The Epic Tales of Captain Underpants (2018) s03e08 Episode Script
The Bad Beat of the Blah Borelock
1 This is George Beard and Harold Hutchins.
George is the kid on the left with the tie and the flattop.
Harold is on the right with the T-shirt and the bad haircut.
Remember that, now, because they are dangling 7,843 feet off the ground.
Rockrobatics is way easier than I thought it'd be.
Yeah, it's like riding a bike, but on a rock.
Help! I'm too sweaty for rock climbing! I'm slippery when wet! Don't worry, Stanley! We'll show you the ropes.
-Pun intended.
-Yes.
Pun-believable.
No! You're swinging in with too much confidence! -We got this.
-Oops! I got him! No, I don't! Sweaty palms.
Sophie One, like, catch him! Other Sophie, why can't you catch? Right through my fingers! Gotta grab him like a marlin.
Yay! Thanks.
I thought I was a goner.
So George and Harold make comic books - We're cool! - Me, too! Now they're summering at summer camp And Mr.
Krupp is, too Once they used the hypno-ring And first they made him dance Then accidentally, kinda on purpose Turned him into Captain Underpants Tra-la-la! With a snap, he's the Captain Flying through the trees And don't forget when he gets wet You're sure to feel the squeeze! Put it all together What could possibly go wrong? Now this is the end Of the Captain Underpants song! -By George Beard and Harold Hutchins - Tra-la-camp! The Bad Beat of the Blah Borelock.
Chapter 1: Curve Fall.
George and Harold are now 7,000 feet above the ground.
Make that 6,000.
Make that 5,000.
You get it.
-I never got to drive a car! -I never had a tuna melt! We had them for lunch yesterday! -Bo ate, like, 13 of them.
-Oh, yeah.
Kinda fishy.
Anyway -Ugh.
-We're frozen again.
Yup, the kids were playing Virtual Camp at real camp.
Yes, it is sad.
The Wi-Fi here is the worst! 'Cause Krupp's got the cheapest plan.
Can I take a break? My arm is yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah burning.
-That reminds me of a story.
-No! Keep cranking that manual Wi-Fi! I'm downloading Chef Pets, all 17 seasons, and I'm only on episode two.
That reminds me of another story.
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.
Nope-nope-nope.
Guys, like, the Wi-Fis are back.
This tree feels so real.
Real! This is just wrong, like "broccoli on pizza" wrong.
- Ew, what? - We had no choice.
Krupp made real camp so boring, we had to go fake for fun camp stuff, like canoeing and fishing.
- And whatever Bo's doing.
- I'm riding a dinosaur! He's not even wearing goggles.
But he is eating a tuna melt.
Curious.
Why are we settling for imitation nature when we're in nature? We gotta turn off the fake and crank the real to 11.
I wanna rough it in the wild, like Stark Rangers! Stark Rangers Gonna leave you all alone - Stark Rangers - With no shelter or a phone Pay us to abandon you in the middle of the woods for 24 hours with nothing but a glow stick and a mouthful of water.
Stark Rangers! Stark Rangers! Ah! Whoa, nice eagles, guys.
Tuna melt? Sky surfing? Panther wrestling? Defying physics? Stark Rangers would turn the whole summer around.
Too bad Krupp will say no, 'cause he says no to everything.
No! No! No.
And no.
No.
No! No! No! Oh, no.
No! No! No! Not now! No! No! No.
No! No! No.
No! No.
And no.
No.
No! No! No! Oh, no.
No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Yeah, but this time we're asking him to abandon us in the woods.
He'd have to be crazy to say no.
Yeah, crazy! Those are Melvin's.
He's gonna kill us! I got swept up in the moment.
It's okay.
It happens.
Yeah, it happens! -Huh? -Hey! -I didn't mean it should happen again! -What's wrong with me? I'm a slave to my emotions! What is happening? And why are you destroying my Fantasee-ers 2000s? -Ah! -This waltz feels so real.
-I'm worried Bo's losing it.
-I blame the tuna melts.
Ha! And they say TV's out of ideas.
That yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah reminds me of the time I saw a dog eat a bowl of food.
No more boring stories! I'm trying to watch Chef Pets! What color was the yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah bowl? Was it yeah-yeah red or char-yeah-yeah-treuse? I don't care! Me neither.
I'm yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah color-blind.
Did I mention a dog? Enough! You're here to crank, not bore me into a coffin! Now let me watch Chef Pets in peace.
Maybe it wasn't a dog.
Maybe it was yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah my neighbor.
Oh! Never mind.
I'm gonna go Chef Pet myself some lunch.
This Chef Pets recipe is just raw meat and drool.
Okay.
-We wanna rough it! -Ah! -Like Stark Rangers! -No! That reminds me of a really long story about a cardboard box.
And now, the cardboard box story.
-How does it yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah start? -It's already-- Wait.
You want me to dump you in the woods with nothing? -Except a glow stick.
-And a mouthful of water.
For 24 hours! Guys, if George and Harold want something, the answer is always no! It's policy! My hands are tied! Of course the answer is no.
Then again, it's a whole day without George and Harold.
And if Meaner chaperones, goodbye, boring stories.
And if we're lucky, they'll run into Bigfoot.
I'm buying what you're selling, Sneaky Krupp.
And then we erase their identities and put them in a container ship headed for Buenos Aires.
You always go too far, Sneakier Krupp, but keep swinging.
Fine! -Mr.
Meaner will chaperone.
-Chaperone? -I can't yeah-yeah-yeah eat dairy.
-What? You're gonna babysit them in the woods! Oh.
Who will watch yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah me? Chapter 2: Outward Downed.
"No eating, drinking or telemarketing on the bus.
" "Red alert: giant mooing butts.
" Do you think people will get it? Airtight argument.
I've never been prouder to call you my friend.
- Stark Rangers! -Play it again! -I knew they'd be on board.
So you're gonna make life as hard as possible for them.
-You mean like math? -No.
Just keep them on their toes.
Oh, ballet.
That's brutal.
No, ballet is beautiful.
I want you to make them miserable.
And if they run into Bigfoot, even better.
Got it.
And what's in it for yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah me? -I'll let you tell me one story.
-Ooh! And now, the cardboard box story-- Not now! So, you get the plan? What yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah plan? You know what? Just do what you're doing and don't change a thing.
All right, you're in the wild with nothing, because sometimes dreams come true, so have fun.
- Oh, and watch out for Bigfoot.
- Wait.
My glow stick doesn't glow.
-And it looks like a regular stick.
-Keep shaking it.
What about the mouthful of water? Refreshing! Adios! Yes! We're officially roughing it.
This is living! Okay, I know you're dying to tell us.
What's with the hat? Well, since you destroyed my Fantasee-er 2000s, I've invented the Capcoon 2000, a fully immersive virtual reality experience.
So, while you clearance racks are eating each other to "survive," I'll be inside my hat playing a little VR game I created called "Seminar.
" "Mine Your Inner Melvin" is the tunnel to success.
And today, I will give you the excavation explosives.
A game where you give a speech? -What could be more boring? -Meaner telling a story? And now, the cardboard box story.
Once I had this yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah cardboard box.
Let him be boring.
That won't stop us from Stark Rangersing.
Stark Rangersing! Unofficial Stark-Rangersing! Unfortunately, Stark Rangersing wasn't as easy as it looked on TV.
Think you can run to the top like they do on Stark Rangers? -Physically impossible.
-Why not? I'm already sweat-wet! Huh! -Why's that waterfall so mean? -See? Impossible.
Unlicensed Stark-Rangersing! We're gonna swing so haaard! Guess we need a thicker branch.
Ugh! Quit showing off, Other Sophie! Knockoff Stark-Rangersing! -We couldn't find a panther to wrestle.
-Best we could do was this squirrel.
Aw, he's so cute.
I'll go easy on him.
Cease and desist Stark Rangersing! Now that I dumped Meaner and the kids in the woods, it's just gonna be me, Chef Pets on a loop, and a big, fat drool steak.
These trees are all the same.
Why aren't there roads in forests? Drool steak.
Man, our Stark Rangersing really went off the rails.
Yeah.
Our log cabin looked a lot different in my head.
I was wrong.
We need less logs.
And these pine phones get terrible reception.
Probably 'cause they're pine cones.
That badger does not like being milked.
And Other Sophie has termiiites.
We need to, like, tent her.
I hate to say it, but I think TV commercials might exaggerate, like the one for that foot spray.
Toe-Tall, it cures athlete's foot and makes you taller.
-You do look a little taller.
-'Cause that stuff made my feet swell.
Ew, what? What? Today is so bad, it makes Meaner's story seem good.
And now, the cardboard box story.
And you're never gonna guess what was in that cardboard box.
A griffin in a chariot made of rainbow fire that flies you away from this story? Help! Close! Another yeah-yeah-yeah box.
Even Melvin's having a better time than we are.
And you'll tap into your rich, hidden deposit of Melvinite! After 20 years of unpaid labor in my actual copper mines nestled in exotic, unpredictable Mongolia.
We've gotta light a fire under this campfire.
With a campfire comic! -You brought paper and pencils? -On me at all times.
Chapter 3: Captain Underpants and the Blah Borelock! By George Beard and Harold Hutchins.
So, once there was a guy whose stories bored everyone-- kids, domestic cattle, paint, even his parents Dennis and Celia.
Honkshoo, honkshoo.
"Dennis, wake up, I heard a noise.
" But the guy was all, "I deserve cheers, not snores," so he enrolled in Munkchip Night School of Magic Stuff.
Magic! To earn respect and 'cause he had a coupon.
And he got a certificate in practical sorcery and became Borelock, the Wizard of Dullness, class of Thursday Snore Thunder Noise! Then when he told a story, like, "Once I bought milk," people didn't just fall asleep or pretend to be on the phone, they got bored stiff.
Like, for real.
They couldn't move 'cause sorcery.
And Borelock was all, "Now they have to listen to my stories.
So will the rest of the world.
" And Borelock set out to make the world his captive audience with stories about cleaning his carpet, returning duplicate birthday presents, and shopping for placemats.
What? Luckily, Captain Underpants was returning a can opener with that had a bad attitude.
And he saw Borelock was turning other customers into statues-- stiff-- with tales of lost luggage.
"Where'd it go?" And Captain Underpants was all, "I like luggage mysteries," but even he got boralized.
Everything but his tongue.
- And Captain Underpants was all - 'cause frozen face.
And he made his tongue a lasso-- gross-- and tongue-tied Borelock! Skloosh! And Borelock bawled and was all, "I just want someone to listen to my sock stories!" So Captain Underpants did 'cause he can sleep with his eyes open.
Okay, the end.
Chapter 4: Bore Than A Feeling.
The bus did it! Wait, where am I? Mother? Did you forget to shave again? Ah! Bigfoot! Wait, Bigfoot's not real.
You can't fool me, George and Harold.
I know this is a cheap costume.
Look at that mask.
-Huh? -And these fake fangs, sharp as envelopes.
Wow, they're really in there.
Wait, genuine fur, wet couch smell, humongous feet.
Ah! You are real! And you're charming me with 800-thread-count sheets, spa music, and crabs Benedict, so you can eat me when I least expect it! No reason to waste this.
-It worked! -Yeah.
But Meaner's boxes are gonna let the air out of our fun balloon.
And now, the cardboard box story.
And inside was box number eight.
Unless we let the air out of him.
Mr.
Meaner, we need firewood.
Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, I'll go rustle up more.
And I'll tell you all about it when I yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah get back.
Note the genius of the Melvin mining system is I do the thinking and you do all the work.
And-- pause.
Pee-mergency! Uh, nobody touch my hat! All I heard was, "touch my hat.
" -Game of hat catch? -Don't mind if I do.
Whoa! That hat's got some lift.
Maybe it'll come back, like a hatterang.
The hat didn't return, but it did pass through a swarm of lost tsetse flies, a field of otherworldly spores, and a cloud of enchanted smoke from a tree elves' oven.
Phone lady, find a firewood store.
And then, in an unexpected twist, the altered Capcoon 2000 collided with Mr.
Meaner, went haywire and turned him into Borelock.
It's story t-t-t-time.
That hat's not gonna er-rang.
Yeah, Melvin's gonna lose it.
Whoa, that hat did er-rang on Mr.
Meaner! Why is he levitating? Why are you floating like you're on a magic carpet made of car exhaust? It's a great story.
It all started at the beginning of t-t-t-time.
Whoa! He just bored Gooch stiff.
Finally, I have the power to make people listen to my stories-- coworkers, neighbors, the mailman.
Soon, the world will be my captive audience.
The hat turned him into Borelock.
Last night, I had a dream.
I was a can of paint, but I didn't know which kind.
Was I an outdoor g-g-g-gloss? I-I can't move! Neither can my sweat.
Or was I an indoor paint? Something like a s-s-s-satin? Out-dull him, Other Sophie! All you have to do is be you! Which is actually a sealant, not p-p-p-paint.
Selfless heroism! Why, Dressy, why-- -There's a lesson.
-Don't touch Melvin's things? No.
Run! My Capcoon 2000! Or was I matte e-e-e-enamel? -Oh, no.
-Which tends to be more durable-- E-Except in high heat and humid-- Or was I an eggshell sh-sh-sh-sheen? Chapter 5: Run, Bore-est, Run.
We've gotta get Captain Underpants before Borelock stops the world.
And then it's nothing but stories about flossing and haircuts.
Gotta get away from Bigfoot! This crabs Benedict is slowing me down, but I can't stop eating it! -He's right behind us! -He's right behind me! -Borelock! Borelock! -Bigfoot! Bigfoot! -Mr.
Krupp! What are you -Doing here? No time for questions.
Running from Bigfoot.
And eating crabs Benedict.
-Bigfoot? -Focus, Harold.
We've got enough on our plate.
Not me! I'm in the, mm, clean plate club! Tra-la-leftovers! 'Cause there's food spilled on me and it's delicious.
Captain Underpants, there's a crazy wizard who wants to bore us stiff with his stories.
That reminds me of a story.
Chapter 6: The Incredibly Graphic Violence Chapter in Story-O-Rama, because a story is only interesting if it has pictures.
Borelock the wizard unleashed a lame tale.
If stories were bagels, his would be stale.
The Captain swung hard with a fistful of bagel, but Borelock's yarn yawn was too dull to finagle.
The feeble fable did our hero no harm, except the brave Captain could not move his arm.
Oh, no! My arm's on strike! But why can the rest of you move? Because it takes a lot to completely bore Captain Underpants.
Ooh-hoo-hoo! Bubbles! This is getting good! And to have him as a house guest.
Okay if I use the dog as a towel? You've gotta beat Borelock before the rest of your body gets bored.
Yeah, 'cause I can't do anything without my body.
That reminds me of the time I waited in a waiting r-r-r-room.
Oh, no.
There goes my other arm.
It's like spaghetti before you cook it.
Oh, well.
Waistband windmill! -The waiting room had ch-ch-ch-chairs.
-Ah! Ah! Butt lock! He put my heinie on hold.
My booty's off duty.
My tush has been shushed.
They also had a welcome mat to clean your f-f-f-feet.
There go my gams! Ooh, I got another.
My twerk's out of work.
And ceiling t-t-t-tiles.
And now my elegant neck.
And a drinking f-f-f-fountain.
And my tongue.
Going down! Leave him alone! He's had enough! Yeah, don't bore him, bore us! Tell us about your family vacation.
Or your stamp collection, or coin collection, or any collection.
I saved my best story for last.
It was garbage d-d-d-day.
- No! - No! Which is Tuesday, and I was taking out the trash.
Whoa! It's Bigfoot! He's saving us! An unexpected plot twist! Whoa! He has pine cones in his ears to block out Borelock's stories! Whoa, that's smart! Ah! Guys, guys, guys! I can move my spleen again! Ha-ho! Hey, he's got some zing in his swing! And so do we! Excitement must be the antidote to boredom.
Makes sense.
If you're bored and you see something exciting, you won't be bored anymore.
- And that's a - Fact Smack! But he's not all the way back, so we should hit him with the most exciting thing there is.
-You brought our comics? -On me at all times.
Hey, Cap, check out this comic about the Abominable Altitooth.
Whoa, that's awesome! -Or the one with Beastly Barfilisk! -Or Slimy Salamangler! Tra-la-limber! Ha-ho! Thanks! That put the funk back in my trunk.
Ha! Yes! They're winning.
Yeah, but they haven't seen my vacation photos of the Grand Canyon.
It's 6,327 blurry photos of the same thing from slightly different a-a-a-angles.
No! They're losing! -We need more excitement.
-I know just the guy.
Borelock said you're a wimp.
Did it work? Grr! Huh? Ah! Chapter 7: To Make a Long Story Short it worked.
Captain Underpants, Bigfoot and the squirrel lit up Borelock, deactivated the Capcoon 2000 and ended the threat.
-That fight was amazing.
-Yeah.
Who knew Bigfoot was a good guy? You know what, Harold? Real Stark Rangersing was actually more awesome than it was on TV.
See? You can't trust commercials.
So, to become a Melvin miner, you just have to sign away all your rights as a citizen of the world.
Who's with me? No! You-- you-- you animals! -Stay back! -I love nature.
Yeah.
So beautiful.
And Meaner went from super boring back to regular boring.
- And then I opened the 12th box.
- Seriously? And inside was a yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah tiny star.
He had been imprisoned there, and his kind was under attack.
So he teleported us to yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah deep space.
I bravely led his army against the yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah invading black hole horde to victory! To thank me, the star guys taught me how to turn into a star.
Oh, and I'm immortal now.
Yeah, I guess the beginning of that story is kinda yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah boring.
As for Captain Underpants, he was busy wearing out his welcome as Bigfoot's house guest.
Okay if I use you as a towel? Ah! Why am I wet? Where are my pants? Ah! Bigfoot!
George is the kid on the left with the tie and the flattop.
Harold is on the right with the T-shirt and the bad haircut.
Remember that, now, because they are dangling 7,843 feet off the ground.
Rockrobatics is way easier than I thought it'd be.
Yeah, it's like riding a bike, but on a rock.
Help! I'm too sweaty for rock climbing! I'm slippery when wet! Don't worry, Stanley! We'll show you the ropes.
-Pun intended.
-Yes.
Pun-believable.
No! You're swinging in with too much confidence! -We got this.
-Oops! I got him! No, I don't! Sweaty palms.
Sophie One, like, catch him! Other Sophie, why can't you catch? Right through my fingers! Gotta grab him like a marlin.
Yay! Thanks.
I thought I was a goner.
So George and Harold make comic books - We're cool! - Me, too! Now they're summering at summer camp And Mr.
Krupp is, too Once they used the hypno-ring And first they made him dance Then accidentally, kinda on purpose Turned him into Captain Underpants Tra-la-la! With a snap, he's the Captain Flying through the trees And don't forget when he gets wet You're sure to feel the squeeze! Put it all together What could possibly go wrong? Now this is the end Of the Captain Underpants song! -By George Beard and Harold Hutchins - Tra-la-camp! The Bad Beat of the Blah Borelock.
Chapter 1: Curve Fall.
George and Harold are now 7,000 feet above the ground.
Make that 6,000.
Make that 5,000.
You get it.
-I never got to drive a car! -I never had a tuna melt! We had them for lunch yesterday! -Bo ate, like, 13 of them.
-Oh, yeah.
Kinda fishy.
Anyway -Ugh.
-We're frozen again.
Yup, the kids were playing Virtual Camp at real camp.
Yes, it is sad.
The Wi-Fi here is the worst! 'Cause Krupp's got the cheapest plan.
Can I take a break? My arm is yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah burning.
-That reminds me of a story.
-No! Keep cranking that manual Wi-Fi! I'm downloading Chef Pets, all 17 seasons, and I'm only on episode two.
That reminds me of another story.
Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.
Nope-nope-nope.
Guys, like, the Wi-Fis are back.
This tree feels so real.
Real! This is just wrong, like "broccoli on pizza" wrong.
- Ew, what? - We had no choice.
Krupp made real camp so boring, we had to go fake for fun camp stuff, like canoeing and fishing.
- And whatever Bo's doing.
- I'm riding a dinosaur! He's not even wearing goggles.
But he is eating a tuna melt.
Curious.
Why are we settling for imitation nature when we're in nature? We gotta turn off the fake and crank the real to 11.
I wanna rough it in the wild, like Stark Rangers! Stark Rangers Gonna leave you all alone - Stark Rangers - With no shelter or a phone Pay us to abandon you in the middle of the woods for 24 hours with nothing but a glow stick and a mouthful of water.
Stark Rangers! Stark Rangers! Ah! Whoa, nice eagles, guys.
Tuna melt? Sky surfing? Panther wrestling? Defying physics? Stark Rangers would turn the whole summer around.
Too bad Krupp will say no, 'cause he says no to everything.
No! No! No.
And no.
No.
No! No! No! Oh, no.
No! No! No! Not now! No! No! No.
No! No! No.
No! No.
And no.
No.
No! No! No! Oh, no.
No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Yeah, but this time we're asking him to abandon us in the woods.
He'd have to be crazy to say no.
Yeah, crazy! Those are Melvin's.
He's gonna kill us! I got swept up in the moment.
It's okay.
It happens.
Yeah, it happens! -Huh? -Hey! -I didn't mean it should happen again! -What's wrong with me? I'm a slave to my emotions! What is happening? And why are you destroying my Fantasee-ers 2000s? -Ah! -This waltz feels so real.
-I'm worried Bo's losing it.
-I blame the tuna melts.
Ha! And they say TV's out of ideas.
That yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah reminds me of the time I saw a dog eat a bowl of food.
No more boring stories! I'm trying to watch Chef Pets! What color was the yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah bowl? Was it yeah-yeah red or char-yeah-yeah-treuse? I don't care! Me neither.
I'm yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah color-blind.
Did I mention a dog? Enough! You're here to crank, not bore me into a coffin! Now let me watch Chef Pets in peace.
Maybe it wasn't a dog.
Maybe it was yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah my neighbor.
Oh! Never mind.
I'm gonna go Chef Pet myself some lunch.
This Chef Pets recipe is just raw meat and drool.
Okay.
-We wanna rough it! -Ah! -Like Stark Rangers! -No! That reminds me of a really long story about a cardboard box.
And now, the cardboard box story.
-How does it yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah start? -It's already-- Wait.
You want me to dump you in the woods with nothing? -Except a glow stick.
-And a mouthful of water.
For 24 hours! Guys, if George and Harold want something, the answer is always no! It's policy! My hands are tied! Of course the answer is no.
Then again, it's a whole day without George and Harold.
And if Meaner chaperones, goodbye, boring stories.
And if we're lucky, they'll run into Bigfoot.
I'm buying what you're selling, Sneaky Krupp.
And then we erase their identities and put them in a container ship headed for Buenos Aires.
You always go too far, Sneakier Krupp, but keep swinging.
Fine! -Mr.
Meaner will chaperone.
-Chaperone? -I can't yeah-yeah-yeah eat dairy.
-What? You're gonna babysit them in the woods! Oh.
Who will watch yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah me? Chapter 2: Outward Downed.
"No eating, drinking or telemarketing on the bus.
" "Red alert: giant mooing butts.
" Do you think people will get it? Airtight argument.
I've never been prouder to call you my friend.
- Stark Rangers! -Play it again! -I knew they'd be on board.
So you're gonna make life as hard as possible for them.
-You mean like math? -No.
Just keep them on their toes.
Oh, ballet.
That's brutal.
No, ballet is beautiful.
I want you to make them miserable.
And if they run into Bigfoot, even better.
Got it.
And what's in it for yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah me? -I'll let you tell me one story.
-Ooh! And now, the cardboard box story-- Not now! So, you get the plan? What yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah plan? You know what? Just do what you're doing and don't change a thing.
All right, you're in the wild with nothing, because sometimes dreams come true, so have fun.
- Oh, and watch out for Bigfoot.
- Wait.
My glow stick doesn't glow.
-And it looks like a regular stick.
-Keep shaking it.
What about the mouthful of water? Refreshing! Adios! Yes! We're officially roughing it.
This is living! Okay, I know you're dying to tell us.
What's with the hat? Well, since you destroyed my Fantasee-er 2000s, I've invented the Capcoon 2000, a fully immersive virtual reality experience.
So, while you clearance racks are eating each other to "survive," I'll be inside my hat playing a little VR game I created called "Seminar.
" "Mine Your Inner Melvin" is the tunnel to success.
And today, I will give you the excavation explosives.
A game where you give a speech? -What could be more boring? -Meaner telling a story? And now, the cardboard box story.
Once I had this yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah cardboard box.
Let him be boring.
That won't stop us from Stark Rangersing.
Stark Rangersing! Unofficial Stark-Rangersing! Unfortunately, Stark Rangersing wasn't as easy as it looked on TV.
Think you can run to the top like they do on Stark Rangers? -Physically impossible.
-Why not? I'm already sweat-wet! Huh! -Why's that waterfall so mean? -See? Impossible.
Unlicensed Stark-Rangersing! We're gonna swing so haaard! Guess we need a thicker branch.
Ugh! Quit showing off, Other Sophie! Knockoff Stark-Rangersing! -We couldn't find a panther to wrestle.
-Best we could do was this squirrel.
Aw, he's so cute.
I'll go easy on him.
Cease and desist Stark Rangersing! Now that I dumped Meaner and the kids in the woods, it's just gonna be me, Chef Pets on a loop, and a big, fat drool steak.
These trees are all the same.
Why aren't there roads in forests? Drool steak.
Man, our Stark Rangersing really went off the rails.
Yeah.
Our log cabin looked a lot different in my head.
I was wrong.
We need less logs.
And these pine phones get terrible reception.
Probably 'cause they're pine cones.
That badger does not like being milked.
And Other Sophie has termiiites.
We need to, like, tent her.
I hate to say it, but I think TV commercials might exaggerate, like the one for that foot spray.
Toe-Tall, it cures athlete's foot and makes you taller.
-You do look a little taller.
-'Cause that stuff made my feet swell.
Ew, what? What? Today is so bad, it makes Meaner's story seem good.
And now, the cardboard box story.
And you're never gonna guess what was in that cardboard box.
A griffin in a chariot made of rainbow fire that flies you away from this story? Help! Close! Another yeah-yeah-yeah box.
Even Melvin's having a better time than we are.
And you'll tap into your rich, hidden deposit of Melvinite! After 20 years of unpaid labor in my actual copper mines nestled in exotic, unpredictable Mongolia.
We've gotta light a fire under this campfire.
With a campfire comic! -You brought paper and pencils? -On me at all times.
Chapter 3: Captain Underpants and the Blah Borelock! By George Beard and Harold Hutchins.
So, once there was a guy whose stories bored everyone-- kids, domestic cattle, paint, even his parents Dennis and Celia.
Honkshoo, honkshoo.
"Dennis, wake up, I heard a noise.
" But the guy was all, "I deserve cheers, not snores," so he enrolled in Munkchip Night School of Magic Stuff.
Magic! To earn respect and 'cause he had a coupon.
And he got a certificate in practical sorcery and became Borelock, the Wizard of Dullness, class of Thursday Snore Thunder Noise! Then when he told a story, like, "Once I bought milk," people didn't just fall asleep or pretend to be on the phone, they got bored stiff.
Like, for real.
They couldn't move 'cause sorcery.
And Borelock was all, "Now they have to listen to my stories.
So will the rest of the world.
" And Borelock set out to make the world his captive audience with stories about cleaning his carpet, returning duplicate birthday presents, and shopping for placemats.
What? Luckily, Captain Underpants was returning a can opener with that had a bad attitude.
And he saw Borelock was turning other customers into statues-- stiff-- with tales of lost luggage.
"Where'd it go?" And Captain Underpants was all, "I like luggage mysteries," but even he got boralized.
Everything but his tongue.
- And Captain Underpants was all - 'cause frozen face.
And he made his tongue a lasso-- gross-- and tongue-tied Borelock! Skloosh! And Borelock bawled and was all, "I just want someone to listen to my sock stories!" So Captain Underpants did 'cause he can sleep with his eyes open.
Okay, the end.
Chapter 4: Bore Than A Feeling.
The bus did it! Wait, where am I? Mother? Did you forget to shave again? Ah! Bigfoot! Wait, Bigfoot's not real.
You can't fool me, George and Harold.
I know this is a cheap costume.
Look at that mask.
-Huh? -And these fake fangs, sharp as envelopes.
Wow, they're really in there.
Wait, genuine fur, wet couch smell, humongous feet.
Ah! You are real! And you're charming me with 800-thread-count sheets, spa music, and crabs Benedict, so you can eat me when I least expect it! No reason to waste this.
-It worked! -Yeah.
But Meaner's boxes are gonna let the air out of our fun balloon.
And now, the cardboard box story.
And inside was box number eight.
Unless we let the air out of him.
Mr.
Meaner, we need firewood.
Oh, yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah, I'll go rustle up more.
And I'll tell you all about it when I yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah get back.
Note the genius of the Melvin mining system is I do the thinking and you do all the work.
And-- pause.
Pee-mergency! Uh, nobody touch my hat! All I heard was, "touch my hat.
" -Game of hat catch? -Don't mind if I do.
Whoa! That hat's got some lift.
Maybe it'll come back, like a hatterang.
The hat didn't return, but it did pass through a swarm of lost tsetse flies, a field of otherworldly spores, and a cloud of enchanted smoke from a tree elves' oven.
Phone lady, find a firewood store.
And then, in an unexpected twist, the altered Capcoon 2000 collided with Mr.
Meaner, went haywire and turned him into Borelock.
It's story t-t-t-time.
That hat's not gonna er-rang.
Yeah, Melvin's gonna lose it.
Whoa, that hat did er-rang on Mr.
Meaner! Why is he levitating? Why are you floating like you're on a magic carpet made of car exhaust? It's a great story.
It all started at the beginning of t-t-t-time.
Whoa! He just bored Gooch stiff.
Finally, I have the power to make people listen to my stories-- coworkers, neighbors, the mailman.
Soon, the world will be my captive audience.
The hat turned him into Borelock.
Last night, I had a dream.
I was a can of paint, but I didn't know which kind.
Was I an outdoor g-g-g-gloss? I-I can't move! Neither can my sweat.
Or was I an indoor paint? Something like a s-s-s-satin? Out-dull him, Other Sophie! All you have to do is be you! Which is actually a sealant, not p-p-p-paint.
Selfless heroism! Why, Dressy, why-- -There's a lesson.
-Don't touch Melvin's things? No.
Run! My Capcoon 2000! Or was I matte e-e-e-enamel? -Oh, no.
-Which tends to be more durable-- E-Except in high heat and humid-- Or was I an eggshell sh-sh-sh-sheen? Chapter 5: Run, Bore-est, Run.
We've gotta get Captain Underpants before Borelock stops the world.
And then it's nothing but stories about flossing and haircuts.
Gotta get away from Bigfoot! This crabs Benedict is slowing me down, but I can't stop eating it! -He's right behind us! -He's right behind me! -Borelock! Borelock! -Bigfoot! Bigfoot! -Mr.
Krupp! What are you -Doing here? No time for questions.
Running from Bigfoot.
And eating crabs Benedict.
-Bigfoot? -Focus, Harold.
We've got enough on our plate.
Not me! I'm in the, mm, clean plate club! Tra-la-leftovers! 'Cause there's food spilled on me and it's delicious.
Captain Underpants, there's a crazy wizard who wants to bore us stiff with his stories.
That reminds me of a story.
Chapter 6: The Incredibly Graphic Violence Chapter in Story-O-Rama, because a story is only interesting if it has pictures.
Borelock the wizard unleashed a lame tale.
If stories were bagels, his would be stale.
The Captain swung hard with a fistful of bagel, but Borelock's yarn yawn was too dull to finagle.
The feeble fable did our hero no harm, except the brave Captain could not move his arm.
Oh, no! My arm's on strike! But why can the rest of you move? Because it takes a lot to completely bore Captain Underpants.
Ooh-hoo-hoo! Bubbles! This is getting good! And to have him as a house guest.
Okay if I use the dog as a towel? You've gotta beat Borelock before the rest of your body gets bored.
Yeah, 'cause I can't do anything without my body.
That reminds me of the time I waited in a waiting r-r-r-room.
Oh, no.
There goes my other arm.
It's like spaghetti before you cook it.
Oh, well.
Waistband windmill! -The waiting room had ch-ch-ch-chairs.
-Ah! Ah! Butt lock! He put my heinie on hold.
My booty's off duty.
My tush has been shushed.
They also had a welcome mat to clean your f-f-f-feet.
There go my gams! Ooh, I got another.
My twerk's out of work.
And ceiling t-t-t-tiles.
And now my elegant neck.
And a drinking f-f-f-fountain.
And my tongue.
Going down! Leave him alone! He's had enough! Yeah, don't bore him, bore us! Tell us about your family vacation.
Or your stamp collection, or coin collection, or any collection.
I saved my best story for last.
It was garbage d-d-d-day.
- No! - No! Which is Tuesday, and I was taking out the trash.
Whoa! It's Bigfoot! He's saving us! An unexpected plot twist! Whoa! He has pine cones in his ears to block out Borelock's stories! Whoa, that's smart! Ah! Guys, guys, guys! I can move my spleen again! Ha-ho! Hey, he's got some zing in his swing! And so do we! Excitement must be the antidote to boredom.
Makes sense.
If you're bored and you see something exciting, you won't be bored anymore.
- And that's a - Fact Smack! But he's not all the way back, so we should hit him with the most exciting thing there is.
-You brought our comics? -On me at all times.
Hey, Cap, check out this comic about the Abominable Altitooth.
Whoa, that's awesome! -Or the one with Beastly Barfilisk! -Or Slimy Salamangler! Tra-la-limber! Ha-ho! Thanks! That put the funk back in my trunk.
Ha! Yes! They're winning.
Yeah, but they haven't seen my vacation photos of the Grand Canyon.
It's 6,327 blurry photos of the same thing from slightly different a-a-a-angles.
No! They're losing! -We need more excitement.
-I know just the guy.
Borelock said you're a wimp.
Did it work? Grr! Huh? Ah! Chapter 7: To Make a Long Story Short it worked.
Captain Underpants, Bigfoot and the squirrel lit up Borelock, deactivated the Capcoon 2000 and ended the threat.
-That fight was amazing.
-Yeah.
Who knew Bigfoot was a good guy? You know what, Harold? Real Stark Rangersing was actually more awesome than it was on TV.
See? You can't trust commercials.
So, to become a Melvin miner, you just have to sign away all your rights as a citizen of the world.
Who's with me? No! You-- you-- you animals! -Stay back! -I love nature.
Yeah.
So beautiful.
And Meaner went from super boring back to regular boring.
- And then I opened the 12th box.
- Seriously? And inside was a yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah tiny star.
He had been imprisoned there, and his kind was under attack.
So he teleported us to yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah deep space.
I bravely led his army against the yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah invading black hole horde to victory! To thank me, the star guys taught me how to turn into a star.
Oh, and I'm immortal now.
Yeah, I guess the beginning of that story is kinda yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah boring.
As for Captain Underpants, he was busy wearing out his welcome as Bigfoot's house guest.
Okay if I use you as a towel? Ah! Why am I wet? Where are my pants? Ah! Bigfoot!