Malcolm in the Middle s03e08 Episode Script
Poker
Oh, with the boys asleep this house is so quiet! Mm-hm.
Such a nice idea to build a fire.
Yeah.
Hey, I didn't build a fire.
I thought you built a fire.
Well, looks like Reese got a D in English.
And Dewey seems to be fighting again.
Biting.
Malcolm, tell your teacher I'd love to chaperone the class overnight! We can share a tent! # Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # Life is unfair # I can't believe you're allowed to do a video project instead of a paper! You could have asked! My parents aren't rich enough to buy a camera.
(WHEEZES) Rich and compensating.
I don't know what to write about.
What's your movie gonna be about? The creative process.
You writing .
.
your paper.
Is that on?! Turn it off! You'll make me look like an idiot.
I'm serious! This is .
.
great! Now knock me over! (PHONE RINGS) Hal.
Hey, it's Abe! Hi! I know it's short notice, but someone dropped out of our poker game.
Can you make it tonight? I've been waiting for this for months! See you at eight.
Thanks! Wah! Yah! Honey, guess what, guess what! I'm gonna play poker at Abe's tonight! Tonight's our first dance class! That's tonight? Yes! It was your birthday present to me.
Oh! Fine, go play poker.
I LOVE YOU! Mwah! (CACKLES) Great(!) Who am I gonna go with? Did Reese finish his homework yet? Of course! Good! Come to dance class with me.
What? I was lying.
I didn't finish my homework.
I don't know what my homework is! Go get your shoes.
(WIND HOWLS) If the weather report's right this storm will last a week.
Now, you ration these supplies.
Make no mistake, you're the last ones we'll dig out.
We're supposed to live for a week on meat paste and caribou jerky?! That's a week I don't get any work out of you! No-one's cryin' for me! It's just a friendly game.
We sit around talking and eventually get around to cards.
Good.
I want to meet your friends.
Everybody, this is Hal.
Hal.
Hi, Hal.
Hal, this is Brian, Trey, Steve and Malik.
(CLEARS THROAT) It's great to meet you.
So, what's the buy-in? $50.
There.
So, what's with Wanda? Ain't no thang! (ALL) Whoa! (ALL LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY) Put a dollar in the pot.
(ALL LAUGH) Oh, we got a regular D-dog here! (ALL LAUGH) Right, left, cha-cha cha! God made artificial hips for a reason! Use them! And back.
Cha-cha, finish.
Very good.
Everyone, let's pair up.
May I? Oh, OK.
No way! You be a gentleman! It's just like touching a corpse It's just like touching a corpse How many lessons have you had? What? None! Really? I'm impressed! You have very good instincts.
I do? Mm-hm.
You're built for it.
You have a dancer's ankles.
I do not! You're a lovely young man.
You don't shake like all the other men here! Mind if I cut in? You wait your turn! I'll give you five bucks to dance with me.
OK! And still he has .
.
nothing! Alright! That's it! I'm writing about you doing a movie.
But my movie's about your paper.
Yeah.
I'm doing my paper about your movie about me doing my paper! Fine(!) My movie's .
.
about you doing .
.
your paper .
.
about me doing .
.
my Alright, I get it! .
.
movie .
.
about you Hey, guys! You should do your movie about old people.
They've saved money for years, and outlived everyone they wanted to share it with.
Talk about sad! Raise you five.
I'll see your five and raise you .
.
two.
(ALL CHUCKLE) Call.
Full house! Kings over eights.
Straight flush to the jack.
I knew you had it! But he had nothing on top! He never stays in unless he's got something.
Well, perhaps we should call it a night.
We're definitely bringin' you back! (ALL LAUGH) When was the last time you won? He can't remember that far back! Now you got something to sneak INTO your wife's purse! (ALL LAUGH) I had the most wonderful time at dance class! Every time the instructor showed us something, he used me as his partner.
I always thought I was such a clodhopper! I cannot believe what I have missed all these years.
How was your game? Hm? Oh, it was great! Why wouldn't it be? I love Abe! I love poker! A whole night playing poker with Abe .
.
and his friends.
I have a dancer's ankles! What do you think, huh? Wanna dance with the star pupil? Huh? You know, dance.
No, I'm not in the mood.
You're always in the mood! Not every single night! Yes, you are! I'm not some kind of machine! You can't just snap your fingers - Yes, I can.
I always have.
Oh, alright! Pumpkin oil, pectin, manganese sulphate and .
.
zinc oxide? Yes! That's meat paste, baby! This sucks! We knew we were gonna be stuck here for a week and no-one brought a deck of cards? I could do my foot-puppets again.
Please, no! How long have we been stuck here for? I have lost all sense of time.
I'd guess about five days.
We just gotta keep ourselves busy.
Let's put our heads together and recreate episodes of Gilligan's Island! We already did that.
That was this storm?! If we don't come up with something to do, I will go insane! Come on, Reese! We're gonna be late! We're doing the mambo tonight.
I'll be home about 10:30.
Eeargh! Arrgh! What are you doing? Is it too much to ask for pickles that are edible?! Hal, what's wrong? Nothing.
Just go to your class.
Look, you have been snapping at everybody all week.
My class can wait one minute.
Now, you tell me what's going on.
(SIGHS) OK.
This thing happened.
I didn't wanna talk about it because I'm not sure it happened and if it didn't I'd be a jerk for saying it did when it didn't.
I'd be creating this BIG issue, but it did happen.
Ohhh, it did! I've recently come into a little money so I went to the mall to buy myself a CD player, then I saw a kid who looked like you and I thought of something better.
Here.
Wow! The look on your face! It was totally worth it! You're the worst brother ever! I know! I know! Oh, we like to think the differences people have aren't differences, but then I'm taken advantage of because I'm different! I'm sorry, I gotta go.
We can talk later.
Bye! (RINGING TONE) (RINGING TONE) (RINGING TONE) "Hello?" Abe, it's Hal.
"Please leave a message after the beep.
" Abe, it's Hal.
I don't know if this is recording, but we need to talk.
I could be mistaken, and if I am, it's gonna make me sound like - "(BEEP)" I'm an idiot.
(ENGAGED TONE) Dad! Stevie's being really annoying! He's filming everything I do! Malcolm's Dammit, Stevie, I don't wanna hear it! You behave! You are a guest in this house! He was a guest in your house! People should never yell at children! Especially children that aren't their own! I apologised two minutes later! And Stevie accepted the apology! You know, he's not that fragile.
Relax! Really.
What? At least I'm man enough to apologise when I've been a jerk! What is that supposed to mean?! You know what I'm talking about.
The way you and your friends treated me! What?! Oh, please! Obviously I'm different! I stuck out like a sore thumb.
I thought it didn't matter but If you're implying what I think you're implying.
You want me to just say it? I think you better.
Fine! You and your poker buddies all ganged up on me because I'm not a professional! Excuse me?! You and your doctor and lawyer and dentist friend! You decided it was OK to skin a guy just because he's a working stiff! And I bet you had a big laugh about it! We didn't gang up on you! You just stink at poker! That was a cheap shot.
The truth hurts.
If we played a straight game, I'd mop the floor with you.
We did play in a straight game.
And you went home crying to your momma! Let's play right now and we'll see who will do the crying and who will do the mopping.
I will own you! I-I mean I didn't mean I meant - Oh, shut up and get the cards.
.
My home is full of messy little rascals.
Thank goodness my Air Wick Fresh Matic keeps the place fresh automatically.
It releases bursts of fragrance every 9, 18 or 36 minutes, so it always smells great.
(sniffs) Ahh! Whatever my lot get up to.
(sniffs) Ahh! Now there's a new discreet Fresh Matic Mini.
It goes anywhere in the house and automatically keeps it smelling lovely.
.
Gonna see me? (He doesn't have the flush.
) (What?) (He has a tell.
He licks his lips when he's bluffing.
) I'll see your five, and raise you five.
Fold.
Hah-ha! Bet's ten.
I call.
Straight.
Flush.
(DING!) Time's up.
My turn with the string.
I gave it to Pete.
I gave it to Francis.
And then I gave it back to Eric.
What?! You did not! Yes, I did! What are you trying to pull? I'm just sayin', I don't have the string.
You're the last person I saw it with.
What are we gonna do without it?! It's just a stupid string! (ALL GASP) So, what would be a reason for saying that, Eric? You seem to have a motive against the string.
No, I love the string! It's - Maybe you loved it a little too much.
And I quote, "If I can't have the string, no-one will.
" I didn't say that! Someone said it! You! Just now! Don't try to twist this around.
He's not the one on trial.
What trial?! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! He raises four.
Your four, five more.
Maybe you should - You wanna play? Fine.
I almost feel sorry for them.
Almost.
(LAUGHS) We're gonna end this right here.
Winner take all.
Fine.
Turn 'em up.
Three fives! Three fives with a jack.
Yeah! That makes six fives.
What the hell kind of deck has six fives?! I got them from the boys' room.
You don't even have a decent deck! I'm sorry I don't have solid gold cards like you're accustomed to! This poor-guy act is getting tiring.
Your superior act is old! If I'm such a jerk, why'd you come over?! Pardon me for wanting to play poker with my best friend! I mean, I-I was really excited to come over and play poker and .
.
meet your other friends.
Truth be told, I was excited for you to come over, too.
I bought a new shirt.
That Hawaiian one? I like that one.
Why are we fighting like this? Because we're idiots! (BOTH CHUCKLE) Boys, what do you say we go out for ice cream? Sounds good to me.
Dewey, come on, we're going for ice cream! Where's your brother? See this, ladies? Mrs Angelo gets her dance.
As for the rest of you - I am not running a charity.
You have to come up with the dough.
I do not dance on credit.
No offence, but some of you might not even be around next week.
(WALTZ PLAYS) (ALL APPLAUD / CHEER) Oh, I didn't want that to end! That does it - I am signing up for your Monday, Wednesday class.
Maybe Saturday, too! Lois, Lois, please.
Come with me.
Um, .
.
we have to stop this.
Why? Honey, you've outgrown me.
I give beginning dance lessons, usually to people who can barely move.
This is another instructor.
He's across town.
He is the best.
He's the only one who can take you to the next level.
But I really love it here.
Lois, you have a gift.
You mustn't waste it.
It's time for you to - to spread your wings.
Fly.
Fly away, little bird.
Oh, my God! Francis! You're going to do it?! I'm your best friend.
I'm not gonna let these jerks brand you.
Everyone's gonna know you're a string thief! Aaaaaargh! We're shovelled out.
Vacation's over.
He took the string.
Every damn storm! So, Dewey, how come you're not playing with your toy? What are you smiling about? "(BALLROOM DANCING MUSIC)" Where did you get this?! "# .
.
cheek to cheek #" "# Is heaven #" Have a seat.
In a minute you and Mrs Johnson do the forbidden dance.
You think that's the only copy? What do you take me for? Enjoy your assembly tomorrow.
I'm going to the ball game with Abe.
He had one ticket.
Invited me.
That's great, dear.
I'm glad What's this? "(WALTZ PLAYS)" He was trying to get rid of me! Hal, turn this off.
Hal! Oh, my God, I can't believe how beautiful you dance! Hal, you are such a fool.
(WALTZ PLAYS) '(CRASH!)' '(SMASH)' Apply again, again, again Applying Athlete's Foot treatments day after day can feel never ending.
Try revolutionary Lamisil Once.
A single application and the lasting film keeps on working in the skin .
.
to eliminate Athlete's Foot.
Once and you're done.
So you can feel in touch again.
Lamisil Once.
Such a nice idea to build a fire.
Yeah.
Hey, I didn't build a fire.
I thought you built a fire.
Well, looks like Reese got a D in English.
And Dewey seems to be fighting again.
Biting.
Malcolm, tell your teacher I'd love to chaperone the class overnight! We can share a tent! # Yes, no, maybe # I don't know # Can you repeat the question? # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # You're not the boss of me now # And you're not so big # Life is unfair # I can't believe you're allowed to do a video project instead of a paper! You could have asked! My parents aren't rich enough to buy a camera.
(WHEEZES) Rich and compensating.
I don't know what to write about.
What's your movie gonna be about? The creative process.
You writing .
.
your paper.
Is that on?! Turn it off! You'll make me look like an idiot.
I'm serious! This is .
.
great! Now knock me over! (PHONE RINGS) Hal.
Hey, it's Abe! Hi! I know it's short notice, but someone dropped out of our poker game.
Can you make it tonight? I've been waiting for this for months! See you at eight.
Thanks! Wah! Yah! Honey, guess what, guess what! I'm gonna play poker at Abe's tonight! Tonight's our first dance class! That's tonight? Yes! It was your birthday present to me.
Oh! Fine, go play poker.
I LOVE YOU! Mwah! (CACKLES) Great(!) Who am I gonna go with? Did Reese finish his homework yet? Of course! Good! Come to dance class with me.
What? I was lying.
I didn't finish my homework.
I don't know what my homework is! Go get your shoes.
(WIND HOWLS) If the weather report's right this storm will last a week.
Now, you ration these supplies.
Make no mistake, you're the last ones we'll dig out.
We're supposed to live for a week on meat paste and caribou jerky?! That's a week I don't get any work out of you! No-one's cryin' for me! It's just a friendly game.
We sit around talking and eventually get around to cards.
Good.
I want to meet your friends.
Everybody, this is Hal.
Hal.
Hi, Hal.
Hal, this is Brian, Trey, Steve and Malik.
(CLEARS THROAT) It's great to meet you.
So, what's the buy-in? $50.
There.
So, what's with Wanda? Ain't no thang! (ALL) Whoa! (ALL LAUGH UPROARIOUSLY) Put a dollar in the pot.
(ALL LAUGH) Oh, we got a regular D-dog here! (ALL LAUGH) Right, left, cha-cha cha! God made artificial hips for a reason! Use them! And back.
Cha-cha, finish.
Very good.
Everyone, let's pair up.
May I? Oh, OK.
No way! You be a gentleman! It's just like touching a corpse It's just like touching a corpse How many lessons have you had? What? None! Really? I'm impressed! You have very good instincts.
I do? Mm-hm.
You're built for it.
You have a dancer's ankles.
I do not! You're a lovely young man.
You don't shake like all the other men here! Mind if I cut in? You wait your turn! I'll give you five bucks to dance with me.
OK! And still he has .
.
nothing! Alright! That's it! I'm writing about you doing a movie.
But my movie's about your paper.
Yeah.
I'm doing my paper about your movie about me doing my paper! Fine(!) My movie's .
.
about you doing .
.
your paper .
.
about me doing .
.
my Alright, I get it! .
.
movie .
.
about you Hey, guys! You should do your movie about old people.
They've saved money for years, and outlived everyone they wanted to share it with.
Talk about sad! Raise you five.
I'll see your five and raise you .
.
two.
(ALL CHUCKLE) Call.
Full house! Kings over eights.
Straight flush to the jack.
I knew you had it! But he had nothing on top! He never stays in unless he's got something.
Well, perhaps we should call it a night.
We're definitely bringin' you back! (ALL LAUGH) When was the last time you won? He can't remember that far back! Now you got something to sneak INTO your wife's purse! (ALL LAUGH) I had the most wonderful time at dance class! Every time the instructor showed us something, he used me as his partner.
I always thought I was such a clodhopper! I cannot believe what I have missed all these years.
How was your game? Hm? Oh, it was great! Why wouldn't it be? I love Abe! I love poker! A whole night playing poker with Abe .
.
and his friends.
I have a dancer's ankles! What do you think, huh? Wanna dance with the star pupil? Huh? You know, dance.
No, I'm not in the mood.
You're always in the mood! Not every single night! Yes, you are! I'm not some kind of machine! You can't just snap your fingers - Yes, I can.
I always have.
Oh, alright! Pumpkin oil, pectin, manganese sulphate and .
.
zinc oxide? Yes! That's meat paste, baby! This sucks! We knew we were gonna be stuck here for a week and no-one brought a deck of cards? I could do my foot-puppets again.
Please, no! How long have we been stuck here for? I have lost all sense of time.
I'd guess about five days.
We just gotta keep ourselves busy.
Let's put our heads together and recreate episodes of Gilligan's Island! We already did that.
That was this storm?! If we don't come up with something to do, I will go insane! Come on, Reese! We're gonna be late! We're doing the mambo tonight.
I'll be home about 10:30.
Eeargh! Arrgh! What are you doing? Is it too much to ask for pickles that are edible?! Hal, what's wrong? Nothing.
Just go to your class.
Look, you have been snapping at everybody all week.
My class can wait one minute.
Now, you tell me what's going on.
(SIGHS) OK.
This thing happened.
I didn't wanna talk about it because I'm not sure it happened and if it didn't I'd be a jerk for saying it did when it didn't.
I'd be creating this BIG issue, but it did happen.
Ohhh, it did! I've recently come into a little money so I went to the mall to buy myself a CD player, then I saw a kid who looked like you and I thought of something better.
Here.
Wow! The look on your face! It was totally worth it! You're the worst brother ever! I know! I know! Oh, we like to think the differences people have aren't differences, but then I'm taken advantage of because I'm different! I'm sorry, I gotta go.
We can talk later.
Bye! (RINGING TONE) (RINGING TONE) (RINGING TONE) "Hello?" Abe, it's Hal.
"Please leave a message after the beep.
" Abe, it's Hal.
I don't know if this is recording, but we need to talk.
I could be mistaken, and if I am, it's gonna make me sound like - "(BEEP)" I'm an idiot.
(ENGAGED TONE) Dad! Stevie's being really annoying! He's filming everything I do! Malcolm's Dammit, Stevie, I don't wanna hear it! You behave! You are a guest in this house! He was a guest in your house! People should never yell at children! Especially children that aren't their own! I apologised two minutes later! And Stevie accepted the apology! You know, he's not that fragile.
Relax! Really.
What? At least I'm man enough to apologise when I've been a jerk! What is that supposed to mean?! You know what I'm talking about.
The way you and your friends treated me! What?! Oh, please! Obviously I'm different! I stuck out like a sore thumb.
I thought it didn't matter but If you're implying what I think you're implying.
You want me to just say it? I think you better.
Fine! You and your poker buddies all ganged up on me because I'm not a professional! Excuse me?! You and your doctor and lawyer and dentist friend! You decided it was OK to skin a guy just because he's a working stiff! And I bet you had a big laugh about it! We didn't gang up on you! You just stink at poker! That was a cheap shot.
The truth hurts.
If we played a straight game, I'd mop the floor with you.
We did play in a straight game.
And you went home crying to your momma! Let's play right now and we'll see who will do the crying and who will do the mopping.
I will own you! I-I mean I didn't mean I meant - Oh, shut up and get the cards.
.
My home is full of messy little rascals.
Thank goodness my Air Wick Fresh Matic keeps the place fresh automatically.
It releases bursts of fragrance every 9, 18 or 36 minutes, so it always smells great.
(sniffs) Ahh! Whatever my lot get up to.
(sniffs) Ahh! Now there's a new discreet Fresh Matic Mini.
It goes anywhere in the house and automatically keeps it smelling lovely.
.
Gonna see me? (He doesn't have the flush.
) (What?) (He has a tell.
He licks his lips when he's bluffing.
) I'll see your five, and raise you five.
Fold.
Hah-ha! Bet's ten.
I call.
Straight.
Flush.
(DING!) Time's up.
My turn with the string.
I gave it to Pete.
I gave it to Francis.
And then I gave it back to Eric.
What?! You did not! Yes, I did! What are you trying to pull? I'm just sayin', I don't have the string.
You're the last person I saw it with.
What are we gonna do without it?! It's just a stupid string! (ALL GASP) So, what would be a reason for saying that, Eric? You seem to have a motive against the string.
No, I love the string! It's - Maybe you loved it a little too much.
And I quote, "If I can't have the string, no-one will.
" I didn't say that! Someone said it! You! Just now! Don't try to twist this around.
He's not the one on trial.
What trial?! Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! He raises four.
Your four, five more.
Maybe you should - You wanna play? Fine.
I almost feel sorry for them.
Almost.
(LAUGHS) We're gonna end this right here.
Winner take all.
Fine.
Turn 'em up.
Three fives! Three fives with a jack.
Yeah! That makes six fives.
What the hell kind of deck has six fives?! I got them from the boys' room.
You don't even have a decent deck! I'm sorry I don't have solid gold cards like you're accustomed to! This poor-guy act is getting tiring.
Your superior act is old! If I'm such a jerk, why'd you come over?! Pardon me for wanting to play poker with my best friend! I mean, I-I was really excited to come over and play poker and .
.
meet your other friends.
Truth be told, I was excited for you to come over, too.
I bought a new shirt.
That Hawaiian one? I like that one.
Why are we fighting like this? Because we're idiots! (BOTH CHUCKLE) Boys, what do you say we go out for ice cream? Sounds good to me.
Dewey, come on, we're going for ice cream! Where's your brother? See this, ladies? Mrs Angelo gets her dance.
As for the rest of you - I am not running a charity.
You have to come up with the dough.
I do not dance on credit.
No offence, but some of you might not even be around next week.
(WALTZ PLAYS) (ALL APPLAUD / CHEER) Oh, I didn't want that to end! That does it - I am signing up for your Monday, Wednesday class.
Maybe Saturday, too! Lois, Lois, please.
Come with me.
Um, .
.
we have to stop this.
Why? Honey, you've outgrown me.
I give beginning dance lessons, usually to people who can barely move.
This is another instructor.
He's across town.
He is the best.
He's the only one who can take you to the next level.
But I really love it here.
Lois, you have a gift.
You mustn't waste it.
It's time for you to - to spread your wings.
Fly.
Fly away, little bird.
Oh, my God! Francis! You're going to do it?! I'm your best friend.
I'm not gonna let these jerks brand you.
Everyone's gonna know you're a string thief! Aaaaaargh! We're shovelled out.
Vacation's over.
He took the string.
Every damn storm! So, Dewey, how come you're not playing with your toy? What are you smiling about? "(BALLROOM DANCING MUSIC)" Where did you get this?! "# .
.
cheek to cheek #" "# Is heaven #" Have a seat.
In a minute you and Mrs Johnson do the forbidden dance.
You think that's the only copy? What do you take me for? Enjoy your assembly tomorrow.
I'm going to the ball game with Abe.
He had one ticket.
Invited me.
That's great, dear.
I'm glad What's this? "(WALTZ PLAYS)" He was trying to get rid of me! Hal, turn this off.
Hal! Oh, my God, I can't believe how beautiful you dance! Hal, you are such a fool.
(WALTZ PLAYS) '(CRASH!)' '(SMASH)' Apply again, again, again Applying Athlete's Foot treatments day after day can feel never ending.
Try revolutionary Lamisil Once.
A single application and the lasting film keeps on working in the skin .
.
to eliminate Athlete's Foot.
Once and you're done.
So you can feel in touch again.
Lamisil Once.