M*A*S*H (MASH) s03e08 Episode Script

[Indistinct Chattering.]
Major, you have the hands of a concert violinist.
He could've been a surgeon.
I'm running the show.
You're just the anesthetist today.
- I know.
It's your band, and I'm just a boy singer.
- Shh! Now stepping mike-side, the lovely Hawkeye Pierce to sing the very haunting "Star Spangled Banner.
" Officer? Labbi Forbris? - Keep walking, Margaret.
- Please! Labbi Forbris.
- Frank! - Just keep walking.
She probably wants to sell the baby.
You know how they are.
- Just a second.
- Lookee, missee.
Me sabe and Meme Sabe very busy working hard all night.
Chow time? - Major? - Maybe we should talk to her for a second.
That only puts another dollar in the bank of permissiveness.
Frank, I want to tell you what a great job you did this morning.
Skillful technique, O.
R.
Efficiency unparalleled.
- A superior team effort.
- Thank you very much.
Now if you could just get this back in.
- Hello, Chopper.
- Hello, Father.
- Hello, Hawkeye.
- Hello, Father.
- Hello, Don.
- Hello, Phil.
- Hello, Mary.
- Hello, Rochester.
Hello, Mr.
Benny.
[Laughs.]
How can you give thanks for food this bad? Just being grateful for my daily bread.
My daily bread's four days old.
Mail call.
Father.
Ah, it's from my sister, the sister.
- Maria Angelica.
- I thought her name was Kathy.
Maria Angelica's the name she took as a nun.
- Her married name.
- No mail for me? A cancelled subscription? A lawyer letter? An apology from my draft board? It was all a mistake? Something? This one's marked, "Occupant, MASH 4077 th.
" Sold.
I'll enjoy this after the afternoon prayer.
- Who's yours from, Trap? - My five year old.
Or my wife has started writing in crayon.
- What's that? - A picture of a barnyard.
If you can find the faces of ten United States presidents in this picture you can be the proud owner of a Shetland pony.
Hey, terrific.
I see one already right there.
Coolidge.
Right near the horse's tail.
That's one.
There's Teddy Roosevelt in the tree.
Bully, bully! You trying to muscle in on our pony, Father? Your films came, sir, from the Tabasco Film Company, Havana, Cuba.
Tee-riff! Great.
Great.
"Yvonne, Renee and Loretta in What the Parrot Saw.
" - What's the other one say, sir? - Oh, uh "Renee, Loretta and the Parrot in What Yvonne Saw.
" Uh, sir, could I watch the films with you this time with Captain Mclntyre and Pierce? Ah, Radar, you'd be bored to death.
I mean, it's all medical stuff.
Uh-huh.
Here's a letter from your wife.
- Thank you, Radar.
- You're welcome.
Forbris, Forbris.
There was a Lieutenant Forbes.
Tall, thin guy.
Only dermatologist I ever knew with pimples.
- Maybe she's looking for Captain Forrest.
- Who? The brain surgeon who fell down a lot.
No, no.
He's been gone over two years.
He's got a toy store now.
Read, please.
[Trapper.]
What? "Labbi Forbris" is "rabbi for Bris.
" Yes.
Yes.
Sang Min.
She's married to Walter R.
Jacobson, Corporal.
This is their son, Sang MinJacobson who's too young to have a number yet.
"The father, busy at the front, is requesting that a circumcision be performed with a traditionalJewish ceremony, which is known as a Bris.
" I'll do the circumcision but you're gonna have to get a Jewish chaplain to lay on the prayers.
- Can Father Mulcahy doJewish? - Only if he can read Latin from right to left.
Talk to the father.
He's right inside.
He's got a black shirt, white collar.
Cross around the neck.
Oh, a padre.
Si.
We don't get a lot of those cases.
I don't remember a single soldier coming through in diapers before.
Doc, run to the Motor Pool.
I'll throw you a long one.
- Arm like a rifle.
- Hall of Famer.
Bet they retire your smock.
Guys, did I get a letter from my wife! Oh, man! Fantastic! We're happy for you.
Did the movies come? - Yeah.
What the Parrot Saw.
- I love animal films.
- What time is the screening? - Midnight in the generator shed.
But never mind! I've got to tell you about Lorraine's letter.
- Millard Fillmore.
- Hey, great! Who? We're gonna take your picture on a pony so you can send it home to your wife.
What pony? Read this letter.
What a woman! I bet there isn't a guy here in this godforsaken toilet with trees that's got his wife's permission to horse around.
- "Dear Henry.
" - We read it, Henry.
"I know, darling, what you're going through the hardships, loneliness living in tents like animals.
" - I didn't know animals lived in tents.
- Neither did I.
"So if it should happen that you meet another woman" "So if it should happen that you meet another woman someone who is kind, I would certainly understand, my darling.
" - Can you believe her? - I'm still having trouble believing you.
- That's great.
- Yeah.
You said something about taking a picture.
- Could we do it now? I'd like to send it to her.
- We don't have the pony yet.
Oh, okay.
- Prince.
- Lightning.
- Norman.
- Buck.
Norman's a great name for a pony.
The other horses'll make fun of him.
Yeah.
And he'll probably have to wear glasses.
[Cooing.]
Well, there's Captain Epstein.
He's a very fine Jewish chaplain.
We went through indoctrination together.
Lovely fellow, Eppy.
Water-skier, paratrooper.
A bit meshuga, actually.
- [Mouthing Words.]
- He's with the 109th.
However, he's not Orthodox.
He's Conservative.
Oh, I don't think she'd want anything flashy.
If you can't get Captain Epstein, try the Navy, Marines.
Let's get this little fellow taken care of.
It's a lovely boy.
Did I remember to give you that letter from your sister? Yes, yes.
I was about to read it.
Please, don't be worried about the circumcision.
Some of my best friends have had one.
Thank you, Father.
Thank you.
#Kyrie eleison # - Fragment at L-3, one centimeter.
- L-3.
Compression fracture, L-4, lesions and trauma.
- [Mumbling.]
Finished.
- Good.
That O.
D.
T-shirt makes me crazy.
I wanted to bite you in the chow line.
[Moaning.]
I didn't see anything.
You seen anything, Trap? - I didn't see a thing.
- We were simply checking spines.
Did you find out you each had one? Would you make up I don't know which one of you is more obscene.
- He is.
We took a poll.
- What are you doing? Is thatJames Buchanan under the haystack? What would a president be doing under a haystack? What am I doing in South Korea without a paddle? What's this I hear about you performing a "cirky" on an infant? - That's elective surgery.
- Against regulations.
So is groping in the X ray room without leather aprons.
The mother and child happen to be dependents of an American soldier.
Isn't that John Quincy Adams? That dependent card and letter could be forgeries.
Sounds like one of their rackets to me.
Right.
She gets rich taking her baby around to hospitals getting him circumcised.
Come on, Major.
[Trapper.]
Going to do more research? Pace yourself, kids.
It might be a long war.
Right there.
That big red apple.
Ulysses S.
Grant's nose.
Hey, you guys think my wife could have a guilty conscience? What are you talking about? Where'd you get an idea like that? - I saw that.
- Read between the lines.
Mmmm.
Mmmm.
Mmmm.
- He's right, Henry.
That's exactly what it says.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
[Mumbling.]
- Uh-huh.
- [Henry.]
Why? Why? The country club.
That's what it is.
That country club.
- Right.
- A thousand dollars to join, - For what? - What? Heartbreak, that's what.
Nothing but heartbreak.
Say good morning to the pro, and he sells you an alpaca sweater.
Right.
That was the 109th.
Captain Epstein's been rotated to Temple Beth El in Buffalo.
- Who? - The chaplain that does water-skiing and circumcisions.
Hey, those are good hobbies.
I used to collect butterflies.
I never caught any, though.
I got a sick moth once.
He was eating my father's blue serge, and I slammed the closet door on him.
- I'll try someone else.
- All right.
Nah.
Lorraine would never do anything wrong.
Who am I speaking to? Uh, Corporal Sweeny? You guys got a rabbi down there? It's for a Bris.
It's like a christening performed on newborn male personnel who areJewish Hebrews.
Right, you go look.
I'll wait.
It's all in your imagination, Henry.
I don't know.
I've seen those single guys checking on the wives at the club.
Them and their brown and white wing-tip shoes.
They don't care.
You know, one hot night a couple summers ago one of'em cut in on me and Lorraine at the dance.
He didn't even have the decency to hold her with a hanky over his hand.
Next dance with me, she had a soggy back.
- You're doing the jack story, Henry.
- I know what started it.
She took up tennis.
She wears those short, little skirts.
Lorraine has gorgeous legs since her varicose vein operation.
- Have a drink, Henry.
- What legs.
Sailor followed her once four blocks and she was wearing orthopedic shoes.
Maybe it would help if you took a long walk in a mine field.
- Have a talk with Father Mulcahy.
- Well Hey! Now that's a good idea.
I just won't mention that the country club doesn't allow Catholics.
Kathy, Kathy, Kathy.
How could you think of such a thing? Father? Father, I've got to talk to you about my wife.
My sister wants to leave the order.
There's guilt all over this letter.
She's such a fantastic nun.
I'd stack her up against any nun in the business.
I gave her whatever she needed, even if she didn't want it.
God smiled on her from the start.
Imagine! A basketball scholarship at the Holy Name Academy.
Appendices, adenoids, tonsils.
I took something out of every member of her family.
And all freebies.
She's been teaching.
She loves children.
Now she thinks she might like one of her own.
Lorraine can be a little flirty especially after a couple of Scotch and Seven-Ups.
Now she wants my approval.
I don't know what to tell her.
- I don't know what to say.
- [Knocking At Door.]
I think I got a Bris guy zeroed in on the carrier Essex.
Oh, good, Radar.
Stay on it.
Yes, Father, sir.
Well, anything else, Colonel? No.
No, thank you, Father.
It certainly helps to talk to someone about these things who's sympathetic.
Anytime, my son.
What's your diagnosis? We got it isolated.
At exactly 1400 hours.
It isn't a president's face, but it's political-looking.
- It's a cow chip.
- Keep searching.
One more president to go, and we're pony owners.
She's such a fantastic nun.
One of your top nuns.
Radar, who do I see about getting an emergency furlough? - First you see the chaplain.
- But I am the chaplain.
Right.
Then he, who is in your case you, contacts the Red Cross which gets back to you, since you're him.
- How's that? - [Phone Ringing.]
No kidding? Great! We got a Jewish chaplain, Father.
Go ahead.
Lieutenant Commander Cornfield.
He's on the carrier Essex off Inchon.
I can reach him by code for the next four hours.
Do I know what you're saying? He could radio us the Bris ceremony, and you officiate.
Oh, yes, yes.
That'll work.
Tell the rabbi roger, kosher and out.
- You're both gonna be sorry.
- Very sorry.
I found a way to have tangible evidence that you will have performed elective surgery.
- And there'll be none of your weaseling out of it.
- Have you finished? - I have.
- Your fly is untied.
- Really! - Colonel, do you realize No, Frank.
Or, yes, Frank.
Whichever you prefer to hear.
I'm sure of it now, guys.
I even know who it is.
Lyle Pendergrast.
Always kissing her hand.
One time he got his mustache caught in her ring.
- Wow, his eyes watered.
- Henry! You know what I've been doing? Crying.
I never cry.
I never cried as a kid.
Go ahead.
Hit me on the arm as hard as you can.
I won't cry.
- Go on.
- It's no sin to cry.
It is in Bloomington.
Tractor tipped over on my father once and he walked five miles into the woods to scream.
Why don't you patch through to the States and call your wife? As soon as you hear her voice, you'll realize that everything is okay.
For a second, I thought you were gonna say "hunky-dory.
" It crossed my mind.
Yeah, I'll hear her voice.
We'll talk about the kids and I'll hear the dog barking in the yard.
Let it all out, Henry.
Come on.
I'm not gonna cry.
I'm not gonna cry.
Watch.
[Buzzing.]
Yeah, right.
One sec.
Sir? Your call to Bloomington.
- It's Mrs.
Colonel, your wife, sir.
- Oh.
- You look fine, sir.
- Can you tell I've been crying? - No.
- Good.
You can only have two minutes on the line.
That's all I could get.
[Sighs.]
Hi, Lorraine.
It's me, Henry.
Oh, I'm, uh I'm fine, dear.
How are you? Oh, swell, honey.
Kids good? Terrific.
No, no, no.
I'm still here at the war.
No, I haven't been shot or anything.
The latrine caught fire the other day.
I was in it.
But nothing important got burned, just a little singed.
What? Well, yes.
Yes, there is something l You're gonna think this is really silly.
I mean, it's gonna make you laugh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, uh Lorraine, I want you to be as honest with me as I've always tried to be with you.
I mean, your letter today.
Uh, your last letter? It could be interpreted as Who? Al Franklin? Do I know him? Yeah, I know him.
Tall guy, 12 handicap, drives a yellow Jag.
The Pumpkin Dance at the country club? Uh-huh.
Ah, Lorraine! Lorraine! An orthodontist! Well, I mean, honey, don't, don't cry.
Please don't cry.
All right, Lorraine.
Go ahead, cry.
Yeah.
Yes, l I know the movie, Brief Encounter.
What a Lorraine, that's only a movie! I Lorraine? Lorraine? Sir, Lieutenant Commander Cornfield is standing by on the Essex.
- We're ready to start the ceremony.
- Ceremony? Yeah.
TheJacobson kid, Sang Min? - Go ahead, Radar.
Whatever.
- Yes, sir.
It's clean, sir.
[Crying.]
Oh, Lorraine.
Orthodontist! Testing.
One, two, three, four.
Testing.
Mea culpa.
Mea culpa.
Have you got the chair, Father? Oh, right.
They're ready on board the Essex.
You ready to perform? # Mi-mi-mi-mi # Ready.
- What's the chair for? - For the standby father.
Will you sit on it? And keep your hands on the baby.
- Sit down.
It lets you use your best part.
- Bring in the child.
[Radar Bleeping Morse Code.]
Uh, Father, the first thing to say is "Repeat after me.
May he who comest be blessed.
" [Mulcahy.]
Repeat after me.
May he who comest be blessed.
- [All Together.]
May he who comest be blessed.
- Go ahead, Radar.
"Happy is he whom thou choosest and bringest, uh, nigh.
" "Happy is he whom thou choosest and bringest nigh that he may dwell in thy courts.
" I warned you.
This is elective surgery.
I'm taking pictures.
- F-28.
It's dark in here.
- Right.
Frank, have you been sniffing medical samples again? [Radar Bleeping.]
Uh [Speaking Hebrew.]
[Repeats In Hebrew.]
[Continues In Hebrew.]
[Hebrew.]
[Radar Bleeping.]
[Hebrew.]
[Repeats In Hebrew.]
[Radar Bleeping.]
Uh, now, Father, you put a drop of wine in the baby's mouth.
A drop of wine in the baby's mouth.
God of our fathers, preserve this child and let his name be called in Israel Sang Min, son of Walter R.
Let us rejoice.
[Radar Bleeping, Signal Fading.]
They're fading, Father.
Wait a minute.
I've lost the Essex.
We've lost them, and I don't think we're finished.
[Speaking In Hebrew.]
[Hebrew.]
Everybody.
- Amen.
- [Together.]
Amen.
- Shall I diaper, Doctor? - Yes, and then the baby.
Shall we head for the sponge cake? - You did good work, Doctor.
- When did I not? - Hey.
- What? I think I know where the face of the tenth president is.
Aha! Got it! Got every bit of it on film.
Really? Let's see.
- Hey, he's right.
- Ahh.
I had my eyes closed there.
- The baby's cute.
- Did you have to pull it out in this room? - Couldn't you wait until we got to the tent? - [Indistinct Chattering.]
[Indistinct Chattering.]
When I saw the little mother holding that child she was the happiest person I'd seen in my life.
I thought perhaps my sister should have a chance at that.
So if she must, she'll have my blessing.
- ##[Horah.]
- [Cheering.]
Come on.
We gotta practice for our pony.