The Nanny s03e08 Episode Script

Maxwell, I cannot tell you how excited I am about our little weekend getaway to Boston.
It's a business trip, C.
C.
Of course I know that.
Work, work, work.
In fact, right now I'm off to get a wax.
I mean, fax.
Don't worry, sir.
You'll be right near Salem.
They know how to take care of her kind there.
Niles, you don't think C.
C.
wants to go to Boston to, you know Shout, "The British are coming?" Oh, no, sir.
No.
As a matter of fact, just before you came in, she was saying what a shame it is the children can't go with you.
- Oh, really? - Hmm.
Well, I suppose it would be educational for them.
Oh, but the hotel only has two rooms.
Do you think she would mind sharing with the girls? Mind? How many times have we heard her say, "I don't care who I sleep with"? I'm never gonna meet anybody.
I'm never gonna fulfill my dream of buying double burial plots.
- That's your dream, Val? - Mmm-hmm.
That's my dream, too.
No wonder we're best friends.
Fran? Yeah? You think we're being too particular? I mean, maybe maybe we should lower our standards.
Lower our standards? Val, we're already down to mammal.
All I want is a nice, cute guy with a couple of bucks.
What? Have you ever seen Harold and Maude? Oh, forget it.
Once you've seen a guy in his Batman pajamas, there's just no mystery left.
Oh, Fran, what are we gonna do? I'll tell you what we're gonna do.
We're gonna have our own singles party.
We'll charge 20 bucks a head.
With all the losers we know, we'll make a fortune.
You know, I've got just the perfect place to do it, the back room of Benny's Clam Bar.
It's so dark and depressing there.
Val, how old do I look? I don't know.
I can't really tell.
Book it, Val.
Daddy, forget it.
Do you know how hard those concert tickets were to get? There's no way I'm missing Nine Inch Nails.
Nine-inch nails? Barbra's on tour again? No, Miss Fine.
Margaret would prefer to go to a concert with her friends than spend the weekend in Boston with her own family.
Oh, well, who wouldn't want to go to Boston? Dad, I'm 16 years old.
I can stay home and take care of myself.
Niles will be here to make me stuff, right? Sweetie, the reason why your father doesn't want you to stay home alone is because it makes him feel old.
What? I mean, you know, you're turning into a responsible young woman, and that makes him feel unneeded and useless.
That, the gray patch in his hair, waking up stiff in the morning Don't ask.
I've never felt better, and I'm certainly not afraid of growing old.
Margaret, the house is yours for the weekend.
Oh, thank you, Dad.
Fran, you're a goddess.
For your information, Miss Fine, when I awaken in the mornings, nothing is stiff.
I rest my case.
Oh, wow! Look how many guys RSVP'd for your party.
- Oh, this one sounds perfect for you.
- Oh? Oh, no, wait.
He says he's looking for a Catholic girl.
Great.
He's Jewish.
Niles, would you keep an eye on my bags? All right.
Just tell me when to stop.
Now.
Sorry.
So am I.
Can this day get any better? Oh, I guess it can.
I'll be spending the entire weekend alone with Maxwell in Boston.
I'm sorry.
But we have some lovely consolation prizes for you.
I am not sitting next to Gracie on the plane.
She always vomits.
All right.
She can sit next to Miss Babcock.
Maxwell, you're bringing the children on the trip? Yes, C.
C.
It was very sweet of you to think of them.
Niles told me it was all your idea.
Don't thank me.
Don't worry.
I won't throw up as long as I don't eat anything.
Well, in case you get peckish, I packed you a sandwich.
Egg salad.
It'll go lovely with your blazer.
Now remember, I'm trusting you to behave yourself.
No wild parties.
- All right, Dad.
Goodbye.
- Bye.
I'll miss you.
I love you.
I love you too.
You know, this is the first Oh, this is so cool.
I get the whole house to myself.
Do whatever I want, whenever I want.
Oh, Fran, now I know why you stay single.
Yeah, that's it.
Okay.
All right.
Oh, Fran, I got horrible news.
Oh, my hair guy couldn't take you this morning? Yes, he did.
Isn't he fabulous? Fran, you are not gonna believe this.
Benny's Clam Bar burnt down.
How? A fire! Oh, my God.
Oh, now wait a minute.
Don't panic.
Don't panic.
All we have to do is find a place that's really classy and free tonight that'll hold 100 guys and seven women.
Oh, oh, oh.
No, no, no, no.
Mr.
Sheffield said that we cannot have parties here.
We're never gonna meet anybody.
We're just gonna die alone.
Fran, actually Dad said that I couldn't have any parties tonight.
Well, in my spare time I like to do a little hunting.
Oh, well, maybe next time you go you could bag me a chocolate mousse.
Mooses aren't chocolate.
Oh, I know.
I was saying, you know, chocolate "mousse".
It's a have you met my friend Val? Oh, I love the way you move.
And I love the way you look.
Those heels are so sexy.
Oh, thank you.
Mind if I try them on? Have you met my friend Val? You know, you might not believe this, but this hair, it's all from a can.
Really? Gee, it looks so natural.
Have you met my friend Val? Val.
I love your hair.
And you hate to hunt.
What do you think of my shoes? Well, they look great on you.
Dip me.
Don't wait up.
You know, Fran, you're pretty sharp to throw a party like this.
Meet great people, you make a few bucks.
Hey, a few bucks, please.
I may quit my career as a super model.
Well, I think it's amazing that you show a profit, especially after all those business licenses you have to buy.
What business? It's a party.
Fran Oh, Jeff.
I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm a police officer.
And you're under arrest.
That was a pistol? Somebody's gonna have a hell of a mess to clean up.
Damn, it's me.
Well, thanks for taking me home and for letting me play with your siren.
My pleasure.
Oh, can I have my handcuffs? Thank you.
Handcuffs, Miss Fine? He was a cop.
I got arrested last night.
Really? I was a pirate.
I had to walk the plank.
I'm serious.
It was horrible.
I spent the night in jail.
Of course, I did meet a lovely girl named Sparkle Plenty.
She charges 20 bucks to come to her party, too.
Well, why didn't you call? Well, I did.
I guess somebody was too busy shivering his timber.
Oh, my God.
I spend the night over at Whitney's house, and you guys completely trash the place? I miss everything.
Oh, help me to clean up before my father gets home.
I mean, your father.
Oh, thank God he's not coming back until tomorrow.
Could you imagine the look on his face if he got a load of this Oh, oh, oh.
We've been robbed.
Can you imagine what kind of an animal would do something like this Save it, Miss Fine.
Grace got sick, so we took an earlier flight.
Niles, could you do something with Miss Babcock's blazer? Certainly, sir.
I specifically said no parties.
Mr.
Sheffield, let me explain.
I am very disappointed in you, Margaret.
- Margaret? - Margaret? Oh, no, Mr.
Sheffield.
This was my party.
Oh, nice try, Miss Fine.
But even the woman who put a bumper sticker on my limo reading "Honk if you're a hunk" wouldn't be stupid enough to throw a party in my absence.
Hey, hey, don't make a rush to judgment here.
You're dealing with one dumb gal.
Your devotion to the children is touching, Miss Fine, but don't be ridiculous.
If I thought for one moment you were responsible for all this, I'd have to fire you.
Fire me? Fran, stop trying to cover for me.
Dad, I had the party when Fran went out last night.
She had nothing to do with this.
- Maggie.
- Fran.
I did it.
No, I did this.
Oh, and I suppose you're the one that spilled the bottle of cream rinse on the Persian rug? No.
Oh, it must have been Niles.
Well, I certainly hope it was worth it, young lady.
You're grounded indefinitely.
Dad, the Nine Inch Nails concert is tonight.
Oh, Mr.
Sheffield, wait.
End of discussion, Miss Fine.
Maggie, are you out of your mind? Fran, I didn't want you to get fired.
I care more about you than I do any concert.
Oh, I love you.
And I kind of forgot it was tonight.
Oh, Niles, can you believe what a mensch that kid turned out to be? Hmm? Oh, I'm not gonna let her miss that concert to save my butt.
I don't care if he does fire me.
Oh, meanwhile, that bumper sticker wasn't the stupidest thing I ever did.
Miss Fine, what on earth possessed you? I specifically said no parties.
Well, technically, you told Maggie no parties.
Don't you start with the semantics.
Oh, so now you're gonna fire me because you're anti-semantic? - Miss Fine.
- Oh, all right.
But before you do anything rash, just remember I'm a fabulous nanny and a wonderful influence on the children.
Oh, I gotta go.
If a hooker named Sparkles calls, tell her that I'm in court.
Do you think this is cute enough for an arraignment? No? Niles, I'm beginning to think that hiring a door-to-door cosmetics salesgirl as a nanny was not my finest hour.
Although your skin has never looked more supple.
Niles, this is the woman who's raising my children.
Yes, and look what she's done to them.
Miss Grace's therapist is no longer on the speed dial.
Master Brighton has given up those insipid little blazers with the nautical emblems and the gold which look so good on you, sir.
Niles, Margaret is at a very impressionable age right now, and Miss Fine's behavior is hardly character-building.
That was certainly proven today.
What 16-year-old in her right mind would give up the concert of her life to save a friend? Niles, if I show Miss Fine leniency now, I'll have someone working for me who has absolutely no respect for my authority and never listens to a word I say.
Right? Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I checked out after I made my point.
The State v.
Fran Fine.
Yes? Miss Fine? Yes? Do you have your attorney present? Oh, my attorney present.
Oh, oh, you know what? I'm not gonna get him anything.
Let's see how he does first.
Is this a competency hearing? Meanwhile, what's the use in having a lawyer for an uncle if he's a no-show? Well, is he any good? Well, he worked for some pretty good law firms.
I mean, Freeburg, Freeman, and free for the family.
- He's strictly pro bono.
- Really? Well, I'm glad he's not representing me because I'm pro-Cher.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Will you hold it? I I object.
I object.
You object to what? To those electric doors in the men's room.
That's the elevator.
Use the stairs.
Can we get on with this, please? Yes, Your Honor.
My client has been unjustly accused, and I say that Which one is my client? Oh, it's me.
It's me, Uncle Manny.
Fran, Yetta's granddaughter.
Oh, Yetta's granddaughter.
Who's Yetta? I'm your great-niece.
I spoke to you last night.
I'm Sylvia Fine's daughter.
Oh, yeah.
The one that's not married.
That you remember? So, Your Honor, what what are the charges? Conducting business in a residential neighborhood without a franchise tax license, a city business license or a liquor license.
Wow.
You're gonna need a lawyer.
You're a lawyer.
Then you're in luck.
Sweetheart, isn't that skirt a little snug? Well, maybe just a little.
You hear that, Your Honor? The skirt is snug.
So if it doesn't fit, you must acquit.
That's my defense? Oh, I'm going to jail.
Do I get conjugal visits? Sure.
All right, put me down for six years.
What what am I saying? Uncle Manny, do something.
I'm sorry, Your Honor, I think the defense is resting.
Miss Fine, would you just like to plead? Yes, I would.
Oh, please, please, don't send me to jail.
Your Your Honor, permission to approach the bench? Come on down.
Mr.
Sheffield, what are you doing here? Your Honor, this this woman works for me.
The the party was held in my home.
And, well, I have never known her to knowingly break the law, well, except for free pay-per-view, but then everyone schmears the cable man.
Right? Why don't you just go sit down with the rest of the dream team? Mr.
Sheffield, the party was in your house? Then you are responsible for the party.
I am fining you $500.
And you are free to go.
And thank God, so am I.
Thank you, thank you.
I can tell you one thing, I'm not paying that fine.
Oh, you're gonna fight the system.
What a turn-on.
Nope.
You're paying it.
What a turnoff.
It's coming out of your salary.
Oh, my salary.
So does that mean you're not gonna fire me? No.
But since you acted like a bloody teenager, you're grounded.
Grounded? You know, I'm a grown woman.
Why don't you just put me over your knee and spank me? Oh, what do you know, we made it back to turn-on.
Don't move, I'm coming back with a surprise.
Sweetheart, you look fabulous in that dress.
Oh, thank you.
Can I try it on?