The Muppet Show (1976) s03e08 Episode Script
Loretta Lynn
Loretta Lynn? Loretta Lynn? 1 5 seconds to curtain, Miss Lynn.
Kermit said you'd meet me here at the train station.
Here I am.
- Terrific.
Where's the theater? Oh, uh, bad news, Loretta.
- What? We can't use the Muppet theater tonight.
Well, what are we going to use then? Platform two.
It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Loretta Lynn.
Music.
OK, let's got this way, put this over here.
This way.
Can I see your ticket? - Huh? Hey, you know who's conducting? The conductor.
# It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights # It's time to meet the Muppets on the railroad track tonight # It's time to make up scenery # Let's hope we do it right # It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational # This week's sort of railroad-stational # This is what we call The Muppet Show # This is gonna be terrific, Kermit.
Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
Our very special guest star tonight is the most awarded lady in country music, Miss Loretta Lynn.
But first I think I owe you an explanation about tonight's show.
You see, the regular Muppet theater is being fumigated and we had to find another place to do the show.
The only place we could find was - Psst.
Psst.
Kermit.
Kermit.
What is it, Gonzo? - Better hurry.
There's one coming now.
The only other place we could find was this deserted or nearly deserted train station.
Oh, it's Loretta Lynn.
Is it really true we're doing the show from the station here? Well, uh, Loretta, that is a very difficult question.
And, uh, the, uh The, uh Well, the answer is yes.
Well, don't worry about it 'cause us country singers can sing anywhere.
Oh.
Wonderful.
OK, ladies and gentlemen, here she is.
The most talented and cooperative of guest stars, Miss Loretta Lynn.
# Well, I like my lovin' done country style # And this little girl would walk a country mile # To find her a good old slow-talking country boy # I said a country boy # I'm about as old-fashioned as I can be # So, I hope you're liking what you see # 'Cause if you're lookin' at me # You're looking at country # You don't see no city when you look at me # 'Cause country's all I am # I love running barefooted through the old corn fields # And I love that country ham # Well, you say I'm a maid just to fit your plans # But there's a barnyard shovel fit your hands # If your eyes are on me # You're looking at country Oh, let's hear it now, boys.
# Well, this here country is a little green # But there's a whole lot of country that you ain't seen # I'll show you around if you show me a wedding band # I said a wedding band # When it comes to love, well, I know about that # Country folks all know where it's at - # If you're looking at me - Yeah, tell 'em.
# You're looking at country # Well, you say I'm a maid just to fit your plans # But there's a barnyard shovel fit your hands # If your eyes are on me # You're looking at country - # If your eyes are on me - # Ah-hah! # You're looking at country # I bought a round trip ticket.
- To where? To here, stupid.
OK, all right.
Nice number, you guys.
Let's see.
What's next? Tap dancers on stage please.
Abe, Bernie, get out there, you guys.
Will you guys be quiet please? Where are you going? You got my coffee cup there.
This is never going to work.
Gonzo! - Yes, Kermit? I should never have let you talk me into doing this show from a railroad depot.
But it was the only place available.
They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.
Anyway, the show's going great.
It's not just the show.
It's backstage here.
I can't use this place here as an office.
It's not so bad.
I mean, so a train goes by once in a while.
Who notices? Gonzo.
Thank you.
I'll find you a quieter place.
# All alone # I'm so all alone Oh, train on track one! - Track one! I heard him.
- Come on, Mommy.
We'll miss the train.
I'm performing.
Do you mind? # All alone # By the telephone Track two.
Track two, everybody.
Tracking two.
- It's on the other platform.
We're gonna miss it.
- Track two, track two.
Will you get Hold it! Thank you.
Hi-ya! Forget it.
It's too late now.
Here is a Muppet news flash.
Excuse me.
How much is a Pig News? Will you get out of here? Oh, oh.
Deliveries of letters and parcels may be delayed as a result of a strike by mailbag handlers due to take effect immediately.
However, delivery of air mail will continue as normal.
This is a terrific place for you, Kermit.
You can keep an eye on the whole show from up here.
At least it's a lot quieter than the baggage room.
Nobody will bother you here.
This car is out of service.
You're sure about that? - Trust me.
All aboard.
Gonzo.
- I better check the timetable.
It's too late for that.
Scooter? Scooter? - Boss! Where you going? I don't know.
- Pittsburgh.
Scooter, take over for me.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
This is terrible.
I'll say.
We have to change trains in Altoona.
Gonzo! OK, boss, you can trust me.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, our own favorite funny furry man Scooter! Scooter! Please don't introduce me.
I don't have an act ready.
It's all right.
Tell them the joke you told me.
The one about the electricians and the polar bear.
You liked the one about the electricians and the polar bear? It's a masterpiece.
I laughed for days.
Introduce me.
Ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear! Hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya.
Did you hear about the electricians and the polar bear? First of all "No, but the wallpaper tasted terrific," he said.
The polar bear said that.
He didn't The electrician Oh, I'm so lonely.
Well, here's the train depot, Fred.
Well, let's find the cattle car and get some sleep.
You know, for a teenager, you're very mature.
Well, I've been shaving for over a year now.
Oh, really? Mm-hmm.
I cut myself both times.
You ever seen people dancing in a train station? People, yes.
Pigs, never.
Uh, who's the most humorless man in the whole world? Oh, let's see.
Humorless man Uh, I give up.
Who? You are, fathead.
I don't get it.
These folks are dancing and telling jokes.
Well they're dancing.
Ow! Ow! What is it? - Ow! My feet are killing me.
Oh! Ow! Ow! Gee, I wonder where Kermit and Gonzo are.
I hope they're all right.
Yeah.
Uh, this is ridiculous, Gonzo.
But at least we found a stupid handcar.
Kermit, relax with it.
I mean, it's fun.
Doesn't this take you back to the age of railroading? I just want it to take me back to the station.
Ah, the romance of it all.
# Gonna take a sentimental journey I don't believe this.
He's gonna sing? # Gonna make a sentimental journey # To renew old memories Forget about renewing your memories.
Worry about renewing your contract.
# I've got my bag I've got my reservation We're gonna have sprained backs by the time this is over.
# Like a child in wild anticipation # Long to hear that "all aboard" - # Seven - # Seven # That's the time we leave, at seven # At seven # I'll be waiting up for heaven Take it.
# Counting every mile of railroad track Ooh, I'm sorry.
Big finish.
# Never thought my heart could be so yearning # Why did I decide to roam? # Gonna take a sentimental journey # Sentimental journey home # Come on, Gonzo, move this thing.
- All right.
OK.
Here we go.
Faster.
Well, Kermit, did you like the song? We gotta get there.
Go, go, Gonzo.
- Hurry! We're almost there.
- Faster! Say, how's the show going? Oh, pretty good, but I wish Kermit was here.
What's the next act? Winky Pinkerton.
He does bird impressions.
Cluck.
Tweet tweet.
Cock-a-doodle-do.
Good luck.
- Break a beak.
Say, I'm just thrilled to pieces you're doing this big TV show here in our train depot.
Yeah, well, we like it too.
Say, tell me something, though.
Where's Loretta Lynn? Oh, she's here in her dressing room.
Oh, hi, guys.
- Hi.
Say, how come you put a big star like Loretta Lynn in a broom closet? 'Cause the boiler room was full of pigs.
Oh, I don't mind.
I'm just relaxing and singing some old songs.
Remember this one? # Everybody's going out and having fun # I'm just a fool for staying home and having none # I can't get over the way he set me free # Oh, lonesome me # A bad mistake I'm making by just hanging around # I know that I should have some fun and paint the town # A lovesick fool that's blind and just can't see # Oh, lonesome me # I'll bet she's not like me # She's out and fancy free # Flirting with the boys with all her charm # But I still love her so # And brother, don't you know # I'd welcome her right back here in my arms # There must be some way I can lose these lonesome blues # Lonesome blues # Forget about the past and find somebody new # Somebody new # I've thought of everything from A to Z # Oh, lonesome me # Oh, lonesome me # Ohhhhh # Lonesome me # Arriving now on track two, Veterinarian's Hospital.
The continuing story of a quack that's gone to the dogs Here's your next patient, Dr.
Bob.
He's a conductor.
Well, he's not getting any symphony from me.
You mean sympathy.
- He's not getting any of that either.
Dr.
Bob, he's a train conductor.
Well, I will not operate on anyone who works for the railroad.
Why not? - I've got a very poor track record.
Hey, what's the matter with him? - I don't know.
He keeps saying the same thing over and over.
All aboard.
See what I mean? Dr.
Bob, that's all he ever says.
Well, he must have a one track mind.
That's your second track joke, Dr.
Bob.
So what? Who keeps track? That's three.
- It's too late to change.
You can't teach an old dog new tracks.
Well, three and a half.
All aboard! - Whoa.
Dr.
Bob, he's worked too long on the railroad.
It's affected his mind.
Yes.
The strain on his brain stays mainly on the train.
Oh, Dr.
Bob, I think you've got it.
All aboard! - Oh! And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr.
Bob say: I think he's got railroad sneeze.
What's railroad sneeze? Ah-choo choo! You know, this place is cleaner than the theater.
True.
Seats are more comfortable too.
If only the entertainment lives down to my expectations.
Hey, Kermit? - What? I don't want to talk about it, Gonzo.
But, but, but Kermit Just keep pumping.
We got to get up to the train station.
But Kermit, it's important.
- OK, Gonzo.
What is it? Well, there's a light up ahead.
Good.
Maybe that's the train station.
No.
That's a train.
What? Train? Back the other way, Gonzo.
Quick! Back! Pump! Pump! Pump! - I'm trying.
He's gaining on us.
Hurry up.
- Faster! Faster! He's gaining on us.
Faster! Here is a Muppet news flash.
Excuse me.
Do you sell any chocolate bars? No.
How about jelly piglets? Will you get out of here.
Three escaped chickens broke into the railroad telegraph office today and the chickens began pecking away at the Morse key.
They were later recaptured, but not before they had declared war on Abyssinia.
Have you heard anything from Kermit? - No, not yet.
Oh, no.
The next thing on the show is the rhyming song.
The rhyming song? - Yeah.
But we're not ready for the rhyming song.
I know we're not ready.
What's on now? - Nothing.
OK, everybody.
The rhyming song.
But I can't remember it.
Oh, yeah, sure.
- Do you know it? Stand by for the rhyming song.
No, Scooter, it's me first.
Me, me.
Coming through.
# Let's all sing the rhyming song # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # Let's take turns and rhyme together # The rhyming song # I was hungry, now I'm not # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # 'Cause I ate some beans and grapes # The rhyming song # Let's all sing the rhyming song # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # Let's take turns and rhyme together # The rhyming song # I left my knees in your car # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # My laundry's ready at half past nine # The rhyming song # Let's all sing the rhyming song # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # Let's take turns and rhyme together # The rhyming song Sing.
# Stars are twinkling in the sky # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # There's no hot water in my hotel # The rhyming song # This is not the rhyming song # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # I know it's not the rhyming song # The rhyming song Oh, brother.
- # What do we do now? - # I don't know # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # Let's all jump up and down and wave our arms # And get off the stage # The rhyming song, the rhyming song, the rhyming song Get the phone, Scooter.
The rhyming song, huh? They're really getting desperate.
Mmm.
Desperation's a good sign.
Soon they may panic and run away.
Yeah.
Yeah, Kermit.
What? Hit by a train? Well, uh, at least it's a different way to spend the day.
I'm glad you're OK at least.
Excuse me, Scooter.
- Hold on, Kermit.
Yeah, Loretta? I don't see how we're gonna be able to do this last number.
Why? - It needs a lot of scenery.
We got the scenery.
It's just a little different.
How's that? - Fozzie painted it.
OK, come on, move it in.
That's it.
And bring down the clothesline, guys, too.
That's it.
All the way down.
No.
Hold it.
No, up, up.
But not too far.
That's it.
Perfect.
OK, Loretta, good luck.
Watch out, the paint's still wet.
OK, then, I'm ready for my next number.
Great.
OK, chief, I'm ready to introduce Loretta.
Well, of course I'll do a good job.
Don't worry.
You tell me what to say and I'll say it, all right? Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Loretta Lynn.
Boy, chief, you got a way with words.
# They say to have her hair done # Liz flies all the way to France # And Jackie's seen in a discotheque # Doing a brand new dance # And the White House social season # Should be glittering and gay # But here in Topeka the rain is a-fallin' # The faucet is a-drippin' and the kids are bawling # One of them is talkin' and one is crawlin' # One's on the way Oh, baby, oh, baby.
# I'm glad that Raquel Welch # Just signed a million dollar pact # And Debbie's out in Vegas # Working up a brand new act # And the TV's showing newlyweds # A real fine game to play # But here in Topeka the screen door's a-banging # Coffee's boiling over and the wash needs a-hangin' # One wants a cookie and one wants a-changing # One's on the way # What was I doing? Jimmy, get away from that # Darn, there goes the phone What's that you say? You're bringing a few army buddies home? You're coming from the bar? Get away from that.
One minute.
I gotta get the doorbell.
Honey, could you stop at the market? # The girls in New York City # They all march for women's lib # Better Homes and Gardens shows # The modern way to live # You may change your world tomorrow # But meanwhile today # Here in Topeka the flies are a-buzzin' # The dog is a-barkin' and the floor needs a-scrubbin' # One needs a-spanking And one needs a-hugging # One's on the way # One's on the way # One's on the way # Oh, gee, I hope it ain't twins again.
Well, folks I'm sorry Kermit's not here now.
- Oh, OK, OK, OK, I'm here, I'm here.
Are you all right? I'm as right as I can be after being nearly hit by a train and falling into a ditch and slogged through a swamp and run for two miles.
You forgot about the dogs.
Yes, yes, we were also chased by angry dogs.
You always leave out the best parts.
Anyhow, Scooter, where are we? What happens next? Oh, nothing.
You got here just in time for the end.
Well, so much for the railroad station show.
It's been weird, but tonight did have one big advantage and here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Loretta Lynn.
Yeah! Thank you, Kermit.
Are you all right? Yeah, thank you.
I want you to know I really had a great time on your show.
Oh, that's good but we better get out of here before a train comes.
Take your time, Kermit.
- Why? No more trains tonight.
I put up a sign that will keep them away.
Well, what does the sign say? Airport.
Gonzo! Oh, trains don't go to airports.
- I know, but We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
No wonder this sounds bad.
We're playing a timetable.
Well, what did you think? Well, a bit shaky.
Kermit said you'd meet me here at the train station.
Here I am.
- Terrific.
Where's the theater? Oh, uh, bad news, Loretta.
- What? We can't use the Muppet theater tonight.
Well, what are we going to use then? Platform two.
It's The Muppet Show with our very special guest star, Miss Loretta Lynn.
Music.
OK, let's got this way, put this over here.
This way.
Can I see your ticket? - Huh? Hey, you know who's conducting? The conductor.
# It's time to play the music It's time to light the lights # It's time to meet the Muppets on the railroad track tonight # It's time to make up scenery # Let's hope we do it right # It's time to get things started # On the most sensational, inspirational # This week's sort of railroad-stational # This is what we call The Muppet Show # This is gonna be terrific, Kermit.
Thank you, thank you, thank you and welcome again to The Muppet Show.
Our very special guest star tonight is the most awarded lady in country music, Miss Loretta Lynn.
But first I think I owe you an explanation about tonight's show.
You see, the regular Muppet theater is being fumigated and we had to find another place to do the show.
The only place we could find was - Psst.
Psst.
Kermit.
Kermit.
What is it, Gonzo? - Better hurry.
There's one coming now.
The only other place we could find was this deserted or nearly deserted train station.
Oh, it's Loretta Lynn.
Is it really true we're doing the show from the station here? Well, uh, Loretta, that is a very difficult question.
And, uh, the, uh The, uh Well, the answer is yes.
Well, don't worry about it 'cause us country singers can sing anywhere.
Oh.
Wonderful.
OK, ladies and gentlemen, here she is.
The most talented and cooperative of guest stars, Miss Loretta Lynn.
# Well, I like my lovin' done country style # And this little girl would walk a country mile # To find her a good old slow-talking country boy # I said a country boy # I'm about as old-fashioned as I can be # So, I hope you're liking what you see # 'Cause if you're lookin' at me # You're looking at country # You don't see no city when you look at me # 'Cause country's all I am # I love running barefooted through the old corn fields # And I love that country ham # Well, you say I'm a maid just to fit your plans # But there's a barnyard shovel fit your hands # If your eyes are on me # You're looking at country Oh, let's hear it now, boys.
# Well, this here country is a little green # But there's a whole lot of country that you ain't seen # I'll show you around if you show me a wedding band # I said a wedding band # When it comes to love, well, I know about that # Country folks all know where it's at - # If you're looking at me - Yeah, tell 'em.
# You're looking at country # Well, you say I'm a maid just to fit your plans # But there's a barnyard shovel fit your hands # If your eyes are on me # You're looking at country - # If your eyes are on me - # Ah-hah! # You're looking at country # I bought a round trip ticket.
- To where? To here, stupid.
OK, all right.
Nice number, you guys.
Let's see.
What's next? Tap dancers on stage please.
Abe, Bernie, get out there, you guys.
Will you guys be quiet please? Where are you going? You got my coffee cup there.
This is never going to work.
Gonzo! - Yes, Kermit? I should never have let you talk me into doing this show from a railroad depot.
But it was the only place available.
They were having a tournament at the bowling alley.
Anyway, the show's going great.
It's not just the show.
It's backstage here.
I can't use this place here as an office.
It's not so bad.
I mean, so a train goes by once in a while.
Who notices? Gonzo.
Thank you.
I'll find you a quieter place.
# All alone # I'm so all alone Oh, train on track one! - Track one! I heard him.
- Come on, Mommy.
We'll miss the train.
I'm performing.
Do you mind? # All alone # By the telephone Track two.
Track two, everybody.
Tracking two.
- It's on the other platform.
We're gonna miss it.
- Track two, track two.
Will you get Hold it! Thank you.
Hi-ya! Forget it.
It's too late now.
Here is a Muppet news flash.
Excuse me.
How much is a Pig News? Will you get out of here? Oh, oh.
Deliveries of letters and parcels may be delayed as a result of a strike by mailbag handlers due to take effect immediately.
However, delivery of air mail will continue as normal.
This is a terrific place for you, Kermit.
You can keep an eye on the whole show from up here.
At least it's a lot quieter than the baggage room.
Nobody will bother you here.
This car is out of service.
You're sure about that? - Trust me.
All aboard.
Gonzo.
- I better check the timetable.
It's too late for that.
Scooter? Scooter? - Boss! Where you going? I don't know.
- Pittsburgh.
Scooter, take over for me.
I'll be back as soon as I can.
This is terrible.
I'll say.
We have to change trains in Altoona.
Gonzo! OK, boss, you can trust me.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, here he is, our own favorite funny furry man Scooter! Scooter! Please don't introduce me.
I don't have an act ready.
It's all right.
Tell them the joke you told me.
The one about the electricians and the polar bear.
You liked the one about the electricians and the polar bear? It's a masterpiece.
I laughed for days.
Introduce me.
Ladies and gentlemen, Fozzie Bear! Hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya, hey-ya.
Did you hear about the electricians and the polar bear? First of all "No, but the wallpaper tasted terrific," he said.
The polar bear said that.
He didn't The electrician Oh, I'm so lonely.
Well, here's the train depot, Fred.
Well, let's find the cattle car and get some sleep.
You know, for a teenager, you're very mature.
Well, I've been shaving for over a year now.
Oh, really? Mm-hmm.
I cut myself both times.
You ever seen people dancing in a train station? People, yes.
Pigs, never.
Uh, who's the most humorless man in the whole world? Oh, let's see.
Humorless man Uh, I give up.
Who? You are, fathead.
I don't get it.
These folks are dancing and telling jokes.
Well they're dancing.
Ow! Ow! What is it? - Ow! My feet are killing me.
Oh! Ow! Ow! Gee, I wonder where Kermit and Gonzo are.
I hope they're all right.
Yeah.
Uh, this is ridiculous, Gonzo.
But at least we found a stupid handcar.
Kermit, relax with it.
I mean, it's fun.
Doesn't this take you back to the age of railroading? I just want it to take me back to the station.
Ah, the romance of it all.
# Gonna take a sentimental journey I don't believe this.
He's gonna sing? # Gonna make a sentimental journey # To renew old memories Forget about renewing your memories.
Worry about renewing your contract.
# I've got my bag I've got my reservation We're gonna have sprained backs by the time this is over.
# Like a child in wild anticipation # Long to hear that "all aboard" - # Seven - # Seven # That's the time we leave, at seven # At seven # I'll be waiting up for heaven Take it.
# Counting every mile of railroad track Ooh, I'm sorry.
Big finish.
# Never thought my heart could be so yearning # Why did I decide to roam? # Gonna take a sentimental journey # Sentimental journey home # Come on, Gonzo, move this thing.
- All right.
OK.
Here we go.
Faster.
Well, Kermit, did you like the song? We gotta get there.
Go, go, Gonzo.
- Hurry! We're almost there.
- Faster! Say, how's the show going? Oh, pretty good, but I wish Kermit was here.
What's the next act? Winky Pinkerton.
He does bird impressions.
Cluck.
Tweet tweet.
Cock-a-doodle-do.
Good luck.
- Break a beak.
Say, I'm just thrilled to pieces you're doing this big TV show here in our train depot.
Yeah, well, we like it too.
Say, tell me something, though.
Where's Loretta Lynn? Oh, she's here in her dressing room.
Oh, hi, guys.
- Hi.
Say, how come you put a big star like Loretta Lynn in a broom closet? 'Cause the boiler room was full of pigs.
Oh, I don't mind.
I'm just relaxing and singing some old songs.
Remember this one? # Everybody's going out and having fun # I'm just a fool for staying home and having none # I can't get over the way he set me free # Oh, lonesome me # A bad mistake I'm making by just hanging around # I know that I should have some fun and paint the town # A lovesick fool that's blind and just can't see # Oh, lonesome me # I'll bet she's not like me # She's out and fancy free # Flirting with the boys with all her charm # But I still love her so # And brother, don't you know # I'd welcome her right back here in my arms # There must be some way I can lose these lonesome blues # Lonesome blues # Forget about the past and find somebody new # Somebody new # I've thought of everything from A to Z # Oh, lonesome me # Oh, lonesome me # Ohhhhh # Lonesome me # Arriving now on track two, Veterinarian's Hospital.
The continuing story of a quack that's gone to the dogs Here's your next patient, Dr.
Bob.
He's a conductor.
Well, he's not getting any symphony from me.
You mean sympathy.
- He's not getting any of that either.
Dr.
Bob, he's a train conductor.
Well, I will not operate on anyone who works for the railroad.
Why not? - I've got a very poor track record.
Hey, what's the matter with him? - I don't know.
He keeps saying the same thing over and over.
All aboard.
See what I mean? Dr.
Bob, that's all he ever says.
Well, he must have a one track mind.
That's your second track joke, Dr.
Bob.
So what? Who keeps track? That's three.
- It's too late to change.
You can't teach an old dog new tracks.
Well, three and a half.
All aboard! - Whoa.
Dr.
Bob, he's worked too long on the railroad.
It's affected his mind.
Yes.
The strain on his brain stays mainly on the train.
Oh, Dr.
Bob, I think you've got it.
All aboard! - Oh! And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian's Hospital.
Tune in next week when you'll hear Dr.
Bob say: I think he's got railroad sneeze.
What's railroad sneeze? Ah-choo choo! You know, this place is cleaner than the theater.
True.
Seats are more comfortable too.
If only the entertainment lives down to my expectations.
Hey, Kermit? - What? I don't want to talk about it, Gonzo.
But, but, but Kermit Just keep pumping.
We got to get up to the train station.
But Kermit, it's important.
- OK, Gonzo.
What is it? Well, there's a light up ahead.
Good.
Maybe that's the train station.
No.
That's a train.
What? Train? Back the other way, Gonzo.
Quick! Back! Pump! Pump! Pump! - I'm trying.
He's gaining on us.
Hurry up.
- Faster! Faster! He's gaining on us.
Faster! Here is a Muppet news flash.
Excuse me.
Do you sell any chocolate bars? No.
How about jelly piglets? Will you get out of here.
Three escaped chickens broke into the railroad telegraph office today and the chickens began pecking away at the Morse key.
They were later recaptured, but not before they had declared war on Abyssinia.
Have you heard anything from Kermit? - No, not yet.
Oh, no.
The next thing on the show is the rhyming song.
The rhyming song? - Yeah.
But we're not ready for the rhyming song.
I know we're not ready.
What's on now? - Nothing.
OK, everybody.
The rhyming song.
But I can't remember it.
Oh, yeah, sure.
- Do you know it? Stand by for the rhyming song.
No, Scooter, it's me first.
Me, me.
Coming through.
# Let's all sing the rhyming song # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # Let's take turns and rhyme together # The rhyming song # I was hungry, now I'm not # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # 'Cause I ate some beans and grapes # The rhyming song # Let's all sing the rhyming song # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # Let's take turns and rhyme together # The rhyming song # I left my knees in your car # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # My laundry's ready at half past nine # The rhyming song # Let's all sing the rhyming song # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # Let's take turns and rhyme together # The rhyming song Sing.
# Stars are twinkling in the sky # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # There's no hot water in my hotel # The rhyming song # This is not the rhyming song # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # I know it's not the rhyming song # The rhyming song Oh, brother.
- # What do we do now? - # I don't know # The rhyming song, the rhyming song # Let's all jump up and down and wave our arms # And get off the stage # The rhyming song, the rhyming song, the rhyming song Get the phone, Scooter.
The rhyming song, huh? They're really getting desperate.
Mmm.
Desperation's a good sign.
Soon they may panic and run away.
Yeah.
Yeah, Kermit.
What? Hit by a train? Well, uh, at least it's a different way to spend the day.
I'm glad you're OK at least.
Excuse me, Scooter.
- Hold on, Kermit.
Yeah, Loretta? I don't see how we're gonna be able to do this last number.
Why? - It needs a lot of scenery.
We got the scenery.
It's just a little different.
How's that? - Fozzie painted it.
OK, come on, move it in.
That's it.
And bring down the clothesline, guys, too.
That's it.
All the way down.
No.
Hold it.
No, up, up.
But not too far.
That's it.
Perfect.
OK, Loretta, good luck.
Watch out, the paint's still wet.
OK, then, I'm ready for my next number.
Great.
OK, chief, I'm ready to introduce Loretta.
Well, of course I'll do a good job.
Don't worry.
You tell me what to say and I'll say it, all right? Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Loretta Lynn.
Boy, chief, you got a way with words.
# They say to have her hair done # Liz flies all the way to France # And Jackie's seen in a discotheque # Doing a brand new dance # And the White House social season # Should be glittering and gay # But here in Topeka the rain is a-fallin' # The faucet is a-drippin' and the kids are bawling # One of them is talkin' and one is crawlin' # One's on the way Oh, baby, oh, baby.
# I'm glad that Raquel Welch # Just signed a million dollar pact # And Debbie's out in Vegas # Working up a brand new act # And the TV's showing newlyweds # A real fine game to play # But here in Topeka the screen door's a-banging # Coffee's boiling over and the wash needs a-hangin' # One wants a cookie and one wants a-changing # One's on the way # What was I doing? Jimmy, get away from that # Darn, there goes the phone What's that you say? You're bringing a few army buddies home? You're coming from the bar? Get away from that.
One minute.
I gotta get the doorbell.
Honey, could you stop at the market? # The girls in New York City # They all march for women's lib # Better Homes and Gardens shows # The modern way to live # You may change your world tomorrow # But meanwhile today # Here in Topeka the flies are a-buzzin' # The dog is a-barkin' and the floor needs a-scrubbin' # One needs a-spanking And one needs a-hugging # One's on the way # One's on the way # One's on the way # Oh, gee, I hope it ain't twins again.
Well, folks I'm sorry Kermit's not here now.
- Oh, OK, OK, OK, I'm here, I'm here.
Are you all right? I'm as right as I can be after being nearly hit by a train and falling into a ditch and slogged through a swamp and run for two miles.
You forgot about the dogs.
Yes, yes, we were also chased by angry dogs.
You always leave out the best parts.
Anyhow, Scooter, where are we? What happens next? Oh, nothing.
You got here just in time for the end.
Well, so much for the railroad station show.
It's been weird, but tonight did have one big advantage and here she is, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Loretta Lynn.
Yeah! Thank you, Kermit.
Are you all right? Yeah, thank you.
I want you to know I really had a great time on your show.
Oh, that's good but we better get out of here before a train comes.
Take your time, Kermit.
- Why? No more trains tonight.
I put up a sign that will keep them away.
Well, what does the sign say? Airport.
Gonzo! Oh, trains don't go to airports.
- I know, but We'll see you next time on The Muppet Show.
No wonder this sounds bad.
We're playing a timetable.
Well, what did you think? Well, a bit shaky.