The Exes (2011) s03e08 Episode Script

Haskell, it's Phil's big day.
Don't tell me you forgot to buy him a gift.
Don't get your braids in a knot, Mary Jane.
I'm covered.
Hey, there he is, huh? The man of the hour.
Are you pumped? Are you psyched? I'm pumped, I'm psyched, because as of today, it is official.
The Phil Chase agency is open for business! Best part is, I'm Phil Chase.
Well, congratulations, Phil.
To commemorate this special occasion.
Oh, there it is! "The Phil Chase agency.
" Must be official, 'cause brass don't lie.
Read the card.
Read the card.
Oh, okay.
It's very nice.
Thanks, guys.
"Guys"? "Guys"? What do you mean, "guys"? "Best of luck.
Stuart and Haskell"? You "and Haskell-ed" my gift? Yes.
Just be grateful I included you.
You guys, my coffee maker Oh, what's going on? We're celebrating.
It's Phil's first day in business.
And that's why I'm here.
Congratulations, honey.
Holly, it's all right if you forgot.
Forgot? Ha! Your gift's coming, and it is big, and awesome and big.
And when you get it, you're gonna see how big and awesome it is.
Oh, stop it.
You're welcome.
Well, I guess I better hit it.
Doors don't open till the big dog gets in.
Oh, Phil, you know, this really takes me back.
When I first opened my dental office, I was nothing but a man with a dream and a high-interest loan from his father-in-law.
That bastard.
But now, I've got a thriving practice and a perfect five-star yelp rating.
Look.
"Sloppy office.
Surly hygienist.
Stay away.
Zero stars.
" What? No, no, no, no, no, no.
What? Who the hell is this "Lenny K"? No.
One bad yelp review could destroy everything that I've built.
Oh, you see? This is what I get for going out on my own.
Now it could all come crashing down, and I'll be left with nothing, absolutely nothing! Oh, good luck with your new agency.
The Exes Hello? Somebody! A little help? Eden? Is that you? Surprise! It's Holly's "I screwed up and forgot to buy you a gift" gift.
Wow, look at this place.
Yeah, well, come on, let me give you a tour of the Phil Chase agency.
First stop, it's me, Phil Chase.
Now, if you'll follow me this way.
This here is my office.
Pretty sweet, huh? Italian leather couch, kick-ass media center, and of course, me Phil Chase.
Okay, this place is amazing.
You must've spent a fortune.
No, I borrowed a fortune.
So how many clients do you have? I got none.
- None? - Not a one! Aren't you a little nervous? Hell no.
I'm terrified.
But you know what, that's what you gotta do if you want to compete with the big agencies.
Well, I'm sure you're gonna be great.
Hell, you're Phil Chase of the Phil Chase agency.
And this is Arianna, my new assistant, here with my cappuccino.
Oh, you wanted one too? Oh, you know what, it's no big deal.
It's the first day, that's it's what happens.
Look, I need you to type up this press release and email it to all my contacts, asap.
Okay.
Smokin', huh? I met her in the club.
I am guessing that club wasn't Mensa.
Ooh, it's Tracy Cooper.
Seriously? The tennis player? Yeah.
She left her agent, and if I sign her, I'm off and running.
Yeah, so, anyway, this freaky, old wall street guy tries to hit on me, and I'm like, "ew.
" - Uh, excuse me.
- But then, his driver pulls up in a Bentley, and I'm like, "ooh!" Um, didn't Phil ask you to On the phone.
Not anymore.
Whoa, drama.
Look, Phil asked you to do something important, so why aren't you doing it? Is this 'cause I'm pretty? Yes, it is because you're so hot, and I want you To do your damn job! You know what? I don't need this.
My sex tape is about to go viral.
All right, I got the meeting set up with Tracy for tomorrow morning.
Things are happening.
Where's Arianna? Oh, she sorta she quit.
She quit? What why why would she quit? She got into an argument with someone.
From what I'm been able to piece together, I think it was me.
Eden.
I couldn't help it, she wasn't doing her job.
She was just sitting there, looking hot.
That was her job! Eden, I'm a sports agent.
Image is a big part of what I do.
Okay, but you need an assistant who gives a damn and actually knows what they're doing.
- You mean someone like you? - Exactly Oh, no.
Oh, no, no.
- Oh, no, no.
- Oh, yes, oh, yes, yes.
Oh, yes.
Look, come on, it'll only be for a couple of days until I find someone else.
Please? What about Holly? Remember her, six feet of scary? How am I gonna tell her? Here.
Say it with a basket! Oh, Haskell, you would not believe the day I've had.
You're right, I wouldn't.
Keep walking.
I spent the day on yelp trying to track down this Lenny K.
I've got to know where I came up short, what I did wrong.
I hate him for his harsh words, and yet, I yearn for his approval.
Shouldn't you be popping out of a clock every half hour? Where's your friend Phil? - Hey, Holly, what's up? - You know what's up! You stole my little pixie.
Well, your little pixie scared off my giant hottie.
Stop talking in code! It's what mother did whenever a new "Uncle daddy" moved in.
What am I supposed to do for an assistant? Get a temp from the office pool.
I can't.
No one wants to work for me.
It's like they're all afraid of me.
But why? Why? I'll do it! I'll be your assistant.
How can I say this without hurting your feelings? I guess I can't.
No frickin' way.
Holly, Holly, Holly! Holly, please, I need cash.
And donating sperm is a young man's game.
Holly, it'll just be for a couple of days.
I really need Eden.
I'll do anything Typing, errands, I'll even put out.
All right, all right, you're hired.
Thank you, thank you.
And as for your offer to put out, how can I say this without hurting your feelings? I guess I can't.
I'd rather drink drano.
And yet, not a no.
Boing! - Good morning, miss Franklin! - Oh, Jesus! Haskell, you scared the crap out of me.
I'm sorry, I came in early to familiarize myself with your calendar, your case load, and to catch up on office gossip.
FYI, Mr.
Collins is tapping one of the paralegals.
Ooh, that's juicy.
Who is it, Vicki? Simone? No, don't tell me, I want to be surprised when it blows up.
Is it Marilyn? I knew it! - You're not Eden.
- What gave it away? I've been out a while.
Had a little work-related accident.
Slipped in the hall and wrenched my back.
Oh, so we're still going, huh? Thanks to the firm's disability insurance, I was kept on full salary.
Spent six months on the couch, watching TV while the checks rolled in.
See ya.
Bup, bup, bup, bup.
Six months? TV? Full pay? Yeah, just glad to be back.
Who wants to get paid to do nothing? Forgive me.
I don't always see your plan.
Haskell, could I see you, please? Oh, good, you brought the mail.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah.
Oh, thanks.
You know, it's almost like you're one step ahead of me here.
All right, let's see.
I better sign this.
All righty.
Oh, good, you found the broken lamp.
Could you call maintenance and have that fixed for me? Thanks, hon.
You know, Haskell, I have to say, I'm impressed.
I thought you just wanted to work here so you could goof off for a quick paycheck.
You obviously don't know me at all.
Okay, leave that open.
Thanks.
I'm sorry, but I can't wait any longer.
I've got five other agents to meet today.
Tracy, I'm sure Phil is gonna walk through that door any second.
Are you sure I can't get you anything else? Look, I really appreciate the latte, the fruit plate, and the song from les miz.
You nailed it, but But I gotta fly.
Okay, but before you fly Morning, Eden! - Tracy.
- Tracy, Phil Chase.
Great to meet you, Phil.
I've heard great things.
Gotta go.
Hey, whoa, where you going? The meeting isn't till 11:00.
I called and changed it to 10:00.
Eden said it was okay.
I did not know that.
Why did I not know that? I do not know why you did not know that.
Look, I'm sorry, but I'm slammed with agent meetings all day, so Oh, no, wait.
Look, Tracy, uh, I've followed your career since you won your first junior open.
Okay, so please, I got a whole game plan mapped out.
Just give me a shot.
Okay.
Let me make some calls and see if I can shift some things around.
Great, use my office.
Make yourself at home.
If you see anything you like, keep it.
Eden.
Okay, okay.
What the hell, Eden? Why would you change the meeting without calling me? Call you? Oh, my God, why didn't I think of th Of course I called you! I called you, I texted.
- Well, I didn't get a message.
- Well, I sent, like, ten.
Well, I got, like, none.
So are you saying this is my fault? You heard me.
Excuse me? You know what, I sent those messages, okay? I quit.
Did you get that one? If not, I'll say it again.
I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit, I quit.
Hey, you know what? Go ahead, quit, because if you would have sent the messages, I would've got them! Unless my phone was turned off.
Okay, I moved some stuff around.
How about we meet at 5:00? Pick the place, and I'll be there.
Oh, perfect.
I'll be there first.
Oh, and make sure to bring Eden.
Before I decide who to sign with, I like to get to know the whole team.
Of course Eden will be there.
Why wouldn't she be? Well, that's three nasty words why.
Ooh.
Yeah.
Haskell, could you get in here, please? I can't find the file on the Harris case.
You know, I think I saw it on my desk.
I'll go check.
Oh, no, no, no.
It's in here somewhere.
It's hiding, mocking me.
When I find that file, I'm gonna staple the crap out of it.
Wait a minute, I think you're right, I think it is on your desk.
No! You were right, here it is.
Son of a bitch! I mean, are you all right? Oh, there's my favorite lady.
Girl, you are looking good! Save it.
You called, I'm here.
You have one minute.
I don't know if a minute's enough time to tell you how wrong I was.
You just bought yourself ten more seconds.
- I was rude, ungrateful.
- Another ten.
What I'm trying to tell you is, you were right and I was wrong.
Eden, I'm really sorry.
Well, if you're going to be all sweet about it, I guess I have to accept your apology.
Thank you, and there's one other teeny, tiny, little thing.
Is that Tracy? Yeah, that would be the other thing.
Look, she really wanted you to be here.
So you tricked me into coming.
I had to, I'm desperate.
Please, Eden, I need your help.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey! There's my superstar! Look at you, with the Louis vuitton bag and the Gucci glasses.
You been shopping? No, I've been meeting.
These agencies have just been throwing swag at me.
Eden, give her your purse.
Look, I don't have much time, so we should probably Right, you know what? I'll get to it.
Tracy, I know you're meeting with a lot of big agencies, but you can stop, because if you sign with me, you're getting in at the ground floor of the hottest new agency in the country.
So how many offices do you have? Well, I'm headquartered in New York right now, but I have plans to open up other offices in Chicago, L.
A.
, London, and Uh, a-Abu Dhabi.
Oh, I gotta take this.
Hello? Abu Dhabi? Go with it.
I'm selling her.
- You're losing her.
- What are you talking about? She's not believing you, and you know why? 'Cause you don't believe it.
Look, you can't compete with these big agencies, okay, but they don't have what you have, Phil Chase.
How 'bout just selling him? Please, Eden, you don't know my business.
I'm sorry, this other agency wants to fly me to Milan for fashion week on their jet.
You know, it's funny you should mention that, because, well, I've been looking at jets lately.
Yeah, g4s, g5s, the "h," "I," "j"s.
I get the picture.
Listen, it was really great meeting you, Phil, but I gotta go.
Hey, Tracy, wait.
Can you give me a second please? All right, look, I don't own any jets and I only have one office.
And if you sign with me, I'll only have one client, you.
- One client? - Yeah, but what you'll get is a guy who's willing to bust his ass for you 24/7 and tell you the truth, whether you want to hear it or not.
The truth about what? All right, I know all these other agencies are promising you big endorsements, right? But you're not going to get it unless you up your game.
And forget fashion week.
You should be working on your second serve.
- Excuse me? - You're taking off too much heat and you're getting crushed on the returns.
But I promise you, concentrate on your game and the rest will come.
If you hire me, I'll be the guy who makes it happen.
Let's see, I'd be your only client and you think my game stinks.
Thanks, Phil.
I'll be in touch.
Is that what you had in mind, Eden? You know, if you hurry, you can still give her my purse.
- Hi, can I help you? - Yes.
I heard you've been looking for me.
I'm Lenny K.
Wait a minute, you're the person who's been trashing me on yelp? That's right, sweetie.
Just give me $100 and I'll change the rating.
I don't understand.
Oh, honey, it's extortion.
I'm scamming you.
This is unconscionable! You should be ashamed of yourself! I am, but I need the money.
My husband passed on.
I have nothing and no one to help me.
I'm sorry.
Here, look, you know what? Just Here, take 150.
It's okay.
Thank you.
See? That was another scam.
Toughen up, sweetheart.
Grow a pair.
It's crazy.
I mean, it's just a small bruise, and the firm's insisting I take a week off.
It should've been me.
It should've been me! Haskell, that's so sweet.
But I'll be fine.
I'll just put my feet up and watch TV for a week.
Hey, you know what? It's kind of like I'm being paid to do nothing.
It isn't fair.
Why can't I ever catch a break? You okay? Eden, what the hell was I thinking? Quitting my job, borrowing all that money, and then opening up this place? Well, if you're looking for me to feel sorry for you, I'm not gonna do it.
Not even a little? Not going there.
Look, you may lose this client.
You may lose this office.
You may end up broke.
But? Eden, please tell me there's a "but" coming soon.
But eventually, you're gonna make it.
Phil Chase.
Oh, hey, Tracy.
Okay.
Thank you for calling.
It's all right.
You'll get the next one.
I got that one.
What? You were right.
Tracy said all the other agents were blowing smoke, and I was the only one with the guts to tell her the truth.
So she's gonna sign? Hell yeah, she's gonna sign! I got my first client! You got a client! Well, congratulations.
Yeah, thank you.
- I'm gonna - Yeah, uh-huh.