Playing House (2014) s03e08 Episode Script

Okay, this is making it worse.
Mags, this is not working.
I'll try the crimper.
Hello, old friend.
Hey, that's too many hot tools.
- Nope.
- Put down the crimper.
- I got it no.
- Step away from the crimper.
- I need it.
- Nobody needs a crimper.
No, look at what chemo has done to my hair.
I look like Dog the Bounty Hunter.
You may feel like Dog the Bounty Hunter inside, but you don't look like him that's crazy.
Yes, I do.
It's like Hey! Ronny Trevin! You get on out here and make those payments on your Mazda Miata! Who's Ronny Trevin? He's the scumbag that the Dog is trying to take down.
Why do you have a Southern accent? - He lives in Hawaii.
- I don't know.
I've never seen it.
Okay, you just finished chemo, and we're going to dinner to celebrate with our new boyfriends, okay? - Our boyfriends - What is that? - Oh, yeah, the boyfriends - Oh, my God.
Oh, yeah.
So go put on that dress that we bought you that shows off your new tit-ays, and let's hit the road.
No, these are not ready for public consumption.
All right, I'll just call Dr.
E and tell him - to cancel our reservation - Okay, thank you.
- At Simon.
- Simon? That's right, friend.
How did he get a reservation at Simon? Because he's Dr.
Clive Ericson - Uh, my boyfriend - Oh, God, don't do that.
- My boyfriend - No, please.
No.
- My boyfriend - Please, never let him - see you do this.
- It's too late.
And he's sticking around, which is good news for everybody.
All right, fine.
I will go.
But can you please try and do something with this hair? Yes, I'll straight up Truvy that wig.
- "Steely Mags" style.
- Okay.
Step into my salon.
Just gonna segment it, and then we're gonna get a lot of hot air right at the root.
Oh.
I guess that was too many hot tools.
Dog, you did it again.
Hey, remember when All of time stood still Ooh, do do do do Back before we were brittle Back before we were brittle Hey, will you text the guys and tell them that we're just gonna quick get our hair done and then we'll be right there? I'm gonna text them that we're not coming, 'cause let's face it we're never gonna get there.
- What are you talking about? - It's happening.
I can feel it in my, until very recently, cancer-filled bones - the Crawford Curse.
- Oh, my God.
- Not this old thing again.
- Listen to me.
- That is not what's happening.
- Since the 1800s, whenever something is going well for the Crawfords, - boom, something bad happens.
- You just had cancer, so I think you're good for a while.
All right.
Hey, tonight we are celebrating, okay? Also, there is no curse.
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me? My bones always know.
Okay, I'll find a place to pull over.
- There's a spare in the back.
- No, no, no.
You can't change it in this dress.
You're gonna get grease all over it.
Who you think you're talking to? You know I come prepared.
All right.
Why is this taking so long? Excuse me? Do you want to do this? Or am I the tire expert? You need to say "thank you" to your old pal Bocephus.
- This is ridiculous.
- No, it's not.
This is exactly why I keep this getup in the trunk for scrapes like this one.
I thought I got rid of that stupid hat.
Oh, you know Bocephus always gonna rise from the ashes.
Ooh, Jandana Banana.
What you got on the top bits, here? You got some new merchandise? All right, don't touch.
- Let me get a feel.
- Don't you touch my boobs.
- Ooh.
- Don't.
Ooh, they feel like a waterbeds.
- Okay.
- Oh, no.
More like Jelly Bellies.
Please give me a tender touch.
- What is this? - That's my crab grabbing.
Crab grabbing.
Text the guys and tell them we're on our way.
Got it.
Hey, can you toss me the keys? I got to open the car.
- No, no, no.
You have the keys.
- No, I don't.
Well, I I left them in the ignition.
Well, then they're locked in the car.
No, no, no, no.
- No! - Told you.
It's the Crawford Curse.
It's not the curse.
It's you! The only thing to do now is to give in.
Clive.
Oh, good to see you.
- How are you? - Oh, good.
Yeah.
- Wow, this place is - Yeah, it's pretty fancy, huh? - Yeah.
- Not quite my speed.
Yeah, I'm more of a DiGiorno's Pizza type of guy.
- It's not delivery.
- No.
It's DiGiorno.
- DiGiorno.
- Right? All right, well, the girls just texted.
- They're running a little late, - blow-drying their hair.
Women.
Sorry, no, I shouldn't that It's 2017.
I probably shouldn't say things like that.
Yeah.
It's fine.
It's fine.
An amuse-bouche from the chef.
Oh, actually, our dates a running a little bit late.
So we should probably hold off on any amuses of the bouche.
Once Chef Simon begins your culinary adventure - Did he just say "semen"? - That can't be right.
There is no stopping.
Tonight's adventure is called "Lift Off.
" We begin with an exploration of the forest floor.
Amidst the grubs and the mealworms, we discover our inspiration.
Okay.
The beginning of life! What the - It's a bowl of dirt.
- Yeah, I I think it's I think it's a salad.
- Okay.
Well, here goes nothing.
- Yeah.
- You gonna do it? - We'll do it at the same time.
- Yeah, yeah.
- This feels like dirt.
- Mmm.
- Well, shit, Simon.
- That's delicious.
- It's "Semen.
" Are you sure you don't have any snacks? No.
I gave you the beef jerky I had.
I don't want that was not beef jerky.
It was too it was an old Omaha Steak that had dried in my trunk.
So what's your big plan? We're just gonna sit here - for the rest of our lives? - Yes.
'Cause in an emergency situation, you're supposed to stay put.
Oh, interesting.
Hey.
- Maggie, Emma.
- Mr.
Nanjiani? Look at me.
I'm a Lyft driver.
- You need a lift? - Yes, we do.
Thank you.
Too bad.
I already got somebody in the back.
What? Then why did you ask? Unless what happens in the back seat stays in the back seat.
Hey, um, thank you so much for letting us tag along.
Oh, my pleasure.
You look like you needed a helping hand.
Where y'all going? I assume you didn't leave your house intending to look like this.
We were supposed to have dinner with our boyfriends.
Yeah, it was to celebrate this one finishing chemo 'cause she just kicked breast cancer's ass.
- Oh, congratulations.
- Thank you.
But we're not gonna get there because I'm cursed.
- Oh, my God.
- And I just want to apologize because it's most likely gonna rub off on you as well.
Nothing rubs off on me unless I want it to.
Plus, if you were cursed, you'd be dead.
Curse people don't survive cancer.
Thank you.
Exactly.
What is this, "Sixth Sense"? Am I seeing dead people here? You know what? I'm trying to break myself of this habit of taking in stray dogs.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.
But I can't in good conscious let you got meet your men looking the way you look, so Look, I have a question.
Give me your hands.
Do you trust me? - Well, we just met, but - Yes.
Wise.
Wise.
All right, girls, right this way.
Holy shit.
This is like every dream I've ever had coming true.
We're about to change your lives.
I mean, I can't go back to Tijuana, but at least I got a good story.
Oh, my God.
You guys, this is literally a dream come true for me.
I've seen every episode of "RuPaul's Drag Race.
" - Twice.
- That's right.
This one can lip-synch for her life with the best of 'em.
- Yes.
- Oh, can she? What is going on with all this kinky, curly hair at the root, girl? You look like, um Dog the Bounty Hunter? - Yes! Yes.
- Yeah! She just finished chemo for breast cancer, so we should maybe go easy on her.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Sorry.
Oh, no, thank you.
No, no.
I'm fine.
You know, my mom and my grandmother both had it.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are they are they No! My grandma's 103, and my mom is asking for grandchildren.
That's a bigger conversation.
We're all survivors of something.
Can I get an amen? - Amen.
- Hallelu! - And that is worth celebrating.
- That's right.
Yeah, and so are these new boobs, mama.
You got to put these double Ds in the window, girl.
Yeah, girl, you need to let the dogs out.
I know.
I just don't feel like they're mine, you know? - Did you pay for 'em? - You got the receipts? - Yeah.
- They're yours.
Okay.
A wise woman once told me, "We're all born naked, and the rest is drag!" What about you? - Who? Me? - Yeah, you.
I mean, you're the caretaker.
- Oh, no, no.
I'm good.
- Oh, no, no.
You guys don't understand.
She was with me at every single chemo.
She packed me in ice from head to toe.
Like a choice piece of holiday meat.
Yes.
This is all while going to nursing school and taking care of the cutest baby in the entire world.
It's just life.
It's just being a woman.
Am I right? Am I right? Oh, give me a break, man.
- Maggie, you got to get crazy.
- What does that mean? I'm talking, you got to get crazy, girl.
I'm talking "Britney Spears, shaved head", "attacks car with an umbrella" crazy.
Listen, my great-uncle, PeeWee he used to always say, "Sometimes you got to let the rough end drag.
" I'd love to know what that means.
Girls? Girls, girls, girls, girls, girls! Oh, God! Oh, my God.
We have an emergency.
Bitch, if you're gonna come in here that excited, you better have something real dramatic to say.
Ms.
Chi Chi Royale and Banana Daiquiri are over there on a cruise, whale watching in P Town, and the ship ran ashore! How's that for dramatics? Damn! That is, like, the second time this week.
Like, why do people love watching whales so much? They come here every week for her.
- Oh! - Truth.
Through.
Now who's gonna do "Proud Mary"? - Not us.
- Oh, no, no, no.
- Katya? - I'm not in the mood.
I'm not in the mood.
I don't have the body for it.
- No, no, no.
- We'll do it.
We'll do "Proud Mary.
" What are you talking about? We're not drag queens.
We're just, like, one set of false eyelashes away from it.
Wait, do you guys really think you can do this? Well, I mean, I don't know.
We never, ever do nothing nice - Ooh, ooh! - And easy.
We always do it nice and rough.
All right! Whoo! Should we be worried about the girls? As far as we know, they might be in jail.
- What? - Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I've arrested them multiple times.
No, no, no, the charges have always been dropped.
What sort of other things have they gotten into? Oh, gosh, let me think.
- Nothing huge.
- Right.
A lot of chicanery, tomfoolery, and shenanigans.
- "Shenanigans"? - Yeah.
For instance, I assumed that it was just gonna be the two of us at least for an hour and a half.
- Okay.
- And I'm not having a bad time.
Me neither.
It's quite enjoyable.
What was enjoyable your forest floor? Yes, it was delicious.
Thank you.
Did you eat the rocks? - Oh, yeah.
- You should not have.
Our next course we raise up to the canopy of the rain forest.
As water gives life, so sun - grows roots.
- Mm.
What what uh, what is this? It's a tree.
What are we supposed to do with it? Cut it down.
You know, sometimes you take in a stray dog off the streets.
Yeah! And they just look nasty 'cause it's been on the street, surviving! But then you wash it up, clean it behind the ears, and damn it if you don't have a pure-bred Shih Tzu on your hands.
I have two survivors doing a tribute to the greatest survivor of all time Miss Tina Turner! Rolling on the river Rolling on the river Oh, I left a good job in the city Working for the man, every night and day And I never lost one minute of sleep And worrying about the way things might have been - Big wheel keep on turning - Turning Proud Mary keep on burning Burning - Rolling - Yeah - Rolling - All right Rolling on the river - All good now - Rolling - Said, "Rolling" - Yeah Rolling on the river Come on, doo, doo, doo, doo Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo All right I said, "Rolling" Rolling Rolling on the river - Oh, there, I got it.
- There we are.
- Yep.
- Timber.
Hey, so, um, I just wanted to say thank you for everything you've done for Emma.
- No, come on.
- No, you went above and beyond.
Those doctors you found saved her life.
And I know you've been answering her crazy questions late at night, which I'm sure is a lot.
I had to upgrade my data package.
So how are you doing in all of this? Um, yeah, no.
I'm doing I'm doing okay.
Yeah? You good? Yeah, I mean, I hate that I can't fix it for her.
- Yeah.
- It's it's terrifying, 'cause it's'cause it's the woman that is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I didn't realize you guys were so serious.
Just I guess we just haven't said it out loud.
And here I am saying it to a man I hardly know while sawing down a tiny tree.
Hey, what happens at Simon stays at Simon.
It's "Semen"! Oh, my God.
It's fish.
It's extremely moist fish.
It's a fish tree.
There is nothing like a drag audience.
They can either cut like a knife or lift you up like a choir of angels.
Oh, God, I've never felt more feminine or more loved.
- Right? - You know? That's 'cause we're reversing the curse, bitch.
- Yeah, bitch! - Whoo! Hey, should we start calling each other "bitch"? - Are you on board for that? - I don't know.
I mean, it felt really good when I just said it right there, but We wouldn't want to do it at home.
No, no.
Not in front of Charlotte.
No, I wouldn't want to be like, "Drink your bottle, bitch!" That doesn't sound right.
- She's a baby.
- She's a baby, you dummy.
Hey, Tinas! Roll on down the river.
You're blocking my truck.
Rod Rockemoor! As I live and breathe! - Maggie Caruso? - Yes! What are you doing here? I thought you were just some old queen who wanted a chipwich.
No, Emma and I our car broke down, and one thing lead to another, and we're doing drag.
- We actually need a ride.
- Back away, you nasty queen.
We got nothing frozen for you here.
Oh, no.
Rod, it's me, Emma.
I know, and I don't like you.
Please, Rod.
I know this is crazy, but will you give us a ride? I have a boyfriend.
- Ooh, ooh, ooh.
- No, no, no.
Please don't.
What? Girl, get in here.
That's all you had to say.
- Whoo! - Not you! Just kidding.
Get in, you mangy queen.
So, Rod, how'd you end up driving a truck.
Called "Yas Dairy Queens"? You know, Maggie, after you friendship broke up with me - Sorry about that.
- It really opened my eyes that my UPS job was just feeding my gossip obsession.
- Can I have another King Cone? - No! Anywho, what I realized was that what I really loved - about my job was trucks.
- Wow.
Yeah.
I love driving trucks, packing up trucks, taking stuff off trucks, wearing an outfit that matches my truck.
Oh, my God.
This is so boring.
Oh, I'm sorry.
What's going on in your life that's so interesting? - I had cancer.
- Guh, talk about boring.
- What? - Hey.
Y'all settle down, okay? You know, I have to say, it is nice to see you two connecting over something other than gossip.
Ooh, which reminds me.
You're never gonna believe - who came in the ER last week.
- No.
- Yep.
- Shirley Lambert! - She had four ingrown toenails.
- Maggie, you're not supposed to share private medical information! - It's just her toes.
- It's because she's wearing those dirty flip-flops all the time.
And then putting them up on a wreath.
- Oh, God.
- You know, that abomination is still up on her door.
Wait, nine months after the summer season? - Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my God.
She lives around the corner.
We should do a drive-by.
- A drive-by? - Yeah.
What about Simon? I thought this whole night has been about getting to Simon.
- Come on, it's Shirley Lambert.
- And as Miley Cyrus says, - it's not the destination - It's the ride.
- Ooh, are those Laffy Taffys? - No, ma'am! - Ow.
- You got to cut - this dead weight.
- You shouldn't say "dead.
" - I had cancer.
- Oh, let it go! There it is in all its glory.
"Better Homes and Gardens" called.
They want their idea back.
From 1982.
Okay, guys, this was fun, but can we get a move on before someone sees us? I know we're reversing the curse, but I don't want to push it.
- I got to have that wreath.
- What are you talking about? I don't know why, but I got to have it.
Hey.
Don't You are a mother and an upstanding member of this community.
- What are you doing? - I am getting crazy.
- I'm letting the rough end drag.
- We just performed as twin Tina Turners.
Isn't that crazy enough? - Oh, my God.
It's hideous.
- I told you.
Please don't tell me she wore those flip-flops.
Every last pair of 'em.
Oh, I'm gonna be sick.
Help me steal it.
- Fine.
- Shh, shh, shh.
How does she have this thing affixed? Um, Shirley Lambert, you ever heard of a wreath hook? Oh, God.
Her toe jam's on me.
- Ew! Uh! - Help me.
Help me.
Oh, no! Toe jam! It's all over me.
I love you so much.
Oh, my God.
What's happening? Are you crying? Why? What? I just I'm having a really good night, and I'm really glad that you're alive so that we can do these dumb adventures together, 'cause I didn't know if we would get to have anymore, you know? Wait, were you really worried I was gonna die? Yeah, dummy.
You had cancer.
Of course.
I was terrified.
Get over here, you old queen and give me some love.
- I love you so much.
- I love you.
Rod! Shut it off! - Rod, no! - I don't know how! This is a new truck! Why is this happening? - Oh, God! - Go, go, go! - Shirley alert.
- I got to get out of here.
I can't go back to prison! - No, no, don't! - Rod! Aah! - Rod! - No! Aah! Congratulations.
You have reached Lift Off.
So, wait, the last course is air, is it? No, sillies.
- Oh, cotton candy.
- It's "Semen"! - Ooh.
- He's got to stop saying that.
- Enjoy.
- "Danyoy"? Why is he so cross all the time? - I don't know.
- He's just angry with us.
What have we done? Oh.
Hold on.
This is work.
Oh, wait, wait.
This is weird.
Check this out.
I just got an APB saying that two drag queens in an ice cream truck just stole a wreath from Shirley Lambert's door.
That is very specific.
- Hello.
- Hello, friends.
- Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Maggie.
- Yeah.
- Are you all right? - Feel feeling great.
Sorry we're late.
Did I just get an APB on you two? We're not speaking to anyone until we have our lawyer present.
- Okay.
- Also, you should know, a gentleman offered us $45 For the use of our bodies.
Wait a minute.
Were you soliciting sex, guys? Come on.
When have you ever gotten offered money for your body? - That is not a lot of money.
- Can we leave? Let's get out of here.
Wonderful.
Aw, look at that little peanut.
- Oh, my God.
- You know, if she wakes up and sees us in these wigs, she's gonna be scarred for life.
Terrified.
- Oh, I just love her so much.
- Me too.
Hey, when we tell her the story about tonight, - can we leave out the part - Oh, I'm absolutely telling her - that you broke the law.
- Hey.
- Don't try to censor me.
- Why don't we just tell her about how I fixed a flat tire dressed as a man? Don't tell me how to tell my stories.
Okay, well, I know you're gonna embellish it.
You know what? This is the one time I don't have to embellish it 'cause you're actually that crazy.
- You're the crazy one.
- No, you're the crazy one.
- You are - No, no, hey! Don't drop a nail in that crib.
- Shh.
Shut up.
- Shut up.
I love you, baby girl.
Okay.
Night, night, Char-Bar.
Your two crazy mamas love you.
Okay.
'Cause we're rolling.
Said we're rolling - Rolling - Rolling - Rolling - Rolling on the river Rolling on the river