Less Than Kind (2008) s03e08 Episode Script

1 Who are you? I'm Miriam.
The new assistant team manager.
Previously on Less Than Kind One, two, three, four! That kiss, it was weird.
Stupid.
Let's open our own school of acting excellence! Oh my God! Our own academy! The Academy of-- Acting Excellence! Acting Excellence! Yes! Yes! What if no one shows? You know what, even if we don't have any students, at least we got our own acting school.
Right on.
Bingo.
Our first audition! No, wait! Josh, Josh, Josh! Sit down here.
Oh, right.
Put your glasses on.
Put your glasses on.
They come to us.
Enter.
Ugh.
What can I do for you? I'm looking for the acting school.
It's an acting academy.
And you're in it, so I want to sign up.
Wait.
You're really old.
So? I need to learn how to act.
You need to learn? Yes.
My wife, she thinks I'm having an affair with the counter girl.
I'm a butcher.
Counter girl is my best employee.
Also, I schtupping her.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay, okay.
Umm, stand on this "X" right here.
We'll record your audition.
And action.
State your name.
Nothing.
I just need you to teach me to lie so my wife won't catch on to me.
Actors aren't liars.
We're artists.
Artists, liars, same thing.
You called a garage an acting academy and I believed you.
Exactly.
Exactly.
And up above us all Leaning into sky Our golden business boy Will watch the north end die And sing "I love this town" Then let his arching wrecking ball proclaim: "I Hate Winnipeg" Damn it! No! I want to talk to both of you.
Where's Miriam? Running late? I don't know.
She wasn't in history.
Wait, don't you have a biology test now? Yeah, who gives a shit? The guy who helped you study for it.
Oh, right.
Well, one kindness deserves another.
Study this, student! You're not serious? You're out of your mind.
No kid's going to spend ten bucks to see a garage band that played a grand total of once.
Sure they will.
It's a reunion show! We haven't played in a year.
Yeah, so we starved the market.
And the market will not come.
As long as you and Miriam are there, I'm fine with that.
Come on.
Please? I'll think about it.
As long as you think yes.
Your biology teacher's right behind you.
Shit.
This won't end well.
Hi, Anne.
Oh my god.
Jim Sheridan.
Hi.
What brings you by? Well, I heard about Sam.
So, I just I'd take this opportunity to express our condolences.
So, here's some cookies.
Oh.
You just heard now? No.
I heard about it when it happened.
But, you know, there was all that stuff going on.
I told Dan and Terry to go get a card, go get a card.
No one thinks to actually stick it in the mail.
So, here it is now.
Oh, that is so sweet, Jim.
I was sorry to hear.
Did you hear, by the way, about That I sold out to Killigan's? Yeah, I think I did.
Well, that's good, because I was hoping maybe you and I could sit down and talk about all that, sometime.
Yeah? If you want.
Maybe even now.
Oh? Sheldon! Ta-da! Wow.
Your braces are off.
Yeah, I know, after four years! Dad took me on a shopping spree! You look Wow.
Great.
He said I could take whatever I wanted.
So, I've had these stupid things on for so long that I decided to get something special so I got this skirt.
Is it too much? No.
I, uhh Wow.
And I can have corn on the cob at lunch.
Right, you can eat that again.
Mm-hmm.
Well, uhh, congrats.
I'll I'll talk to you later.
Sure.
Stop putting these up.
I'm not doing it.
Oh, yes you are.
No, I'm not.
Why not? You said "Yes" this morning.
I never said yes.
I said I'd think about it.
What happened? I've thought about it and I don't want to do it.
I just don't want to be in the band.
Oh, you and Miriam got into a fight again.
No.
I just don't want to be in the band.
Okay, leave it to me.
I will straighten it out with her.
But I'm getting tired of this.
Leave it alone, Danny.
Get over yourself, Blecher.
Oh, sorry.
"Oh, sorry.
" Watch where the fuck you're going! Do we know that guy? I don't think so.
I think it's going to be okay.
Yeah, no, I think I think, you know You could say it's slow.
But that would only be an opinion.
Right.
Sweet! Hey.
Hey.
Is this the Academy of Acting Whatever? Yeah.
Okay, well, could you move out of the way? It's fricking freezing out here.
Are you auditioning? Uhh, no, no, not me.
Fucktard here thinks she's going to be an actor when she grows up.
But I know better, don't Uhh, no, no, no, no, no.
Lady, we can't deal with this.
I mean, her.
We're an acting academy.
I don't think we can handle her need.
Why not? All you got to do is park Meryl Streep here in the corner.
Let her watch.
And if she gets loud, just give her a juice box.
Would you shut it! You're blowing this.
Uhh You know, this is It's more of a master class, so Listen, she really wants to give this a shot.
I'll pay you whatever you want.
Miriam? Danny? Yeah.
Get out of here! No, I need to talk to you! What crawled up Sheldon's ass? What do you mean? Leave this place! You and Sheldon get into a fight again? No.
But when I saw him before, he was all weird with me.
I don't think he likes my new look.
What look? Stand by.
Ta-da! Wow.
I get it.
Get what? I get why Sheldon's been acting weird.
Hey! This is my day, asshole.
How about "You look nice, Miriam"? That's the problem.
The problem? Get out of here.
You've changed, Goldstein.
Way to ruin everything.
Beat it.
I like the sound of the things that you say I'll move closer But I can't decide if it's just for today Or to stay Could be irresponsible But who cares when you're swept away? I like your tone, your waters unknown I'll stay close Ooh Whoa Ooh Hey, you.
Are you new? No.
Bullshit.
How come I've never seen you before? I sit behind you in Calculus, Vince.
No way! That's you? But you're way hotter now.
Where's your girlfriend today, Vince? Where's yours? Oh, wow.
A lesbian jibe.
Actually, I'm a pretty big fan of the phallus.
He'd know that if he had one.
Bye-bye, Vince.
Okay, well, you stay hot, okay? Can you please stop staring at me? Poor little hot girl.
Congrats on your new popularity with the wrestling team.
Please, shut up! I hate high school right now.
That is my favourite sentiment.
Who are you? Katya.
Scared of cooties? I have herpes.
So, about a week after they bought me out, Killigan shows up and he makes me a job offer.
Sounds like they're treating you well.
Oh, really well.
I mean, wel'.
Who could argue with that? But benefits too.
I got a dental plan.
Can you believe it? Wow.
Did you know that your teeth have numbers? I did not know that.
Yeah, open your mouth.
I'm going to show you.
See this tooth right here? That's your upper five.
I'd show you mine but it's rotted right through.
And the guy says he can save it.
I got the dental plan.
I might as well let him try, right? Oh, and check this out.
This will make you laugh.
What does it say on there? Wow.
Regional vice president.
I I never thought of you as a vice president, Jim.
Hey, no one did.
Shit.
And look at me now.
I'm swimming up La Rivière Gravy.
Killigan's tried to buy us out, too.
But I guess you know that.
You know, most of the driving schools, what they do is just grab at this first offer.
You were so smart to say no.
Oh, it just all happened so fast.
Sam had just died.
Yeah.
Real sorry about that.
So, what does a vice president do, anyway? Well, what if one of the things he does is make the new offers from Killigan's to the driving schools? So, who sold? Berkeley's.
And guess who? All Stars.
Gone.
What about Martin? Martin? I can't recall.
What did he do? Did I hear he went under just after New Year's? Yeah.
Well, maybe.
That's complicated.
Let's not talk about that.
Let's talk about Blecher's.
I don't think we're interested.
No pressure, Annie.
No? None.
As a matter of fact, I'm going to make this fun, really fun.
On the back of that card, I want you to write down a number, nothing stupid, not something like $1 billion or something goofy like that.
Just put down number that's going to enable you to take care of your family and that will put a smile on your face.
And I'm going to do the same thing.
And then we'll compare, okay? Ready? Okay.
Good.
I don't want to see what you're writing down.
I love this.
Best part of my job.
Okay, you ready? On three, we flip.
One, two, three! Oh, my goodness.
I thought that's going to make you happy.
Talk about it with the family.
And then, when you're good and ready, you can give me a call.
How does that sound? That's good, Jim.
That sounds good.
Hey.
Hey, guys.
Hold on.
Who are you? I'll tell you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Danny Fucking Lubbe! Fucking settle down, freak! Oh! Oh! Hey, get off him! Get off him! You two, my office.
Frank, drop him.
Drop him.
This is an exercise we invented called Act Out The Thing.
Ashtray.
Go.
Go.
Nails.
Come on! Come on! Your hands are paper bags.
Stripper.
I'm the pole.
Go.
You dropped your pencil.
You're a naughty nurse.
You dropped your pencil.
Right.
I've been told once that I've changed a life.
And I didn't believe it.
And I looked into it.
And she was a prostitute before.
And now, I find out that she's just a stripper.
So There's no insertion.
She will never get AIDS.
And actually, I saved a life.
What do you think? It's good.
I'll say.
What do you think? I don't t know.
Selling Sam's business? Oh, honey, I get why you want to hang on.
But Sam's not here.
I know, but I have the boys to think about.
Really? Sheldon has never shown any interest in the business.
And now Josh has got the acting school.
Am I clinging? Maybe a little.
Ask him.
Josh, should I sell the driving school to Killigan's? Yes! Please! Okay, well, I guess I know where he stands.
So banal.
My dad drinks and my mom kicked him out.
What happened with yours? I thought everyone heard.
My mom had an affair with a woman.
I did not hear that.
Okay, okay, you win.
That is much more interesting.
It's not.
Trust me.
Oh.
I have the "My Mom's A Lesbian" lipstick.
I'm sure it'll look fantastic.
That really doesn't look like me.
Exactly.
You've got power.
Don't be afraid to use it.
Who knew was ? Come on.
Let's go fuck that boy.
What do you guys have to say for yourselves? Coach, he totally caught me off balance.
Oh, no kidding.
Well, first, this guy's friend took a swing at Vince.
Okay, then what happened? I side-stepped.
You countered? Good job.
Yeah, but then this guy stepped up.
He gets Vince in a cross grip.
Then my balance matrix was completely compromised.
So, that's how he got you into the lockers.
How much do you weigh? Buck eighty.
And he tossed you around like a little girl? That's amazing, but disturbing.
What a disgusting and disappointing display of muscle.
You guys get back to class.
"Bletcher", you stay.
I am shocked by your behaviour, "Bletcher".
But he was hurting my friend-- So that gives you the right to put one of my guys into a chokehold? No.
Oh, you suppose I'm going to go easy on you because you show a raw instinct for the sport of wrestling, don't you? No.
I used to be a lot like you, angry all the time.
I'm not angry all the time.
Every little thing used to cheese me off: My parents, the government, swarms of butterflies, rock music.
I like music.
But you know what I did? I channeled all that rage and fury into the sweet science of "rasslin'".
Why are you telling me this? There's two ways you can go, "Bletcher".
You can either find a healthy outlet for all that muscular rage, or you can go out and get yourself a crack pipe right now, huh? Crack.
I appreciate the concern.
But I'm really not in that kind of trouble.
Come on, kid.
Let me help you.
I don't really need your help.
Let me lift you out of the gutter.
I know you don't like it down there.
I'm good.
Okay, you can either take the wrestling test, or face the alternative.
What's the alternative? I march you down to the office for a probable three-day suspension for fighting.
Huh? Huh? Hey, come on, what happened in there? Danny, do not say one more word to me.
Hey! I'll handle this.
Handle what? Just wait.
Why do I suddenly feel like a sandwich? Oh, is that the best you've got? Oh, I could do way better.
I think not.
In theory, you're being alpha for your pals.
But there's zero chance of your line working.
So, you embrace the safety of certain rejection and then you can retreat back to the homoerotic embrace of your team-mates.
Dude, she's a cow.
Oh, the stinging rebuke of the terminally under-read.
Oh, my god.
You have bigger balls than they do.
Thank you.
Was that fun for you? Oh, very, definitely.
That's good because there are so many creative ways to screw with this ridiculous place and its retarded boys.
I might hang with you more if you were up for that.
I might be.
No! No! No! Oh my god.
There's nobody good enough.
Not one person lives up to the standard of the Academy of Acting Excellence.
What now? You know, I thought Melissa showed promise.
Yeah, she's hot.
But you're casting with your dick, bro.
Isn't that a compromise? Maybe a little.
All right.
Right on.
Okay, well, we can't just have one student.
Okay, well, what about the guy who wanted to learn how to lie to his wife? Miroslav? That is a compromise, bro.
Totally.
Unforgivable.
But at least he's motivated.
He's totally committed to succeed.
What about the wheelchair kid? No fucking way.
Totally agreed.
But her mom is willing to pay cash up front.
Okay, wait a minute.
Look, if we're going to compromise-- Yeah? Let's just really go for it.
Yeah! Totally.
Let's compromise 120%.
Yes! Yes! Everybody's in! We are back, dude! I feel better.
Yeah.
I literally love her.
Okay, that's perfect.
Here you go.
So optimistic of you to bring the cheque.
Well, you got back to me so fast, I just Seemed it was going to be a "Yes".
Yeah, I so want to take this offer.
Boy, I know it's been a tough decision for you.
But you've done the right thing here, 100%.
I thought so too.
And I realized all the good I could do with the money.
And then I called up Martin.
You called Martin? After he refused Killigan's offer, they had the city shut him down for some papers he didn't file.
Yeah.
But you know, Annie, that had absolutely nothing to do with me.
Oh, come on! Remember when you drove around for months with that burned out tail light? So what? Well, Sam could have turned you in.
But he didn't.
Look, I think you should just forget about everything that you've heard and focus on this.
You got to think about what Sam would want for you.
I know.
I have.
I know I can't hold onto him by keeping the school.
But I can hold onto his values.
And what Killigan did to Martin, and Martin's family, Sam would have told you to go to hell.
Annie, Annie, it's not like they're going to send me back here with another cheque.
Do you understand? I can't stop what's going to come next.
I'm okay with that.
Good luck.
Yeah, you too.
Oh, Sam.
Dents and cracks Embedded in my skin May will bloom In fireworks and fury For all the times I didn't let you win Ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh As I make my way Through your convictions And all the miles That we have put between us Have been filled With loving blisters and sour truths One by one, the season change you