The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s03e08 Episode Script

Good morning, Sir lawrence.
Morning.
Bran with raisins, sire.
Thank you.
We've got a terrific Lineup tonight, And prepare to be dazzled.
Good.
Let's just Finish this up.
Ok.
They'd like to know If you'll be bringing someone.
What exciting event Has our important Talk-show host Been invited to? Just a little dinner With the president Of the united states.
Ooh! That's both Hoity and toity.
Where are you sitting? Table 20.
Hey, not bad.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
So will you be Bringing someone? Uh I don't know yet.
I haven't had The pleasure Of saluting our Commander in chief In some time.
Ahem.
Just keep me in mind If you can't scrounge up Anybody better.
Will do.
Who's carol richmond? She's the secretary At william morris.
You were supposed To take her out to dinner.
Just, uh, tell her I'm in big bear For the next couple Weeks, ok? Larry, if i use That big bear excuse, She's going to know that You're blowing her off.
I'm not blowing anyone.
Not till next week at The big network meeting.
Yeah, when i'll be Blowing everyone.
Me, too.
[Laughs.]
Uh, gentlemen, excuse me.
Do you mind? Oh, beverly, we're Just boys talk.
What the fuck? Big news.
Page 51, people magazine.
Drum roll, please Don't need it.
Sharon stone's Engagement is off.
It's dead.
Kaput.
She is available.
Nobody gives a shit.
The grand high-exalted Pussy master here might.
Hank, i'm in The room please? Oh, i'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I thought you knew.
Now, if i am not mistaken, Ms.
Stone is on our Little show tonight, Is that right? [Groans.]
Mmm.
I just love her.
I mean, if i wasn't A married man-- Guess whose not getting Any pussy at home.
I'm getting Some pussy at home.
Gentlemen, excuse me.
How would you like it If i talked about pussy, huh? How would you like that? Pussy, pussy, i'm gonna Go get me some pussy.
How would you like that? Well, when you say it that way, It takes the shine off it.
I'll go get a job At a bank.
I swear.
Get some of that Drive-through pussy.
[Laughs.]
Beautiful, Beautiful, beautiful.
Let me see.
What? Let me see The picture.
Ms.
Stone Look at that.
Ooh.
Hello.
Hmm.
I wonder if She looks this sexy In real life, 'Cause i know I don't.
Mmm.
Mr.
Sanders.
Hi.
Diane french.
I'm sharon's Assistant.
Oh, hi, diane.
Nice to meet you.
Pleasure.
This is a surprise.
We were told That you never Talk to guests Before the show.
Oh, that is not the case.
I often come down To say hello to the guests Just as a common courtesy, You know? Very nice.
Larry? So What are doing Back here before The show? Is something wrong? Phil, i'm just saying Hello to the guests.
This is diane.
Phil, our writer.
Hi.
Nice To meet you.
Nice to meet you.
You know, If you're going To try something new, You should tell people.
You scared the shit Out of me.
Everything's fine.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, good.
Ok.
Uh I got larry here for you.
Thanks.
Can you pick up The check for me? Yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
Well, There he is.
I just Wanted to stop by And say thanks For doing the show.
I really appreciate it.
Sure.
My pleasure.
I'm glad It's back on the air.
Oh, thanks.
Me, too.
I had to go to montana To get, uh You know, some things Straight in my life.
Just get away For a while.
I'm sure you understand What that's like.
Yeah.
I was in this really Unhealthy relationship With my ex-wife, You know? We were like locusts.
We'd get together Every 7 years And destroy everything For miles And then Split apart again.
But, you know, That's over.
She's back In new york now, And i'm here In l.
A.
Alone, Which is great because I have, you know I can find myself now.
I'm enjoying The time alone.
Larry, You read the article In people magazine, didn't you? What article? The one about My engagement being off.
Oh, no.
I didn't.
So you're No longer with, uh C.
A.
A.
Sharon? Hi.
Hi.
Excuse me, guys, But i just Wanted to say hi.
Hank kingsley.
Nice to meet you.
I just want You to know It's just A real thrill To meet you.
Oh, thanks.
Listen, larry and i Read the, uh Thing in people This morning About the, uh-- Ow.
You're On my, um About The engaugement And, uh, listen, Just know that Things in this life Happen for a reason.
Remember that When we fire you.
[Laughing.]
When i say we, I hope You'll participate.
Ow.
Well, have a good time Out there on the show.
Ok.
And welcome.
Thank you Welcome.
Ok.
Well, See you out there.
You will.
Ok.
He might be there.
[Laughs.]
all right.
Ok.
Welcome.
Ok.
Bye.
And, hank vous etes très gentil.
I want to thank you For being here.
I hope you'll Come back soon.
Thanks.
No.
You'll be coming back, Won't you? No.
Come on.
Won't you Be coming back? I don't think so.
No, that'll be it.
You're coming back.
Ok.
All right.
I'll come Back to see hank.
May i say, you have A beautiful voice.
Thank you.
We'll be right back.
We have will smith.
This has been Sharon stone, And, uh, stay tuned.
No flipping.
[Audience cheers.]
Thank you.
Um Let me walk you.
Thank you.
Boy, thank you.
It was just great.
Oh, i feel so uncomfortable When i do these shows.
Really? Well, so do i.
You do? Yeah.
You're so good at it.
No, trust me, I hate myself.
So what does someone Like you do now? Tonight? Yeah.
Um, i'm having dinner With oliver stone.
Wow.
That's just What i imagined Someone like you doing, Having dinner With oliver stone.
Larry! Larry! What are you doing here During the show? Is there a problem Or something? There's no problem.
I'm walking Ms.
Stone out.
Common courtesy? Oh, right.
Right.
Good.
There's a lot Of gang activity In this part Of the hallway.
You know, If you married Oliver stone, You'd be sharon stone.
Sharon stone.
Actually, we are married.
No, i'm kidding.
I'm not really.
I don't even know him.
But we're going To discuss a future project.
Oh, that is so great.
I'd love to talk To that guy, 'cause I think my mother Had something To do with the kennedy Assassination.
Well, in that case, Why don't You join us for dinner? You could-- sort-- You could come as my date.
Are you sure I wouldn't, uh, Be imposing? I don't want You to think I tried to weasel in To your Oliver stone dinner.
No, i know you did But i think He'd like to meet you.
Well, that Would be great.
I would love that.
Ok.
Thanks.
I'll look Forward to it.
All right.
I got to go talk To will smith, Or believe me, i Wouldn't leave.
All right.
Great.
Ok? Great.
I'll I'll follow you Down the block.
All right.
I'll see you tonight then.
Good morning.
Good morning, larry.
Listen, the tv guide Reporter's in the office.
He said it'll Only take about Half an hour.
Oh, ok.
Is there anything You want to tell me About last night? Hi.
Don't stand, I enjoy feeling really tall.
Denis markle, tv guide.
Thanks for taking The time.
Hey, i love tv guide.
I especially love The crossword puzzle, But those-- those clues.
the courtship blank eddie's father.
I was up half the night.
"Of.
" The word was "of.
" Oh, was it "of"? Damn it.
I put "and.
" [Laughs.]
Feel free to call me Next time.
I will.
So i assume This is, uh Jay, dave, me.
The talk-show wars.
Blah, blah, blah.
Yeah, but you know, Before we get started, I wanted to ask You something.
I, uh I understand You had dinner with Sharon stone last night.
How'd you hear that? Well, sharon stone, You know, We know Everything she does.
How was The food at morton's? Great.
Fine.
And i understand you Took her back to your Place after dinner? Excuse me.
You just made Me think of something.
Uh, beverly? Beverly: yeah? Would you do me A favor and see If we've heard from The cadillac dealership yet? I certainly can.
Thank you.
Uh, larry, i'm sorry To interrupt you.
There's an emergency.
Uh, something fell On bobby on the stage.
Oh, my god.
Excuse me.
Sure.
The emergency.
I have to go.
You want me To stick around? UhOh, i don't know.
Something's happened To robbie.
Are you ok? All this guy did Is ask me about Sharon stone, ok? Larry, i'll get Rid of him.
Sharon? Yeah.
I'm doing An interview, and this-- Hey, larry, I heard "cadillac," But there was A bottleneck in The kitchenette.
I'm doing an interview With this guy from tv guide, And he's asking me About sharon stone.
He even know that We had eaten at morton's.
Oh, loose lip Was right.
Oh, for god sakes, hank, If you want to know about My relationship, just ask me.
Don't read that stuff.
See, i'm sorry.
But i just didn't know.
I didn't know I had that option.
That's great.
Good.
So, um, what did, uh, What did she eat? Oh, for god sake.
Come on.
Did liz mention That last night's Ratings Were the highest We've had This season? The ratings weren't higher Than my first night back From montana, were they? Of course not.
Good.
Hey Oh, no.
Too late.
All gone.
What were You saying? Excuse me.
Larry? Uh, diane called From sharon's office.
Sharon would like To come by tonight And have dinner After the show.
Great.
Tell her to meet me In the, uh, hallway backstage.
Ok.
What? [Laughs.]
What are you doing? Mmm.
I can't [Mumbles.]
What is wrong with him? What does this have To do with publicity? This is My personal life.
I'd like to keep A little distance.
Look, larry, when you're Dating joanie baloney, Who gives a shit? But sharon stone-- I'm wetting myself.
Well, that's a pre-existing Condition, i believe.
Larry, i need pictures Of the two of you together.
Laughing, crying-- I don't care.
Norman, when we came out Of the restaurant, There were hundreds Of photographers.
There must be Thousands of pictures Already taken.
Yeah, i know.
Hundreds of pictures of her.
You're off to the side.
She's blocking you.
I mean, your ass Is halfway out the limo door.
You know what? Do me a favor.
Next time They start snapping, Get your head In close, you know? Like this.
Just get it In like that, you know? That'd be better.
Why don't i just Have her carry me Around in a headlock? Oh, speaking of which, um She must be wild in bed.
Is she wild? Would you do me a favor And step back? Let me explain the second law Of thermodynamics to you, ok? Heat always passes From a hotter body To a cooler body And never The other way around.
All right.
Is there going to be A quiz on this? No.
It's fabulous.
I mean, you see, You're getting her heat, That means the show Is getting heat, That means my kids will eat.
You have kids? There are some kids In my neighborhood.
Who gives a shit? I'll talk to you soon, ok? Take care, arthur.
Norm, you're the tops.
Bye-bye.
Well, what do you think? He comes across As being right.
I think this Is insane, artie.
If this is the way People react when I just have dinner, What's gonna happen If, god forbid, I have sex with her? The shot heard 'Round the world.
What a romantic way Of putting it.
Look, come on.
They watch every move she makes.
Don't you understand The current caliber Of this woman's celebrity? I'm a celebrity.
I know what it's like To have your every move Watched, artie.
No, she's More famous than you.
What? She's more famous Than you are.
She's what? More famous.
Oh, come on.
That is all relative.
Listen, i'm gonna tell you What you're gonna go through, Because i went through this When i was dating jackie bisset.
Your ego's gonna get The living shit Kicked out of it, pal.
You think you Can handle that, scout? I'm all for ya.
Go right ahead.
I think I can handle it.
Ok, i bet You can.
Can we do the show? Um, can i talk to you For just a second? You feeling better? Yeah, i'm fine.
Uh, could you Could you tell me What happened last night? Nothing happened.
We went to dinner, I took her home.
See, i respect that.
See, that's a gentleman.
Uh, that's-- I love you for that, But, uh, come on, This is me.
Hey, did you bang her? No.
Do you know who ate The last doughnut? I'll kill the person who Ate the last doughnut.
Was it you? Um, let me explain Something to you.
I know that never In this lifetime Will i enjoy The act of lovemaking With someone Of sharon stone's caliber.
I know this, And i accept this.
I'm so fat.
I am asking you to Just take pity on me, Please, just take pity And share with me Some of god's bounty That he has obviously Seen fit to bestow on you.
You sound like you're Quoting scripture now.
Are you aware of that? Just tell me what happened.
Did you hear? Larry is banging Sharon stone.
You shut the fuck up.
And hide that.
[Audience cheering.]
Man: how's sharon?! Phil? Hey, great show.
That's the worst show We've ever done.
Are you insane? I thought You handled That heckler Really well.
The next time you bring Your father to the show, You tell him to keep His mouth shut, all right? I'm sorry.
Woman: i heard it was Really well-received In europe.
Is sharon here yet? I don't know, I was just gonna Check it out.
I'm sick and tired Of talking about the Sex scenes in my movie.
I mean, in this movie With sly, there's maybe One 4-minute love scene.
And i think It's really beautiful And really tasteful, As they get.
But, actually, I think we're Gonna see a side of sly That's more vulnerable And more tender Than before.
I'll just be a minute.
No, that's ok, I'm fine.
I'll be Did sly have to shave For the movie? His chest? Wherever.
I don't think His depilatory problems Are my concern.
Larry sanders.
Hey, how ya doin'? You're standing On my cable.
Oh.
Sorry.
I'll be--i'll be Right over here.
Ok, i'll just Be 2 seconds.
I thought you were Heading out for dinner.
Oh, uh, reporters.
She's almost done.
Hey, i'm really Glad to see The man's finally The one nude In the movie.
I mean, if you're Into that kind of thing.
And i am.
Hear, hear! You know, while i had to Wait for jackie bisset, I used to stand there With a book And pretend I was reading.
Yeah.
Good tip.
Well, good luck Tonight, buddy.
* Many a tear has to fall * * But it's all * I have to tell you Before we get started That i was on The wrestling team In high school, And i can break Any of your holds.
Yeah? Yeah Well, unh! Unh! Unh! Wow! I only have One of those.
I could crush you.
Yeah, well i know.
I've seen your movies.
Oh! Uh, listen, I keep forgetting To ask you.
I have tickets for The clinton dinner, And i was wondering If you would like To go with me, Because i have Which i understand Is excellent.
You do? Mm-hmm.
That's great.
I have 2 tickets too.
I was gonna ask you To be my date.
Really? Yeah, really.
Well, Isn't that perfect? Where are you s-- Where are your seats? Mm-hmm.
Table 1.
You're at table 1? Mm-hmm.
Well, that Sounds closer Than my table.
Mm-hmm.
Table 1? Who are you Sitting with? Bill and hillary.
Oh, them.
Mm-hmm.
Well, i guess We could sit with them If you wanted to.
Great.
What's wrong? Oh, nothing.
Nothing.
It's not you, It's just I don't-- It's the radio.
Let me What's wrong? Nothing, what's Wrong with you? It's the radio.
Are you ok? Wait, i just gotta Turn the radio off.
There.
All right.
There we go.
There we go.
Table 1? Mm-hmm.
[Sighs.]
Well-- Well, you're just Tired, i guess.
I don't know.
I'll tell you what Yeah.
You're just tired.
You're working too hard.
Yeah, maybe We should watch A little tv.
Hank on tv: larry sanders show.
Tonight, join larry And his guests mel gibson, Ellen degeneres, Wolfgang puck, And me, "Hey now" hank kingsley.
And now, because he's Better-looking than i am, Larry sanders.
[Cheering, applause.]
Are you actually telling me You couldn't get an erection Until you turned Your own goddamn show on? Gentlemen, please! Look, he was Being clinical.
He didn't Call it a woody.
Ugh.
What happened? Do you have to eat While we're talking About this? Please? Everything was Going fine.
We're in bed, Terrific, And then i ask her If she wants to go To the Clinton dinner.
And she says She's already going, And she's sitting With the clintons.
Next thing i know, All the blood In my body Settled in my ass.
I warned you, didn't i? If you're in A show business relationship, And the woman's More famous than you are, She's the one with the dick.
This has nothing to do With being famous.
I can show you a list Of women this long That aren't famous That i haven't been able To get it up with.
That came out wrong.
Take your time.
It's only been A few days, And you know what? It feels like This relationship Is all about her.
This is not About me.
I have no ident-- Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah.
No identity.
Uh-huh.
In this thing.
It's all about her.
Believe me, i know.
Not me.
Sharon and who? Sharon and who? Beverly on intercom: Larry, she's on line 2.
Ok, thank you.
Sharon? Hello? Sharon? It's diane.
Who's this? Oh, it's larry.
Oh, hi.
Did sharon Give you this number? Uh, yeah.
Is she there? Larry, i'm sorry, Can i ask you to hold For just a second? Ok, sure.
Hi, who's this? Larry.
Larry.
I'm sorry, I'm trying to track Sharon down for you.
Please hold.
Larry? Yeah.
I'm sorry, larry.
I feel like an idiot.
I totally forgot.
Sharon's not here.
She went to canyon ranch For a couple of weeks.
Oh, canyon ranch.
Yeah.
Can i, uh, Put you on hold For just a second? Mm-hmm.
Beverly? Beverly, Get in here Right now.
I need you.
Uh, it's diane.
Oh, sorry.
Hold on.
Beverly? Yeah? Would you come in For a second? I need you.
Diane? Larry? No, diane, This is beverly.
Hi.
Hi, there.
Listen, diane, Larry tells me That sharon's gone To canyon ranch for A couple of weeks? Yes, i totally forgot.
Diane, i'm gonna Have to put you on hold For just a minute.
See, canyon ranch Is the female Equivalent To big bear.
She's blowing Me off.
No, larry, i don't know, Maybe she has Just gone to canyon ranch For a couple of weeks.
She's blowing me off.
You know what? I need to get out of This relationship.
I need somebody Who is not in Show business.
Someone who Can nurture me.
Larry, do you know I had this same Exact conversation With both your ex-wives? Well, that is A coincidence.
Yeah, probably.
But, at any event, You want me to Take care of it for you? Yeah.
Diane? Listen, this Canyon ranch thing, You know, just between The two of us, Does it mean what I think it does? Are you alone? Yeah.
Sharon really Likes larry, But she feels She needs to be involved With somebody outside Of show business.
Somebody who can Nurture her.
Yeah, i understand That, yeah.
So this is over, right? Yeah, it's over.
Thanks, beverly.
You bet.
Are you ok? Yeah, i just Hate confrontation.
Sure glad I'm out of that.
I hope we've Learned our lesson.
You ok? I can't believe She's out of Our lives.
All right.
Boy, does he Crave attention.
Yeah.
He's taking it Badly, though.
You know, i need To meet somebody normal, Like a nurse Or a schoolteacher.
I vote for a nurse.
They can get You drugs, And those girls Really know How to swing.
When i was In for my hernia, Listen, hey, I had a sponge bath, And whoa, baby! Who's that? I believe That's the lovely And talented Julianne phillips.
She's not more famous Than i am, is she? No! Julianne? I'm arthur.
I met you with dan.
Yes, of course.
Nice to see you.
You know larry, right? Hi, i'm larry.
Hi.
It's a pleasure To meet you.
I'm a big fan Of your show.
Thank you.
I'm a big fan of yours.
Thanks.
Are you going To the clinton dinner, Uh, on friday? Yeah, are you going? Yeah, i have a couple Of extra tickets, actually.
Well, i've got Oh, where are You sitting? Table 2.