Rick and Morty (2013) s03e08 Episode Script

Morty, hurry! Return the Truth Tortoise! Morty, whatever you do, don't drop the Truth Tortoise! Also really important, whatever you do, don't look into its eyes! I I did look at it, Rick! I've been looking at it! Now you're gonna know everything, Morty! Good job! Way to go! You [BLEEP.]
everything up! It's in my head! Ah! Oh, geez, I I can't get that Truth Tortoise out of my head.
Yeah, I told you not to look into its eyes.
Hey, Morty, let's watch some interdimensional cable.
Remember how we used to do that? Rick, I can't I can't go on.
I-I can't go on like this with the Truth Tortoise shit in my head.
I-I wish you could just Erase the memory from your mind? How did you know I was gonna say that? Come on, Morty, come with me.
After you.
What the hell is this?! This, Morty, is my archive of all the experiences you've begged me to remove from your life, lest you go insane.
I call them Morty's Mind Blowers.
And we'll be doing this instead of interdimensional cable.
How long have I been asking you to remove memories? Since the first time your mind was blown.
Ahh, here it is.
Classic.
There's no dust on it because this isn't the first time we've done this.
- What?! - I call this one "Moonspiracy"! Huh, wow.
That's incredible.
What the heck? Morty, do you realize how ridiculous that sounds? Yeah, pretty crazy story, Morty.
Are you serious? Half the crap we've seen, and you think that sounds crazy? I've been to 300 versions of Earth's moon, including this one, and I've never seen signs of a "regular dude," as you describe him, hanging out up there.
It's probably just a smudge on the lens.
Smudge on the lens? Smudge on the lens?! I know the difference between a man threatening me and a smudge on the goddamn lens, Summer! Morty, calm down! Are you feeling okay? I'm fine! So sensitive.
Kids, I'd like to introduce you all to our new guidance counselor, Mr.
Lunas.
I look forward to helping guide you all towards a brighter future.
I believe every student should shoot for the moon.
Got you now, you son of a bitch.
What's this? Proof that Mr.
Lunas isn't who he says he is! He's not a guidance counselor? I I assume he's qualified to be one, who isn't? But he also lives on the moon.
Okay.
Hmm.
Is that it? Is he doing anything to hurt anyone? Oh, he's up to something.
I think I understand.
"Up to something," "lives on the moon.
" Okay, I'll talk to him.
What did he say? Denied the moon stuff, but that's what pedophiles do, they deny, it's their bread and butter.
Pedophile? You don't think so? I thought the moon thing might have been code.
No, he's literally from the moon! Well, you saw him react.
Moon or not, that dude likes 'em young.
Gordon Lunas was a good Marine.
We don't know what drove him to take his own life, but we want to remember the good things.
Like how, from a certain angle, some people would say he looked like a smudge.
Oh, my God, what have I done? What have I done? Jesus, I made that guy kill himself! Only in a literal sense.
Here's one I call "Morty's Menagerie.
" They don't all have titles, though.
It's not a "Simpsons" Halloween special, more like a clip show made of clips you never saw! I can't believe we got put into a menagerie.
So this guy collects living beings? Yeah, you know like commemorative plates, but less off-putting.
You'll get it when you're still actively dating in your 40s.
Assess this with cold indifference, you beany-headed prick! Hey, keep it down! Just our luck, menagerie beneath the "boulder people" of Granitor Seven.
I can't take it anymore, Rick! Relax, Morty! I can't relax! R-R-Rick, we We gotta get outta here! I don't care what it takes! Anything! - Anything? - Anything! All right, well, you're gonna have to take off your shirt.
Not yet.
I'll tell you when.
Dear God.
What? The signal turned out to be There's no other way to put it Instructions.
For? A vehicle, sir, an interstellar vehicle.
We'll need a pilot.
I wonder if there's a volunteer.
Mm.
Oh, the schematics specify a second, smaller pilot.
I mean, they really specify smaller.
They have to be exactly 5'3".
Chang, you may have majored in Liberal Arts, but I think you're about to make history.
Primary systems, check.
Auxiliary systems, check.
See you soon.
Okay, now.
Greetings.
You're You look We've possessed forms your mind can accept.
Here are some customary clothing gifts.
Please, put them on.
- May we? - Of course, yes.
We followed your instructions.
We have so much to learn from you.
I know, right? Hey, how come I was able to see those other people's memories? I I wouldn't have been around for that.
Yeah, sometimes I gotta do a little editing, Morty.
It helps the mind blowers play a little bit better upon revisiting.
I call this one "The Whole Enchilada.
" Here, Morty, this'll make your urine drinkable.
Now can we keep shopping? I am Zikzak.
Ah, shit, Morty, get behind me.
It's a [BLEEP.]
alien overlord! It's okay.
Here.
Oh, I misjudged.
"I am Floop Floopian.
Please kill me.
" That's right, Morty.
The Floop Floopians achieve an eternal orgasmic afterlife, so long as they're killed by a great warrior.
I'm flattered, by the way.
Thank you very much.
So you're gonna kill him? Eh, let's get some lunch first.
So, you want to get shot in the head, or Well, as long as the wound is fatal, I don't really mind where you shoot me.
Cool.
I'm gonna go take a quick shit.
Well, I gotta say.
You know, I'm a little envious.
Your species has an actual afterlife.
That's gotta be nice.
Wh-What do you mean? Well, you know, here on Earth, w-we don't know what's going on.
It must be nice for you guys to, you know, have that Have that proof's in the pudding, you know, evidence.
Evidence? There's supposed to be evidence? Um, yeah, uh otherwise, how do you know if it's true? Wait, you don't All right, so you want to do this here or outside? Run! I don't wanna die! Oh, God, it's all real! Oh, it hurts! Oh, I shouldn't have doubted it! I shouldn't have let you make me doubt it! Aah! I blame you, I blame you! But he said there wasn't any evidence! That was a ton of evidence! Well, silver lining.
Now I know their religion's real.
They have a hell, and it does not look good.
I noticed you never finished your chimichanga, so I got some room for it now, if you know what I mean.
Holy [BLEEP.]
! How many of these are just horrible mistakes I've made? I mean, maybe I'd stop making so many if I let myself learn from them! Don't break your back creating a lesson, Morty.
It's a freeform anthology.
I'm getting annoyed you're not hearing that.
As you can see around me, your mind's been blown countless times, and not always by yourself.
Ah, [BLEEP.]
, I don't even This better not have been a good one.
What is this? Great, "Booger AIDS," "AIDS Booger.
" I gotta start using real file names.
In the meantime, enjoy a grab bag of mind blowers I call "Poop AIDS underscore copy.
" I'm not an unreasonable man, Beth Smith.
I know children are everything to a mammal.
I will spare one of their lives.
You simply have to choose.
Summer! Summer.
You're not gonna believe this.
I went to Phoebe instead of Titan.
It's, like, hello, Saturn, after ten moons, time to stop naming and start numbering, you know? What's Wh-What's with you assholes? Morty, please, don't do this.
Your Morty is gone! I am Voltamatron, Destroyer of Worlds! Grandpa Rick, there must be some scientific way to save him! Not scientific, but there may be a way.
Morty, I know you're in there.
It's me, your grandpa.
I know I can be mean, but I love you, Morty.
We all do, you gotta fight this thing.
I know you can.
You're stronger than all of us! Morty, it's mom! We love you, you have to fight it! Come on, Morty! Fight that stupid worm thing! We love you! We love you so much! Yes, Morty, come on, you're doing it! You're doing it! You're doing it! Should we pull it out? No, don't touch it.
Just keep loving Morty! We still love you.
But I do have a thing at 6:00.
Oh, God, do I have to keep looking? Geez, Morty, come on, pinch it off already! Don't! Oh, God, sorry, Morty, I love you! God, is there going to be an intermission? Excuse me, but I ordered the large evil space worm.
I know, it's like, is that a demon slug in your stomach, or are you just happy to Sorry! Well, I guess it's nice to know the whole family sucks! So if the blues ones are my fault, and the purple ones are my family's, what are the red ones? Yeah, d-don't read into it, Morty! Ahh.
[BLEEP.]
We need to find shelter before the sunset, Morty.
Venzenulon Nine has a night temperature of 300 below! We'll freeze, Morty! W-We'll be dead in seconds! I I think I saw a cave over there.
You've seen too many movies, Morty.
A cave isn't gonna cut it.
We're gonna have to use Beebo.
Beebo led us to water! He's our friend! - He won't even feel it! - Oh, no, no! You wanna die, Morty? Get in Beebo! Oh, no, no! Brace for the ice limit.
Here it comes! Wait, are we on Venzenulon Nine or Venzenulon Seven? Wait a minute, why would I ask for that to be removed? Are the red ones stuff you wanted removed? Ooh, that's clever, Morty, but I don't use color to sort things because I'm not a mouse in a European children's book.
Then why are all those pink ones by the liquor? Liquor? [Bleep.]
, that was close.
We lost Captain Sky.
He gave his life for the uprising.
Yeah.
It really makes you think, huh, Morty? We should never take things for granite.
- What? - I'm just saying, life's short.
We shouldn't take things for granite.
- Are you saying "granite"? - Well, yeah.
It's "granted," with a "D.
" Take things for granted.
Did you actually think it was Jesus Christ, Rick, what are you, a boulder A rock person? How long have you been saying that wrong? Oh, you like that, huh? I b-b-bet that really blows your mind.
I mean, yeah, it's kind of great.
- You want me to erase it? - What, you can do that? Ah, [BLEEP.]
.
I [BLEEP.]
knew it, you piece of [BLEEP.]
! You You You're a [BLEEP.]
asshole, Rick! Take it easy, Morty, come on.
Just relax.
No, I'm not gonna [BLEEP.]
relax! Come here! Let go of me, you little bitch! I'm gonna grab you by the scruff of your Take that! Ohh! - Umm.
- Umm.
Uhh.
- What - What's going on? - Where am I? - Who are we? Who am I? I think I'm an adolescent boy.
Huh, and I'm an elderly man.
And we appear to be in some kind of secret confined space.
Yeah, umm Don't look at me like that.
For all we know, you could be the [BLEEP.]
weirdo.
Huh, these things are obviously storage units, and since we can't remember what went wrong, my guess is that the technology involves memory, and that this thing on your head is designed to Tell us the code, jagoff! It's pointless.
He's stonewalling.
Rick, if we don't unlock those vaccines, Earth dies! You know, it might be time to step up your interrogation! Not sure what you're implying, Morty, but some lines I don't cross.
Yeah, well, I crossed every line I had when this bastard tried to kill Jessica! Okay, see those two fleshy sacs under his chin, Morty? Grab 'em.
You remember the codes now? Twist! Give us the codes, man! Twist harder, Morty! Harder! Okay, let go, let go, let him breathe.
He wants to make a deal.
Half the codes now, half after you finish.
But can we trust Wait, what? F-Finish what? Y-You know I thought I was torturing him! Oh, and this disappoints you? Do I tell him we don't have a deal, Morty? Because if we can kill our enemies, but we can't jack them off, then how are we better than them? Well, what did you find out? We're partners, I guess, and we fight aliens, like "Men in Black"? "Men in Black," "Men in Black.
" I have "Men in Black 2" in here.
So So you get the general idea.
Not quite.
It's basically an endless string of callbacks to All right, save it for Youtube.
I'll keep looking for clues.
What are you doing? You want your shelf level or not? And if I say yes, you're gonna provide that for me with that? Yes, see the bubble? I'm familiar with the bubble, Morty.
I also dabble in precision, and if you think you can even approach it with your sad, naked, caveman eyeball and a bubble of [BLEEP.]
air, you're the reason this species is a failure, and it makes me angry! You're drunk.
You want to put up a shelf, put up a shelf.
You want to experience true level? Do you? Y-yes.
Ugh, all right, come on.
Wow, it's so Oh, oh, oh, oh, my God, oh, Christ, ooh, ooh, ooh, ahh.
Oh, yeah, true level, bitch.
Morty, come on, we're leaving for school.
Oh, everything's crooked! Reality is poison! I want to go back! I hate this! What's his deal? Can't live like this! Shh, shh, shh, shh, Morty, Morty, Morty.
Go to school, Summer.
I'll go in Morty's memory and do a little Lambs to the cosmic slaughter! Well? You seem to be in charge of what I get to remember.
Why? Good question.
Morty, I need darkness to prime these optical inductors.
Hit the leftmost light switch by the door for me.
The left.
Okay, lights on.
So, did I just hear three distinct light switch clicks? W-W-What do you mean? I feel like the three sounds I heard could be explained by an initial erroneous flipping of a switch on the right followed by a hasty, corrective flipping of the requested switch.
Then during the resultant darkness and silence, a third, shameful unflipping of the initially flipped switch.
Is my assessment accurate? Yeah, that's that's basically how how it all shaked out.
I'm sorry.
Ugh.
All right, come on.
What?! Come on! Grab a shovel.
W-What is Grab a shovel! What was that? I can't find a goddamn zip tie anywhere! All right, [BLEEP.]
it! Ahh, zip tie.
Why are you making me do this for you again? Who doesn't wish they could talk to animals, Rick? Most humans! There, I'm done, just stay out of trouble! Gotta keep moving.
Can't stop.
Up, down, down, up, up, up, down, up, stop, down.
The queen needs food.
The babies need food.
The queen makes babies.
The situation in Argentina has proven less convenient than predicted.
We'll have to re-destabilize their economy, refocus labor class outrage from upper to middle, foster a coup, and install a compliant regime.
Same as Guatemala? Yes, but you can double time it.
We need a quorum to pick a new pope, in case the Exxon/Monsanto thing falls through in Africa.
Why not use chemtrails? Put a canopy on Uganda.
They're set to agitate any mo What? That kid is watching us.
So, we're squirrels, he's a kid.
He's watching us like he hears what we're saying.
Hey, kid.
Young man? Come here, little boy.
Tell Daphne to run a 199 on a possible Dolittle.
Little boy! We'll give you wishes if you can hear us! We can make you fly and get candy.
Oh, [BLEEP.]
! Oh, [BLEEP.]
! [Bleep.]
me! [Bleep.]
me! Rick! Ah, [BLEEP.]
, Morty, what did you do? All right, Morty, pack your shit! That's only gonna keep 'em down for a little bit, Morty! You [BLEEP.]
with squirrels, Morty! We got a good five minutes before they're backing up on our ass, Morty! We have to pack up and move to a new reality, Morty! You know I said we could only do that a couple of times! We're [BLEEP.]
over here because of these damn squirrels, Morty! I don't know what my reaction is, but I think I'm mounting in suspicion of you.
- Well, what are you gonna do? - I'm gonna remember everything! Everything! Yeah! Ow! Ah! Ow! Well, what'd you find out? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you gonna do, kill me? No, I'm not gonna kill you.
I'm gonna kill myself! All those memories just erased! Sitting in this room collecting dust! W-What's the point of going on if most of everything that happens just ends up sitting in here? All right, kid.
I don't know much aside from the fact that "Men in Black 2" is a joyless cash grab, but I do know that whatever you have brewing around in your noggin really connected with you.
I can't deny that, and I can't deny that I'm inspired by your passion.
I want in.
Suicide pact! Yes, yeah, let's do it! Together, you old son of a bitch! On three! One Two You guys doing Morty's Mind Blowers? Morty's Mind Blowers? Grandpa, is this scenario three? Uh, w-what's that, and w-who are you? Oh, man, it's a scenario four.
Ugh, [BLEEP.]
goddamn it! I don't get paid enough for this shit! There's a Craftsman nearby.
I can smell it.
Whoa, what what Can I help you? H-How did we fall asleep during interdimensional cable? - Yeah, what the hell, Summer? - Summer, you dumb bitch! How long were we out, you dumb bitch! How much interdimensional cable did we miss, you stupid bitch! How many improv TV shows with commercials did we miss, Summer? Why did you let us fall asleep? You dumb bitch! You stupid bitch! All right, Morty, [BLEEP.]
this noise.
Let's get out of here and go on a classic Rick and Morty adventure.
Yeah, right, Rick, I'm allin.
No wonder you're constantly fighting with each other and behind schedule.
What? Nothing.
Rick? Hello? Just here for my putter.
Jerry's Mind Blowers? Follow the boys! We're charged and aimed at Alpha Centauri, ready for transport.
They fell for it! Let's send Gobo home! All right! - Where's dad? - He should be here any second.
It's funny, Jerry spent his life seeking attention, but in the end, humanity's instinctive dismissal of him saved an alien's life.
He knows where to go, right? Yep, any minute now.
Did it work? Did you guys get Gobo home? You have Gobo! You were supposed to bring him to the hill! As if.
He was in your basket.
He was in your car! Oh! Oof! Dibs on his stuff.
Did yoof that?