Sullivan and Son (2012) s03e08 Episode Script

All right, this has been here for two weeks.
Let's see what suggestions people have to improve the bar.
Wow, I got some work to do.
This is a stupid idea.
Why would you ever want to listen to your customers? It's called consumer feedback, ma.
It gives people a sense of stakes in the bar.
Besides, there might be something constructive in here.
Like, uh "Tits.
" Oh, yes.
That's very constructive.
Okay, okay.
One bad one.
Here we go.
Uh Ah, "a light appetizer menu would be nice.
" "See other side.
With tits.
" Let's hear what more of your genius customers have to say.
Oh, give the kid a break.
It's important to listen to your customers.
"The Korean lady was rude, threatening, "and tried to run our credit card twice.
We will never come back.
" Joke's on them I did run it twice.
All right, all right.
Here's one.
Um I believe this bar's harboring a member of Al-Qaeda"? What? Sorry, I thought it was a mailbox.
But your reaction's interesting.
"The hot paramedic who's always in here should go out with me.
" I hope it is that doctor who comes in here after work in his scrubs and that three-day scruff with those biceps.
"Signed, Maurice.
" At least you gave the suggestion box a shot.
Well, I'm going down swinging.
I'm gonna read this last one.
Uh, "suggestion" That one's from me.
"take two steps back and two steps to your left.
" Suggestion no more suggestions.
Da da da da, da da da, da, da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da, da da da, da da da, da da da, hey! Wow.
This new weather girl is really on her game.
She's gotten the weather right Steve, you need to get out more.
Weather girls? Whatever happened to the good old days, when weathermen were actual men and had man names like "storm field" and "Sam Hail" "Johnny Thunder"? Just saying those names makes me misty.
There's another one Frank Misty.
The new girl who does the sports is really good, too.
Okay, now, this is where I draw the line.
What the hell do women know about sports? That is so offensive.
Women can be just as knowledgeable as men.
If you're gonna talk about balls, you should have them.
Steve, two beers.
Well, someone's not wasting any time today.
No, one of them's for my mom.
She's moving back to Pittsburgh.
That's great your mom's moving back, Roy.
I know there's been some tension between you and her - since she and your dad split up.
- Yeah.
This will give us a chance to make things better.
Hang out a little bit.
No complications just us.
I really want to be close to my mom again.
You know, I think a good way to start off would be to get her a present like a man.
They're so much fun to unwrap.
And Denzel Washington is filming a movie in Pittsburgh.
Don't ask me how I know, but he's staying at the Ritz, room 819.
Registered under the name "Mr.
Lincoln.
" I don't want to think about my mom dating.
Well, in case you change your mind, Cedric the entertainer is at the Imperial motel, room 109.
Registered under the name "Cedric the entertainer.
" With your mom's face, she'd have better luck with Stevie Wonder.
You keep the jokes coming, Hank.
She's outside parking the car right now, and it's gonna be just like the old days she's gonna hear your racist crap and rip you a new one.
Well, I hope so, because the old one's not working so great.
Those battles between Hank and your mom were epic.
Yeah, remember that time in pee-wee hockey when Hank yelled at Roy "Why can't you skate? I thought you people were good with blades.
" And then Roy's mom tried to run Hank over with a zamboni.
Yeah, and when she got on, it could barely move.
I never saw a zamboni cry before.
You talking about me, you weeble-shaped leprechaun? Look at you, Hank.
I could say you got old, bald, and fat, but that's exactly how I remember you.
Is that the best you got? Well, the old gray mare, she ain't what she used to be.
You calling me old? And gray but one of them isn't exactly accurate.
I should have said "black beauty," but one of those wouldn't be accurate, either.
Look who's judging beauty, Mr.
potato head.
Aw, shit! Round one to mama.
Uh, not yet.
It's not over till she sings.
Well, I'll sing at your funeral.
Just give me a minute to change.
What are you gonna do, slip into a bedazzled circus tent? This from a man whose belly leaves the room You better go break it up.
Why me? Steve, did I ever tell you about the first time your mother and I made love? It was a windy day, in the fields of Korea I'm going.
Rose, since the day I bought this bar, I've been looking to get you a drink.
Oh.
Make it the usual Hennessy in a brown-paper bag.
And send the bill to the American taxpayer! Bang! Round two to the great white hope.
Oh, just one punch, Hank, and they'll call it "the thrilla in vanilla"! Come on, honey.
We have to go soon.
What are you guys doing? My mom's taking me to the dentist.
Yot afraid of the dentist.
I'm afraid of his laughing gas and his erection.
Whoa, check her out.
Hey, wait a minute.
I know that girl.
That's April.
We dated.
When? We were on the same flight together coming back from Chicago.
That's not a date.
Yes, it is.
We had dinner, drinks, and watched a movie.
Owen, that's a seat assignment.
I don't care what you say.
It was a date.
She never left my side.
She was strapped to a chair.
Now it sounds like a date.
I'm going to go talk to her.
You can't hit on your buddy's ex.
She's not your ex.
You're out of your mind.
Dude, that's a major bro-code violation.
Just don't, okay? Fine, I'll stay away.
Thanks.
Steve, can I get a ruling on this? The girl in question just looked over and smiled at me.
Well, as a lawyer, I would say you made an implicit agreement.
I'd also say that a plane flight is not a date, and Owen is out of his mind.
Thanks, Steve.
So, Jack, you sold the bar to Steve.
How does it feel being retired? I'll let you know after I wipe down the bar and move this 80-pound keg.
I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Your weave is a fire hazard.
Hank You are living proof that even God gets drunk.
And you you touch me with that finger, I'll put it where you'll be giving yourself a permanent prostate exam.
Touché, madam.
A tip of the big Sunday church hat to you.
What the hell? Can I talk to you? Excuse me.
What are you doing? You promised you wouldn't hit on April.
I didn't.
She came onto me.
She's so aggressive.
What did she do? She looked at me.
That's how she reeled me in on the airplane.
And Steve said it was fine.
Steve, what the hell? Ahmed's violating the bro code.
Owen, you were never really dating her.
Yes, I was.
Without the bro code, what do we have? Tion for all modern law.
That and "finders, keepers.
" See? I found her I get to keep her.
You never had her.
I gave her my nuts.
Two bags.
I'm getting my woman back.
Try, and it'll be the last thing you ever do.
Okay.
Looks like it's you and me, buddy dude on dude.
Let me rephrase that dude vs.
dude.
When you go down, I'm going to enjoy it.
Let me rephrase that.
I could easily get you to go down.
Do you want to rephrase that? Nah, I'm good.
It's already working.
I'm already inside you.
This is weird.
How do we get out of this? We can start by taking a step back.
Holy shit.
Okay.
What the hell is going on here? What did it look like? We were getting hot and heavy.
Yeah.
She's hot, and I'm heavy.
Aren't you a clever little tub of white goo.
Meet me later, hanky.
I'm gonna take you to funky town.
I am the caboose to her soul train.
I thought you hated each other.
What is going on? I know it's weird.
She's Roy's mom.
That's not the only weird part.
How do you go from calling each other "cracker" and "chocolate thunder" five minutes ago to this? It's all a swirly blur.
I guess you don't fight with somebody for 30 years without some kind of sparks flying.
I'm having fun with this lady.
But this is a one-time thing, right? What are you talking about? She just invited me to funky town.
Are you gonna tell Roy? Stop asking me questions.
There's not much blood in my brain right now.
I'll tell him when I need to.
What am I gonna tell him, again? See?! There's no blood up here! Psst! You were in there the whole time? I fought in the jungles of Nam.
The first thing we learned? How to crap quietly.
If rose starts dating Hank, Roy is gonna freak out.
And that's gonna drive an even bigger wedge between him and his mom.
Yeah, it's gonna get ugly.
I suggest you stay out of it.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I still need to, uh Well, I still need to Yeah, well All right.
You know, it's kind of nice, having some father/son time together.
Come on, April.
You must remember me.
We were on a flight together from Chicago.
I'm sorry.
Maybe this will help "we're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!" Oh, Owen! Right.
Yeah, from the flight with the light turbulence.
Well, I wouldn't call it light.
Some people did put down their reading material.
Thanks for stopping by, Owen.
Thanks, Ahmed, I will stay.
April and I have been through some pretty crazy times the pre-board.
The board.
I helped her with her overhead luggage.
Ahmed, you may not know this, but April and I sat in the exit row.
The entire plane's safety was our responsibility.
Serving with someone under those conditions really forms a bond, right, honey? I didn't know you were so funny.
You spent most of the flight breathing into that paper bag.
April, let's ditch this idiot and grab some dinner.
Or you could stay here, and hang out with someone with a normal amount of body hair.
I'm tired of my body hair coming out of your mouth.
Let me rephrase that.
You guys are cute.
Why don't we just hang out here and do some shots? Sure you can handle that, Owen? Last time we did shots, you threw up.
Oh, he did that on the plane.
It's a lot of pressure in the exit row.
Hey, you racist pig in a blanket.
You ready to go to funky town? Oh, that gets the motor going.
Follow me.
I'll show you where they store the good booze.
You just trying to get my tipsy, right? Am I that transparent? Well, you are pretty white.
What's going on there? Are the two uglies bumping? I think that's a yes.
I'm putting a room rental on his tab.
Mom, it's a bar, not a bordello.
It's called diversifying your portfolio.
All right, put it on.
Has anyone told Roy? I don't think so.
I got this.
Stop.
Hank's gonna tell him when the time is right.
It's more fun toell him when the time is wrong.
Have you seen my mom? In what context? In the "is she here?" Context.
Oh.
When you put it like that What was the question again? My mom.
I tried to call her, but she's not answering her phone, so I thought I'd come down here and surprise her.
Oh, it'll be a surprise.
What? What? What? She keeps butt-dialing me, but she won't pick up the phone.
Here it goes again.
Hello? Hello? Just these weird muffled noises.
Oh, God.
I think she's with a man.
Good guess.
What? What? What? I can't believe it.
Instead of hanging out and spending time with me, she's off with some guy.
Oh you won't think so.
What? What? I'm not doing this anymore.
Whew! Mom? Roy! I thought you were at work.
You weren't answering my calls, so I came looking for you.
Well, here I am.
So, off to work you go.
Were you just smooching in the storage room? Oh, well, maybe.
Well, let's meet the man who swept you off your feet.
Howdy-do.
All right, you got me.
That's a good one, Steve.
Good one.
And the lipstick, Hank? Way to commit to the bit.
Roy, there's something you should know your mother and I are somewhat intimately involved.
Please, for the love of God, somebody laugh.
You see? Look at the pain on Roy's face.
This is hilarious.
You just need a little time to get used to it.
Let me buy you a drink.
What'll you have, my boy? Hey, now I can call you "boy" witht tting in trouble.
This isn't happening.
This isn't happening.
This isn't happening.
Look look, Roy, you've got to calm down.
No, I can't calm down.
Can't calm down.
Can't calm down.
I haven't seen you like this since we snuck into the movies to see "Scream.
" Except for that guy was jumping on top of a college girl, and not jumping on top of my mama! On top of my mama, on top of my mama, on top of my mama! Look look, Roy, know it aho to the system.
But but give it time.
You'll come around.
He's right, Roy.
We're talking about Hank here.
He's a sweetheart.
And it would be nice for your mom to have a man in her life.
Yeah, but not a man that's on the NAACP's "most wanted" list.
I was on the NAACP's "most wanted" list.
But it was for a very different reason.
Carol's right.
Hank's harmless.
Yes, he says things we all don't like, but he's got a huge heart.
And not just because it's enlarged.
I'm sorry.
I can't.
Dude's been riding me my whole life.
But now they're broken.
I don't know what to do.
I had a blast hanging out.
Here's my number.
You guys give me a call sometime.
Bye.
See you later.
Bye.
Cool, she left henumber for me.
No, Ahmed, she left her number for me.
Okay, so, how do we know who gets it? Whoever's name starts with "o.
" Then "oh-med" gets it.
Not yet.
I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 50.
Damn! How do you always do that? You know, Owen, you could have easily cheated.
You' right.
What number did you say again? How do you do that? I'll tell you what, I'll pay for the beer and the shots.
Where's my wallet? Oh, very funny.
Give me back my wallet.
Where's my keys? Very funny.
Give me back my keys.
I'll give you back your keys when you give me back my wallet.
Give me back my frequent yogurt card.
I had eight stamps on that card.
The next one was free.
Damn! April ripped us off.
Wait, we can track her down, she left her number.
It's That bitch is gonna get my free yogurt.
All right, enough.
Hank, I just want you're not Hank.
Mom, that's not Hank.
That's Stan the plumber.
I know, son.
It says it right there on his shirt.
Get out of here, Stan! Why are you yelling at him? I'm the one you're mad at.
That's right.
You're embarrassing me.
You know why I don't spend more time with you, Roy? Because you are always judging me.
I didn't used to.
Ever since you and dad got divorced, all you do is run around acting all crazy.
I am not acting crazy.
I am just being myself.
For 35 years, I was who your daddy wanted me to be, and the mother you needed me to be.
I just want us to get along again.
Well, we'll start getting along again if you start accepnge for who I am.
Right now, mama's having a little fun.
I just want a little sugar in my bowl.
Okay.
How about this? I'll accept you if you never again talk about getting sugar in your bowl, and, for God's sake, get it at another bar.
And the next time you feel like there's something between us, talk to me about it you're my mom.
I can do that.
Thanks, Roy.
I love you, son.
I love you, too.
You know what I don't love? That I'm the only one using this bathroom for the right reason.
I am glad you and your mum are at a better place.
Is Hank okay with that decision? Yeah, he'll be fine.
It's not like they were in love.
What song should I *** your mum with.
Love me tender or Ebony and ivory? Oh God.
Someone has to tell him.
- Oh.
- I'll do it.
- Nah it's my mum, my situation.
I've got to do it.
Oh thank God.
Hank, have a seat.
You and my mum are at two different places.
She wants to play the field, you want something serious.
I know it was gonna come to this.
You're trying to break us up.
No, I'm not.
My mother is seeing other man.
You're full of it.
Hey Stan, were you kissing my mum in the bathroom? Get out of here Stan! - So you're telling the truth? - Yeah.
Well I guess you're happy.
I mean, I wasn't crazy about it.
But also I don't wanna see you get hurt.
- Oh come on, you do too.
- No, I don't.
You're my friend Hank.
Thanks Roy.
Not to sound like a Jew, but couldn't you told me this before I put my money in the jukebox? - Wow.
- Double wow.
Wow wow.
You know what? I don't feel good about the way we did this the last time.
Me neither.
I don't wanna make the same mistake again.
Steve, will you hold on on to our valuables?