No Activity (2015) s03e08 Episode Script

1 Previously on No Activity I'm with you because, you know what, I don't have time for an equal.
I outrank you because I'm a better fucking cop than you.
Deal with it.
Copy that, Car 34.
Dispatch out.
Fatima, if you're missing Janice, you do know I have a complete lexicon of her speech available.
You can do Janice's voice? [AS JANICE.]
: How's this, Fats? I would like to kick a door down and yell, "Freeze, Special Agent Cullen," and throw a guy off a rooftop.
That's what I would like.
Gary Westbrook, you're under arrest! - Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- On your knees, there.
- I'm doing it.
- Shut up.
Wait right there.
Fuck.
Agent Kasprowicz? I'm sorry.
Agent Kasprowicz? [CULLEN GRUNTS.]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, fuck, where'd you go? No! [COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING.]
Whatever it is, it's nothing a little sugar can't fix, Daisy.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
I'm sorry, Eileen, I'm not myself.
This is my first automated ride, this haul.
And you know, I used to be a truck driver, but now I'm a babysitter, apparently, for a big magical steering wheel that I can't touch.
- Hmm.
- You know, there's a highway in Mississippi I can't remember the name of it and it just goes on and cuts through the state.
Just hundreds and hundreds of miles of green.
That sounds nice.
It's green on either side, green all around you.
Blue up on top.
- Cornfields, mostly.
- Yeah.
And all the stalks are exactly seven inches apart.
It's real strange, Eileen.
It's kind of like graph paper.
Wow.
You know what you don't see, though? What's that? People.
You don't see any fuckin' people.
- Okay, watch the language, Daisy.
- And it's because there aren't any.
The whole place is run by robots.
And those machines, they're just out there in the field, and-and they're working, and it's hot as hell.
And they're not complaining, but I'm complaining.
I'm complaining right now, while I still can.
You think your machine truck's gonna come in here and get bacon and eggs, and listen to you bitch about your husband? - Hey.
- Oh, wake up, Eileen.
Frank's not working on his truck.
He's having an affair.
And it's probably with Hot Pants Susie down at the end there, the Silver Fox.
And, Dennis Dennis.
You remember when we got hammered together during the storm, and I gave you a handy by the fryer? You think a robot's gonna do that? Did that really happen? Actually, a robot probably will do that, and it'll do a better job than I did.
My heart wasn't in it, but still.
How about some pie, Daisy? Pie's not gonna help this time.
- We got the cherry.
- [DEVICE CHIMES.]
COMPUTER VOICE: Break over.
- Return to vehicle.
- Oh, my lover is playing our song.
I'll be there in a minute, you robofuck.
I'll get this one, Daisy.
Thanks, Eileen.
You're a real pal.
I'm gonna pray for you, Daisy.
DAISY: And I'm gonna build a big fuckin' robot to pray for you.
I love you so.
COMPUTER VOICE: You have one minute to return to vehicle.
Request extension? Damn it.
No, I don't want that.
- Oh, this thing - [CHIMES.]
- Command not recognized.
- [SIGHS.]
- Please try again.
- [CHIMES.]
- Command not recognized.
- [SIGHS.]
Please try again.
Cabin temperature set to 130 degrees.
No.
[GROANS.]
Command not recognized.
- Please try again.
- Hello? - Oh! - I'm sorry.
- Excuse me.
Jesus.
- Yeah.
- COMPUTER VOICE: Warning.
- Yeah, I'm coming.
- You are running behind schedule.
- I'm coming! Your paycheck may be reduced due to extended break period.
[TRUCK DOOR OPENS, SLAMS CLOSED.]
[ENGINE STARTS.]
Hey.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, excuse me, uh [SHOUTING.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! No, no, no! Stop the truck! I'm back here! - [SIGHS.]
- Oh, God.
Cullen, I feel bad.
- [GROANS.]
- I feel real bad.
Yeah.
- Do you feel bad, too? - Yeah, I do.
Yeah.
You know what, I think we drank too much last night.
- Mm-hmm.
- Way too much.
And those tequila shots at the end? What were we thinking? I don't want to I don't want to think about it.
Then we went to that diner.
Why did we go to a 24-hour diner and order steak tartare? Then they put a raw egg - on top of it.
- Okay.
And then we ate it with our hands.
Stop, stop.
- And then you had sardines.
- Shut up about last night.
I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
Wow.
Well, well, well.
The boys are back together again.
Oh, hey.
Is this is this friendly Leon, or I'll ask the questions here.
That answers that.
Are you gonna come in and sit down, or Did you not hear what I just said about who's gonna ask the questions here? And then you immediately ask me a fuckin' question.
Seriously? No, I'm not gonna come in and sit down.
My plan for the moment is to stay right here out of arm's way.
[GAGS.]
TOLBECK: Officer Cullen went through a breakup, and we had a lot to drink last night.
You know, raw meat with raw egg on top of it.
But we're okay.
No, it sounds awesome.
Thanks for the invite, - by the way.
- Sorry.
In case you're curious, this arm used to jack off Gary Westbrook.
He doesn't need it anymore because he's dead.
We found it attached to the back of a truck using your handcuffs, Officer Cullen.
You know, I think it was Cicero who said, - "The safety of the - "What the fuck, Leon?! Get the fuck out of here, you weirdo! [QUIETLY.]
: Okay, uh, I'm not DUSTIN: There's a what? Are we whispering now? [LAUGHS.]
: Okay.
Sorry.
[LEON SPEAKING QUIETLY.]
Leon, this is my bad.
- This is my bad, I'm so sorry.
- Yeah.
- So it's a - DUSTIN: Here's what I need.
I need you to get the fuck out of here! Take your arm and get the fuck out of here! Goddamn it! What a weirdo.
Am I right? He's kind of weird, right? You know, he brought strippers to his own party.
So sad, right? You know who told me that? - He did.
- We were at that party.
- What? Tell me everything.
- Yeah.
It was barely a party.
I mean, he was wearing the strangest wig.
Yes, yes, yes, yes! I've seen that wig.
He was trying to tell us that his hair grew back.
Dude, that's fucking insane.
- Totally.
- Anyway, I'm gonna go grab a coffee.
You guys need one? - I would love a coffee.
- That'd be great.
Great, I'm gonna get us three coffees, I don't know, an assortment of Danishes, cookies, doughnuts, that kind of shit.
And then we're gonna figure out which one of you fucking idiots killed my last witness! Janice? Hmm.
How are you, Clit? You're fired.
What are you doing here? Trust me, I can't believe I'm back here, either.
When I left this shithole, I thought I would never walk in this building again.
Yeah, that's because you were becoming a prison guard, right? With all the sexy inmates.
Mm, well, that was my plan of action, but turns out I waited too long and there's a six-month waiting list, so - How interesting.
- Mm.
- You can leave now.
- Mm.
Well, let me tell you, I certainly didn't miss this place.
You know, all the turds out there with their dumb faces and weird body smells.
Again, you can leave now.
The tedious calls, the 911 overflow, every asshole out there calling with emergencies.
And then your smug face.
No, trust me, I did not miss this place at all.
That's perfect, Janice, because when you get fired, you don't get to come to work anymore.
That's generally how it works.
Yeah, I hear what you're saying, and I really can't even believe I'm here, but the truth is, I need my job back.
Well, you should've thought of that before you told everyone I fucked a tortoise.
Well, I still stand by that, but I need a job because I really need the money.
Sorry.
What's done is done.
[EXHALES.]
So you're not gonna help me? Afraid not.
Oh, what about your son? Will you help him? What are you talking about? Your son? Mason? Who needs help? Well, I'm fucked.
I am fucked.
Donezo.
Cullen, look, I love you, but you need to get out of your own way.
What? I'm serious.
It seems like every time we come close to cracking a case or some big win, you sabotage it.
- I sabotage it? I do? - Mm-hmm.
Yes.
Like clockwork.
It's like you get so wound up with tension, you know, from wanting to succeed that you just, you become a loser.
You need to un-Cullen yourself.
Oh, God.
I think I just hit it.
- Hit what? - Rock bottom.
I think that's that's it.
Aw.
Come on, buddy.
Hey, did your shoulder get fat? It's so soft.
I just said "rock bottom.
" - Oh.
- I just said that.
- Yeah, you're right.
I'm sorry.
- Yeah.
Shouldn't bring up your fat shoulder.
- No.
Maybe not now.
- Okay.
Don't-don't worry.
It's gonna be all right.
Yeah.
This is your son.
Your biological son Mason.
He was a real sicko during his early years wonder where he got that from but now he wants to go to college and study environmental law, which costs a lot of money.
I can't even believe that's a degree.
I'm gonna need a DNA test.
Perfect.
You can do it together.
It'll be fun.
Yeah.
Great.
Let's get it on the books.
Okay.
Well, I feel like I'm taking up all your time, so I'm gonna go press my uniform.
Did you want the door opened or closed? Closed.
I'm gonna leave it open.
I'm waiting.
I, uh, I cuffed Gary to the truck, truck drove away [BLOWS RASPBERRY.]
Oops, sorry.
"Oops, sorry"? - Oops, sorry.
Yeah.
Yes.
- Oops, sorry.
- Oops, sorry.
Yes.
- That's what you have to say for yourself.
Oops, sorry.
Yes.
Do you want me to say it again? - Oops, sorry.
- Yeah.
Let me just paint a picture for you.
- Right.
- Because today, a good portion of my day has involved driving up the I-5, finding pieces of my witness scattered around the interstate, his head was run over by a school bus full of children on a field trip! - Really? - Yeah, really! They were going to see the space shuttle or some shit.
Spoiler alert: they didn't make it.
They're talking to trauma counselors.
Why? Because you fucked up.
Oops, sorry.
Let me tell you what's happening here.
Okay? Because of your actions, the Las Hormigas Cartel are now underground where they will remain until their next shipment in some six to eight months.
We have nothing to go on.
We have no new leads.
And because of you, the one witness we had is gone.
You fucked me here.
Hey, well, uh, honestly, I mean, I can't say it enough, "Oops," but on the flip side, you know, a criminal's dead, so I kind of did my job.
Are we done? So you just straight-up killed this guy, - destroyed my case - Yeah.
and you don't give a shit.
I think the salient fact here, though, is that there's no coffee here.
You did say coffee, I think.
Did he not? - Do you still want a coffee? - I do.
We'd love some coffee.
[SIGHS.]
[LAUGHS.]
DUSTIN: Okay.
Well, I'm gonna go out there and talk to my guys.
- This is a wild turn of events.
- Okay.
Very interesting.
Okay.
I'm gonna take my coffee with me.
[CACKLING.]
Oops, sorry.
[LAUGHS.]
He liked that.
What are you doing? I'm done.
[SNIFFLES.]
Hey, Fats.
You miss me? Janice, you're back.
Well, in the flesh, for now.
What-what happened to Brookvale prison? Well, I got on a list, and I can still get you on a list, all right? So, last chance, Fats.
[SIGHS.]
Honestly, maybe.
You were right about this place.
It's getting bizarre.
BOPBOT [AS JANICE.]
: What are you bitches clucking about? What the fuck? Now it sounds like me? Well, yeah, I set it to your voice once, and now I can't turn it off.
Oh.
Sounds like you missed me or something.
Um, yeah, I guess I did.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah, no, that's okay.
- All right.
- Yeah, that's not who we are.
- Yeah, we don't do that.
So, like, did you make up with Clint? Or - [LAUGHS.]
- I don't understand.
How are you here? Let's just say I told Clint that he was Mason's father.
W Really? And he totally believed me.
That's insane.
You can't do that to someone.
Oh, give me a break.
After everything he did to me, don't you think he deserved it? - Whose side are you on? - Yours.
The truth is, he might be.
- Really? - Well, he could be.
- Could be? - He is.
Mason is Clint's son.
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
You should've seen his face when I told him.
He totally bought it.
Okay, well, he bought it because it's the truth.
Yeah.
He bought it hook, line and sinker.
Right? [CHUCKLES.]
It was, like, straight out of one of those Ocean movies.
I swindled him.
- You told him the truth.
- I told him the truth and he believed me.
Anyhoozle, how long has this Shitbox 2000 been impersonating me? BOPBOT: Well, now you're back.
Let's get to work.
- [SIGHS.]
Too long.
- Yeah, too long.
Let's do some rearranging, shall we? Let's take this piece of shit and put it next to this piece of shit.
And add this piece of shit, and then clear the air.
- [OVERLAPPING VOICES PROTESTING.]
- Gone! [CLEARS THROAT.]
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- Okay.
- Okay.
Well, I have talked to some of my colleagues out there, and just so that we are clear, Cullen, you are alone claiming responsibility for the death of Gary Westbrook? Yeah.
'Cause I'll tell you what.
Right now, you are looking at, at best, criminal negligence.
At worst, manslaughter.
Still comfortable with that? - Of course we're not.
- Yeah, yeah, we are.
I mean, honestly, so what? A criminal's dead.
I mean, you lost your witness, sure.
I lost my girlfriend.
People lose shit all the time.
If you're gonna charge me, just charge me.
'Cause this whole little dance here, I don't need it.
- Cullen - No, fuck it.
I'm not intimidated by him anymore.
I mean, you FBI guys, you're just cops that went to private school.
I mean, we're out there doing it every day.
What do you actually do? [LAUGHS.]
You really don't give a shit, do you? I got to admit, I kind of like it.
Listen, man, I'm not gonna lie to you.
If we're gonna take down people like El Chappie and guys like him, I need cold-blooded assholes like you out there.
I'm gonna say this once, never gonna speak about it again.
There's an opening on my team.
I'd like you to take it.
What ? CULLEN: Man, I'm flattered, but it's a no.
You should really think about this.
I thought about it.
It's no.
I'm not gonna ask again.
You've already asked, like, three times.
It's-it's a no.
No means no.
Ooh, that only makes me want you more.
It's too bad, huh? TOLBECK: Cullen, this is your way out.
- What else you gonna do? - You know what? I, uh, I'm thinking I might just do nothing.
Just nothing.
DUSTIN: Okay, okay, final - final offer, right now.
- Mm-hmm.
Are you in or are you out? I think we're done here.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
You're turning this down? - What gives you that idea? - Cullen.
Cullen! Look, we've had a bad day today.
He's just not himself.
Let me just go talk to him.
I'm sure everything will be just fine.
Cullen.
Goddamn it.
Dustin, you went in too hard.
You showed your hand, and then he can just throw it back in your face and walk out.
Oh, when he walked out, it was cool, huh? Ooh, I would love a walkout like that.
- There she is - [SIGHS.]
Perfectly framed by the woods she painted green TOLBECK: Well, I guess this is where I'm supposed to give you some big sexy speech about what it means to be a cop.
But I'm not gonna do that.
I will tell you this: there is no one way to be a cop.
There are happy cops, sad cops, good cops, bad cops, black cops, white cops.
Cops who like to stay up late, cops who like to go to bed early.
There's only one way to mess it up, and that is to be a cop who isn't true to himself.
No, you could not - Huh? Did you say something? - [MUSIC STOPS.]
Yeah, I just said a lot.
Oh, you did? I'm sor - my bad sorry.
- [SIGHS.]
- What-What's up? - I was telling you what it means to be a cop today.
You mean, like, a pep talk? You gave a full pep talk, and I - Yes.
- I missed the whole? - Can you do it again? - No.
Hold on, wait, wait, wait.
Hold on, wait, wait.
- This is this is perfect.
This is perfect.
- [PHONE CHIMES.]
Hey, guys, Officer Reinhardt here.
Uh, I am, uh, first day on the job.
We're here, we're cruising.
We're trying to catch those bad guys.
I'm here with SDPD veteran Officer Tolbell, and he's going to give you some words of wisdom, so listen up.
Um just be yourself.
That's it? - Yeah.
- Great.
Cool.
Awesome.
"Be yourself.
" Oh, I know what I want to say.
Okay.
- You want to start it over? - No.
It's live.
- It's live? - Yeah, the whole thing's going live.
Oh, um Just go.
Don't worry.
Keep it real.
Th-That's all? - Yeah, that's it.
- Great.
That's great.
Amazing.
Yeah, keep it real.
[SIGHS.]
So, what kind of cop was your old partner? That is a long story.
- There he is - [BIRDS CHIRPING.]
Playing in his band now Just for kicks And I shuffle my way up to the front row Standing still I can see him singing With his eyes closed FBI DISPATCHER: Operation Mouse Trap.
Go! Go! Go! Go! I hope you keep singing with your Eyes closed Whoa-oh I'm in the south tower.
Heading to the roof.
Oh, but prove yourself No, you could not have moved on Freeze! Special Agent Cullen! Lie to me - Whoa.
- Why waste a bullet, right? [LAUGHS.]
- Hey, that's a pretty cool line, man.
- Thanks, man.
Yeah, you should use it when you tell his widow that he's dead.
- I probably will.
- All right, you ready to do this? - Let's grip it - And rip it.
- Stay down, fuckers! - Police! CULLEN: On the ground.
On the fucking ground! [SIRENS WAILING.]
DUSTIN: Oh, you killed that guy, Cullen.
- Oh, yeah.
- You're some kind of psycho.
- CULLEN: That's right.
- Oh, I wish you well Oh, I wish you well Oh, I wish you well Even though my heart is breaking Okay, El Chapshit, keep quiet and don't say a word, or there's gonna be trouble.
But if you do as you're told, there's still gonna be trouble.
- Right? - Right? - You little bitch! - Right.
'Cause we own you, motherfucker.
- We're your bosses.
We own you.
- We will destroy you, - motherfucker! Yeah.
- Boss ladies.
- Ugh! - Geez, another old guy.
What is this, a retirement village? Hey, I saw some hot neo-Nazis out on the quad doing burpees.
- Let's go.
- Yes.
Oh, oh, oh There she dreams Dreaming all the dreams I used to dream Whoa-oh, now Oh, whoa-oh Oh, but prove Yourself No, you could not have Moved on this well.