The Ranch (2016) s03e08 Episode Script

Wilkerson? Are you following me? You still in love with me like back in high school? I was never interested in you.
There are a lot of reasons guys get erections in the shower.
Yeah.
Just fucking with you.
I'll see you, bud.
Yeah, hang on, Bennett.
What's that in the truck? What's in the truck? It's an eight track player.
[WILKERSON.]
Yeah.
Looks like the generator stolen from Neumann's Hill.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know what? I'll be honest with you.
I was driving home, speed limit, no beers.
And I see something, and I think to myself, "That looks like that missing Neumann's Hill generator.
" So I'm like, "I'll load that up and take it to my good friend, Wilkerson.
Maybe he'll get a promotion.
Maybe he'll be mayor someday.
He's got my vote.
" Where were you last Wednesday? Come on, man.
I'm serious.
Where were you? Why not ask your mom? Turn around.
Put your hands on the car.
Is this 'cause I nicknamed you Milkerson? You ain't got boobs no more.
Maybe I helped you lose weight.
You have the right to remain silent.
Okay, I tell you what.
You let me go and I'll take you on one of them roller-coasters you ain't tall enough to ride.
[GRUNTS.]
Come on, man.
Whoa.
Hey, bud, easy.
What? You having a shower flashback? [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
You know that most newlyweds spend their wedding money on a honeymoon, not bail.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Swing by Dave and Buster's.
We'll do the honeymoon now.
We agreed to be honest with each other, and you get arrested for stealing a generator? I didn't steal it.
Could you care to expound on that? It means tell me what you did.
So far, you've made a joke, denied responsibility.
Just add "Rooster did it" and it's your perfect excuse.
- Rooster did do it.
- Oh, my God! The fire was coming.
We needed a generator.
He took one from Neumann's Hill.
I got caught ditching it.
I was trying to keep him out of trouble.
Oh, keep him out of trouble.
He is newly married, with a baby on the way.
No, wait.
That's you.
I was trying to protect Rooster.
First my mom and then Rooster.
Do you see a pattern here? Where you're keeping secrets from your wife? [EXHALES.]
Yeah.
Do you see how it angers me? Yeah.
Then fucking stop! God.
You were charged with a felony.
Wilkerson said you could go to jail - for a couple of years! - I ain't going to jail.
This is my first strike.
In Colorado.
This year.
Under this name.
Ah.
Great.
Why was I worried? I feel so much better now.
What do you want for breakfast? Arby's? Okay [SIGHS.]
I'll talk to Rooster.
And I'll fix it.
[EXHALES.]
I know you're joking, but Arby's does serve breakfast now.
You better fix it, 'cause you're gonna be a dad.
[EXHALES.]
And you don't think I know Arby's serves breakfast now? Come on.
I'm five months pregnant.
I spent 20 minutes looking for a nail gun.
Why the hell was it in a box with the Skilsaw? Because when the zombies come, those are weapons number one and two.
It may be pointless to you, but I wanna know where all my shit is when a bunch of Neumann's Hill people come crawling all over this place.
Hey, I didn't want them here.
That's on you.
Not all ideas are great.
It was your mom's idea to have fuckin' kids.
Yeah.
It was your mistake not quitting after you had me.
Be sure to keep an eye on her workers.
Help 'em fix the fence we pulled.
You'll need the posthole digger, if you can remember where you left that.
It's by the sawhorses.
This is all just fucking chaos.
- What's up, Ab? - Hey, Abby.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Had to go with Abby to an appointment.
Oh, yeah? Did you guys get an ultrasound? Does the baby have his daddy's beard? I'm gonna go fix the fence I cut.
Put this back in the right place.
Yeah, right next to the Skilsaw.
In case the zombies come.
[IMITATES SHOOTING.]
I hate you both.
He's in a bad mood 'cause he accidentally bought some turkey bacon.
That led to a whole rant about how, if the liberals can get to bacon, they can get to anything.
Know where I really was all morning? Let me guess.
Sephora having an anniversary sale? That's in January, you dick.
I got arrested for trying to ditch that generator.
What? Why were you ditching it? We needed to get rid of it.
No, we didn't.
Even if we did, you did it all wrong, man.
You do it piece by piece, like a dead body.
You put an arm in a dumpster, a leg in a field and then mail the thumb to the wife.
I got arrested for stealing a generator that you stole.
No, you got arrested for trying to ditch a generator you shouldn't have touched.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay, so this is my fault? Uh, yeah.
Do you want me to take the fall for something I didn't do? That's what I'm doing! Look, dude, if we'd left that generator here and someone saw it, it'd be on me.
But you took matters into your own hands, so it's on you.
Maybe now you'll learn you never do the right thing.
Yeah.
- [FIRES NAIL GUN.]
- Hey, that's not funny.
If I go to jail, it'll be for a good reason.
- [FIRES NAIL GUN.]
- Hey! Come on, man.
Hey! - [FIRING NAIL GUN.]
- Dance, boy! Dance! Beau.
Hey.
I didn't think you'd be home till tomorrow.
You're just in time to watch Blue Bloods.
What's the matter? It's gone.
What? The fire.
My house.
Everything in it.
It's all gone.
Jesus.
I got off the highway and everything was burnt, but I was sure my house would still be there.
I'm so sorry.
I got to my street, and and there is nothing left.
It's like a war zone.
What can I do? I don't know.
[SIGHS.]
I don't know.
[CHUCKLES.]
All I have left is what I took to my daughter's.
You'll get through this.
Mmm.
I mean, you You survived a nasty divorce, your daughter's drug addiction, having a grumpy son of a bitch for a boyfriend.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't know where to start.
Don't worry about it.
You don't have to fix it right now.
And you won't have to go through it alone.
I'm here for you whatever you need.
Thank you, Beau.
That means a lot.
- Right now, I need a fuckin' drink.
- [BOTH CHUCKLE.]
Hey.
Hey.
I've been looking for you.
What're you doing here? Cleaning up.
Hey, I found a new way into the basement.
Don't step over there.
Or there.
Or there.
So, did you talk to Rooster? Yeah.
He said it's my fault.
That's it? He's cool with you taking the blame? Yep.
You better talk to the police.
Tell 'em what happened.
That ain't how it works.
I got caught with the generator in the truck that was used to steal it.
The picture on Wilkerson's dashcam is me grabbing it, being like At least tell 'em your side of the story and get it on the record.
I ain't ratting out Rooster.
If someone's gonna get in trouble, it should be the person who stole the generator.
Hey, we got each other's backs, okay? Do you know how many punches he took for me? Do you know how many DUIs I've gotten for him? In third grade, this kid Chris Franklin was gonna kick my ass after school.
Rooster showed up with a water gun spray-painted black and scared the shit out of him.
This isn't threatening a kid with a gun, okay? This is serious.
I'll take care of it.
I can't do this.
The generator, the fire, moving back to Denver.
Not to mention my hormones are going crazy.
The baby has sharp elbows.
I am losing my shit! - All right, come on.
Sit down.
- [SIGHS.]
- You can't be stressed out.
- Well If you're stressed, the baby's stressed.
You two are the most important things in my life.
- We'll find a way to fix this.
- How? - I'm not sure, but - Get sure, fast! Do you think you're the only one with problems? Our house burned down.
I got arrested.
Your dad hates me.
My mom's gone.
The Broncos don't have a fucking quarterback.
I'm losing my shit, Ab! [GROANS.]
[INHALES.]
That was stone.
We gotta go to urgent care.
- What's up, Hank? - Rooster.
- Hey, Mary.
- Hey, Rooster.
How you doing? Shitty.
Aw.
What's wrong? Your beard's Instagram lose followers? Nope.
It's still the same seven dudes.
I'm with you till the end, brother.
What's going on? Fucking Colt, man.
I jacked a generator from Neumann's Hill.
Colt wet his pants and got arrested trying to ditch it.
What? You don't return something after you stole it.
I didn't mail back my first wedding dress to Nordstrom Rack.
- Goddamn, you're cool.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I know.
Hey, babe, how's it going? Not bad.
I just finished work, trying to unwind.
Funny.
[CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
You want a drink, sweetie? On the house.
Anything you want.
From the well.
My mom would yell at me if we give you something nicer.
But it's gotta beat that toilet hooch you drank in prison, right? I'll take a beer.
I forgot this was your ma's place.
Yeah, I've drunk here since I was eight.
Rooster had a DUI before he knew his ABCs.
Well, great.
It's nice to sit and drink together.
Like the wedding.
Remember we talked to each other there, Rooster? Yeah, that was real fun.
It sure was.
I should be leavin'.
[GROANS.]
Some of the guys from my biker gang are down at the firing range, so You know, like, as their leader, I should probably be there.
[LISA.]
Great.
9:00 a.
m.
works.
Hey, Colt.
Hey.
This is wow.
This is nice.
This is like that guy, Teddy Roosevelt from Night at the Museum's office.
This is Uh Thanks for meeting me.
Of course, have a seat.
I got suckered into buying fancy chairs, and nobody ever sits in them.
And now I know why.
They suck.
What can I do for you? Yeah Uh [CHUCKLES.]
When we agreed to take your herd, you said you'd return the favor.
- Mmm-hmm.
- So I'm here to collect on that.
Ah, I'm sorry, is that a Civil War rifle? Well, yes, it is.
- Can I hold it? - Is that the favor? No.
Then, no.
What is this favor you want? Right.
Well, I'm not proud of this but before the fire, our generator crapped out.
So I took one from one of your ranches.
I got caught by the cops when I tried to get rid of it.
You stole one of our generators? I did.
I'm sorry.
We were desperate.
We needed it for our sprinklers.
We thought our house would burn down.
You know that they have generators at Walmart.
Yeah.
[CHUCKLES.]
Good luck trying to get one past one of them greeters.
Look I know it was stupid.
I I just We don't have a lot of cash lying around.
We ain't like Our microwave is cracked.
[STAMMERING.]
Basically, you press start and run to the living room.
Look, Colt, I didn't grow up with a lot of money, and I've known tough times, - but it's no excuse - No, I know Ma'am, it's not an excuse.
I screwed up.
I'm really sorry.
I was just I was hoping maybe you'd consider dropping the charges.
That's a pretty big ask.
I know.
I should've never put you in this position.
I'm sorry.
Where's the generator now? The cops took it.
You can call that Officer Wilkerson.
He's the one that looks like a future Walmart greeter.
Sorry.
Wait.
I said I owed you a favor, so we'll drop the charges.
- Really? - [CLICKS TONGUE.]
Well I get my generator back and everyone makes mistakes.
Even me.
I hired your brother.
[SOFTLY.]
Thank you so much.
I You have no idea what this means to me.
I'm I'll send an edible arrangement to your office.
The tropical ones.
That way, you'll wake up in Colorado, but be havin' breakfast in Jamaica.
All right.
You're taking our cows.
How about we call it even? Deal.
Thank you.
- All right.
- So much.
Three weeks? Well, your company policy can kiss my ass.
[CHUCKLES.]
That's why I keep a landline.
So I can hang up on people.
It's a lot more satisfying than slapping shut my flip phone.
It didn't go well with the insurance company? No, it went great.
Yeah, they're gonna send out an assessor out in three weeks to determine whether or not my burnt-out, vacant lot is still livable.
Well, cut 'em some slack.
They gotta come all the way from Bombay.
They want me to itemize what I lost.
How How do I put a dollar value on family photos, or my mom's tea set or that ashtray my granddaughter made for me.
That thing was so goddamn cute I almost started smoking again.
The important thing is you and your family are safe.
Had I said yesterday you could trade all your possessions for your family's safety, - would you have done it? - Well, of course.
Who wouldn't? Well And on top of that, the hotel I picked isn't on the insurance company's list.
I don't know how those people sleep at night.
I can tell you it's not in the La Quinta Inn.
I never thought I'd have to start all over again at my age.
- Why not stay here for a while? - What? We got room for you.
Well, that's a very sweet offer, Beau, but I don't wanna be a burden on you and you got a lot of people around here.
Yeah, but I don't like any of them.
This will be more than a weekend together.
Rebuilding could take months.
I think it's best if I stay with my daughter in Arizona.
I don't want you to be gone that long.
I'd miss you.
I'd miss you too.
So come here until you get back on your feet.
Or till you get sick of me.
Where do I stay tomorrow night? - What are you doing? - [ROOSTER.]
Hey.
Oh.
Uh, it's for the squirrels.
I like when they get drunk and run into each other.
[CHUCKLES.]
I get it.
I did the same thing with my kids and cough medicine.
[GRUNTS.]
What's up with you? What brings you by? Well, shit.
I can't even sit alone in the woods without hot chicks trying to make out with me.
[CHUCKLES.]
What about Prison Nick? Yeah, well After you left he bar, he was an asshole.
I don't want to go back home with him, so here I am.
Yeah, okay, but a few days ago, you said you two were trying to make it work.
Which I don't understand, because he kinda looks like a methed-out Keith Urban.
[CHUCKLES.]
If you want me to leave, I'm sure I'll find another guy in the woods, getting animals drunk.
No, no, we can hang out.
But can you just Like, why exactly was he in prison? Which time? Yeah, okay.
- You breakin' up or - You really wanna talk about Nick? I didn't come here for therapy.
I came here to fuck.
That is the single greatest sentence I've heard in my entire life.
[COLT.]
Hey.
Good, you got my text.
Yeah, but I thought we'd meet at the house, 'cause I got five million things to do before I go to Denver, and I was hoping to leave in the next hour.
Why would you start a fire? What will happen? - So, what's up? - Come here.
All right.
I went and I talked to Ms.
Neumann.
- Well - Yeah? Okay.
She'll drop the charges.
- What? Are you serious? - Yeah.
Wait.
How'd you convince her? I won't even be mad if you say you slept with her.
Well I analyzed the situation.
I sat down with her.
I made an intelligent argument.
She was convinced.
I thought we agreed, no more lyin'.
I'm serious.
We're helping her out.
So she helped me out.
I said I'd take care of it, and, for once, I actually did.
Colt, this is huge.
I didn't wanna leave with this hanging over us.
I got another surprise for you.
Well, could your surprise be quitting while you're ahead? Okay, remember how I didn't wanna know if the baby's a boy or girl, but you did? Yeah, it was the same day you asked the ultrasound technician if you could get a close-up of the baby's throwing arm.
- [ABBY CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, well I called the doctor, I asked him to write the gender and put it in a sealed envelope, and then I took it to Party City.
Oh, my God.
It's full of confetti.
So, if it's blue, it's a boy.
And if it's pink, it's a girl.
If it's another color, that stupid teenager taking selfies behind the counter didn't listen at all.
This is so sweet.
I mean, are you sure you wanna know? You freaked out when you learned Darth Vader was Luke's father.
I wanna know.
And I wanna do it together.
Right here, in our new house standing in our living room or kitchen.
Whatever the fuck room it is.
[ABBY LAUGHS.]
Okay, let's do it.
Here we go.
Ahh! One - two - Wait! Jesus Christ, Ab, I'm holding a knife! I'm sorry.
I don't know.
I think I wanna wait.
Really? Yeah, right? I mean We've come this far.
I don't know.
I feel like we'll find out when we're supposed to.
Are you sure? [GROANS.]
Yeah, yeah, I'm sure.
Yes.
- Sure.
- Okay.
[CHUCKLES.]
- [ABBY CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
- All right.
- All right.
- Balloon be free.
I hope my dad sees you and thinks the government's controlling the weather.
I'm gonna miss you.
I'll miss you too.
[BALLOON POPS.]
[ABBY GASPS.]
- [COLT.]
Oh, my God.
- [LAUGHING.]
It's a girl! [LAUGHS.]
Oh, my God.
I guess we were supposed to find out.
I guess.
I can't wait to braid her hair and do her nails.
We can dress her up as Minnie Mouse and go to Disneyland.
I'll finally go to Disneyland! Oh, my gosh! - [CHUCKLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
I'm so excited.
Even though it's not a boy? Yeah! She's gonna be the first girl quarterback in the NFL! First girl not named Aaron Rodgers.
- [ABBY LAUGHS.]
- I love you so fucking much.
Oh, hey, Beau.
Hey, Lisa.
Here's your first month's expenses.
I wanted to deliver it in person.
I don't trust the government with my mail or my money.
I guess we're more alike than I realized.
Thank you.
How did it go today? Well, I expected to spend the day yelling at your crew.
But I just ended up yelling at my boys to stay out of their way.
That's what happens when you hire good employees instead of breeding bad ones.
Is it okay to bring the cattle tomorrow? We should get finished by mid-morning.
Sure.
But mid-morning for me is 5:00 a.
m.
So, you sleep in? - Thanks.
See you tomorrow.
- Right.
And tell Colt that that thing has been taken care of.
What thing? The generator thing.
It never happened.
Generator? What the hell did he do? Well, he didn't tell me not to mention it, although now I'm wishing that he had.
It's probably better if you talk to him about it.
I don't talk to my friends.
Why should I talk to my son? [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
- What'd he do? - Look, it's not a big deal.
He borrowed one of our generators without asking.
He stole a generator? He explained to me that you guys were in a bind.
Jesus Christ.
Don't worry.
We're gonna drop the charges.
- Don't.
- What? Don't drop the charges.
It's time he learned that his actions had consequences.
[CHUCKLES.]
Beau, it is none of my business, but I am willing to let this go.
I'm not.