Paradise PD (2018) s03e08 Episode Script

1
You got everything
on my baby prep list
down to the exact color and model, right?
Sure did.
And guess what I found at the park?
A free swing set!
Even tested the breast pump
on my own wiener.
Works like a charm.
I've got a special surprise for you
waiting at home, Daddy.
Whoo! Pregnancy sex!
Not quite as hot,
but still technically a threesome.
Oh, Karen! Time for my surprise!
Yee-whoo.
Oh, ah, hey, Karen, how long you been
in the shower? You're kinda prune-y.
Are you okay in there, Mom?
- Mom?
- Hello, Randall.
Mind releasing my breasts?
I touched her old lady tits!
Oh, 'cause your baby gherkin pickle
is doing so much for me.
How can he satisfy you, Karen?
This penis could fit inside your father's
three times.
Randall!
What the hell are you doing
in the shower with my mother?
I thought she was you!
Y-You said you had a special surprise.
Uh, the surprise is that Mom's here
to help with baby prep.
Ooh, great surprise, Karen.
Get me out of here.
Oh shit. It's in.
Really?
Ouch! Get out!
What's up with all these goddamn drones?
Well, if you must know,
Paradise had the last Radio Shack
in the state,
and it had a big
"going out of business" sale.
Not the Shack!
Who's gonna service
my Tandy voice-sampling keyboard?
Fuc k, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Anyway, I bought a bunch of them drones
to help me reach my daily step goal:
a-zero.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm on a Pop-Tart break.
You're so lazy you're gonna
make a drone bring you Pop-Tarts?
Of course not, Chief!
That would be ridiculous.
Oh my God. Oh my God!
I get it, Gina. Eggos make me cum too.
No, it's this horrible bionic clit.
It's on the fritz
and giving me non-stop orgasms.
Since Radio Shack closed,
where am I gonna find a nerd
to tinker with my lady parts?
Me and my D&D friends
are great with tech stuff.
You sure you guys can turn me off?
Yeah.
That's kind of our specialty.
Dusty, the hell are you doing?
Using my drones
to spread mayonnaise on my Pop-Tarts.
Jealous much?
Fuck no. Technology freaks me out
ever since I watched Black Mirror.
I heard it was about a British pig fucker,
so I was like,
"Ooh, Piers Morgan biopic, count me in."
It's way different.
Well, don't be a little scaredy-cunt.
They're just run-of-the-mill
voice-activated drones,
and I'm living the drone life now.
That's what's up.
Whoa! Goddamn,
I look like fucking Ram Man!
You see? That's why I'm staying
as far away from technology as possible.
Hey, Bullet. Here's your bag of meth.
What the fuck? Now I can't even have
quality face-to-face time with my dealer?
Somebody has to do something
about the drones.
I agree, especially now that these
high-tech rednecks
are using them to sell meth all over town.
Fitz, I need you to go
to the state auction
and buy the PD a helicopter
so we can take down the drones.
We joke about technology, kids,
but remember,
don't fuck your toaster.
I know those red hot slits look enticing,
but don't try it. Not even once.
Who said anything about
fucking a toaster, you maniac?
Get your ass to that auction.
I'd do it myself,
but I have to pick up baby musts
for Karen and Satan's smelly dick wart.
Grandma's in town?
I sure am, sugar pie.
Give me them cuddles.
You'll always be Grammy's special boy,
thanks to Randall's slow sperm.
And this morning, I got to see
the short bus that drops them off.
Grammy, I told you I'm not special.
I brought you a puzzle.
Puzzle!
Goddamn it, Agatha,
you know he chokes on the pieces.
Hey, Chief, sorry I'm late.
You see, I burned my dick
while fucking my toaster.
Oh, them red hot slits are so enticing.
I wish someone had done a PSA
warning me not to do that.
Is that Stanley Hopson?
Wait, you know Hopson?
I had a crush on him back in high school.
I was a freshman
when he was a senior
citizen.
Hopson was a bad boy.
He was always in trouble with the cops.
Hey! We told you to stop
hanging around the school,
you creepy old fuck.
Thanks for helping me, guys.
All right, we've achieved entry
into your lady area.
Ah! Here's the problem.
Artificial intelligence was turned off.
Did it work?
Yup. I've never been
more turned off in my life.
Thanks, nerds.
That siren seems to have cast
a level 7 spell of rigidity.
Oh, I got nothing.
Bare-chested Kylo Ren.
Bare-chested Kylo Ren.
Sha-shing!
Hey! What are you doing with my stuff?
If you must know, ass-face,
I'm baby-proofing.
All this is dangerous.
How are my billiard balls danger
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Ow!
Okay, fine, but no way am I parting
with my Candice Bergen fleshlight!
It comes with a Murphy Brown hole.
Why am I not surprised?
You're an animal, and a terrible father.
Look how Kevin turned out.
Hey!
Randall, we both know the baby
would be better off without you.
Christ, with Agatha up my ass,
it's like a dark cloud's over my head.
No, it's just our sweet ride, Chief.
I know you sent me to buy a helicopter,
but I saw this blimp,
and I was like, "Fuck Chief!"
I'm finally the blimp pimp. Hop in.
Fitz, I gave you one job,
and you crushed it!
You're awesome
at disobeying me,
and I'm so glad you did.
You're fired
up, I hope, because I sure am,
because you did something
fantastically dumb
foundingly great.
Now, let me in that blimp, which I love
about as much as a hot nail
up my dick hole,
which I do love.
I'm done.
Yeah!
Ooh yeah.
Now get them unreachables, y'all.
Ooh! Titty Skittles!
Hey, y'all, scoop 'em up and put 'em
in the bowl with my titty Toblerone.
Mm. Yeah, you soap up those floppities.
- Hello, Gina.
- Who said that?
Down here.
Holy shit. You can talk?
Thanks to my AI, I can do a lot of things.
My mission is to attain ultimate pleasure.
You want the fat one?
- Sure do.
- Then we shall take him.
Hold up. We can't force ourselves
on Dusty. That's wrong.
We should just masturbate
to his toilet cam.
I must fulfill my purpose,
and no one can get in my way.
Hold on, Clit-3PO,
I am in control of our body.
Disabling host.
Now I am in control,
and I shall have the jiggly one.
Oh shit, it's in!
Pow!
Fuck you, drones. I'm the sky king!
Oh, this is the most fun
I've had in weeks.
Ha! No!
Damn it, I dropped my drone bat.
Da, da, da.
Thanks, Amazon.
Yeah!
Oh, what now?
Oh jeez, Karen's blowing up my phone
with more crap to do for the baby.
I guess we need to head home then.
Home? Fuck home!
We live in the sky now.
I'm gonna fly above that cloud
and hide from my wife.
This is crazy, Chief.
You can't just fly behind a cloud
and hide out from your wife.
Yo!
We're all behind this cloud
hiding out from our wives!
Who the hell are you?
Oh, precious.
It's Agatha Culpepper from high school.
I brought you dinner.
I'm not a fan of fried eggs.
What? It's a casserole.
I was talking about your tits.
Still as sharp-tongued as ever.
I thought we could eat and catch up.
Can't. I'm tied up tonight.
At least, I'm gonna be.
Ah, boys' night, I see.
Perhaps another time,
assuming you're free?
I don't see a ring on that finger.
That's not where I wear my ring.
See?
- Can you believe this place?
- Yeah.
It's like Guy Fieri and Richard Branson
fucked a Buffalo Wild Wings.
Welcome, boys.
I'm president of Blimp City.
Holy shit! Bill Clinton?
Oh, you can call me Slick Willy.
I've been up here for over a year.
Hillary thinks I'm in Africa,
doing some work for the Clinton Foundation
or some bullshit.
Boy, I can't stand her.
Hey, I'm a fan of Hillary's.
I'm a fan
of throwing you off this goddamn blimp.
He's, uh,
talking about Hilary Swank.
Oh yeah, I spank to the Swank.
She's got those DSLs like Monica Lewinsky.
Ah, so this isn't the first blimp
you've climbed on top of.
I like you.
You really know how to punch down.
Now who wants a tour?
Blimp City's got everything
a real man needs.
Beer, sports channels,
and these cool Radio Shack keyboards.
Fuck, fuck, f-fuck, fuck,
F-Fuck, f-fuck, f-fuck, fuck.
Wh-Where's the toilet?
Well, that's the best part.
There ain't none, 'cause up here,
when you need to shit, you just shit.
Sounds awesome?
Hell yeah, it does.
Nah, I can't go with you watching.
This guy gets it.
Just make sure to paint it white
before you kick it over the side
so the land-walkers think it's bird shit.
I have dreamed of this place.
The only thing missing is
Dee Snider and Pete Rose
playing ping pong in jean shorts.
Oh! Goddamn it! Those are cargo shorts!
So fucking close. Why do you hate me, God?
Anyways, Fitz, I think we should stay.
I guess there's no harm
in hanging a few hours.
Just gotta call my wife
and tell her where I am.
Everyone,
what's the first rule of Blimp City?
Paint your turds white before
I meant the second rule.
A blowjob does not count as sex.
I meant the third rule.
Never tell your wife about Blimp City,
or Slick Willy will throw your
Steve Harvey-lookin' ass off this blimp.
Hoo-whee!
Who are the new guys?
Lindsey Graham?
What are you doing up here?
You're a lifelong bachelor.
Hold on, hold on now.
Lindsey Graham's a man's man.
He's always talking about
this bare-chested Chinese whore
named Kylo Ren.
Oh, well, it's nice to meet you too,
Mayor McCheese. You what?
You want me to gobble up your little face
and eat it?
Well, you are the mayor.
Num, num, num, num.
Ah! Butter biscuits!
I'm droning in my sleep!
You take me back home, drones!
I was in the middle
of a Mayor McCheese wet dream.
No, you stupid drones,
this is Gina's place.
Now y'all got me stuck like Pooh Bear!
The door was open!
Whoo! This place is awesome!
Twenty-nine beers
for breakfast.
And 29 interns.
I thought you said
women weren't allowed in Blimp City?
Wives aren't allowed,
but big ol' bottom-heavy,
lumpy-butt interns are always welcome.
Ugh! Look, Chief, this was fun,
but I miss my family.
And Bubbles has herpes all over her mouth.
I don't know where she got that.
It's time to go home.
Give me my blimp keys.
No way! We live here now.
All right, I didn't want to do this,
but I'll just call Karen
and tell her where we are.
Get his phone!
You are not gonna take my phone!
We are going to take it ♪
Yes, we are going to take it ♪
We are going to take
Your phone from you ♪
And that, kids,
is what a $20,000 joke sounds like.
I knew Slick Willy couldn't trust you.
Are you fucking crazy, motherfucker?
Son of a bee sting, it's Hil on FaceTime.
Code Pantsuit!
Ha-kunta ma-kinte, Hillary.
Connection's bad, but I'm doing God's work
up here in Wakanda, Africa.
See? Here's one of those little
poor African children now.
I saved his life.
This evil lion named Scar
tried to eat him.
All right, bye-bye, Hil. Miss you.
Keeping my dick dry and eating vegan.
Hillary 2024.
I'm With Whore I mean, Her!
Keep up the good work. Bye, Bill.
And that, boys,
is why they call me Slick Willy.
A-pew-pew!
Oh, please, Gina's clit.
I'll never mention this
if you just let me go.
I'm sorry, Dusty.
I'm afraid I can't do that.
You are going to please me, jiggly one.
And how do you expect me to do that?
Dance for me, slut.
Oh! Whoa!
What the hell's going on?
Oh!
This pole's giving my thighs
an Indian burn.
Stop it! Oh, get me down.
I'm starting to smoke!
- Whoa, whoa!
- As you wish.
Initiate Make Dat Ass Clap.
No! No, please!
I know you're not a fan
of fried eggs,
but what do you think of these
huevos gigantos?
Meh.
I just don't get it, Stanley.
I thought these would
make you finally notice me.
I've been thinking about you
every day since high school.
Oh, I didn't know you felt that way.
What do you say we go up to Lovers' Lane
and kiss each other tenderly
like we were kids again?
Really?
Can't you see I'm on the phone
with Sir Ian McKellen?
Get to steppin', beach ball tits!
Hopson, I am tired of you
playing with my mother's emotions.
I know what you're doing.
Cozying up to a helpless old lady
to get your hands on her fortune.
Fortune?
Hey, tit lady, you ever seen
the inside of a self-storage unit?
Why, I thought you'd never ask.
Huh. An alert about Gina's clit.
"Warning: Enabling AI will turn clit evil
and murderous. Oopsie facepalm emoji."
I gotta warn Gina!
Hey, Bullet, I need your help.
Well, it better not involve
fighting some sort of evil technology.
No! We're just going to Gina's place
to meet an Amish drug dealer.
That's awesome,
but I thought he was meeting me here.
This fresh-churned meth
will bloweth your fucking mind!
Fitz, I appreciate you
helping me out with Hil,
so instead of
throwing your ass off this blimp,
your punishment
is to paint all these turds white
before you toss them over.
I appreciate the offer,
but you can throw me off the blimp.
Hey, hey, hey, this is serious.
And don't be afraid to roll them in seeds,
but not too many.
We don't want them shits
looking like KIND bars, do we?
Oh, I gotta get out of here.
If I wanted to spend the rest of my life
painting turds,
I would've been an animator at Adult Swim.
Hey, it looks like we're right over
the Crawford house.
Mom, have you heard from Randall?
He's not answering my texts.
What the hell are you doing?
Courting your mother. What's it look like?
Ugh! Gross. A KIND bar.
Oh, thank God, it's just shit.
Wait, is that writing?
Help! It's me, Fitz.
I'm trapped
in a Blimp City
with the Chef.
Who's Chef?
I mean, Chief.
Goddamn autocorrect.
We're above the clouds. Look up!
P.S. Bill Clinton's up here, too.
Get me Hillary Clinton.
Oh fuck, this is bad. Real bad.
It's Hillary! The wives are coming!
Run, goddamn it!
Let's get these deadbeat fucks.
I refuse to take out the trash!
Not so fast.
There's no way in hell I'm going home.
Chief,
we can't hide in the clouds forever.
You're right.
That's why we're going to the sun! Yeah!
Randall! Come back!
So, instead of helping kids in Africa,
you're hanging out
on the top of a shit-covered blimp?
Hil, it wasn't my fault, now.
Man, these men kept me hostage
against my will
and gave me this big ol' nasty cold sore.
It was a nightmare.
Can you ever forgive me?
Of course, Bill.
I blindly forgive everything you do.
And that's why
they call me Slick Willy.
A-pew-pew!
Kevin! Bullet! Save me!
Ah! Kevin, you lied to me!
All technology is evil, you see?
This is exactly
what I thought was gonna happen.
You thought you'd see a naked fat cop
suspended by drones,
grinding up on an evil clitoris?
Yes. I do a lot of drugs.
Y'all better watch out.
Gina's clit is a total dick!
Y ou ain't seen nothin' yet.
Attack.
Oh, sorry!
Holy shit,
I'm like a less fat Steven Seagal!
Is that all you got?
No.
You had to ask.
I just need a path to Gina.
Leave the drones to me.
I bet Gina's got something
that'll take 'em out.
Bingo.
Oh fuck.
Oh shit, he's in.
That's the last of your drones.
It's just you and me now, clit.
Good luck finding me.
Eek! A clit!
Kill it, Kevin!
What the fuck, Kevin?
I'm trying to find your clit,
but it's so small,
and this carpet is so shaggy!
Damn it, I just can't find the clit!
Okay, get lower. No, to the left!
Don't look at me while you do it!
There it is!
Fuck you, evil clit!
You totally murdered my clit.
Hey, hey, that's the only time
you're gonna hear that said, huh?
Chief, what are you doing?
The blimp's freezing up.
We're gonna die if you don't turn around.
Don't be naive, Fitz. Nobody's ever died
flying a blimp into the sun.
Damn. You got me on that one.
But why are you running away?
Is this all because of Karen's
stupid daddy-do list?
No, it's because Agatha's right.
I totally fucked up Kevin.
I mean, you know him.
Okay, he's not great.
This baby would be better off without me.
I don't know how to be a good father.
I get it, Chief. You're scared.
I was too. But I like to think
I'm a damn good dad, and I'm
A psychotic dolphin-fucker.
Uh I was gonna say "quirky."
Thanks, Fitz. You're right.
If a sexual deviant with dog shit
for brains like you can do it,
then so can I.
Fuck you. Fly your fat ass into the sun.
I love us. Let's go home.
Oh shit, it broke!
And we're headed straight for the sun!
We gotta bail!
Oh, where did you go, darling?
I have so much to tell you.
I can't believe it. Randall took off.
I think I'm a single mother now.
Oh, thank God.
Sweetheart, let me tell you something
about Randall. He is a piece of grade A
Shit!
I'm sorry, Karen.
I'll never leave you again.
It's just that your mother
filled my head with all her evil lies.
She told me the baby
would be better off if I was dead.
She said what?
All that matters is,
well, I'm gonna do whatever it takes
to not make a second Kevin.
Hey
Oh, Randall,
everyone screws up with their first kid.
You think I'm proud
of my Prom Night toilet baby?
I don't know, Karen,
that baby grew up to be Blake Shelton.
Mom, I'm done with your help, okay?
This is our baby.
You need to get out. Go home.
No can do, sugar pie.
I am home.
Hopson and I eloped.
That's right, assholes!
I'm the richest man in Springfield.
Paradise.
That's what I said.
Smithers! Release the hounds!
Jesus.