The Great North (2021) s03e08 Episode Script

1
- Look up there ♪
- What do you see? ♪
Nature and stuff ♪
- Like a rock ♪
- And a tree ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Way up here,
you can breathe the air ♪
Catch some fish ♪
Or gaze at a bear ♪
Wow ♪
Oh, the Great North ♪
Here we live, oh, oh ♪
Here we'll stay, oh, whoo ♪
From longest night
to longest day ♪
In the Great North. ♪
[cheering]
Hey, who's up for
a fun family hike to the dump?
Nope. Doodling beats the dump.
I've already been to the dump
with you this week, Dad.
Maybe you'd like to join me
for a game of chesskers instead?
Why are there also a bunch of
gummy bears on the board?
If you have to ask, you've
already lost. [knocking]
Well, if it isn't Dick Chateau's
- butler, Karen Butler.
- Greetings.
Wait, you work for Dick Chateau?
The richest man in Lone Moose?
Do you know him, Dad?
I told you kids about that time
Jerry and I accidentally
got very high
at that Christmas
party, then got kidnapped
by that costume-stealing
hooligan, Dick,
who put us in sacks of glitter?
Mm, we always assumed the
only part of that story
that was true was that
you and Jerry got very high.
You're probably wondering why
I'm here, so I'll get right to it.
Mr. Chateau is the owner
of a YT-5700 Starbird
Luxury Smart-Yacht
- Brag.
- and needs a captain to pilot it.
[whistles] I'm familiar
with the YT-5700.
An ostentatious but
mighty pleasure craft that
I've never once dreamed
about kissing on the lips.
- Mm, where are its lips?
- On the wheel.
- Where's its vagina?
- Kids.
- You started it!
- Please, go on.
Mr. Chateau's brother is
getting married on an island
off the coast,
and I need to find the best
boat captain
in Lone Moose to take him there.
My research has led me to you.
Oh, no. I'm not getting
myself stuck on a boat
with a lunatic from Seward
who uses a fake
British accent
and trapped me in a bag.
- Ugh, rich people are the worst.
- [clears throat]
I can't imagine
spending an entire day
with one on this boa Whoa.
Whoa. Whoa.
Could I enjoy
something so classist?
My mind says not,
but my body says yacht.
I don't care
how many workers I have to
shove through
the meat grinder of capitalism,
- I need one of these yachts!
- Kids, no.
It's just a day trip,
and you could bring your family.
Here's my card.
Think about it.
- Then say yes.
- Sorry, kids.
There's no way
we're going on that boat.
I escaped
that man's clutches once.
I won't chance it again.
I get it. I was trapped
inside Mom
for nine months and hell
if I'm going back.
Oh, man, Looper has got to be
my favorite time travel movie,
hands down.
There's a reason I subscribe to
the official fan magazine
Live Laugh Loop.
Oh, that reminds me,
are we going to the movies
- for date night this week?
- No, but I did get us
a reservation
at the Russian Restaurant.
- The Russian Restaurant? Again?
- Well, yeah.
- Is that okay?
- Yeah, sure. That's fine.
WOLF:
Oh, no. "That's fine" is code
for "Definitely not fine."
Is Honeybee getting bored
with date night?
Is she getting bored with me?
What does this mean
for our future?
Oh, God, I bet
she's so upset right now.
I love when Bruce kicks
J-G-L under the table!
[laughs] Kick him again!
The Bruce is loose, baby!
[giggling]
Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my
- Aren't you gorgeous?
- Uh, Dad? Everything okay?
Are you looking at
Dick Chateau's yacht?
Uh No, no!
This is just pornography.
Okay, fine.
I'm looking at the yacht.
Check out the state-
of-the-art controls.
HAM:
And look at that floor sink.
That's the kind of thing
only rich people drink from.
Ham, that's a bidet. Rich
people's butts drink from that.
Well, whatever it's called,
I bet that water is extra soft.
Ugh, why are
all the coolest things
wasted on super rich,
horrible people?
I really don't want to
deal with Dick Chateau again,
but by God,
this boat calls to me.
I mean, going on a yacht
one day wouldn't make us
disgusting rich people.
We'd just be enjoying
what disgusting rich
people have for a moment,
and then we'd go back
to our regular lives.
Whoa! A 12-person,
glass hot tub.
Ooh, Uncle Brian
would love to see that.
Huh.
Yeah, I should call him.
It's kinda weird,
I've called him
a few times
since I was his hot tub model
at the State Fair but
he hasn't called me back.
Uh-oh, sounds like he's
either mad at you or dead.
Oh, good news, he's not dead!
He's answering!
Brian's Hot Tubs,
you're soaking in it.
- Brian! It's Beef! Tobin!
- I only know one Beef.
Well, I'm that one.
What are you doing on Saturday?
You wanna go on a fancy yacht
and soak in a big boss hot tub?
Oh, uh, sure. And that'll give
us a chance to talk.
Okay. I'm bad at talking
but for you, anything.
WOLF: "Change your look
to change your life"
This might spice things up
with me and Honeybee,
get us out of our rut.
But am I a Lacquer Lad
or a Full Body Baddie?
- If I were you, I'd try this.
- [yelps]
Shiny Boy Combs Easy brand?
Huh. I guess I could give it a
[gasps]
A stranger who appears
out of nowhere to help me make
an important decision at
a critical juncture in my life?
Same hair, same height,
same rad fashion sense
I mean, I know
it's not possible but
- is that my looper?
- What?
Oh, just I think
that guy's me from the future.
Cool. Can I get around you?
I gotta put these
shampoos up there.
Ah, sure thing.
Let me just uh, okay.
You are going that way.
HAM: [whistles]
Now that's a lotta yachta.
BEEF: Well, Brian,
you looking forward to the day?
I'll bet you can't wait
to check out that hot tub.
Hmm? Oh, yeah, sure.
Of course, Beef.
And maybe we can find a quiet
time for that talk I mentioned.
No big deal, just something
about the, uh, State Fair.
Sure, what's, uh?
- Beef Tobin!
- Uh-oh, there he blows.
Welcome aboard my yacht,
The Floating Dick.
My butler tells me you
have some reservations about
captaining my glorious ship.
But you may
rest assured I have no
ill intentions toward you today.
I only wish to go
to my brother's wedding.
Now, feel free to explore!
The arcade is on the foredeck,
the aviary on the boiler deck;
and you'll find the marionette
theater on the forecastle deck,
as well as the European disco.
And, as this is just a day trip,
I'll expect no pooping
in the lavatories.
Pooping in
the marionette theater, it is!
[gasps] Wow.
Can anyone else actually feel
their values leaving their body?
- Yep.
- The only thing that would
make this better is if someone served us
endless desserts while
we floated in that pool.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
I heard you say "dessert."
- [all gasp]
- Would you like tiramisu,
escargot gelato,
or iced gorilla milk?
Or would you like
to move some funds offshore?
My God.
A solid-glass, double-pump,
80-jet, saltwater tub
with steel heating
and a deluxe ozonator.
They say
"don't meet your heroes,"
but he's everything I dreamed.
[giggling]
Well, Beef,
I assume that irritating sound
means you're having the time
of your gray little life.
When we get
to your brother's wedding,
I shall ask the priest
to marry me to this boat.
All right, then!
We're off to crash and ruin
my brother's wedding!
- [gasps] What?!
- What?
Oh, right, I forgot poor people
have coal factory dust
in their ears.
I said we're off to crash
and ruin my brother's wedding!
Now, if you need me, I'll be
on the lower cocaine deck.
Dick, what do you mean crash
and ruin your brother's wedding?
Also, curious how many
cocaine decks there are total.
Seven. And I see my plan
shocks you,
but my brother Rick Chateau
is even worse than me.
- Yuck.
- Exactly.
Sorry, you and your brother
are both named Richard?
Yes, my father
named us all Richard so
- he only had to learn one name.
- Cool.
But this particular Richard,
Rick, is too evil even for me.
We haven't spoken in years.
I only know about
the wedding because
he stupidly sent an invite
to our shared pet goldfish,
Richard,
whose house is on my property,
but who died years ago.
So, off we go
to ruin his wedding.
Wake me when
we arrive at the coordinates!
Beef, what should we do?
Um, Tobins, may I see you all
in the wheelhouse?
- For our, um, daily group hug.
- Oh, hell yeah!
Oh, so now that I know this
isn't really for a hug, I guess
you're gonna tell us that
we're turning the boat around?
Over my dead,
newly wealthy body, Father!
I'm about to turn
somebody's neck around.
Actually, no, I don't think
we should turn the boat around.
Dick and Rick Chateau
are brothers,
just like me and Brian,
only they suck.
And I can't
imagine us not speaking.
It's like I said that one time:
"There's no 'I' in brother.
"But there is 'broth.'
And brother soup takes a pinch
of Beef and a dash of Brian."
I was drunk when
I made that saying up.
- But I think it still works.
- Dad, I love it.
So, instead of
turning the boat around,
here's what we're gonna do
- Loving the new hairstyle, hon.
- Thanks!
It weighs a lot,
I can barely hold my neck up.
But if you love it,
it's doing its job.
[Russian accent]
You place order now.
Uh, I guess I'll just
have my usual.
And husband?
You want same ol', same ol'?
Uh, no. I think this
time I'll have the
Uh, no, too moist.
Oh, I could try the
No, that always
gives me phantom diarrhea.
You want the beef stroganoff
dumpling platter
with sour cream.
Trust me on that.
Nice hair, by the way.
He's back. I'm back!
- What?
- Nothing! Uh, uh
beef stroganoff dumpling
platter it is.
Wolf, why do you keep
staring at the guy behind me?
Okay, look. The other day
that guy was at
Val-U-Buy and he told me
exactly what to put in my hair.
And it's perfect!
And just now he tells me
exactly what to order?
And he looks eerily like me.
- What are you saying, Wolf?
- I know it sounds nuts
in the butt,
but what if he is me?
- What if he's my looper?
- Okay, I'll just lean back
and pretend I'm yawning
but stare at him and
- Wolf?
- Yeah?
- That is nuts in the butt.
- I know.
It's so obvious he's your looper!
He even has detached
earlobes just like you!
Those babies
could fall off any minute.
- This is truly exciting.
- Right?
He I mean I could have
all the answers we're
looking for about our future!
We have to
ask him as many questions
as possible before he disa
Oh, he's gone.
So, we would be insane
- not to follow him, right?
- Absolutely.
[sighs] I finally get
why my friends
Jeff and Elon went to space.
We've only been on this yacht
for a couple hours and it's
- already feeling too small to me.
- Oh, no.
- Are we turning into rich jerks?
- What? No!
I-I feel like the same old Judy,
it's just that now I have
a hole in my soul swallowing
everything around me and I
can't possibly get enough!
Yeah. Maybe we just deserve
nicer things because,
in some way,
we technically work harder
than single moms with two jobs
who are just barely getting by.
Preachin' to the choir, honey.
My butler said
you wanted to see me.
Make it quick. I'm in the middle
of buying Ottawa.
We'll take you to Rick's
wedding, but only if you let us
help the two of you make up
and become brothers again,
because we don't think
it'll make you feel good to ruin
your brother's special day,
no matter how much you hate him.
[groans] There was a time
when we were quite close.
We were even in business
together for a while.
Did you know
we invented car alarms?
And ATM fees.
And we also came up with a way
to make sure
there's less legroom on airplanes.
But then Richard, he
did something unthinkable.
He did the German Squirmin'
with my wife.
I don't think I know that phrase.
Oh, please, everyone knows it!
Norwegian Squeegin'.
The French Stench.
Do I have to
spell it out for you?
Those are also not real phrases,
so yes, I guess you do.
I caught them making love!
They were in the car in
front of me on a roller coaster.
That does sound like
some hurtful German Squirmin'.
Don't you start.
But he's marrying someone else.
He's moved on.
Maybe you can move on, too.
It's like Beef always says:
"There's no 'I' in brothers,
but there is some 'broth.'"
I don't know what that means.
But if you really
think it's worth a shot
[sighs]
I guess I'll go tell my butler
not to bring the bat bombs ashore.
No, no. Bath bombs
would be a lovely gesture.
No, bat bombs.
A bomb filled with live bats.
My brother hates them
so I was going to release
hundreds of them at his wedding.
I do get them from
a reputable source
so I know they don't
have rabies, but I guess
I'll just use them on
another enemy at a later date.
- That's the spirit.
- We cannot and should not do it,
but by God,
I'd love to see those bat bombs.
Oh, a hundred percent.
I'm so glad
the tuxedo vending machine
had something that
was able to fit all of us.
Mm, but the diamond anklet
vending machine
- selection was dismal.
- Ugh, truly embarrassing.
Ugh, I can't believe I'm going
to my brother's wedding
without any bat bombs.
I feel naked.
- Well, you're not naked.
- You're wearing a pair of Tobins.
Welcome to
the wedding of Rick Chateau
and Diffany Vandenarkenkark.
Please enjoy our cocktail
reception before the ceremony.
It's so wonderful to
finally be amongst just
normal, everyday,
salt-of-the-earth, rich people.
Mm-hmm.
Our people.
Nous sommes arrivé.
Holy crap, I speak French now.
Not me.
I only speak crypto.
[gasps]
Oh, God. There he is. Wait!
This was a mistake!
You're just nervous, buddy.
Your hot tub's at 106.
That's too hot. You wanna turn
that baby down to 102.
[gasps]
Dick? But it can't be.
Wait, Rick also has
a fake British accent?
Seems like.
[crying]
I can't believe you're here.
I haven't hugged in decades.
It's like wearing a person
as a suit. I don't hate it.
Their brother soup runneth over.
Come! We must catch up.
- Foie gras taquitos?
- Yes, please.
Oh, uh Okay.
I'll start with this and
then bring me two more
on the hour
every hour until I'm dead.
Ah, I love the serving
sizes for rich people.
I don't know if I can eat
this many caviar-peño poppers
but I would
kick myself if I didn't try.
I'll kick you if you don't try.
We should go around and kick
everyone, just because we can.
Now, what is he up to in there?
WOLF: Probably making
some vases to bring back
to the future because
all the future ceramics
got destroyed in
the nuclear apocalypse.
Oh, wow, babe, you're a big hero!
I bet everybody's gonna love
having vases again.
Ooh, you probably left yourself
some kinda like, uh,
weapons or documents
in the water
and you are gonna
- go fish it out.
- I bet you're right!
And then I'm probably
gonna do something
very important like
defuse a bomb or
I've been undressed by kings ♪
And I've seen some things ♪
That a woman
ain't supposed to see ♪
Huh. Um, okay, not sure
what I'm doing right here.
Just blowin' off
some steam probably.
Yeah. Being a looper
is probably stressful.
Everybody sing it!
I've been to paradise ♪
But I've never been to me ♪
[vocalizing] Yeah!
This is strange.
I feel warm inside.
Oh, Dick, I feel the same.
I was afraid that a moment like
this would never happen for us.
I've made so many mistakes
in our relationship.
Like telling everyone at
boarding school you had a butt
on the front and the back,
tricking you into
giving me a kidney I didn't
even need just so
I could have three,
and of course Tatyana.
Well, who wouldn't fall
prey to Tatyana's charms?
She could dress down
a servant in 11 languages.
It's what finally drove
our governess away, if I recall.
Oh, no, she just
figured out how to escape.
Oh, that's right! We left
the crawl space door ajar
and off she went.
All right, now that we've
reunited those brothers,
shall we talk about
whatever it is you wanna
- Oh, pardon me, miss
- [gasps] Beef! Brian!
Alyson?
What are you doing here?
Trying to figure out
how to get off this island.
These people are a nightmare.
- How do you know Rick Chateau?
- I don't.
I was just hired
as the wedding photographer.
But there's something
really weird going on here.
- When I arrived, I had to sign an NDA.
- Ooh, a Nice Day Alert.
I love when
Ham gives me one of those.
Beef, no. I believe she means
a non-disclosure agreement.
Yes! And I heard one
of the guests whispering
- something about an ambush?
- Uh-oh.
- [bell jingles]
- Please, everyone, take your seats.
The ceremony will begin shortly.
City hall? What the hell
would Future You be doing here?
Oh, no, are you gonna kill
Mayor Peppers?
- We gotta stop you!
- Wait, no.
Future Me is just getting out
of the car with that takeout.
[gasps] Did I just kiss that woman?
Is that Future You?
Wolf, that is
a 60-year-old white lady.
WOLF:
The mystery deepens.
HONEYBEE: Oop He's driving!
Here we go!
Uh, Dick, there's
something Brian and I thought
we should maybe mention.
Our friend Alyson said
Shh, quiet, poor friend.
The wedding is about to start.
Greetings, everyone.
Before the ceremony,
I want to thank
a special guest for coming
my brother, Dick.
I know we've
had our differences, but
Wait. Stop.
Before you keep saying
nice things about me,
I have to confess something.
When I came here,
my intentions were not noble.
But the words of my
ship's captain and his brother
who are, I think,
my new best friends
I don't know how
friendship works
convinced me to change course,
so that you and I could
be brothers again.
- [laughs]
- How wonderful to hear you laugh again.
[laughs] Oh, Dick. Do you
think I actually mailed
an invitation to our
old goldfish by accident?
- Oh, boy.
- The best gift I could have
received today is having
you here
so that I can see
the expression on your face
when I tell you that
the woman I'm actually about
- to marry is your ex-wife!
- Hello!
- Tatyana. Help.
- Oh, no. Rich people are bad.
[sighs] If only there'd
been some way
to know that ahead of time.
Hurry, hurry, marry us
before my brother blacks out.
- Do you, Rick, take Tatyana
- I do.
- And do you, Tatyana
- It's a yes.
- You may kiss the bride.
- [both moaning]
Dick, I'm kissing Tatyana
in front of you
and all these paid actors.
Clap for us, actors!
- Ham!
- Sorry, I like to do what
- other people are doing.
- Beef, this is all our fault.
Yup. Who knew that Rick would
turn out to be the real Dick?
We've gotta get him out of here.
[groaning]
- Come on.
- Kids, help!
- Wait, wait! Take me with you!
- Oh, don't go.
Tatyana and I are going
to do some German Squirmin'
in front of everyone,
like old times!
That's not a phrase!
[groaning]
Is he, uh, dying?
'Cause if he does die,
we're keeping the boat.
I think he's just in shock.
Ugh, I was so sure
that his brother would
want to reconcile and I
wanted that for him because,
well, I have
such a great brother.
- Yes, you do.
- Oh, hey, you're talking again.
- You okay?
- Yes. No. Sort of.
- Dick, I'm sorry
- No, no, Beef Tobin, your heart
was in the right place
but, please,
- let's just get out of here now.
- I don't think we can leave
until you've given your brother a gift.
I believe I catch your drift, Tobin.
Yes, I also smell
the broth you're brewing.
Damn it, I cannot shake this.
Butler!
Ready the artillery.
Oh, no, I still go
whaling all the time
- What in the?
- [bats screeching]
Bats! No!
[clamoring]
Dick, you bat rastard!
I always cry at weddings.
So here's what I'm thinking:
we gotta go talk to this guy.
But first we should put
together a list of questions
to ask my looper about our future.
- Okay.
- Like I'm gonna ask him
where my keys are gonna be
if I lose them in the future.
Or if I ever work up
the courage to try dog food.
Okay, let's just
go over our questions.
Here's what I've got:
will Honeybee always find
my extra-long toes charming?
Should we have kids,
or will it be
a Back to the Future II
situation
where they just look
like us in wigs
but turn out to be horrible people?
And, will me and Honeybee always
be together, even if I take her
to the same place for date night
all the time? Okay, your turn.
Hmm. I'll just
let you read mine.
It's blank. [gasps]
Honeybee,
is this your way of telling me
that you
already know the future?!
No, Wolf.
I didn't write anything down
because I don't really
want to know our future.
I'm enjoying watching it
play out in real time.
Really? Even though
I always book the same
restaurant for date night?
I was all ding-dang
worried that you were
getting bored with me.
Oh, Wolfie.
The only reason I don't wanna
always go to
the Russian Restaurant
is because
they have such a huge menu
and we both get so much
anxiety about what to pick.
I always get food FOMO!
But I'll tell you what I definitely
don't have: husband FOMO.
And how could I
be bored with you?
We just spent all night chasing
your future self even though
we both probably know deep down
- he's just some guy.
- [laughs]
Or is he? Aw, Honeybee
- [both yell]
- I don't know what you two want
or if Pamthony sent you,
but stop following me.
Don't hit me!
It's me, you.
I mean, you, me. I mean,
we don't even know Pamthony.
- Get outta here!
- Ah!
Going, thanks, love you!
Well, that was a lot of fun.
Sweetie, did you see that
flash of light
in his window?
He just looped!
Wait, no, he's opening
the curtain. Oh, and he's nude.
That is definitely not you, babe.
No, it is not. Whoa,
that is a lot of testicles.
I know I shouldn't
feel good about
- bat-bombing a wedding, but
- I feel great about it.
Now I know what I'm getting
everyone for Christmas.
[laughs] The bats.
They went everywhere!
I've never had friends
stand up for me before.
Will you later
stab me in the back?
Is this just some sort
of elaborate setup?
No, Mr. Chateau,
they're really like this.
How nauseatingly curious.
Actually,
even Beef and I have our own
- unresolved disagreements.
- We do?
Yes, that's
what I wanted to tell you.
I've been mad at you
since the State Fair.
Is it because I said
hot tubs could never replicate
the experience
of natural hot springs?
Sort of. You said that
to a potential customer.
You also said things like,
"This hot tub is expensive,"
and, "You could pre-pay
for your entire family's caskets
for the same price
as this small warm pool."
- That's our dad.
- He absolutely loves casket chat.
You said to make
conversation with people but
Mm. Now I see that wasn't
the right kind of conversation.
Ah, I'm sorry, Brian,
if I messed up your sales.
I I really had no idea
you were upset with me.
And I'm sorry
that I didn't tell you.
Next time I'll just be
open about it right away
so we don't end up
like the Chateau brothers.
Wow. You two had a problem
and you solved it
without a single bat bomb.
[giggles] Hey, look,
there really is some "broth"
in "brothers,"
because we're two brothers
and, like, the hot tub is like
the pot of broth. And
- BRIAN: Are you drunk again?
- BEEF: Seems like!
Tell me what you need ♪
I got gels, mousse,
pastes, and pomades ♪
Got Devon's Hair Sauce,
that'll last for days ♪
You want Gel By Jan? ♪
Hair Butter By Brad? ♪
Maybe Side Part Fudge
for you or your dad ♪
Are you a gel-ous guy? ♪
A musky mousse? ♪
Need a paste of honey? ♪
Cause the mousse is loose! ♪
Oh, gel, gel, gel,
what do we have hair? ♪
Here's a little dome grease
for that bald spot there ♪
I got hair ♪
Gravy, extra hold ♪
An old tube of perm paste
that's, like, way too old ♪
You can be a spruce mousse,
or a dirty gel daddy ♪
Me, myself,
I'm a full body baddie ♪
I got it all. ♪