The Life and Times of Tim (2008) s03e08 Episode Script

Now you're looking at a man that's getting kinda mad I had lots of luck but it's all been bad no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive my fishing pole's broke, the creek is full of sand my woman ran away with another man no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
- This-- this can't be good.
- Nope.
- Here we are again.
- We're getting fired again.
Oh man, this stinks.
All right, everyone, thank you for coming.
I'm sorry it's gonna be under such-- such dark circumstances.
Oh dear.
I know the holidays are coming, but does anybody want to come to my birthday party?! - What? - It's just a big ruse.
- I'm having a big party! - Oh.
Who wants to come to my party? The meanest way to invite people to a party I've ever seen.
What have we got? We've got Amenco dancers - Ooh.
- A wild west rodeo show with union actors.
- In the house? - In the hiz-ouse.
- Nice.
- Ice sculpture of me spouting vodka from no fewer than three mystery orifices.
Wow.
Plumbing alone on that's gonna be impressive.
I can send an eVite if you want to invite-- No no! Just-- just the 10 of us.
- Okay.
- That's it.
All right.
Sorry.
Awkward way to end the invite.
Would not have guessed those three orifices.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's pretty spectacular.
Um-pss um-pss um-pss um-pss.
It's impressive in its own way.
Um-pss um-pss um-pss.
Who's partying, right? - Nobody.
- Nobody's partying here.
Clearly, because it was a ruse and there's no party.
Well, the ice sculpture's always here.
They just kind of rechisel it every second morning.
- So why are we here, boss? - Well, ready for this? You are all going to participate in an extremely dangerous and highly illegal heist! Whoo! - That's not good news.
- A heist? It's going to be like "Ocean's Eleven.
" - I'm Clooney.
Tim, you're Pitt, right? - Really? Stu, who do you want-- Scott Caan or Casey Affleck? Elliott Gould.
Elliott Gould.
You want Ellio-- you're in then.
You're Elliott Gould, bro.
- Back up a second.
- Go ahead.
Why is Tim Brad Pitt? And why do you need to steal? You're rich.
A heist is about the thrill, and plus we're going to be stealing something far more valuable than gold.
Silver? - No, uh-- It's less.
- Yeah, 's a bit less, right? - Oh, magnesium? - Oh my God.
- That's a crazy second choice.
- Teak? - Teeth? This could go on all night.
- Teak.
- That's not-- teak is a wood.
We're gonna be stealing my most valued object in the world-- - Keith.
- I should have seen that coming.
My whore of an ex-wife happened to take Keith in the settlement, - and now she's giving him away to an adoptive family.
- Really? We're gonna take him back.
And I need you to be - my Pitt on this, bro.
- Boss.
I need you to be my Pitt.
Boss, you didn't think this through, did you? Listen, it's my old apartment, so we're not doing anything illegal.
And I've gone the extra mile.
I've flown all the way from Encino, California, Los Angeles screenwriter Ted Griffin, the author of "Ocean's Eleven.
" - Tell me you're joking.
- Wow.
- Hey, guys.
- I was just shitting, but I got done just in time to enter.
Our timing is already impeccable.
Wow, that's so-- okay, well, um-- taking a shit? What's going on here? Let's go meet at the surveillance van right now, at 0800.
You mean 8:00 tomorrow morning? No, I mean just right now.
You know what I mean.
Why are you busting my balls? Boss, we can't fit Yeah, we absolutely can, because they did.
- It's a minivan.
- Helen's butt is literally in my face.
- Oh.
- I know, and it is filled with evil.
- Please.
Excuse me.
- Exactly.
Listen, everyone, I know it's a little unpleasant, but we just-- we have to make this work.
It's my birthday, it's my favorite movie and I want to get my dog back.
So can we just suck it up and do-- I don't remember this scene.
Oh no, there was-- this was exactly-- ask Ted.
It didn't happen this way in the movie.
There were only five guys in the van.
This scene took place in a mid-century modern living room with a nice bar and a pool outside.
Let's do that.
Let's do that.
Ted, how much am I paying you? You're paying me $250,000 for the week, plus per diem.
Exactly, so we're gonna do this my way.
Interior, van! Helen is literally blowing ass in my face.
Come on! - She is farting.
She is farting.
- Oh.
- Anyone in this area knows it.
- Can't we do this outside the van? Ted, can you do a quick punch-up with Helen farting? Well, this actually goes in line with Bernie Mac.
All right, everybody get out of the van.
Hey, boss, do you know how long this is gonna take? 'Cause I'd like to really get home and chop the old toenails.
Me too.
I don't like dogs or heists or farting.
This is like a terrible night for me.
Sorry, but party Marty's out of here too.
I see no potential for intercourse here tonight.
This is unbelievable.
I've never been so betrayed.
It's like 11 fredos here.
Who else wants to leave? Put up your hand.
- Right here.
- Oh, come on, this is Keith.
If you won't do it for him, you know, do it for me.
Doesn't seem quite as sincere a plea, does it? You know what, guys? Let's just do it.
- The guy hired us back.
- See? - We kind of owe him.
- Let's do it, guys.
Who said that? I'm with that guy.
Fine, if we are in, what's the plan? We gotta do this tonight , because she is handing my pup over in the morning, okay? Now listen, I'm the obvious suspect, so I can't be involved.
I've gotta be across town establishing my alibi.
So I'm going to be at the karaoke bar with Becky.
- Why? - Why her? - Why me? - Well, we gotta help you-- a) We're gonna help you get over your fear of crowds and singing and being roofied.
Oh.
No, I don't think so.
- No no, it's all been-- - No, 'cause I'm gonna be in the van.
I'm gonna be making snappy banter.
- And I'll just be one of the guys and-- Actually, it can't-- - Becky, it has to be you.
- It has to be you.
- Everybody has a talent and a task and a weakness.
- Right.
And if it's not you, then I have to restructure everybody else.
So listen, we gotta get out of here.
Ted's gonna walk you through the plan.
- Just remember the most important thing.
- What is it? No food or drink in the van.
It's a rental.
Let's go, Becky.
- Those are not inspiring parting words.
- No.
Ted, this-- First of all, I didn't-- I didn't write any of that-- that speech.
This heist does not seem well-planned.
He's paying you to do this? Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't recognize you.
You're the guy who wrote "Heist," right? Oh, no, you're the guy who wrote "The Italian Job.
" - I-- - Oh, wait a minute.
Now I know.
You're the guy who wrote nothing.
I'm Ted Griffin, the writer of "Ocean's Eleven," so I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Wow, awkward heist.
I'm-- I'm sorry.
This is-- I apologize.
I got off on the wrong foot.
This is a heist.
It's a caper.
It should be bouncy and buoyant and-- Let's just have a good time, can we? - Okay.
- Light-hearted.
All right, now imagine the greatest montage of your life.
Stan will steal the video feed from the building's security cameras.
He'll also confront a lifelong fear of g for.
We can't access the elevator without a swipe key-- a C.
R.
M.
114.
There's a custodial crew making the rounds at night, and they've got one weakness-- beef stroganoff.
Oye, estamos limpiando esta noche.
Llamas a tu jefe si quieres, ¿ok? Sí, tiene esta noche libre.
Vete ahora, puto.
Once inside, you need only to charm the pooch, which is also a euphemism, but I mean it literally this time.
After you've taken possession of the dog, you need only to rendezvous with your teammates and make the final drop-off.
Then finally, erase all traces of the crime.
What the fuck was that last part? - Yeah, no one's killing anyone.
- Okay, scratch that.
Some people won't do nude.
Some people won't kill each other.
Ted, all due respect, this plan is impossible for this group to pull off.
You guys need to trust me.
Are you in or out? I was kind of out until you said, "Are you in or are you out?" And now I'm in.
- Now you're in? - Yeah.
That was very heistlike-- "Are you in or are you out?" And I'm like, "I'm buying it, dude.
I'm in.
" All right, we're in.
Hands in.
- I'm in.
- I'm in.
We're in.
Whose hand is on top of mine? - That's me.
- It's very smooth.
Okay, this is the a team here.
- Here we go.
- Marie, you know what to do, right? I will distract him with some type of sexual overture.
- Nice.
- Including, but not limited to tongue in mouth, tongue in ear, hand on buttock.
She is not a sexy woman.
De-bonered.
Evening, ma'am.
How can I help you? I'm lost.
Would you like a blowjob? What? What? Your dong, my mouth, right now.
My heart.
- No, not your heart, a dong.
- No no.
I'm not gonna give you a heart job.
Now this is why you can't give an old man a blowjob.
They either can't get it up or they die.
- Marie, what was that? - What was wrong? - What was wrong? - You were supposed to flirt with him.
- I did.
- You said, "Your dong, my mouth.
" That's flirting, Stu.
That made me softer than a bowl of jell-o.
We don't need to rehash this.
The plan is completely off rails.
- No, it's good.
- No no no.
It's "Ocean's Twelve," is what this is.
Let's dump the old man in the river and be done.
- Dump him? - No, he's alive.
Where'd that sweet dong lady go? Tell her I said yes.
Helen, can you take him to the hospital? I'll go.
Oh, but I can't drive.
You can't drive the car.
Great.
Yeah, but you can power the car with your farts.
You gotta let that go at some point.
Stan's gonna take her in the van.
Ted, relax.
Marie, shut up.
Tim's in control.
The rest of us will do the heist.
- A four-person heist? - Why not? Show me the poster.
That's got no foreign value whatsoever.
I'm out of here.
- I'm out too.
- You're leaving the heist? The old man got me kind going sexually, and I want to get home and watch a little porn.
I'm out.
Pretty classy, almost like the dialogue was written for Julia Roberts herself.
There was something going on Are you ready? Here we go.
This is us together.
You did something Becky, you're not singing.
Why are you--? You're supposed to be-- Becky, it's a duet.
- I can't.
I won't.
- No, it's a beautif-- No, I'm sorry.
I can't sing these beautiful, romantic words looking into your eyes, and singing that to you.
That's the purpose of it though, Becky.
Without you I can't sing the so-- I can't say lines like-- like Tender love is blind it requires a dedication See, I can't do it.
Well, I could, but it doesn't have the same feeling.
Islands in the stream How are we supposed to get up there now? Marie never got the passkey.
Easy.
While the security guard was laying and dying, I stayed cool and I swiped these.
- Whoa.
- Oh, look at you.
That's why they call me Brad Pitt.
Way to stay alert and not be distracted by compassion or empathy.
Well, yeah, I mean, way to be handsome, right? - Huh? - You're joking, right? I'm the Brad Pitt because of my looks.
- Oh, no no.
- My tight body and my good looks.
- No, not at all.
- Nope.
Honestly, how do you view yourself? Extremely good-looking, great personality and cool under pressure.
Wow, we do not give you enough feedback, my friend.
- Keith.
- Keith.
Keith, you want some beggin' strips, buddy? They're like bacon, but they're for doggies.
Oh.
- Is that him? - I think that's him.
All right, you know what? Who's good at tiptoeing? - I am.
- Stu.
- I am.
- Stu's good.
I sneak into people's houses all the time.
- I don't have cable.
- All right.
Shh.
Cover me.
He is surprisingly graceful.
I told you.
It's weird to look at, but-- - Look at how good he is.
- It's impressive.
sail away with me Well, everybody, she's nervous, but still it's great to be here with my coworker Becky at 9:12 P.
M.
On a Sunday night with all you beautiful witnesses.
We can ride it together Making love with each other Islands in the stream Come on, at least scat with me.
Of all things, I will not do that.
Why not? From one lover to another.
Uh uh.
I'm gonna be looking over here.
I will sing to the back of your head - with all the romance I can muster.
- Okay.
Baryshnikov, buddy.
- Guys, I got him.
Wait.
- You got him? - There's a problem.
- What's wrong? - This isn't Keith, guys.
- It's not Keith? - How do you know? - 'Cause Keith is a dog and this is a stuffed koala bear from F.
A.
O.
Schwarz.
Stuffed koala bear? - Whoa.
- Hit the lights, rod.
- I think it's a gund.
- Ooh, good brand.
Oh wait, there's a note to the boss.
"I know you too well.
" I assumed you would attempt an 'Ocean's 11' style heist to get Keith back, so I took him to my sister's until morning.
"Nice try jackass!" Oh man, that's disappointing.
Well, not a total loss.
Right, I mean it is a gund.
And we got these beggin' strips.
- Hey, boss.
- What's up? Listen, I don't know what to say.
You probably know already, but the heist was a flop.
So I mean what are we-- We didn't get Keith back, sir.
Oh, you don't-- are you not-- what are you-- are you referring to this Keith? - Oh my God.
- Wow.
Oh my God.
What's going on here? Listen, I knew my wife would expect me to try some kind of zany "Ocean's Eleven" type heist.
She expected you to pull off a heist? Oh, that bitch knows my taste in film.
I would have rather an "Italian Job" heist, but that's just-- I'm a-- I'm a Wahlberg guy.
Close your eyes and and get ready for a fast-paced montage.
Okay.
Okay, the lens is getting all watery.
- Mm-hmm.
- And we're in.
I figured if she thought she'd beaten me, she'd let her guard down.
I also knew that she didn't care enough about Keith to interview the adoptive family, so I had sweet party Marty and the female Rodney pose as the couple, arrive early and pick him up.
And that, as they say in "Ocean's Eleven," is that.
Yeah, nobody said that in "Ocean's Eleven.
" - Maybe they did.
- But wait, why couldn't you just have done that last part and skipped the elaborate fake heist? Not done the-- just gone right to the-- not done everything that risked everyone's life.
Yeah.
Huh.
Yeah, I mean okay, could have done that, right? But the problem was I was paying Ted Griffin a quarter mil to consult, and, you know, he felt very strongly that we needed this fake heist just to kind of fill out the second act.
God, it's a stupid plan.
Ted Griffin really fucked us.
No matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.
- I have never seen you drive a car.
- Don't start with me.
- You kind of drive like my grandma.
- Holy shit.
I mean, you look so awkward.
I've seen your grandmother drive.
She actually looks very confident and in control.
Yeah.
Yeah, what is the deal with Stu's new girlfriend? Her name is Gladys.
They've only gone out once or twice.
Kind of a perfect couple.
Hello.
Welcome.
We've been expecting you.
Make yourselves at home.
You must be Tim.
Me? No, I'm Stuballs.
- Stuballs? - Yeah.
- And this is my lady-friend Gladys.
- Hi.
- This is the girl I used to fantasize about-- Amy.
- Stop.
And the gentleman right over there with the credit card is Tim.
Hey.
- A wonderful introduction.
- Yes.
I just want to say you have a beautiful home.
- Oh, thank you.
- That's very nice.
So what's on the agenda? What do you got to do here? Do? Well, the leaves are changing colors.
The leaves? What do I do? What do you do while the leaves are changing? Honey, you look at it.
You look at it, honey? Nothing is expected of you really.
It's a fall foliage tour.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Dorothy used to call it "fallage.
" - That's funny.
- I don't get it.
Because the leaves are falling and it is fall and-- Let's get some rest.
There seems to be a bit of misunderstanding and tension in the room.
Let's attack this thing with a fresh mind and fresh eyes.
Sounds like fun.
Now look at the spectrum of colors on this maple tree here-- mauve, umber, goldenrod, lilac.
Ah, ochre.
- Is he gonna name every color - Tim.
- on the planet? - Stop.
Does anyone see colors I'm missing? Excuse me.
Ah, I see a hand.
Tim, what color do you see in the leaves? Oh no, I don't see-- I need to-- I need to take a piss.
- All right.
- Oh jeez.
It's fine.
The lodge is 200 yards back up the hill.
- We'll just wait.
- Thank you.
And for the record, I do see shades of cyan in the leaves.
That is a lie.
There is no color in that tree that even resembles cyan.
Just trying to participate.
He got that from printer cartridges.
That's how he got that color.
That is not gonna happen.
Oh, good heavens, this is not happening.
- Oh hey.
- Are you urinating on that tree? I don't want to keep everyone waiting.
I'm just being considerate.
Let me ask you something: Are you going to keep urinating as I talk to you? - Can I? - Tim! - Oh my God.
- Tim.
Young man, I demand that you retract your penis and stop defiling my trees.
- Retract my penis? - Retract it immediately.
I'm begging you give me No, just do it.
Do what he says.
- Reel in the line, Tim.
Reel it in.
- Tim, retract your penis.
- Five more seconds.
- Are you kidding? - What kind of joke would this be? - How can you not stop? Can't you just close the spigot, Tim? All right, there we go.
All done.
- Nature's business, right? - Well, finally.
Tim, I'm sorry, there's no going on with the tour.
I have no choice but to ban you from all leaf-related activities.
- Banned? Aww.
- This is not happening.
Please don't.
Tim, leave.
Yes, that was a pun.
I'm trying to maintain - Oh my God.
- Some levity here - as I ban you.
- You are a hero.
You are a hero, sir.
- Tim.
- Oh hey.
- What are you doing back? - Oh, I got banned.
- Banned? - A lifetime ban.
- Why? - Taking a leak.
- Oh Tim, you didn't.
- I did.
- Oh Tim.
- Whipped it out and went crazy.
You know what? Let's don't worry about it.
You and I together-- we can have our own fun.
We don't need them, right? I guess not.
What do we do? - We can have a blast.
- Really? - We can have a ball.
- All right, that's great.
You're my guest and it's gonna be my pleasure to make sure you leave here highly satisfied.
Do you understand what I'm saying, Tim? I think so.
No.
Oh, get over here.
Come over here.
Let's hang out.
Let's hang out.
All right.
What do you-- what do you have in mind? I think we could start with a little treat.
Okay.
How would you like to taste my peach cobbler? Would you like that? That got weird pretty fast.
Mm mm, num num.
You're gonna love it.
This is where things go wrong for me.
I appreciate it.
You're a great lady.
No one needs to know.
It'll be a special little treat - and secret among the two of us.
- Oh my God, Dorothy.
- You're a crazy lady.
- You bet I'm crazy.
Oh my God.
All right, you know what? - Crazy fun.
- This day is getting-- - That's what I am-- crazy fun.
- Oh, Doro-- - Come on, man, loosen up.
Get a grip here.
- Oh, I'm too tight.
It's just a special little treat for you.
You make it sod very quaint, but that's crazy.
I'm gonna say no.
Okay, fine.
You sound like Judd.
- Appreciate the offer.
- He's never in the mood to eat my cobbler either.
Oh my God.
You gotta stop saying that.
All right, I'll see you later.
Very weird talk.
Hey there, girl.
You are dead to me right now.
All right.
Hey, Judd, what are you reading there? Oh, it's interesting you ask.
It's a poem called "Deciduous Tree.
" - Sounds pretty great.
- It is.
Why don't I read it aloud to the group? Oh no, it's o-- I was just making small talk.
No no.
This is a great idea.
Yes, it is.
This'll be fun.
Let's all huddle around.
Let's all-- let's all sit in our own chairs.
"Oh, deciduous tree," the winter again approaches and with each day "your quietus encroaches.
" Oh yeah, you want to get stu'd? Oh, I want that goo from Stu.
"With a touch of frost, your leaves, they fall "to the ground.
I hear their call.
" - Oh, you want me to twist that nip? - Ow! - You want me to twist it? - Ow! "But summer, she is short.
" Yeah, my nipple's been bad.
"And autumn" Dorothy? "returns anew.
" "And your leaves, which once were plenty, - are once again" "Just few.
" - Oh, I'm gonna leave my mark.
- Oh God.
Mark of the beast, mark of the beast.
- Okay, this is awkward.
- Tim, please don't interrupt the reading.
You're mad at me, but you're not mad at the crazy screwing going on? Please mind your manners.
Your use of the word "screwing" in mixed company is in extremely poor taste.
My apologies, Dorothy.
- You know what? I'm gonna go back to my room.
- You're sleeping on the floor.
- That's where I sleep.
- And for everyone's information, there are lavatories on every floor.
I'm not gonna piss in the hall, if that's what you're worried about.
Thank you.
Oh God.
Oh God.
Hey, what can I do you for? Hey, I'm Tim.
That's-- that's great, man.
That's really great.
Do you want to eat food or do you want to just introduce yourself in every restaurant in the neighborhood? I just want to get some breakfast and maybe a souvenir for my girlfriend.
Oh, just on a-- on a little vacation, huh? Where are you staying? Oh yeah, we're staying at that Maplewood falls place.
- Oh, you're staying at the Maplewood falls lodge? - It's pretty nice.
You gotta get out of there.
Those people are messed up.
- Messed up? - They have repeatedly been accused - of ting their guests having sex.
- Shut up.
- No, seriously.
- No way.
People all over Vermont masturbate to these tapes.
- What? - Every third person, I think.
It's the highest distributorship in Vermont porn.
How would they even do that? Well, they just put them on the Internet and you order them.
No, how do they-- that's ridic-- You mail order your porn off the Internet here in Vermont.
Don't make fun of how we consume pornography in Vermont.
It's not small time.
It's not quaint.
I just can't picture them taping people.
They have cameras in the walls behind the paintings.
Check for yourself.
It's like a Scooby-Doo cartoon.
Oh, but listen to me carrying on.
How do you want your eggs-- runny or wet? All right, here goes nothin'.
You sick, foliage-loving sons of bitches.
- Stu? What are you doing back here? - Oh, I just ran back.
I had to use the bathroom.
I didn't want to pull a Tim.
- Smart.
Smart play.
- Yeah.
- Listen.
- Oh, what's up? These innkeepers-- they're perverts.
They film their guests having sex.
How do you know that? - A guy named Rick at the diner - Okay.
- said it.
- All right, the story stands up.
And he said it's on Yelp.
And then I found holes in the walls.
They-- they got holes in the walls.
So what do you-- so what do you care? - They're taping it.
- So? - They got you and Gladys on tape.
- Great.
- Me having killer sex on the Internet? - Oh my God.
Absolutely.
I fit that woman's hand in my mouth.
You don't care if anyone sees that? No.
What are you worried about anyway? It's not like you and Amy are doing anything.
- Well - What does that mean? I can't even remember.
I might have masturbated to a foliage tourism video hosted by Susan Saint James.
- You might not remember exactly? - I can't even remember.
I think you remember very clearly, Tim.
Oh man.
Anyway, listen, we gotta get the tapes-- me and you.
I'm already having sex this weekend, so I have literally nothing to gain.
- You're not gonna help me? - Absolutely not.
You do what you want.
I'm gonna get the videos.
All right, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and pull a Tim.
Enough with the "pulling a Tim" already.
All right, let's find these videos.
This is ridiculous.
Can I help you, Tim? I've got a bad feeling Judd's over my shoulder.
Oh my God, what's everyone doing back? Well, it would seem that it started to rain, so we had to cut the tour short.
Now could you please tell us what you were doing here? Just crouching, going through your things.
Good heavens, you're not urinating again? You know what? I've got no choice here.
It's all out in the open.
Amy, guys, this is a family of pornographers.
They tape their guests having sex.
Why would you say such a thing? That's crazy.
- Dorothy, don't act so innocent.
- What? She's been coming onto me all weekend with double entendres.
What in heaven's name are you talking about? Are you gonna make me say it out loud? She asked me to taste her peach cobbler.
How fucking sick is that? - What? - So? What-- what did you think I meant? Yes, what did you think she meant by peach cobbler? Pussy? - Whoa.
- Pussy? - Oh my God.
- I'm gonna make believe I didn't hear that.
I'm confused.
You're not filming your guests? Absolutely not.
The waiter at the diner said it's well-documented.
Oh, I see the confusion.
He meant the Maplewood falls motel.
Those people are messed up.
Everyone knows it.
Mo-- motel? This isn't the motel? Tim, this is not the motel.
This is the lodge.
Whoops.
But what about the holes in the wall? There's holes in the walls.
- Sicko.
- The wood in these walls is antique unfinished maple from trees chopped by Thomas Chittenden himself.
Thomas Chittenden fucked me.
Those holes are from the natural knots in the wood.
They're not for making pornos.
You know what? Now that we're all chuckling and getting along so well I've already been banned.
How much worse can it get, right? I'll tell you how much worse it can get.
We can ask you to leave.
And yes, that is both literal and a play on the word "leaf.
" You've still got it, Judd.
I bet a nickel I could tell you if it was heads or tails I'm not gonna worry wrinkles in my brow 'cause nothing's ever gonna be all right nohow no matter how I struggle and strive I'll never get out of this world alive.