The Big C (2010) s03e08 Episode Script
Killjoy
Previously on "The Big C" I can't tell you how thrilled I am that this baby is a girl.
I'm so grateful I have the chance to do it again.
Maxine, how are you feeling? Besides from the 2 A.
M.
boxing matches in my gut? I'm good.
So, what our grand prize ticket holder will win? God forbid, you do anything nice for anybody else - I give back! - Because to me, you seem pretty fucking selfish.
- Are we gonna see you tomorrow, Alexis? - Most likely.
There's only one thing to do if you're angry.
I'm taking a couple, which makes us a thruple.
What would you say to headlining with me in Puerto Rico? That sounds like a gas.
[Clears throat.]
For the record, I help who I wanna help.
[Car engine starts.]
God be with you.
Dave, throw away your bus pass.
The Big C - 3x08 - "Killjoy" Original air date: 03.
06.
2012.
[Soft rock music.]
It's so hard to turn your life over Step out of your comfort zone Is this some kind of a joke? Will someone wake me up soon And tell me this was just the game we play called life [engine revving.]
[Tires screeching.]
[Rock music.]
Aah! Whoo! Isn't this fun? Slow down.
Cathy, I don't think this is good for the baby.
[Laughing.]
Whatever the surprise is, I don't think it's worth getting a speeding ticket, do you? Ah, there's no one ever on these backcountry roads.
Besides, I just I wanted to open her up one last time.
One last time? Yeah.
That's the surprise.
I'm giving my car away To you guys.
Seriously? You're giving us your car? Cathy, this is amazing.
Oh, please.
I'm so getting the better end of this deal.
I mean, you're giving me a baby.
This is very generous.
Okay, time for someone else to drive.
Come on.
Who's first? [Laughter.]
You take it.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
I forgot.
I can't give you my car.
'Cause that wouldn't really be fair.
What with you actually not having a baby.
- What? - "What?" Don't "what" me, Maxine If that's your real name.
I might be gullible, but I'm not stupid.
- Ugh.
- Cathy, what's going on? And you, you can drop the innocent act.
'Cause it's really starting to piss me off.
Cathy We have a baby.
Hmm.
- [Screams.]
- Jesus, Cathy! Baby's got a bad case of the pillows.
[Cocks gun.]
[Gasps.]
Let's go for a walk.
Go.
Not too fast.
Don't look at me.
Look ahead! Okay, stop! Turn around.
[Gunshot.]
- [Gasps.]
- Jesus Christ.
Why? Why would you do this? Why would you promise a baby to someone that didn't exist? That is not a rhetorical question.
All right, look.
Times are tough, okay? We were desperate.
[Stuttering.]
We-we were just doing what we had to do to get by.
Doing what you had to do to get by? How about a paper route? How about being a barista at a coffee shop? Take off your clothes.
Take off your fucking clothes! Throw them over here.
Okay, I don't have all day.
And it's cold out here.
All of our clothes? All of your clothes.
All right.
[Gasps.]
How you feeling? Little exposed? Stupid? Welcome to the club.
I mean, seriously.
Seriously, you thought somebody would give their baby to a woman with cancer? You do not make me out to be the bad one in this situation.
I wanted to believe that it was possible that someone could see the love and the care that I could give a child, despite my diagnosis.
I am the good one in this situation! So I say, "Yay for fucking me!" What are you doing? You you're just gonna leave us here? [Chuckles.]
Yeah, I am.
If you come near me or my family again, I promise you, next time I will not miss.
In the meantime, I'd start walking.
[Shivering.]
It's a gun In a handkerchief.
They do it in the movies.
I don't really know why.
Oh, maybe they use it to wipe off fingerprints.
Fingerprints? Has it been used in a crime? No.
I just I need you to take it.
I don't trust myself with it anymore.
Okay.
Are you okay? You don't seem like yourself today.
Truth be told, I haven't felt like myself in months.
I need a drink.
Cathy? Oh, honey.
Honey, I am so sorry.
Me too.
Oh.
I'm sorry it took me so long to get back.
I got stuck in godforsaken Omaha.
[Sighs.]
Joy sends her condolences, or, you know, sympathies, regrets.
What's the? I just I don't get it.
I don't understand who could do this to another person.
An asshole, that's who.
That baby was my joy.
They killed my joy.
All right, we'll have those fucking people arrested.
And then, we're gonna sue 'em for every goddamn penny they have.
Well, if we sue anybody, we should sue ourselves.
For being idiots.
Well, I mean, I don't know about you, I'm not gonna let them walk away with $5,000 of our money.
It's more like $10,000.
Huh? What what do you mean, $10,000? I gave Dave some extra money when I thought he and Maxine were going through a tough time.
Whoa.
Honey, you gave them $5,000 of our money without talking to me about it? Sweetie, what has gotten into your recently? It's like you're not thinking straight.
You know, you're drinking in the middle of the day, and getting tattoos.
I mean, what the hell, Cath? I said I'm sorry.
I'm an idiot.
$5,000, though.
Jesus.
Are you seriously more upset about the money right now? Because we just lost a baby.
Well, yeah, I'm upset about the money.
I mean, you know, we had the money.
We never had the baby, turns out.
Of course you're more upset about the money.
- What do you mean by that? - Oh, please.
You never wanted this baby.
It was interrupting your big career.
Honey, why is it that whenever you talk about my career, you do it with such distain? Can't you just be, like, a tiny bit supportive about it? A little bit? I don't wanna go to Puerto Rico.
Fine.
[Exhales.]
Mom, I need you to sign this parent release form.
Yeah, yeah, one one second.
It's just for some stupid field trip wh [Sniffing.]
Do I smell pot? Are you smoking pot? Yep, I am.
Okay, so you're you're smoking pot now.
Mmhmm.
It's for my cancer treatments.
It helps when I have headaches.
Wait, you're having headaches? No, not right now.
Just, it's just call it preventative.
It makes me feel better.
Oh.
So if something makes us feel better, we should just do it, right? Okay.
I hear you.
I should not be smoking.
No, you shouldn't be doing illegal drugs.
It's pot.
I'm not shooting heroin, Adam.
It doesn't matter, mom.
It's still a sin.
Okay when did you turn into this kid? I am trying to respect this whole spiritual journey you're on, but recently, everything that comes out of your mouth has a very self-righteous tone to it.
I mean, what's next? What, you're gonna disavow evolution? You're gonna run off to a commune? You're gonna tell me that the the dinosaurs were killed in a giant flood, because they wouldn't fit on Noah's boat? Mom, just keep smoking your pot, okay? No, you know what? If there is anyone who should be smoking pot, it should be you.
I mean, it might help.
Just open up that mind of yours.
It's gotten pretty narrow these days.
Mom, what the hell are you doing? - [Exhales.]
- Whatever.
Okay, I'll be the adult here.
Because clearly, you wanna be the child.
Just sign this paper when you're done.
[Coughing.]
[Elevator dings.]
[Laughter.]
Oh, my God.
Gotta love a Saturday crowd.
That was fantastic.
Oh, it is so much fun seeing your transformation.
- Whoo! - It's like I took this little lump of coal, and I polished it into a big, shiny diamond.
And, you know, you should believe the hype, Paul, because you were born to do this.
You are really incredible.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
[Elevator dings.]
See you at the show tomorrow.
[Laughter.]
Oh, my God.
Let me see it.
[Metal clanking.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
[Shushing.]
Too loud.
Do you, um do you have a flan pan? Flan pan? [Laughing.]
Flan pan.
[Giggling.]
You're high.
I'm very high.
What of it? Oh, nothing.
I'm not judging.
In fact, I wholeheartedly endorse it.
I'm just a little pissed you didn't share, Bogart.
What do you need a flan pan for? Uh, Tim and Giselle and I are having a Spanish-themed date night.
They cook the dinner, I make the dessert.
Then put on a little flamenco music, maybe read a little Cervantes.
Ahha, gracias.
So this "thruple," it's it's not just a sex thing? Oh, at times it is a probing, sucking, fingering, fucking free-for-all.
It is hands down the best, most rewarding relationship I have ever been a part of.
And the best part, none of the emotional bullshit that comes from a regular relationship.
I can quite literally come and go.
[Giggling.]
I forget, is this you high? Just giggling? Giggling.
[Giggling.]
Jesus.
Giggling.
Oh, heads up, minor in the house.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Mrs.
"J".
Um, I I heard about the whole baby thing, and I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
[Laughing.]
Mrs.
"J"? [Giggling.]
I'm sorry.
No, I'm really I'm really sorry.
I just must be having some some crazy stress reaction To the whole baby thing.
Uh, I wanted to talk to you about something, but I'm gonna come back.
No, no, no, no, no, I'm fine.
You can you can tell me now.
Okay, well, when I was in Omaha with Mr.
"J" and Joy, um, I don't know, I just I got this totally weird vibe from her, you know? Just, you know, the way she acts around him.
She's always, you know, talking about how great he is, and sort of flirty-flirty with him.
With Paul? Yeah, I don't get it either.
I don't.
I'm just telling you what I saw.
And if some woman were acting like that around my man, I'd be damn sure to keep an eye on her.
Well, okay.
I appreciate you looking out for me.
Us sisters gotta stick together, right? All right.
Mmm.
Oh, God, these are phenomenal.
[Chuckles.]
Your turn, Sean.
Yeah, no, uh something about those bottom-feeding little shits leads me to believe that they're slimy and underwhelming.
Don't think of them as slimy, think of them as "sublime-y.
" Not to mention, powerful aphrodisiacs.
Well, when in Rome.
[Clicks tongue.]
[Slurping.]
I gotta go wash my mouth out.
See, this is why you shouldn't take me to nice places.
[Both laughing.]
Yuck.
[Door opens.]
Ever have sex in a public restroom? Of course I have.
But, um, certainly never in one as nice as this one.
[Giggles.]
Ooh.
I got something for ya.
Oh, yeah? Come here.
Where is ol', um Oh, who cares? Come here.
I want you all to myself for a change.
Ooh, oh, tastes like oysters.
Oh, yeah? Mmm.
[Bar chatter.]
Hey, pal.
Grab a seat.
Shake off the cold.
Don't mind if I do.
Old friend of mine told me this is a great place to grab a drink on a cold day.
That's what we do.
What do you got? Well, the, uh, "Thirsty Widow" is a crowd favorite.
Ooh, better make me one of them quick.
You got it.
[Computer beeps.]
Hey, hit me, Kirby.
- Hey, how you doing? - Good.
How you doing? Pretty good.
Do you come here often? Now, you're not really trying to pick me up with that old line, are you? [Laughs.]
Oh, no no, I'm not trying to pick you up.
But, you know what, maybe I should be.
You're a very attractive young lady.
Oh, thank you.
I don't know what you heard, but Shay's no lady.
- Screw you, Kirby.
- Okay, time-out.
Let's start again.
Oh, look, I actually happen to have a picture right here of my friend who told me about this place.
Do you know her? Uhhuh.
That's my girl Alexis.
She's in here all the time, we love her.
Where do you know her from? You a pilot too? Yeah.
Yep.
Just hoping to catch up with her on a layover.
- Hmm.
- Shame about her husband, huh? What happened there? Oh, you didn't hear? He died a few months back.
- He died? - Heart attack.
Yeah.
Oh, real food.
I am starving.
You just had sex with him in the bathroom, didn't you? I'm not gonna lie about it.
I did.
Come on, Giselle.
The one thing we had was our deal.
Deal? What deal? Neither one of us is supposed to have sex with you when the other's not around.
It's what we agreed to, Giselle.
I'm sorry, okay? I just wanted to do it once with Sean without your interference.
Interference? Is that what I am, interference? I'm your goddamn husband.
Ooh, look, here's a lovely Cabernet from South Africa.
You know, I hear they're doing really wonderful things with their grapes down there.
Waiter.
- And there you are.
- Thank you.
Thanks so much.
Welcome, how can I help you today? Hi, what room number is Joy Kleinman in? Oh, I'm sorry, we don't give out our hotel guests' information.
Oh, yeah, I understand that, but this is really important.
Ma'am, the privacy of our hotel guests is our utmost priority.
Is there anything else I might be able to help you with today? Yeah, can I talk to your manager? I am the manager.
Is there anything else? Or else, you can have a nice day.
Next.
- How can I - Uh, no.
Look, Bethany, I appreciate that you control this little corner of the world.
And I wish you the very best on your sad little climb to middle management, but sometimes, things are more important than rules.
And right now, I need you to break one, and tell me Joy fucking Kleinman's room number.
One second.
Security to the lobby, please.
And I am sorry if you think my underwear makes me look like a "school marm," but the moment I put on a thong, I have about two minutes before I get a full-blown yeast infection.
Well, we all make sacrifices for each other.
Just the other day Oh, yeah, you wanna talk about sacrifices? She makes me Rollerblade.
And she knows that I get blisters.
And besides, could we pick an activity that's a little less 1999? A little less 1999? Jesus, says the guy who still drives a Miata.
It's like you went through your mid-life crisis at the age of 24.
Can you believe he's a therapist? Well, I mean, I've only seen the framed license on his wall.
At least I have a real profession.
Pilates instructor? Why don't you call it what it really is? Showing your camel toe to complete strangers.
God, you are so threatened by my body.
Why don't you just appreciate it? And next time, when Sean goes down on me, pay attention.
He is so much better than you.
I'm not better.
I'm just different.
Like I care.
The next time she gives me a non-toothy blow job will be the first.
That is so not true.
Oh, please, if you suddenly lost your dental records, you could pull 'em off my cock.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, calm down.
We can work this out.
Certainly three intelligent adults can iron out the wrinkle in our otherwise very well-pressed relationship.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What? Do you see what's happening? No, what's happening? I'm so sorry, babe.
I'm sorry too.
I I'm sorry too? [Sighs.]
Please Someone please just tell me what the hell's going on here.
Sean, when Giselle and I talked about exploring a third party Mmhmm.
We knew there could be issues with the relationship if it didn't work out right.
So I think it's best we stop.
Wait, you're breaking up with me? It's not you, Sean.
It's us.
We're just gonna throw away the most promising, forward-thinking relationship of all time? Don't get needy, Sean.
It's not a sexy color on you.
Neither are your unresolved mother issues.
[Gasps.]
Well, I'm shocked.
I must say, I I thought we had something pretty awesome here, but I guess not.
So fuck you and fuck you.
Don't be an asshole, Sean.
Is that your advice to me, Giselle? Well, here's my advice to you: In your next relationship, if you're gonna insist on ass-play, cut your goddamn fingernails.
And you too, buddy.
Ladies, that lipstick really makes your eyes pop.
Cathy, hi! Hi, I need to talk to you.
Can it wait till later? 'Cause I've got another speaking engagement.
No, it really can't wait, Joy.
Because, you see, I read the email you sent Paul.
Well, I send him lots of emails.
What's got you so wound up, girl? Okay, cut the Pollyanna crap.
'Cause while he might be weak enough to fall for it, I am not dumb enough to stand around and watch it happen.
Well, maybe we should have this discussion in private.
Sure.
Oh, sure.
Where do you suggest we go to talk about you wanting [yelling.]
To fuck my husband? Cathy.
Whatever you think is gonna happen with Paul in Puerto Rico won't.
Because I'm gonna be there.
My entire family's gonna be there.
So all eyes will be on you, lady.
I am far too dignified to stand here and be scolded like a child, but if it's really important to you to have this discussion, we can do it later.
Do not walk away from me.
And you don't patronize me.
Oh, please, Cathy.
My relationship with Paul is purely professional.
Playful at times, yes, because that's the way I roll, but professional.
Now, have I fucked your husband? No.
Would I be surprised if he fucked someone else? No.
Because frankly, Cathy, you are a downer.
Your whole life is about nothing but you.
Granted, I understand.
Cancer sometimes makes people very selfish.
Oh, you are so fucking smug, but you don't fool me for a second.
'Cause despite the $700 boots and the $3,000 suits, and that God-awful lipstick, and that crazy, wrappy, furry thing, you are nothing more than a well-paid, well-dressed home wrecker.
Okay.
All of that negative energy, and all of that anger, you keep it up, your cancer's gonna pop right back, missy.
I did not give myself cancer.
The sun gave me cancer.
It's a flaming ball of radiation! Look, not my anger, not my energy, the sun, that's it.
Look, I'm not done with you.
- Let go of me.
- You are a bitch! Sometimes.
[Horn honking.]
[Tires screeching.]
Call the police! Call 911! Some people miss the bus.
Some people, not so much.
[Phone vibrating.]
[Sirens wailing.]
I'm so grateful I have the chance to do it again.
Maxine, how are you feeling? Besides from the 2 A.
M.
boxing matches in my gut? I'm good.
So, what our grand prize ticket holder will win? God forbid, you do anything nice for anybody else - I give back! - Because to me, you seem pretty fucking selfish.
- Are we gonna see you tomorrow, Alexis? - Most likely.
There's only one thing to do if you're angry.
I'm taking a couple, which makes us a thruple.
What would you say to headlining with me in Puerto Rico? That sounds like a gas.
[Clears throat.]
For the record, I help who I wanna help.
[Car engine starts.]
God be with you.
Dave, throw away your bus pass.
The Big C - 3x08 - "Killjoy" Original air date: 03.
06.
2012.
[Soft rock music.]
It's so hard to turn your life over Step out of your comfort zone Is this some kind of a joke? Will someone wake me up soon And tell me this was just the game we play called life [engine revving.]
[Tires screeching.]
[Rock music.]
Aah! Whoo! Isn't this fun? Slow down.
Cathy, I don't think this is good for the baby.
[Laughing.]
Whatever the surprise is, I don't think it's worth getting a speeding ticket, do you? Ah, there's no one ever on these backcountry roads.
Besides, I just I wanted to open her up one last time.
One last time? Yeah.
That's the surprise.
I'm giving my car away To you guys.
Seriously? You're giving us your car? Cathy, this is amazing.
Oh, please.
I'm so getting the better end of this deal.
I mean, you're giving me a baby.
This is very generous.
Okay, time for someone else to drive.
Come on.
Who's first? [Laughter.]
You take it.
Oh.
Oh, shit.
I forgot.
I can't give you my car.
'Cause that wouldn't really be fair.
What with you actually not having a baby.
- What? - "What?" Don't "what" me, Maxine If that's your real name.
I might be gullible, but I'm not stupid.
- Ugh.
- Cathy, what's going on? And you, you can drop the innocent act.
'Cause it's really starting to piss me off.
Cathy We have a baby.
Hmm.
- [Screams.]
- Jesus, Cathy! Baby's got a bad case of the pillows.
[Cocks gun.]
[Gasps.]
Let's go for a walk.
Go.
Not too fast.
Don't look at me.
Look ahead! Okay, stop! Turn around.
[Gunshot.]
- [Gasps.]
- Jesus Christ.
Why? Why would you do this? Why would you promise a baby to someone that didn't exist? That is not a rhetorical question.
All right, look.
Times are tough, okay? We were desperate.
[Stuttering.]
We-we were just doing what we had to do to get by.
Doing what you had to do to get by? How about a paper route? How about being a barista at a coffee shop? Take off your clothes.
Take off your fucking clothes! Throw them over here.
Okay, I don't have all day.
And it's cold out here.
All of our clothes? All of your clothes.
All right.
[Gasps.]
How you feeling? Little exposed? Stupid? Welcome to the club.
I mean, seriously.
Seriously, you thought somebody would give their baby to a woman with cancer? You do not make me out to be the bad one in this situation.
I wanted to believe that it was possible that someone could see the love and the care that I could give a child, despite my diagnosis.
I am the good one in this situation! So I say, "Yay for fucking me!" What are you doing? You you're just gonna leave us here? [Chuckles.]
Yeah, I am.
If you come near me or my family again, I promise you, next time I will not miss.
In the meantime, I'd start walking.
[Shivering.]
It's a gun In a handkerchief.
They do it in the movies.
I don't really know why.
Oh, maybe they use it to wipe off fingerprints.
Fingerprints? Has it been used in a crime? No.
I just I need you to take it.
I don't trust myself with it anymore.
Okay.
Are you okay? You don't seem like yourself today.
Truth be told, I haven't felt like myself in months.
I need a drink.
Cathy? Oh, honey.
Honey, I am so sorry.
Me too.
Oh.
I'm sorry it took me so long to get back.
I got stuck in godforsaken Omaha.
[Sighs.]
Joy sends her condolences, or, you know, sympathies, regrets.
What's the? I just I don't get it.
I don't understand who could do this to another person.
An asshole, that's who.
That baby was my joy.
They killed my joy.
All right, we'll have those fucking people arrested.
And then, we're gonna sue 'em for every goddamn penny they have.
Well, if we sue anybody, we should sue ourselves.
For being idiots.
Well, I mean, I don't know about you, I'm not gonna let them walk away with $5,000 of our money.
It's more like $10,000.
Huh? What what do you mean, $10,000? I gave Dave some extra money when I thought he and Maxine were going through a tough time.
Whoa.
Honey, you gave them $5,000 of our money without talking to me about it? Sweetie, what has gotten into your recently? It's like you're not thinking straight.
You know, you're drinking in the middle of the day, and getting tattoos.
I mean, what the hell, Cath? I said I'm sorry.
I'm an idiot.
$5,000, though.
Jesus.
Are you seriously more upset about the money right now? Because we just lost a baby.
Well, yeah, I'm upset about the money.
I mean, you know, we had the money.
We never had the baby, turns out.
Of course you're more upset about the money.
- What do you mean by that? - Oh, please.
You never wanted this baby.
It was interrupting your big career.
Honey, why is it that whenever you talk about my career, you do it with such distain? Can't you just be, like, a tiny bit supportive about it? A little bit? I don't wanna go to Puerto Rico.
Fine.
[Exhales.]
Mom, I need you to sign this parent release form.
Yeah, yeah, one one second.
It's just for some stupid field trip wh [Sniffing.]
Do I smell pot? Are you smoking pot? Yep, I am.
Okay, so you're you're smoking pot now.
Mmhmm.
It's for my cancer treatments.
It helps when I have headaches.
Wait, you're having headaches? No, not right now.
Just, it's just call it preventative.
It makes me feel better.
Oh.
So if something makes us feel better, we should just do it, right? Okay.
I hear you.
I should not be smoking.
No, you shouldn't be doing illegal drugs.
It's pot.
I'm not shooting heroin, Adam.
It doesn't matter, mom.
It's still a sin.
Okay when did you turn into this kid? I am trying to respect this whole spiritual journey you're on, but recently, everything that comes out of your mouth has a very self-righteous tone to it.
I mean, what's next? What, you're gonna disavow evolution? You're gonna run off to a commune? You're gonna tell me that the the dinosaurs were killed in a giant flood, because they wouldn't fit on Noah's boat? Mom, just keep smoking your pot, okay? No, you know what? If there is anyone who should be smoking pot, it should be you.
I mean, it might help.
Just open up that mind of yours.
It's gotten pretty narrow these days.
Mom, what the hell are you doing? - [Exhales.]
- Whatever.
Okay, I'll be the adult here.
Because clearly, you wanna be the child.
Just sign this paper when you're done.
[Coughing.]
[Elevator dings.]
[Laughter.]
Oh, my God.
Gotta love a Saturday crowd.
That was fantastic.
Oh, it is so much fun seeing your transformation.
- Whoo! - It's like I took this little lump of coal, and I polished it into a big, shiny diamond.
And, you know, you should believe the hype, Paul, because you were born to do this.
You are really incredible.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
[Elevator dings.]
See you at the show tomorrow.
[Laughter.]
Oh, my God.
Let me see it.
[Metal clanking.]
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
[Shushing.]
Too loud.
Do you, um do you have a flan pan? Flan pan? [Laughing.]
Flan pan.
[Giggling.]
You're high.
I'm very high.
What of it? Oh, nothing.
I'm not judging.
In fact, I wholeheartedly endorse it.
I'm just a little pissed you didn't share, Bogart.
What do you need a flan pan for? Uh, Tim and Giselle and I are having a Spanish-themed date night.
They cook the dinner, I make the dessert.
Then put on a little flamenco music, maybe read a little Cervantes.
Ahha, gracias.
So this "thruple," it's it's not just a sex thing? Oh, at times it is a probing, sucking, fingering, fucking free-for-all.
It is hands down the best, most rewarding relationship I have ever been a part of.
And the best part, none of the emotional bullshit that comes from a regular relationship.
I can quite literally come and go.
[Giggling.]
I forget, is this you high? Just giggling? Giggling.
[Giggling.]
Jesus.
Giggling.
Oh, heads up, minor in the house.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, Mrs.
"J".
Um, I I heard about the whole baby thing, and I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
[Laughing.]
Mrs.
"J"? [Giggling.]
I'm sorry.
No, I'm really I'm really sorry.
I just must be having some some crazy stress reaction To the whole baby thing.
Uh, I wanted to talk to you about something, but I'm gonna come back.
No, no, no, no, no, I'm fine.
You can you can tell me now.
Okay, well, when I was in Omaha with Mr.
"J" and Joy, um, I don't know, I just I got this totally weird vibe from her, you know? Just, you know, the way she acts around him.
She's always, you know, talking about how great he is, and sort of flirty-flirty with him.
With Paul? Yeah, I don't get it either.
I don't.
I'm just telling you what I saw.
And if some woman were acting like that around my man, I'd be damn sure to keep an eye on her.
Well, okay.
I appreciate you looking out for me.
Us sisters gotta stick together, right? All right.
Mmm.
Oh, God, these are phenomenal.
[Chuckles.]
Your turn, Sean.
Yeah, no, uh something about those bottom-feeding little shits leads me to believe that they're slimy and underwhelming.
Don't think of them as slimy, think of them as "sublime-y.
" Not to mention, powerful aphrodisiacs.
Well, when in Rome.
[Clicks tongue.]
[Slurping.]
I gotta go wash my mouth out.
See, this is why you shouldn't take me to nice places.
[Both laughing.]
Yuck.
[Door opens.]
Ever have sex in a public restroom? Of course I have.
But, um, certainly never in one as nice as this one.
[Giggles.]
Ooh.
I got something for ya.
Oh, yeah? Come here.
Where is ol', um Oh, who cares? Come here.
I want you all to myself for a change.
Ooh, oh, tastes like oysters.
Oh, yeah? Mmm.
[Bar chatter.]
Hey, pal.
Grab a seat.
Shake off the cold.
Don't mind if I do.
Old friend of mine told me this is a great place to grab a drink on a cold day.
That's what we do.
What do you got? Well, the, uh, "Thirsty Widow" is a crowd favorite.
Ooh, better make me one of them quick.
You got it.
[Computer beeps.]
Hey, hit me, Kirby.
- Hey, how you doing? - Good.
How you doing? Pretty good.
Do you come here often? Now, you're not really trying to pick me up with that old line, are you? [Laughs.]
Oh, no no, I'm not trying to pick you up.
But, you know what, maybe I should be.
You're a very attractive young lady.
Oh, thank you.
I don't know what you heard, but Shay's no lady.
- Screw you, Kirby.
- Okay, time-out.
Let's start again.
Oh, look, I actually happen to have a picture right here of my friend who told me about this place.
Do you know her? Uhhuh.
That's my girl Alexis.
She's in here all the time, we love her.
Where do you know her from? You a pilot too? Yeah.
Yep.
Just hoping to catch up with her on a layover.
- Hmm.
- Shame about her husband, huh? What happened there? Oh, you didn't hear? He died a few months back.
- He died? - Heart attack.
Yeah.
Oh, real food.
I am starving.
You just had sex with him in the bathroom, didn't you? I'm not gonna lie about it.
I did.
Come on, Giselle.
The one thing we had was our deal.
Deal? What deal? Neither one of us is supposed to have sex with you when the other's not around.
It's what we agreed to, Giselle.
I'm sorry, okay? I just wanted to do it once with Sean without your interference.
Interference? Is that what I am, interference? I'm your goddamn husband.
Ooh, look, here's a lovely Cabernet from South Africa.
You know, I hear they're doing really wonderful things with their grapes down there.
Waiter.
- And there you are.
- Thank you.
Thanks so much.
Welcome, how can I help you today? Hi, what room number is Joy Kleinman in? Oh, I'm sorry, we don't give out our hotel guests' information.
Oh, yeah, I understand that, but this is really important.
Ma'am, the privacy of our hotel guests is our utmost priority.
Is there anything else I might be able to help you with today? Yeah, can I talk to your manager? I am the manager.
Is there anything else? Or else, you can have a nice day.
Next.
- How can I - Uh, no.
Look, Bethany, I appreciate that you control this little corner of the world.
And I wish you the very best on your sad little climb to middle management, but sometimes, things are more important than rules.
And right now, I need you to break one, and tell me Joy fucking Kleinman's room number.
One second.
Security to the lobby, please.
And I am sorry if you think my underwear makes me look like a "school marm," but the moment I put on a thong, I have about two minutes before I get a full-blown yeast infection.
Well, we all make sacrifices for each other.
Just the other day Oh, yeah, you wanna talk about sacrifices? She makes me Rollerblade.
And she knows that I get blisters.
And besides, could we pick an activity that's a little less 1999? A little less 1999? Jesus, says the guy who still drives a Miata.
It's like you went through your mid-life crisis at the age of 24.
Can you believe he's a therapist? Well, I mean, I've only seen the framed license on his wall.
At least I have a real profession.
Pilates instructor? Why don't you call it what it really is? Showing your camel toe to complete strangers.
God, you are so threatened by my body.
Why don't you just appreciate it? And next time, when Sean goes down on me, pay attention.
He is so much better than you.
I'm not better.
I'm just different.
Like I care.
The next time she gives me a non-toothy blow job will be the first.
That is so not true.
Oh, please, if you suddenly lost your dental records, you could pull 'em off my cock.
Guys, guys, guys, guys, calm down.
We can work this out.
Certainly three intelligent adults can iron out the wrinkle in our otherwise very well-pressed relationship.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
What? Do you see what's happening? No, what's happening? I'm so sorry, babe.
I'm sorry too.
I I'm sorry too? [Sighs.]
Please Someone please just tell me what the hell's going on here.
Sean, when Giselle and I talked about exploring a third party Mmhmm.
We knew there could be issues with the relationship if it didn't work out right.
So I think it's best we stop.
Wait, you're breaking up with me? It's not you, Sean.
It's us.
We're just gonna throw away the most promising, forward-thinking relationship of all time? Don't get needy, Sean.
It's not a sexy color on you.
Neither are your unresolved mother issues.
[Gasps.]
Well, I'm shocked.
I must say, I I thought we had something pretty awesome here, but I guess not.
So fuck you and fuck you.
Don't be an asshole, Sean.
Is that your advice to me, Giselle? Well, here's my advice to you: In your next relationship, if you're gonna insist on ass-play, cut your goddamn fingernails.
And you too, buddy.
Ladies, that lipstick really makes your eyes pop.
Cathy, hi! Hi, I need to talk to you.
Can it wait till later? 'Cause I've got another speaking engagement.
No, it really can't wait, Joy.
Because, you see, I read the email you sent Paul.
Well, I send him lots of emails.
What's got you so wound up, girl? Okay, cut the Pollyanna crap.
'Cause while he might be weak enough to fall for it, I am not dumb enough to stand around and watch it happen.
Well, maybe we should have this discussion in private.
Sure.
Oh, sure.
Where do you suggest we go to talk about you wanting [yelling.]
To fuck my husband? Cathy.
Whatever you think is gonna happen with Paul in Puerto Rico won't.
Because I'm gonna be there.
My entire family's gonna be there.
So all eyes will be on you, lady.
I am far too dignified to stand here and be scolded like a child, but if it's really important to you to have this discussion, we can do it later.
Do not walk away from me.
And you don't patronize me.
Oh, please, Cathy.
My relationship with Paul is purely professional.
Playful at times, yes, because that's the way I roll, but professional.
Now, have I fucked your husband? No.
Would I be surprised if he fucked someone else? No.
Because frankly, Cathy, you are a downer.
Your whole life is about nothing but you.
Granted, I understand.
Cancer sometimes makes people very selfish.
Oh, you are so fucking smug, but you don't fool me for a second.
'Cause despite the $700 boots and the $3,000 suits, and that God-awful lipstick, and that crazy, wrappy, furry thing, you are nothing more than a well-paid, well-dressed home wrecker.
Okay.
All of that negative energy, and all of that anger, you keep it up, your cancer's gonna pop right back, missy.
I did not give myself cancer.
The sun gave me cancer.
It's a flaming ball of radiation! Look, not my anger, not my energy, the sun, that's it.
Look, I'm not done with you.
- Let go of me.
- You are a bitch! Sometimes.
[Horn honking.]
[Tires screeching.]
Call the police! Call 911! Some people miss the bus.
Some people, not so much.
[Phone vibrating.]
[Sirens wailing.]