Silicon Valley (2014) s03e08 Episode Script

1 From "Bloomberg West" in San Francisco, I'm Emily Chang.
General Keith Alexander is here to tackle tech's role in counter-terrorism, but first, a quick glimpse with Richard Hendricks, founder and CEO of the hot new compression platform Pied Piper, and Erlich Bachman, Chief Visionary.
Oh, Emily Chang, it is just splendid to be here with you, at historical Pier Three, with a breathtaking view of the (SPANISH ACCENT) Embarcadero Center and the flag of (SPANISH ACCENT) San Francisco.
Now, Richard Richard actually developed this technology in my incubator.
I am listed-- I was originally listed under the white pages as "Erlich Blachman," uh, with an "L," a typo that apparently couldn't be changed, and then Google indexed it, so I've been dealing with that.
Richard, Pied Piper has taken off like a rocket.
More than a hundred thousand installs in just ten days.
Is that right? Uh uh, yes.
Pretty amazing.
And you have a last-minute invite to the "Vanity Fair" Summit dinner tonight.
Quite an honor for such a young company.
Richard, maybe you can comment on this one? Yeah, we are the-- finally the-- the belles of the balls.
(LAUGHS) I mean, uh, ball.
Now, some people are calling you the next unicorn.
Have you guys thought about that? You could have a billion-dollar company.
Erlich, you could own five percent of a billion dollars.
Uh, ten, actually.
ERLICH: Richard, this is boring.
- Shit.
- RICHARD: No, no, no.
He was-- he was an early investor.
Again, it's Erlich Bachman.
If you Google that, it'll say, "Did you mean Erlich Blachman?" You can click on that link, it'll give you the correct results for Erlich Bachman.
Should we take some calls? We don't do that here.
I just know what I saw, Richard.
No, come on.
Look, she's married, she just had another baby.
If you pushed a little harder, you could have scored right there on camera.
- You should get her phone number.
- Shut up.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh.
This is actually, uh, Jian-Yang pranking me.
I should take it.
Yes, of course I have frog's legs.
Why do you ask? Are you serious? Have you honestly still not told him that you sold your shares? You can't keep lying to him like this.
It's not technically a lie.
My shares don't transfer to Raviga until the next board meeting.
Come on, it's been ten days.
I know, I know, but, you know, the TechCrunch thing came up and then there was the Reddit AMA and, you know, now this Bloomberg thing.
And besides, let's be honest, Richard shouldn't be in the public eye without me along to help.
Did you see the skeeved-out look on Emily Chang's face? I thought she was going to walk off set.
Erlich, you're lying to him, and you made me a part of it, so now I'm lying to him, too.
The longer you wait, the worse this is gonna get.
- All right, fine, I'll tell him.
- When? After the "Vanity Fair" thing tonight.
I mean, did you see the guest list? Monica, throw me a bone here.
24 hours, then I'm telling him.
- Fine, I'll tell him.
I'll tell Richard.
- MONICA: I'm serious.
- Tell me what? - MONICA: I'm not joking-- Um, it was, uh, Jian-Yang.
He said to tell you that Phillip McCrevis left word.
Oh, who's "Fill-up My--" Oh.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYS) Richard, we'd better get our asses in first fucking gear if we want to make it to this "Verge" photoshoot.
Oh, shit.
That's today? Yes, I assumed that's why you're still - wearing your Bloomberg makeup.
- No.
No, I was just-- I kind of like the way it-- can we just push this to next week, please? They don't really do that.
Okay, well, can you go? Please? I just have a ton of work, and honestly I would be really happy if I never had to do any of this ever again and then you were just the face of the company.
You know what I mean? Oh, shit.
What-- what time is this "Vanity Fair" thing? It's tonight.
I figure we're wheels up by 6:00, then we can check into the hotel, shit, shave and shit again.
- Get a cocktail.
- What hotel? Eavesdropping.
Well, if you must know, we got a suite at the Fairmont, and they're sending a car.
I think Richard deserves it.
And then I figured tomorrow in the a.
m.
, we would sleep in and have a nice brunch.
I don't have time for a brunch.
I have to be back here.
Come on, eggs benny, a little spinach tartar, you'll flirt with the waitress.
Killer.
And, uh, we'll have a nice talk.
- Talk? What about? - You know, things, all sorts of themes.
So tomorrow, you, me, brunch and, uh, one word frittata.
Hey, fellas, is it me or is it a bit chilly in here? (CHUCKLES) What in God's name is that? What do you think it is? It's a jacket! (LAUGHS) Now, I only ordered one as a sample, but once I have your sizes, we can all have them.
Why would we all want them? One is already too many.
I don't mean in the house.
I mean, like, in the world.
Now Gilfoyle, I have you at about a 40 long? Am I right? If my mother was naked and dead in the street, I would not cover her body with that jacket.
(LAUGHS) Gilf.
Jared, now that you're here, we need two new tables in the game room.
Yeah? Okay.
Well, maybe against the doors? Oh, hold on, there's more.
"PIED PIPER: Because 'awesome world-changing compression company' would take up too much space.
" And you guys give me shit for a tiny gold chain? I regret nothing.
I'm going to get coffee.
Hey, Brownie, you coming? I was thinking we'd hit the Philz on Middlefield.
No, let's drive to the one on Forest Avenue.
It's further from that jacket.
Claude, you're on pager duty until we get back.
Jared, can I borrow that jacket? I sense you're doing something ironic with it, but I'm okay with that because however unattractive this jacket may seem to you, once you slip it on, everything will change.
It'll shake out its hair and take off its glasses, and before you know it, you'll be in love.
Jared, it's really fucking ugly.
GAVIN: Consider the tortoise.
As the fable teaches us, it may appear that he is losing in his race against his nemesis, the insolent and cocksure hare.
But appearances can be deceiving.
Gavin, the tortoise.
Is it Endframe? Yes.
But there's more.
The hare is Pied Piper.
Indeed it is.
Someone's read their Aesop.
We've also read the financials, Gavin.
Between Nucleus and Endframe, you've burned through three-quarters of a billion dollars, with virtually nothing to show for it.
Two weeks ago, on the heels of powering down the entire Hooli campus for seemingly no reason, you lost all of Endframe's senior engineers.
I grant you, we've stumbled on offense of late, but the best offense is a good defense.
We've taken a page out of Apple's playbook and are currently "reviewing" the Pied Piper app for sale in our Hooli store at a pace one might call "tortoise-like.
" Don't.
They hate that.
In any case, I have it on good authority that it may be some time before Pied Piper is available on Hooli OS devices.
- We're making it available immediately.
- Sorry? You're fighting a war that's already ended, Gavin.
Pied Piper won.
We called this board meeting to inform you that it's time for Hooli to let go and move on without you at the wheel.
I'm sorry, without me? (LAUGHS) Are you firing me? Our intention is simply to transition you into a more appropriate role within the company, one with less oversight of day-to-day operations.
You're putting me on the fucking roof? You could always choose to move on, Gavin.
Up to you.
I built this company with my bare hands in my fucking garage.
Where were you when I was doing that? Gavin? These animals? Fuck.
Well, uh, you are certainly more than qualified to be our new head of PR.
Laurie thinks you're great.
Um, to be honest, we could use the help.
All the media stuff has been pretty overwhelming, especially lately.
- If Marissa Mayer can do it, so can you.
- Oh.
(CHUCKLES) And, uh, you're available immediately? I am.
I do have one question for you guys.
Is everything here cool? Is it cool? Uh, yeah.
Yeah, I mean, I'm-- I'm cool.
- Yeah, he is cool.
- Uh-huh.
Clearly, but is there anything you guys want to tell me about the company? What, like, uh-- All right, look, this is weird, but when I was in Laurie's office yesterday, I saw a piece of paper on her desk.
Well, she-- she can be a bit untidy.
It was a sale of a big block of Pied Piper stock.
Is someone on the inside dumping shares right as you're launching? What? No.
No, absolutely not.
'Cause that would be a pretty severe signaling risk.
I mean, you don't have to be in PR to know that insiders only dump stock like that when they know something is wrong.
The bulk of my compensation here would be options, and if those aren't going to be worth anything-- Yeah.
No.
No, no, no.
That is not happening, okay? Nothing is going on here.
- Yeah, except excellence.
- Okay.
Well, you let me know what you want to do and I'll think about it.
Okay.
Oh.
Um, well, thanks for coming.
What the hell was that? Maybe it was a negotiating tactic? Monica.
It's Monica.
Well, let's not jump to conclusions.
I mean, she's the only one who's bought a jacket.
Jared, she's the only one who hates the platform.
There's no other explanation for this.
Okay? Monica fucked us.
She pulled down her pants and fucked us in front of her parents.
Did some-- Richard, did somebody do that to you? No.
No, I don't know why-- Oh, boy, it is chilly.
Good thing I brought this sweet jiz-acket.
Eh, friend? We came here together.
I know what you're doing.
You think you're embarrassing me, but that's only the secondary effect of that shitty jacket.
The primary effect is (EMPHATICALLY) that you look like a douchebag.
Let me put this in terms you'll understand.
I'm like a suicide bomber of humiliation.
I'm happy to go out as long as I take you with me.
Your shame is my paradise.
(CLEARS THROAT) S'up, ladies? What you noshing on? Cranberry scone? My friend Dinesh here has a little crush on you.
He's shy.
I don't know him.
Oh, he plays coy.
I don't know why he's so shy.
Excuse me.
I noticed your jacket.
Do you work for Pied Piper? - Yeah.
- Dude, your app is killin' it.
Everyone I know is installing it.
Do you seriously? I just downloaded it last night.
Yeah? Do you mind if we get a picture? - With me? - GIRL: Yeah.
Everybody get in.
If you want it.
(PHONE CAMERAS CLICKING) - Thanks.
- MAN: Thanks, bro.
Hey, man, did you remember to put money in the meter? Hi, I'm Dinesh.
I work at Pied Piper.
Excuse me, do I know you? Gilfoyle.
He's a fuckin' dick, but I love him, though.
You have me confused with someone else.
My name's clearly Jared, and if you would excuse us, you were interrupting.
No, he's lying.
His name is Gilfoyle.
Show them your driver's license.
Jared asked you nicely to step back, so step the fuck back.
You're being a dick, and you're cutting in line.
You heard him.
You're being a dick.
(MOUTHS) - Boy, some people.
- WOMAN: What a creep.
MAN: Sorry you had to deal with that, Jared.
GILFOYLE: You and me both, friend.
- (PHONE RINGS) - This is Monica.
Is it? Because apparently everything else that comes out of your mouth is a lie.
Shit.
Look, Richard, I totally understand if you're pissed at me, but please know that I tried as hard as I could to get him to tell you.
Oh, really? Well, that's not what he said.
Oh, really? What exactly did he say? He said that he found it on a piece of paper in Laurie's office.
What? Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on.
Who's the "he" that you're talking about? You know who.
David.
- My brother? - What? Who the fuck-- I don't know.
(LAUGHS) No, David, the fucking PR guy who's not going to take a job with us because of what you did.
Richard, I am totally lost.
What exactly do you think I did? You can play dumb all you want to.
It won't change the one thing that both you and I know is true.
You dumped your stock.
What? No.
I didn't dump a single share of my Pied Piper stock.
I swear.
Well, then who the fuck did? - - And make sure that the money reads.
I mean, Pied Piper is a billion-dollar company.
It's not just a unicorn.
All right, let's do some rearing.
There we go.
Now, let's let the horns sort of look like my dick.
Perfect.
- Are you fucking kidding me? - Richard.
Um, can we take a soft five? I was going to tell you.
That's what tomorrow's brunch was for.
Brunch? You had ten fucking days and you didn't say a thing.
Fine.
You want to know why I didn't tell you? Because it's fucking humiliating.
I'm broke, Richard.
Did you hear me? I'm broke.
Erlich Bachman, the name that used to be synonymous with success, went broke and was forced to sell.
- I got royally fucked, Richard.
- You got fucked? You're the one who threw a million-dollar party.
- Yeah, but it was a great party.
- No one forced you to do that.
Admit it, you fucked yourself.
But I'm not gonna let you fuck my company.
I'm going to have to issue a press release explaining what you did and why.
No, no, come on.
This isn't out.
- It's one PR guy.
- That we know of, Erlich.
How many other people saw that piece of paper? How many people has this guy talked to? This is Silicon Valley.
Rumors spread like light speed here.
How are we gonna get good people to work for us if they think something funky is going on with our stock? How are we going to scale? This is going to kill us.
Richard, do you know what happens if this goes public? - I'm Ron Wayne.
- Who? Ron Wayne.
The guy that owned ten percent of Apple and sold it in 1976.
No one in this town will work with me ever again.
You want me to risk the entire future of Pied Piper, everything that I've worked for, just to protect you from your own fucking incompetence? Richard, there's a three to four percent chance that this is going to get out on its own, but there is 100 percent chance that if you issue a press release no one will ever take me seriously again.
My dignity is in your hands, Richard.
Do with it what you will.
Gavin? Is that you? - Jack Barker.
- Nice plane.
- Yours too.
- Where are you headed? I just needed to take a walk and clear my head.
There's this great little hiking trail near my lodge in Jackson Hole.
Get out of here.
I'm on my way up to J Hole myself.
Is that right? I thought you sold.
No, I just never go there.
So how long you going for? Coming back tomorrow afternoon.
- Me, too.
- Oh, come on.
Come on.
Seriously, we need to find a couple hours, get together, catch up.
I could tell you some war stories.
Well, I'd love that.
I could tell you a few of my own.
(LAUGHS) Well, be well.
- You, too.
- Take care, Jack.
- Yeah.
- See you.
Gavin? Wait.
Uh, what are we doing here? I mean, you're on your way to Jackson Hole, I'm going to Jackson Hole.
You seem like you could use some company.
- You play chess? - I do.
Indeed.
Fantastic.
I tell you, when we get up to altitude and the Wi-Fi kicks in, I'm ActionJB62 on Hooli chat.
- Find me.
- I will.
- I'm glad we bumped into each other.
- Me, too.
- Really is a small world.
- It's crazy.
(BOTH LAUGH) Okay, well, uh, I think it reads well.
And it's all in there.
This will definitely set the record straight.
Then again, you're basically lighting Erlich on fire.
So what? He fucked the company.
He potentially fucked the company.
Are you kidding me? Wh-- Gilfoyle, back me up here.
This is thorny.
How is this even a question for you guys? Honestly? I mean, it's not like he's going to be out on the street.
He just sold ten percent of a company that's valued at at least 50 million dollars and now suddenly we're giving him the benefit of the doubt? Well, it sounds mighty Christian of you, Gilfoyle.
There's no reason for hate speech, Richard.
I can see by the sour, pinched expressions on all your faces that Richard has filled you in regarding the unfortunate circumstances that have forced me to relinquish my stake in your fair company.
Erlich, uh, you should know that I have written a press release.
- Oh? - I'm not going to release it yet, but if I hear wind of these rumors spreading out of control, I'm going to send it to every tech publication and blog on the face of the earth.
Do you understand? - Even UPROXX? - Yes, even them.
Also, uh this is the check for next month's use of the house as our office, but we'll be out by the end of the month.
Richard, it doesn't have to be like this.
From this point forward, you will have nothing to do with this company whatsoever.
I'm replacing you on the board, and I'm giving your seat to Jared.
- So that's it then.
- Yes.
So I guess we better get ready for that "Vanity Fair" event.
What? Did you not listen to a word I just said? I heard thousands of words about rumors and the need to contain them.
What do you think would happen if I didn't show up to this "Vanity Fair" event? I've already RSVP'd and given them a list of phony dietary restrictions just to cause a scene.
I told them I was pesca-pescatarian.
Which is one who eats solely fish who eat other fish.
I think my absence would be noted.
- Erlich brings up a good point.
- It's true.
Let us not forget Meinertzhagen's Havers-- Yes, yes, Meinertzhagen's Haversack.
We all remember his sack.
(SIGHS) Okay, fine.
Yeah.
Sure.
You can come.
I can't stop you.
Uh, I'll be taking the car and the hotel room and you're going to have to drive yourself.
Consider it my farewell dinner.
See you at the event.
(GASPING) - Jared, are you okay? - It's just so many emotions.
The board seat.
I feel regret and glee that you would choose to honor me, and terror at not living up to your expectations, and compassion for Erlich's loss.
Oh, Donald, you've come undone.
(CHUCKLES SADLY) You still want him on the board? Hi, there.
Checking in.
Richard Hendricks.
Fuck me.
Hey, Richie.
Oh, God.
Hey, Russ.
What's up, boy genius? You here fucking? Huh? No.
No, no, no fucking.
Just, uh, here for the "Vanity Fair" dinner.
Oh, yeah, I know that stupid dinner.
Bunch of VC douchebags jerking each other off.
Speaking of, I got this girl at the bar, I'm trying to take her up to the presidential suite before her fucking bridesmaids ruin the whole thing, but they're telling me it's booked.
Who is it? Is it Gore? Fuck that guy.
- Oh, God.
- I saw Pied Piper launched.
Haven't tried it, probably won't.
I don't even want to think about how fucked I got missing out on Erlich's shares.
Fuck.
Wait, he-- he tried to sell you his shares? Well, half of them.
He was pretty desperate to stay on the team.
Well, he didn't mention anything about this to me.
Of course not.
Why would he? It's fucking humiliating losing all your money.
You think when I dropped below a billion I walked around telling everybody? Fuck no.
You guys were the only ones who knew, and I actually thought about having you killed.
- I'm sorry, what? - So Erlich and I, like two weeks ago, we had a contract ready five mil I was gonna pay him for half his shares.
It was a win-win.
Then that robot, Laurie Bream, sweeps in and cockblocks the whole thing.
She forces him to sell her all his shares.
You think she's gay? Maybe.
It hasn't come up.
I, uh-- so wait, she outbid you? Outbid me? No, she didn't have to.
You don't even know how your own fucking company works? (LAUGHS) All right, Mr.
Hendricks, we have you staying one night - in a deluxe double.
- Okay, do you have a tub in that room? Does he have a tub in that room? I don't know.
There's no way of telling.
You know what? Fuck it.
I'm gonna take her to the "W.
" She's so drunk she won't know the difference.
See you around, Richie.
(PHONE CHIMES) CJ ON VOICEMAIL: Hey, it's CJ.
Listen, I'm hearing a rumor about some serious ugliness going on at Pied Piper.
I've heard it from three different people now.
You need to call me.
Fuck.
LAURIE: What in God's name is the reason to get a higher education? You can just buy a megafreeze for 35 cents.
Laurie, can I talk to you for a second? Yes, uh, Richard Hendricks, - do you know Mark Pincus? - Hello.
- Big fan.
- Oh, okay.
Yes.
- Sorry, just one second.
- Yes.
Oh, all right.
I'm sorry to cut away like this.
We can continue discussing this.
Okay, uh, look, I know Erlich sold you all of his shares.
I'm just, uh, wondering exactly how that happened.
Ah, yes.
It was one of my finer moments.
Erlich came to me with an outside offer to sell half of his Pied Piper shares.
To Russ Hanneman for five million dollars.
Yes, I know.
But somehow you ended up with all of his shares.
How? Oh, well, as you know, the same onerous terms you accepted when you took Russ Hanneman's money, they transferred to me when I bought him out.
These included the right to block any transfer of stocks with a majority vote of the board.
A board which I control.
- I don't understand.
- Of course you do.
If I have approval of any buyer, and I am the only buyer I approve, then I can set my own price.
So I asked Mr.
Bachman for a thorough accounting of his debts, uh, which ran to approximately $713,000.
And how much did you give him? $713,000.
Jesus.
So, he walked away with nothing.
Uh, yes.
And so as I said, you're the one who accepted these terms, so you're the one who enabled this action on my part.
All credit goes to you, Richard.
Excuse me.
Dick.
Dick Costolo.
One moment.
I need to speak with you.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER) MAN: It's expensive to re-plant.
No.
The vines are bad.
The soil is bad.
(CONVERSATION CONTINUES) Excuse me, what is that? That's pesca-pescatarian.
- It's fish that-- - Actually, just bring me one of those.
- Me, too.
- Yeah, waiter, I'll take on, too.
- I want one.
- MAN: I want one of those also.
MAN 2: Wait, hey, hey, I'd like that also.
MAN 3: Excuse me, if he's having one, I want one.
MAN 4: You're getting that, I want it, too.
Excuse me! Hey, I thought you were at the dinner.
I left.
Erlich never showed.
Is he here? Yeah.
He's hiding in the backyard.
- Why? - Have you not seen the article? No.
"Is Erlich Bachman the Dumbest Man in Tech?" What the hell is this? I never sent anything out.
- Who did they talk to? - Erlich.
This is CJ's blog.
He outed himself to protect Pied Piper.
This is way harsher than anything you ever wrote.
Plus, there's the visual component.
Speaking of where's your jacket, Jared? (CLEARS THROAT) That's quite a piece.
Informative.
Thorough.
You certainly know how to make an impact.
And I guess I don't have to worry about any rumors coming out.
Those are handled.
You know, Erlich, uh, Pied Piper still needs a head of PR.
You seem to be well-versed in media outreach.
And by your own admission in that article, your head is-- what did you say? --so far up your own ass you can see the future.
And that could be useful if we need a pre-cog (STAMMERS) in a way? Uh, I don't know if you're available, so Are you offering me a job? Well, we have a good option package.
Um, it won't be quite what you had, but it's something.
That's very generous.
So things could go back to the way they were before.
Well, no.
No.
Not exactly the way they were.
No, no.
Uh, well, this would be an actual job and you would have responsibilities.
Would this job have a title? Something, say, Chief Evangelism Officer? So, CEO? - JARED: Oh, my goodness! - What the fuck was that? Richard.
The Pied Piper app just got accepted to the Hooli store.
What? Holy shit.
Gavin Belson just presented us with his bare buttocks in submission.
(LAUGHS) We beat him.
I don't-- I don't hug.
No.
Um, okay, hey, look, uh, time to issue your first press release, right? It's very late, Richard, and I'm very high.
Erlich, I don't care.
You have to do it, okay? Now.
- It's your job.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Oh! - (JARED LAUGHS) - (DOOR CLOSES) CJ Cantwell.
Erlich Bachman.
The reason I'm calling has absolutely nothing to do whatsoever with the fact that I own half of your blog and everything to do with the fact that I was just named Chief Evangelism Officer of Pied Piper.
Feel free to abbreviate that, whatever acronym is most economical.
And I have a story.
Well, if it's anything like this last one, I am all for it.
I am getting so many paid views on your tell-all.
Everyone in the Valley is reading it.
Well, that's good for you at my expense, I guess.
Anyway, I had no choice.
As you said, it was going to come out one way or another.
Why? No one knew about any of it until you told me.
What do you mean? You said that you had heard from a bunch of people that there are all these rumors about ugly shit going down at Pied Piper.
That's literally the only reason that I told you any of this.
What? Oh, yeah, three different people told me that Pied Piper had the ugliest jackets they'd ever seen.
Jackets? I was going to do, like, a whole swag fail thing, you know.
That could have been cool, no? Who the fuck cares about jackets? Hey, come on, babe Follow me I'm the Pied Piper Follow me, I'm the Pied Piper And I'll show you where it's at (SONG CONTINUES) Come on, babe can't you see? I'm the Pied Piper, trust in me I'm the Pied Piper And I'll show you where it's at Girl, don't be scared to move Hey, babe, what are you tryin' to prove? It ain't true that your life has kicked you It's your mind and that's all that's trickin' you So step in line Hey, come on, babe, follow me I'm the Pied Piper, follow me I'm the Pied Piper And I'll show you where it's at Come on, babe, can't you see? Come on, babe, follow me I'm the Pied Piper