Portlandia (2011) s03e08 Episode Script

Hi, my name's Matthew Let me show you how it works.
making the smoke alarm go off Are you gonna run? He'll run.
Sorry! Bye! Okay, that's it, and now I'll go light the incense stick, and we'll all watch.
Dude, Matt.
What the heck is this? - It's my rube goldberg machine.
- It's my rube goldberg-- look, I have a girl in there with no parents home.
I need the incense.
Chase, if you step one more pace closer, I'm going to light myself on fire.
Relax, dude.
Nobody's getting near-- - What the heck? - It's starting.
Aah! Chase, when are you coming back in the house? Uh I'll be in in a second.
Wait, is that a rube goldberg machine? - Who built it? - Me Soft opening, hon.
Good job, hon.
We're in business.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Thanks for coming.
This is our "B" and "B".
Welcome to the Quilted Tea Kettle Inn.
- Oh my gosh.
- Very nice.
So official.
And this is a soft opening, so, you know-- It's free? - It is free.
- It's free.
But you know, you just give us your notes and-- - Told you it was free.
- Yes, well, I didn't know.
- Thanks for asking.
- It's just for you guys to let us know how we're doing, so we can change anything before it gets official.
- Well, when do we start? - Start with signing in.
- Okay, sorry.
- Please sign in.
- I'll sign in here.
- All right.
Love it already.
Right, well, I'm going to stop you there.
And what you've done there is you've put things in the wrong place.
So, address.
"Love it already.
" Well, you don't live at "love it already," do you? And your remarks are "Donald.
" So what do you think of the place? "Donald.
" Well, that makes no sense at all.
It's okay.
Let me show you right to your room.
- Thanks so much.
- Thank you so much.
Oh, look.
Looks like you got a good comment already.
Hi, guys.
Hello, welcome.
- Come on in.
- This is lovely.
Thanks for letting us practice on you guys.
Tell me a little bit of something how this bed and breakfast works.
What is that about? It's like you're staying at someone's house, but it's a hotel.
Then in the morning, you come down, we make breakfast, and-- our breakfast is 8:00 AM to 8:30 AM.
- Well, okay.
- We can live with that.
It's just stress-free.
You know, this is going to give us a little romantic time together.
So we get a chance to rekindle the old fires and kick the tires, you know.
The opening will definitely not be soft.
- You can believe that.
- Oh, my goodness.
Ronald! Well, Peter will show you to your room.
Okay, we'll just follow you.
They sleeping? Hey, you guys doing all right? Having a good, comfortable sleep? Oh, hey.
Uh, is there anything I can get you guys at all? Oh, I stayed at a bed and breakfast once in Nantucket.
And they had towels folded into the shape of animals.
You could do something like that.
- Make wash time fun.
- Okay, okay.
There is no request that we cannot handle.
- Right? - Right away.
Honey, we've got to make this good.
They're going to be so impressed they aren't gonna wanna use these towels.
A bunch of wet guests coming down.
Let me design it in my head first.
Okay.
And just think what those comments are going to say.
- Let's start over again.
- Let's start over.
I want our reviews to be good.
I'm going to do a snail.
Oh, listen to that.
I think that's Stu and Donald going at it.
I think you're right.
See you at breakfast time bright and early.
Oh, that was a joke.
I was doing Dracula.
Hon, we've got this.
This is going to be a good soft opening.
All right, guys.
So, for August, we're doing the man issue.
- Yay.
- We want a cover story, a profile.
I think what we should do is we should find one man in Portland, that is living his life in a way that we think embodies manhood.
I will say I was at a party the other night.
And everyone was talking about TV, and this guy's like, "I'm not watching TV anymore.
I actually started making furniture.
" And here's a guy that used to work at an office, and he's really embracing masculinity.
Yes, please.
I wanted to actually ask you - about your boyfriend, Caleb.
- Uh-huh.
Is he still making furniture? - Yes.
- You are really lucky.
Thank you.
We're looking for something to outfit him for a photo shoot that they're doing later this month.
On the front cover of the Portland Monthly.
Wow, congratulations.
He makes furniture.
- Oh, cool.
- Yes.
Somebody that builds furniture could build your whole house for you.
And then he could build all the furniture to go in the house.
He could build the crib for the baby, and then he could even build our caskets for our funerals ahead of time, you know? I mean, I want the furniture guy.
Of course he had a girlfriend, you know.
Of course.
That-- your shirt would go great on it.
That-- your shirt would go great on it.
It's a lavatory vanity box.
I have to saw into that a little bit more.
It's not finished.
I got to varnish it and get a bigger hole to get the Oh yeah Hey, I'm Royce! And milk is back! The newest one is cookie milk.
It's milk made from cookies.
Turn your nose up at your mom and say, "hey, you know what? I'm out of here, 'cause it's cookie milk time.
" What? Cookie milk time.
Mmm.
- Muscles.
- So aggressive.
And also for fine dining.
Pour yourself some cookie milk.
All right, here's the elephant.
I could do this one for Let's go to sleep, hon.
- Sleepy time.
- Hey what time is it, though? - It's ten to 8:00.
- Wait, what? Oh, Peter.
We stayed up all night.
We have to make breakfast, Nance.
We were supposed to have breakfast ready.
We got to do it.
We have to go do it.
- God damn it.
- Fuck! - God fucking-- - Fuck! - Ah, God-- - Damn it! Where's the milk? Where's the milk? - What time is it? - It's 8:00 right now.
I don't know what we're going to do.
They're still waiting on everybody to come in.
- What time do you have? - I don't know where they are.
Um Have you come far, either of you? No, we live about five, ten minutes from here.
- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.
- You're Portland based? - Yes, Portland based.
- Maybe we can go have some breakfast at yours.
- We may as well, because-- we're sitting right here, we're not going to get anything right now.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- Get it together.
- You get it together.
- Oh, you get it together.
- Okay, we'll both get it together.
- Nance? - What? Are they done? - This isn't even on.
- What? Peter! By the way, are you guys brothers? Peter, just keep smiling.
No matter what you do when we go out there-- it doesn't matter if we go out at 9:30, - just keep smiling.
- Shh.
- What? - Goddamn it! - Peter - We have plenty.
Don't yell at me.
You little shit! - All right, we did it.
- All right.
Good, good.
- We are hungry.
- We made you breakfast.
- Here's the coffee.
- We are starving, too.
It all looks good.
- All right.
Finito.
- All right.
We might take a little nap.
- Enjoy your breakfast.
- Yup.
You know, we were really interested in that jalopy ride.
You know what would look good in the brochure? - Jalopy rides.
- Jalopy rides, great.
- And we definitely want to do the couples massage.
- Absolutely.
- Oh, I know something for the brochure.
- Hmm? Couples massage.
- It's fine.
No one's going to get it.
- Okay.
You guys can make that happen for us? You think you'll like that jalopy ride-- around the city? You just do the jalopy ride, and I'll do the massage.
- Okay.
- Okay? - Cannot wait to drive you.
- Fantastic.
We get to keep these, right? - Enter, comrade.
- Come on in.
Welcome, all of you, Rose City steampunks, to the 37th annual "OreCon" convention.
Glad we all made it, got some new faces, some familiar ones.
Ramon, how are you? Uh, I'd like to point out also Ramon has a zoetrope he's introducing.
It's a little bit of animation that goes on in his hat.
And I think we got a really good rate on the hotel.
- We got a really good deal on this room.
- Oh, sorry.
I didn't-- yes.
So this is me speaking as me.
But right now of course I'm introducing myself as Captain DD Cumulus.
I, of course, am Lady Opal Night Stream.
But you guys might remember me.
I'm Cindy.
Just in case you guys wanted to find me on Facebook.
- Cindy.
- Mm-hmm.
Lady Opal Night Stream.
Maybe we'll just hold off on that for a little while.
But that's great.
We've got some great little inventions.
We fight with invention.
We fight with ingenuity.
Why are you doing that? Our plot today is to rescue a damsel in distress.
You guys remember Susan from last year? So this year she decides to attend a fan fiction critique with her new friends.
We really liked having her around, and she was great and she helped with some of the you know, van rentals and stuff, so we should get her back.
Now when that wind gets in our faces, those goggles come down and they cover our eyes.
Now this mission requires all of your concentration and-- will you would you mind turning that off, please? Just there you go.
Now I'm very proud to be with all of you.
Do you know what I mean? Hey.
What did I just say about the light? Anyway, pinkies up.
I expect the best from you.
- Full steam ahead.
- Full steam ahead.
Full steam ahead.
All aboard.
Ahoy.
Oh, my God.
Well, hello.
I'm Captain DD Cumulus.
Lady Opal Night Stream.
Hi, I'm Ellen from Earth.
We are on a mission to rescue our comrade.
We're taking an airship to rescue her.
An airship? The SS Isabella.
What kind of gas mileage do you get? Gas? Hey, Eric, I think we're going to have to let you go.
You're a brilliant inventor.
I wish you could invent a part of your brain that doesn't hit that gun all the time.
And listen, I'll write you a recommendation.
Yeah, feel free to use me as a referral.
Telegram her or morse-code her or whatever.
I will text you my number.
That is pretty fun.
I get it.
Let's go! As he felt her petticoats, the buggy bounced and the horse Susan! Susan, come with us.
Can I help you? Oh, um, we're here for Susan.
Hold on, can we just-- Susan, come on.
Susan, it's me, Cindy.
Remember when we played Settlers of Catan and you wore a bustle? For the SS Isabella-- Susan, when you look at the North Star, remember us, remember us.
Remember us! Susan! Truth is stranger than fan fiction.
There's no release on this massage, right? It's just a regular massage, right? This is a oh, I didn't ask.
Oh, um hi, guys.
- Hello.
- Here we are.
You ready for a massage? - Very much so.
- Oh, yes.
Can't wait.
Do you have any allergies to oils? Is that Peter or Nance? It's Peter.
Oh, sorry.
I love this tour, though.
- Do you guys feel like royalty back there? - I do.
You feel like royalty? Uh, here we go.
You know, Peter, there's no music.
Can you sing maybe, or hum? It's actually very nice music.
At the wine and cheese event, is there going to be pepper Jack there? The wine and cheese.
Wine and cheese tasting.
No one's going to show up.
- Yeah, at 4:00, right? - Yes.
Hello? - Nance.
- Hi, hon.
We forgot about the wine.
Of course.
It's at 4:00.
We're gonna just make a fun little stop - and get that wine.
- Don't forget the cheese.
Okay, okay.
That actually feels very good.
I can't even feel anything.
- Oh, honey.
- I'm so sorry.
You know what? You guys just relax.
Just relax.
Yeah, we've never been to a soft opening before.
Does this happen regularly? Should we get out before this car catches on fire? I think it's going to be okay.
Don't worry.
- She said it's cool.
- What is she doing? I think she's trying to find a ride.
- Mm.
- No, she didn't.
Oh, look.
Someone's coming to help us.
This is what I call a good jalopy.
So what do you think of our soft opening, huh? I call it a modest triumph, my friend.
Peter, is it supposed to burn? Are you burning? No, I was just wondering if it's supposed to.
A trip to Italy.
What? Me and you are going to Italy.
When? Today, tonight.
That's crazy.
Okay.
Wow, really? - I just thought, like, "ugh, let's just--" - Whatever! Okay! Isn't this only your third date with her? Yeah, we went on a couple dates, - it works.
- Two dates.
Now, this is like a romantic move.
I mean, are we going to keep going on these little dates? Like, go up to Mount Tabor and have a picnic.
I want to like, take a chance.
If you want to take a chance - Don't worry.
- Okay.
Okay, I'm going to send you pictures.
- Both of you, right? - Yes.
No, I wish someone would invite me on a trip to Italy.
- You got everything? You look really cute.
- Yeah, yeah.
You should get some sleep.
I can't sleep on planes.
I don't want to sleep for to long when we get in 'cause there's like a lot of activities and stuff.
I'll be fine, I'll be fine.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Italy.
- Mm.
Uh-oh, checking passports.
I hope you haven't done any crimes.
I did bank robbery.
Oh, really? - You're such a funny guy.
- Yeah.
So your sister, you were saying, - is from Vermont, right? - Yeah.
Yeah.
So nice.
It's really pretty.
Hmm.
I guess this is the bathroom.
Maybe stand on the toilet to go to the shower as well.
- They should put the lamps in there.
- Right? I'm really tired, is that okay? - Sleep time.
- Okay.
And then we'll both take a shower-- I'm kidding.
- No.
- Yeah.
- I'm not there yet.
- No, I know.
- Yeah.
- I was totally joking around.
We can rent Scooters too.
Some of-- my friend told me you can rent Scooters.
It's fun.
Vespas.
Brad? - Oh.
- Brad? Oh.
I didn't know you were awake.
- Are you peeing? - Yes.
Oh.
I'm hungry.
Maybe we could get some food or go for a walk or something.
It's pretty late at night.
Oh, my God.
Is it 3:00 AM? Wait a minute.
It's Sunday, right? When does our flight leave? The flight is at 6:00 in the morning.
We have to leave like in an hour.
Right? It's Sunday.
- I slept through the whole day and the whole night.
- Yeah.
Why didn't you wake me up? Don't be mad at me about it.
I tried.
I mean like you were out, out, out.
This is very badly planned.
We have like an hour.
Do you wanna-- should we, like, make out? I'm not really in the mood.
These tickets, by the way, it was, like, six grand.
What's wrong with you? - Hey! - Hi, welcome back.
Wow.
- Wow.
- What are you looking at? Oh, my gosh.
Your photo album.
Oh, I should take those down.
- Really? - Mm-hmm.
Everyone on the internet, they're not having as great a time as you think they are.
I guess people are just cropping out all the sadness.
All right, I'm gonna go scream into my pillow for a little while.
How's the wine and cheese party going? You didn't get wine.
No.
- Cheese? - No.
Because of that situation with the breakfast, I'm not actually expecting any wine or any cheese.
The thing is I don't drink wine, I'm allergic to cheese, so I came in the hope that there wouldn't be.
Where's the wine? I couldn't get it.
The jalopy broke down.
Oh, it broke down? Are you okay? I'm fine, but it's not going to happen, the wine and cheese.
They're going to give us the worst comments.
It's just-- we're not cut out for this, Peter.
"Horrible" has two Rs? Two Rs, yeah.
Horr-- horr Yeah, you know, we had a good run.
And we did our best, and look, we learned a lot.
- Let's tell them, let's apologize.
- Yeah.
Okay? We'll just fess up.
Nance and I just want to formally apologize to you.
We're really very sorry.
We're going to shut down the business.
We obviously don't know how to run it.
We just-- we feel like we're just not cut out for this.
It really hasn't been that much of a disaster.
We had a great time on the ride.
On the jalopy ride and everything.
- Really? Wow.
- The night was fantastic.
This is a whole new approach, and I love it.
- Are you just being nice? - No.
- No, no.
- Can I say something? - Yes.
- I had a horrible ba-- back.
And then the message-- Massage.
- Massage.
- "Changed my back, and made it a better back.
" I'm just going to fix everybody.
Wish I could fix myself.
"I'm fixed.
I'm fixed.
" That's it's unbelievable.
And the vomiting that followed the breakfast was a part of it.
It was a sort of cleansing.
We didn't have enough coffee for you.
- I just feel like we really let you guys down.
- What is coffee? I don't want some black drink-- no offense.
None taken.
What about the wine? I think you offer something unique.
- You guys did a fantastic job.
- Yes, you did.
We did it.
We just lost sight of what a "B" and "B" is.
It's not about perfection.
No, all the little disasters, it was part of the charm.
Even when we were down in the dumps in the kitchen, I never stopped loving you.
It's those green eyes, Peter.
I wish I could see them.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Mm.
Well, I think we should raise a glass.
To our host and hostess.
Nance.
What kind of furniture do you make? Tell her about it a little bit.
Uh, just sitters, basic bench chairs.
- Uh-huh.
- Front chairs and down chairs.
Up chairs, mid chairs.
- Cool.
- Uh, I got a circular.
Those are real tough to do, 'cause the trick is you gotta-- but, uh, a couple circular sitters.
- Yeah.
- Rounders.
- Wow.
- Have you ever been with a guy who makes furniture? - No.
- It's really fun.