I Love Lucy (1951) s03e08 Episode Script

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) (sirens wailing) (door buzzer sounding continuously) (door buzzer sounding continuously) (door buzzer still sounding) (knocking on door) I'm coming.
Did a man come in or anything like that? Did you see anybody, did you see anybody on the fire escape? Where? Where? What do you mean? What are you talking about? There's been a robbery in the neighborhood.
A robbery? Well, get the police! Get the police! Oh, you're a police.
That's all right, Mrs.
, uh Mrs.
Ricardo.
Mrs.
Ricardo, did you see anyone? No.
I was asleep.
Who else lives here? Well, my-my husband- he's still working at the club, but my little baby is asleep in the nursery.
I'll check the premises.
Oh! Oh, a robbery right here, right here in the building? Oh, it just gives me goose pimples! Well, gee, at least you've got Fred to protect you.
Protect me? The minute he heard about it, he ran and hid.
I was not hiding.
I was looking for something to hit him with! Under the bed? Ooh, it was awful.
Lucy, I can't see wh-why you didn't wake up.
Officer, please don't wake up the baby.
Where was the robbery? Well, let's see now (all talking excitedly at once) Ethel, where was it? It was in the Ackermans' apartment across the street.
They came home and scared the burglar and he went down the fire escape.
No kidding? Yeah, and then they saw him run across the street and right into this building! Are you sure? Oh, yes.
We've checked everywhere.
So I guess she's given us the slip again.
Oh, that's too She? She? Isn't it a man? We think the person who's been pulling all these jobs in the neighborhood lately is a woman.
Oh, gracious alive! What makes you think it's a woman? We suspected it at first, but tonight the Ackermans' report clinched it.
How? How? How? Just before entering this building, they saw the robber stop and take a hitch at her girdle.
Oh! Have you any idea who she is? No.
The only thing we've got to go on are fingerprints, but the boys on the force call her "Madame X.
" Madame X.
Madame X.
Oh, it gives me shivers.
How do you like that? Well, uh, uh, thanks, folks, for your cooperation.
Oh, well, thank you, officer.
(excited chatter) Look at that.
"Madame X strikes again.
"The mysterious woman burglar added another to her long list of robberies last night.
" Oh, boy, that's exciting.
It isn't every day we have a robbery and get our names in the paper.
What do you mean "our names in the paper? Right here: "The police questioned all the tenants.
" That's us.
I'll cut it out and put it in my scrapbook.
Well, it is exciting.
Have you seen the News? Have you seen the the Mirror? Look at that.
Oh! Oh, the News is more sensational.
Yeah, but the Mirror gives it more space.
Isn't it scary? Fred Mertz, I want you to have new locks put on every door in this building.
A child could open the old ones.
I can't afford it.
I'll buy them.
With what? Oh, I've managed to save a little out of that miserable pittance you give me.
Okay, then, buy the locks.
All right.
I was going to buy you a birthday present with that money.
Oh, fine.
Oh, Fred, I didn't know you had a birthday coming up.
When is it, Fred? A week from Thursday.
Ah.
How old are you gonna be? Did you hear about the big robbery last night? Come on, Fred, don't be bashful.
How old are you? Well, now, I'll make a deal.
I'll tell how old I am if you'll tell how old you are.
That was a big robbery we had last night.
Come on, birthday boy.
Let's go count how many locks we have to buy.
New door locks for Fred New door locks for Fred New door locks for (chuckling) Gee, I'm glad we found out about Fred's birthday.
What will we get him? How about some keys to go with the locks? Seriously, we have to get him something nice.
Hey, I know! A tweet soot.
A "tweet soot"? Yeah.
He's always wanted a soot from my tailor's- a tweet one.
Oh, a tweed suit! Oh, he'd love that.
Well, I tell you what.
I'll make an appointment for him to go to the tailor's today.
Oh, no, that's no fun.
Then it won't be a surprise.
Well, honey, they have to know his measurements.
They do? They do unless you want to give him a tweet nightshirt.
Oh, dear.
Let's see Oh, why don't you get one of his old suits from Ethel, and then the tailors can get the measurements off of that.
No, she's such a blabbermouth, she'd tell him.
Well, I don't know how you're gonna get it, then.
I know.
I'll sneak in and get one of his old suits out of the closet without either one of them knowing it.
Be sure they don't catch you.
Well, I won't if you keep them busy.
Call them up and get them over here on some pretext.
Okay.
I'll get them over on some pretext.
What's a pretext? Well, it's when you want someone to do something, but you don't want them to know that you want them to do that particular something.
So, you make up something else, then they think they're doing something else, but in reality, they're doing the something that you want them to do but don't want them to know that you want them to do.
What?! Look, I'll show you what I mean.
Oh, wait a minute.
Forget the pretext.
They're out around the building counting locks.
I'll go get it right now.
Okay.
(humming tune) (door buzzer sounds) (humming) Oh, hello, Mrs.
Trumbull.
Uh, Mrs.
Mertz, here is the check for my rent.
Oh, thanks.
My, we certainly had a lot of excitement around here last night, didn't we? I'll say we did.
Are we alone? Well, yes.
Fred is out in the kitchen, but he can't hear us.
Why? Mrs.
Mertz, I know something.
About the robbery? Yes.
And I've got to tell somebody.
Oh, you can trust me, Mrs.
Trumbull! Well, I I may be wrong, but I think there's a chance that Madame X may be somebody who lives in our building.
In this building?! Shh! What makes you think so? Well, they say Madame X is a woman who wears men's clothes.
Yes, yes.
They saw her come in here and they didn't see her go out.
Yes.
Now, I know I'm wrong.
I know there's a logical explanation, but But what?! But what?! Well, I-I know I'm wrong, but I I I saw someone sneaking out of your apartment with a man's suit.
Who? Lucy Ricardo.
Lucy? Going out of this apartment? Sneaking along the hall.
Oh, my goodness! Lucy! Oh, Mrs.
Trum Oh, what are we saying? I know there's a logical explanation, but what is it? Oh, Mrs.
Trumbull, I'm surprised at you.
Suspecting Lucy of all people.
Well, I said I knew I was wrong.
Well, I should say so.
Oh, I'm ashamed of the two of us just standing here talking like this.
Well, so am I.
Just forget I ever mentioned it.
Oh, consider it forgotten.
Good-bye.
Fred! Fred! Fred! Fred! Fred, come here! Come here! What's the matter? Guess who Madame X is! Who? Lucy! Lucy who? Lucy Ricardo.
And what's more, she's pulling all those jobs wearing your suit! I've been waiting for this.
Your brain has gone bye-bye.
Oh, is that so? Now, Mrs.
Trumbull said she saw Lucy sneaking out of this apartment carrying one of your suits! I don't believe it.
Well, I'll just look and see.
Aha! Your gray suit is gone.
So she took one of my suits.
Ethel, there's a hundred reasons why Lucy could take one of my suits.
Name a few.
Well, it could have been bec Well, she might have had a So Lucy is Madame X! Uh-huh.
Now, listen, we got to get ahold of ourselves.
We're standing here, accusing Lucy of being a crook! I know it, I know it.
We've got to prove that Lucy is innocent for her sake and ours.
But how? I know! After Ricky goes to work tonight, we'll watch her and see what she does.
We'll go up on the roof and come down the fire escape and watch her through the window.
What will that prove? Well, if she doesn't put on your suit and go out and come back later with a bag full of loot, then she isn't Madame X.
That won't prove anything.
Even a crook has a night off.
Then we'll stay out there till we prove that Lucy is innocent.
All right.
Besides if she is Madame X, you and I better know about it.
Yeah.
What's she doing now? She must be going to crack a safe tonight.
She's sandpapering the ends of her fingers.
Are you sure? Yeah.
I was wrong.
She's using an emery board on her nails.
Come on, Sherlock, let's go back to headquarters and forget it.
Forget it? We've only been here an hour.
I'm cold, I want to go home.
Well, go ahead.
Leave me your coat, will you? (sneezes) Say, you are getting cold, sneezing like Here, put this on.
Put my hat on, too.
Now, don't hang around here too long! I won't.
Just long enough to clear the name of my good friend, Madame X Uh, Lucy.
(sneezes loudly) I'm sorry to wake you up, honey.
I'm going to take you over to Aunt Ethel's.
That might have been Madame X on the fire escape.
(door shuts) There she is.
I don't believe it.
Your Aunt Ethel is Madame X! (sighs) Here's your house money for the week, honey.
Now put it away.
Don't lose it.
Now, look, Lucy, you've got to stop even thinking that Ethel is Madame X.
I know, but after what I saw What was she doing out there on that fire escape wearing a man's hat and coat? Well, there must be a good reason for it.
I'd like nothing better than to find a good reason.
I've been thinking and thinking and I can't find one.
Well, now, you don't really think that Ethel is Madame X? Of course not, but how can I prove it? Well, why don't you just ask her about it? Oh, sure.
What am I gonna say? "Hi, Ethel, robbed any good apartments lately?" You know what I mean.
Tell her that you saw her out on the fire escape.
Oh, I can't do that.
Why not? If she's not Madame X, she'll tell why she was out there.
And if she is, she'll shoot me.
We got to be clever about this, Ricky.
What do the police do when they suspect someone? Oh, well, they got a whole routine.
What kind of a routine? Well, you know, they got, uh clues, fingerprints telltale evidences Fingerprints! We'll try to get Ethel's fingerprints on something.
This silver cigarette case of yours would be just perfect.
Hello, Ethel.
Ethel, we were just wondering why we haven't Oh, Fred, I didn't recognize your voice.
Oh How are you? Oh, we're fine.
Yeah, well, we were just sitting around, wondering why you haven't dropped over lately.
Yeah, well, why don't you come over? Oh, good.
Bring the madame, uh, the missus Uh, Ethel, bring Ethel.
Oh, all right, bye.
They're coming right over.
This will just be perfect.
Now, let's see we can serve drinks, maybe get fingerprints on the glasses, too.
Okay, I'll make some lemonade or something.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Just serve two drinks.
Just two? Yeah.
Now, we won't touch a thing.
That way, all the fingerprints will be theirs.
Okay.
Don't forget now.
Now, keep your eyes peeled for clues while we're over there.
Hey, if you could get Lucy to choke you, we'd have her fingerprints on your neck.
Hey, that's a good idea.
Yeah, I like it.
I don't mean the choking part.
We'll try and get her fingerprints on something.
All right.
Now, while we're over there, we won't touch a thing, and any fingerprints will be theirs.
All right, come on, let's go.
(door buzzer sounds) Hi, Ethel, Fred! Come on in.
Hello, honey.
Come in and sit down, won't you? Hi.
Hello, Lucy.
LUCY: Good to see you.
I bet you were wondering why I asked you over here tonight.
Well, yes.
Oh Uh, I have something I want to show you.
What? Here, take it.
I can see it.
It's that cigarette case that, uh, Ricky got for Christmas last year.
Oh, you've seen it before, huh? Yeah.
Oh.
You want to see it again? No.
Oh.
Uh uh, look inside.
You haven't seen the inscription, have you? You mean the one that says, uh, "Merry Christmas to the boss from the boys, 1952"? Yeah, that's the one.
Yeah, I've seen it.
Uh, you know, this is pure silver.
Isn't it amazing how heavy silver is? Here, lift it.
I know, it weighs a ton.
That's the reason Ricky never carries it.
Yeah yeah.
Well RICKY: Hello, folks! Oh, hi.
Oh, hi, Rick.
Put the drinks right down there, dear.
Okay.
Oh, just a minute.
Just a minute.
Uh, oh.
Okay.
There you are.
Have one, Fred.
No, thanks.
Go ahead, help yourself, Ethel.
No, thanks, I'm on a diet.
Oh, on a diet.
Why, you don't have to reduce.
If anything, I'd say you were underweight.
Have you been to an oculist lately? Oh, keep quiet.
Come on, Ethel.
Have one, come on.
Here.
No, I'm not thirsty, anyway.
Oh well Oh, don't let that keep you from having one, honey.
You have one.
Oh, all right.
Hand it to me, will you, dear? Uh-huh.
No, thanks, I changed my mind, I Uh, oh, uh, let's have some peanuts.
Dear, they're right there on the mantel.
Oh, okay.
(clears throat) Here.
Oh, thanks.
I'd like some.
All right.
Oh, just a minute.
Uh, here, hand this to Fred, dear.
All right.
Thanks.
Well, come on, Fred, let's go.
All right.
Oh, don't go.
Oh, honey, I've got a hundred things to do.
LUCY: Oh, that's too bad.
I didn't Oh, we may come later.
We might come up later.
Oh, well, I hope so.
FRED: Bye-bye.
Thanks.
Bye.
See you later now, if you can.
Darn it! Did you see how slippery she was? She deliberately kept from putting her fingers on anything.
Yeah.
How about that, huh? Mm Hmm.
How about that? I got them! I got them! I got her fingerprints! Where did you get them? On that silver cigarette case.
Oh, pretty slick, huh? Now, all I got to do is take this down to the police station and compare these with Madame X's Ha, ha! I'll go get my coat on.
All right.
Fred! Don't touch that cigarette case.
I don't want any fingerprints on that but Lucy's.
Now, let's see.
I think I got good, clear prints.
Hey, she's cleverer than I thought.
She handled that with her bare hands and didn't leave a print on it.
Yeah, how about that? Honey, I'm late for the club already.
I'll see you later.
Ricky, have you got your sil-silver cigarette case? No.
Why? Well, I left it right here someplace, and I just can't underst Ethel swiped your cigarette case.
She really is Madame X.
Oh, come on, now.
Yes! Now, we got to do something about this.
I don't know what you're gonna do, but I got to go.
Good night, honey.
Listen, Ricky, now, I got an idea.
I'm gonna call Ethel and I'm gonna tell her that I'm gonna the baby over to Mrs.
Trumbull's apartment, and then I'm going to the club with you tonight.
Why? Well, that way, she'll think the apartment is empty an-and if she wants to really rob it, she can.
And th-then I'll hide in here, an-and I'll catch her red-handed.
And maybe I can talk her out of this life of crime.
Oh, now, look, honey, why don't you get a good book, go to bed and forget all these crazy schemes? They're not crazy schemes.
Yes, they are.
Now, good night, dear.
Good night, dear.
(door shuts) Hello, Ethel.
Uh, Ethel, in case you were thinking of dropping over again tonight, I just wanted you to know that we wouldn't be home.
Ethel, not my good silver! You know that belongs to Ricky's mother! Put that gun away! Put that away! What do you want to do, hurt somebody? Now stop that! The i the idea! I'm surprised at you! Trying to rob our apartment! Why, Ethel Mertz! I have never heard of such a thing before.
You You should be ashamed of yourself.
Ethel, now, you This is not the life for you.
If it's money you need, I'll pay you what I owe you.
You give up this life of crime, and I won't tell a soul that you're Madame X.
Lucy.
What?! What's the matter? I got Madame Whoops! Madame X! (screams) That's Madame X! (Lucy and Ethel shrieking) Oh, Lucy! Oh! Oh! Oh, Lucy! What's the matter? No, no, it isn't Lucy.
The real Madame X got away.
Which way did she go? She went that way.
This way? Yeah.
Sure? Yeah.
Oh! Ethel, Ethel! Huh? Let go of my neck.
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh Oh, dear.
Oh Oh, Lucy I'm so relieved to know that that was the real Madame X and not you.
Me, too.
Gee, Ethel, I'm sorry.
What do you mean that I wasn't Madame X? I thought you were.
I was? How did you get that idea? Where did you get the idea I was? Mrs.
Trumbull says she saw you sneaking out of our apartment, carrying one of Fred's suits.
Oh, that was for a model.
Ricky was going to give your Fred a suit for his birthday.
Oh, dear.
What were you doing out on our fire escape, wearing a man's hat and coat? I was spying on you.
I thought you were Madame X and Fred and I went out on the fire escape and I got cold and he gave me his coat and hat.
Oh, no.
RICKY: I got her! Honey, I got Ethel! I got Ethel! Ethel! (clamoring) I got her! I got her, honey! (shouting) (all clamoring) We got her! I got her! I got her! Did you see how I got her there? Yeah, I saw you.
I caught her right there.
I caught her myself! ("I Love Lucy" theme song playing) WGBH access.
wgbh.
org ANNOUNCER: Mrs.
Trumbull was played by Elizabeth Patterson.
Madame X was Alice Wills and the policeman was Alan Jenkins.
I Love Lucy is a Desilu production.
Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz will be back next week at this same time.
ANNOUNCER 2: This is the CBS Television Network.