.
You see I'm fairly certain she feels the same way about me.
We almost made love once.
Oh! Please, come on.
Oh.
Here comes Santa Claus Here comes Santa Claus Which one's Dickhead? I can't tell.
Stop! I'm not sure, but I think he's the one being hit.
Please.
I'm sorry.
Maybe they didn't like his present.
What's going on? Is everything all right? A paedophile has intruded our home.
Hey, Sam.
Merry Christmas! Don? Well, that went well.
Right, I've calmed the Yeamans' down, they're not going to call the police now.
I should be the one calls them, after what that Santa did to me.
That's what Greg Pitcher's victim said.
You completely ruined their Christmas.
You're such a fuckwit.
I'm sorry.
I was trying to do something nice for you.
Look, I've brought you your present, see? You could have just given this when I got back.
But I wanted you to open it on Christmas Day.
It's avery personal present.
Right.
Well, thanks.
Merry Christmas? Don, are you all right? It's probably time to hit the hay.
Big day tomorrow.
Oh, you're probably right.
Jamal, will you help me up? It's Jason.
It's what? Ooh, haven't you got lovely, long fingers! I wonder what you get up to with those? Right, here you go.
Oh, I thoughtyou know, we We might be sharing.
Oh! Um, Jason, I Look, I really appreciate you coming here with me, but it was never like that.
I thought you knew.
Sorry! No, it's fine.
I didn't have any plans this year, anyway, so, eh Cool.
Yeah.
OK All right.
I'll see you in the morning.
OK.
Not so fast, young man.
If she's not interested, I certainly want to see what you can do with those fingers.
MUSIC: "Mrs Robinson" by Simon and Garfunkel Well, it's too late to drop Dot off now.
I just hope they don't mind us arriving on Christmas morning.
Ah, Dot, are you sure you should be drinking that now? Don't be such a poof! Eddie, I've been thinking.
After she's moved out, there's no real reason for you to be here? I'd still like to come over and help out around the house.
Nothing's changed there.
But I'm moving out soon.
It's time I got used to doing things on my own - without you and Treacher.
AndSam.
But I I' ve already thought about this.
What if Sorry.
But I No.
Maybe I can't.
Don No.
What if I'm sorry.
Don Please.
Don't.
Please .
No.
I can't Stop this madness! Look, it's been great having you around, but I just think we all have to accept it's the end of an era.
OK? Absolutely.
What are you doing? Come on.
No, no, no.
Come on.
Ow.
What have I told you about hugging me? If I ever do it again, you'll kick me the penis? Yes.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm feeling depressed and horny, so I'm going to go upstairs and masturcry.
Goodnight.
Masturcry? Mastur Oh! Oh.
'So on Christmas Day 2011, Eddie took Dorothy Treacher to her new home.
' So, welcome to your new home, Dorothy.
Not very attractive, are they? Oh, it's a companion you're after, is it? Companion, fuck-buddy, sex opponent - whatever you want to call it.
Could we just have a moment, please? Of course.
Dot.
What? What did I tell you about how to behave in this place? Behave as badly as possible? 'Meanwhile, I was spending Christmas Day all on my lonesome.
'At least next year, I'll have loads of money and a new bachelor pad.
'# Tra la la la la, la la la la.
#' So, hello, Samantha.
Welcome to your Christmas present.
I've never been very good at expressing myself, always seem to say the wrong thing, so I've decided to write you a song.
I hope you like it.
Christmas time is for giving And for living out your fantasies So I would like to get naked And by naked, I mean, emotionally I want to tell you what's on my mind I think about you every day and night I just wish you'd spend Christmas time with me That's my fantasy I know I've done some things that are stupid But I hope that one day you will forgive me I want to tell you what's on my mind I think about you every day and night I just wish you'd spend Christmas time with me That's my fantasy You and me That's my fantasy Let's make this a bit more Christmassy, come on Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time Hear the bells ringing out Christmas time.
What are you doing? I want to spend Christmas with Don.
Christmas time.
And mum? Please try and stop hating everyone all the time.
Christmas time I don't hate everyone, do I? Christmas time Christmas time With you, me and you.
Is there any pudding, Eddie? Christmas isn't Christmas without Christmas pudding.
I don't care, I want it now.
You want Christmas pudding, don't you, Samantha? What's that, Gollum? You want to pull a cracker? Yeah, sure, OK.
Grab hold of it.
I win.
You're all right, aren't you? You haven't had a heart attack.
DOORBELL RINGS Oh, I suppose I've got to get that, have I? DOORBELL RINGS Is the doorbell actually ringing or is that part of this strangely vivid hallucination I'm having? DOORBELL RINGS All right, I'll get it.
Hey.
What are you doing back? Surprise! 'I couldn't believe it.
Abby Jones, the girl I used to have 'a big thing for, sitting in my living room again.
'I hadn't seen her in over two years.
We spent ages catching up.
' Let me get this straight, you flew to New Zealand, met a guy, you came back, got married, flew back to New Zealand, got divorced and now you're back again.
You make it sound like we were barely married.
How long were you together for? Six months.
Yeah.
All right.
Sorry.
So, I was hoping that there might be room at the inn.
Which inn? Can I crash here for a few days? Oh, right, yes.
Of course you can.
It's just until I get the courage to go home and face the music.
You can stay as long as you like.
You can have my bed if you want.
Don't be daft, I'm fine on the sofa.
Are you insane in the mind? It's freezing down here and we've only got one heater.
I don't mind sharing, that will keep us warm.
Head to toe, like a sleepover? Hmm, sleepover.
Don Danbury, you have not changed.
You mean I haven't aged? Thank you very much.
I wasn't saying that.
Oi! I'm just going to go and check to see what state my room's in.
Don! Oh.
Sorry, I didn't know that Don had company.
I'm Abby.
Abby.
Yeah, right, Don's mentioned you.
Sorry, you are? Sam, Don'sflatmate.
He didn't mention he had a flatmate.
He didn't? No, of course he didn't.
I mean, why would he? Abigail, are you coming up or what? It was really lovely to meet you, Sam.
No, no, they're a bit tight.
They're pinching me.
Can I have a word? You can have two if you like.
One of them's "off".
Don, I've come to apologise.
It's a bit late, innit? Please, can we talk in private? Lover's tiff? Look, Don, I'm sorry, OK? Are you? Are you sorry? Are you actually sorry? You know, I have feelings too.
I've been besotted with Sam for ages.
I've had to sit here and listen to you go on and on about it.
How about you listen to how I feel? I listen.
I'm a great listener.
People call me "The Listener".
Look, I thought about what I did to you and, yeah, I could have handled it better.
I'm sorry.
I'm actually quite ashamed.
Look, if I'm being honest, I'm just a bit lonely, Don, and I just want to be You think we could complete in two days? Don! I'll call you back.
Sorry, what? Never mind.
So, anyway, I hear Abby's back in town, right? How did you hear about that? Well, Sam told me.
You've seen Sam? Where is she? She hasn't been to the house.
Well, you're shacked up with Abby, aren't you? I'm not shacked up with Abby! That's what Sam seems to think.
What? No! No! I don't get it.
Why does she think you are, then? Oi, Abigail, are you coming up or what? It was really lovely to meet you, Sam.
Hey.
Hey.
You didn't tell me you had a gorgeous new flatmate! Oh, what, Sam? Yeah.
She's been here a while now.
She seems really nice.
How would you know? I just met her.
Downstairs.
Sam! Sam? Are you sure it was her? No, you're right, I must have imagined talking to her.
I don't get it.
Don, what is going on? This may be the most grown-up thing I've ever said, but I don't think I can sleep with you tonight.
We were only sharing a bed.
Yeah, but it might have led to something.
It wouldn't.
It might, you know what it's like.
It wouldn't have.
Cuddling, spooning.
It really wouldn't have.
Don't get me wrong, I used to have a crush on you.
I can't believe I finally admitted that! See? I can express myself.
I'm growing up.
But I love Sam.
She's the first person I've ever developed a proper connection with.
'I waited up all night for Sam to return.
'But she never did.
' So now, she won't even return my calls.
SOBBING Dude, are you crying? You really love her, don't you? And she doesn't even know it.
Hey.
Hey, there, there.
I'm sorry.
I'm just an old romantic at heart.
You're telling me! Hey, listen, if the Bridges of Madison County ever comes on your telly, switch it over.
That would floor you! Yeah! People can see us! Come on, Jase, tell me where Sam is, please.
She's staying at mine.
What are you doing? I'm going to see her.
She's out.
She knew you'd be out, so she went to get her stuff from your place.
Donald! We need to have words.
Look, I'm sorry, but I've got to go.
I don't think so, Mister, come here, immediately.
I'll deal with this.
Go! Get out of the way.
Get out! I will step over you.
Sam! Sam? Has Sam been back here? Yes, she left about 20 minutes ago.
She was in a bit of a panic.
What do you mean? She mentioned a message on the answer machine.
She was a bit frosty with me, to be honest, so I just kept out of her way.
'Hi, there, this is Belinda Myers from the Elderly Centre.
'We're having a bit of an emergency with Dorothy Treacher and wondered 'if you could pop down as soon as possible.
' I didn't know people still had an answering machines! I didn't know WE had one.
Listen, Abby, I need your help.
I've got to try and win Sam back.
I'm all yours.
What do you need? KNOCK AT DOOR Please open the door, Dorothy.
Treach, it's me, Sam.
I just swung by for a visit.
Hey, is everything OK? Thanks for coming.
It's all right, I'm here for her.
Right, she's locked herself in her room No, no, no, I'm here for HER.
We need to talk.
Don, we're worried about Treacher.
She's been in there for ages.
I'm not with Abby.
I never was.
Well, what's she doing here, then? She just gave me a lift.
I wanted to help him get to you.
What's going on? I'm trying to win Sam back.
Actually, we're trying to help Dorothy.
We're trying to help Dorothy, but while they're doing that, I'm trying to win Sam back.
I'll go for the door.
I saw her go up to you.
Then I came back down, but you were gone.
Sam, you have always been the one for me.
We're the same.
Do you really think this can work? I mean, we are both terrible at relationships.
Exactly, we're the same.
Please open the door, Dorothy.
I listened to that song you wrote.
And? I loved it.
Holy Costner.
For BLEEP sake, Henry, will you just get it in me.
It's no use, Dorothy.
Too many creases and wrinkles and I can't tell which one's your muffin.
I'm sorry, but in all the time I've worked here, I've never seen such disgusting things.
And I've worked here for three weeks.
She's a bad influence.
She's been here for six days and she's created chaos.
She steals medication, she crushes her pills and snorts them, uses profanities at the top of her voice, she walks around in the nude, she sexually dominates the weaker gentleman.
ALL: Aw! Classic Treacher.
It pains me to say this, but we're going to have to let her go, I'm sorry.
No! What? You can't do that.
She's got nowhere else to go.
I got here as quick as I could.
Why? I don't know.
Eddie, can you look after her for a while, just till we find another place to go? I'd love to, but I'm sleeping in the Santa van at the moment.
Living the American dream.
Stop it.
Sorry.
Could you do it? Me? No, I can't.
I don't know where I'm going to be.
I'll take her.
What? No, she'll just have to find another place again when you move out.
Not if I don't sell.
Guys, I spent one day in that house on my own and I almost went insane.
All right, I went insane.
Look, you're my family and I missed you.
Yes, even Gollum, believe it or not.
That will be a lot of money you are turning down.
I don't care.
I'm willing to make that sacrifice.
You see, I'm growing up and taking some responsibility.
And now that I've grown up and become a man, there's just one last thing I need to say to you.
What's that? Will you come out with me? SHE LAUGHS Oh Yes! Oh, why did you wait that long?! That was like an X Factor result pause! That was horrible! Come here.
I told you it would work, didn't I? Dot? What? What did I tell you about how to behave in this place? Behave as badly as possible? Exactly.
Hey, you're not going to grow up too much, are you? Because I quite like the fact that you're a bit of a fuckwit.
Hmm.
"Cool-smart".
Come on, everybody! Ten ALL: Nineeight Wait, is it the time already? ALL: .
.
six No, it's just gone six.
They need to be in bed, so we're pretending it's 12 already.
ALL: .
.
twoone ALL: Happy New Year! CHEERING Should auld acquaintance be forgot And never brought to mind Walking through the doors to somewhere else Turning the handle I watched it melt - all over me Picking up the ways I couldn't be Picking up the things I never see In front of my eyes Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Took a little time but now he's changed Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Took a little time but now he's changed Whoa, whoa Whoa, whoa Took a little time but now he's changed Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Is it going to be all right now? Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Is it going to be? Is it going to be? Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Yeah, it's going to be all right Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right It's not going to be all right Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Yeah, it's going to be Yeah, it's going to be all right Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? Is it going to be Is it going to be all right? THEY CHEER