My Family (2000) s03e08 Episode Script

Come on, Susan.
Shouldn't you be on your way by now? I'm taking Janey leftovers from last night.
Her favourite.
Kipper balls.
Aren't they the reason she left in the first place? - You're saying that so you'll get them.
- No, I'm really not.
It's OK.
Kipper balls don't travel.
Believe me, they travelled well last night.
It'll be great seeing Janey.
We'll do some real bonding, mother and daughter.
Yup.
I'm sure you'll do in two days what you've never managed in 18 years.
- I'll miss your wit.
- It'll be waiting when you come home.
It'll be fun being back at university again.
Protest marches, all-night parties.
- Wild sex.
- What? Just seeing if you're listening.
Do you have any plans? No.
Then you have time for a few jobs.
- See you Sunday, then.
- Scrape the oven, de-grease the hood, get the hair out of the plugs, and a few other things.
- No problem.
If I remember.
- No, no.
No worries.
I've made you a list.
I've broken it up into three colour-coded parts.
Red is kitchen, green is bathroom and brown is waste disposal.
It's not a list, it's a policy statement.
- Will you miss me? - How can I if you don't leave? - OK.
I can take a hint.
- Take the basket and off you go.
I'll get the door for you.
Come on, darling.
Bye-bye.
Have a lovely weekend.
Dad, could you sign something for me? I'm playing golf with Gerald and I'm already late.
- What's funny? - Isn't he the 90-year-old blind guy? He's in town once a year and he's the only bloke I beat, so leave me alone.
- He's not that blind.
- This is important.
I can't be considered for the trip to Greece without your signature.
All right.
Fine, fine.
for you just to enjoy yourself.
- You'd pay if I was gonna be miserable.
- Like a shot.
- Well, I hope Gerald kicks your arse.
- He can't.
He's got arthritis.
I feel like I've spent all night on the bathroom floor with my head wedged.
- Where have you been? - I've just told you.
That was the best party ever.
(Yawns) I'm going to have a little lie down now, though.
I don't know.
Susan doesn't tidy up.
She just hides things.
Ooh! Is it morning? Should I run you down to Casualty? Since you arrived, I'm there so often I'm chipping in for staff birthdays.
You know, when you twist an ankle, it sometimes helps if you twist it back.
- Shall I have a go for you? - No! I've got Brussels.
I'm not afraid to use them.
- That's the pain talking.
- No, you're the pain talking.
- Dad, are you busy? - Yes, Michael.
I'm playing golf.
I'm on the 15th green about to tee off.
Of course I'm not, you twit.
Your dad's touchy.
He hurt his ankle.
He's in no mood to talk right now.
Go away.
Mum said to always get you when you're at your weakest.
Pass the phone.
I want to tell Gerald the game's on.
- Anything for you.
- This ankle's not gonna stop me.
- First, this trip to Greece is important.
- Forget it.
You don't even do Classics.
But Natalie Harrison does.
We visit ruins, go to tavernas.
Swimming.
Topless beaches.
You have more money than I do.
- If you invest it properly.
- Why don't you wait till I'm dead like a normal grasping relative? All right, Dad? Michael.
Where's that little red number? She didn't take it, did she? Ah, yes.
Heh-heh-heh! What the hell are you doing? I'm a female impersonator.
Ah.
Why don't you try impersonating a normal human being? Nah, it's been done.
Pretty good, though, eh? Would you like to feel them? What about you, Michael? You know you're desperate.
You're disgusting, you pervert.
Just keep away.
You are gonna have to pay for that child's therapy.
Not a problem.
I'll be raking it in.
I've got three spots a week at the Cherry Vanilla.
and all the Campari I can drink.
So which is my colour? - How about black and blue? - Oh, you kinky man.
Now.
Where's her jewellery? Oi, you're not nicking her jewellery.
I wouldn't have to if you ever bought me any of my own.
That's why I've always had to depend on the kindness of strangers.
Yeah, I can't wait either.
- (Knock on door) - Yeah, see you tonight, Tom.
Bye.
Mum! - What are you doing here? - You invited me.
I didn't.
I said if you really have to come.
- We agreed.
The 12th.
- Did I? Cos next week would be so much better.
- I thought you were going to Leeds.
- I am.
Oh, that's a pity.
Because I brought your letters.
One feels like a credit card.
Ooh The room looks lovely.
Are these plants supposed to be dead? This isn't a credit card.
It's an appeal from Oxfam.
Oops! God Well, as long as I'm here, where do I sleep? - At home.
- Oh, I've missed our jousting.
Oh Yes.
Gerald Dearden.
Yeah.
We were meant to play golf this morning.
Elderly gentleman.
Thick glasses.
Falls asleep a lot.
Well, wake him and tell him to ring me at home.
So, how are you feeling? Now you're here, worse.
I got you this for your foot.
It'll make you all better.
Aaahh! Oh, my God, that's hot! - That's because it's chicken soup.
- Eh? What? You said it was for my foot.
It is, but only if you eat it.
How am I supposed to bloody eat it now? Oh, you're right.
You need a spoon.
I'll be back in a jiff.
Hello, Dad.
Greece is that way.
If you start walking now, you can catch up with your mates.
I don't think you've given this proper consideration.
Oh, God Michael? Can you see my VPL? I'm not looking.
If I do, I'll go blind.
Dad.
How do I look? Like a drunken sailor's last resort.
Great.
I slave away night and day trying to look pretty for you.
And this is what I get.
Brilliant.
Huh.
Men Nick, who do you think you are, Sharon Stone? I've got nothing to hide.
Oh, yes you have.
And it's winking right at me.
- Ooh.
That looks good.
- No, Nick, leave it.
Nick, the Mmm.
Delicious.
What's in it? Cheese? - Are you still here? - I've got you a video to pass the time.
- What is it? - Misery.
It's a man trapped in a room and tormented until he does what he's told.
Let's go to the bit where he gets his feet smashed for refusing to cooperate.
(Phone rings) Yeah? Gerald, Gerald, yeah Of course it's still on.
Yeah.
Come on.
It's only a friendly no-one's-keeping-score.
Yeah.
See you in the pub for a drink first, yeah? Right.
I'm gonna crush him.
Ha-ha-ha! You're not going anywhere until you cooperate.
- What? - Enjoy the film.
Michael.
Michael, what are you doing? Michael! Come here! Michael, put this door knob back on now.
- Not till you sign.
- You put it on this instant or - Or what? You'll not play golf? - Fine.
Fine.
All right.
- What do you want me to do? - Just sign by the crosses.
Hang on.
I've just signed two cheques.
One's for next time.
I'm not putting myself through this again.
Oh, no.
You've suffered enough.
- Thanks, Dad.
I'm your number one fan.
- Great.
Put the door knob back on, Michael.
Mikey-Mikey-Mikey? You put on the little door knob.
Michael! Look.
You can't stay here.
There's no room.
- That's no problem.
I'll just - Find a hotel? - Use this.
- Parents can't stay in hall.
Tell them I'm your hip sister who's crashing here.
No one can stay.
You need permission from the head of faculty and the dean.
Oh, Janey.
It's not crashing if you have to have permission from the dean.
Besides, this'll just be like old times.
We drink coffee into the small hours, discussing politics, love, philosophy.
- Things have changed.
- They haven't changed that much.
I've packed my lava lamp.
Mum, this is my life, not a '60s weekend at a university theme park.
I've got this essay crisis so I'm going to be working all the time, non-stop.
Rubbish.
It won't take a minute on that laptop.
When I was a student, we had to write everything longhand.
Yes, I know.
With a quill.
That's cool.
You work.
Everything's mellow.
- Thanks, dude.
- You do your thing, I'll do my thing.
Can your thing be somewhere else? (Phone) I can't talk now.
I'm studying.
Why are you laughing? Eight o'clock.
Bye.
- I didn't know you played.
- I don't.
It's a sort of test.
If a guy comes in and starts playing it, I dump him.
If I had a hammer You and me both.
You might have had chill-out time in your day.
We don't.
- Of course you do.
- We're studying to repay student loans.
Student loans? Good.
You're planning to pay us back.
It's just a figure of speech.
You're right, you're right.
This is your scene.
When I was a student, we were trying to change the world.
- It doesn't need changing any more.
- Oh, no.
You're right.
I forgot.
The world is perfect.
If we'd known there'd be a Starbucks on every corner, we could have saved a lot of marching.
Exactly.
OK, OK.
You stay here.
I'll go and grab myself a bite to eat.
Oh.
I'll come with you.
- Stay here.
You have to study.
- I haven't seen you in so long.
Besides, there's this new Pacific Rim place.
It's pricey, but it does fusion stuff.
No, even better.
Let's do the campus canteen.
I'll bring the guitar.
- There you go, Gerald.
- So, you've hurt your ankle.
That gives you a real handicap.
We'll see when we tee off, yeah? - Have I got time to have a drink? - Of course.
Drink as much as you want.
It's only a friendly game.
- What if we double the stakes? - You're taking advantage.
Triple it.
Hello, handsome.
Go away.
No, I mean it.
I've come to apologise for what I did to you in the bedroom.
Whey-hey! Is this your lovely wife, Harper? I don't think we've met before.
- Charmed.
- No, this is not my wife.
Ooh! While the cat's away, the mouse will play.
- Go for it! - Shut up.
It's not what it looks like.
- Won't you buy a drink for the lady? - I will when I see one.
Oh, please, Ben, don't look away.
I'll do anything you want.
Anything.
- Then piss off.
- Harper! Language! It's all right.
I'm used to it.
I miss you, Ben.
Ahhh! And the twins keep asking why Daddy don't come round no more.
- You have twins? - Yes.
- Nick! - That's the boy, and Nickolina.
Don't punish them, Ben.
Punish me.
OK.
Oi! You can't hit a lady like that! It's not her fault she's pug ugly! Pug ugly? This looks ooh interesting.
Where do those bananas come from? - The basket? - Janey, you're at university now.
I know where I am.
You don't have to keep saying "You're at university".
Good point.
When one is at university, every choice one makes is political.
- Can I get to the till, please? - Is that your lunch? - Three carrots? - Today's my birthday.
You have to have more than that.
You're all skin and bones.
You look anorexic.
(Sobs) - What's wrong with her? - She's anorexic.
If she ate something, she wouldn't be so touchy.
- Good afternoon.
- Mmm The minestrone looks delicious.
It's vegetable lasagne.
- And what's that? - Shepherds pie.
- Are the potatoes locally grown? - I hope not.
This is Manchester.
Will you hurry up, please? I'm starving.
I've got a lecture.
Don't feel hassled by bourgeois students whose parents are picking up the bill.
I'm feeling hassled by the pain in the arse in front of me.
Next.
No, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Not next.
I know my rights.
I'll stand here until I'm served properly.
We used to call it passive resistance.
Which is now active annoyance.
Ugly, they called me.
Pug ugly.
I think pugs are cute with their squashed faces and their little black tongues.
I suppose I'm just too damn manly.
No.
Just weird.
I'm never gonna make it at the Cherry Vanilla if I can't even fool three drunks.
Well, I did fool one, but I don't wanna talk about it.
Maybe it's your five o'clock shadow.
No, no.
I shaved all over, believe me.
I've got razor burns on my bikini line.
Ask Dad.
- You need something more heavy duty.
- Like what? A Strimmer? - I know.
Wax.
- You think that'll work? - Yeah, it works all the time.
- Oh, OK.
No, not that kind of wax.
What? Wow! That was so great! - I feel so alive! - Funny, I wish I was dead.
You seem a little tense.
Me? Why would I be tense? I know.
My mother started a food fight in the canteen.
I didn't start it.
But I finished it.
Ooh.
My mum, Dirty Carrie.
So, what's next? Spray-paint the library, egg the dean? A sit-in at the cosmetics factory? There is no way I'm protesting against a company making long-lash mascara.
All right, Janey.
I tried.
If you won't go with me, I'll go on my own.
You will? So I'll have the evening completely free? - To work? - I think I'll go and have a shower first.
- I didn't think hippies washed.
- Ah, I was never hardcore.
Did I tell you about my hip replacement? No, not recently.
- I really think it's improved my game.
- Well, woop-dee-doo.
Mmm Wind's blowing from the left.
- That still won't help your score.
- I have a bad foot.
I haven't had time to replace it yet.
Where have you been hiding that lovely ginger gal of yours? She's not mine and she's not lovely.
Well, I think she's a real smasher.
They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Fortunately for you, you're as blind as a bat.
- Do you mind if I get on with it? - Fine, fine.
- Five quid says you slice it.
- You're on.
- Oh.
Whoops.
- That's one stroke.
- That wasn't even a swing.
- Rules are rules.
You advanced the ball.
- An inch.
- At least it went straight.
Oh, right.
You wanna play that way? Good.
OK.
The gloves are off.
- That's two.
- What? - You improved your lie.
- I didn't slice it.
You owe me five quid.
Take that off what you owe me for the past 12 holes.
(Clears throat) Hard cheese.
That's three strokes.
You'll have to do a hole-in-one to make par.
Just watch this, Gerald.
Try these.
Baby love, oh, baby love I need you, oh, how I need you, love But all you do is treat me bad Break my heart and leave me sad You never close your eyes any more When I kiss your lips And there's no tenderness like before In your fingertips Vindaloo, vindaloo Vindaloo, vindaloo, nah-nah - Great song, that.
- (Husky voice) Yeah, mate.
(Student) I forgot my shampoo.
You got any spare? Only peach and apple blossom.
Cheers.
Who is it in there? - It's Arnie.
- What course are you on, Arnie? Sports Science with Mechanical Engineering and Truck Maintenance.
I've got a big date tonight.
Janey Harper.
Do you know her? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
I know Janey.
Yeah.
Who doesn't, right? What did you say? I had soap in my ear.
- I hear she's really hot.
- That's not what I heard.
She acts like that, but she's really into commitment, husbands, babies.
- And spoiling our fun.
- That's all right.
I can break a thing off.
If her mother doesn't break your thing off first.
- What? - I said Make sure you play her the guitar.
She'll like that.
- Wicked.
Have you got any soap? - Yeah.
Whoops.
Yeah, these first years Aaahhh! - You all right? - (Groans) Oh, my God.
Mum, what's taking you so long? Tom? Mum? What are you doing? I don't think he's right for you.
Well, that was easy.
Now what? - Now we just pull it off.
- Yeah? Ow.
Come on.
One clean yank and it'll peel off like a plaster.
- You've done this before, have you? - Well, not on a face.
Aaaahh! - See? See? We got a whisker.
- The rest of that is skin.
- Don't be such a wuss.
Come on.
- Don't touch me.
OK.
So we've learnt that wax doesn't work.
How am I gonna go out like this? - Chisel it with a nail file? - No.
- Submerge your head in bleach? - No.
I know.
I know.
We just melt it.
Now you're making sense.
(Groans) (Ben yelps) Oh Eurgh So how was your golf game? Did you beat your crumbly friend? Golf isn't about winning or losing.
Besides, I've got a bad foot.
It was dark and he's got a new hip.
- How much did you lose by? - Is that my ice cream? - Hasn't got your name on it.
- Yes, it has.
Ben.
Then I'll just eat Jerry's half.
I think it's at the bottom.
I just have to get to it.
Hi.
Oh, lovely.
Wedge your head behind a toilet again? No.
Nick made me stand in for him at the Cherry Vanilla.
- Oh.
I bet that was a hot ticket.
- So how did we do? Well, let's see.
I went on at nine.
It's now 9:30.
They said I'll never make it as a female impersonator.
I'm not convincing.
I knew it.
Never send a woman to do a man impersonating a woman's job.
Give me back my breasts.
(Ben) Oh, just look at you.
I guess there's never gonna be a successful drag artist in this family.
Or a successful golfer.
- How much did you lose by? - It was a temporary setback.
Me and Gerald have got another match tomorrow and this time I'm really gonna beat him.
Why? Did he die? No.
We're playing squash.
(Crunch) Oh Aaah! You're not right-handed, are you? - Hi.
- Hi.
- How was your trip? - Wonderful.
We had such fun.
I met her ex-boyfriend.
Janey and I just talked and talked.
- Yeah.
I heard.
- What do you mean? I had a phone call from the dean.
Oh, and Janey, and the parents of someone called Tom.
University didn't make me feel young at all.
Just very, very old.
I know, I know.
Truth always hurts.
You were sent home in disgrace.
That's more than you managed as a student.
- Narrow escape.
- Ah-ah-ah.
Careful.
My wrist.
- What happened? - It got hurt when I cleaned the cooker.
- Really? - It's a shame.
I couldn't get through as much housework as I wanted.
Right What happened to my dress? Yeah.
Nick was wearing it when I was trying to strangle him in the pub.
I was a bit tense.
Michael had taken all the door knobs and held me captive.
And then Abi burnt my foot in the soup.
You know, I think I prefer it when you lie.