The Sex Lives of College Girls (2021) s03e08 Episode Script

1
It's-it's not the game ♪
I came here to slay,
I came for ♪
- KIMBERLY: Go Whitney!
- BELA: We made shirts
with your name on them!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
From the inside ♪
I hope she sees us.
Someone should start jumping up
and down.
I would if I were wearing
a more supportive bra.
ISAIAH: I'm gonna grab a drink.
- Does anybody want anything? It's on me.
- Look, if you buying,
you gonna need an extra
set of hands for what I order.
Guys, this isn't good.
They're the N and the Y.
(GASPS) S-Scramble
- before someone takes a picture of us.
- Yeah.
KACEY: Bela, keep scrambling.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Wait, wait, wait, it's you! That's you!
♪
Come on, Whitney!
I'm a vibe ♪
- (WHISTLE BLOWS)
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
You got it!
That is why we put in the hard work.
We're going to the playoffs, ladies.
- (WHOOPING)
- One, two, three.
ALL: Foxes!
Good game. Good game!
Ugh. That was a hell of a goal, Chase.
- Thank you.
- How's the knee?
- It's good. Yeah.
- Yeah?
The cortisone really worked.
Ah, I'm glad to hear it.
We're gonna need you.
Okay.
You little liar. You told me
you weren't taking
anything for your knee.
You got a cortisone shot?
What else are you hiding?
Are you banging
another one of our coaches?
Yeah, I didn't say anything
because it's not that big of a deal.
Yes, it is. Shots don't heal shit.
They just mask the pain
while the injury gets worse.
Yeah, well, it just got us
to the playoffs, didn't it?
- I guess.
- Listen, I'm gonna do my best to get us
to the championship, okay?
That's all that matters.
Whatever. It's your body.
- (APPLAUSE)
- Oh, yes!
- (LAUGHTER)
- Let's go!
Yes, we won, but the game isn't over.
The fight against single-use
paper products continues,
and in that match, we're all players.
Thank you. I will sort that.
Well, big news.
Whitney isn't the only
one who scored last night.
WHITNEY: Oh, my God.
You and Arvind finally had sex?
How was it?
It was okay.
- Just okay?
- BELA: It was a little more
tender than I'm used to.
At one point,
he made extended eye contact
and gently whispered,
"You're my missing puzzle piece."
- Aw.
- BELA: No.
I don't want "aw" kind of sex.
I want his hands slapping my ass
while throwing me around my twin XL
like it's the Octagon.
And spinning me in the air
like pizza dough.
- Okay.
- BELA: Anyway,
- hopefully he'll learn.
- KACEY: Well, I have a little
relationship update of my own.
I think I'm ready to take
the next step with Cooper.
(GASPS) That is so exciting.
Should we throw a goodbye party
for your virginity?
I'm a Party City Rewards member,
so I get free
- helium refills on balloons.
- Okay, what? No.
I stayed a virgin with Calvin
for 800 dates,
I'm not giving it up
to Cooper after five hangs.
The next step is giving
Cooper the Good Partner Test.
Sorry, what the hell
is the Good Partner Test?
It's a ritual that's been passed down
through many generations
of women in my family.
So, what you do
is put the person you're seeing
through a series of tests
that they're unaware of
so that you and your friends
can determine
if they're the right partner for you.
Testing them without them knowing it?
That's sadistic. I love it.
- (CHUCKLES)
- And it can be very illuminating.
The test is why my grandma
broke up with Harry Witherspoon.
He was handsome
but, as it turns out, deranged.
- (WHISPERS): Fondled cows.
- Oh
Wait, so what kind of tests
are we talking about?
Oh, I'd love to tell you,
but first, Bela, will you peel
this orange for me?
- I don't want to ruin my nails.
- And what, my nails
are just food for the dogs?
So that was a huge fail.
(GASPS) That was the test?
Oh! This is thrilling.
Okay, was the correct answer
to get you a knife?
- If you want half credit, maybe.
- I got you.
See, this is the correct answer.
That's not fair, she went last.
She knew the rules.
Honestly, this is so smart.
Imagine how much time
we could save knowing
a guy's a dud right away,
as opposed to finding out he
sleeps with a teddy bear ten dates in.
Yes, it did happen,
and I'm not talking about it.
Okay, listen, what if we all
cancel our plans tonight,
invite our guys over at different times
and run some tests?
Let's go. Consider my plans cancelled.
Mine, too. I don't have any,
but consider
all future invites declined.
♪
All right, I got to get
stuff done tonight,
- but you guys have fun.
- Oh, you're not gonna do it with us?
I can't. I have a team lift later.
KIMBERLY: You just
made it into the playoffs.
They don't give you a single night off?
I wish, but no. During playoffs,
- we practice harder.
- KACEY: If you need to lift,
I have one-pounders. They give
perfect tone with no bulk.
Come on, Whit, just skip practice.
Your feet need a rest day.
They're already too muscular.
Plus, don't you want to see
how well Isaiah does?
I know I do.
Well, it's not just soccer.
I also have an Af-Am report due
and a bunch of lab work.
BELA: Come on, Whit.
You've been so busy this year,
we never get to see you.
KIMBERLY: It's true. We haven't taken
a single drunk selfie this week.
And it really won't be
as much fun without you.
- Please?
- Okay, fine, let's do it.
- Yes!
- Okay, it's settled.
Tonight we test.
OTHERS: Ooh
(LAUGHTER)
♪
KACEY: Okay, Bela,
anything you're particularly
concerned about in Arvind?
BELA: Um, I know that he's
kind, but I want to make sure
he's not afraid to be honest
with me when I'm wrong
because, believe it or not,
- I don't always make the best choices.
- You?
The person who used binoculars
on the eclipse? Never.
BELA: Oh, and I'd love to
see if he has brute strength.
I want to feel like the guy
I'm with is physically strong
and that he can lift a car off my body.
Why would there be a car on your body?
See? He wouldn't
ask questions like that.
He'd just lift it.
"Lift a car."
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- BELA: Arvind.
- Hey, ladies.
Who's ready for movie night?
So, I was thinking we could
watch this documentary
about an unlikely group
of elementary students
succeeding in a way
you could never have imagined?
Spoiler alert, they win a quiz bowl.
BELA: Actually, Arvind, I don't know
if I feel like a movie.
But you know what does
sound good right now?
An orange.
Arvind, could you peel one for me?
I would literally love to.
Here you go. Bon appétit.
I arranged the sections
into the shape of a dolphin
'cause I know
that's your favorite animal.
Aw, and you removed
all the pith so thoroughly.
Oh, my God,
nothing pisses me off like pith.
Hmm.
BELA: I'm so glad you're here so I
can get your honest opinion on this.
I found it in a thrift store
and I don't know if I can pull it off.
What do you think?
Do you like it? Can I pull off
a large formal hat?
Wow, uh, well it certainly
has a lot going on.
A lot to take in.
- It looks heavy.
- Oh, it is. It's weighted down
to prevent wind lift.
- Mm-hmm.
- But tell me what you really think
because if you like it,
I'll wear it a lot.
ARVIND (CHUCKLES): Yeah.
I, um
I
do like it.
And I look forward to seeing you
wear it all the time.
(LAUGHS SOFTLY)
WHITNEY: Hmm.
Other than the hat thing, which
was a straight-up disaster,
Arvind did a pretty good job.
Yeah, and in his defense, I
didn't think the hat was so bad.
BELA: Yes, it was, but
if it meant I could eat fruit
in the shape of animals
off his toned body,
I'll wear it for him all he wants.
Thank you, Kacey. This was so helpful.
- Right?
- All right, who's next?
Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
KACEY: So, for me,
the best partner is someone who's smart,
charming, well-mannered.
Someone I could bring home to my nana.
I get that. I don't think
I could date someone
who couldn't kick back, relax,
and enjoy a cold V8 with my grandma.
Most importantly, though,
I just need to know that Cooper
is loyal and trustworthy.
I'd venture to guess
that Cooper's the loyal type.
After Calvin, I learned that any
guy could be a lying, cheating,
- dirty scrote-bag from hell.
- Oh.
And now's my chance to find out.
I know that I've been distant
for a while ♪
(GRUNTS) This rind is really thick.
Yeah, I learned this key trick
back in Scouts.
Oh, you were an Eagle Scout?
Uh, well, no, I-I quit
before my service project.
Oof.
Yeah, they kicked my friend out
for criticizing their position
on queer rights.
I left in solidarity.
Do I hear any more oofs
from the oof gallery?
I wanna tell you that. ♪
This is nice.
My roommates and I never really just
sit around and stare at each other.
Here's your iced tea,
just like my nana makes,
with extra ice. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Sorry, the glass is pretty wet
from the condensation.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Do you have any other coasters, or?
KIMBERLY: Oh, it seems
like they're all occupied. Hmm.
Is something wrong?
Because it looks really cold.
No.
It's all good. I'll just hold it.
That ended our vacation real fast.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, I need to go powder my nose.
Kacey, that's a great idea. Can we join?
Yes. I would love that.
KIMBERLY: Perfect.
I also need to powder my nose.
- WHITNEY: We'll all go.
- Uh, okay.
I'll just chill here alone.
Okay, here goes.
Send her in.
Yeah.
(OUTGOING TEXT WHOOSHES)
Oh, sorry. I thought this
was Whitney's room.
Yeah, it is.
She and all her roommates
went to the bathroom
- at the same time.
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Operation Whitney's
Wet Hot Friend has commenced.
Can I borrow a towel?
I got caught in the sprinklers
on the quad.
Uh yeah, sorry, I don't know
where they keep their towels.
LIZZY:
Well, I should probably change.
I'm sure Whitney won't mind
if I just borrow some of her clothes.
Wait. Um
I'll give you some privacy.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
I've seen all I need.
BELA: Cooper did so well.
I agree.
I can't say I would have passed.
- She was hot.
- He killed it.
You know, maybe he wasn't
perfect at everything, but
it was perfect for me.
Aw.
Can I go now?
I have a dissertation
to defend tomorrow.
- Oh. Yeah.
- Yeah.
Thank you. Thanks so much for coming.
I've got that fire ♪
Whitney, it's your turn.
Oh, I don't know.
Isaiah's probably busy.
Let's just skip him.
Skip him? No way.
- No skips allowed.
- BELA: Come on.
Isaiah's so smooth.
Don't you want to just
rattle him a little bit?
I guess. But I don't even know
what I'd want to test.
Well, there has to be something
you're curious about.
I guess I'd want to know that
he could handle the real me,
not just the perfect version
I put forward.
BELA: Got it. So we're gonna test
whatever Whitney just said and how many
shirtless push-ups Isaiah can do.
What? Pantsless?
Okay, freaks, if that's what you want.
Pantsless.
Glitter and gold. ♪
Who's hungry?
And/or thirsty?
I love oranges
and I certainly haven't had one today.
- Yeah, I'll take one.
- Mm-hmm.
Wha?
- Why are you throwing this at me?
- Peel it for me.
I don't work for you.
Peel your own damn orange.
WHITNEY: Okay.
- (SMOKE ALARM BEEPING)
- KACEY: Oh, no!
BELA: Kacey? What's happening?
I blew out all my wood wick candles,
and it set off the smoke alarm.
I'm scared.
- What do I do?
- ISAIAH: I got this.
Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
Uh-huh, uh-huh,
uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
Uh-huh ♪
(SIGHS) All right, smoke's gone.
Are you guys okay?
Yeah. Here. I can take that
and air it out for you.
Uh, it's-it's fine, it's okay.
No, no. I insist you keep it off.
I'll hang it outside the window.
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪
- Thank you.
- Uh okay.
Thanks again for saving our lives.
It was just a candle.
But you-you're welcome.
Isaiah, you know what I'm realizing?
You've never seen my room.
You want to check it out?
Okay.
The fuck?
- Someone lives here?
- Sure do.
Hey, did you want a clean shirt?
I'm sure there's one here somewhere.
I'll check the floor pile.
Uh, I-I think I'm good.
Nonsense. I'm gonna start digging.
You make yourself at home.
Oh, here's one. Nope, wait,
it's wet for some reason.
How do you live like this?
I've been thinking,
I'd love it if we could spend
more time here.
Switch it up between our places?
- That work?
- Nah. I don't think so.
Your place is a straight-up biohazard.
And I think the government
should get involved.
I need a shower. (SHUDDERS)
(HUFFS)
What just happened?
I know, right?
God, he blew it real bad.
He threw an orange at me
and overreacted
to a little bit of clutter?
No, Whitney,
I'm talking about you.
It felt like you wanted him to fail.
BELA: Yeah, Kacey's right.
You violently threw that
orange at him like
you wanted him to be defensive.
And that's not a little bit of clutter.
No one would want to be in that room.
Speaking of,
why did the mess have to enter my side?
And why did it have to include gravel?
Whitney, the test doesn't work
if you don't give him a chance.
I didn't even want to do this
in the first place.
You all pushed me to.
No, we were just having fun,
and now you're being all weird about it.
Because I kissed someone else.
- Are you kidding me?
- What?
- Seriously?
- Who did you kiss?
Just some guy in the fish lab.
You kissed someone behind Isaiah's back?
Yeah, but it's not about that.
How is it not about that? You cheated.
Whoa, you're making it
sound worse than it is.
It's not the same thing that
happened with you and Calvin.
- It's not?
- WHITNEY: No.
I
I think I kissed someone else
because I'm unhappy, you know?
Like I wouldn't have done it
if I liked Isaiah.
Interesting way to justify it.
You know what? Um, I shouldn't
have brought it up.
- Let's just forget about it.
- Mm-hmm.
KIMBERLY: Well, I guess I'm next.
The tough thing about Brian
is that I don't know as much about him
as all of you know about your people.
Like, I know that we're
academically aligned
and that I think he's cute,
but that's it?
So, really, any test would be helpful.
- Mm-hmm.
- We'll do the standard panel.
KIMBERLY: Brian.
You showed up at exactly
the time I sent you, down to the minute.
We were just enjoying some fresh fruits.
I really used to love
oranges before this.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY) Would you mind
peeling one for me?
Is this a test?
Oh, you're all looking at me
like this is a test.
A test? How could this possibly be?
You're judging me based on
whether or not
I'd peel the orange?
Or how fast I'd do it?
Either way
Done.
Is anyone else terrified?
I'm sorry, this is a test.
We're trying to get to know
the people we're seeing better.
Oh, well, lucky for you
I love tests. So
fire away.
Okay. I guess I'll just
ask you a bunch of questions
and judge you based on your answers?
I would love nothing more.
- Hometown?
- Chicago.
- What do your parents do?
- Mom dental hygienist, dad dentist.
- But that's not how they met.
- Pets? Lucky numbers?
Are you trying to get my passwords?
Clever.
- Favorite sport?
- Baseball.
- Do you play?
- Dad wishes.
- Favorite museum?
- Too many to list.
- What scares you?
- Fish with teeth.
KIMBERLY: Ready for some hypotheticals?
BRIAN: You bet your ass I am.
You're at a coffee shop, but all you get
is a wrapped cookie.
How much do you tip?
Did I use the bathroom?
- No.
- 20%, rounding up to the next dollar.
Food service workers are marginalized
and paid way less than they should be.
Tips are how people make a living wage.
KIMBERLY: Mm!
I haven't texted you back
in eight hours.
Do you call my friends or the police?
Neither. I know you're at
the library finishing homework,
and that place has
the worst reception on campus.
Damn, you're good.
Hmm.
I could do this all night.
Okay, last question.
What is the worst thing
one of your exes would say about you?
BRIAN: Um, theoretically?
Probably an exaggeration
of some small truth?
I feel like exes will vilify you
always if they want to,
no matter what's true.
Right? But
can I ask you,
what would all of your exes
say about you?
You're asking us questions now?
That I looked through his phone
like a jealous maniac.
Probably that I had
too high expectations for him.
Or that I pronounce it "Bar-the-lona."
Celebrity impressions during.
Celebrity impressions after.
Don't bring Borat into the bedroom.
(GASPS)
Oh, I don't know.
I've only had one ex, and
I don't know what he'd say about me.
(SIGHS) Kacey, I'm normally
against your archaic views
on relationships,
- gender, and dating, but this rocked.
- BELA: Oh, my God.
- It so rocked.
- I learned so much about Brian.
And isn't it cool that we have
the same favorite playlist
on Spotify? Relaxing Fireplace Sounds.
Oh, you're welcome, Kimberly.
And you're welcome, everybody.
And now it's time
for the Good Friend Test.
Who wants to clean up?
(WHITNEY AND BELA GROAN)
(KNOCKING)
Uh, actually, we're not quite done yet.
Come in.
CANAAN: Hey, everyone.
I brought that textbook
you wanted to borrow, Whit.
I didn't know you were
taking 18th Century Economics.
Now that I have the book,
the learning can begin.
- Okay.
- You want to come in?
Sure.
What's up?
Would you mind getting me an orange?
You want me to get you an orange
that's right in front of you?
Mm-hmm.
All right.
Don't go asking me to peel it for you.
Mm, actually
(LAUGHS)
Better have just got your nails done.
I did, I swear. Just don't look at them.
Mm-hmm, that's what I thought.
WHITNEY: See how hard it is?
CANAAN: Yeah, damn.
I see why you wanted me to do this.
WHITNEY: So, this is
my room this year.
Whitney, no.
Looks like a human hamster cage in here.
Listen, I've been busy.
Is that my hoodie
that I let you borrow last year?
My poor hoodie lost to the mess?
Yes, it is. I'm sorry.
(SIGHS)
I'm going in.
Stay strong. I'm coming for you.
Aah! Oh, I just stepped
on something squishy.
Whitney, get a piece of paper.
- (LAUGHING): I don't have anything.
- This is disgusting.
- I can give you this.
- (CANAAN SHOUTS)
- CANAAN: All her fault.
- WHITNEY: Sorry.
CANAAN: Let's get out of here.
Well, this has been
a very strange visit.
Can't help but feel
like I'm missing something?
But have a good night.
You, too.
KACEY: Does this mean what I think?
(GASPS) Oh, my God,
Canaan's the one you kissed.
Yeah.
- No way.
- Ah
I was nervous to tell you
because, you know,
we didn't end well once,
and our history is so messy.
- But do you like him?
- It's scary to think that I do.
That's why I wanted to test him.
- To see if it was even real.
- Well, how do you think he did?
Halfway through, I stopped caring.
I just liked being with him.
I feel bad I did this
behind Isaiah's back.
And I get it if you think less of me.
Of course not, and I'm sorry
that I called you a cheater.
I think I'm still a little bit
sensitive about all of that.
I get it. I would be, too.
Thank you for making us do the test.
I got the clarity I needed.
The Good Partner Test never fails.
And may you carry it forward
to many generations of women to come.
Oh, I will not teach
my children this test.
But it was a lot of fun.
("CAN'T HELP MYSELF" BY AHLI PLAYING)
- No, no ♪
- I can't help myself ♪
(KNOCKING)
No, I can't help myself. ♪
Wow, this is a surprise.
I need you in that bed immediately.
It's twin XL. You're gonna love it.
(BOTH MOANING)
I think you might be
the best person I've ever dated.
Same. I mean, it's just
between you and Emily,
but it's really not a competition.
And am I the best person
you've ever slept with?
Yeah, I mean, it's the same two people,
but the answer's still yes.
Wait.
You've only slept with two people?
Yeah. How many people
have you slept with?
I don't know, like, 20?
Twenty?!
Yeah.
Really?
Is something wrong?
Um
no, I just, uh, I realized
I should probably
get back to my reading.
Yeah, um
Not a lot of cliff-hangers in Proust,
but I'm excited to see how this ends.
So
Right.
I used to pray ♪
Till I realized
that I don't really have to ♪
And they sent me away ♪
If they hadn't,
I never would have met you. ♪
♪
Hey, hi, um
sorry, I know that this is weird,
but, um, my roommates and I were having
a conversation about past relationships,
and I have to ask you something.
Okay.
Um, what's up?
Why did you cheat on me?
Kacey, I don't
Oh, no, it's okay, um, I don't want
to rehash anything, really.
I just want to know why?
I never wanted to hurt you.
And I felt like shit
while it was happening.
I-I still do, it's just
I didn't want to not have sex
for all four years of college.
And I-I knew you wanted to wait,
and we agreed on it,
so that's on me, a-and
I was completely in the wrong,
but really
it wasn't about you at all.
It was about me.
I knew I was gonna break eventually.
And I think any guy would.
So
Thank you.
("HURTS BEING ALIVE"
BY DOWN TIME PLAYING)