The Detour (2016) s03e08 Episode Script

1 This is such bullshit.
Are you sure you should be looking at all this stuff? It's not a crime to guess someone's password.
It's "Nate Parker", by the way.
You know, when the feds show up at the wedding, that that's the worst.
It's supposed to be ceremony, reception, consummation, then incarceration.
Well, they were there for my dad mostly, - but they were gonna get me, too.
- It don't matter none! No feds at weddings! Nor funerals! You people got no respect! No disrespect.
A lot changes in seven months.
Okay.
Just remember this is big tuna, the main guy, this guy, yeah, Team Delta's heading into this tiny square.
- We're not taking - Holy shit.
This is the Parker house.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
Ugh! Aah! [Groaning.]
You up for a cup of coffee and a piece of pie? Not really.
It wasn't a question.
So, how've you been? You look good.
Have you lost weight? 'Cause I haven't.
[Laughs.]
Are you gonna eat your pie? - I told you, I didn't want any.
- Great.
Mmm.
You want to tell me what the hell's going on here? Um, I'm eight months pregnant and hungry as shit, - like, all the time.
- Right.
But I [Slurping.]
[Slurping continues.]
Mmm.
[Burps.]
Just came back up.
It just came back up real bad.
Still tastes good.
[Sighs.]
Man look at us sitting here.
Two former lovers.
- Sorry, what? - Please.
- I know you felt it, too.
- I didn't.
Okay, well, denial's a necessary part of breaking up, I get it.
So, listen, let's talk about tomorrow.
Your piece-of-shit father-in-law is going down - and so is your "wife.
" - For what? Only conspiracy, if she has a good lawyer.
Well, lucky for her, she does, and I'm about to call him right now, so If you breathe a word of this to anyone, I will take you down with them.
I will not like it, but I'll do it, and your kids will become wards of the state.
I'll take 'em out tonight.
- We'll run.
You'll never find us again.
- Oh, man.
You don't have the skills to pull off that type of extraction.
I mean, you're the idiot who fell in love with a federal agent.
Are you kidding me? I didn't fall - No! - No, no! How dare you force a kiss on a federal officer like that?! - I - [Gasps.]
I mean, the passion is still there, obviously, but this cannot happen.
I mean, I would love to, because I am like super-horny 24/7, but I can't.
Or can I? I have an extra motel room, so - No.
- Say No.
No! No.
I will not.
[Sighs.]
Here's my advice to you.
Save yourself a world of hurt and just walk away and never look back.
Listen to me right now.
I will never walk away from my family.
Then I hope you enjoy prison.
- Stop it! - Stop it! - You stop! - I You stop.
Somewhere behind the mountains There is a place I'm thinkin' [Distorted music plays.]
Look around.
Oh, shit.
- Run.
- Run where? Out front, three minutes.
This is an extraction.
- Did you bring my dad? - No, it's just me.
I'm just saying, my dad would be really helpful right now.
Just, three minutes, out front.
Delilah? [Whispers.]
We have to run.
- Where are you going? - I got to go get my alpaca.
Oh, my God.
You're 14.
You don't need Hold your positions.
Something's going down.
Jared, come on.
We got to go.
It's time to run.
Can you check the schedule and see if I have time for a run? No, we have a Google Hangout with Al Gore's assistant.
Oh, I don't think I'll be able to make it.
It's Al Gore's assistant! We're discussing the banning of rolling coal.
Okay, well, you tell that first-place loser this is an oil state.
Go get your sister.
Take my phone.
Go.
Where the hell is J.
R.
? You promised me he'd be here.
- He's gonna be here.
He RSVP'd.
- Oh, yeah? Well, I want you to know that if you're wrong, I'm putting you back in prison.
- That wasn't part of the deal.
- Aw.
Deals change.
Vanessa?! Wait, where are you going? Vanessa?! I'm a witness! Protect me! What kind of program is this?! He'll be right here.
He just went Hey, Mark.
How's it going? Vanessa?! Come on! We have to run.
They found us.
I don't know how, but they found us, so come on.
- I ratted you out.
- What?! I'm sorry! I didn't have any options! That woman over there is obsessed with you guys.
What? What woman? Oh, just run.
She's gonna take away your kids.
My God, I hate you so much! Just come with us.
Come with us.
I can't.
I have an ankle monitor.
Oh.
But I can buy you a couple minutes to get away.
Trust me.
They're playing chess, I'm playing checkers.
Come on, let's go.
She won't get far.
I've got her ankle-monitored.
USPIS has ankle monitors? Do you have anything bigger than this? How big's your dog? Uh, about 5'5", 110 pounds.
- Oh, big one.
- Yeah.
What breed? Uh, mixed, Caucasian-Latina.
- [Electricity crackles.]
- [Grunts.]
Since when do ankle monitors shock you? [Grunting, panting.]
- [Electricity crackles.]
- Aah! [Grunting.]
Where'd she go? Where'd she go?! The bride! Jes The one in the white dress! Hey! Hey! Oh, my God.
I love you guys so much! Okay, now get in the [bleep.]
truck.
Hey.
Hi, sweetheart.
- Oh, my God.
You look so beautiful.
- You You look, um A stripper on ice skates set me on fire.
Oh, okay.
So, you had time to plan an extraction, - but not to put pants on? - No, it's fine.
- [Grunts.]
They're really comfortable.
- Okay.
I'm never getting married, am I? You've been married.
Like 20 times.
Hey, man! We're all here! We're set to go.
- Hey.
Whoa.
- God.
Aren't we gonna need that to fly? And live? You said that we might run into some trouble with the constabulary, so I'm turning this into a ghost plane.
No tracking mechanisms, including radio.
- Who's this guy? - Huh? - Who are you? - Sleepy.
I'm Sleepy.
Well, then you shouldn't be flying a plane.
It's a nickname.
- His name's Sleepy.
- I'm a retired Yeah? You're a retired mattress salesman, you told me.
That's right.
I've told you that.
I'm a retired mattress Sleepy person.
But that's all over now.
I've always dreamt of being a pilot and I became one, just after they had diagnosed me with terminally something.
What? You try finding a bush pilot that'll evade the police on short notice.
[Mumbling.]
Great.
- That's - [Mumbling.]
Why don't you tell her about the videos you make? Yeah, I make videos for people interested in f-flying.
Yeah, we're all fine.
Thank you.
- Oh, God.
- He's gonna be fine.
You're gonna be fine, right? He's gonna be fine.
Oh, my God.
We're gonna be fine.
Kids, come on, come on, come on, come on.
Yeah.
Yeah, come on.
- Hustle.
- Yeah, come on.
Get on, get on.
I call shotgun.
Nate: All right, guys, buckle up.
We're going for a bumpy ride to the one place no one will ever find us Mother Russia.
What are you doing? [Engine shuts off.]
- [Engine starts.]
- What? [No audio.]
I can't hear you! Turn up your volume! - We can't mo - Aah! Jesus Christ! Turn it down! [No audio.]
Oh, now, it's down too far.
Turn it back up.
- Like this? - No! Set it in between! We can't move to Russia.
We're not moving there, okay? We're going to meet your dad and he's gonna figure it all out.
Russia is the last stop on the international crime run, okay? For the love of God, Mother, dial it down! At least switch your bickering to a different channel! - Sorry.
- Okay.
Are we all good? We're good.
Let's go.
I like her.
She's a firecracker.
Yes, she is.
Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop.
We can't do this.
You're right.
We have to stop running and deal with this shit.
No, no, I wasn't saying stop.
I'm just saying, let's find some other place in America to go to.
Where would you like to go? We're kind of out of room.
No, we need to stop before this gets dangerous.
Do you want me to go to jail again? What do you mean, again? I I mean, like, I'm saying like, again.
Do you want me to go to jail? 'Cause I've asked you that already, so I'm I'm asking you that again.
Oh, my God! You've been to jail! - Who hasn't? - [Sirens wailing.]
Lloyd: Why are you driving that shitty mail truck? This is my official vehicle.
Does it go any faster?! No, it does not! Do not let that plane get off the ground! [Wailing continues.]
Ah, shit.
Okay, you got to stop, man.
You got to stop.
Dude, you got to throttle down, okay? Keep driving, you dickless hicks.
They're not gonna take off.
They don't have enough road.
We don't have enough road.
Yes, we do.
Don't be a chicken.
Oh, you want to play chicken with me? - You can't play with me.
- Lloyd: Are you crazy?! My God.
She's bat-shit crazy! Come on! Get some! Oh, my God! Oh, God.
She's not gonna stop! I do not stop! - Stop! - Oh, my God! - Stop! - Uhh! - Stop! Stop! - Stop! - Ah! - Oh, my God! [All screaming.]
Oh, sh No! No! [Crying.]
Okay.
All right.
That was fun.
Sleepy, I know I asked you to fly under the radar, but this seems a little low.
I'm no plane guy, but this mountain seems a little too close for comfort, no? - Whoa! Whoa! - [All screaming.]
Okay, okay, we're good! No problem.
Just a bit of turbulence.
That's just flying talk for bumpy air.
It's got to do with jet pockets and air streams and I Actually I don't really know.
I'm gonna look it up when we get home, though.
- Whoa! Whoa! - [All screaming.]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa! Sh Oh! [Laughs.]
That was fun, huh? It's all part of little-plane flying.
Nothing to be worried about.
It's gonna be over real soon.
Sleepy's gonna turn us around.
We're gonna be on solid ground in no time.
Sleepy? Sleepy? - Sleep? - What's wrong? Sleeping maybe? I don't know.
- Well, wake him up! - I'm trying to! Sleepy?! Sleepy?! - Is he breathing? - I don't know.
His volume is at a reasonable level.
Sleepy?! Sleepy?! Sleepy?! Sleepy?! Sleepy?! - Delilah: Is he dead?! - No! No.
[As Sleepy.]
No, I'm fine, little firecracker.
I'm just sleepy, as my name would suggest.
- You're not helping! - Oh, and you are?! Oh, my God.
Are we gonna die? No.
No, we're not gonna die.
- We're gonna radio for help.
- With what? He ripped it out, because you hired a ghost plane.
I was trying to do what's best for our family.
I'm gonna Google what to do if you're on a plane with a dead pilot.
- I'm Googling what happens when we die.
- Nothing.
- I knew it! - Oh, come on.
She means nothing, because we're not gonna die.
Airplane fails, uh, crash-landing compilations, uh, uh, uh, worst air disasters Sweetie, if you have a signal, call the police.
- They can come rescue us.
- And when what? Jump to the police plane? No.
Google how to land a plane if your pilot is sleepy.
Okay, uh, how to land a plane when your pilot is sleepy.
Okay, this one's perfect.
Hi.
I'm retired mattress salesman Morty "Sleepy" Timmins.
[ Slow tempo music plays.]
And I'm about to go up to the beautiful Brooks Range Oh, God.
To teach my friend and mattress colleague Taylor how to fly a plane.
Funny story about Taylor Jesus Christ, skip ahead! I'm about to hit you with a lot of details.
Believe me, this is not the sort of thing you can absorb in one pass.
Skip it.
And touch down.
Nice job, Taylor.
Too far! Go back! [Laughs.]
I know everyone's talking about memory foam these days, Taylor.
Keep skipping! Okay.
Let's use the rudder - What's a rudder? - What's happening? My phone only has one bar.
Gently, aileron.
Aileron? Is he even speaking English?! Wave it around to get the signal.
Higher! Get higher! How high? We're already in the sky.
No matter what, never, never, ever under any circumstances Under any circumstances do what? Push that button.
Never.
It's dead.
The signal's dead! Just like us! Nate: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! I got it! I got it! I got it! Hold on! Hold on! Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
There's some smooth air.
All right, I'm getting the hang of this.
If you want to go left, you turn a little left.
All right.
Don't worry.
I got her.
If we want to go right, we just turn her right.
That's it.
Yeah! How great is that, huh? And then I pull back and we go up a little bit.
Whoo! And if we want to go down, we just push it in.
[All screaming.]
- Too much in! - No, no, no! Too much in! Too much in! I got it! There we go! Okay.
- Don't you ever do that again! - I know! I know it was just a little too much in, but I got it, okay? I am in full control until we land.
And now we just need to find a nice, smooth place to land, so, everybody, look around.
Look out for a-a long stretch of flat-ish land.
No flat-ish, just flat, very flat.
- Well, what about a road? - Why? Do you see a road? Where? No, I was just saying, if I found a road, - would that be a good place to land? - What do you think?! No, listen.
We're not gonna find any roads.
There are only like eight in the state.
What about that mountain? It's flat, but it's kind of tilted like this.
Oh, my God! Do you guys want to die?! I thought you said we're not going to die! We're not! We're not! We're gonna be fine, okay? Now, just look out the [bleep.]
window and find a place to land.
What do you guys really think happens when we die? Oh, honey, haven't we already had this discussion? Will we go to Heaven, being such horrible people? I mean why not? No, probably not, no.
You can't even lie about Heaven in a life-threatening situation? Sweetheart, sweetheart.
You're going to go to Heaven, okay? And when it's your time to go I'm not saying now, but when it's your time, all your friends are gonna be there.
- I don't have any friends.
- Well, then we're gonna be there for you, all of us.
- Do you guys still suck in Heaven? - All right, you know what? Why don't you save your bullshit for the afterlife? [Scoffs.]
Fine.
What do we do in "Heaven"? Oh, man, what don't you do, you know? - Just a-all of it.
- Like what? Like all the things there is to do up there.
Like jumping, you know, puzzles, good fun, and bowling.
- I suck at bowling.
- No, not in Heaven you don't.
In Heaven, you're a regular what's his name? The fat guy that bowls all the strikes? What about movies? Can I watch movies? Oh, you bet, pal.
What happens when the movies run out? They don't.
But if they do, you know, then we start watching the sequels and the reboots and the replacement cast and the all-female cast that's, you know, the same, but, you know, totally different.
What if I lost a leg on Earth? Will I have one leg in Heaven? Or will it grow back? What if I died of cancer? Will I still have cancer in Heaven? Will I have Heaven cancer?! Is there Heaven cancer?! There is no Heaven, is there? Absolutely not.
What is that? Oh, what is that? Where? What side? Port.
I don't see anything.
Other side.
Port, port.
I wouldn't call it a port.
There's no water, but that's definitely a town.
And that looks like a road, no? Yeah, and it's flat-ish.
All right, well, I say we go for it.
Okay.
Here we go.
Starting our approach right now.
Little bank left.
Boom.
Yeah.
That's right, Captain Nate Parker requesting permission to land.
Alpha Tango Niner, we're coming in hot on Runway Foxtrot.
Please don't let our last few precious moments on this planet be you playing pretend pilot.
How is this pretend?! I'm actually flying, okay?! But we're gonna do great.
We're gonna do great, 'cause I got this.
We're coming in for a nice, smooth landing.
Whoo! - I love you, Mom.
- I love you, too.
- And I love you, Delilah.
- Ugh.
Uh, really? And eye roll now? Fine.
I love you, too.
No, if you're gonna use that tone, then what's the point? - Let's everybody hold hands.
- Hey, hey, hey, no! - Hands on the wheel.
You're flying.
- God forbid, we had one moment of closeness before we die.
Which we're not going to.
'Cause I am in full control.
Here we go.
Let's get some.
[All screaming.]
It's okay! It's okay! It's okay! I got this! [Screaming continues.]
Whoo! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We're gonna die! I got it! [Engine sputtering.]
[Thud.]
What do you mean you can't get me a team? They are lost.
Two of them are children! What kind of a dumb-ass hick, stupid t I got to go.
I just called the so-called USPIS Agency and they tell me you're on a mental-health sabbatical.
Now, since I don't want to get fired for helping a mental patient, let's just pretend this little episode didn't happen.
Do you understand? There is a plane crashed out there! This is Alaska! There's always a plane crashed out there.
And when people report a missing person, real agencies like mine, the FBI, will send help.
Until then, you can go back to whatever loony bin or yoga retreat that will get your head right.
Are we clear? - Crystal.
- What? Yes.
[Tank horn honks "Dixie".]
[Honking stops.]
Afternoon, ma'am.
We heard you're putting together a posse.
Yeah, I was.
What are you guys, some crazy secessionist group? No, ma'am.
We're the Army.
Alaskan Free State battalion.
First mountain division! How many divisions are there? One.
Well I could do worse.
And I could definitely do better, but I could certainly do worse.
Let's roll.
General Carol, we got ourselves a mission! Hooah!