In Living Color (1990) s03e08 Episode Script

- How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - What? - How you livin'? - In living color - You can do what you wanna do - In living color - Anything you want is up to you - In living color - You for me and me for you - In living color - You can be anything you wanna be - In living color - Let's take a trip and sip on a dream - Yeah - Glide with the guide on a funky scene - All right Here comes another oneof those funky, funny mo'money shows A cast for laughsand talented roles And sisters with twistersfor you been lookin', listener It seems you don't believeso you can believe what I convince ya Some booty to your short and thoughtWe'll make it snappy With jokes and pokesat folks to keep you happy No need to holdyour remote control ChillThis show's got soul All aboard, all aboardThe train never troubles You'd better snuggle upcouple up - On the double-dub-double - Yeah It's hard to believe but some ofthe best things in life are free So, fellas, grab your girlTell her that you love her 'Cause that's the way you're livin'when you're livin'in living color Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go, gogo, go, go, go Go, go, go Go, go, go, go The place really is just charming, isn't it? Here's my business card.
Please feel free to call me if you have any questions at all.
Bye-bye now.
Hello there.
I'm Sheila Peace.
Hi.
Hey, this place isn't that bad.
Have you rented it yet? Why, no, we haven't.
Please feel free to take a look around.
Course, I will mention that there's an application.
.
.
and you'll be required to list your employer.
That's no problem.
I have a job.
Well, of course you do.
Now, what team do you play for? - I'm a doctor.
- You're not Dr.
J.
, are you? I've heard you're quite talented.
Lady, I'm a medical doctor.
Well, good for you.
Now, you must have studied very hard.
Let me tell you a little bitabout the apartment, shall I? Firstly, this locale is ideal for you.
There is a Golden Bird Fried Chicken right down on the corner.
And do you know something? There is a crack house over on Seventh.
I tell you.
People are getting beat up and shot there all the time.
And what, with you being a doctor and all, your business could be booming.
Of course, I can't guaranteethat the corner store.
.
.
would carry that Afro Sheen activist stuff.
They're Mexican, you know.
They have plenty of those "torteelas," and the rest of us just have to make-do.
Lady, I'm gonna have a look around.
.
.
by myself.
Oh, please do.
You know, there is plenty you can do with this space.
You can put your big stereo there in the corner and play that rap music.
.
.
just as loud as you like.
Listen to me.
You go ahead and look all you want.
Are you still showing the apartment? We certainly are.
Hello.
How are you? I'm Sheila Peace.
I must say, you speak English very well.
Please feel free to have a look around.
Hey, this isn't bad, honey.
Yeah, but I'm not sure I like the neighborhood.
Well, let me just say this about that.
This neighborhood is conveniently close to everything you need.
Why, Chinatown is just 10 blocks away.
That was a good movie, wasn't it? Chinatown.
Course, there weren't a lot of Chinese people in it.
That must have chapped your hide.
Course, now you people are buying up Hollywood.
You'll show them, huh? Hey, we're Korean.
Oh, well, then this apartment is just perfect for you.
Here you are on the first floor.
You won't disturb anyone down below with that karate stuff.
And there's a Fotomatright across the street.
You know, we are one of the few buildings in the area.
.
.
that feature speed bumps in the parking garage.
Can I get you an application? No.
I think we're looking for something a little bigger.
Oh, well, of course you are.
What, with that whole boat people situation.
Well, the thought of that brings tears to my eyes.
I'm sure you guys have relatives coming in all the time.
Listen, good luck to you.
- Excuse me.
- It's just as well, really.
You know, that rice that they cook sticks to the garbage disposal.
It takes forever to get it out.
Oh, would you listen to me? I haven't even introduced myself.
- Hi.
I'm Sheila Peace.
- Hi.
How are you? Aren't you adorable? I bet when you grow up.
.
.
you wanna manage a 7-Eleven just like your father.
You'll get all the Big Gulps you want, won't ya? Come on, Son.
We're gonna look around some more.
Well, hello again there, Doctor.
Have you decided you'd like an application? No, lady, I would never rent an apartment from you.
Well, my goodness, you do drive a hard bargain.
Okay, then I'll put up a hoop in the backyard.
Oh, and you can barbecue all you please.
Lady, you are sick.
I am? Oh, my goodness, I feel all right.
Well, you're the doctor.
Toodle-loo.
- Excuse me.
- Have you had a good chance to look around? You know, this place really is perfect for you.
There's plenty of room for all of your wives to belly dance.
Plus, you know, the bedroom window faces Mecca.
You know, if you don't like the bare floors, you could put a magic carpet down.
- Les.
- [Screams.]
Look, I've been looking for you everywhere, man.
Where have you been? - Don't sneak up on me like that.
- You gotta help me, man.
Why? What's going on? What happened? I accidentally killed a guy.
I got in a fight with him.
I hit him one time, man.
It was like I had the strength of two men.
- What do you want me to do? - I need money.
Okay.
Well, here's my paycheck.
- Um.
.
.
- Three dollars? Okay, I've been holding out.
Here's a quarter.
I was gonna play video games at lunch.
Hey, Les, you wanna get back to work? I'm not paying you to hang out with riffraff.
Customers are waiting.
All right, all right, I only have one hand.
[Man On Loudspeaker.]
Wes Rawls, we know you're in there.
- Come out with your hands up.
- Oh, my God, they found me.
- [Screams.]
- They must have been following you.
They knew I'd make contact with you sooner or later.
- I'm scared, man.
- Oh, stop "snivering.
" You gotta get outta here.
You gotta get outta here, Wes.
- You're right.
See you around.
- Okay.
Damn it, Les.
Are you gonna do any work today? What are you talking about? I just cleaned off the entire counter for you.
- What do you want from me? - Hey, is there another way outta here? - Just the window.
- All right, little brother, I gotta go.
Okay, man.
Hey, can I get you something else? Good idea, Les.
They probably would have thought of that one.
Come on, son.
We've got the place surrounded.
You'll never take me alive, coppers.
[Gunshots.]
- Freeze! Nobody move! - Back up! I got a hostage! Yeah, he's got a hostage.
- Who? - Move or I'll do him! - You, stupid, you! Back up! - Oh.
Let him through.
He's got a hostage.
Shut up, you whimpering punk.
- I'm telling Mom.
- Mom never liked you anyway.
- Give me back my quarter.
- Take it.
Take it, big man.
Wes, don't do this to me, man.
Please don't do this to me.
- Shut up.
Shut up.
- [Whimpering.]
All right, stay back, or I'll do this little punk.
I'm not that much of a punk.
Listen here.
It's me they want, kid.
Go on, get outta here, man.
Run as fast as that little foot can take ya.
Okay, but keep in touch, buddy.
Why would I keep in touch with a punk like you? Just go! Okay, buddy.
You take it easy.
I'll see you around.
Wes, stop, stop.
Wes, you got my foot now.
[Continues, Indistinct.]
[Coughing.]
Well, Paul, it looks like it's almost time to be moving on.
No, Pappy.
Don't leave me, Pappy.
Yes'm, I'm on my way to that big cotton field in the sky.
You can't leave me, Pappy.
I's too dumb to make it.
- I can't.
I'm just a dumb ol' slave.
- Hush up! - Yes, sir.
- You's ain't no slave, boy.
- No.
- We's runaways.
- I run away from that plantation 123 years ago.
- Yes, sir.
And I done raised three generations of children here in this cave.
Now you gots to go.
You're the last of the Timbuks.
I can't make it out there, Pappy.
- You gots to.
- I can't.
- You gots to.
- I can't.
- I'll put my foot in your ass.
- Okay, I'll try.
All right.
Well, now you gots to head up north.
.
.
- Yes'm.
- And find the Underground Railroad.
- Yes'm.
- Gots to find Harriet Tubman.
- Harriet Tubman.
- Look like Cicely Tyson.
- I thought that was Jane Pittman? - No, that's Esther Rolle.
I want you to do one other thing for me, boy.
- What is it, Pappy? What, Pappy? - Take care of my good jacket.
- Oh, yes, sir.
- [Groans.]
Pappy! Pappy.
[Breathing Heavily.]
Oh, Pappy! He'd wants me to have this.
[Groaning, Grunts.]
Well, it looks like I'm on my own now.
I gots to find my freedom and get outta here before this body starts stinkin'.
Before I be a slave, I be buried in the grave.
Or I be the hardest working man in the cotton field.
Psst.
Psst.
You headin' north? Uh, no, man.
I believe this is southeast.
Well, how far behind you is they? - Who? - The dogs.
I don't hear the dogs.
Man, what dogs, man? Is there something I can help you with? 'Cause I'm on my way home, and, man, I am whipped.
Oh, Lord, how many lashes they give ya? Uh, no, man, I mean I'm beat.
Well, at least you still got your foot.
Man, look, what is it that you want, man? I don't have any time for this.
You must be one of those house niggas.
- Look, I'm just looking for my freedom.
- Freedom? - Yes, sir.
- Well, where the hell have you been, in a cave? Yes, sir, right back yonder.
Oh, man, look.
You must be from the South, man.
- Brothers up here don't act like that.
- No? Excuse me? Well, move it.
You're blocking the way.
I's sorry, sir.
We just mosey out your way.
Man, what the hell is the matter with you? I'm trying to jog, and you're blocking my way.
Yeah, well, next time, you know, run around, jackass.
- What? - [Breathing Heavily.]
Is you crazy, man? Is you crazy? You don't be talking to no white man like that.
He don't.
.
.
They wanna be right even when they wrong.
We's sorry, sir.
Very sorry, sir.
Didn't mean to hurt ya.
Sorry.
He must got one of them, that colored fever goin' round.
The boy is not feeling too well.
Accept our apologies, please, sir.
- I'll accept yours.
- Thank you.
But I don't like your friend's attitude.
You better change your attitude.
- Man, why did you do that? - What you talkin' about? Didn't your pappy teach you nothin' about survival? You don't talk to the white man like that.
Them people wanna be right even when they's wrong.
- [Dog Barking.]
- [Yells.]
You see what you did? You done put the dogs on us.
Oh, them dogs a lot smaller than Pappy said they was.
- Man, it's 1991.
- [Indistinct.]
- What did you say? - I said stop eyeballin' that white woman.
- With your fancy clothes on.
- Man, you can have that if you so desire, brother.
This is 1991, man.
All that handkerchief head stuff don't play up here.
This is America.
We are free.
We can do what we want.
There he is, Officer.
That's the one.
You done brought the slave catchers on us.
- Well, feets, don't fail me now.
- Be cool.
Be cool, man.
We haven't done anything wrong.
Officer, I'm glad you're here.
See, because.
.
.
All right, face down on the ground.
Put your hands behind your back.
- Yes, sir! Yes, sir! - Wait a minute! I said get down on your knees and get your hands behind your back! I's down, sir.
If I go any further, I'll be in China.
[Officer.]
You have.
.
.
- You have the right to remain silent.
- Man, this is outrageous.
We didn't mean no harm, Mr.
Slave Master, sir.
- You better shut up.
- Yes, sir.
Please don't beat me.
Don't beat me.
L-I tried to warn him, but he wouldn't listen.
Hush up.
I'm not talking to you.
You're free to go.
- I's free? - Yeah, keep moving.
Wait a minute now.
I think he's in a singing group or something, man.
Yes, sir.
I keep moving.
That's a good idea.
Freedom don't seem to last too long around here.
[Hip-hop.]
[Man Speaking.]
[Hip-hop Continues.]
[Ends.]
[Announcer.]
The king oflate night is hanging it up.
.
.
so make wayfor the new contender to the throne.
[Show Announcer.]
Welcome to Late Night With Mike, starring Mike Tyson.
Along with the world's most bucktooth-errificband, the Spinks brothers.
And here's a man who's always given 100% no matter what he's done.
Let's give a big hamburger-istic applause.
.
.
for Iron Mike.
.
.
Tyson.
! - [Show Announcer.]
Hi-yo.
! - [Audience Whooping.]
Oh, what a crowd! You guys are so ludicrous tonight.
I'm ecstatic.
- [Show Announcer Chuckling.]
- Oh, what's going on in the news? You hear about the boxer running around molesting all the beauty contestants? Who does he think he is, a Supreme Court judge? Hi-yo! Oh, boy.
What about that boxer who's up for the fraternity suit? I mean, the kid looks nothing like him.
He's short, ugly, lines in his hair, gold teeth.
And.
.
.
Hey, who's writing this stuff? [Audience Laughs.]
[Laughs.]
That's not funny.
[Stammers.]
I better introduce my posse before I hurt somebody.
You know them people over there? They're the.
.
.
Oh! Hey, folks, these are not jokes.
These are things that make you say, "Robin, you bitch.
" Hi-yo! [Laughs.]
We got a great show.
We got a great show.
A lot of fun guests tonight.
So let's get started.
Spinks brothers, take us home, Michael.
.
.
with some of that " I got hit once and laid down and collect a check" funk.
.
.
like the coward you are.
- Get us outta here! - [Hip-hop.]
[Announcer.]
You'll also get to enjoyMichael's own special comedy bits.
Please welcome the "fabulistic" Car Wreck the Magnificent.
[Applause, Cheering.]
Car Wreck, I hold in my hand an envelope.
.
.
that has been "Panasonically" sealed in a mayonnaise jar.
.
.
on Gerry Cooney's porch since noon today.
But, you, in your "uncongriffable" way.
.
.
will ascertain the answer to the questions without even seeing.
That is correct, Larry Holmes'jockstrap breath.
Fee-fi-fee-fi-fee-fi-fo.
Fee-fi-fee-fi-fee-fi-fo.
What is my telephone number? [Announcer.]
Late Night With Mike is also informative.
- Well, let's get to the Top Five, shall we? - All right.
Now these are the top five questions that people ask me the most.
And the number one questionthat people always ask me the most is: [Glass Breaking.]
[Announcer.]
Plus, you'll also getto hear some great conversation.
.
.
with guest stars like Sinbad.
Don't ever tell a woman she got a big butt, man.
My wife got a big butt, man.
And she ask me, "Sinbad, is my butt big?" I said, "No, baby, your butt ain't big.
" Butt big as New Jersey, man.
You can show the 70 millimeter version of Quo Vadis on her booty, man.
And when women got big booties, they eat less, but their booty's still big.
They eat a little, but their butts still growing, man.
She walks down the street like this here.
I gotta act like her butt is big, but it's still big.
But it's little in my mind, not in her mind.
[Stammering.]
Y'all don't think that's funny? What are you talking about? I mean, where are your jokes at? L-I like women with big butts.
What's wrong with a big butt? You're not making any sense.
You're making me sick.
Just get off of my show.
Get outta here.
There's no joke there.
His wife has a nice, big.
.
.
[Announcer.]
You'll also see another side of Mike.
.
.
when he's joined byJoan Emberyfrom the San Diego Zoo.
This is the rare South American talking cockatoo.
.
.
the last of its breed.
Oh.
How you doing, cute little birdie? [Squawks.]
Polly want a cracker.
Polly want a cracker.
Polly wants what? You always wants something.
They always want something.
We haven't even slept together yet, and you want something.
You don't even have a nice butt.
Get off my show! [Bird Squawks.]
One, two, three.
.
.
[Announcer.]
Late Night With Mike.
.
.
brought to you by Prozack,the sedative of champions.
Tonight we got the B-l-G D-A-D-D-Y K-A-N-E singing "Ooh, Ahh.
" Put your hands together for Big Daddy Kane.
[Hip-hop.]
[Rap.]
[Rap Continues.]
[Rap Continues.]
[Rap Continues.]
[Rap Continues.]
[Rap Continues.]
[Ends.]