The New Adventures of Old Christine s03e08 Episode Script

okay, here we go.
Lost and found day.
All items left over 30 days will be disposed of.
All right, let's see what we won this month.
Blind grab, no peeking.
Oh, a fanny pack.
And for quite a fanny.
Okay, it's my turn.
Oh, I just love this.
This is like christmas without all the giving and the jesus.
What do we got? A flip-flop.
Great.
okay, let's see.
Hello, consumer electronics.
oh, my god! An ipod? You get an ipod, and I get a flip-flop? Sorry, I can't hear you.
I'm listening to my ipod.
You got to share that.
Okay, you take the bag.
What is this? is? Is this a marijuana? I think it is.
Will you look at that.
It's a tiny little thing.
Should we call the police? Give it to me.
I know how to get rid of it.
I'm going to light it on fire and inhale the smoke to destroy the evidence.
You are going to smoke reefer? Yeah.
Why not? It's just like a glass of wine.
Oh, barb, it is not.
When is the last time you ever heard of somebody getting addicted to wine? Talk to the guys who collect your recycling.
Look, I'm a grown woman.
If I want to recreate in the privacy of my own home, that's exactly what I'm going to do.
Well, I'm a grown woman.
Maybe I'll smoke it with you.
christine, you're not going to smoke it.
You know what? You come to my house tonight.
Ritchie's at a sleepover.
We'll spark this doobie up.
You know, you've always talked a big game, but when it comes right down to it, nothing's going to happen.
Oh, I'll smoke this thing right now.
Well, not right now, 'cause I'm at work, and I need to be alert when I order my lunch.
Okay, tonight, my crib.
We burn.
This is going to be the worst pot party ever.
okay, sweetheart, well, you have fun at henry'S.
And, lisn, remember, if you need to be picked up early, you call daddy, because I'm going to be at home, uh baking.
Okay, lovie? Okay, I love you, darling.
Have fun.
Bye.
- hello.
- Hello.
I am so excited.
I can't believe we're actually going to do this.
Okay, I got air freshener, I got eye drops, I got cheddar and sour cream potato chips.
Ooh, I got a dvd of the royal tennenbaums.
Everybody thought this was so funny.
I didn't get it.
What do you think is going to happen? We have a very small amount of marijuana here.
There's probably more thc in one of matthew's burps than in this thing.
Let me see it.
Richard, you can't just walk into somebody's house.
It's totally uncool, and I'm not cool with it.
Why are you talking like that? Why all the questions? What are you, a cop? What are you doing here? I'm looking for some blueprints.
I think they're here.
Are you a cop? No, I'm an architect.
I'm, uh, christine.
Yes, I-I know.
We've met.
We went on a date.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I know.
We went on a date.
Yes, I'm kidding.
Yeah, we had a great time.
I had diarrhea.
Well, i had a great time.
oh, um, have you met my friend, barb? Barb, this is, um, uh that's the guy that I went out on the date with.
You don't remember my name, do you? Yeah, of course I remember your name.
I remember we shared a meal or a movie together.
And then, barbie, it was so funny.
He had diarrhea.
Oh, I would shake your hand, but I don't want to.
Christine: Richard, get out.
What's going on here? Nothing's going on here.
I'm just not cool having you around, man.
All right, fonzie, we'll leave.
You lost a good one.
Uh, nice seeing you again, christine.
Yeah, nice to see you, too you.
Whoa, that was close.
Okay.
Oh, you know what? We can't do this in here.
Ritchie breathes this air.
Let's go out in the garage, okay? He never goes in there.
He saw a rake in there once.
He thought it was a mmy with a machine gun.
Man, two feet tall, and scared of rakes? Private school is the right place for him.
Where is it? Wait a minute.
What am I looking for? Oh, oh, wait I'm not shaking your hand, either.
a little bit messy, but there's an old futon here we can party on.
hey, barb, I need to tell you something.
I've never ud d fore.
You're kidding.
Then where'd you learn all the hip lingo? Tv.
Starsky and hutch, mostly.
A little baretta.
You know, they make new shows.
Uh, you know, wait.
I-I I don't think we should do this.
But you said you wanted to.
No, I know.
But now that we're actually doing it, I don't think it's the best idea.
I mean, what if somebody finds out? You know, richard and that guy were already suspicious.
I knew you weren't going to go through with it.
You did not.
I was going to go through with it, but, I mean, look.
There's oily rags all over the place in here.
It's like a molotov cocktail.
Oh, I have a good idea.
Let's have cocktails.
There's always some excuse.
What? What are you talking about? What am I talking about? Look.
Here's the kayak we were going to paddle around baja in.
There's the bikes we were going to ride across the continental divide on.
The chicken coops so we would never have to buy another supermarket egg.
Let me ask you something, christine.
Where are you getting your eggs from? The supermarket.
I thought so.
You know, with the exception of men, you're all talk, no action.
All right, you want to do this? Let's do it.
- Good.
- Yeah.
Hand me the lighter.
- You're going to cough.
- I'm not going to cough.
give it to me.
I'm starving.
We didn't get anything.
Are you sure, 'cause my teeth feel weird.
I knew this wasn't going to happen.
I'm going home.
Stop saying that, barb.
Come on.
I know, you're right about me, barb.
I never finish anything I start.
I mean, look at this place.
This garage is a monument to my half-assedness.
God, I am sick of it.
I I am not going to sit here next to my unbuilt birdhouses and unopened french tapes and just say, "je quit.
" All right, you stay here.
I'm going to finish this.
We're getting stoned tonight.
Hey, uh, listen, matthew.
I was wondering if you were, um holding.
Uh, holding what? You know.
Do you have any grass? What? No.
I don't think anyone's had any grass since 1972.
Are you watching starsky and hutch again? Come on, punk, don't waste my time.
Where's your stash? I-I don't have a stash.
I don't do drugs.
Why do you think I do drugs? what? Well, your hair, the robe.
Your life.
What do you mean, my life? You gave me this robe.
I like my hair.
All right, I'm sorry, I was wrong.
I just wanted to finish something I started.
When did you start smoking pot? I started wanting to this afternoon, but now it's gone the way of all my other dreams.
Traveling, learning languages, knitting, juggling, training f bor aiathlon, raising llamas, mastering breath control so that I can learn how to play a wind instrument.
Are you sure you're n higignow? No, but you know what? I will be.
Oh, here it is! My high school yearbook.
This thing is loaded with stoners.
And yet you still graduated near the bottom of your class.
Hey, I was street smart.
"Bless this ho".
It's not finished.
I wasn't sure.
be cool.
Everyone maintain.
What's going on? I knew you were up to something.
Richard, what are you doing back here? I remember where my blueprints were.
Hiya, christine.
pal.
What are you guys doing in here? Nothing.
No.
We always hang out in here.
We're trying to get stoned.
You got any weed? Barb! What? It wasind d a dare that turned into kind of a dream.
And now it's turned into just another thing I'm not going to do.
Well, if you're looking for weed, I wouldn't think you'd have to look very far.
I don't do drugs! Why does everyone like, assume? You know, if you're, if you're really looking for something, I might know a guy from my old apartment complex.
Oh, really? If you want, I can take you over there right now.
That would be so great.
All right, barb, please, don't go home.
Stay here.
I'll be back in, like, half an hour.
I promise.
All right, if you're not back in a half hour, I'm taking the salmon jerky machine.
I'm tired of paying so much for salmon jerky.
Okay, it's a deal.
All right, let's go.
Man.
Here we go.
Uh, I'd better go in by myself.
So, how much do you want? I guess one medium, and barb and I'll split it.
Do you have any idea what you're doing? Not a lot.
Then, do you mind my asking, why are you doing it? I just want to prove to myself that I can finish something.
You know, I have all these things that I start, and then I find some excuse and I never finish and I quit.
Kind of like us.
Oh, you do that, too? No, no, no, I mean, you did that with me.
We never finished our date.
And I thought we were really having fun, you know, right up until I had to go to the emergency room.
Yeah, I, I did have fun.
Yeah, well, you said we would reschedule but you, uh, you never, you know, called me back.
Yeah, well, you know, it was a weird time for me.
I there was this guy that I was interested in.
And then he became interested in me and How's that going? He lost interest.
- And then you turned to drugs? - Yeah.
But you know what? I'm really sorry if I didn't call you back.
And if I said I would go out with you again, then I should have done that.
I'm really going to try to stop doing that.
Well, maybe today is your chance to finally complete something.
Yeah.
It might be.
Really? Yeah.
I'll wait in the car.
Go get the stuff.
- Go.
Go get the stuff.
- Okay.
All right.
All right.
This reminds me of high school.
Sitting around in someone's garage, trying to make conversation with a stoner on a dirty futon.
I am not a stoner.
My ears stick out, I have to grow my hair long.
Man, look at all this crap.
Okay.
Who's brave enough to look in the pet carrier? A lot of grateful guys signed her yearbook.
Looks like she's the one thing the debate team could agree on.
You're talking about the mother of my child.
She did it right.
Sleeping with everything that moved before she settled down.
Mother of my child! Oh, come on, barb.
You must have got around.
Why would you think that? I-I don't know.
The way you look, and act, and drink.
And your hair seems slutty.
I'll tell you something.
I'm not exactly proud of this, but pete is the only man that I've gone all the way with.
Nah-uh.
I know for a fact you were with mikey pines.
I was with him, he wasn't with me.
I'm scared to know what that means.
Come on.
I can't believe this.
What's so hard to believe? Matthew doesn't do drugs, you're not easy, christine has llama food in her garage.
What the hell is going on? I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Too personal.
Yeah.
All right, I'm going to get out of here.
If tom comes back, tell him I went home to feed my llama.
you can go, too, if you want.
Oh, that's okay.
I don't mind waiting with you.
Hey, let's go through christine's unfinished memoir, I'm no hero: The christine campbell story.
Wh what's it say? That's all she's got.
How could she say she's not a hero? All right, I'm back.
Good news, I managed to snag my old welcome mat.
Bad news, no marijuana.
What? What happened? Oh, I guess I just completely forgot about the welcome mat.
Which is odd, I must have walked over it a thousand times when I was moving my stuff out.
Dude, where's my drugs? Oh, well, you know, it turns out he's not so much a dealer as a lawyer.
Yeah, no, I guess I just assumed he was a dealer.
I mean, he was always playing loud music, and he had a kucinich bumper sticker.
I mean are you kidding me, man? You drove me all the way here for nothing? Sorry.
I guess I just wanted to spend time with you.
This night's a bust.
I've completed exactly nothing, and for some reason I still have the munchies.
Well, then why don't we go get dinner? I'm kind of busy.
You devoted an entire night to finding pot to smoke in your garage.
Well, I know, but, you know, I just feel sort of, like, going home right now.
Christine, you say you want to finish something.
All right, we're sitting here in a car with nothing to do, and I'm asking you to let me take you to dinner.
And that's all it is, just one dinner.
It won't take very long.
You don't have to call me tomorrow.
You don't even have to learn my name.
I'm giving you a chance to finish something.
Finish me, christine.
Finish me.
How long are you waiting for christine? I don't know, probably all night.
I got nothing else to do.
I gave christine a hard time, but the truth is, I haven't done anything, either.
At least she has the debate team.
What have I got? Oh, you got stuff.
I mean, you got that great hair, and, well, in about seven minutes you're going to be the proud owner of a fish dryer.
You know, pete and i split up six months ago, and I haven't even gone out on a date yet.
Why haven't you? Because I'm scared.
I've only been with one man.
I don't know what it's going to be like.
Well, uh, pete was six-five with a size-14 shoe, so you might want to start by lowering your expectations.
I don't know anything.
You know, being with only one man, I have no context.
You know what I'm saying? I need context.
I'm sure you won't have a problem finding context.
Smaller context than you're used to, maybe, but context.
Yeah maybe.
Mmm, god I love eating in a car.
It's like camping.
Well you're really good at it.
I mean, your balance is remarkable.
And using the soda lid as a ketchup reservoir, that's just, that's ingenious.
I developed this system when ritchie was born because he wouldn't sleep unless he was in a moving car.
That's the only way I could eat.
I got so good at it I could drive, eat a three-course meal and nurse all at the same time.
I don't know why that's sexy, but it is.
Yeah, and to this day, if somebody says, "can I take your order?" I lactate a little.
Slightly less sexy, but still I'm glad you talked me into this.
Really because, honestly, I wouldn't have done it otherwise.
Just because I wasn't attracted to you right off the bat, you know, physically, or otherwise.
I just wouldn't have pursued it.
Now you're just trying to flatter me.
No, you know what I mean.
No, no, I had fun tonight.
You know, even without the drugs.
I'm starting to think that drugs aren't the answer.
Well, no, not the whole answer.
I'm glad we got to finish outer .
- Well, me, too.
- Yeah.
And it's important to follow through.
I mean if you don't, sometimes you might miss out on something great.
I mean, not that I'm saying I'm great.
I mean, I'm not great.
There are things that I do great.
I mean, do you like card magic? Adults rarely do; please stop me.
You're cute.
Thank you, christine.
No, thank you bud.
You still don't know my name.
- Yes, of course I know.
I know younana.
- No.
No, you don'T.
All right, then what is it? Okay, I'll tell you what.
Let's both say it on the count of three.
- Okay.
Okay?Okay.
- Fine.
One, two, three.
- Tom.
- Tom, right.
Ah, you're a good kisser s-sugar.
It's tom.
I don't know why it won't stick.
Brab chicken.
To Be Continued