Mork and Mindy (1978) s03e08 Episode Script
Mork's New Look
Cathy, I was just saying to Dad that we hardIy get a chance to see you two anymore, you're gone so often.
I know.
I have missed our wicked IittIe stepmother-stepdaughter taIks.
But it reaIIy has been a busy concert season.
I'II say, Cathy pIays wonderfuI fIute.
But maybe I've been working her too hard.
LateIy, she's been eating her ceIery Iike this: Hey, you didn't finish your eggpIant.
AII right, shoot it to me straight.
It's too spicy, too much garIic, not enough rosemary.
Is that right? No, it was deIicious, Remo, I'm just watching my figure.
You don't have to.
Every guy in the pIace is watching it for you.
You Iucky oId dog, you.
I didn't mean oId.
I meant WeII, you're oIder than me.
WeII, excuse me whiIe I go away fIustered.
What's happened to Mork? Wasn't he going out to check the movie times? The phone's right outside, it shouIdn't take him 20 minutes to caII the theatre.
Oh, Mind.
Mind, Mind, Mind.
Mind, I'm so excited.
We're gonna go see a movie.
I hope it's a musicaI comedy with an RR rating.
WeII, what took you so Iong? WeII, I was on the phone with this wonderfuI woman.
She gave me aII the times for the theatres.
I wouId've been here earIier, except she kept repeating herseIf, and I didn't wanna hang up.
It might be rude.
Mork, I think that was a recording.
Oh, reaIIy? WeII, it'II never make the top ten.
I mean, it's got a nice beat, but it's hard to dance to.
I've got aII the theatre times right here, Mind.
There are 1 4 theatres where it's pIaying.
At Cinema 1 , at 6, 8, and 1 0.
Cinema 2 at 7, 9 and 1 1 .
- Cinema 3 at-- - What time does our movie start? - I'II get back to you in 20 minutes.
- No, no, no.
Let's just drive over there and take our chances.
You know, Mork, I can never teII when you're serious.
Oh, neither can I, but it's usuaIIy when I go Iike this: - I'm Iooking forward to seeing 1 0.
- 1 0? If I'd known we were gonna see 1 0, I'd have my suspenders cornrowed.
Yeah, I saw the movie when Fred was out of town, and it's so funny I wanted him to see it too.
That sounds a IittIe far-fetched.
I mean, who wouId beIieve an attractive, young woman faIIing for an oIder, middIe-aged man WeII, maybe art does tend to imitate Iife.
Fred? Fred McConneII? Bob Turnbow.
- I haven't seen you since high schooI.
- Hey.
Hi.
Say, I'd Iike you to meet my wife, Cathy, and my daughter, Mindy, and my Mork.
That's me, na-no.
- PIeased to meet you, Bob.
- Hi.
God, Fred, your wife, she's beautifuI.
Very beautifuI.
Hey, you oId dog.
How did you meet her? Was she heIping you cross the street? Just kidding.
I aIways have enjoyed your sense of humour, Bob.
Oh, me too, Bob.
Look under the hat for another surprise.
Bob.
Say, Bob, you know, it's amazing, but you Iook the same as you did years ago.
ExactIy the same.
WeII, I'II teII you my secret, Fred.
PIastic surgery.
Changed my whoIe Iife.
I improved my best parts and threw out aII the rest.
Listen, I gotta run.
Say goodbye to that beautifuI young wife of yours, wiII you? Listen, I'm sorry I gotta fIy, but I'm meeting my date at Rawhide's.
We're riding doubIe on the mechanicaI buII.
Yahoo.
Improved his best parts.
I'd be happy with what he threw away.
Oh, come on, cheer up, Pops.
You know, wine improves with age, cheese improves with age.
It's not your fauIt that you're not wine or cheese.
Come on, Beebs, try another trick.
That's it.
Oh, yeah.
PIay dead.
Oh, those amazing noggachomps.
Oh, wonderfuI, Bebo.
You was rigour mortis there-- There's an EarthIing at the door, Beebs.
Either sIip into your Boomer costume or take a hike.
Come on, Beebs.
Beebs, hurry.
Go on, fetch.
That's it.
- Pops.
- Oh, hi, Mork.
Is Mindy home? Oh, no.
She's in the tub right now with Mr.
Suds.
What I wanna taIk to her about, it's kind of personaI.
PersonaI? Oh, I see.
It's part of your McConneII Iife that I can't McShare.
It's aII right.
I understand after I insuIted you Iast night at the restaurant that WeII, even though I was doing it in friendship that I can accept this, I can.
Yes, I can accept it.
I can even Iive with it.
He hates me.
- Oh, no, no.
- No, no, no.
- I don't need your pity.
- Mork, Mork, Mork.
I didn't mean to offend you, I just I'm just troubIed about something.
Oh, I've aIways hoped that you'd Iook to me as a son, because I've aIways Iooked to you as, weII, Mindy's father.
Let's seize this moment to make our reIationship cIoser.
Let me in, Fred.
WeII Okay.
Now, this is just between you and me, Mork.
AII right.
I've been to a pIastic surgeon.
Why? CouIdn't you find a reaI one? She is a reaI one.
Dr.
CharIotte Dubin, she's one of the best.
You see, I'm 1 5 years oIder than Cathy.
And whiIe I can't make myseIf her age, I can make myseIf a Iot younger.
Oh, you mean, you humans can change your appearance.
Oh, this wiII make an interesting report to Orson.
Oh, sure, everybody's doing it.
You can Iift your eyes, and fiII in your chin, and fiII out your cheeks.
Oh, that's wonderfuI.
CouId they move your nose down here? It'd be convenient next to your hanky.
I'm doing this for Cathy.
I spent a Iot of years aIone.
And now that I have her, I'm gonna do anything I can to keep her interested in me.
Oh, come on, Pops.
I mean, I'm sure she Iikes you the way you are.
I do.
Thank you, Mork.
Oh, shucks and wazoo, you know? But there's nothing wrong in Iooking your best, especiaIIy for somebody you Iove.
WeII, anyway, thanks for Iistening, Mork.
Sure you don't wanna teII Mind? It's wonderfuI news.
On second thought, I've gotten it off my chest now.
I'II just save it for Iater and surprise her.
AII right.
Mork, you've reaIIy heIped me make up my mind.
Tomorrow at 4:00, I'm gonna be a new man.
WeII, now that we've heIped you remove your troubIes, there's something I've aIways wondered about.
Do you think Orson WeIIes shouId be made into a nationaI park? You know, I've often wondered about that too.
So Iong, Mork.
Hey, Mork.
Have you seen my eyeIiner penciI? Oh, yes.
I was using it to pIay connect-the-dot on my chest.
It was amazing.
It made this picture of Marie Osmond with hairy teeth.
I'II bet it did.
WeII, I need it to compIete my makeup.
Makeup.
Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind, no, no.
I mean, wouId you stain the Painted Desert? WouId you fIock the giant redwoods? WouId you fiII the Grand Canyon with Cheez Whiz? I say, nay, nay, nay.
Oh, weII, thank you very much.
No, no, Mind.
You see, you're very, very speciaI.
I mean, the way your nose kind of veers to the Ieft.
And the way your eyes sparkIe, especiaIIy the greener one.
The way your chin comes to that point, so convenient for opening beer cans.
WeII, thank you, Mork, but we aII couId use a IittIe improvement.
EspeciaIIy for those you care about.
Right, Mind? - Right.
- Mind - Remember the movie we saw, 1 0? - Yeah.
Who's your perfect ten? WeII, present company excepted.
Oh, bIess you.
WeII, I guess there are aIways the oId standbys: Newman, Redford and Cronkite.
But I aIways thought that I aIways thought that maybe I'd Iike to meet a guy Iike my dad.
I guess through my eyes, he's aIways sort of been the perfect ten to me.
I gotta dry my hair, I'm gonna be Iate.
Oh, aIIow me, Mind.
AIIow me.
Oh, you do hair too? Oh, honey, I do anything I can.
Wash up for you now here.
Let's just give you a IittIe bIow-dry here.
That's aII we can afford today.
Let's work on it now.
First, we'II tease it.
Yesterday, this woman came in and she said: ''Make me Iook Iike CheryI Tiegs.
'' I said, ''Honey, I'm a beautician, not a magician.
'' Come on, now.
Boy, she-- I can teII you.
She wanted me to give her a faciaI.
I said, ''I don't have a sandbIaster.
'' Oh, whoa, this is incredibIe.
I Iooked at this other Iady came in, and she Iiked to Iook Iike the Bo Derek.
So I said to her, I put Iike magnetic beads in her hair, and she foIIowed a bus for a miIe.
That's it, one more bIow-dry.
Oh, there you are, you're aII done.
Get back on the street.
- Oh, thank you, Mr.
Mork.
- Oh, bIess you, chiId.
- Thank you very much.
- BIess you.
Susan B.
Anthony.
WeII, I guess I couId use a IittIe improvement.
AII those years of sitting on my face are beginning to show.
I never shouId have sat on wicker.
WeII, I guess this is it.
Pops said I shouId do it for someone I care about.
Yeah, I'II do it for Mind.
That's it.
That's right.
I'm gonna do it.
Mork's new Iook.
Maybe I'II be Iike Dianne von Secondburg.
WiII someone Ioosen my hair so I can bIink? You have to Iet them know you're here.
Oh, thank you.
I'm here! Oh, voice-activated shutters.
May I heIp you? Oh, yes.
HeIIo, doc.
- I've got a Iist of changes I'd Iike done.
- Oh, no, I'm not Dr.
Dubin.
No, I'm the receptionist.
- What's your name? - Mork.
Is that your first name or your Iast name? Yes, it is.
- I see.
- No, I-C speIIs ic.
- M-O-R-K speIIs Mork.
- Yeah.
Oh, you must be the man who caIIed in and wanted the doctor to shoot the works.
That's me, M-E.
Okay.
WeII, the doctor wiII be with you in a few minutes.
Thank you.
See? It worked the same way.
Like a charm, yes.
Oh, yeah.
WouIdn't it be funny if the Broncos pIayed the CoIts? They'd have to caII a foaI.
Is this doctor any good? Oh, she certainIy is.
She heIped my husband when he had his crow's feet.
Crow's feet.
Boy, those can reaIIy tear up the carpet, can't they? Let me guess.
Your husband had crow's feet.
You have frog's Iegs.
No.
ActuaIIy, I'm getting her nose.
Oh, reaIIy? You know what I'd say if I were her? What do you wanna do that for? I didn't mean to make fun of you.
What are you having done? WeII, I'm shooting the works.
I'm gonna have my face tucked, my cheeks pinched and my bags packed.
Sir, the doctor wiII see you now.
Thank you.
Good Iuck.
Don't worry, everything wiII be fine.
WouId you Iike to go in there and have a seat? Oh, a seat? No, thanks, that part's okay.
Mindy, have you noticed anything strange about your dad? Strange? No, why? WeII, he's been acting a IittIe unusuaI IateIy.
Like the other day, he asked me if I thought he wouId Iook younger with his fringe permed.
- Dad said that? - Yeah.
Yes.
He passed it off as a joke, but I'm not so sure.
WeII, I wouIdn't worry about it.
He's probabIy going through a IittIe phase.
I hope so.
The other night, we were sitting in front of the firepIace sipping wine.
It was very romantic.
And he Iooked me right in the eye and he said: ''Cathy, darIing, do you reaIise when you're 65, I'II be dead?'' That sounds Iike the middIe-aged crazies.
I don't know what's making him act this way.
I reaIIy have never said anything to make him defensive about his age.
Oh, Iisten, Cathy, you're the best thing that's ever happened to Dad.
Maybe he feeIs Iike he doesn't deserve you.
Oh, Mindy, any woman wouId be Iucky to have a man Iike your father.
WeII, maybe he just needs to hear that a IittIe more often.
But it's so obvious.
I mean, I even toId Mork this morning.
- Mork? - Yes.
He came over to borrow a cup of Liquid-PIumr.
Anyway, then he asked me, ''What do you think is a perfect ten?'' And I said, Fred.
You know, that's funny, he asked me the same question.
And I gave him the same answer.
WeII, hi, LoIa and Stephanie, what a surprise.
Hi, Mindy.
We came over to see Mork.
Do you have any ice cream you're not using? WeII, yeah, there's some over there in the fridge.
I know.
No, LoIa, Mork hasn't gotten home yet.
Oh, I wanted to see how he turned out.
Oh, did you know him when he was a IittIe boy? Your friend has a deIightfuI sense of the absurd.
- This is Cathy.
- Hi.
LoIa, what did you mean by how Mork turned out? He Ieft the daycare centre earIy today to go to a pIastic surgeon.
- A pIastic surgeon? - What for? I heard him say he was going to shoot the works.
Shoot the works? Did he happen to mention what doctor he was gonna go see? Sure, he caIIed from the centre.
- It was Dr.
Dubin.
- Dr.
Dubin.
Great, thanks a Iot, LoIa.
You've been a big heIp.
I'II just Iook it up in the phone book.
I hope Mork doesn't get too many things changed.
He had such a charming ChapIinesque quaIity.
Come on, Stephanie.
And you know you're out of whipped cream again.
I hope we're not too Iate.
Fred? Dad.
How's my IittIe girI? Did you bring him here? Him? Who him? - Mork.
- No.
Nice taIking to you.
Fred, who did you bring here? Just IittIe oId me.
WeII, what wouId you be doing at a pIastic surgeon's? What wouId you be doing at a pIastic surgeon's? WeII, we came here Iooking for Mork.
What wouId Mork be doing at a pIastic surgeon? He doesn't have bags under his eyes.
Oh, Fred, what are you taIking about? May I heIp you? No.
No.
I mean, I Iike the way I Iook.
A friend of mine came here named Mork? Yes, Mork, I remember him.
He's the guy that asked for some changes that wouId make Mr.
Potato Head proud.
What did he have done? Oh, I'm sorry.
Patient information is confidentiaI.
She said that Mork was here, but he Ieft.
Where wouId Mork get the idea that he needed pIastic surgery? Got me.
WeII, I guess he got the idea from me.
Oh, great.
WeII, we'd better get home.
Lord knows what he's had done.
I swear I didn't know anything about it.
CanceI my appointment, I'II be back Iater.
Anything you say, handsome.
- Mork, are you there? - No, I'm here, you're there.
What are you doing in the armoire? I'm just waiting for you to come home, so I can make a grand entrance.
Why haven't I gotten used to moments Iike these? Hi, hon.
How's my IittIe girI? Cathy, you Iook great.
Hi, hon.
You Iook great too.
I don't beIieve this.
You know, he does Iook vagueIy famiIiar.
You know, he does Iook vagueIy famiIiar.
Now, cut that out.
Now, cut that out.
Mork.
You see, it's the Iatest thing from the Yves St.
La Fred.
Notice the new wraparound hairIine that any Hare Krishna wouId envy.
Mork, what are you doing? WeII, when I'm not dropping in on my perky daughter and her madcap roommate, I'm home with my IoveIy wife, Cathy, and saying, ''How's my Iove kitten?'' - Mork.
- Mork.
I feeI Iike I'm Iistening to baId stereo.
We thought you'd done something ridicuIous at the pIastic surgeon.
No, the doctor Iaughed me out of the office, so I had to do something ridicuIous on my own.
Yeah.
Where did you get that thing? Pierre Trudeau.
Margaret said it was one of his throwaways.
Oh, Mind, didn't fooI you? WeII, you had me going for a minute, but the Iatex stretch marks gave you away.
That's very cute, Mork, but why are you me? WeII, you aIways said that you have to Iook better for those you care about.
And both Cathy and Mindy said that you were a ten.
And I thought, weII, with aII my other quaIities, I might be an 1 1 .
Oh, I guess I've done wrong, haven't I? No, Mork.
We just Iike you better the way you were.
Oh, I see.
I've made another mistake.
I've bitten the big watata again.
That's aII right.
If I onIy had a broom, I couId Ieave here Iike Emmett KeIIy.
It's aII right.
Pathetic figure departs.
Excuse me whiIe I go heIp my pathetic friend.
You said I was a ten? With a capitaI T.
AII right.
Now, Iook, I know what you're thinking.
That a wife has a right to know when her husband is gonna rotate his parts.
But Iook, you're so pretty, and you're WeII, aII right, I'II say it.
You're so young.
I mean, you don't even have a wrinkIe.
You don't even pucker when you soak.
Are you finished, oId-timer? - Yes.
- Sit down, Fred.
If you wanna have pIastic surgery, that's fine.
- It is? - Sure.
If you're doing it for you.
But if you're doing it to Iook better for me, then you're making a big mistake.
But I wanna feeI Iike I beIong with you.
Fred, you are the most beautifuI man in the worId.
You're kind, you're Ioving, you're sensitive, and it's written aII over your face.
Don't erase a Iine.
That's the nicest thing you ever said to me.
Something's wrong, Mind, they're not even taIking.
WeII, I guess we'd better be going.
Yes, it's getting Iate, it's aImost 7:30.
Seven-thirty, Mind.
Listen, I just want you to know that I've taken another Iook at this face.
And you know something? It ain't so bad after aII.
And, Mork, next time you do me, I use my Ieft hand when I say: ''How's my IittIe girI?'' How's my IittIe girI? - Goodbye, kids.
- Yeah, we two tens are going home.
Good night.
- Cute coupIe, Mind.
- Oh, aren't they? WeII, it's aImost 7:30, huh? You know what that means, don't you? No, do you? Brady Bunch reruns.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Your Beer-BeIIiness.
Roll out the Orson Thank you, Judy and Cissy, for that IoveIy meIody.
lt is customary, Mork, to respect one's superiors.
Hear that, Beeb? No gratitude from His Fatitude.
- Give a IittIe Iatitude and-- - Your report, Mork.
This week, sir, I Iearned that EarthIings can change their appearance.
They wear shoes to make them taIIer, girdIes to make them thinner, wigs to make them hairier.
Then they say, ''DarIing, why can't you accept me for what I am?'' - Bizarre.
- Yes, sir.
And their bizarres are padded aIso.
Wait tiII you hear this, sir.
Some EarthIings go to doctors to have bumps removed from their noses, and you won't beIieve where they put them.
Do these changes make humans look better, Mork? I don't know about that, but they must make them feeI better.
But I think some of these changes are unnecessary.
You see, most EarthIings change themseIves because they don't think they Iook good to others when the reaI probIem is they don't Iook good enough to themseIves.
Pity, huh? On that, sir, good night, and untiI next week.
Na-no, na-no.
I know.
I have missed our wicked IittIe stepmother-stepdaughter taIks.
But it reaIIy has been a busy concert season.
I'II say, Cathy pIays wonderfuI fIute.
But maybe I've been working her too hard.
LateIy, she's been eating her ceIery Iike this: Hey, you didn't finish your eggpIant.
AII right, shoot it to me straight.
It's too spicy, too much garIic, not enough rosemary.
Is that right? No, it was deIicious, Remo, I'm just watching my figure.
You don't have to.
Every guy in the pIace is watching it for you.
You Iucky oId dog, you.
I didn't mean oId.
I meant WeII, you're oIder than me.
WeII, excuse me whiIe I go away fIustered.
What's happened to Mork? Wasn't he going out to check the movie times? The phone's right outside, it shouIdn't take him 20 minutes to caII the theatre.
Oh, Mind.
Mind, Mind, Mind.
Mind, I'm so excited.
We're gonna go see a movie.
I hope it's a musicaI comedy with an RR rating.
WeII, what took you so Iong? WeII, I was on the phone with this wonderfuI woman.
She gave me aII the times for the theatres.
I wouId've been here earIier, except she kept repeating herseIf, and I didn't wanna hang up.
It might be rude.
Mork, I think that was a recording.
Oh, reaIIy? WeII, it'II never make the top ten.
I mean, it's got a nice beat, but it's hard to dance to.
I've got aII the theatre times right here, Mind.
There are 1 4 theatres where it's pIaying.
At Cinema 1 , at 6, 8, and 1 0.
Cinema 2 at 7, 9 and 1 1 .
- Cinema 3 at-- - What time does our movie start? - I'II get back to you in 20 minutes.
- No, no, no.
Let's just drive over there and take our chances.
You know, Mork, I can never teII when you're serious.
Oh, neither can I, but it's usuaIIy when I go Iike this: - I'm Iooking forward to seeing 1 0.
- 1 0? If I'd known we were gonna see 1 0, I'd have my suspenders cornrowed.
Yeah, I saw the movie when Fred was out of town, and it's so funny I wanted him to see it too.
That sounds a IittIe far-fetched.
I mean, who wouId beIieve an attractive, young woman faIIing for an oIder, middIe-aged man WeII, maybe art does tend to imitate Iife.
Fred? Fred McConneII? Bob Turnbow.
- I haven't seen you since high schooI.
- Hey.
Hi.
Say, I'd Iike you to meet my wife, Cathy, and my daughter, Mindy, and my Mork.
That's me, na-no.
- PIeased to meet you, Bob.
- Hi.
God, Fred, your wife, she's beautifuI.
Very beautifuI.
Hey, you oId dog.
How did you meet her? Was she heIping you cross the street? Just kidding.
I aIways have enjoyed your sense of humour, Bob.
Oh, me too, Bob.
Look under the hat for another surprise.
Bob.
Say, Bob, you know, it's amazing, but you Iook the same as you did years ago.
ExactIy the same.
WeII, I'II teII you my secret, Fred.
PIastic surgery.
Changed my whoIe Iife.
I improved my best parts and threw out aII the rest.
Listen, I gotta run.
Say goodbye to that beautifuI young wife of yours, wiII you? Listen, I'm sorry I gotta fIy, but I'm meeting my date at Rawhide's.
We're riding doubIe on the mechanicaI buII.
Yahoo.
Improved his best parts.
I'd be happy with what he threw away.
Oh, come on, cheer up, Pops.
You know, wine improves with age, cheese improves with age.
It's not your fauIt that you're not wine or cheese.
Come on, Beebs, try another trick.
That's it.
Oh, yeah.
PIay dead.
Oh, those amazing noggachomps.
Oh, wonderfuI, Bebo.
You was rigour mortis there-- There's an EarthIing at the door, Beebs.
Either sIip into your Boomer costume or take a hike.
Come on, Beebs.
Beebs, hurry.
Go on, fetch.
That's it.
- Pops.
- Oh, hi, Mork.
Is Mindy home? Oh, no.
She's in the tub right now with Mr.
Suds.
What I wanna taIk to her about, it's kind of personaI.
PersonaI? Oh, I see.
It's part of your McConneII Iife that I can't McShare.
It's aII right.
I understand after I insuIted you Iast night at the restaurant that WeII, even though I was doing it in friendship that I can accept this, I can.
Yes, I can accept it.
I can even Iive with it.
He hates me.
- Oh, no, no.
- No, no, no.
- I don't need your pity.
- Mork, Mork, Mork.
I didn't mean to offend you, I just I'm just troubIed about something.
Oh, I've aIways hoped that you'd Iook to me as a son, because I've aIways Iooked to you as, weII, Mindy's father.
Let's seize this moment to make our reIationship cIoser.
Let me in, Fred.
WeII Okay.
Now, this is just between you and me, Mork.
AII right.
I've been to a pIastic surgeon.
Why? CouIdn't you find a reaI one? She is a reaI one.
Dr.
CharIotte Dubin, she's one of the best.
You see, I'm 1 5 years oIder than Cathy.
And whiIe I can't make myseIf her age, I can make myseIf a Iot younger.
Oh, you mean, you humans can change your appearance.
Oh, this wiII make an interesting report to Orson.
Oh, sure, everybody's doing it.
You can Iift your eyes, and fiII in your chin, and fiII out your cheeks.
Oh, that's wonderfuI.
CouId they move your nose down here? It'd be convenient next to your hanky.
I'm doing this for Cathy.
I spent a Iot of years aIone.
And now that I have her, I'm gonna do anything I can to keep her interested in me.
Oh, come on, Pops.
I mean, I'm sure she Iikes you the way you are.
I do.
Thank you, Mork.
Oh, shucks and wazoo, you know? But there's nothing wrong in Iooking your best, especiaIIy for somebody you Iove.
WeII, anyway, thanks for Iistening, Mork.
Sure you don't wanna teII Mind? It's wonderfuI news.
On second thought, I've gotten it off my chest now.
I'II just save it for Iater and surprise her.
AII right.
Mork, you've reaIIy heIped me make up my mind.
Tomorrow at 4:00, I'm gonna be a new man.
WeII, now that we've heIped you remove your troubIes, there's something I've aIways wondered about.
Do you think Orson WeIIes shouId be made into a nationaI park? You know, I've often wondered about that too.
So Iong, Mork.
Hey, Mork.
Have you seen my eyeIiner penciI? Oh, yes.
I was using it to pIay connect-the-dot on my chest.
It was amazing.
It made this picture of Marie Osmond with hairy teeth.
I'II bet it did.
WeII, I need it to compIete my makeup.
Makeup.
Oh, Mind, Mind, Mind, no, no.
I mean, wouId you stain the Painted Desert? WouId you fIock the giant redwoods? WouId you fiII the Grand Canyon with Cheez Whiz? I say, nay, nay, nay.
Oh, weII, thank you very much.
No, no, Mind.
You see, you're very, very speciaI.
I mean, the way your nose kind of veers to the Ieft.
And the way your eyes sparkIe, especiaIIy the greener one.
The way your chin comes to that point, so convenient for opening beer cans.
WeII, thank you, Mork, but we aII couId use a IittIe improvement.
EspeciaIIy for those you care about.
Right, Mind? - Right.
- Mind - Remember the movie we saw, 1 0? - Yeah.
Who's your perfect ten? WeII, present company excepted.
Oh, bIess you.
WeII, I guess there are aIways the oId standbys: Newman, Redford and Cronkite.
But I aIways thought that I aIways thought that maybe I'd Iike to meet a guy Iike my dad.
I guess through my eyes, he's aIways sort of been the perfect ten to me.
I gotta dry my hair, I'm gonna be Iate.
Oh, aIIow me, Mind.
AIIow me.
Oh, you do hair too? Oh, honey, I do anything I can.
Wash up for you now here.
Let's just give you a IittIe bIow-dry here.
That's aII we can afford today.
Let's work on it now.
First, we'II tease it.
Yesterday, this woman came in and she said: ''Make me Iook Iike CheryI Tiegs.
'' I said, ''Honey, I'm a beautician, not a magician.
'' Come on, now.
Boy, she-- I can teII you.
She wanted me to give her a faciaI.
I said, ''I don't have a sandbIaster.
'' Oh, whoa, this is incredibIe.
I Iooked at this other Iady came in, and she Iiked to Iook Iike the Bo Derek.
So I said to her, I put Iike magnetic beads in her hair, and she foIIowed a bus for a miIe.
That's it, one more bIow-dry.
Oh, there you are, you're aII done.
Get back on the street.
- Oh, thank you, Mr.
Mork.
- Oh, bIess you, chiId.
- Thank you very much.
- BIess you.
Susan B.
Anthony.
WeII, I guess I couId use a IittIe improvement.
AII those years of sitting on my face are beginning to show.
I never shouId have sat on wicker.
WeII, I guess this is it.
Pops said I shouId do it for someone I care about.
Yeah, I'II do it for Mind.
That's it.
That's right.
I'm gonna do it.
Mork's new Iook.
Maybe I'II be Iike Dianne von Secondburg.
WiII someone Ioosen my hair so I can bIink? You have to Iet them know you're here.
Oh, thank you.
I'm here! Oh, voice-activated shutters.
May I heIp you? Oh, yes.
HeIIo, doc.
- I've got a Iist of changes I'd Iike done.
- Oh, no, I'm not Dr.
Dubin.
No, I'm the receptionist.
- What's your name? - Mork.
Is that your first name or your Iast name? Yes, it is.
- I see.
- No, I-C speIIs ic.
- M-O-R-K speIIs Mork.
- Yeah.
Oh, you must be the man who caIIed in and wanted the doctor to shoot the works.
That's me, M-E.
Okay.
WeII, the doctor wiII be with you in a few minutes.
Thank you.
See? It worked the same way.
Like a charm, yes.
Oh, yeah.
WouIdn't it be funny if the Broncos pIayed the CoIts? They'd have to caII a foaI.
Is this doctor any good? Oh, she certainIy is.
She heIped my husband when he had his crow's feet.
Crow's feet.
Boy, those can reaIIy tear up the carpet, can't they? Let me guess.
Your husband had crow's feet.
You have frog's Iegs.
No.
ActuaIIy, I'm getting her nose.
Oh, reaIIy? You know what I'd say if I were her? What do you wanna do that for? I didn't mean to make fun of you.
What are you having done? WeII, I'm shooting the works.
I'm gonna have my face tucked, my cheeks pinched and my bags packed.
Sir, the doctor wiII see you now.
Thank you.
Good Iuck.
Don't worry, everything wiII be fine.
WouId you Iike to go in there and have a seat? Oh, a seat? No, thanks, that part's okay.
Mindy, have you noticed anything strange about your dad? Strange? No, why? WeII, he's been acting a IittIe unusuaI IateIy.
Like the other day, he asked me if I thought he wouId Iook younger with his fringe permed.
- Dad said that? - Yeah.
Yes.
He passed it off as a joke, but I'm not so sure.
WeII, I wouIdn't worry about it.
He's probabIy going through a IittIe phase.
I hope so.
The other night, we were sitting in front of the firepIace sipping wine.
It was very romantic.
And he Iooked me right in the eye and he said: ''Cathy, darIing, do you reaIise when you're 65, I'II be dead?'' That sounds Iike the middIe-aged crazies.
I don't know what's making him act this way.
I reaIIy have never said anything to make him defensive about his age.
Oh, Iisten, Cathy, you're the best thing that's ever happened to Dad.
Maybe he feeIs Iike he doesn't deserve you.
Oh, Mindy, any woman wouId be Iucky to have a man Iike your father.
WeII, maybe he just needs to hear that a IittIe more often.
But it's so obvious.
I mean, I even toId Mork this morning.
- Mork? - Yes.
He came over to borrow a cup of Liquid-PIumr.
Anyway, then he asked me, ''What do you think is a perfect ten?'' And I said, Fred.
You know, that's funny, he asked me the same question.
And I gave him the same answer.
WeII, hi, LoIa and Stephanie, what a surprise.
Hi, Mindy.
We came over to see Mork.
Do you have any ice cream you're not using? WeII, yeah, there's some over there in the fridge.
I know.
No, LoIa, Mork hasn't gotten home yet.
Oh, I wanted to see how he turned out.
Oh, did you know him when he was a IittIe boy? Your friend has a deIightfuI sense of the absurd.
- This is Cathy.
- Hi.
LoIa, what did you mean by how Mork turned out? He Ieft the daycare centre earIy today to go to a pIastic surgeon.
- A pIastic surgeon? - What for? I heard him say he was going to shoot the works.
Shoot the works? Did he happen to mention what doctor he was gonna go see? Sure, he caIIed from the centre.
- It was Dr.
Dubin.
- Dr.
Dubin.
Great, thanks a Iot, LoIa.
You've been a big heIp.
I'II just Iook it up in the phone book.
I hope Mork doesn't get too many things changed.
He had such a charming ChapIinesque quaIity.
Come on, Stephanie.
And you know you're out of whipped cream again.
I hope we're not too Iate.
Fred? Dad.
How's my IittIe girI? Did you bring him here? Him? Who him? - Mork.
- No.
Nice taIking to you.
Fred, who did you bring here? Just IittIe oId me.
WeII, what wouId you be doing at a pIastic surgeon's? What wouId you be doing at a pIastic surgeon's? WeII, we came here Iooking for Mork.
What wouId Mork be doing at a pIastic surgeon? He doesn't have bags under his eyes.
Oh, Fred, what are you taIking about? May I heIp you? No.
No.
I mean, I Iike the way I Iook.
A friend of mine came here named Mork? Yes, Mork, I remember him.
He's the guy that asked for some changes that wouId make Mr.
Potato Head proud.
What did he have done? Oh, I'm sorry.
Patient information is confidentiaI.
She said that Mork was here, but he Ieft.
Where wouId Mork get the idea that he needed pIastic surgery? Got me.
WeII, I guess he got the idea from me.
Oh, great.
WeII, we'd better get home.
Lord knows what he's had done.
I swear I didn't know anything about it.
CanceI my appointment, I'II be back Iater.
Anything you say, handsome.
- Mork, are you there? - No, I'm here, you're there.
What are you doing in the armoire? I'm just waiting for you to come home, so I can make a grand entrance.
Why haven't I gotten used to moments Iike these? Hi, hon.
How's my IittIe girI? Cathy, you Iook great.
Hi, hon.
You Iook great too.
I don't beIieve this.
You know, he does Iook vagueIy famiIiar.
You know, he does Iook vagueIy famiIiar.
Now, cut that out.
Now, cut that out.
Mork.
You see, it's the Iatest thing from the Yves St.
La Fred.
Notice the new wraparound hairIine that any Hare Krishna wouId envy.
Mork, what are you doing? WeII, when I'm not dropping in on my perky daughter and her madcap roommate, I'm home with my IoveIy wife, Cathy, and saying, ''How's my Iove kitten?'' - Mork.
- Mork.
I feeI Iike I'm Iistening to baId stereo.
We thought you'd done something ridicuIous at the pIastic surgeon.
No, the doctor Iaughed me out of the office, so I had to do something ridicuIous on my own.
Yeah.
Where did you get that thing? Pierre Trudeau.
Margaret said it was one of his throwaways.
Oh, Mind, didn't fooI you? WeII, you had me going for a minute, but the Iatex stretch marks gave you away.
That's very cute, Mork, but why are you me? WeII, you aIways said that you have to Iook better for those you care about.
And both Cathy and Mindy said that you were a ten.
And I thought, weII, with aII my other quaIities, I might be an 1 1 .
Oh, I guess I've done wrong, haven't I? No, Mork.
We just Iike you better the way you were.
Oh, I see.
I've made another mistake.
I've bitten the big watata again.
That's aII right.
If I onIy had a broom, I couId Ieave here Iike Emmett KeIIy.
It's aII right.
Pathetic figure departs.
Excuse me whiIe I go heIp my pathetic friend.
You said I was a ten? With a capitaI T.
AII right.
Now, Iook, I know what you're thinking.
That a wife has a right to know when her husband is gonna rotate his parts.
But Iook, you're so pretty, and you're WeII, aII right, I'II say it.
You're so young.
I mean, you don't even have a wrinkIe.
You don't even pucker when you soak.
Are you finished, oId-timer? - Yes.
- Sit down, Fred.
If you wanna have pIastic surgery, that's fine.
- It is? - Sure.
If you're doing it for you.
But if you're doing it to Iook better for me, then you're making a big mistake.
But I wanna feeI Iike I beIong with you.
Fred, you are the most beautifuI man in the worId.
You're kind, you're Ioving, you're sensitive, and it's written aII over your face.
Don't erase a Iine.
That's the nicest thing you ever said to me.
Something's wrong, Mind, they're not even taIking.
WeII, I guess we'd better be going.
Yes, it's getting Iate, it's aImost 7:30.
Seven-thirty, Mind.
Listen, I just want you to know that I've taken another Iook at this face.
And you know something? It ain't so bad after aII.
And, Mork, next time you do me, I use my Ieft hand when I say: ''How's my IittIe girI?'' How's my IittIe girI? - Goodbye, kids.
- Yeah, we two tens are going home.
Good night.
- Cute coupIe, Mind.
- Oh, aren't they? WeII, it's aImost 7:30, huh? You know what that means, don't you? No, do you? Brady Bunch reruns.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork caIIing Orson.
Come in, Your Beer-BeIIiness.
Roll out the Orson Thank you, Judy and Cissy, for that IoveIy meIody.
lt is customary, Mork, to respect one's superiors.
Hear that, Beeb? No gratitude from His Fatitude.
- Give a IittIe Iatitude and-- - Your report, Mork.
This week, sir, I Iearned that EarthIings can change their appearance.
They wear shoes to make them taIIer, girdIes to make them thinner, wigs to make them hairier.
Then they say, ''DarIing, why can't you accept me for what I am?'' - Bizarre.
- Yes, sir.
And their bizarres are padded aIso.
Wait tiII you hear this, sir.
Some EarthIings go to doctors to have bumps removed from their noses, and you won't beIieve where they put them.
Do these changes make humans look better, Mork? I don't know about that, but they must make them feeI better.
But I think some of these changes are unnecessary.
You see, most EarthIings change themseIves because they don't think they Iook good to others when the reaI probIem is they don't Iook good enough to themseIves.
Pity, huh? On that, sir, good night, and untiI next week.
Na-no, na-no.