It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia s03e08 Episode Script

Goddamn, I'm bored! Come on.
Let's do something.
We're a little busy here, Frank.
What the hell are you reading? In Touch.
In Touch? Why would you read that crap? We are trying to stay "in touch" with what's happening in the world.
I'm sorry if we like to keep ourselves informed.
You want to be informed? Read a newspaper.
Dude! Nobody gets their news from a newspaper anymore.
Ah, no, no, no.
But, Dennis, look.
"Plutonium smuggled into Syria.
" That's gonna change my life drastically.
That's gonna change everyone's lives! No one can go to Syria anymore for vacation! Don't you guys get tired of doing nothin' except sitting around drinking? What does that mean? Is that a joke? How could you get tired of that? Heyoh! What's up, bitches? What is up? Turn the TV on right now, dude! This is huge! Turn the TV on! I'm gonna be on the news! Oh, my God.
There was an accident today.
Then the news talker asked Mac what happened.
And he totally went off! I went off for 20 minutes.
It was amazing.
I totally popped.
Here it is! Oh, you popped.
You're gonna be famous.
Shut up! Shut up! This is Ken Jacobs coming to you from Market Street where two buses collided just minutes ago.
We talked to one local resident who had this to say.
It was absolutely crazy.
Police are currently investigating the cause of the accident.
Back to you, Jim.
What the hell was that? Yeah, you really popped.
I think you're gonna be a star.
You're gonna be a big star.
Be in a magazine.
No, no, no.
I talked for, like, 20 minutes about how the traffic system sucks.
And the lights And that we should only have yellow lights because then we can be very cautious but not get stuck in traffic.
It was great.
That sounds incredibly dangerous and stupid.
The point is that that newscaster that bastard newscaster just went in there and cut it all up Cut you all up, dude! Just to make his corporate bosses happy, which is bullshit.
Nobody's getting the real news anymore! That's not real news.
Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade? For social studies? Now, see, that was real news.
We didn't distort facts! We told it like it was.
Yes! Yeah, I remember that video.
You guys were burning G.
I.
Joes and throwing rocks at cats.
That was what was happening! That's what was going on in the world, man! That was the truth.
We'd been throwing rocks at cats for years, Dennis.
We had been! And that's what we were reporting on.
What was happening in the world! We can make better news.
We could, Charlie.
You want me to grab my camera? Yes.
Just like the old days.
Let's go out there.
Let's make some news.
I want in on this action because I am bored to death sitting here.
No, that's a bad idea.
Usually when you get involved, somebody gets hurt.
That's ridiculous.
I'm just palling around with the guys.
How's anybody gonna get hurt? How much more tape? I just don't want it to jiggle around.
I don't want to put any more tape on it.
I'm the one who's carrying it.
What are you guys doing? I've put a light on the front of the camera.
What this does is it makes the news talker look brighter.
It always looked fine when we did it.
Frank's got a good idea here.
We're gonna put this stuff on public access TV.
Anybody can get on that! Yeah.
What? Nobody watches that shit! Dude, there's all sorts of great stuff on public access.
Oh, is there? Well, let's see what kind of quality programming we have here.
What is this? This is public access.
God, that Is so strange.
Ew.
Should I turn It off? No! Well, don't jump to We'll just keep it on for a little bit.
Let's watch it for a little while.
Let's find out what Do It.
Get after it, huh? Yeah, yeah.
All right, let's turn It off! Turn It off! Shut It off! Okay.
We're gonna go down to the power plant and talk about how it's giving the whole city cancer.
Holy shit, dude! I didn't know that! He's making it up, Charlie.
Why would you do that? That's a great story! It scares the shit out of everybody.
Yeah.
Everybody will be terrified.
We don't want to just scare people.
We want to blow the lid off of real scandals.
Expose real crime and corruption.
What? People don't care about that shit.
They want glitz and glamour, celebrities.
They want to read about shit that's gonna help them forget how miserable their lives are.
And pretend like they know what it's like to be famous 'cause that's what everybody wants.
Of course everybody wants to be famous 'cause celebrities get everything.
Easiest job in the world.
You don't even have to do anything anymore to be famous.
No.
Look at Paris Hilton.
She's just a dirty, drunken whore.
You could be famous for being a dirty, drunk whore.
You're a dirty, drunk whore already.
I'm not.
But I could be famous if I just got drunk, went out to a club let people shoot some video with their fancy camera phones.
Right.
Get a couple of up skirts, a couple nip slips.
Boom.
You'd be famous like that.
I think I'd like to avoid the nip slips and up skirts.
I see where you're going with this.
I'll talk you into it at some point.
And I could be famous just by being friends with you.
Absolutely.
Great.
Good luck with that.
Frank, Charlie and I are gonna go to where the real action is.
Boom! Why'd you drag us to a place like this? It smells like the bottom of a birdcage.
Lots of shady shit goes down in nursing homes, Frank, okay? These places are like prisons.
Like people getting assraped? What? Oh, my God, dude.
No, not like people getting assraped.
People don't want to be here because they feel like They're getting assraped.
Nobody's getting assraped, Frank! God, man.
Stop saying "assraped.
" We're locked and loaded here, man.
I'm ready to shoot this thing.
Let's talk to this woman.
Yeah, let's go.
Come on.
Let's move.
Okay, here we go.
I'm gonna do, like, a catchphrase thing.
Ready? In, three, two, one.
Here we go.
Good afternoon, Philadelphia.
This is Mac coming to you live from the Malvin Retirement Home.
Go, go, go, go.
Hello, miss.
What's your name? Irvene Simon.
Hello, Irvene.
Why don't you tell us what's really going on here? Cool face.
Hold It.
Hold It.
Well, I get up around 5:00.
Then I eat breakfast.
I like to have fruit.
She steals the grapes! I do not! Check her purse! I think we've covered breakfast.
Let's move past it.
Good save.
Then after breakfast I like to sit and read recipes.
I don't even know how to cook.
Is there anything that you want to tell the world, Irvene? My grandson's birthday's on Friday.
No, no.
Is there anything about this place that you don't like? The blacks.
Cut! Cut! Cut that! What are you cutting for? That was just starting to get good.
It was not good, okay? It was the ramblings of a crazy, old racist.
Is it hot in here? I meant to bring this up.
How are you sweating so much? It's freezing! It's freezing! Yeah.
They try to keep them alive.
Because meat spoils slower in a fridge.
So they keep it cold.
That interview was terrible.
It was terrible.
We need a more exciting truth.
We do.
Yeah.
Let's set this place on fire.
Let's burn it to the ground! Now you're talking.
We're not setting a nursing home on fire! Those curtains would go up like a snap.
No, we need to find a more exciting part of the city.
Wait a second.
I know just the place.
The shit's always going down in Chinatown, boys! Okay, okay.
Quick conference, guys.
Everyone keep their eyes peeled for drifting.
All right? People here, they love to Look.
Look at this guy.
He's definitely a drifter.
He's going to his car and he's gonna slide it sideways.
Oh, my God.
And you know what happens with Tokyo drifting? It leads to bickering.
They always bicker.
Which, of course, leads to karate.
Which eventually will lead to dudes flying from window to window and treetop to treetop.
Shooting lightning bolts out of their fingers.
Yeah! There's the guy that shoots the lightning bolts out of his hands! He wears the big, straw hat.
And he does that.
We're on the same page.
His eyes go all white and shit.
Let's do It.
And Kurt Russell fights him.
Oh, my God, dude.
The smell is overwhelming.
What the hell are these guys doing? They're just trading fish for other fish is what it looks like.
They're not even bickering.
This isn't gonna lead to karate.
I think what we gotta do is find one sick guy and do a story about a new pandemic.
No one cares about those kinda things, Frank.
This guy looks sick.
That's the same fish they just passed to each other.
Like bird flu, fish flu.
We gotta get 'em to fight.
They just passed that same fish head back and forth.
You think we could get 'em to fight? Whoa.
Here we go.
What's that, huh? Oh, that looks exciting.
Ooh.
Let's go.
That's a bunch of people.
Let's go.
Come on.
Charlie, fire up that camera.
I'm doing it.
Can you see sweat? Because I'm sweating a little bit.
So much.
Yeah? It's a lot? Okay.
What if I do That's better.
Go.
Okay.
Good afternoon, Philadelphia.
We're here in Chinatown where a large crowd has gathered for what can only be a martial arts showdown.
You look scared.
I'm not.
I'm sorry.
I'm just sweating.
It's very hot.
Martial arts.
Okay.
Martial arts expo Just go in.
Go in.
Goddamn it! Love 30.
Whoa.
A pandemic.
Bird flu! Bird flu! I think he's choking, guys.
What? He is choking! Frank, give him the Heimlich! I'm not gonna touch him.
I don't know what he's got.
Do you know the Heimlich? I don't know the Heimlich! Punch him in the stomach or something.
Okay.
Oh, baby! I did it? You okay? I did it! I saved your life! I saved your life, bitch! Whoo! Yeah! That is exactly the kind of stuff we should be filming.
I'm a hero! You got that, right, Charlie? Yeah.
Yeah.
I did and I didn't, Frank.
What? I did and I didn't.
You were pointing the camera at him, right? You got it, right? The punch and everything, right? No, I did I did point the camera at it.
But you know what? I did not put a tape in here.
What? What are you talking about? The problem was that I got the flashlight on.
And I taped the whole deal up.
I realized I'd have to cut all the tape off to get the tape in.
I didn't have much more duct tape.
So I figured, stick with the flashlight while we got it.
So you never put a tape in? While we were out there taping the guys with the fish! Oh, my God! See what's happening here? We're getting a yelling Yeah, we're gonna get yelling! Oh, I'm sorry! I forgot to put a tape in! I forgot to put a tape in! All right, all right, all right! All right.
Here's what we do.
We recreate your heroic moment.
That's it.
We do it again.
We just recreate it? Yes! This time we put a tape in Tape in this time, yes.
Take the light off of it maybe.
Yeah, maybe we don't sweat so much.
Maybe we'll wear more makeup.
Don't blame it on my sweat glands.
That's not fair.
We'll just recreate the whole thing.
All right, let's And you know, you can And this time I could I could look a little bit more heroic.
You could look a lot more heroic, bro.
We'll put enough makeup on you.
You'll look like the shit.
All right.
Let's just make some news, please.
All right.
Ooh! I feel like we've been standing in this line forever! For like our lifetimes! I don't know if we're ever gonna get inside of this place.
Dee, it's a club.
You have to wait in a line.
I gotta be honest with you.
I feel like I'm just a little bit too drunk to stand up.
You were supposed to wait and get drunk inside the club, not outside the club.
Nobody gives a shit about a stupid, drunk whore outside of a club.
That's a lot of talking you're doing.
I gotta lay down.
Lie down? What are you talking about? What are you doing? Dee? Oh! Now you're just some stupid, drunk chick lying in garbage.
Night-night.
"Night-night"? Night-night.
Great.
You want to come in with us? Uh, yeah.
Here, take this.
What is this? You'll see.
Oh! Oh, my God! Holy shit, it's bright out here! Dee, get up.
Get up! Come on! What? Where am I? I'm crashing pretty hard.
I need to go home and get some sleep.
What happened last night? Don't make me into the bad guy.
I'm going out of my way to make us both famous.
It's not my fault if you're not living up to your end.
Okay.
Well, why don't you take my picture now? Dee, that's not gonna work, okay? You're not famous yet.
You're just some stupid, drunk chick who slept in her own puke.
Really? We'll come back tonight.
Come on.
Ride's leaving.
Can No, come on.
I'm not gonna stand in this big line again.
We don't have to wait in line.
Famous, drunk whores, they don't wait in line.
They shove their way to the front and they take a shit all over the bouncer.
That's what you're gonna do.
Don't know if I feel comfortable taking a shit on that bouncer.
You just gotta talk down to him a little bit.
Make him feel like he's beneath you.
That way, he'd be too afraid not to let you in.
Right? Really? The guy doesn't want to lose his job.
I don't know.
Dee, do you want to be famous or not? All right? Take a shit on this guy.
Okay.
Shove your way.
Go.
Shove, shove.
I can shit on him, I think.
Hey, look out.
Jesus, you're in my way! Move it! Move it! Hey! Okay.
Good start.
Short stuff, out of my way.
Yeah, you saw me.
Hi, there.
What's your name? Dee Reynolds.
You on the list? List? I don't need to be on that list, you idiot.
You piece of dirt.
Who are you? I step on you.
I clean you off of my shoes at night.
I step on you, and then I throw away the shoe.
That shoe that I just threw away, that's worth more than your worthless life, mister.
And I am pissed because I loved that shoe.
You dirt.
You piece of subhuman shit.
Whoa, whoa.
Dee, take it easy, all right? I'm not gonna take it easy because this talking dump of a bouncer is starting to get on my nerves.
I'm gonna have you fired, dick hole.
Do you know who I am? Do you have any idea? Or is your brain too tiny to have ideas? Is there any kind of thought roaming around in that thick, shit skull of yours? You with her? No! Nope.
What? And what is your name? Dennis Reynolds.
Dennis Reynolds? Well, what do you know, Dennis Reynolds? You're on the list.
No, no Oh, wow.
That's awesome.
What? But you're not gonna go in without me, right? Uh Dancing Guy! Oh, I love your show, man.
Wow, Dancing Guy! Stop pressing so hard.
Dude, I have to press hard.
You get so nervous, you sweat through it every time.
Just make sure that it's even.
I'm gonna make it even, man! You need to just start calming down and relaxing a little bit more, man.
I'm very stressed out, Charlie.
It's a very stressful situation.
Then relax, dude.
Calm yourself a little bit.
Hey, hey, hey.
I'm sorry.
I just No, come on, dude.
Shh.
That's not such a Well, it's Okay? Come on, dude.
Hey, who's that sexy news guy It's Mac Yes, it's Mac It's Mac.
And he's on the channel whatever we make it on news Right? We're gonna make it on the TV All right, here it is.
You go into the building.
You go into the building.
You run out.
And get the kitties.
With the little box of cats, right? A box of cats.
And you save them.
You save them! I save them from what? Uh Are you gonna set the building on fire? No! Charlie, are you gonna set the building on fire? Yes.
Goddamn it! You want the show to be a hit or what? I am not running into a burning building! It's gotta be exciting! That's what the news talkers Come on, dude.
Well, I quit.
'Cause I can't seem to get into any of the clubs.
And if I can't get into any of the clubs, then how the hell am I supposed to get famous? Three, two, action.
Good evening, Philadelphia.
We've just received word that a litter of adorable kittens is stranded somewhere inside this building that could erupt into flames at any moment! Who will save them? Good, good.
Now shoot the building now.
What? Okay.
Who will save them? Move, dude! I know, but I'm saying If I could get into the Go.
Calm down, calm down, calm down, dude! So I just go grab the box of kittens and run out? Yeah.
That's all there is to it.
You'll be famous.
Everybody loves a hero.
Okay.
Sounds easy enough.
Get to it.
It smells overwhelmingly like kerosene in here! Uhhuh.
I cannot believe you guys.
I could've been killed! Somebody had to save those kittens.
They were trapped inside a burning building, Deandra.
You set me on fire! We set the building on fire.
You just happened to catch on fire.
Barely.
Yeah, we put you out.
That's right.
I'm on fire! I'm on fire! Well, I do look really heroic.
No, you do not look heroic! You threw the box of kittens.
How do you figure? I was on fire! We gotta shoot this shit again.
Yeah, like fire hurts.
All right.
Hey, Dancing Guy! That's the man.
Now this is entertainment.
Oh.
I can't believe It doesn't make any sense, man.
It's, like, what is he What's the time? Diaper Time! Whoa! What? That is weird.
They're really stepping up the insanity here.
Where do they find these people? Look at these people.
Do you not find this sad and embarrassing for them? Those people are pieces of shit.
But I want to watch it.
So much and so often I want to watch it.
I think we should throw parties and just sort of watch it together.
Because this is television at its best.
Definitely.
People love well stories.
Really? Yes! I feel like well stories are played out.
Who gets stuck in a well anymore? Kittens do.
Kittens? You guys put those kitties in there? What else were we supposed to put down there, Dee? Oh, man! All right, fine.
I'll do it.
But don't set it on fire, okay? I feel like this is dangerous enough.
Deandra, use your head.
How are we gonna set a well on fire? It's filled with water.
Huh? Get in the well! I'm going! Save the kittens! Save the day! Give me the matches.
Yep.
I found the kittens! Oh, come on! Okay, it's all good through here.
Hey! There you go.
She throws the kittens in every take.
Oh, she loves to ruin and ruin and ruin and ruin.
Do you guys mind keeping it down a little bit? It's 5:00 in the afternoon.
What the hell? I was at the club all night.
What? Are you turning into a club kid now? Oh, man.
You guys should've been there, man.
Everybody was there.
It was so awesome.
We've been trying to turn Dee into a hero by, like, getting her to rescue kittens in compromising situations.
But she messes up every time! Hey, what if we set up, like, a conveyor belt situation, right? Put the cats on that.
And then at the end of it, a chopping mechanism.
Oh, yeah! Let's chop cats! Hey! This is good! No.
Let's chop cats! We don't actually chop the cats.
Dee grabs them before they get chopped.
We'll chop a couple cats so that you know it's real.
No.
I don't think anybody's really gonna give a shit about a nobody saving a bunch of kittens.
But a celebrity saving cats Then you got a story.
So what are you suggesting? I'm building up quite a reputation around town.
Especially in the club scene.
With my connections I could probably finally get Dee into some of those clubs.
Once she's in those clubs, I can turn her into a celebrity.
And once she's a celebrity, you guys got a story.
You think she's gonna go for that? She's pissed at you, bro, for ditching her there.
I don't think Dee's that desperate to get famous.
I mean, nobody's that pathetic.
I can't believe how famous I'm about to be! Run off to the bathroom and cram a couple fingers down your throat.
Bulimia's really big with this crowd.
I just tried, but I've been throwing up all day long.
I don't think I have any food left inside of me.
Well, try harder.
Because it's really important, all right? Yeah.
Okay.
If only just for show.
Dennis! Hey! Hey! These are the girls.
Don't screw this up.
These girls can make or break you in this town.
Hey.
You look gorgeous.
Hey, listen, ladies.
This is my sister.
Notice how disgustingly skinny she is.
Isn't it weird? Oh, my God! You are like crack skinny! Oh! Okay! That's a compliment.
She throws up all the time.
Oh, my God.
I just got done.
I'm sorry if my breath stinks.
Hey, Dennis, want one? Maybe not tonight, ladies.
I'm kinda working on something.
Oh, come on.
Don't be a loser.
Yeah! Well, uh, all right.
Yeah, maybe just one.
Do you have one for my sister too? Sure.
What is it? You'll see.
Chop, chop, chop.
Good! Good! The cat's dead.
I don't see any problems with that other than the fact that the camera might see my hand killing the cat.
We're gonna pull the cat out of there before it gets to the chopper.
But if Sweet Dee doesn't make it in time, you're gonna see me chop the cat.
Just don't drop the cat.
I can't make that promise.
Come on.
Whoa! Where have you guys been? You look like shit.
I don't want to talk about that.
Did you become celebrities yet? We're not doing the celebrity thing anymore.
We're done with that.
No.
We need you guys.
'Cause we got this great chopping mechanism.
It's for the news show.
There is no news show, Charlie! Yes, there is a news show, Dennis! We're gonna put it on public access! Nobody watches public access.
I don't want to be on public access.
What? Hey! Hey, Dancing Guy's on! No, no, no, no! Turn that off! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Dancing Guy's a great show.
Charlie.
No, Charlie.
Turn it off, man.
Turn it off! What's the time? Diaper Time! What's the time? Diaper Time! Congratulations, guys.
You're famous.