iCarly (2021) s03e08 Episode Script

1
I think it's really sweet
that you're throwing this
jewelry party for Tinsley.
I want my best friend and my girlfriend
to be able to hang out together.
We can. I mean, sure, it didn't
go great at that sip 'N' paint.
I brought lemonade, she brought Banksy.
And you called her Porsche a "Porsh."
Only poor people do that.
But this is gonna be perfect.
- Just three girlfriends making friendship bracelets.
- Mm.
- Yeah.
- What could go wrong?
Sorry to barge, but can
someone help with this?
Oh, I'll help.
- I love helping friends.
- Wonderful.
Just bring it in and
put it on the ottoman.
BOTH: Mwah. Mwah. Mwah.
Oh, what is in here? Bricks?
No! Diamonds.
TINSLEY: Good morning, Tinsley.
You're lovelier than Princess Dianá.
Whose booty did you have
to plunder to get these?
They're for the jewelry party.
Where we dust our jewels. [SCOFFS]
But I thought friendship bracelets.
Made of string?
String isn't jewels.
You do know that string
isn't jewels, don't you?
We can do both.
You start weaving, and we'll start
dusting this necklace that looks
like it came from the Titanic.
- [LAUGHS]
- It did.
Wow! These are beautiful.
TINSLEY: You like those?
- Take them.
- Where?
Oh, you mean, like, to have. [LAUGHS]
- No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Please!
No, I couldn't possibly.
I mean, where would I even put them?
My earring baggie is
already pretty full. [LAUGHS]
Take the earrings.
We'll get you another baggie.
Carly, I swear, if you don't take those,
I'm gonna toss them out
the window at pigeons.
I beg you.
Harper, have you ever seen me beg?
Not in a way that is appropriate
to talk about right now.
Carly, say yes. Yes! Or yup.
Or yeah, or suredledee-doo, or
whatever you 99 percenters say.
Okay. [LAUGHS] Suredledee-doo.
Oh, wonderful. This calls for champagne.
Wow. I hope these weren't expensive.
I think they were, like, 80.
$80?
No. $80,000.
$80,000?
I can't.
Pirates!
I know ♪
You see ♪
Somehow the world will change for me ♪
And be so wonderful ♪
So wake up the members of my nation ♪
It's your time to be ♪
There's no chance
unless you take one ♪
And the time to see
the brighter side ♪
Of every situation ♪
Some things are meant to be ♪
So give your best and
leave the rest to me. ♪
And Tinsley was just so happy
to sip on her fabulous wine
and polish her fabulous jewels.
- It was all just so
- Fabulous?
Exactly.
A perfect party. Thanks, Carly.
I finally feel like you two are gelling.
- It couldn't have gone better.
- Totally.
- I only fainted once.
- [LAUGHS LOUDLY]
Hey. That's not funny.
- I could have hit my head.
- You did hit your head.
What?
No, I'm not laughing at
your hilarious head injury.
Did you know if you type
"funny cat videos" into Google,
there's a lot of stuff?
I'm making a piece for the Seattle
Cat Museum's fundraising gala.
Hmm. "The 20th annual Catillion
benefiting the cats of Seattle."
This year's guest of
honor is someone named
- Archduke Lucius Snibbington.
- SPENCER: Hmm.
Snibbles the cat?!
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
Spencer's gonna meet Snibbles.
Why don't you come with? You and
Freddie can meet Snibbles, too.
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
Spencer, how about you
and Millicent just go?
I feel like you two should
spend more time together.
Ah, we just hugged.
I got to go. Tinsley's making
her servants bite each other,
and I got $20 on Wellington.
Thanks again for the party, Carly.
And I'm glad you got a little
something for yourself, too.
Yes, a little something.
A meaningless trinket.
A trifle, really. Bye. [LAUGHS]
It is not a trifle!
I am in a deep, dark hole of anxiety.
Like the summer I spent in that well?
No, like the night Tinsley
gave me $80,000 earrings.
- Lemony Snicket.
- Whoa, mama.
Pirates.
What am I supposed to do with them?
Not go outside, that's for sure.
You're just going to leave
them in a drawer forever?
No! I have to buy a safe.
I'm seeing a Groupon
for two-for-one safes.
Does anyone else need a safe?
Hey, you're overthinking this, okay?
I'm sure Tinsley wanted you
to have the earrings, and
Holy friggin' what?!
You're right. You have
no business with those.
- Maybe I can borrow
- Get back!
These are precious gems.
Uh-oh. Look, she's gone full Gollum!
How can I sleep in these earrings
knowing how much good $80,000 could do?
You're going to sleep in them?
No, I'm going to leave them out
for the burglars who watched me
get two safes delivered. Think.
Look at these poor cats,
living on the streets,
probably turning to booze and drugs.
Yeah. Just like the ones in the musical.
I know.
I can donate the earrings
to the silent auction.
Then the cats get food
and shelter, I can relax,
and Tinsley never has to know.
Goodbye, my precious.
Great. Let's go down to the Cat Museum
and make the donation right now.
I bet Snibbles will want
to meet the young girl
who gave such an amazing gift.
I'm that girl.
We'll discuss the details in the car.
How long did it take
me to get that smoothie?
[GRUNTING]
Greetings, peasant.
I present to you the newly-constructed
Edin-fur-a Castle.
Ah, impressive.
Why aren't you coming to the gala?
Is it because you don't
look good in a tux?
I look bad in a men's tux.
I look great in a youth XL.
It's actually because
I'm kind of afraid of cats.
I guess it all started when I was a kid.
Remember that cat that was trapped
in the walls of the Bushwell?
I used to hear it yowling in the night.
Sometimes I still can.
You know what you need?
Feline exposure therapy.
- What is feline expos ?
- [YELLS]
[SCREAMS]
I don't like it!
I don't like it.
Well, then you're gonna hate
when I rub my ass on you.
That's what cats do.
And this is the Paw-trait Gallery,
where we'll be hosting
our silent auction
and our meet-and-greet with our VIP
very important pussycat.
Is that where Snibbles is gonna be?
Why don't you go take a closer look?
This is the best day ever.
Wow, Myrtle.
Thank you for that private
tour of the Cat Museum.
I had no idea there was a cat pope.
Who do you think converted the Swedes?
I'm just so relieved that
you accepted my donation.
$80,000 earrings are just not me.
I mean, who am I? The
cat pope's mistress?
We need more young people
to take an interest in feline issues.
It can't all be skateboards
and climate change.
Your donation will save at
least a dozen street cats
from booze and drugs.
God bless you, dear.
Wow, Carly.
You got me behind-the-scenes
Snibbles content,
and you helped a charity.
Color me almost impressed.
That was the sweetest
backhanded compliment ever.
I did a good thing.
I did a good thing.
You did a very bad thing!
A very bad thing!
She didn't even want the earrings.
She literally said she was
going to throw them at pigeons.
That's just an expression she
overuses because she thinks
that's what regular
people do with their trash!
She probably doesn't even
remember the earrings.
And besides, there's no
way she will ever find out
that I donated them to the Catillion.
[GASPS] We're all
going to the Catillion!
What? How?
What?
How?
Where is that little bébé
you spend so much time with?
Millicent? Homework, a movie.
Some type of movie homework.
I don't know.
You're going to make a great second mom.
Well, drat. I got stuck in some
chitty-chatty with the little thing,
and she was droning on and
on about some Catillion.
So I bought a seat on the
board of the cat charity
and a VIP table at the gala
so we can all go with her.
The whole friend group,
which includes me. [LAUGHS]
Oh, good. The thing I wanted so
desperately to happen is happening.
And the best part is, you'll
get to debut your new earrings.
Do you know what this calls for?
- More champagne?
- More champagne! Oh!
- See? We're clicking.
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Harper, I promise you I will get
those earrings back before the gala.
And I promise you you'd better.
Spencer? You here?
Dude, why are the lights off?
- [MEOWS]
- [SCREAMS GIBBERISH]
Let the exposure therapy begin.
Check this out.
- [GROANS] No, thank you.
- Okay.
La-la-la-la ♪
- Attack!
- [SHRIEKS]
No, no, stop!
No!
Spencer!
No, no, don't you do it.
Stop. You stop.
Don't you Stop.
That was your vase.
Meow! Okay, walk.
[FREDDIE PANTING]
I'm doing this for Millicent. Aah! Oh.
I'm doing this for Millicent.
I'm doing this for Millicent.
[BOTH SCREAM]
How do you stop me from
scratching your face off?!
- Answer now!
- I don't know!
Take control, or I will
feast on your blood!
Um I'm in charge!
- Excellent.
- What?!
You understand me a
little bit better now.
You will do as I command!
Oh, that was a mistake.
Huh?
- No! No!
- [LAUGHING]
- Yeah, what do I want?
- To ruin lives?
To make me pee myself?
- Why is this so fun for you?!
- [LAUGHING]
[GASPS] You want to play.
That's exactly what I want.
Does this mean I'm ready?
- Not even close. Yay!
- No! No!
It'll be easy to get the earrings back.
The little old lady in charge of
the auction is obsessed with me.
Little old ladies always are.
- It's 'cause we speak the same language.
- Oh.
It's called Granny Chat.
Sometimes I wonder why we're friends.
Okay, so I told Tinsley all I wanted
for our 14-week anniversary
was to reunite The Beatles.
She doesn't know two of them are dead,
so we have some time.
You have to get those earrings back,
even if you have to steal them.
Stealing? But that's wrong.
Why are we friends?
Carly Shay, my angel.
[CARLY LAUGHS SOFTLY]
It's almost too easy.
Hi, Myrtle.
Just in time. Look what I had made.
- Wow.
- I hope you don't mind,
we photoshopped in little Butterscotch.
This tiny guy hasn't met a
street drug he doesn't like.
I'm talking tango,
jackpot, study buddies,
zow, kangaroo, Bob Cratchit.
And thanks to your donation,
we can finally afford
to send him to rehab.
Say "thank you," Butterscotch.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]:
"I love you, Carly.
You saved me when no one else would."
I love you, too, buddy.
Okay, funny story about the earrings.
I kinda need 'em back. [LAUGHS]
Right?
So get this.
My friend who gave me the
earrings would be really mad
if she knew that I just gave them away,
and I don't want that. [LAUGHS]
I'll tell you what you don't want.
You don't want to wake up
in the middle of the night,
cold and alone on a
road you've never seen,
with no phone, no car,
no one to call for help,
and no way to get home.
In what situation would that happen?
Let the cats keep the emeralds,
and you never have to find out.
Come on, Butterscotch.
Let's finish setting up our auction.
Bad news. There is no way that I can
Gah! Tinsley! Gah!
You look so beautiful.
Gah! So do you.
Is that a thing we're saying now?
We're giving it a spin.
Gah! Did you hear about The Beatles?
So sad.
Apparently, two of 'em died.
Carly, I just want to say,
about the earrings I gave you
Oh, you mean my most favorite
gift I've ever received? Go on.
They're my way of saying
how much it means to me
that you've made such an
effort to be my friend.
- Oh.
- Whenever you wear them,
think of my Naná Edná,
who died clutching them.
Her most prized possession.
Toodles.
I'm gonna steal those earrings.
That's why we're friends.
We're gonna pull a jewel
heist at a cat ball?
I guess I owe that carnival
fortune teller an apology.
She told me I'd die
in a parade accident.
Doesn't sound so bad right now.
Okay, Harper, you distract
Tinsley from the auction table
while we pull the job.
Pull the job?
That's how criminals talk, doll.
With moxie.
[BRITISH ACCENT]: Oi, can I talk like
I'm in a Guy Ritchie movie, love?
[REGULAR VOICE]: Okay,
I'll talk like me.
Millicent, you're on Myrtle.
- Granny Chat her up.
- What?
Talk about things she
knows. Why is it so cold?
What's wrong with your
generation? World War I.
I'll buy the earrings for you
if you can name three
countries in that war.
Spencer, you're gonna
create a massive distraction.
- I was think
- Bup, bup, bup.
I don't need tips on how to
become the center of attention.
Carly, you saw how I overshadowed you
in all of our family photos.
You don't need me to do
anything with cats, do you?
Not that that would be a problem
if you did. I'm very brave.
You're gonna hack into
the museum's security,
disable the alarms and the cameras
so I don't get caught. You
have your laptop, right?
What? Why would I bring
a computer to a ?
Yeah, I brought it.
Once the alarm's off,
I'll grab the earrings,
wear them while I chat with
Tinsley, fake appendicitis,
and then put the
earrings back on the table
just in time for the auction.
Harper wins, the cats win,
even that bitch Myrtle wins.
It's foolproof.
I foresee no issues
with this plan at all.
You all set?
I am cool as a cucumber, daddy-o.
Aw. Thanks for getting in on my moxie.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
You're a square gee.
Oh. [LAUGHS]
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
Keep it together, Mills.
He's just a cat.
Lower your eyes.
You should all be bowing.
Remember when you said more
young people need to take
an interest in feline
issues? I'm 12, start talking.
It all began a long time ago
when a young cat named Petey
helped the Wright Brothers invent jazz.
Here's to the kitties
that live in our cities.
Now let's show them our
- Harper!
- Generosities.
[TINSLEY LAUGHS]
[HISSES]
[GROWLS]
Adios, cameras.
Why is he looking at me?
[SCOTTISH ACCENT]:
Welcome, lads and ladies.
I know you're all here to
honor Archduke Snibbington,
aka Snibbles, but you've
not yet met his court.
[CATS MEWING]
- [FREDDIE SCREAMS]
- [CROWD EXCLAIMING]
[SPENCER LAUGHS]
Yes, run, Cat Sajak!
Go, Puma Thurman!
Flee, Leonardo DeCatsmeow!
- Oh, I am their god!
- [MEWING]
Okay, you mugs.
It's go time.
Need to disable alarm.
[CAT YOWLS]
They just want to play.
They just want to play.
- [MEWING]
- [FREDDIE WHIMPERING]
[ALARM SOUNDING]
Thief, robber,
dog lover for all I know.
Harper, why are my earrings
at the silent auction?
[GASPS] Did Carly give them away?!
I can't lie to you, my sweet.
I have no idea.
- Tinsley, I can explain.
- This one really hurt, Carly.
And I've had Gloria Vanderbilt
spike a volleyball
straight into my face!
Well, feline exposure
therapy was a failure.
And I rubbed my butt
on you and everything.
Yeah, you're a good friend.
- Aw.
- I know. I don't say it enough,
- but I really do appreciate you trying
- No, shut up, it's a cat.
- What?
- [MEOWS]
It worked!
[GUTTURAL GROANING]
Okay, I can see by your
face it did not work.
This hell fiend just crawled into my lap
because I'm holding his cushion.
Get a camera and Millicent.
Get Millicent right now!
So, nine lives, huh?
That's nice to have in your back pocket.
You found Snibbles!
This is the best day ever,
and you're the best dad ever.
[FREDDIE GASPS]
SPENCER: Okay.
Great. Now let's do a silly one.
[FREDDIE WHIMPERS]
We can still get the earrings back.
Do you know how to
do an Act of Congress?
Please stop.
I appreciate you trying,
but you and Tinsley are just
too different to be friends.
It's fine.
No. We can make this work.
I'll just hang out
with you two separately.
Tinsley and I will
vacation in St. Barts,
and you and I will throw
our trash at pigeons.
You are easily one of the most
awful people I've ever met.
You have ruined this event.
And if Butterscotch
relapses, that's on you.
Dang, no need to bring
Butterscotch into this.
Who's Butterscotch?
Carly's tiny boyfriend with the fedoras?
Perhaps you're really the one to blame.
We never should have given
you a seat on the board.
I was beguiled by your pretty
face and your grotesque fortune,
but apparently you don't have the heart
or the integrity to represent our
Myrtle, that is enough!
You can say what you want about me,
but Tinsley has been nothing
but generous and gracious to me,
to your charity, and to the cats.
You are
mean!
[HISSES]
Tinsley, I am so sorry
that I gave away your
grandmother's earrings.
All I ever wanted was
for the three of us
to be able to hang out together.
Carly, you strange little duck.
We come from different worlds,
but you stood up for me,
and that's what matters.
That's what matters? It would
have been cool to know that
before I committed grand larceny.
You didn't commit. You attempted.
Well, I'm committed
to buying the earrings
for my dear friend Carly.
Naná Edná would have loved your moxie.
Well, I bet Naná and nan-I
would have been great friends.
She also said you can have the
earrings. So what do you say?
I know, but now I'm gonna
have to get a bigger baggie.
I mean, thank you!
Oh! [LAUGHS]
- You look beautiful.
- Thanks.
- I feel beautiful.
- Hmm.
I get so tired of the
food at these things.
It's always the same.
Yes, the same old saucer of milk?
How are we supposed to ?
[GULPING]
I like it.
[ALL GULPING]
Ooh!