NewsRadio (1995) s03e08 Episode Script
Movie Star
Yo, yo.
What up? Who want the rock? What's with the ball, Jimmy? Gonna go see the Knicks play a little hoop tonight.
You know, getting a little-- Getting a little loose.
You wanna get that? BETH: Wow, basketball.
Cool.
I didn't know you were into basketball.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not just, uh, basketball.
I'm talking about Knicks basketball.
Matthew.
You mind? Problem is I got two tickets for tonight and nobody to go with.
BETH: Oh, I'll go.
I'm free tonight.
Joe! Think fast.
What do you say? You, me, Knicks, floor seats.
Ah, no, Mr.
James.
I'm, uh, busy tonight.
Tonight's good.
I'm not busy-- Matthew! Actually, I think I have di-- No, the ball, son.
The ball.
See, I don't think either of you would get into the game the way that I do.
I'm kind of asuper fan, you know what I mean? I'd get into it.
No, I'm already into it.
DAVE: Hey, Mr.
James.
Yo, Dave, take it to the hole! [.]
[CAR HORNS HONKING.]
Matthew? Oh, yeah.
BILL: I have an announcement to make.
A friend of mine is visiting today.
You might have heard of my friend visiting today.
His name is James Caan.
You know James Caan? The James Caan? Well, I call him Jimmy, but-- How long have you known him? Who, Jimmy? Yeah.
How long have you known him? I've never actually met him.
But his next movie is going to be about a radio broadcaster, so he's going to be following me around to observe me.
You know, for the role.
Find out what makes Bill McNeal tick.
JOE: Cool.
I don't know if I can handle this.
Do you know what a big James Caan fan I am? Wow, this is like the real life Don Corleone.
No, it isn't.
No, that was Marlon Brando.
Ah, James Caan played Sonny Corleone.
Oh, I've seen that movie so many times, I don't know who's who anymore.
Bill, can I please meet him? No.
You know, I met Abe Vigoda once.
Same movie.
Got his autograph.
Look at that.
"To Donald.
" I know, I-- I got so nervous I forgot my name.
Oh.
"I was not Don Corleone.
Yours, Abe Vigoda.
" Very impressive.
Exactly.
Careful, it-- Oh.
Careful.
Ah.
Well, what's this? Throw-up.
I was so nervous.
That settles it.
You are covering the Oscars.
Really? No.
Dang it.
Bill, you sure I can't meet him? Yeah.
Yeah, he's gonna be very busy studying me.
He doesn't need to be pestered or hounded or thrown up on in any way.
Well, that's asking quite a lot, but I'm sure we'll all do our best.
And, uh, meeting is over.
Come on, Lisa, let's go.
Now? Are you sure we have enough time? It'll only take 20 minutes.
Okay.
What is it? I told you, it's a surprise.
Sorry.
Hi.
BOTH: Hello.
I'm, uh-- Excuse me, I'm looking for a Bill McNeal.
Mr.
Caan.
My father was Mr.
Caan.
Call me Jimmy.
Huh.
Likewise.
I'm sorry, I-I thought your name was Bill.
It is.
Don't worry about it.
Easy mistake to make.
Come right this way.
Matt, I need that Giuliani copy pronto.
Great job on the Gore interview, Nikki.
Like I always say, it's all about legwork.
Hey, big Jake, where's that Pulitzer you're gonna win for me? Ha-ha-ha.
Listen, I'd, uh, like to thank you for letting me check things out here.
And if I get in your way, just let me know.
Will do.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
Now, you're probably wondering: "What makes this Bill McNeal tick?" Well, it all started with a dream.
A dream of a kid from a-- Excuse me.
Uh, actually, um, I'm only interested in the technical details.
Technical details.
Yeah, like, uhwhat kind of headphones you wear, how you wear them, that kind of thing, you know? Right.
Like what makes a guy like me tick.
Where to start.
Where to start.
Well, uh how about headphones? As a broadcaster I probably seem confident and in control.
But inside? The private me? There's pain.
Oh, yeah.
And a little fear.
Uh, um I'm-- I'm sorry to hear about that, but, uh sounds like none of my business.
Maybe you can show me into the broadcast booth now? I see.
You start out with the nuts and bolts, and then get into the deep psychological study.
No.
No.
I-I start with the nuts, I move on to the bolts, then I get the hell out of here.
[LAUGHING.]
So, what exactly happens to the broadcaster in your story? Well, I'm not supposed to discuss that, so let's talk headphones.
[COFFEE DRIPPING.]
I understand.
Keeping it under wraps.
[WHISPERING.]
So, what exactly happens to the broadcaster in your story? [WHISPERING.]
I'm not supposed to discuss that, so let's talk headphones.
Hey, pal.
Could I get a cup of that? [CUP BOUNCES ON FLOOR.]
Watch the shoes.
Who's the spaz? DAVE: One second.
Okay.
Uh, now you can open your eyes.
Okay.
[INHALES.]
Hawaii? Oh, Dave.
We're going to Hawaii? No, we're not.
Oh-- What? No, it's the TV I'm gonna-- I'm gonna buy you a TV.
Oh.
Oh.
You know, I-I-I don't think you should buy me a TV.
Oh, I-I know, it's extravagant.
But you're the only one I know that doesn't have a TV.
There's a reason I don't have a TV.
I-I know.
I know.
You hate TV.
Yes.
I-I mean, I-- [SIGHS.]
I know that I sound like a cliché, but I think TV is ruining society.
It's pervasive and insidious, and turns people slowly but surely into morons.
I love this episode.
This is the one where Mr.
Haney's trying to get Arnold Ziffel to eat this newfangled pigslop.
[INDISTINCT VOICE ON TV.]
Soum do you write your own news copy, or do you just read what they give you? The way I look at it, you and I are a lot alike.
You're a Hollywood tough guy, and I'm kind of a New York a.
m.
radio tough guy.
Uh, what-- What are you talking about? Nothing.
Just talking to myself.
Umwhat about the news copy? News copy.
News copy.
Good question.
Very important.
But I gotta warn you, that's not what makes Bill McNeal tick.
Uh, Bill, I don't wanna offend you, but I'm really not interested in what makes you tick.
You know what I'm saying? Um.
Oh.
Hi! [CHUCKLES.]
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER.]
Huh.
Matthew, this is a bad time.
Mr.
Caan, I'm a very big fan.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Um, nice to meet you.
What's your name? I don't know.
Fine.
What can I do for you? You were so great in Thunderball.
Oh, I wasn't-- I wasn't in Thunderball.
You're probably thinking of Rollerball.
Yes, but when I watch Thunderball, I do wish you were in it.
Well, thank you.
I guess.
Thanks.
I'm nervous.
Can I get an autograph? Oh, sure.
Sure thing.
I have-- I have a pen.
Whoops.
Oh.
[EXHALES.]
Hi.
[SHIVERING.]
[HUMMING.]
Excuse me.
What is it that you're doing? I think it's in my pants.
Look, I-- I have a pen here, if you'd like.
I gotta go to the bathroom and take my pants off.
Of course you want a TV.
Look, Dave, when I was in junior high school, I made a conscious decision not to watch TV, so I could concentrate on my grades.
And I haven't looked back since.
All right, Lisa, well, you know what? You got good grades.
You got into a good college.
You graduated.
You got a good job.
It's over.
Let it go.
Live a little.
It's never over, Dave.
Oh, come on.
I'll buy the TV for myself, put it in your apartment, you never have to look at it.
Why don't you just read more? Oh, read what? I don't know.
Like, Anna Karenina.
No, no.
No, thank you.
I missed like a whole semester's worth of Cheers reading Anna Karenina.
Not doing that again.
Well, you should.
I am reading it for the third time.
Really? So you read the same thing over and over again, yet it's me that has the brain that's mush? Y-- No.
Yes.
Every time I read it, I discover something new in the text.
It's-- WOMAN [ON TV.]
: They won't be long.
Dave? You know, there were actually six Arnold the pigs? This one's number three.
Not my favorite.
LISA: That's ridiculous.
DAVE: A lot of smart, intellectual people watch television.
Name one.
Dave Nelson.
Okay, Dave Nelson.
What's the last book you read? Hm? Uh Goober in a Nutshell.
What? Goober in a Nutshell.
It's a book by the guy who played Goober on The Andy Griffith Show.
He had-- he had a very sad life.
Oh, really? It was a compelling read.
Yes.
Your brain has turned to mush.
I can't believe it.
Oh, really? Well, at least it doesn't take an hour and a half to buy me a TV.
An hour and a half.
Yes.
We have wasted an hour and a half in here.
It would've taken 20 minutes if you weren't being snobby.
At least I'm not an anti-intellectual moron.
At least I wasn't a social outcast in junior high because I didn't know the difference between Pinky Tuscadero and Leather Tuscadero.
What? [CHUCKLING.]
Okay, let me help you out.
Oh.
Pinky was Leather's older sister-- I don't wanna hear about Pinky Tuscadoo-doo or any of that-- Tuscadero.
Whatever.
I cannot help you if you will not listen.
JOE: Let the quiz begin.
Winner goes to the Knicks game with Jimmy.
No substitutions.
No penalties.
No time limits.
Beth, pick a card.
Any card.
Okay.
That one.
Okay.
"How many players are there on a professional basketball team?" [SCOFFS.]
Okay.
There's, like, six offense, seven defense, two guys in black and white shirts.
Fifteen? [MAKES BUZZER SOUND.]
Wrong.
Twelve.
But very close.
Ha.
This is going to be easy.
Catherine, pick a card.
Here.
Read this one.
In the 1976-77 season, which Pacific Division player had the highest rebounding average per game? Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Wrong, but very close.
Jabbar had the most rebounds total, but Bill Walton had 14.
4 per game, to lead the league.
Well, don't I get partial credit? No, I'm sorry.
There's no partial credit, baby.
With me it's all or nothing.
Uhthat one.
Name three people who play basketball.
[SCOFFS.]
Michael Jordan.
Rod Man.
What? Andwasn't there some guy who spit on a kid? Be a little more specific.
Was it a loogie? I'm afraid I can't give you that one.
You see, forces of good and evil are constantly at war for my soul.
Yeah.
Yeah, that'll happen.
You know what, let's talk about headphones.
You know, we in the business call them cans.
What's that guy's name again? BILL: They fit over your ears.
Snugly, like this.
But here's the beauty part.
When you're not using them, you can put them around your neck, like this.
That guy's gotta be the strangest son of a bitch I ever saw.
Wilt Chamberlain.
Wilt Chamberlain does indeed hold the NBA record.
With 11,862, thank you very much.
Correct.
But when you add Moses Malone's totals from the ABA to his NBA total of 11,058, he comes out ahead.
Well, wait a minute.
I'm sorry, Catherine.
Joe's right.
My turn.
Okay.
That's it.
This time I'm picking it.
This is ridiculous.
Just read the question, please.
[SIGHS.]
"How many points for a three-point shot?" [LAUGHING.]
Ha, that's so easy.
Okay.
Three times the points you would get for a regular shot.
Can you be a little more specific? Twenty-two.
You gotta wonder what, you know-- What is going on up there? BILL: Who cares? You see someone like that then you just gotta think, what-- What makes this guy tick? I thought you didn't care about what makes people tick.
Huh? Yeah.
Oh, I, uh-- Usually no, but I mean, that's mesmerizing.
BILL: You know why I got into radio in the first place? When I was very young, my favorite uncle was killed by a radio.
Electrocuted or something.
That never happened.
Yeah, but it could have, and if it had-- Excuse me.
Will you? Hey, there.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm Jimmy.
Hi.
[EXHALES.]
Could I, uh-- Could I ask you something? I don't know.
Um What makes you tick? I have cats.
Of course.
Cats.
How many? Three.
I wish.
Actually, only two.
[GIGGLES.]
Hm? Would you mind if I, uh, just sat here and watched you work a little bit? Knock yourself up.
Out.
Out.
[CHUCKLES.]
I said-- Mmm.
Listen, you just go, you know, do what you normally do, and, uh, don't let me bother you, huh? Sorry.
Just-- Yeah.
[MUMBLING.]
Don't say anything stupid.
Just don't say anything stupid.
Don't say anything stupid.
Don't say anything stupid.
What are you saying? Oh, um Reminding myself not to say anything stupid.
Which is stupid, I guess.
Right there.
That didn't work.
Great.
I'm just, urgh.
[CHUCKLES.]
I gotta make a phone call.
Pinky Tuscadero.
Excuse me.
Yeah? What's this? Oh, this is our top-of-the-line, 52-inch, rear-projection model.
No, no, no.
I mean, what is this show? Oh, that's, uh, C-SPAN2.
What's C-SPAN2? It's mostly live coverage of the Senate.
Live coverage of the Senate? Yeah.
Political stuff like that.
Hang on, I'll change it.
No.
Thank you.
MATTHEW: Oh, I'm sorry.
I must have misdialed again.
I don't know.
I must have misdialed again.
Uh, Jimmy, I'm going into the booth now to use the cans if-- Not now.
You want a vitamin? Do you have an agent? Lisa? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
If you don't want a TV, that's something I can understand and respect.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hm.
You know, I'm aware that sometimes Sometimes I don't really listen to what you're saying, and that's something I really have to work on.
And I will.
Okay.
Okay.
Dave? Oh, hi.
You know, um I really want to apologize to you for back there.
I just-- I guess I got too hypercritical and I hate when I get like that, I know.
I know.
but, I-- You know, I-I think that you're right.
I think that we should just get a TV.
What? Um, anyway, so, I'm thinking, uh I'm gonna get rid of my TV.
That is a great idea.
Let's get this one right here.
Huh? Huh? What? What? Wait, what are you doing? What were you watching? I was watching this channel.
C-SPAN2.
I mean, that was a Senate hearing on Medicaid reallocation.
Apparently they show stuff like this all the time.
Yes, they do.
Yeah.
Yeah, I could watch that like 24 hours a day.
How often is it on? Twenty-four hours a day.
Oh, my God.
We have got to get a TV for my apartment.
Maybe we'd be better off without a TV.
No, we'd be better off with a TV.
With the-- With the-- With this TV.
This TV right here.
[GASPS.]
Oh, it's Trent Lott.
[CHATTER ON BOTH TVs.]
What is it? Why are you trying to steal James Caan from me? What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about.
Walking around, pouring coffee on your shoes, dropping pens down your pants.
Oh, my God.
Do you think he noticed? Of course he noticed! This is so embarrassing.
You're loving it, and you know it.
He doesn't think I'm some kind of spaz, does he? You are a spaz! Yeah, I know that, but does he? He's so distracted by you, he can't even concentrate on what makes me tick.
Uh, I'm sorry, Bill, I What does make you tick? Forces of good and evil constantly at war with my soul, et cetera, et cetera.
But that's not important right now.
What you need to do-- What I need to do is just go home before I do anything else stupid in front of him.
No, what you ne-- Good idea.
Smart thinking.
Just disappear.
We're both on the same page here.
Okay.
Oh, I can't believe my hero thinks I'm an incredible weirdo.
Happens every day.
Don't think twice.
Just go.
Oh, wait.
Here he is now.
Hey, hey.
Uh, you got a minute? I'm afraid I must take my leave of you now, Mr.
Caan.
We're just getting started.
I'm not going anywhere.
No.
Obviously.
Look, uh, you don't have time for a couple questions? I'm sorry.
No.
I gotta go.
Bye.
Okay.
So, anyway, where was I? Before I go, you think I could get a quick autograph though? BILL: No.
Sure, sure, sure, kid.
Oh.
[VIBRATES.]
Here you go.
Oh, right.
Who should I make it out to? I don't know.
Oh, I thought it was Matt or Matthew.
Donald.
Donald.
I thought it was Matt.
I'm-- Yeah, it could be.
Try that one too.
You know, you gotta be the most fascinating son of a bitch I ever met.
Thanks.
So To, uh-- To Matt, or Donald.
Thanks.
Thanks, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Do you ever get nervous? Hm? Oh, oh, sure.
Everyone-- Everyone gets nervous.
You ever get so nervous you feel like throwing up? No, why? Do you? [SPUTTERS.]
I can't believe I threw up on James Caan.
I can't believe he just laughed it off.
I can't believe he didn't punch me.
I can't believe he did punch me.
Come on, come on, come on.
It's nearly game time.
Who's gonna go? I wanna go.
But I deserve to go.
[WHININGLY.]
I wanna go see the basketball.
She can go another time.
Oh, for crying out loud.
Neither of you can make a simple decision? It is ridiculous.
All right, let's see.
I can't either.
I'll tell you what.
I'll buy Spike's ticket off him.
You can both go.
[BOTH CHEER.]
[.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
This is so amazing.
Yeah.
Yeah! But I gotta warn you ladies, though, I really get into this game.
I know.
I hear you are the original super fan.
Yeah, well, my reputation precedes me.
And don't worry, Jimmy.
We won't bug you with a lot of questions.
Good.
Good.
Just-- You know what? Promise me you won't leave like my guests usually do, all right? Mm-mm.
Why? Why would anybody leave early? I don't know.
I guess they don't get into the game the way I do.
JIMMY: All right.
Let's hear it for the Knicks! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! [CROWD CHEERING WILDLY.]
Yeah! [SCREAMS.]
You know, Dave, I like C-SPAN and all, but there's just nothing else I could possibly watch on television.
I mean, none of it interests me at all.
Yeah.
You might wanna see this.
Well, what is it? Tabloid television? Situational comedy? I mean, it's all so empty really.
Look, Lisa.
Lisa, look.
Look.
I'm telling you that none of it interests me.
None of it.
I swear this is worth looking at.
Great, Dave.
Sports.
[REMOTE CLICKS.]
Can we go?
What up? Who want the rock? What's with the ball, Jimmy? Gonna go see the Knicks play a little hoop tonight.
You know, getting a little-- Getting a little loose.
You wanna get that? BETH: Wow, basketball.
Cool.
I didn't know you were into basketball.
No, no, no, no, no.
Not just, uh, basketball.
I'm talking about Knicks basketball.
Matthew.
You mind? Problem is I got two tickets for tonight and nobody to go with.
BETH: Oh, I'll go.
I'm free tonight.
Joe! Think fast.
What do you say? You, me, Knicks, floor seats.
Ah, no, Mr.
James.
I'm, uh, busy tonight.
Tonight's good.
I'm not busy-- Matthew! Actually, I think I have di-- No, the ball, son.
The ball.
See, I don't think either of you would get into the game the way that I do.
I'm kind of asuper fan, you know what I mean? I'd get into it.
No, I'm already into it.
DAVE: Hey, Mr.
James.
Yo, Dave, take it to the hole! [.]
[CAR HORNS HONKING.]
Matthew? Oh, yeah.
BILL: I have an announcement to make.
A friend of mine is visiting today.
You might have heard of my friend visiting today.
His name is James Caan.
You know James Caan? The James Caan? Well, I call him Jimmy, but-- How long have you known him? Who, Jimmy? Yeah.
How long have you known him? I've never actually met him.
But his next movie is going to be about a radio broadcaster, so he's going to be following me around to observe me.
You know, for the role.
Find out what makes Bill McNeal tick.
JOE: Cool.
I don't know if I can handle this.
Do you know what a big James Caan fan I am? Wow, this is like the real life Don Corleone.
No, it isn't.
No, that was Marlon Brando.
Ah, James Caan played Sonny Corleone.
Oh, I've seen that movie so many times, I don't know who's who anymore.
Bill, can I please meet him? No.
You know, I met Abe Vigoda once.
Same movie.
Got his autograph.
Look at that.
"To Donald.
" I know, I-- I got so nervous I forgot my name.
Oh.
"I was not Don Corleone.
Yours, Abe Vigoda.
" Very impressive.
Exactly.
Careful, it-- Oh.
Careful.
Ah.
Well, what's this? Throw-up.
I was so nervous.
That settles it.
You are covering the Oscars.
Really? No.
Dang it.
Bill, you sure I can't meet him? Yeah.
Yeah, he's gonna be very busy studying me.
He doesn't need to be pestered or hounded or thrown up on in any way.
Well, that's asking quite a lot, but I'm sure we'll all do our best.
And, uh, meeting is over.
Come on, Lisa, let's go.
Now? Are you sure we have enough time? It'll only take 20 minutes.
Okay.
What is it? I told you, it's a surprise.
Sorry.
Hi.
BOTH: Hello.
I'm, uh-- Excuse me, I'm looking for a Bill McNeal.
Mr.
Caan.
My father was Mr.
Caan.
Call me Jimmy.
Huh.
Likewise.
I'm sorry, I-I thought your name was Bill.
It is.
Don't worry about it.
Easy mistake to make.
Come right this way.
Matt, I need that Giuliani copy pronto.
Great job on the Gore interview, Nikki.
Like I always say, it's all about legwork.
Hey, big Jake, where's that Pulitzer you're gonna win for me? Ha-ha-ha.
Listen, I'd, uh, like to thank you for letting me check things out here.
And if I get in your way, just let me know.
Will do.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
Now, you're probably wondering: "What makes this Bill McNeal tick?" Well, it all started with a dream.
A dream of a kid from a-- Excuse me.
Uh, actually, um, I'm only interested in the technical details.
Technical details.
Yeah, like, uhwhat kind of headphones you wear, how you wear them, that kind of thing, you know? Right.
Like what makes a guy like me tick.
Where to start.
Where to start.
Well, uh how about headphones? As a broadcaster I probably seem confident and in control.
But inside? The private me? There's pain.
Oh, yeah.
And a little fear.
Uh, um I'm-- I'm sorry to hear about that, but, uh sounds like none of my business.
Maybe you can show me into the broadcast booth now? I see.
You start out with the nuts and bolts, and then get into the deep psychological study.
No.
No.
I-I start with the nuts, I move on to the bolts, then I get the hell out of here.
[LAUGHING.]
So, what exactly happens to the broadcaster in your story? Well, I'm not supposed to discuss that, so let's talk headphones.
[COFFEE DRIPPING.]
I understand.
Keeping it under wraps.
[WHISPERING.]
So, what exactly happens to the broadcaster in your story? [WHISPERING.]
I'm not supposed to discuss that, so let's talk headphones.
Hey, pal.
Could I get a cup of that? [CUP BOUNCES ON FLOOR.]
Watch the shoes.
Who's the spaz? DAVE: One second.
Okay.
Uh, now you can open your eyes.
Okay.
[INHALES.]
Hawaii? Oh, Dave.
We're going to Hawaii? No, we're not.
Oh-- What? No, it's the TV I'm gonna-- I'm gonna buy you a TV.
Oh.
Oh.
You know, I-I-I don't think you should buy me a TV.
Oh, I-I know, it's extravagant.
But you're the only one I know that doesn't have a TV.
There's a reason I don't have a TV.
I-I know.
I know.
You hate TV.
Yes.
I-I mean, I-- [SIGHS.]
I know that I sound like a cliché, but I think TV is ruining society.
It's pervasive and insidious, and turns people slowly but surely into morons.
I love this episode.
This is the one where Mr.
Haney's trying to get Arnold Ziffel to eat this newfangled pigslop.
[INDISTINCT VOICE ON TV.]
Soum do you write your own news copy, or do you just read what they give you? The way I look at it, you and I are a lot alike.
You're a Hollywood tough guy, and I'm kind of a New York a.
m.
radio tough guy.
Uh, what-- What are you talking about? Nothing.
Just talking to myself.
Umwhat about the news copy? News copy.
News copy.
Good question.
Very important.
But I gotta warn you, that's not what makes Bill McNeal tick.
Uh, Bill, I don't wanna offend you, but I'm really not interested in what makes you tick.
You know what I'm saying? Um.
Oh.
Hi! [CHUCKLES.]
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER.]
Huh.
Matthew, this is a bad time.
Mr.
Caan, I'm a very big fan.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Um, nice to meet you.
What's your name? I don't know.
Fine.
What can I do for you? You were so great in Thunderball.
Oh, I wasn't-- I wasn't in Thunderball.
You're probably thinking of Rollerball.
Yes, but when I watch Thunderball, I do wish you were in it.
Well, thank you.
I guess.
Thanks.
I'm nervous.
Can I get an autograph? Oh, sure.
Sure thing.
I have-- I have a pen.
Whoops.
Oh.
[EXHALES.]
Hi.
[SHIVERING.]
[HUMMING.]
Excuse me.
What is it that you're doing? I think it's in my pants.
Look, I-- I have a pen here, if you'd like.
I gotta go to the bathroom and take my pants off.
Of course you want a TV.
Look, Dave, when I was in junior high school, I made a conscious decision not to watch TV, so I could concentrate on my grades.
And I haven't looked back since.
All right, Lisa, well, you know what? You got good grades.
You got into a good college.
You graduated.
You got a good job.
It's over.
Let it go.
Live a little.
It's never over, Dave.
Oh, come on.
I'll buy the TV for myself, put it in your apartment, you never have to look at it.
Why don't you just read more? Oh, read what? I don't know.
Like, Anna Karenina.
No, no.
No, thank you.
I missed like a whole semester's worth of Cheers reading Anna Karenina.
Not doing that again.
Well, you should.
I am reading it for the third time.
Really? So you read the same thing over and over again, yet it's me that has the brain that's mush? Y-- No.
Yes.
Every time I read it, I discover something new in the text.
It's-- WOMAN [ON TV.]
: They won't be long.
Dave? You know, there were actually six Arnold the pigs? This one's number three.
Not my favorite.
LISA: That's ridiculous.
DAVE: A lot of smart, intellectual people watch television.
Name one.
Dave Nelson.
Okay, Dave Nelson.
What's the last book you read? Hm? Uh Goober in a Nutshell.
What? Goober in a Nutshell.
It's a book by the guy who played Goober on The Andy Griffith Show.
He had-- he had a very sad life.
Oh, really? It was a compelling read.
Yes.
Your brain has turned to mush.
I can't believe it.
Oh, really? Well, at least it doesn't take an hour and a half to buy me a TV.
An hour and a half.
Yes.
We have wasted an hour and a half in here.
It would've taken 20 minutes if you weren't being snobby.
At least I'm not an anti-intellectual moron.
At least I wasn't a social outcast in junior high because I didn't know the difference between Pinky Tuscadero and Leather Tuscadero.
What? [CHUCKLING.]
Okay, let me help you out.
Oh.
Pinky was Leather's older sister-- I don't wanna hear about Pinky Tuscadoo-doo or any of that-- Tuscadero.
Whatever.
I cannot help you if you will not listen.
JOE: Let the quiz begin.
Winner goes to the Knicks game with Jimmy.
No substitutions.
No penalties.
No time limits.
Beth, pick a card.
Any card.
Okay.
That one.
Okay.
"How many players are there on a professional basketball team?" [SCOFFS.]
Okay.
There's, like, six offense, seven defense, two guys in black and white shirts.
Fifteen? [MAKES BUZZER SOUND.]
Wrong.
Twelve.
But very close.
Ha.
This is going to be easy.
Catherine, pick a card.
Here.
Read this one.
In the 1976-77 season, which Pacific Division player had the highest rebounding average per game? Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Wrong, but very close.
Jabbar had the most rebounds total, but Bill Walton had 14.
4 per game, to lead the league.
Well, don't I get partial credit? No, I'm sorry.
There's no partial credit, baby.
With me it's all or nothing.
Uhthat one.
Name three people who play basketball.
[SCOFFS.]
Michael Jordan.
Rod Man.
What? Andwasn't there some guy who spit on a kid? Be a little more specific.
Was it a loogie? I'm afraid I can't give you that one.
You see, forces of good and evil are constantly at war for my soul.
Yeah.
Yeah, that'll happen.
You know what, let's talk about headphones.
You know, we in the business call them cans.
What's that guy's name again? BILL: They fit over your ears.
Snugly, like this.
But here's the beauty part.
When you're not using them, you can put them around your neck, like this.
That guy's gotta be the strangest son of a bitch I ever saw.
Wilt Chamberlain.
Wilt Chamberlain does indeed hold the NBA record.
With 11,862, thank you very much.
Correct.
But when you add Moses Malone's totals from the ABA to his NBA total of 11,058, he comes out ahead.
Well, wait a minute.
I'm sorry, Catherine.
Joe's right.
My turn.
Okay.
That's it.
This time I'm picking it.
This is ridiculous.
Just read the question, please.
[SIGHS.]
"How many points for a three-point shot?" [LAUGHING.]
Ha, that's so easy.
Okay.
Three times the points you would get for a regular shot.
Can you be a little more specific? Twenty-two.
You gotta wonder what, you know-- What is going on up there? BILL: Who cares? You see someone like that then you just gotta think, what-- What makes this guy tick? I thought you didn't care about what makes people tick.
Huh? Yeah.
Oh, I, uh-- Usually no, but I mean, that's mesmerizing.
BILL: You know why I got into radio in the first place? When I was very young, my favorite uncle was killed by a radio.
Electrocuted or something.
That never happened.
Yeah, but it could have, and if it had-- Excuse me.
Will you? Hey, there.
Um [CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm Jimmy.
Hi.
[EXHALES.]
Could I, uh-- Could I ask you something? I don't know.
Um What makes you tick? I have cats.
Of course.
Cats.
How many? Three.
I wish.
Actually, only two.
[GIGGLES.]
Hm? Would you mind if I, uh, just sat here and watched you work a little bit? Knock yourself up.
Out.
Out.
[CHUCKLES.]
I said-- Mmm.
Listen, you just go, you know, do what you normally do, and, uh, don't let me bother you, huh? Sorry.
Just-- Yeah.
[MUMBLING.]
Don't say anything stupid.
Just don't say anything stupid.
Don't say anything stupid.
Don't say anything stupid.
What are you saying? Oh, um Reminding myself not to say anything stupid.
Which is stupid, I guess.
Right there.
That didn't work.
Great.
I'm just, urgh.
[CHUCKLES.]
I gotta make a phone call.
Pinky Tuscadero.
Excuse me.
Yeah? What's this? Oh, this is our top-of-the-line, 52-inch, rear-projection model.
No, no, no.
I mean, what is this show? Oh, that's, uh, C-SPAN2.
What's C-SPAN2? It's mostly live coverage of the Senate.
Live coverage of the Senate? Yeah.
Political stuff like that.
Hang on, I'll change it.
No.
Thank you.
MATTHEW: Oh, I'm sorry.
I must have misdialed again.
I don't know.
I must have misdialed again.
Uh, Jimmy, I'm going into the booth now to use the cans if-- Not now.
You want a vitamin? Do you have an agent? Lisa? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
If you don't want a TV, that's something I can understand and respect.
Uh-huh.
Mm-hm.
You know, I'm aware that sometimes Sometimes I don't really listen to what you're saying, and that's something I really have to work on.
And I will.
Okay.
Okay.
Dave? Oh, hi.
You know, um I really want to apologize to you for back there.
I just-- I guess I got too hypercritical and I hate when I get like that, I know.
I know.
but, I-- You know, I-I think that you're right.
I think that we should just get a TV.
What? Um, anyway, so, I'm thinking, uh I'm gonna get rid of my TV.
That is a great idea.
Let's get this one right here.
Huh? Huh? What? What? Wait, what are you doing? What were you watching? I was watching this channel.
C-SPAN2.
I mean, that was a Senate hearing on Medicaid reallocation.
Apparently they show stuff like this all the time.
Yes, they do.
Yeah.
Yeah, I could watch that like 24 hours a day.
How often is it on? Twenty-four hours a day.
Oh, my God.
We have got to get a TV for my apartment.
Maybe we'd be better off without a TV.
No, we'd be better off with a TV.
With the-- With the-- With this TV.
This TV right here.
[GASPS.]
Oh, it's Trent Lott.
[CHATTER ON BOTH TVs.]
What is it? Why are you trying to steal James Caan from me? What are you talking about? You know what I'm talking about.
Walking around, pouring coffee on your shoes, dropping pens down your pants.
Oh, my God.
Do you think he noticed? Of course he noticed! This is so embarrassing.
You're loving it, and you know it.
He doesn't think I'm some kind of spaz, does he? You are a spaz! Yeah, I know that, but does he? He's so distracted by you, he can't even concentrate on what makes me tick.
Uh, I'm sorry, Bill, I What does make you tick? Forces of good and evil constantly at war with my soul, et cetera, et cetera.
But that's not important right now.
What you need to do-- What I need to do is just go home before I do anything else stupid in front of him.
No, what you ne-- Good idea.
Smart thinking.
Just disappear.
We're both on the same page here.
Okay.
Oh, I can't believe my hero thinks I'm an incredible weirdo.
Happens every day.
Don't think twice.
Just go.
Oh, wait.
Here he is now.
Hey, hey.
Uh, you got a minute? I'm afraid I must take my leave of you now, Mr.
Caan.
We're just getting started.
I'm not going anywhere.
No.
Obviously.
Look, uh, you don't have time for a couple questions? I'm sorry.
No.
I gotta go.
Bye.
Okay.
So, anyway, where was I? Before I go, you think I could get a quick autograph though? BILL: No.
Sure, sure, sure, kid.
Oh.
[VIBRATES.]
Here you go.
Oh, right.
Who should I make it out to? I don't know.
Oh, I thought it was Matt or Matthew.
Donald.
Donald.
I thought it was Matt.
I'm-- Yeah, it could be.
Try that one too.
You know, you gotta be the most fascinating son of a bitch I ever met.
Thanks.
So To, uh-- To Matt, or Donald.
Thanks.
Thanks, I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Do you ever get nervous? Hm? Oh, oh, sure.
Everyone-- Everyone gets nervous.
You ever get so nervous you feel like throwing up? No, why? Do you? [SPUTTERS.]
I can't believe I threw up on James Caan.
I can't believe he just laughed it off.
I can't believe he didn't punch me.
I can't believe he did punch me.
Come on, come on, come on.
It's nearly game time.
Who's gonna go? I wanna go.
But I deserve to go.
[WHININGLY.]
I wanna go see the basketball.
She can go another time.
Oh, for crying out loud.
Neither of you can make a simple decision? It is ridiculous.
All right, let's see.
I can't either.
I'll tell you what.
I'll buy Spike's ticket off him.
You can both go.
[BOTH CHEER.]
[.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
This is so amazing.
Yeah.
Yeah! But I gotta warn you ladies, though, I really get into this game.
I know.
I hear you are the original super fan.
Yeah, well, my reputation precedes me.
And don't worry, Jimmy.
We won't bug you with a lot of questions.
Good.
Good.
Just-- You know what? Promise me you won't leave like my guests usually do, all right? Mm-mm.
Why? Why would anybody leave early? I don't know.
I guess they don't get into the game the way I do.
JIMMY: All right.
Let's hear it for the Knicks! Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! [CROWD CHEERING WILDLY.]
Yeah! [SCREAMS.]
You know, Dave, I like C-SPAN and all, but there's just nothing else I could possibly watch on television.
I mean, none of it interests me at all.
Yeah.
You might wanna see this.
Well, what is it? Tabloid television? Situational comedy? I mean, it's all so empty really.
Look, Lisa.
Lisa, look.
Look.
I'm telling you that none of it interests me.
None of it.
I swear this is worth looking at.
Great, Dave.
Sports.
[REMOTE CLICKS.]
Can we go?