Reno 911! (2003) s03e08 Episode Script

- The white zone is for immediate loading And unloading of passengers only.
- Got a fellow in the hospital here waiting For a liver transplant.
Organs should be arriving at any moment.
Come on, come on.
Ah! Whoa! Here we go.
Ho! Ho.
Ho.
Ok, I got it.
Trudy, you stay and fill out the paperwork.
- No, jim I'd like to handle this.
I know exactly what to do, jim.
Go to st.
Mary's hospital-- - check.
- Go to the fourth floor, icu, ask for dr.
Peterson, Tell him we have an o-positive liver and we need to Get it there stat.
- My god.
That was great.
Go! Go with god.
Go! I'll do the paperwork.
Ok, she's on it, guys.
Well done, gentlemen.
- The white zone is for immediate loading And unloading of passengers.
- Oh, fuck.
- Jim, I'm sorry.
I forgot everything I just said.
by mtv networks - What? - Come on.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! [electric sizzle.]
- Whoa, whoa, oh! [siren.]
- Morning, gang.
- Ho.
- Morning.
- Everybody sounds fit as a fiddle this morning.
Travis, you had an announcement you had To make or something? - I did.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls Monkey jiz.
Straight from the orient.
- Oh, I heard about that.
- What are we supposed to do with that? - Where'd you get that? - Start the biddin' at $35.
- What am I gonna do with monkey jiz? - 37.
- 37.
- Uh, the end of the table seems to know what it does.
- What are the applications of monkey jiz? - 38.
- 38.
- They must be good.
- 41.
- Oh, hell.
42.
What does it do? - 44.
- 50.
What does it do? - Is it like for wrinkles? - 60.
- 61.
What does it do? - No.
No.
- 75.
- Do not just stick things in your mouth.
- What are we at? And what does it do? - We're at 75.
- We're at 75? - It's still warm.
- That was from my pocket.
No, I got it mail order.
- How do you know that's authentic and not fake Monkey jiz? - Oh, that's authentic.
You know that.
- $200! - 200.
- 225.
- 225.
- 250.
What does it do? - 300.
- 301.
- 301.
- 325.
- 350.
- 350.
- Where'd you get it? - 375.
- Big korean section manager.
- 385.
- 382.
- 382 goin' once-- - 385.
- 387.
What is it? - 401.
99.
- 402.
- The price is right for the jiz.
- 402.
Goin' once.
- That's a week and a half-- that's 2 week's-- - That's 3 weeks' pay.
- Sold! Kimball.
You can just write me a check.
- Okey-doke.
Everybody knows that the new liberace box set's coming Out, right? - Who? - Anyhoo, his piano, liberace's piano--on tour.
Comin' to the washoe mall.
- Just the piano? - Yeah! Whoa, go back.
Just the piano? - Why isn't heWith it? - He died, like, 150 years ago.
- He'd be a little stiff at the keyboard.
- He's dead? - Oh, me.
- You're already on it.
It's you and garcia.
- That's inside the mall.
It's climate-controlled, right? I'll do it.
- Anyhoo, moving right along.
- I hear that monkey jiz, it's very assertive.
- You want to tell her? - Seriously, what does it do? - Welcome to the force.
He's goofin' you.
It's his.
- Yeah, it's mine.
- Whoo! - You've been jizzed by junior, honey.
- Rookie, rookie! - You just paid $402 for junior jiz.
- April jiz.
[classical music plays on piano.]
- Hey, not too close.
- Keep movin', now.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey! - Don't touch the piano, sir! Sir? You can look, but just don't lean over The rail, ok? It's funny how something With lights on it Will attract these people.
- You know you're solids, right? - It's made of glass? - No, it is made of genuine Diamonds, 2.
75 karats, Why he gave it to me? 'cause it's Monday.
Or that's what he said.
He goes, "happy Monday.
" - And you got this from that hot tub guy? - The hot tub guy.
The hot tub king.
With 4 stores in nevada.
- Oh, yeah.
I've seen his picture.
- He makes so much money, I cannot even tell you.
And this is someone I haven't even slept with.
- Why don't you sleep with him? - He's 74! - Oh, he doesn't have a penis? - We have a message for clementine johnson.
- ♪ oh, my darling, oh, my darling ♪ ♪ oh, my darling clementine ♪ ♪ will you please be mine forever ♪ ♪ marry me, my clementine ♪ [giggling.]
[gasps.]
- Hello! Barry?! - Uh.
- Uh, fuck yeah! Fuck, yeah, I'll marry your 74-year-old ass! Oh, my gosh! [horn honks.]
Oh, that's got to be him.
[honking.]
Hang on.
Barry! - Here we go again with her and the weddings.
[horn honking.]
- Aah! Aah! - Clem? - Clemmy! [clementine sobs.]
[cop gasps.]
- Barry, don't be dead! Don't be dead, barry! - I got no pulse.
Oh, man.
- Barry, go away from the light! Come back! - He's dead.
- I command you! - Well, you came real close.
- Yeah.
- Why don't we, umCall the coroner, get him to bring The meat wagon around here? - Don't.
No, don't, don't, don't.
Not yet.
Not yet.
- Not yet? We got to.
- What are you thinkin' about? - If I stay a fiancee, this is what I keep.
I've always wanted to be a widow.
You help me, I help you.
- We scratch your backWell, what are we talking about? - Hot tubs all around - Yes! - Well, what are we talking for? [jazzy tune plays.]
- Ok, you know what? Ok, let me tell you something.
Ok, 3 times I wished in my head that the piano would Play something different, and it played it.
- Ye-ah.
It's on a loop.
- I wish this beautiful piano would Play something romantic.
[song ends.]
[pretty song begins.]
Did you see that?! - UhYeah - That piano is magic.
- Ok.
- It's magic! - Hey, you know what? I got a weird thought.
I wish I was wayne newton sittin' in the pool by The mirage and a beautiful woman dropped out of the sky And brought me food on a big old platter.
- You know what? Be careful what you wish for.
You know what I'm saying? Because this pian-- - Hi.
Complimentary hot wings? I'm tammy from hotties.
- Hey.
- Open now on level 2.
- Ok.
- 1, 2.
Go.
They asked you to leave 3 times.
asked you to leave.
- Ok, but I have to tell you-- - I'm sorry.
Come on.
Jail time.
- Here we go.
- No, no, no.
We're goin' to jail.
- I just have to do something, ok? - What do you have to do?! - I have to change my boots! - Don't change--they're dangerous.
They are dangerous.
- I have to take off my shoes.
- These shoes are real pretty.
- Ok.
I'm putting these in here.
- Wait.
Hold up-- I just want to put-- - Come on, come on, come on! - Get up! Missy! Missy! - What? - You are not wearing any pants.
Now, you-- - Can I put my pants on? - Yes, yes.
You can put pants on.
Yes.
- I want to pick out which one.
- How 'bout this? - I don't want to wear those! - Which ones do you want? - I want to wear the ones The ones there - How 'bout these? - These are--these-- - Noooo!! They're my fucking boyfriend's! - Hey! Hey! Hey! These.
- I don't want to wear those.
- That's real pretty.
- I don't think this is mine! This is fucking charity's! I don't want to wear her stupid skirt.
- Panties.
Wait a second.
- This is on backwards.
- Oh, no.
There you go.
- Aah! - Now, come on.
- Wait, wait, wait.
I forgot something.
I forgot something! - What did you forget? What did you forget? - My cell phone.
- Where is it? - It's in the bar.
- In the bar? Are you lying to me? - Oh! No, you did not! You come back here! - Can I smoke a cigarette? - In the car you can.
- But can I smoke one first, 'cause I just have to wait For--I'm waiting for a phone call inside.
Do you have a light? - Yes.
Of course I do.
Now, are we gonna be good? Are we gonna be friends? We're not gonna run and we're not gonna puke, right? [chatter over police radio.]
- No, no, I-- no! Son of a bitch! She tricked me! It was a trick! She's a little fucking genius! - Boy, that sure was a good opera.
- I'll say.
But it doesn't take A m-mozart to figure out that GettingBack to our limo in this bad neighborhood might be A little dangerous.
- Good thing we wore our - Police tek 2000 Bulletproof vests.
- Stick 'em up, you two.
- Oh, my god.
- Go ahead.
Shoot away.
- [groans.]
fuck! - I didn't feel a th-- [gags.]
- I didn't feel a thing.
- Always wear a police tek 2000 bulletproof vest.
- Now in a slenderizing girdle cut.
- Oh! Perfect.
- Sorry.
- That was gorgeous.
- Shh! - Can't evenStand up in his own yard.
Lay him down gently.
Oh! Ha ha! - Hoo hoo hoo! This is what I'm talkin' about.
- That's what I'm talkin' about.
- Oh, my god! This is like the garden of fucking eden.
- I know.
So this is what we need to do.
We need a judge.
- UhJudge peterson, down circuit court.
Two cataracts.
- He's blind.
Yes! You'll pick him up? - I'll get him.
- Ok, you get him.
- You have a wedding dress? - I do.
- Where is it? - It's in the back of the squad car.
- What? - You have a wedding dress in the back of the squad car? - Oh, always.
Always.
You know, I'm always prepared.
I also have a saddle and a bee-keeper's hat and a couple Of, uh, flower leis.
- Huh - 'cause you just never know, right? - Half the time, I get stuck without a tampon.
- Watch this.
I'm wishing that the piano Would play somethingMexican.
[song ends.]
[begins playing tango music.]
Ha ha! I didn't even know if it was really gonna do that, And it did it! - Yeah.
- That's crazy! - Yeah, well, let's drop the balloons.
It played something mexican.
Wow! Start the fountain.
- It started as soon as I said it! - Son, would you get down off that Railing, please? - See what I'm saying? As soon as I said it, boom! What? - That's just called coincidence.
Man! God, I wish that kid would get off the railing.
- OhOh! [thud.]
- Holy shit! - What did you do?! - I got an 11-charlie! Washoe mall.
We need a paramedic! Ma'am, keep your kids away! - I just wanted to remind you that Friday night is The candlelight vigil for melissa curvie, Who's been missing now for 6 days.
So just, um, you know, come on down.
There'll be snacks, and it'll be a good time.
- Thank you--um Thank you very much.
I do want to talk to y'all about drugs, but I think one Thing that sniffy and I know that a lot of people won't Tell y'all is that when you first do drugs It's real nice.
But here's the thing, kids--it doesn't stay that way.
Imagine that sniffy is drugs, uh, andI first, uh I first meet him-- Hi, how you doing, sniffy? And we are just sweet on each other.
And we're walking down the street, and then all Of a suddenHe gives me a good night kiss.
Well, that's just wonderful! And I'm feelin' great now and I want a little more of that Is what I want 'cause that just felt so nice.
So we kiss A little more And that just feels great, too.
I feel so pretty and smart, and so we kiss a little more And, uhAnd he starts acting a little angry at me and, Um, and that's when it starts to turn real bad.
And that's when you-- Should--get off of me-- But he just doesn't seem to be cooperating.
And that's when you know that drugs just really aren't Worth, uhTheWhat-- We didn't--no, it's over.
No, the thing is-- - Oh, my god! - Stop! Help! Help! Get him off of me! Get him off of me! Get him off! - Ramon, get off! - Get him the fuck off of me! - I am really sorry-- - Do you do a background check on these people?! I want you to get backstage right now! - Man has 5 tuxedos.
5.
- 5? - 5 tuxedos.
What'd you do if you had 2 million? - 2 million? - Yeah, 2 million bucks.
Boom.
Here's your check.
Ed mcmahon drives up.
- First tell my family to fuck off.
Then I would, uh - You can do that right now.
- Well, they're kind of helping me out.
- Oh.
- Then I'd, uhI don't know.
Maybe get some plugs.
Always wanted cornrows.
Maybe go toFrance.
- France? - Yeah.
- Get cornrow hair plugs and go to France? - Yeah.
- God, sometimes I don't even know you.
You know, if I had $2 million, I would get me one of them Pontoon boats on lake havasu - Yeah? - Eddie money'd play at my birthday party.
Lake havasu.
Can you imagine the tail you would get If you had eddie money play at your birthday Party on lake havasu? - ♪ here comes the bride ♪ - Oh, wait! He ain't supposed to see ya.
He ain't supposed to see ya! - Ha ha ha ha! [somber classical music plays.]
- Uh, tango, uh This is, uh Garcia and williams.
We wanted to check on the status of our faller here At the mall.
- Oh, yeah, that kid.
Uh, critical but stable, they're saying.
- Garcia was the one that wished it to happen! - No, I did--I did not.
That is not true.
Dangle, I made an aside.
I said I wish he would get down off the railing safely, And the child fell.
- Did you say that by liberace's piano? - I just said-- - Yes, he said it right by the piano.
We're standing right by it.
- That's not true! Ok? I didn't say anything and I didn't talk about anything.
- Well, you know they say it's cursed, right? There's whole web sites about it.
There's liberacescursedpiano.
Org.
There's cursedpiano-- - You see that? - How do you know-- - Do you see that? Do you see that? - You're gonna blame it on me? - No, I'm just saying--he said There's web sites, and people don't lie on the internet! - Ok, you know what? You're makin' weird wishes.
He's saying there's things on the web about liberace And stupid people doing-- well, you know what? I'm tired of it, ok, williams? I don't believe in this whole stupid queer-ass gay liberace Piano bullshit! [somber music continues.]
- That was for you! Oh, my god! We are soWe are-- He is sorry! He is sorry.
We love you.
- Here we come! - Oh, good.
Good! Thank you.
- Look who I found! - Look, honey, our life can start.
Our life can start.
- How you doing, judge peterson? - Good.
Good.
It's good to be here.
I know the hour is late, but we'll rush through this.
- We appreciate it! - Oh, good, 'cause we can't wait to get married.
Isn't that right? - We're gathered here this evening to bring together These two kids to embrace the bonds of holy matrimony.
UhYou have rings? - Uh - Rings, please.
[whispering.]
- Oh, w-got them right here! - There they are! - Oh, barry, that is such a beautiful ring! - As you exchange them, please, if you have any vows You would like to say, anything you would like to Address to each other, please do it.
- UmClementine, you're-- [deepens voice.]
Clementine, you're, umBeautiful.
You alwaysSmell great.
And I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you And give a lot of money to you.
- BarryWe've got a bond, you know? And you were not the first by any means andI mean, I'd be A liar to say you are gonna be the last, you know? But, um, you're here now.
And so let's just make the best of that now.
- Then by the power vested in me by the state of nevada, I now pronounce you man and wife.
- Yeah! - Yes! Thank you! - Clemmy, you look heavy when you're--turn sideways.
You look--no, you look heavy.
Straight on you look heavy.
Sideways like this.
Silhouette.
Exactly.
No, get in there, junior! - No, I'm--where? That don't make sense.
- You look shell-shocked.
- Will you take the fucking picture? - Take it!! - Happy wedding! - Yay! Whoo! [piano plays somber music.]
- Ok, I don't know.
It's justYou know what? I just want it to end.
I wish somebody would just come by and just take that Damn piano out of here! - Hey.
We're here for the piano.
- Oh--d--he--eh--uhh! - It's been a strange day.
This thing has been playin' Everything that we've asked it to.
- Who was playing it? - Well, the piano was playing by itself And then he just wished for you to come And then you came, but-- - That's not a player piano.
- Say what? - It's not a player piano! It's liberace's piano.
Think he'd have a player piano? [men chuckling.]
Of course it's a player piano.
- Once again Miss fortune has humped my leg.
Guess who's not a widow? - He's still alive? - He's--no.
He was married already.
Had never gotten a divorce.
Yeah.
His wife lives on a houseboat On the colorado river 6 months out of the year, so - Hey, remember when I said that Rapes were down in the holding tank? - Yeah.
- Typo.
Not.
Are not down.
- Oh, I thought that was missin' a 1.
- 17 seemed real light.
- Seemed real low.
- 'cause every time you walk by - "help! Please don't rape me! Please don't rape me!" - Yep.
by mtv networks Captioned by the national --Www.
Ncicap.
Org-- - Seems like you practice saying that sometimes.
Do you? - No, it's just something that I--I Wake up saying it out of my--sometimes out of my-- - Your night terrors.