Please Like Me (2013) s03e08 Episode Script

ANSWERPHONE: Hello, this is Josh.
I am unavailable.
I am too busy.
I am too busy for you.
(Beep) Yeah.
Hi, Josh.
Um, I am aware that I agreed we wouldn't see each other again, so this is slightly embarrassing.
What seems to be happening now though is, I've had this little thought that what might be just wonderful is if I could in fact actually see you again, knowing full well that you have a boyfriend, so this is a selfish call.
I guess I've weighed up how selfish I'm comfortable being versus how much I do in fact want to talk to you.
I think what I'm saying now is I want to talk to you quite a bit.
Full disclosure, I've had a pretty full-on headache all week, and it's not looking optimistic.
I'm in hospital.
The glass-half-empty and glass- half-full part is my mum's tears.
I realise that makes me a far less attractive prospect than your boyfriend, and I would advise against seeing me.
I have chlamydia.
- Again? - Again.
- Ok.
So we're doing this today? - Yes.
- Have you been to the doctor? - No.
- How do you know? - I just know, ok? - Ok.
Have you told Ella? - No.
- How will you tell Ella? - Ok, so here's the thing.
- Here we go! - Here we go.
(Laughs) Here we go! So before we had sex, Ella did a very responsible thing, where she asked me when the last time I'd had a sexual health test was.
As you know, I've never had a sexual health test, so I said, 'Last week.
' Here we go! So here's what we're going to do.
- 'We?' - Yes, we're a team.
- Like Siegfried and Roy! - No, not that type of team.
Like Milo and Otis! You only have to take one pill, right? - Right.
- So we'll go to the doctor, I get the medicine, but I do not take it.
Like Simon and Garfunkel! I go to another doctor, I get the second dose.
I take one, and then we sneak the other one into Ella's food - and disinfect her.
- Tom, that is crazy! (Laughs) ok, I admit, as it came out of my mouth, it did sound crazier than it did in my head.
Alright! I'm in.
Thank you.
Ooh Yeah, I'll be fine Ooh Yeah Ooh Oh, yeah Ooh Oh, the good Lord knows it Ooh I left better behind to be Fine Yeah, yeah Make my mama turn another blind Eye Yeah, yeah, yeah Eye Yeah, yeah, yeah I left better behind to be fine.
- ANSWERPHONE (Man): Ben.
- (Woman): Is not available.
At the tone, please leave your message.
(Beep) Ben, hi.
This is Josh.
I'm a little offended that you're so surprised that you want to see me again.
Ah, and a little bit not sure what you're asking me, 'cause you're saying you want to see me again, but then you're saying that you're in a hospital.
Are you asking me to see you again in hospital? (Line rings) - Mae! - You never call me.
Yeah, well, also, you never call me.
So whatever.
I need you to babysit Grace tonight.
Yes! Grace wants to come visit! No, I'm making dinner for your dad.
I'm going to try and convince him to forgive me.
I don't want your life story, Mae.
Just bring little Grace and whatever hilarious, tiny outfits you have after 5pm.
Ok.
Thank you.
You need to drink more water.
I'm always telling you that.
I have nowhere to put it.
Why would they put it in a clear bag? - Are you ready for a blood test? - Yes.
Again? The last doctor penetrated my penis.
- He went inside my penis.
- (Sniggers) Then this doctor didn't penetrate my penis, so I know that wasn't entirely necessary, now I'm a little bit confused about what I've been through.
I'm going to sneak Ella's pill into her tagine.
I've thought about it, and I've decided it's fine.
- We're having tagine? - Yeah.
Mm.
Well, can I at least pick the prettiest piece of parsley? Um, ok.
Do you know what I'm done with? I'm done with feeling insecure when cool kids make me an espresso.
Screw them, they don't get to make me feel insecure - with their asymmetrical hair.
- (Knock at door) Ladies, ladies! - Hello, Mae.
- Josh! I've been thinking about it, and I'm sorry, you're right, - I should have called.
- It's ok.
- I'm in a hurry.
I have to go.
- First, tell me how you are.
Such a mess, just so bad.
Your dad is really punishing me.
Yes.
Let's have a dance.
(Switches on record) [Music plays When by The Kalin Twins.]
- Oh, no.
Ah, ok! - (Hums along) (Laughs) ok! What do you think, Gracie, huh? Oh, ok! Ok, you can go.
Fine, go.
Go! - Give me the baby! - Ok.
- Bye-bye, my Gracie! - (Grace cries) Oh, Gracie.
Actually, you love me! Actually, you love me.
- How's it going? - Not well.
She's settled in.
She won't leave the kid 'cause she's so fucking delightful.
What do we do? I don't know what to tell her.
I'll think of something.
- The pot's boiling over! - Take it off the heat.
- You told me not to interfere! - Calm down.
Mm.
So today I met this lady who reckons that she kept her goldfish alive for 16 years.
That just can't be possible.
Either it's bullshit or she's a witch.
Oh, no, she was a witch.
I met a witch, and I fucked up.
How? What were you supposed to do with a witch? Magic.
So guys, I have something to tell you that I've been a bit too awkward to tell you about.
What? Um, so it's not a big deal, ok? - It's disgusting, but it's not a big deal.
- What is it? - I have worms.
- Worms? Worms? Yes.
Why are you telling us this? You don't have to tell us everything.
Because if I have worms, maybe they're in the house, their eggs are in the house, and we all have to take medication.
How the fuck did you get worms? You know, I don't know.
I don't know how I got them.
How do you know? What does it feel like to have worms? I just I just know.
You're fucking disgusting! You are fucking disgusting.
No, it's normal.
Things like this happen.
- There's no shame.
- Really, normal? Tom, why are you ok with this? Why don't you have the decency to act as if you're grossed out? - Arnold's being really quiet.
- No, it's fine.
Just tell me what I have to do to get rid of the worms.
We just all have to get treated, otherwise they'll keep on living.
We need to wash all the sheets.
We don't have to wash all the sheets, do we? I just changed my sheets! - Won't they be in the food? - They're not in the food.
Why did you wait until dinner? You've held onto this all day? Sorry.
I just don't think we can eat it.
Arnold's right.
We can't eat it.
We can, because we're going to take the medication later.
- Do you have the medication? - Yeah, er, Tom.
I need you to stop knowingly eating worm eggs, mm-hm.
I don't have the medication.
You are right, I probably should have the medication, but I don't.
I will go and get the medication as soon as Grace leaves.
Oh, no.
What are we gonna do about Grace? - Grace is fine.
- No.
You have to tell your dad that you gave her worms! - I'll google what to do.
- Great.
- I will get the medication after dinner.
- No! We're not incubating worm eggs for another few hours so you have have dessert! - Fine.
- I'll get you some cash for mine.
No, no.
I'll take this.
My shout.
Special treat! Thank you.
Oh, Josh, can I please talk to you for a moment? Claire too, actually.
Are you eating off the microwave plate? Aren't you impressed I found a clean plate? We really need to wash some dishes.
I keep waiting for one of your manic episodes.
I put those mouldy pots in the freezer.
That should hold them at bay for a couple of days.
- Looks like you guys need a hand.
- Stuart! For What are you doing here? I wanted to come and apologise.
- Ah apologise? - Just want to say my piece.
Ok.
I'd offer you a cup of tea but we're all out of cups.
And salad bowls.
And enthusiasm.
You fucking dorks! Look, guys, I hear you, I do.
I just really think everything's gonna be fine.
All you had to do was put it in her food.
Yeah.
No, that's the problem, the method.
The method he is using to drug your girlfriend.
I am a hero.
I have taken the most incredible fall for you.
- You're enabling him! - You couldn't handle the fact I had the idea.
So you had to change the idea to suit you.
No, it's a good plan.
Worms is worse than chlamydia.
- Is it, is it? - Nah.
Just tell her the truth! Not now that I'm lying for Tom, 'cause then Arnold will find out and he'll realise what kind of people we are.
Do you actually have worms? Is this your sneaky little way of putting your worms on my shoulders? I don't know why you two don't just date each other.
- You make a beautiful couple.
- 16 years for a goldfish? Wow! It's very obvious you guys are talking about me.
- We weren't.
- No.
You're blaming the worms on me because I'm new here.
Definitely not.
I really don't think I gave you worms.
- Neither do we.
- I'm sorry if I did, though.
I still think it's a good plan.
Me and Hazel did split up, but then her mum died and she was so upset, and I'm all she had, so I took her back, and I know that was a mistake and I know it was unfair to you, but I couldn't bear to see her that upset.
That's very sad for Hazel.
Yeah, it was very sad.
So, have you got anything else to say? Just that I'm sorry.
Well, that's done, then.
No, sit down.
Sit down.
I'm not a bad guy.
No, I think you're fine.
We've finished.
You probably should go.
No, I'm not done.
I'm not going anywhere.
Stuart, you have to go.
How long are you going to do this for? Till you forgive me.
Alright.
- What are you doing? - Come on.
I'm not going.
I'm not done, Rose! I just want you to forgive me, Rose.
- I forgive you! - That was insincere.
- I forgive you! - (Sighs) You're really starting to bother me now, Rose.
I'm not a well man.
You need to be very careful here.
(Line rings) ANSWERPHONE: Hello, this is Josh.
I am unavailable.
I am too busy.
I am too busy for you.
(Beep) Josh, at the point, to be honest, at the point when I was accosted by your awful voicemail greeting, I hadn't resolved my intentions as well as you might have liked.
Now it seems I've made the same mistake twice.
I don't know what I'm saying.
I suggest forgetting I ever called, and maybe having a chocolate biscuit or something.
(Line rings) - ANSWERPHONE (Man): Ben.
- (Woman): Is not available.
At the tone, please leave your message.
So I think what you were trying to say but you're too scared or perhaps just too exhausted because of the way you speak is that you're not sure whether it's worth seeing me again.
But you're worried you might never get an opportunity to find out in the light of day how disappointing my face actually is.
Does that, ah Does that sound about right? Where have you been? Grace won't stop crying.
I was just putting the bins out.
Hi.
She's fine.
She was crying so much.
I promise, she just stopped.
I wish she was crying.
I'd get to pick her up, have a little Grace time.
I'm really very worried about Grace.
- Worms love babies.
- Really? Is that a thing? - Everyone loves babies.
- Maybe your dad should come get her.
No, I don't want to ruin his special night.
- We'll tell him when he picks her up.
- If she's got worms, your dad probably has worms too, you know? I wonder how there is anyone in the world that doesn't have worms.
You should call Tom and make sure he talks to the pharmacist about Grace.
Ok, yeah.
That's a good idea.
- Be silly not to.
- Yeah.
(Line rings) Phone's just ringing.
- Hey, buddy.
Hi.
- I'm properly scared at this point.
Am I going to jail? I feel like at least some part of today means jail.
I've accepted she's gonna break up with me.
That's done.
Now I'm trying to decide how to explain to my parents that I'm not going to see them for a while.
It might be a good idea for you to pick up baby worming medication for Grace.
It doesn't exist.
No, we don't need a treat.
Thank you for offering.
What a generous guy, what a good guy.
I can't handle this! I love you too.
Oh! Why'd you say no to the treat? I'm starving.
Fine.
I'll just go, then, will I? Ok.
'Ok?' That's it, then, is it, 'ok?' 'Nice knowing you?' Is there something wrong with you, Rose? - Is something wrong with your head? - Yeah, there is.
That's how you guys met.
Why can't you see that I'm a good man? - What do you think we should do? - He'll wear himself out.
I'm seconds away from blowing my top here.
Seconds away! - Think we should call the police? - No, he doesn't need to go to prison.
(Line rings) (Phone rings) It's Rose.
You'd better answer it.
- Hello, Rose.
- Alan? Stuart's broken into my house and he won't leave.
What? Have you called the police? No, I don't want to get him arrested.
- What's happening? - Stuart's broken into Rose's house.
She sounds scared, doesn't want to call the police.
I'm not scared, I just want him to leave.
Ok, ok.
Let's go.
Do you think Ok.
We're coming, Rose.
We're coming.
Do we need this? - No, Alan! - I won't use it.
- Then don't bring it! - We might need it.
- You are not allowed to use it! - I won't.
Oh! (Phone rings) Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Josh.
It's Dad.
- And Mae.
How is Grace going? She is an angel! Look, Stuart's having some sort of sit-in at your mum's place.
She and Hannah are stuck there with him.
Oh, ok.
- Josh, is that your dad? - Yeah.
You have to tell him about Grace.
Tell what about Grace? Ok.
I have worms, and maybe Grace has worms.
(Girls laugh) Why are you telling us this? Just, maybe Grace has worms, and you'll have to get her checked.
- How did you get worms? - I don't know! Who knows? It's not like they were invited.
Ok.
We worm her, ok? - Great! - You'll have to wash all the sheets.
Yes, I know.
Ok.
There's no worms.
Practical joke.
What? - That's not funny, Josh.
- Wait, what, there are no worms? There are no worms.
Tom has chlamydia.
- Again? - Yeah.
How are the two related? Does he always lie? I thought he never lies.
Maybe that's the biggest lie of all.
What do you want me to do about Mum? I'm just ringing to tell you to keep you and Grace safe.
From the man at Mum's house who's not here at my house? (Laughs) Your dad is just calling because he is so excited he might get to be a hero! You know, it was probably John who gave us worms.
I'm sorry to say it, but let's be real.
- Hi, Grace.
- Why is he doing this? Do I get no say in whether my boyfriend tells people he has worms? This is the nicest thing I've ever seen Josh do for someone.
I'm telling you where we are so that if anything goes wrong, you can call the police.
Or maybe you could call the police now.
Your mum doesn't want to send him to prison.
Your dad brought a cricket bat, Josh! (Sighs) I'm not gonna use it! Bye, Joshie! (Laughs) It was definitely John.
I've seen him licking Josh's face.
- He's licked all our faces.
- It wasn't John, was it, buddy? I can see it in his eyes.
Dead giveaway, John.
Dead giveaway! Tell you what, Stuart, I'll forgive you very sincerely if you clean the kitchen.
These pills couldn't look any less alike.
How is this supposed to trick her? Just tell her we took ours already.
What was the point of me going to the pharmacy again if she won't see them? I had to get them to check out the back.
- I want to take them.
- Then you have to pay for them.
Josh didn't give me enough money.
- Did you guys take them without me? - Yeah.
- I thought we'd do it together, no? - Yeah, you're right, sorry.
We should have waited.
Josh, could I have a little sip of your beer, please? Only the dead have seen the end of war.
It's a Plato quote.
(Phone rings) ALAN: Hi, Rose.
He won't budge.
I don't know what to do! We're ten seconds away.
- STUART: Who's that? - Alan, my ex-husband.
Oh, no, it isn't.
I told you not to push me! What now? - What are you doing? - He's running at us.
Get out of the car and protect your wife like a man! What do we do? - Get out of the fucking car! Out! - I don't think I should get out.
Don't get out of the car, Alan.
I'm surprised this is the first time they've met.
- Fucking come on! - It's going really well.
Get out! - Oh, Jesus.
- Out! - What do we do? - Get out! Um, ask him to get off? Stuart, mate, can you get off the car? Not until Rose comes and talks to me.
- Get off the car! - You shut up! - Don't talk to him! - Why? Ok.
I'm just going to take him down the street.
Rose, meet me at the kerb.
- You are not a stunt driver! - We can do this.
Oi, what are you doing? Alan? Alan, don't mess me around.
Alan! Oi! What are you doing? Just stop there.
Just stop! We're on the road! Alan, you prick! I want to talk to Rose! Hey! Slow down, you fucking lunatic! Thanks for this, Alan.
Hi, Mae.
Oh! Tossers! Poxy tossers! ANSWERPHONE: Hello, this is Josh.
I am unavailable.
I am too busy.
I am too busy for you.
(Beep) Josh? I think you might be spot-on.
I, ah, I'm tempted to say you don't have to, but now you've backed me into a corner and I don't have much to lose, I'm just going to say it.
Come see me at the hospital before my aneurism operation, or you'll look like a proper douche.
- ANSWERPHONE (Man): Ben.
- (Woman): Is not available.
At the tone, please leave your message.
(Beep) Um Ok, ok.
Yeah, I'll come.
Sex time! It's sex time.
No.
No, not tonight.
I'm just really spent.
You're spent? No, Ella, I'm too tired.
You're too tired for sex time? - I'm just - I'm offering you sex here.
Ella, I just don't feel like it.
Ok.
Well, how about, I'm going to break Harold's legs - if you don't sex-time me? - Don't, don't.
Oh, Tom, why would you do that to Harold? I loved Harold! - Now you know this isn't a game.
- Ella! - 3, 2 - Stop.
Ella! Just listen.
I have chlamydia.
Oh.
Why didn't you just tell me? 'Cause now you're going to break up with me.
- No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.
- Why? - Because of the time I lied about having a sexual health test because I couldn't be bothered going across the road to buy condoms.
Oh.
Dammit! Now I have to get angry at you, and I don't want to, but I have to as a way of respecting myself.
The frustrating thing is, I don't know what to say because I can tell that you already know how bad what you did was.
Did you get symptoms? Did it hurt? Were you really scared? Ok, good.
Well, if you're in pain and fear, I don't have to be as angry at you.
It felt really bad.
I'm not going to break up with you, but I need to make sure that you know that doesn't mean that I don't value myself.
I value myself, ok? The reason I'm not going to break up with you is that I too have lied to people for my own selfish reasons.
I'm just a better liar than you, so I got away with it, ok? I understand why you lied, but I don't like it, and if I was the type of person to get angry, this is a situation where I might slap you or maybe scratch your neck, ok? - Ok.
- Ok, good.
- I'm really sorry.
- Mm-hm.
I do have good news.
What's that? I already disinfected you, and you don't have worms.
- That pill was chlamydia medication? - Yes.
- That's clever.
- It wasn't my idea.
I need you to know that while I'm touched by the gesture, what you did today was very, very sneaky.
- Oh, no! - And I will get my revenge.
- No! - How did Tom ruin it? I wanted to have sex, and there's a seven-day window where you're still contagious.
We did not think this through at all! No.
- Hey, Josh? - Yes, Ella? Can you feel my possibly contagious vagina pressing against your homosexual thigh? Yes.
(Whimpers) I have exacted my revenge.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Oh, no! When When you smile When you smile at me Well Well, I know Our love will always be When When you kiss When you kiss me right I I don't want To ever say goodnight