Stuck in the Middle (2016) s03e08 Episode Script
Stuck in a Mysterious Robbery
1 [INDISTINCT RADIO TRANSMISSION.]
I can't believe someone robbed the Bait and Bite.
And what kind of thief leaves one boot? [SIGHS.]
I mean, if you're going to steal the left, why leave the right?! Cops don't have a single lead.
No forced entry.
No broken windows.
These guys were pros.
They even took my tuna sandwich out of the fridge.
The joke's on them, it was from last week.
Good thing my slushy machine is bolted down or they would've taken it too.
I don't take chances with my baby.
I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but I'm going to.
Where's the CSI unit? Isn't anybody looking for heat signatures? We're happy to help.
You may remember us as streetwise detectives Peeby and Jay from our brother's student film.
[GRUNTS.]
- If not, we'll send you the link.
- Mm-hmm.
Man, they even took the dollar I had framed.
It was the first one I made as owner of the store.
Oh, I hope this place does well.
Because paying for two kids' college ugh, I can't even imagine.
Mr.
President, may you be the first of many.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ah.
Out of everything they took, that dollar hurts the most.
Sorry, Dad.
I'd say we play that singing bass that always cheers you up, but they stole that too.
Have the police checked the security camera footage yet? They're doing it as we speak.
Oh.
[SIGHS.]
Do we know if Dad had any of the snails from the bait tank "chipped"? Smart thinking.
Let's tell the cops to commit all their resources to it.
Whoa.
Let the officers do their job.
- They're stretched too thin.
- Mm-hmm.
They need our help.
- Your help, not helpful.
- [SIGHS.]
Besides, the security footage will tell us everything we need to know.
[SCOFFS.]
Bad news.
The security camera didn't record.
What? How could that happen? Just bad luck, I guess.
But it's never done that before.
You know what, Harls, uh, why don't you take the boys home? I'll meet you there.
The camera didn't catch anything, so I'll have to.
Criminals, if you're watching this, turn yourself in while you can.
Harley Diaz is on the case.
Hey, hey, hey, hey Sometimes it feels like things are outta control Like you're living in a circus Tryin' to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kinda perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the games begin, let's jump right in I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you Okay, it's up to us kids to figure out who robbed the store.
We can't trust our parents with a mystery this big.
She's right.
Dad can't find his keys when they're the only thing on the table.
Let's talk suspects.
Rachel's ex-boyfriend and former Bait and Bite employee Cuff.
A broken heart, busted career, and he knows where all the keys are.
Cuff had plenty of reasons to rob the store.
But so did fishing phenom and disgruntled tenant Colt Bailey.
We destroyed his stuff, and his dog ate our couch and pooped pillows for a week.
You want motive? Look no further than Dad's biggest competition.
Rod from Rod's Reel and Deal.
He'd do anything to shut down the store.
And look at this.
[BEEPS.]
Come on down to Rod's! We recently expanded our inventory, and it's priced to move! Come on down! Whoo! That's hot! Just like these deals! [PHONE BEEPS.]
[SCOFFS.]
"Expanded inventory"? In other words, Dad's stuff.
I've got a suspect.
Georgie.
Maybe she's not really at basketball camp.
Hmm? Think about it, she says she goes, but she never comes back better.
Hmm? Okay, everybody do some investigating, and we'll meet back here in a couple of hours.
[SCOFFS.]
And it wasn't Georgie.
She doesn't get better because she's bad at basketball.
I can say that because she's not here.
What are you kids up to? Trying to see if we can track down who robbed the store.
[SIGHS.]
No takers on my ad so far looking for "recently stolen canoes.
" They may be smarter than we think.
Well, it's too bad the security footage got stolen, it would've been helpful.
Stolen? Dad said the camera didn't work.
Well, if it was stolen, it couldn't work.
If it was stolen, why wouldn't he just say "stolen"? Broken stolen cat, dog, pie, they're all just words.
Shoot, I hear the dryer beeper.
Okay, that made no sense, and the dryer's not upstairs.
Mom and Dad are acting strange.
You're just noticing now Mom and Dad are strange.
[SCOFFS.]
They're hiding something.
It's written all over their faces.
[GASPS.]
Their faces! Last summer I was working on facial recognition software for my slushy machine to streamline the ordering process.
I wanted it to digitally recognize a customer's face so they could get their favorite slushy faster.
Can you streamline the point of this story? You mean dumb it down for you? I never disconnected the eye.
There might be a second video of the robbery! We have to get down to the store and check.
Uh, but it's still an active crime scene.
What if the thieves come back? If you're scared, I'll go by myself.
Seriously?! I was going to follow you! [SIGHS.]
This mystery is spread pretty thick.
And only Marco Peeby and Frank Jay can get to the bottom of it.
Yeah.
We have to think like dirt bags.
They hit our store, maybe they'll hit our house next.
It's what I'd do.
Officer Sasha Phluff, ready to blow this case wide open.
Slow down.
Movie cops are always partners.
One's all business, the other's a loose cannon.
Yeah, there's no "all business" or "loose cannon's" little sister.
Besides, we don't work with rookies.
Mm-mm.
I'm not going anywhere.
I've been looking for an excuse to bring justice to these streets.
Let's jet, Peeby.
We've got suspects to rattle.
No sense sticking around here since the new kid blew our cover.
Mm-hmm.
Blew your cover? You're in a bright red baby car.
I don't understand why we just can't just turn the light on.
Because we're not supposed to be in here.
Besides, we don't need light.
The place is empty, it's not like I'm going to - [SCREAMS.]
- Harley! See, this is why the thieves didn't want you.
[SIGHS.]
Check it out.
A toothpick.
Just like Rod is always chewing on.
His are cinnamon.
It's cinnamon! You realize that was in a stranger's mouth, right? Ugh! Chew on all the floor toothpicks you want, they're all just guesses until we see what my slushy eye picked up.
[BEEPS.]
- Download complete.
- [CHUCKLES.]
We need to go home and watch the footage on this thing.
This little drive could have all the answers we need.
Try not to put it in your mouth.
Okay, moment of truth.
Okay.
Let's check my slushy feed.
These photos were all taken in the last 24 hours.
[BEEPS.]
Customer, customer, customer, Lewie and Beast playing walrus with the straws, Dad itching his butt Eh, I can see that at home.
[BEEPS.]
Wait.
Oh, it doesn't have night vision capabilities.
We missed the whole robbery! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Officers Peeby and Jay, reporting for duty.
Sorry we didn't shave, we pulled a double shift.
The streets don't give up their answers easy.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, I had to miss my kid's T-Ball game, and I haven't made one of those all season.
I curse the day I made those characters.
Anyway, we commandeered Ethan's camera and grilled all the major suspects.
First, Rachel's slacker ex-boyfriend Cuff.
- [LEWIE.]
Still up to your old tricks, huh? - Me? I've moved on from tagging kayaks at your dad's place.
I get paid big bucks as a graffiti artist.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm doing a mural right now.
[BEAST.]
You expect us to believe people would pay for unsightly garbage like this? Well, actually, the mayor commissioned me to do it.
[LEWIE.]
Can we get the address of this "mayor"? We moved on to fishing champion Colt Bailey.
[LEWIE.]
Colt, is that you, or is your twin brother a filthy drifter? It's me.
My whole life's gone downhill since my line got tangled with the Diaz family.
I ended up losing that tournament, I haven't won one since.
[BEAST.]
Sounds like somebody's been fishing for cash.
That's why you robbed the store, isn't it? You couldn't get me within 100 yards of that place.
Since I set foot in there, I lost my mojo, my endorsements, even my dog hates me.
Guppy left me for the new phenom fisherman, Leroy McFly.
I never want to see that store again.
You catchin' what I'm castin'? Nice work, guys.
Our last suspect is Rod.
See what you can find out about him.
Catching human slime like that is the reason I joined the force.
And the policeman's ball, they pull out all the stops.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Wait, there's more pictures.
It's the next morning.
There's the police.
There's us leaving.
There's Mom and Dad.
Wait.
What are they carrying? Is that? What are they doing with the security recorder? Looks like we just found our lead.
And it leads straight to our parents! Hey, guys.
We deserve something fun.
I was thinking pizza for dinner.
- Great.
- Mmm, pizza.
She's onto us.
We've got to set up headquarters in a secure location.
Mom and Dad are suspects? We just wasted an hour following Rod around Mega-Mart.
The suspect ate 3 cheese cubes, 17 wasabi peas, and a cracker with an undetermined nut butter.
Guys, take a 10-minute coffee break from that routine.
Ow! Now, why would Mom and Dad take the security recorder? I guess they didn't want anyone to see what was on it.
Maybe they're covering something up.
Maybe the store wasn't robbed at all.
Wait.
What if they're tired of running it and want out? - You mean, like, sell the place and move? - Mm-hmm.
They do hate the cold winters.
Yeah, Mom's always saying she wants to punch February in the face.
And kick March in the slats.
But why wouldn't they just tell us the truth? Because they know we hate the idea of moving.
Remember the one time they brought it up? You two chained yourselves to the bannister.
I bet Mom and Dad sold all the inventory to Rod for moving money.
We could be strangers in a warm town by next week.
We should bust them right now.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, man, I wish we weren't on that coffee break.
They'll just deny everything.
We've got no proof.
All the evidence we need is on that security recorder.
We need to find out where they put it.
[BOTH.]
Whoa! Have you been lying in there the whole time? It's where I was lying before you should be asking about.
[DAPHNE.]
Since I'm the only one in this department who has what it takes for a stakeout, I've been deep in a series of under-bed missions.
The evidence to solve this mystery is right here in the house.
Only problem, it's in the hardest possible place to get into: Mom and Dad's bedroom closet.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Too much? Maybe not enough.
That closet is like the Fort Knox of the Diaz household.
[HARLEY.]
It's where Mom and Dad keep stuff they don't want kids touching: anything breakable, valuable, sentimental, chocolate And now, for some reason, the Bait and Bite security recorder.
To make matters worse, it's the only door in the house that's locked.
Someone needs to figure out a plan to get that key.
You mean you, right? Of course I mean me.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Okay, we've got to get into Mom and Dad's closet.
To pull it off, we're going to have to do something complicated, dangerous, and darn near impossible: work together.
Prepare yourselves for the Taper Caper.
Okay.
We're going to get that key.
[HARLEY.]
The first part of the Taper Caper is distraction.
Hey, Mom.
You mind helping me with my calculus? [HARLEY.]
We all know Mom loves showing off her math chops.
Love to.
Did you know that I minored in accounting in college? [HARLEY.]
We did.
But what she doesn't know is that tonight's problem was taken from the homepage of the Einstein Mathematics Society.
That should keep her occupied and out of our hair well past bedtime.
Which frees us up to focus on target number two.
Dad keeps the keys to the closet on the Bait and Bite key chain attached to his belt loop.
Daddy? Will you read me a bedtime story? Of course I will, pumpkin.
The Daddy's Little Girl Maneuver, when deployed correctly, has a 100% success rate.
So, what are we reading for nighty night? The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe.
[HARLEY.]
In that cramped space, those keys will get uncomfortable quick.
That's when we make our next move.
[TOM.]
"But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only that [HARLEY.]
While Dad's preoccupied with his marathon story, Lewie and Beast will secure the package.
[TOM.]
"not a feather then he fluttered till I scarcely more than muttered" [HARLEY.]
And once the package is secure, that's where the science comes in.
[TOM.]
"as my hopes have flown before.
Then the bird said, "Nevermore.
"" And that's how it's done.
Now we're gonna use the impression in the clay to make a copy of the key.
This was originally an ice cream coating, but it was too hard.
No such thing as a failed invention just one I haven't figured out yet.
[HARLEY.]
Come to mama, Recorder.
[GASPS.]
It's 42! The answer is 42! Once I realized the problem was all in respect to a single variable, voilà ! Maybe you should check your work.
Already did.
I've earned myself some leftover Halloween candy.
[PHONE RINGS.]
[BEEPS.]
The canary has left the cage! Oh! Tom, I need the closet key! [TOM.]
Catch! Come to mama, secret chocolate.
[GRUNTS.]
This isn't the bag.
Oh, wait.
Yes, it is.
Mmm! Mmm.
Okay, show time.
Grab your snacks and hold onto your hats.
This is where we finally find out the truth.
Huh.
This footage is from the backdoor camera.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no! It was me.
I'm the reason we got robbed.
I-I taped the door and forgot to undo it.
I left it unlocked.
[WHISPERS.]
I think we've got a confession.
Mom and Dad aren't guilty.
I am.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, but wait Why would Mom and Dad cover it up? As a person who messes up a lot, I know they're not afraid to point it out and punish.
He's right.
This is so bad, it's beyond punishment.
I'm such a disappointment, they don't even know what to say.
We already figured out what happened.
Why are you still in uniform? We want to be ready when the next crime breaks out.
They say the first half-hour is the most important.
We waste that time getting into costume.
And you? I think we all know that these two aren't solving any crimes.
Have any of you seen Harley? She's not in her room.
We watched the security footage last night.
She knows she's the reason the store got robbed.
[SIGHS.]
Do you guys know where we can find her? [DRILL WHIRRING.]
Harley! How did you know she was here? I did what any good cop would do I played a hunch.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Harls, what are you doing? I'm going to sell my slushy machine.
It was the only thing I could think of to help pay back some of the losses.
But you two just celebrated your second slushi-versary.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't pretend like we all don't know what I did.
I win the "Worst Diaz" award.
[SIGHS.]
Actually, I'm a contender.
Remember that time our car broke down in that snowstorm? The one where we missed Lewie and Beast's Christmas pageant? Only Mom and Dad know, but that happened because I borrowed part of the engine for the set of my racing movie.
Yeah, it's not just him.
Last summer, Beast and I broke a water main panning for gold in the backyard.
[SIGHS.]
We were fools to buy that treasure map from Poopy and Goon.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I had a big mess up too.
The food spoiled last Thanksgiving because the fridge got unplugged when I broke the centerpiece.
Breaking the centerpiece doesn't unplug the fridge.
It does when you shove it behind there with a broom.
Mm.
I can't believe it.
Everyone knew about this stuff but me? No, no one knew it.
The same way no one was going to know that you left the door unlocked.
Every kid in the family has at one time made a huge mistake.
This just happens to be your first.
We usually talk to them in private about it, but you just beat us to the punch.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Everybody makes mistakes, not everybody needs to know about it.
The day that I made that dollar, your mom and I made so many mistakes, we were lucky to stay open.
Mr.
President, may you be the first of many.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ah.
[GLASS BREAKS.]
How about I show you out? Oh! Oh! And despite all that, here we are, a million mistakes later, still in business.
So you're saying it's in our genes? Deep.
[ALL LAUGH.]
[HARLEY.]
Turns out the biggest mystery is how our family survived all these years.
Love is the answer Who wants a slushy? - Me! - I do! But you might as well take your Sherlock Holmes hats off.
We'll never figure that one out.
Hey.
Celebrating the good news, huh? What good news? They caught the fellas that robbed your store.
They tried to rob me, but recently I beefed up my security.
Oh, you ramped it up after they hit us? Nope, I did it because lately I felt like I was being followed by a couple of short fellas.
What's wrong with that? I'll take a slushy for the road.
What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? I think I know where to hang this.
I can't believe someone robbed the Bait and Bite.
And what kind of thief leaves one boot? [SIGHS.]
I mean, if you're going to steal the left, why leave the right?! Cops don't have a single lead.
No forced entry.
No broken windows.
These guys were pros.
They even took my tuna sandwich out of the fridge.
The joke's on them, it was from last week.
Good thing my slushy machine is bolted down or they would've taken it too.
I don't take chances with my baby.
I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but I'm going to.
Where's the CSI unit? Isn't anybody looking for heat signatures? We're happy to help.
You may remember us as streetwise detectives Peeby and Jay from our brother's student film.
[GRUNTS.]
- If not, we'll send you the link.
- Mm-hmm.
Man, they even took the dollar I had framed.
It was the first one I made as owner of the store.
Oh, I hope this place does well.
Because paying for two kids' college ugh, I can't even imagine.
Mr.
President, may you be the first of many.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ah.
Out of everything they took, that dollar hurts the most.
Sorry, Dad.
I'd say we play that singing bass that always cheers you up, but they stole that too.
Have the police checked the security camera footage yet? They're doing it as we speak.
Oh.
[SIGHS.]
Do we know if Dad had any of the snails from the bait tank "chipped"? Smart thinking.
Let's tell the cops to commit all their resources to it.
Whoa.
Let the officers do their job.
- They're stretched too thin.
- Mm-hmm.
They need our help.
- Your help, not helpful.
- [SIGHS.]
Besides, the security footage will tell us everything we need to know.
[SCOFFS.]
Bad news.
The security camera didn't record.
What? How could that happen? Just bad luck, I guess.
But it's never done that before.
You know what, Harls, uh, why don't you take the boys home? I'll meet you there.
The camera didn't catch anything, so I'll have to.
Criminals, if you're watching this, turn yourself in while you can.
Harley Diaz is on the case.
Hey, hey, hey, hey Sometimes it feels like things are outta control Like you're living in a circus Tryin' to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kinda perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the games begin, let's jump right in I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you Okay, it's up to us kids to figure out who robbed the store.
We can't trust our parents with a mystery this big.
She's right.
Dad can't find his keys when they're the only thing on the table.
Let's talk suspects.
Rachel's ex-boyfriend and former Bait and Bite employee Cuff.
A broken heart, busted career, and he knows where all the keys are.
Cuff had plenty of reasons to rob the store.
But so did fishing phenom and disgruntled tenant Colt Bailey.
We destroyed his stuff, and his dog ate our couch and pooped pillows for a week.
You want motive? Look no further than Dad's biggest competition.
Rod from Rod's Reel and Deal.
He'd do anything to shut down the store.
And look at this.
[BEEPS.]
Come on down to Rod's! We recently expanded our inventory, and it's priced to move! Come on down! Whoo! That's hot! Just like these deals! [PHONE BEEPS.]
[SCOFFS.]
"Expanded inventory"? In other words, Dad's stuff.
I've got a suspect.
Georgie.
Maybe she's not really at basketball camp.
Hmm? Think about it, she says she goes, but she never comes back better.
Hmm? Okay, everybody do some investigating, and we'll meet back here in a couple of hours.
[SCOFFS.]
And it wasn't Georgie.
She doesn't get better because she's bad at basketball.
I can say that because she's not here.
What are you kids up to? Trying to see if we can track down who robbed the store.
[SIGHS.]
No takers on my ad so far looking for "recently stolen canoes.
" They may be smarter than we think.
Well, it's too bad the security footage got stolen, it would've been helpful.
Stolen? Dad said the camera didn't work.
Well, if it was stolen, it couldn't work.
If it was stolen, why wouldn't he just say "stolen"? Broken stolen cat, dog, pie, they're all just words.
Shoot, I hear the dryer beeper.
Okay, that made no sense, and the dryer's not upstairs.
Mom and Dad are acting strange.
You're just noticing now Mom and Dad are strange.
[SCOFFS.]
They're hiding something.
It's written all over their faces.
[GASPS.]
Their faces! Last summer I was working on facial recognition software for my slushy machine to streamline the ordering process.
I wanted it to digitally recognize a customer's face so they could get their favorite slushy faster.
Can you streamline the point of this story? You mean dumb it down for you? I never disconnected the eye.
There might be a second video of the robbery! We have to get down to the store and check.
Uh, but it's still an active crime scene.
What if the thieves come back? If you're scared, I'll go by myself.
Seriously?! I was going to follow you! [SIGHS.]
This mystery is spread pretty thick.
And only Marco Peeby and Frank Jay can get to the bottom of it.
Yeah.
We have to think like dirt bags.
They hit our store, maybe they'll hit our house next.
It's what I'd do.
Officer Sasha Phluff, ready to blow this case wide open.
Slow down.
Movie cops are always partners.
One's all business, the other's a loose cannon.
Yeah, there's no "all business" or "loose cannon's" little sister.
Besides, we don't work with rookies.
Mm-mm.
I'm not going anywhere.
I've been looking for an excuse to bring justice to these streets.
Let's jet, Peeby.
We've got suspects to rattle.
No sense sticking around here since the new kid blew our cover.
Mm-hmm.
Blew your cover? You're in a bright red baby car.
I don't understand why we just can't just turn the light on.
Because we're not supposed to be in here.
Besides, we don't need light.
The place is empty, it's not like I'm going to - [SCREAMS.]
- Harley! See, this is why the thieves didn't want you.
[SIGHS.]
Check it out.
A toothpick.
Just like Rod is always chewing on.
His are cinnamon.
It's cinnamon! You realize that was in a stranger's mouth, right? Ugh! Chew on all the floor toothpicks you want, they're all just guesses until we see what my slushy eye picked up.
[BEEPS.]
- Download complete.
- [CHUCKLES.]
We need to go home and watch the footage on this thing.
This little drive could have all the answers we need.
Try not to put it in your mouth.
Okay, moment of truth.
Okay.
Let's check my slushy feed.
These photos were all taken in the last 24 hours.
[BEEPS.]
Customer, customer, customer, Lewie and Beast playing walrus with the straws, Dad itching his butt Eh, I can see that at home.
[BEEPS.]
Wait.
Oh, it doesn't have night vision capabilities.
We missed the whole robbery! [CLEARS THROAT.]
Officers Peeby and Jay, reporting for duty.
Sorry we didn't shave, we pulled a double shift.
The streets don't give up their answers easy.
[SIGHS.]
Yeah, I had to miss my kid's T-Ball game, and I haven't made one of those all season.
I curse the day I made those characters.
Anyway, we commandeered Ethan's camera and grilled all the major suspects.
First, Rachel's slacker ex-boyfriend Cuff.
- [LEWIE.]
Still up to your old tricks, huh? - Me? I've moved on from tagging kayaks at your dad's place.
I get paid big bucks as a graffiti artist.
[LAUGHS.]
I'm doing a mural right now.
[BEAST.]
You expect us to believe people would pay for unsightly garbage like this? Well, actually, the mayor commissioned me to do it.
[LEWIE.]
Can we get the address of this "mayor"? We moved on to fishing champion Colt Bailey.
[LEWIE.]
Colt, is that you, or is your twin brother a filthy drifter? It's me.
My whole life's gone downhill since my line got tangled with the Diaz family.
I ended up losing that tournament, I haven't won one since.
[BEAST.]
Sounds like somebody's been fishing for cash.
That's why you robbed the store, isn't it? You couldn't get me within 100 yards of that place.
Since I set foot in there, I lost my mojo, my endorsements, even my dog hates me.
Guppy left me for the new phenom fisherman, Leroy McFly.
I never want to see that store again.
You catchin' what I'm castin'? Nice work, guys.
Our last suspect is Rod.
See what you can find out about him.
Catching human slime like that is the reason I joined the force.
And the policeman's ball, they pull out all the stops.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Wait, there's more pictures.
It's the next morning.
There's the police.
There's us leaving.
There's Mom and Dad.
Wait.
What are they carrying? Is that? What are they doing with the security recorder? Looks like we just found our lead.
And it leads straight to our parents! Hey, guys.
We deserve something fun.
I was thinking pizza for dinner.
- Great.
- Mmm, pizza.
She's onto us.
We've got to set up headquarters in a secure location.
Mom and Dad are suspects? We just wasted an hour following Rod around Mega-Mart.
The suspect ate 3 cheese cubes, 17 wasabi peas, and a cracker with an undetermined nut butter.
Guys, take a 10-minute coffee break from that routine.
Ow! Now, why would Mom and Dad take the security recorder? I guess they didn't want anyone to see what was on it.
Maybe they're covering something up.
Maybe the store wasn't robbed at all.
Wait.
What if they're tired of running it and want out? - You mean, like, sell the place and move? - Mm-hmm.
They do hate the cold winters.
Yeah, Mom's always saying she wants to punch February in the face.
And kick March in the slats.
But why wouldn't they just tell us the truth? Because they know we hate the idea of moving.
Remember the one time they brought it up? You two chained yourselves to the bannister.
I bet Mom and Dad sold all the inventory to Rod for moving money.
We could be strangers in a warm town by next week.
We should bust them right now.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, man, I wish we weren't on that coffee break.
They'll just deny everything.
We've got no proof.
All the evidence we need is on that security recorder.
We need to find out where they put it.
[BOTH.]
Whoa! Have you been lying in there the whole time? It's where I was lying before you should be asking about.
[DAPHNE.]
Since I'm the only one in this department who has what it takes for a stakeout, I've been deep in a series of under-bed missions.
The evidence to solve this mystery is right here in the house.
Only problem, it's in the hardest possible place to get into: Mom and Dad's bedroom closet.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Too much? Maybe not enough.
That closet is like the Fort Knox of the Diaz household.
[HARLEY.]
It's where Mom and Dad keep stuff they don't want kids touching: anything breakable, valuable, sentimental, chocolate And now, for some reason, the Bait and Bite security recorder.
To make matters worse, it's the only door in the house that's locked.
Someone needs to figure out a plan to get that key.
You mean you, right? Of course I mean me.
- Okay.
- Oh.
Okay, we've got to get into Mom and Dad's closet.
To pull it off, we're going to have to do something complicated, dangerous, and darn near impossible: work together.
Prepare yourselves for the Taper Caper.
Okay.
We're going to get that key.
[HARLEY.]
The first part of the Taper Caper is distraction.
Hey, Mom.
You mind helping me with my calculus? [HARLEY.]
We all know Mom loves showing off her math chops.
Love to.
Did you know that I minored in accounting in college? [HARLEY.]
We did.
But what she doesn't know is that tonight's problem was taken from the homepage of the Einstein Mathematics Society.
That should keep her occupied and out of our hair well past bedtime.
Which frees us up to focus on target number two.
Dad keeps the keys to the closet on the Bait and Bite key chain attached to his belt loop.
Daddy? Will you read me a bedtime story? Of course I will, pumpkin.
The Daddy's Little Girl Maneuver, when deployed correctly, has a 100% success rate.
So, what are we reading for nighty night? The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe.
[HARLEY.]
In that cramped space, those keys will get uncomfortable quick.
That's when we make our next move.
[TOM.]
"But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only that [HARLEY.]
While Dad's preoccupied with his marathon story, Lewie and Beast will secure the package.
[TOM.]
"not a feather then he fluttered till I scarcely more than muttered" [HARLEY.]
And once the package is secure, that's where the science comes in.
[TOM.]
"as my hopes have flown before.
Then the bird said, "Nevermore.
"" And that's how it's done.
Now we're gonna use the impression in the clay to make a copy of the key.
This was originally an ice cream coating, but it was too hard.
No such thing as a failed invention just one I haven't figured out yet.
[HARLEY.]
Come to mama, Recorder.
[GASPS.]
It's 42! The answer is 42! Once I realized the problem was all in respect to a single variable, voilà ! Maybe you should check your work.
Already did.
I've earned myself some leftover Halloween candy.
[PHONE RINGS.]
[BEEPS.]
The canary has left the cage! Oh! Tom, I need the closet key! [TOM.]
Catch! Come to mama, secret chocolate.
[GRUNTS.]
This isn't the bag.
Oh, wait.
Yes, it is.
Mmm! Mmm.
Okay, show time.
Grab your snacks and hold onto your hats.
This is where we finally find out the truth.
Huh.
This footage is from the backdoor camera.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no! It was me.
I'm the reason we got robbed.
I-I taped the door and forgot to undo it.
I left it unlocked.
[WHISPERS.]
I think we've got a confession.
Mom and Dad aren't guilty.
I am.
[SIGHS.]
Uh, but wait Why would Mom and Dad cover it up? As a person who messes up a lot, I know they're not afraid to point it out and punish.
He's right.
This is so bad, it's beyond punishment.
I'm such a disappointment, they don't even know what to say.
We already figured out what happened.
Why are you still in uniform? We want to be ready when the next crime breaks out.
They say the first half-hour is the most important.
We waste that time getting into costume.
And you? I think we all know that these two aren't solving any crimes.
Have any of you seen Harley? She's not in her room.
We watched the security footage last night.
She knows she's the reason the store got robbed.
[SIGHS.]
Do you guys know where we can find her? [DRILL WHIRRING.]
Harley! How did you know she was here? I did what any good cop would do I played a hunch.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
Harls, what are you doing? I'm going to sell my slushy machine.
It was the only thing I could think of to help pay back some of the losses.
But you two just celebrated your second slushi-versary.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't pretend like we all don't know what I did.
I win the "Worst Diaz" award.
[SIGHS.]
Actually, I'm a contender.
Remember that time our car broke down in that snowstorm? The one where we missed Lewie and Beast's Christmas pageant? Only Mom and Dad know, but that happened because I borrowed part of the engine for the set of my racing movie.
Yeah, it's not just him.
Last summer, Beast and I broke a water main panning for gold in the backyard.
[SIGHS.]
We were fools to buy that treasure map from Poopy and Goon.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I had a big mess up too.
The food spoiled last Thanksgiving because the fridge got unplugged when I broke the centerpiece.
Breaking the centerpiece doesn't unplug the fridge.
It does when you shove it behind there with a broom.
Mm.
I can't believe it.
Everyone knew about this stuff but me? No, no one knew it.
The same way no one was going to know that you left the door unlocked.
Every kid in the family has at one time made a huge mistake.
This just happens to be your first.
We usually talk to them in private about it, but you just beat us to the punch.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Everybody makes mistakes, not everybody needs to know about it.
The day that I made that dollar, your mom and I made so many mistakes, we were lucky to stay open.
Mr.
President, may you be the first of many.
[CHUCKLES.]
Ah.
[GLASS BREAKS.]
How about I show you out? Oh! Oh! And despite all that, here we are, a million mistakes later, still in business.
So you're saying it's in our genes? Deep.
[ALL LAUGH.]
[HARLEY.]
Turns out the biggest mystery is how our family survived all these years.
Love is the answer Who wants a slushy? - Me! - I do! But you might as well take your Sherlock Holmes hats off.
We'll never figure that one out.
Hey.
Celebrating the good news, huh? What good news? They caught the fellas that robbed your store.
They tried to rob me, but recently I beefed up my security.
Oh, you ramped it up after they hit us? Nope, I did it because lately I felt like I was being followed by a couple of short fellas.
What's wrong with that? I'll take a slushy for the road.
What's wrong with that? What's wrong with that? I think I know where to hang this.