The Other Two (2019) s03e08 Episode Script

1
"What a loser.
I hate ChaseDreams. He sucks.
Loser. Loser.
"ChaseDreams sucks. Asshole.
Loser. Sucks."
And that's just one comment.
I'm so sorry.
This is all my fault.
I mean, it's not all my fault.
It's just, everyone still
thinks I'm this bad man,
- and I'm not.
- Yeah.
You know, and it's giving me anxiety.
Hold on.
You have anxiety?
Yeah, and it's making me depressed.
What wait.
You have anxiety and depression?
I mean, I guess so.
Oh, my God.
I have a client
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Struggling with mental health.
Chase, you beautiful boy.
Do you know what this means?
There's money in singing,
but if we can make you
the face of mental health, my gosh
Shuli, no.
This is disgusting.
Why? He has anxiety. He said it himself.
I thought you'd be on board with this.
He could do a lot of good.
Oh.
Yeah?
I mean, he does have anxiety,
so it's not a lie.
And having him talk about mental health
could empower others.
So I could do what I wanted all along:
Good.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I could finally do good
Girl, don't just do the thing I did.
Okay, sorry. How does this help me?
I just want to stop looking
bad and go back to being me.
First things first,
we'll set you up with a therapist
Okay.
App.
A therapist app.
Hi.
I'm pop singer ChaseDreams.
I used to be bad and
want to punch my mom,
but then I went to therapy,
and now, I'm all better,
because therapy works,
which is why I've
partnered with BetterHealth
to give away $1 million
in free therapy to you.
Because we all struggle
sometimes, including me,
the new face of mental
health, ChaseDreams.
I-I-I'm a winner ♪
And then we're gonna go
shopping on Main Street,
and walk through that
little park with the ducks.
Do you remember that park, Cary?
- Uh
- And then we're gonna go back
to Lisa's and order dinner
from El Poncho Taqueria.
Ooh, I can't wait.
I think you might be
the first person ever
to be excited to go to Ohio.
Well, I am.
Things have been so crazy here.
I just want a simple weekend back home.
Reconnect with the old me.
Are you sure you don't wanna come?
It is your high school reunion tonight.
Yeah, no,
I am absolutely not going to that.
I just I don't know.
I thought I was gonna be
more successful by now.
Like, if I'm gonna go,
I need to make sure I fully win.
Sorry. Aren't you so successful?
What about "Night Nurse"
and "Emily Overruled"
and the Disney movie?
And now "WindWeaver"?
I mean that show's a hit, Cary.
It's number one on
Netflix, after that show
where the puppies run the errands.
What else are you looking for?
Yeah, I know it's a hit.
But I still don't know if
they're gonna do more seasons,
so it's not like I have job security,
and even if they do, my
character doesn't talk.
And it's just a dumb wizard show.
- It's not, like, important or
- [MOTOR REVVING]
Oh, sorry, Cary. My copter's here.
And I gotta get to my plane ASAP,
because all the stores on
Main Street close at 3:15.
Oh, this is my agent.
She wants me to give her a call.
Okay, well, have fun.
Tell no one I said hi.
Cary
[LINE TRILLING]
- Cary!
- Hey, Mackenzie.
Guess what. Or wait, can you hear me
over the sound of the ocean?
I'm back in the Hamptons.
Again?
Yes. Yeah, I can hear you.
Great, because I have incredible news.
Netflix just picked up
"WindWeaver" for three more seasons.
Wait. What?
Yeah. I mean, it makes sense.
It's the biggest show Netflix has
that doesn't involve
puppies running errands.
Oh, and get this.
They wanna make you a series regular.
What? [LAUGHS]
A series regular?
Wait. Is this real?
Like, how? Why?
Well, you know how "WindWeaver"
is based on those books?
Apparently, the fifth book
is being published Friday,
and in that book, it's
revealed that your character,
the little serf elf with no lines,
is actually the one who weaves the wind.
What?
Holy fucking shit.
My my character
is the WindWeaver?
It's my I'm the WindWeaver?
It's insane. Right?
Apparently, the books
end up being all about
how the least of us hold the most power,
so your lowly, gay elf ends
up being the WindWeaver.
Oh, did I mention your
character's gay, too?
- So it's also important?
- Yeah, and this will all be on "Deadline"
- in, like, an hour.
- This is, comically, everything I ever wanted.
I guess I guess I
should go to my reunion.
Shit. Okay, it starts in six hours.
It's an eight-hour drive.
I'm gonna have to race.
Mackenzie, find me a
rental car upstate, stat.
- That is not my job
- Okay.
Hi, everyone. Hello. Hi.
I just wanna say thank
you so much for doing this.
As you all know, Chase,
and by extension, me,
are all about doing good now,
and more specifically,
all about mental health,
which is why I am so proud
to be producing this telethon for "P!",
which aims to raise $250 million
for mental health awareness.
- Clap for me.
- [APPLAUSE]
Anyway, note that we're
going live in a few,
but I need this to go
well, so if you have a prob,
just let me or one of my co-EPs know.
- Hi.
- But remember,
this was my idea, not theirs.
- Yep.
- Hmm.
Also, this is Effie, our COVID officer,
here to make sure that you are all
physically safe while working.
And this is Jules, our
mental health officer,
who is here to make sure
that you are all emotionally safe.
Okay, I think I have
all my bases covered.
So let's go raise some insane money.
Oh, please, don't say insane.
Oh, sorry.
Thank you, Jules.
Welcome to "ChaseDreams
"and BetterHealth present
A Night of Undeniable Good,"
an eight-hour event raising money
for mental health awareness,
featuring performances from singers
who get anxious sometimes,
like Lady Gaga, Ben Platt,
and the cast of "Hamilton," still.
Plus a teen mental health town hall
led by Dr. Gregory Neal,
and a powerful speech
from Parkland survivor
insert name of Parkland
survivor we can get.
- Whoops.
- Now here's your host,
ChaseDreams.
Hello. Good evening.
Thank you for joining me.
As you know, mental health is something
I've cared deeply about for five weeks.
Hi. Um, sorry.
You know the therapist
doing the town hall?
- Mm-hmm.
- Apparently,
he's been sexually harassing the crew.
Wait. What?
Aw, Lisa, it's so nice to be back.
Everything is just as I remembered.
And don't you just love these jackets?
Jenny's Jeans really
does have the best stuff.
I know. I love all the buttons
and the studs, and only $9.
I mean, you really don't need to spend
more than $9 on a jacket.
- There's no reason.
- Nope.
Aw, and this pond is
just as I remember, too.
And I bet these are even the same ducks.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Do you want to feed them?
We could get bread at Benny's Bread.
It's right on Main Street,
next to Jenny's Jeans.
Aw, I'd love to. You
know, it's really too bad
that Cary decided not to come.
Okay, if I keep going 90,
I should be able to make it
for at least the last hour.
Aw. Aw. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Thank you.
Thank you. That's so nice.
Yeah, I was already planning on coming,
and then the news came out.
And the news came out.
So Oh, my God. Thank you.
Aw, that's so nice. Thank you so much.
Yes. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
[URINE STREAMING]
Out you go.
I was already planning on coming.
Stop. the news came out.
Planning on coming anyway.
So nice. Thank you so much.
My God!
Whoa. I did?
I don't even remember that.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
- What the heck?
- Hi, um
You've been throwing piss on
me for, like, the last hour.
Oh, wait.
Are you the WindWeaver?
Oh, yeah.
I am, yeah. Thank you.
And let me guess: now you're racing home
to win your reunion.
How'd you know that?
'Cause I just found out I'm gonna be
Kamala Harris's new chief of staff,
so I'm racing home to win mine.
- Oh.
- And here.
I recommend a diaper
so you can make it in time,
but still show respect
for other gays on the road
racing home to their reunions.
Oh, is it more than just the two of
oh, yeah, there's one in front of me.
Uh, okay, so obviously,
I can't have a sexual predator
on my "Night of Undeniable Good."
- No, of course not.
- But I also can't lose my mental health therapist
'cause he's here to do the good.
- Yeah.
- Right.
Was he grabbing girl or guy butts?
'Cause if it's guys, I mean
No, I don't know what you mean.
You know, I think Melanie and
Streeter and I have got this.
But thanks for letting us know, girl.
- Love you.
- Thank you so much.
Yeah, love you. Love you.
Okay. How about we just ask
these women not to say anything?
You know, just stay silen
Well, not stay silent.
That's not what I'm saying.
It's just, you know, maybe these
women were flirting with him.
- Maybe they were asking for eh
- [SIGHS]
Not asking for oh, my God.
Everything people say
that gets them in trouble,
I'm actually saying. It's crazy.
Your brain really does go there.
Please, don't say crazy.
Jesus. Yes.
- Thank you, Jules.
- Wait.
I know a Bravo therapist
who might be able to fill in.
But a heads-up: most of his advice
to the teens in crisis will be
to just let Bethenny be Bethenny.
Fine. Whatever.
If he's a therapist, then call him.
Because the good move
is to fire the predator,
so that is what I am doing.
Now I am off to watch
more of my goodness.
Thank you, John Krasinski, for
that beautiful poem while flexing.
When we come back, a message
from a Parkland survivor.
And before that, three performances
from John Legend that will make you say,
"Huh, I think he just
doesn't like to be home."
Okay.
Hi, um, more bad news.
Apparently, the Parkland
survivor has COVID.
Oh, my God.
Okay. Okay.
Okay.
[DRIVEN MARCH MUSIC PLAYING]
BOTH: The gays are
racing home tonight ♪
Hurrah, hurrah ♪
Our reunions we will crush tonight ♪
Hurrah, hurrah ♪
No one will be more
successful than we ♪
Or understand Kamala better than he ♪
BOTH: Because we are gay
and coming to win the night ♪
Oh, look, a third gay.
At Netflix I run comedy ♪
Hurrah, hurrah ♪
And at Google, I'm the new VP ♪
Hurrah, hurrah ♪
BOTH: And now I am
sitting in my own pee ♪
So all of my past can compliment me ♪
ALL: 'Cause we four gays
are coming to win the night ♪
- [LAUGHS]
- No, but really.
Think of what they'll
say when they see me ♪
- See me ♪
- All my classmates ♪
With their sad little lives ♪
- Sad little lives ♪
- Think of what they'll say ♪
How they'll swoon and scream ♪
When the WindWeaver arrives ♪
- Holy shit, Cary Dubek?
- Oh, my God.
Everyone, stop what you're doing.
Cary Dubek's here.
This is literally like if
Brad Pitt came to his reunion.
ALL: Us gays have
not been back in years ♪
Like 10, or 12 ♪
'Cause high school for
us was full of tears ♪
So sad, oh, well ♪
But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪
And look at our résumés ♪
Holy shit, wow ♪
The gays are coming ♪
The gays are coming ♪
ALL: The gays are coming ♪
Home to win the night ♪
It makes it look, like, super clean
or something like that. Oh, my God.
This is gorgeous, Lisa.
Yep. Finally, have my dream kitchen.
Oh, I'm so jealous.
I wish my kitchen was bee themed.
And I saved money on a designer
by buying this little
stencil kit at Kathy's Crafts
on the other side of Jenny's Jeans,
and just stenciling the bees on myself.
I love that you have bees flying
around on every single cupboard.
I actually did bees flying
around the whole house.
I mean, why not? I had the stencil.
I'm gonna take a picture.
- This is so cozy.
- Thanks.
And aw.
I used to have that sign.
Don't you love it?
Meg got me that for Mother's Day.
She and Mark know to
only ever get me something
with a bee on it now, or else.
And how are Meg and Mark?
The same. That reminds me. How's Brooke?
- What's she up to now?
- Oh
Are you sure he can't stay
for seven more minutes?
You know, he's on right after the break.
Sorry. Protocol.
Yes, totally.
Safety is so key.
Fuck.
I can't lose my therapist
and my Parkland teen.
Do you know how humiliating it will be
to have an eight-hour
mental health telethon
without one Parkland kid in it?
Ooh, I know.
What if we chloroform her?
Oh, my God, Streeter, no.
We can't chloroform the COVID lady
on my "Night of Undeniable Good."
Fine.
[WHISPERING] This way. This way.
- What?
- Hmm?
- Where are we going?
- I have an idea.
I saw a broom closet upstairs.
What if we just
lock her in it for ten?
Are you out of your mind?
That feels just as bad
as chloroforming her.
No, it's no big deal.
We just lead her in
and let the door shut behind her.
And then we say, "Oh, no.
We thought this was him.
Our bad. We'll go get help."
And then we just let her
out right after he speaks.
No harm, no foul.
Sorry. Excuse me.
His dressing room's up here?
I think so.
Almost there.
You cannot lock a full woman
in a broom closet on our night of good.
We'd still be doing net good.
It's one woman in a closet
for half of "Seinfeld"
so millions of teens can hear
this Parkland kid's message.
I mean, his speech is beautiful.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.
Breakdown to the stage.
Okay, fine. But just ten minutes.
Okay, hands in. We're
doing good on three.
One, two, three.
ALL: We are doing good.
Okay.
♪
Let's do this.
♪
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[SIGHS]
I feel so stupid.
No one here is gonna
Holy shit.
Cary Dubek.
Oh, my God.
Everyone, stop what you're doing.
Cary Dubek is here.
Whoa!
This is like if Brad
Pitt came to his reunion.
Wait. This is literally the song.
Oh, my God. I can't believe you came.
- Cary Dubes, dude.
- Yeah.
Wait a minute. What's going on?
It kind of smells like piss over here.
Oh, that's for sure me.
I'm literally covered in piss 24/7.
It's the joy of having a one-year-old.
Oh. [LAUGHTER]
Wow. Cary Dubek, hi.
Sorry. Can I get a pic?
My wife and I love "WindWeaver,"
and now you're the full star?
Thank you.
That's so nice.
But, um, uh, ah, are, ew.
Sorry. What's that, Cary?
Uh, ow are you?
Oh. I think he's asking how we are.
Yeah. Sorry.
Oh, no. We see each other 24/7.
I'm sick of hearing about these people.
- Yeah.
- Seriously.
So wait.
You just want me to talk about myself
all night?
ALL: Yes! [LAUGHTER]
I mean, if you insist.
[SONG CONCLUDING]
Thank you, John Legend.
Another B-plus.
And now, a quick announcement
for all you at home.
Starting now, if you
tweet about the show
using the hashtag
#ANightOfUndeniableGood,
you will get one month of therapy
courtesy of BetterHealth.
So tell all your mentally ill friends
to tune in and tweet,
and let's make this
the most-watched telethon ever.
Okay, we'll be right
back after the break
with insert name of whatever
Parkland teen we get.
Okay. Set's right this way.
Follow us.
I'm trying. You're
just going really fast.
Well, we're just eager to get
you out there to tell your story.
- Hello?
- Hey.
Is COVID lady still in there?
Mm-hmm. Help's on the way. Sorry.
We really thought this
was his dressing room.
- Okay.
- I feel so weird about this, Brooke.
- Like, that Parkland kid does have COVID.
- No.
Do not get cold feet now.
Plus, who can he hurt
in the next minute?
Hi. Sia?
I'm such a huge fan.
"Rolling In The Deep" is
one of my favorite songs.
Fuck. He's giving Sia COVID.
Hey. Hey, bud?
Let's just keep it moving, okay?
I'm sure Sia is very busy.
Can I maybe give you a hug?
- No, no.
- No.
You know what? It's fine.
Everyone has to be vaccinated,
so even if she does
get it, it'll be a cold.
- She's young.
- Right.
And is this your grandma?
I have to give you a hug, too.
Oh, my God.
We killed Sia's grandma.
We killed Sia's grandma.
Streeter, quit being psycho.
Oh, please don't say psycho.
God, can someone please
put a bell on them?
Shit. He's on in 10 seconds.
Uh uh
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Grandma, stay away from the boy.
Step back, Grandma.
- What? What?
- Up we go.
No, no. Don't worry.
We're all doing good.
We're doing good here.
- This is good.
- Okay.
Good coming through.
- What he's doing is good.
- It's all good!
And now, a moving message
from Parkland survivor Cameron Kasky.
Thank you, Chase.
As many of you may know [COUGHS]
- [SIGHS]
- Hi.
We have a problem with Ben Platt.
What the fuck?
- [LAUGHTER]
- God.
You are just so famous now.
And it makes sense. I
remember in high school,
you won "Most likely to
win an Academy Award."
I did?
I don't even remember that.
God, I don't know what I won.
Well, I got "most likely
to succeed," which is sad,
'cause now I'm a dentist,
which is nothing compared to Cary.
Oh, being a dentist isn't nothing.
Yes, it is. It's truly nothing.
[LAUGHTER]
Seriously, I tell everyone
I was in "Grease" with you.
Oh, that's sweet.
- Are you still acting?
- Oh, no.
I do marketing for a local theater now,
which is nice, 'cause
the hours are flexible,
but it's still creative.
God, this must sound
so small time to you.
No. Please, you are not small time.
Yes, she is. She is small, I am big.
And, hey. I'm so happy you're out now.
I had no idea you were
closeted in school.
It must have been so hard.
No, no. And now, I'm winning.
So let's go back to how I'm winning.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Wow.
Hey, Owen?
So cool you're here.
Great to see you.
Yeah. I wasn't gonna come,
but I just got some insane news.
- What?
- I'm gonna be
an understudy on Broadway.
Wow. That's so cool.
You should talk to Cary Dubek
since you guys are, like,
in the same industry.
Hey, yo, Dubes.
Wait. You came? Fuck!
I can't be the second
most successful gay
at this reunion. That's fucking nothing.
No. Gosh.
[LAUGHS] We're having a great time.
Jesus.
This is the best night of my life.
I may need to sing again.
Shit. But we already announced
their company's
$100-million donation on air.
But that was before the
company CEO found out
there was a gay person on the show.
And he's crazy conservative, and he says
that if we let Ben Platt perform,
he'll take their money back.
- I'm so sorry.
- Well, thank you.
- Where are you going?
- Fuck.
Doing good is impossible.
No wonder I didn't do it for 35 years.
Okay, so what do we do?
Let me just try and go talk to him.
Right.
I mean, listen, I hate gays too.
Penises in butts?
How and why, sir?
They're the ones who are mentally ill.
Am I right?
It's just that Ben's
already here, you know,
so let's just let
him do his little song.
Sorry. But I won't budge on this.
I mean, can you believe it?
He will take his money
back if you perform.
- Jesus. That is so shitty.
- I know.
So obviously, you
Are going out there, more determined
than ever to not be silenced.
Yas, queen.
Fucking gay people. Fuck.
Okay, I know. What if we chloroform him?
No. Let's just game this out.
- All right.
- We can't tell Ben to leave,
- 'cause that would look bad.
- Yeah.
Plus, mental health does affect
the LGBTQ community,
so it is good to have
a gay person on this.
Representation is worth so much.
But is it worth $100 million?
- I don't know.
- Like, if it was 5 or 10
- Brooke, hey.
- Hi.
I had an idea. What if we do a thing
where, every time someone
buys my last album,
they get a month of free therapy?
What? Absolutely not. That's gross.
But we just said if people
tweet about this show,
they get a month of therapy.
What's the difference?
Well, Bud, you'd be doing it to
help album sales, which is bad.
But I'm doing it to
help promote this show
that helps the whole
world, which is good.
So
No, yeah.
Yeah, right.
Sorry for asking.
Okay.
I know what we're gonna do.
We're gonna accidentally lock Ben Platt
in the broom closet, too.
Okay.
Yeah, I mean, I've had
an agent for a while,
but now I have a lawyer and a manager.
That is so crazy.
I have none of that.
It's happening ♪
Look how they fawn ♪
Hurrah, hurrah ♪
- Wow.
- Yeah, we shoot in Croatia,
but luckily, they have to fly me first.
Lucky.
We did a friend trip
to Hawaii last year,
- and we were in the very last row of coach.
- Aw.
It's happening ♪
I am their God ♪
Hurrah, hurrah ♪
Hey, would you mind
FaceTiming my brother-in-law?
He's a huge fan.
My brother-in-law's also a fan.
Girls, girls, there is plenty of me
- for every brother-in-law.
- [LAUGHTER]
Their lives were empty before I came ♪
'Cause they're just
people, but I have fame ♪
- ALL: Aw.
- Already?
But I guess I do need
to relieve the sitter.
And what time is soccer tomorrow?
- Drinks on Thursday, right?
- Love you.
They'll never forget this epic night ♪
It was so great seeing you.
I hope when I leave,
they will be all right ♪
I think we can all safely say,
you won this reunion, bro.
Tonight was just how I hoped it'd be ♪
Add this to the list
of successes for me ♪
The gay has come home ♪
The gay has come home ♪
The gay has come home ♪
And won the night ♪
Ha!
[ENGINE TURNS OVER]
Let's see.
That's why we call
it wine o'clock Zumba.
- Food's here from Pat's fave.
- Yum-yum!
I have been dreaming
about El Pancho Taqueria.
That's 'cause nobody does
Mexican like Tony and Mike.
Anyway, you have to come
back next summer, too,
so you can pontoon.
Oh, 100%. I will be on that pontoon.
We thought it was gonna
be a hassle having one.
You know, taking it out in the winter.
But you just pay one fee,
and the marina does it all.
- Love that.
- But if you do go, Pat,
do not let Robin pull you on that tube.
She nearly broke my
neck she went so fast.
You just had one too many Kim Crawfords.
Uh, it was the weekend.
There's no such thing
as one too many Kim Cs.
I'm on her side.
And speaking of, I just wanna say,
thank you so much for having me back.
This has truly been the perfect day.
Melanie, let the COVID lady out.
We need the closet for Ben Platt.
Wait. What?
Okay.
Hi, ma'am. I am so
sorry about the mix-up.
We wait. Where did she go?
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
I think she escaped through the vents.
What? There's a lady in the vents
on my "Night of Undeniable Good"?
It absolutely appears so.
Ugh!
So if we can't throw Ben in a closet,
how else are we gonna distract him
so he misses his performance?
Well, I know you're gonna be mad, but
Streeter, no chloroform.
Now think.
How else can we distract a gay man?
Oh, my God.
Brooke, I'm a daddy.
[HUMMING]
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
- Hey, twink.
- Excuse me?
What do you say we blow off
this fundraiser and I go
step on your bones, or break your neck?
Or is it legs?
I'm going to I'm going to
I will break any bone in your body
that you want me to break.
Well, Ben Platt filed a
sexual harassment complaint
against you, so I guess I
have to fire you now, too?
Okay, but this is great.
This means he isn't gay,
or he would have loved that.
- Oh, just go.
- Brooke!
Sorry, but Ben's on in 15 minutes.
Fuck.
I can't lose $100 million.
I know.
Maybe Streeter was right?
Maybe we do chloroform him?
I actually saw some in the broom closet.
Refinance today, and your new loan
could save you hundreds of dollars.
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ever seen in your Goddamn
[SIGHS] Where is the turnoff?
What the fuck? Did I
just miss the turnoff?
And why does it smell
like full piss in here?
- Okay, but like
- Uh-huh.
It's good that we're
chloroforming Ben Pratt,
because this money can
help a lot of people.
And he said he was
tired when he got here,
so he'll just think he
slept through his song.
Plus, I already have the "Hamilton"
cast ready to go on instead.
They're gonna sing "The
Room Where It Happens,"
but in this version,
the room is a therapist's office.
Ew.
Maybe it's worth $100
million to not hear that.
Also, like, what if we kill Ben Platt?
Oh, my God. We're not
gonna kill Ben Platt.
Just focus.
We are doing this for good.
But if you ever say
anything about the good
that we did here, I will end you.
Okay, fine.
Let's do this.
BOTH: Hi.
Hey. What's up?
Do you think that
Just stay there, because
We just wanna
[CREAKING]
[YELPS]
- Oh, my
- Oh, my God!
Jesus Christ. Are you okay?
- Oh.
- Hey, girl,
aw, we just sent the maintenance man up.
Who the fuck is this?
Oh, are you Ben Platt?
Yes.
Well, you have COVID and
need to leave immediately.
- I what?
- Wait, what?
- Yeah.
- Yes!
I mean, no.
He does?
Oh, so he can't perform?
He can't perform, and it's his fault.
Fuck. This sucks.
I feel like I'm letting the
whole gay community down.
You are.
You are letting them down.
Melanie, girl, we fucking did it.
Fuck! [LAUGHS]
Okay.
Hi, can I use your bathroom, please?
- It's out of order.
- That's okay.
I just need the bathroom room.
Why do you need the bathroom room?
'Cause I'm wearing a fucking diaper,
and I need to take it off.
Yep. I've been sitting in my own piss
for the last six hours, so may I please
just use your bathroom room
so I can take off my diaper, kind sir?
Sounds like you had
a pretty rough night.
It's actually one of the
best nights of my entire life.
Ugh.
God.
[PHONE VIBRATES]
What? Is there no service in here?
Fuck.
Come on.
Fuck.
What the fucking fuck?
Well, this night sucked my ass.
Yeah. That was 100% cuckoo bananas.
Oh, yeah, please don't
say "cuckoo bananas."
Just kidding. Have a great night.
- Okay.
- [TIRES SQUEALING]
Oh! Watch where you're
going, you fucking psycho.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, but hey,
this might cheer you up.
Chase's album is number one on iTunes.
Wait. What?
- What do you mean?
- Yeah.
He tweeted he'd give
a free month of therapy
to anyone who bought his last album,
and this whole country is sick,
so it went straight to number one.
Kind of smart. Well
Wait. No.
I specifically told him not to do that,
and he just did anyway? Fuck.
The whole reason we
pivoted him to mental health
was so that people wouldn't
think he was bad anymore.
But then he does this shit thing?
Ugh!
Why is it so hard to do good?
Okay, if you do think that,
I wouldn't look behind you right now.
[DISCORDANT MUSIC]
♪
What in the actual fuck?
Hi.
Can I use your bathroom, please?
Another one?
Right. Totally forgot.
It's reunion season.
There's actually another
diaper guy in there now, but
we should probably check on him.
How are you doing?
My own piss in my eyes.
Oh, God.
I can
I can take it from here.
I don't know. I don't I'm lost.
I'm, like, fucking lost.
Yeah, no. I'm lost too.
No. I think I'm, like, lost lost.
Like, I just had this great night,
and immediately, I don't know,
left and just felt unhappy
or, like, not happy,
and I don't know why.
Like, I am the star of the
number-one show on Netflix
without puppies shopping.
So why do I feel like
I'm about to fucking cry?
I feel lost lost, too,
which is insane, 'cause I
have Kamala's phone number.
Like, if I called her now, she'd answer.
It's just like I have
everything I ever wanted.
So what am I missing?
Like what else am I looking for?
[PHONE RINGS]
Oh, one of my classmates
is videoing me on Instagram.
- [PHONE RINGING]
- So weird.
One of my classmates
is videoing me, too.
- Hello?
- Hello.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
He picked up. Shut up.
Hi. It's Alicia.
Sorry.
I don't mean to be a full stalker
Yes, we do.
We were just talking
about how you won "most likely
to win an Academy Award."
So we got out Jesse's yearbook,
and guess what I won.
- Wait for it.
- "Most likely to win
an Academy Award for Best Actress."
[LAUGHTER]
So you should feel
really good about yourself
because I'm a literal dog walker now.
- [LAUGHS] Thank you.
- Wait.
Cary, what are you doing now?
Want to come hang?
I mean, I'm sure, no,
'cause you're fully famous
and we're just, like,
watching "Survivor."
Oh, I thought only gay people
- watched "Survivor" now.
- What?
I think everyone does.
Anyway, it's just a cazh friend hang,
- if you want to come.
- Yes, come!
- Come on, Dubes.
- Max, Max, Max.
You gotta come. It's a friend hang.
Okay, no, let's let him go.
But come if you want.
I'll DM you the address.
Okay. Great. Great.
I appreciate it.
God, it's so obvious
what I've been missing.
It's so clear what I need.
Hey, would you want to
get a drink as frien
wait, what?
Mackenzie,
I need to win the Academy Award
for Best Actor in a Motion Picture.
[ENGINE REVVING]
Good night, Pat.
Good night, Lisa.
[LINE TRILLING]
Wazzup?
I'm not here. Leave a message
- after the beep.
- [VOICE MAIL BEEPS]
Hey, I tried calling you,
but you didn't pick up.
And I just wanted to let
you know about my day.
My friend picked me up from the airport,
and we went shopping
and then got ice cream and
fed the ducks in the park,
then went back to her
house and ordered dinner
with some other friends.
And the whole time, the whole day,
I just kept thinking,
"I am so fucking bored."
[MELANCHOLY MUSIC]
I just I was so excited
to come back, but I
I hated every minute of it.
Everything we did, I
thought, "How much longer
do I have to do this for?"
All afternoon, if you want.
We walked through town,
and I found it small.
We bought clothes I used to wear,
and I felt foolish in them.
- Pat's fave.
- And everything we ate was so awful.
I was embarrassed to be putting
food like that in my mouth.
And the houses were so ugly.
These people should be in jail
for what their houses look like.
I wish my kitchen was bee-themed.
I just I kept thinking,
"Thank God I don't think
this shit looks good still."
I wanna take a picture.
Eventually, the day was so long,
I started to get physically
mad it was still happening
because the conversations
were so mind-numbing.
And the marina does it all.
And the jokes weren't funny.
One too many Kim Cs.
I just I was with my friends,
but I wasn't.
I was outside them
because they were the same,
and I was different.
I am different.
And I just
I don't think I can come here again
not ever again.
Anyway, this is a lot of texts,
and I know we're not together anymore,
but I just wanted to say hi
and that I miss you and your dick.
God, I miss your big, fat dick.
Oh, my God. Those were all tweets again.
Delete, delete, delete.
[DRAMATIC MARCH MUSIC]
BOTH: The gays are
racing home tonight ♪
Hurrah, hurrah ♪
Our reunions we will crush tonight ♪
Hurrah, hurrah ♪
No one will be more
successful than we ♪
Or understand Kamala better than he ♪
BOTH: 'Cause we are gay
and coming to win the night ♪
Oh, look, a third gay.
At Netflix I run comedy ♪
Hurrah, hurrah ♪
And at Google, I'm the new VP ♪
Hurrah, hurrah ♪
BOTH: And now I am
sitting my own pee ♪
So all of my past can compliment me ♪
ALL: 'Cause we four gays
are coming to win the night ♪
No, but really.
Think of what they'll
say when they see me ♪
See me ♪
All my classmates with
their said little lives ♪
Think of what they'll say,
how they'll swoon and scream ♪
When the WindWeaver arrives ♪
ALL: Us gays have
not been back in years ♪
Like 10, or 12 ♪
'Cause high school, for
us, was full of tears ♪
So sad, oh, well ♪
But that was the past,
and this is the now ♪
And look at our résumés ♪
Holy shit, wow ♪
The gays are coming ♪
ALL: The gays are coming ♪
Home to win the night ♪