The Guild (2007) s03e08 Episode Script
+10 to Bravery
I wondered why Bladezz's mom had this weird smile on her face when she picked up Dena.
This situation is untenable.
"Untenable"? I've never used that word before.
How about scary, disturbing, and borderline illegal? It's crazy! Who would go to these lengths to besmirch someone over a game? "Besmirch?" That's another stupid word! I am paying to play this game, and it has become my full-time, stress-filled job.
It's just discombobulating, disturbing whatever! Bladezz, calm down and explain it slowly.
The big dude from the rival Guild banged my mom! I can't explain it any better! I'm traumatized! Well, maybe he was bluffing.
Can you prove it? It's my mom! Just thinking about proving it traumatized me again! Bladezz, we've all seen our moms naked in many, many positions.
No, we haven't.
No, not really.
Forget I said anything.
We should call the police or something.
This is getting crazy sauced! No, the dude is a cop! He was in full uniform and everything.
Oh, cop uniform? Yummy! Your Mom must have been an easy drop.
Clara! Sorry, Guildies, but I must depart.
I'm off to deepen my relationship and form a lasting bond.
Lady Schwag'd.
Bladezz, I'm sending an e-mail to their admin account asking the other Guild Leader to meet in a private channel.
Now.
We're gonna settle this like adults or something.
And this is the perfect time for Vork to take over.
Not yet, but you'll be pleased to know I'm making personal progress.
While cruising at 15 MPH through affluent neighborhoods, I stumbled upon this, the perfect Wi-Fi connection.
Is there a problem here? You are in my driveway.
Your Wi-Fi is unfortunately sporadic past the curb.
Not to mention today is street cleaning.
I don't know you.
Herman Holden, aka Vork.
I'm a seeker of knowledge of myself.
The name of your Wi-Fi connection "Enlightenment" drew me here.
You are playing a video game in your car.
I'm soul-searching, but I do have gaming obligations.
Tell me, is there an innate and unavoidable resentment of women against men in an authority position? When you look at me, how intense is your penis envy? On a scale of 1-10.
Are you seriously sitting in my driveway, using my internet, asking me about penis? Exactly.
No, sir.
I'm calling the police.
So much for "Enlightenment"! I'll be online later, Guildies.
Did someone request a private chat? "All you need is confidence and ignorance, then success is sure.
" - Mark Twain.
Hi.
Hi, I was hoping the two of us meeting could help diffuse the situation between our Guilds.
Sure you did.
Okay, point one: Bladezz is a kid, not just an anonymous name on your computer screen.
Oh, I know.
Bruiser banged his mom.
That's about as un-anonymous as you can get.
I was hoping we could resolve this in a civilized manner.
Hey, I live by my own rules.
I'm the kind of guy who doesn't pay attention when the gas tank tells me to fill it.
I fill it when I fucking well please.
If everyone treated each other like that, no one would be safe anywhere.
People would be calling roadside assistance all the time! It would be chaos! Life is PvP.
In-game and out.
PvP means Player versus Player.
I know what PvP is! You guys have gone above and beyond getting revenge.
Even Tink would agree with that.
Well, Tink isn't here, is she? Because you didn't invite her.
Because you wanted to see me alone.
- Wait, what? - All right, don't admit it.
Or acknowledge it.
Maybe you're not even aware of it.
Because your sexuality scares you.
Embrace the fear.
Okay, sexuality does not scare me! I am very adequate in that area, and it's Oh, I see what you doing with your brainiac steam-rolling.
You're trying to throw me off-track! Well, I have news for you, Highlander.
My brain is as good as yours is, I just don't use it to bully people.
Or quote things! Oh, you think we're equals? Okay, Guild Leader.
You just ordered up the full Axis of Anarchy treatment.
I want you to remember this moment, because you just asked for something that you definitely cannot handle.
Can I just call a do-over? Hello? Tink.
What are you doing here? Do you know my real name? You know, the medical school is always looking for cadavers.
Calm down, Tink.
I need to talk to you about your new Guild.
I risked a lot coming out here, out into the sun.
Any second I could start to burn.
Is Bladezz still all boo-hoo about that Finn Smulders site? You know, no one made him pose like a d-bag.
You know what else they're doing to him? Planting weapons on him? Seducing his mom? Whatever.
They see a play, they run with it.
You know, this isn't a game.
They're ruining his life! He ruined my life! The character he destroyed was closer to me than any of you, Guild lame-os! The only reason you had fun with that character at all is because we're a Guild, and we play together! Even Bladezz was part of that.
I totally just saw a freckle pop up on your face.
Real-time.
Okay, tell the Anarchists to back off.
I can't promise I can't promise we won't fight back! What are the "Knights of Good" gonna do with you as leader? Call them over for s'mores? What's wrong with s'mores? Two freckles just grew together.
They're forming a pod.
Run.
- Lovely day to play outside.
- Yes, my love.
I wanted us to have a very special outing, you know, to re-kindle the romance and to recharge our health meters, or my health meter.
You haven't seen it because we've been copulating so much, but I am a man of great romance in my heart, and I brought this token of my affection to present.
This is my commemorative gaming ring.
It has a cave troll engraved on it.
And I want you to wear it as a symbol of our blossoming love.
That's cool.
Here, let me kiss What the? Fuzzballs! No kiss.
Gimmie the ring.
- I'll give you a 45-second head start.
- For what? Run in a "Z", sweetie!
This situation is untenable.
"Untenable"? I've never used that word before.
How about scary, disturbing, and borderline illegal? It's crazy! Who would go to these lengths to besmirch someone over a game? "Besmirch?" That's another stupid word! I am paying to play this game, and it has become my full-time, stress-filled job.
It's just discombobulating, disturbing whatever! Bladezz, calm down and explain it slowly.
The big dude from the rival Guild banged my mom! I can't explain it any better! I'm traumatized! Well, maybe he was bluffing.
Can you prove it? It's my mom! Just thinking about proving it traumatized me again! Bladezz, we've all seen our moms naked in many, many positions.
No, we haven't.
No, not really.
Forget I said anything.
We should call the police or something.
This is getting crazy sauced! No, the dude is a cop! He was in full uniform and everything.
Oh, cop uniform? Yummy! Your Mom must have been an easy drop.
Clara! Sorry, Guildies, but I must depart.
I'm off to deepen my relationship and form a lasting bond.
Lady Schwag'd.
Bladezz, I'm sending an e-mail to their admin account asking the other Guild Leader to meet in a private channel.
Now.
We're gonna settle this like adults or something.
And this is the perfect time for Vork to take over.
Not yet, but you'll be pleased to know I'm making personal progress.
While cruising at 15 MPH through affluent neighborhoods, I stumbled upon this, the perfect Wi-Fi connection.
Is there a problem here? You are in my driveway.
Your Wi-Fi is unfortunately sporadic past the curb.
Not to mention today is street cleaning.
I don't know you.
Herman Holden, aka Vork.
I'm a seeker of knowledge of myself.
The name of your Wi-Fi connection "Enlightenment" drew me here.
You are playing a video game in your car.
I'm soul-searching, but I do have gaming obligations.
Tell me, is there an innate and unavoidable resentment of women against men in an authority position? When you look at me, how intense is your penis envy? On a scale of 1-10.
Are you seriously sitting in my driveway, using my internet, asking me about penis? Exactly.
No, sir.
I'm calling the police.
So much for "Enlightenment"! I'll be online later, Guildies.
Did someone request a private chat? "All you need is confidence and ignorance, then success is sure.
" - Mark Twain.
Hi.
Hi, I was hoping the two of us meeting could help diffuse the situation between our Guilds.
Sure you did.
Okay, point one: Bladezz is a kid, not just an anonymous name on your computer screen.
Oh, I know.
Bruiser banged his mom.
That's about as un-anonymous as you can get.
I was hoping we could resolve this in a civilized manner.
Hey, I live by my own rules.
I'm the kind of guy who doesn't pay attention when the gas tank tells me to fill it.
I fill it when I fucking well please.
If everyone treated each other like that, no one would be safe anywhere.
People would be calling roadside assistance all the time! It would be chaos! Life is PvP.
In-game and out.
PvP means Player versus Player.
I know what PvP is! You guys have gone above and beyond getting revenge.
Even Tink would agree with that.
Well, Tink isn't here, is she? Because you didn't invite her.
Because you wanted to see me alone.
- Wait, what? - All right, don't admit it.
Or acknowledge it.
Maybe you're not even aware of it.
Because your sexuality scares you.
Embrace the fear.
Okay, sexuality does not scare me! I am very adequate in that area, and it's Oh, I see what you doing with your brainiac steam-rolling.
You're trying to throw me off-track! Well, I have news for you, Highlander.
My brain is as good as yours is, I just don't use it to bully people.
Or quote things! Oh, you think we're equals? Okay, Guild Leader.
You just ordered up the full Axis of Anarchy treatment.
I want you to remember this moment, because you just asked for something that you definitely cannot handle.
Can I just call a do-over? Hello? Tink.
What are you doing here? Do you know my real name? You know, the medical school is always looking for cadavers.
Calm down, Tink.
I need to talk to you about your new Guild.
I risked a lot coming out here, out into the sun.
Any second I could start to burn.
Is Bladezz still all boo-hoo about that Finn Smulders site? You know, no one made him pose like a d-bag.
You know what else they're doing to him? Planting weapons on him? Seducing his mom? Whatever.
They see a play, they run with it.
You know, this isn't a game.
They're ruining his life! He ruined my life! The character he destroyed was closer to me than any of you, Guild lame-os! The only reason you had fun with that character at all is because we're a Guild, and we play together! Even Bladezz was part of that.
I totally just saw a freckle pop up on your face.
Real-time.
Okay, tell the Anarchists to back off.
I can't promise I can't promise we won't fight back! What are the "Knights of Good" gonna do with you as leader? Call them over for s'mores? What's wrong with s'mores? Two freckles just grew together.
They're forming a pod.
Run.
- Lovely day to play outside.
- Yes, my love.
I wanted us to have a very special outing, you know, to re-kindle the romance and to recharge our health meters, or my health meter.
You haven't seen it because we've been copulating so much, but I am a man of great romance in my heart, and I brought this token of my affection to present.
This is my commemorative gaming ring.
It has a cave troll engraved on it.
And I want you to wear it as a symbol of our blossoming love.
That's cool.
Here, let me kiss What the? Fuzzballs! No kiss.
Gimmie the ring.
- I'll give you a 45-second head start.
- For what? Run in a "Z", sweetie!